The Life and Mind of an Only Child.
I Think I’ll write a free style letter to myself or whomever I let read it about whatever topic I choose to write about.
I’ve been here in New York City for about a month now. (that would put the date at about 8.27.1999) . I’ve only spent one weekend in here. And that weekend all I did was sleep and clean up. I went to a club on that Sunday night; paid $30 to get in, expecting to see some rappers, since after all, it was an album release party, (The Tunnel Club. Violator Vol. 1 album release party) but no one was there.
Here in New York, if I get bored, I can always go and take a ride into the city. I live in Queens and the city is about 15 min away. But anyway, I can always go and take a ride over there across the Queens Bridge and park my car and go window shopping. I did that the other day. I rode over there and walked by the spot where Puff Daddy was signing his album for the evening. To my surprise, which shouldn’t have been a surprise at all, at seven O’clock, the line was way outside, and people were across the street whilin’, street teams for Noreaga, Terror Squad, and Puff Daddy were having a shout out of whose album was going to sell the most. I’m out there like “these mutha fuckas must be crazy because they all know that Puffy’s shit is going to sell out the water and drown the sells of both Noreaga and the Terror Squad albums both put together.
After the cops started harassing the extra crowd who were all there just for something to do, I left that scene. From there I went down to Tramps because I heard on the radio about a month ago that De La and Slick Rick were supposed to be there this night. I called earlier and a lady told me that there was no show tonight but I figured I’d ride by and check the scene anyway. When I got there at 8 P.M., sure enough the doors were not open. I walked by Puffy’s restaurant which is right down the street from Tramps. I peaked in from the side walk since the average dinner was $30 dollars, and I figured the average beer would be $5 a 12oz. Bottle; I wasn’t in the mood to be spending that kind of money so I walked on by.
I continued to walk down to the corner of W. 21st St and Fifth Ave. I peaked in the window of this store called Club Monaco. It was closed at 8 P.M. so I walked around to the corner and discovered this shoe store called Juno. They had some pretty slick shoes, well designed with shape and distinction. There were for sale signs in the window for $69 $79 and $89. I was expecting the prices to be way higher than that. I saw about three pair of shoes that I want out of that store. I’ll go and check the store when it is open one day. I won’t be able to buy any shoes though.
This move has really killed my finances. I’m down to $100 credit on a $5,500 credit limit, $100 a month bill to pay. Funny though that when I calculate my bills and stuff, they are all covered by my pay which comes every week. I know I am probably missing something though. I’ll see. See that is the problem; I got to wait still another month to really see what my expenses verses my income really are.
I talked to Sausha last night on the phone and she didn’t sound too good. I really don’t think that she can handle this move thing. I don’t know if she wants to be here with me or not. I think I have made it clear that she could move with me when she wants to. One problem though is the kids and a baby sitter. I was thinking have my mom come here too and we could pay her $200 a month to watch the kidz, but she may not want to do that. Maybe she will since she ain’t really got nothing else to do. That would be good for me and Sausha to be together. I love her, and I think that one day our lives are just going to click and we will both have everything we want together. It will be a struggle in the beginning.
But my life has been a struggle all through out; never having anything that I really wanted that I thought would make me feel better. I really wanted a pair of Jordan III’s but my mom wouldn’t buy them for me because I just had gotten a new pair of Diadoras. I really wanted a new car all through out high school but we were never able to afford one. I wanted a Beretta and a Blazer the most. When Long got his Chevy Blazer it was the flyest shit anyone had ever seen. He was the man when his mom bought that car for him to drive. That is when I suppose he hooked up with Janice, Tee and Pamela and Cicely Michaels. He was like a star in town when he got that car. In the 10th grade with a car like that, yeah he was a star shinning. I hope I can give it to my kidz like that because I have to admit, that was some dope shit. Mrs. Janine knew what she was doing. Her kidz were the most during their time at Reserve. And you know they were the most since they had the hypest open house when they graduated. And I missed their party to work at Rally’s. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me to do that. I should have went. They were my first friends in the Howland Holmes. Yeah the Lindsey’s had a good life. And rightfully so since their father died of in a car accident Mrs. Janine was getting, I estimate, $500 a month per child, plus what she was bringing in from Republic Steal. So I estimate at least, cleared from taxes, $3,500.00 a month. Mr. Frank, from the little bit I know, he was cool, and had he been living, it would have been a more beautiful experience for them I think, a complete family you know. Long looks just like Mr. Frank. The money sort of made up for Mr. Frank’s absents, but still it would have been better for all if he was still here, or was dying now instead when they were just kidz.
But the only way I see myself geeing off like that to have everybody laced in the flyest gear and cars is through music. I can’t do my music in Warren Ohio so I had to move, the sooner the better. Life will get better here especially if Sausha comes, but if she doesn’t, I’ll make it better regardless.
I got to get in this regardless of who or what. I got talent, had it all my life, now is my time to try and make my talent shine. I once had dreams of being a rapper, but that shit doesn’t pay unless you go platinum. And you need one of those songs that I do not like at this time to do so, and I think that I am too old to be chasing dreams of being a hot rapper. Noreago is twenty one. I am –I’ve been writing rap songs for twelve years. If I haven’t made it to being a rapper by now, I ain’t makin it. I’ll maybe be a guest appearance artist. And who knows, maybe that will build up hype for me to have a gold selling album. But I really don’t want to do that shit, travelling the country to tour. I’m too old for that shit and like to have me a steady piece of pussy by my side. On the road, carrying your family around can get expensive unless you are Lauryn Hill. Yeah, I’ll just produce and enjoy the life of a NY Hip Hop Producer with my family at home by my side.
WHETHER YOU MOVED OUT OF TOWN OR ACROSS TOWN, WHAT WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE LIKE MOVING AWAY FROM HOME TO LIVE LIFE OR ACCOMPLISH A DREAM?
The Only Child 1988 
Caveat: I notice I use the word “Bitch” a lot. I liken it to a song by “The Geto Boys” called “Gansta of Love” (so misogynistic that it’s caricaturally funny.)
Disclaimer: I do not call women bitches in life or treat them inferior in alpha male dominant low-self-esteem fashion.
As these journals were personal (never to be read until my death or by close family only), I’d read them kin to Holden Caufield, past tense (20 years past) first person singular.
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