Jrnl Entry No. 8.27.1999

Here I am at work on a Friday. Today my boss hands me some busy work to do; take check numbers off from one paper and write them on another paper, and not for one month but two.

I can’t believe this shit that I am still doing busy work after two years of working within this bull shit profession that doesn’t excite me at all, not even the money, which has not turned out to cover everything that I thought it would. 

When will I actually learn something. I was doing the same shit at Circle K, basically nothing. I’ve been here a month and what have I learned: how to put together monthly folders’ how to enter in journal entries, and I’ve done a couple of recs. I guess the recs are what they are, basically nothing, not challenging. Well, I was having problems with this one rec but now I have it all figured out. And maybe this is what Accounting is all about , and maybe it is not challenging. I think it is half and half; half the bull shit, and half the challenging stuff. I have just been getting more of the bull shit on my job at Circle K and here at The Italian Job in the two years and two months of my working career.

Looking a couple of weeks into the future, I see that Sausha is going to break up with me again because of our little distance. I’m going to say it one more time to her that she can move and live with me, and give her the break down of how it will be and every thing. If she doesn’t accept it and wants to leave me alone, fine, I won’t never talk to her again or respond to her letters like I did this last time. I told her that I would call her last night. One of two things happened because I didn’t talk to her. 1. She left and never came home before twelve thirty, which was the last time I talked to her. 2. She turned her ringer off of her phone or just didn’t answer it. And I will not rule out number three since I am a realest and believe that anything that can happen may happen. 2. She was out with Teau or someone else, maybe fuckin’, maybe just chillin’ out. Who knows what, but I will never be a fool involved with any bitch and rule out the possibility of her fucking someone else. We are all alike, men and women, and we fuck just the same. BELIEVE THAT!

Eventually I will leave this accounting shit alone an maybe change professions if I don’t make it in the Hip Hop Production ring. I really don’t like this shit; however, if I do make it in the Hip Hop production ring and make a couple hundred grand, I’m gonna buy me some houses in Warren and rent them out. I may just move back there once I make me a nice piece of change and just chill. That is my life plan: make a couple hundred thousand, millions I hope, and then buy me some real estate and chill.

Fuck this work shit, it doesn’t pay. I see no one is gonna pay you what you would pay yourself. My last hope of enjoying work, is to work for a Hip Hop company. If that shit is just like these other companies and I don’t enjoy it, that is it for accounting.

I seen this girl at club S.O B.s. She was slim, petite, light brown skin, a little lighter brown than Sausha. She had natural hair, a little longer than mine. She had on a top that looked like a piece of a stocking that she tied around her to cover her breast. I could see her nipple shining through. Her breast were a little more than a mouth full; I imagined they would be very beautiful standing all alone with nothing on them. Since I’ve been with Sausha, I am discovering how much I like Tidies, just big enough like Sausha’s. This girl, like I said, was petite, and had a nice little cute ass just as big as Sausha’s or a little smaller. It looked nice when she was shaking her ass to the Reggae music. I was going to say something to her, but I thought about Sausha and what I want to have with her and what she wants to have with me, and I just left the place. Now two days later it seems that Sausha is on the verge of another break down with our situation. So I should have talked to her to see the out come. Now I will probably never ever see her again. It’s OK though, another one will come along if Sausha doesn’t want us to go on any longer.

I see many women that I would love to fuck, but I just ride or walk on by. I guess that comes with age or maturity. Some brothers like my frat brother Willenium would have a ball in a town like this, fucking everything. He fucks everything in Cleveland and in Akron, so I couldn’t imagine him here. He is going on thirty and still playing around. He has a baby girl by some chick who is an agriculture analyst. He said he was going to stay with her, but one of her friends saw him out at The Mirage in Cleveland with another girl, and that was the end of that. He got the girl pregnant while we was with his girlfriend of eight years, whom he was fucking around on since day one.

My last time being a ho was summer of 1991; I fucked Cridgette Ronald; Sharon from Atlanta; Jendra Stansfield; Blanch States; Rontisha whom I think was a virgin, Shayla Midori; the one girl from Braceville I forget her name. After that summer I pretty much calmed down. My freshman year in college I didn’t really get to too many people.

I started fucking with that white girl Carmel in like November, and was with her until like the middle of the summer. She kept my dick occupied for a while. She had one of the greatest pussies I’ve ever fucked. Not the greatest sex, but the greatest pussy. I say not sex because she never sucked my dick, she never rode my dick, she never let me fuck doggie style or none of that. But boy, when you lied down in that pussy, it was nice and wet, and she would start working that ass like a wild bull. She would almost throw you up off her the way she worked that ass. And get this, she was kind of on the fat side; not thick, but fat. She didn’t have a round ass or anything like that. She was fat. I don’t know what even led me to start fucking her anyway. Well yes I do. She asked for my number and gave me hers. The first night I went over her house she asked was I spending the night. I didn’t have to work at all for the ass. It was clear I was going to be fucking that night, and from that night on, all I did was fuck; no movies, no dinners, no nothing. Just over her house, over her friends’ house next door maybe, and fucking. No one even knew I was doing her.

When I was pledging my fraternity, I fucked around and got her pregnant. She was thinking of having the baby. I told her I didn’t want her to .She was still going to do it. What can a man do when a woman says she is going to have the baby? NOTHING! Her mom started buying little things and they were getting kind of excited I guess. She asked me one night after I finished tearing up the pussy did I really want to have a baby I said no; two weeks later, she went and got an abortion. From that point on she made me wear rubbers.

Funny; and I’ve noticed with two big girls that even when wearing a rubber, it still felt good and I fucked and came just the same. Well I can’t say its true for big all girls because Rebecca whom I considered thick, her pussy didn’t feel the same with a rubber on. We did use condoms when she stopped taking her pills, but we would put the condom on after we had done the fucking and the sucking and I was ready to come. With Zinky, the same as with Carmel, I fucked and came just the same with the condom on. I guess it was because with Zinky that it was just fucking and she was hot and ready and her pussy was so wet, and I would just sink into all that ass and it just felt good.

Now Zinky had a big ole round ass. She was fat, but yet had a round ass and her stomach wasn’t that big. See that is the thing with me between fat and thick. If your stomach is not that big and moochy, and you have a big round ass, I say you are thick. My friend Burton says it’s fat. My friend Jay Claude agrees with me that if it is thick it’s just more to squeeze and hold on to when you are busting a nut. Now I guess there is some fat that I will fuck if I didn’t have to work on it.

If it’s not that fat and I don’t have to work on it, I will fuck it. But fat like Sweet Tea or Debonay, that shit is not attractive to me at all, and if they whispered in my ear that we could go and fuck right now, I wouldn’t respond. I don’t know why I fucked with Carmel, maybe because I hadn’t had no pussy in a while. Because I remember the night after I crossed into the Frat, this fat white girl whispered in my ear that she would like to fuck me just once. I just laughed and never responded. I had Carmel throwing that good fat pussy on me at the time. I guess I wasn’t horny enough. So I guess to sum it all up, I would have to say that “the right fat bitch would have to catch me at the right time with an opportunity to fuck, and I would secretly do it.” And to sort of speak for all men, “we probably would all fuck just about anything if we knew no would find out and if we didn’t have to work for it.”

I would never have talked to Carmel on my own with the intentions of fucking her. But back to what originally started this fucking fat girls conversation with myself. After Carmel, I pretty much was with one girl at a time from there. There was Toya for about three month; then Rebecca, some white girl I met in my senior year in high school. She came back into my life and we started fucking steady.

Then Lauren, who met me at our Frat Caboret desparately wanted to give me the pussy. I turned it down at first. She wore glasses, had a jerry curl, which played out in 84 and she still had one. She looked too little. I had seen her a couple times before at McDonalds where she worked. She didn’t look like she had much of a body in her work uniform: tidies were small, and her ass looked funny in the pants. At the Caboret, her body didn’t look much better; so I blew her off.

It wasn’t until about a month later at an AKA party that I saw her in a cat suit; tidies were still small, but her ass was nice and cute and round, and that was all I needed to see. I gave her my number, and she called. Three weeks after many phone conversations, I was at her cousin house to spend the night. She lived in Y-town and I lived in Warren. Since I going to school in Y-Town, I told her I wasn’t going to drive to Y-town for a night, drive back to Warren, and then drive back to Y-town.

So I was over there at about ten O’clock to spend the night. I’m waiting downstairs on the couch for her to come down. She comes down in a little mini night gown. I say cool she relaxing for the night; keep in mind that this is the first night I’ve ever seen the girl since that night at the party in the cat suit. I’m calm though. But as we start talking and getting comfortable with each other I wrap my arms around her waist and discover that she doesn’t have any panties on. Popped in my head at that moment, “I told my dick, don’t worry, we’re fuckin’ tonight!” (Biz Markie) So after a little while longer I make my move to kiss her and start rubbing on the tidies and shit and what not. When I make my move for the pussy, she stops me and says, “is this what you do with someone on the first night?” So I say, “we’ve been talking for three weeks, and when I spend the night with a young lady, yes, this is what I try to do.” She said O.K., but the mood was ruined by the interruption, but still I tried to get it up. After a while, I stopped and we went to sleep.

The next time I spent the night, it was on. We were upstairs at her cousin’s house and my dick was hard and ready. I was tearing the ass up nice and she was enjoying it. When we were into it a little while, she told me she wanted me to get it from the back. Oh, I loved that because usually I have to ask to hit it doggie style, and girls usually don’t want to do that on the first fuck because they don’t want to seem nasty. But little don’t girls know that the nastier they make it, the more the guy loves it and will come back for more.

So I hit it from the back and it was lovely, her nice little big round ass plopping down on my dick. When we went back to missionary and it was time for me to bust a nut, I did the pull out routine . She had three kidz and I wasn’t trying to give her another one. She asked me why did I do that, and I said, “you got three kidz. I ain’t tryin’ to give you another one.” She says that she can’t have any more kidz; that her tubes were tied. Strange to me because I was informed by my family of Aunts that you could only have your tubes tied if you were married and had two kidz. She said that was not true. It may have been true, but states probably lifted off of that shit after too many women started having too many kidz and getting on welfare. So now I couldn’t wait till the next time to bust a nut in the pussy, which I think I did two hours later.

I think I’ll start keeping these journals also and write me a book one day on all I can remember and my views on life. I have Sausha to thank for that idea.

It’s close to 5 P.M. time to go home. When I get there, I’ll go straight to Sausha’s house. If she is not there or doesn’t answer the door, I’ll go to Burton or Flynn’s house, or maybe to one of the bull shit bars around town, or maybe over Lauren’s to start fucking with her again. Naw, our relationship went wrong a long time ago. We tried many times to get back, but were never able to. Lauren is out of my life forever. I grew to love her and actually wanted to be with her. But I fucked that up. I don’t regret it. I’ll tell you that story later.

Yeah, like I said, I love Sausha, but if she can’t deal with our situation, she has to move on with her life if that is what she really wants I’m tired of trying to convince her that I love her. My fucking around days are over. I don’t even feel horny when I’m here in New York. I’m saving my dick for her, but I could easily change that. And maybe I should start seeing people because she is seeing Teau and thinking about fucking guys she used to have a crush on over Monday’s house. And for the fact of why she says she was fucking with Thyrck “because she couldn’t let another man hurt her first, it was her turn to hurt.”

I don’t want to hurt nobody. It was never my intention to hurt anther girl when I fucked around on her, I just wanted another piece of ass. Maybe that was Sausha’s motive also, but women are not supposed to talk like that. Any way you put it, fucking around on someone is foul, there is no logic to it. It’s foul but we all do it anyway. That is why our relationship has always been fucked up from that point on because fucking around is foul.

Until she gets stable in her feelings for me why should I be the only one convinced that I am in love and not see anyone else. When she truly loves me, she won’t be thinking about no one else. Since she is thinking about others, and she will execute; I know from when I read in her journal that she was thinking about fucking Thyrck before he went back to jail, and two days later, she did. I’m not gonna sit around and wait for her to hurt me.


One thought on “Jrnl Entry No. 8.27.1999

  1. Caveat: I notice I use the word “Bitch” a lot. I liken it to a song by “The Geto Boys” called “Gansta of Love” (so misogynistic that it’s caricaturally funny.)

    Disclaimer: I do not call women bitches in life or treat them inferior in alpha male dominant low-self-esteem fashion.

    As these journals were personal (never to be read until my death or by close family only), I’d read them kin to Holden Caufield, past tense (20 years past) first person singular.


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