Jrnl Entry No. 9.3.1999

I AM REGRETFUL REGARDING THE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS DESCRIBED IN THIS JOURNAL ENTRY! I LEARNED, GREW AND PROGRESSED FROM THEM! NEVER WILL SUCH AN INCIDENT TAKE PLACE AGAIN IN MY LIFETIME!

For two years, I juggled between Lauren and Rebecca. how I did it I don’t know. But that shit has to catch up to you and one of the women has to find out. It is inevitable.

 I was basically going out with both of them. Rebecca and I would go out in Warren, and Lauren and I would go out in Youngstown. Lauren started hearing that I would be out in Warren with some white girl. I seen people from YSU from time to time who knew Lauren, but I didn’t think nothing of it. So someone saw me walking in a grocery store with a girl. We were walking around talking, no crime in that right.

I remember one day Lauren found a long white hair in my head. I told her that white people’s hair blow in the wind and one piece landed on me. Another day she found a strand in my bag where I kept my toothbrush. She didn’t really say anything and I didn’t start explaining anything. A little while after that, she found a receipt with Rebecca’s name on it in my bottle of cologne. It had Rebecca’s name and Discover card number on it. She brought it down and asked what it was. I had no answer. She told me to leave, and I did. I cared but I didn’t care because I had Rebecca supplying my sexual needs. I stayed away about two weeks indulging in lustful activity with Rebecca as always, but without interruptions of me having to go and spend a couple of nights with Lauren.

I went back to Lauren one night that I was bored. We made up after some serious begging, but it was never the same. I used to take her and pick her up from work. One day I picked her up when I wasn’t supposed to. She was walking out talking to this tall cat. Later I found out that she was seeing him. We broke up again, and I stayed away a long time just being with Rebecca.

I liked Rebecca but like I said, she was whore. I was with her because of the good sex and that was all. I didn’t love her. I liked her. I mean, how else could I have stayed with her my last two years of college. I suspect that Rebecca had many other sex partners behind my back in Youngstown and in Warren. One night, I even found a rubber in her pussy while I was fucking her. I stopped and pretended like I was hurt, but I didn’t care about that hoe. I did care about my sex life, and knew that it would never be the same without her. I couldn’t even stop seeing her even though I had Lauren whom I had grown to love and wanted to be with. The sexual experiences with Rebecca were too much for me to give up. Rebecca even told me of times she cheated. I did the same thing; acted like I cared, and that I was mad for an hour or two, then she would start sucking my dick and it was all forgotten about.

So I continued on with Rebecca. She had stopped going to school after one quarter of living in that apartment. She got a job working in Warren. She would work in Warren mid-nights, go to her moms house and go to sleep because by time she would have gotten to the apartment, I would have been leaving for my eight o’clock class. I always kept an eight o’clock class to try and prepare myself for work life in the real world. But you know what, I still stay in bed until the last minute. I’ve even gotten worse since I graduated college.

She would come home by time I got home from school. It was just me and Rebecca now. Movies, dinners, porn watching, fucking, sucking, eating. In fact during this time when I was with just her was when we experimented with the manage-a-trio. I never took her to any clubs or anything like that. I may as well have. Everybody saw us together. I didn’t care though. All of the pretty and sexy girls in Warren were with drug dealers or had legitimate boyfriends. Rebecca and Lauren were all I had.

At the time I was with Rebecca and Lauren, me and friends would go to Cleveland every weekend to Veils on the Circle. I loved that place. I took Lauren a couple of times with me when we were together. I guess I could have fucked some girls in Warren, if I hadn’t been going to Cleveland every weekend. I never went out in Warren until after my relationships with Lauren and Rebecca were over, and when Veils was getting tired. The most I’ve ever went out in Warren was when I first started talking to Sausha. We’d go to the Legion and sit there and drink and we’d go to The Most Wanted after hours spot to drink and dance.

So I thought that Rebecca was going to work, going over her mother’s house, and then coming home to put my dick in her mouth. She probably did stick to that program for awhile, but she strayed away. I don’t know what was Rebecca’s problem. Was she really a whore who just didn’t care, being young and all, or did she have a problem? I thought that maybe she had a problem because her dad used to beat her mom, which may have caused her to hate white men. She said she only jacked off one white dick. There was this one guy who used to call and hang up though, who she said was just her friend. She probably was fucking him. People used to call and hang up all the time or talk shit to me, and she’d claim she didn’t know who they were. But like I said I didn’t care. I had free room and board, free pussy and a mouth and occasionally an asshole to bust a nut in, and free clothes, movies, dinners, tapes, shoes. Rebecca supplied me with it all. I guess you can say I was her little trick bitch or pimp. While everybody else got a piece of the pussy, I got the pussy, money, and everything in between. Maybe her trauma with her mom and dad caused her to hate all men, and led her to believe they were all just for the fucking. She claimed she loved me and I believe she did, but she had a problem with fucking anyone who smiled at her and asked for her phone or pager number.  And she kept her pussy clean too; always douched, and took showers. I never smelt any kind of odor in that pussy.

Rebecca decided after a year and her lease was up that it was time for to move to Warren where her job was. It was in the summer. She moved to Jamestown Village right down the street from her job. She told me of some guy at her job who always stared at her, but never said anything to her and she said nothing to him. After about a month of living there, I did some investigative work and discovered that she had been fucking him. She was pregnant for the second time, and I had accepted the fact that she was going to have my baby. I pressured her into getting an abortion the first time. This time I was cool about it. I was about to graduate from college and this couldn’t hurt my college career. I had one quarter of school left in the fall.

One morning while at her house the phone rings. She answers and starts talking. I go to the other room and pick up the phone, and I hear some guy saying bye. I argued with her about who it was and left it alone. I think he wanted to hook up with her, but at that moment I was there. He had a girlfriend also, so she couldn’t go to his house. So I told her to give me some money so that I could go to the mall in Cleveland. I pretended that I left. But what I actually did was park my car down the street in another parking lot and crept back up to her door and she was talking to him on the phone. She told him that they could hook up I guess, and that she would be there. So I went and hid and watched her leave. When she left I left a note saying that I know she was fucking this guy and that I was getting a blood test when the baby was born.

I waited for her to come back home, and I hid in her closet. She came in, found the note, went to her room and called him. She was telling him what the note said and they started talking. I hear her saying something about “he’s gonna know its not his because he’s getting a blood test regardless.” When I heard that, I went into the room and started whipping her ass. I caught her with one good right hook to the eye and her eye just burst out with blood. She called 911 and started talking to them and I got on the phone and started talking to them. I was upset that she lied to me and got busted. If she would have told me that the baby was his and I wouldn’t have caught her in that lie, I would have just walked away and left her alone or kept fucking her.

Her family found out and everybody tried to get her to press charges against me. She didn’t though, but one day they forced her down town and had her fill out a report, and the police told her that she could call and they would put a warrant out whenever they wanted.

Rebecca and I made up after that and we started fuckin again. She was fucking both me and Thomas whom she was pregnant by. I would see come stains in her panties and on her bed and get mad from time to time and leave her alone, but we would eventually start fucking again. One day I left her house mad and she thought that I had taken her credit card. I went back later that day. She didn’t open the door, and as I was leaving, Calloway the cop comes and arrests me. She called and pressed charges because she thought I stole her credit card. Even after that we were still fucking. I just couldn’t stop fucking her. She couldn’t get pregnant again, and I was just addicted to her sex. I wanted it to be all mine sure, but when It really came down to it, I didn’t care, as long as I was busting nuts in the pussy, it balanced out her fucking Thomas at the same time.

We fucked until I went to court, and the judge sentenced me to twenty days. That day I went over her house and told her that I still wanted to be with her. I didn’t want to lose my sex. She said that she was going to be with Thomas. How would I treat her kid knowing it wasn’t mine and with the situation and all. I think what really drove her away was the fact that I beat her ass so badly and left a trade mark around her eye. It was reminiscent of her father beating her mom and she couldn’t take that, along with Thomas whispering sweet nothings in her ear. And I guess it was time to move on since I was planning after graduation from college to move to NY and live happily ever after, and leave Rebecca in the dust anyway.

I started seeing Elizabeth. We couldn’t have good sex because she lived with her mom. But I liked Elizabeth. She was like a woman I would have liked to have been my wife, but she didn’t have her shit together. I liked the fact that she had grown up with both parents in a nice home. Everybody knew about the Wilsons from her brother Robert who had all the nice cars from age 16 on: Mustang 5.0, Chevy Blazer, Benz. I lost track after the Benz. Plus I heard Elizabeth was sucking dick back when I was in ninth grade and she was in the 11^th. I didn’t even know her then. But when I ran into her, she looked good. I don’t even know what gave me the confidence to holla at her that night. It was my frat brother’s college graduation party. She had long hair, well done, which later I found out was a weave. She looked very beautiful and woman like.

As I got to know Elizabeth, she told me that she was going through a divorce. She didn’t seem too hurt by it so I didn’t think nothing of it. Later on in life after hooking up with her again, I found that she was very hurt by it. She never washed her pussy apparently because the few times we did have sex, after we were done, it stanked. I told her about it and we talked about it, but it still stanked the next time. That caused us to get bitter with each other, but she was pregnant, and said that she was getting an abortion. So we broke up and there I was sexless. I didn’t go back to Lauren or Rebecca. Lauren was with the guy from work Jamelle, and Rebecca was with Thomas. But at the same time as I was messing with Elizabeth, I met this sweet little girl at work named Sausha.

Sausha didn’t have anything I wanted. Well, she had some nice tidies that I noticed right off. She didn’t look sexually skilled. She wore baggy clothes and tennis shoes to work, and she wore glasses. I started talking to her on a friendly level and I started giving her rides home, and I started liking her on the low. One day she disappeared from work, had quit I guess. I left a note on her door saying that I had started liking her and left my number on it. She called me and we started talking. I thought she was sweet, quiet and innocent. We’d talk on the phone and I’d give her rides places and stop over her house sometimes and talk to her. It was cool. One night we went over my over my grandmother’s house and watched a movie or two. She sat there quietly and ate all of my grandmother’s candy. This was October right around sweetest day.

On Sweetest day I bought her a card, and I called her to tell her that I was bringing it over. A couple of days before that she was all dry on the phone with me and not returning my phone calls. On this day, she tells me that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Now I had already written out a nice little card for her. I said to myself, “self, you going over to her house and deliver this card because you bought it for her and you’ve already written the passage, especially for her.” So I goes over to her house and knock at the door. She sticks her head out of her bedroom window an says “—, I thought I told you that I didn’t want to talk to you any more.” I said, “Well, I already bought the card, the least you can do is take it.” She comes down and gets the card and says thank you and I start to leave. Just as I am halfway to the car, I hear a voice saying “punk you come back and I’ll kick yo ass.” I turns around and it’s her kidz father Snowman. So I turn back around and just walk to the car. I mean what was I to say, she wasn’t my girl, and I wasn’t expecting him to be there. I gets in the car, and here comes this fool running toward the car. I starts it up to leave and as I am driving away he throws a garbage can at the car in an attempt to bust the window. He missed and I kept on driving. I thought to myself that, “Sausha played me” and left it alone, and I never called her after that or went over to her house.

WAS THERE EVER A TIME YOU WERE PUSSY WHIPPED OR DICK-MA-TIZED; HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS CLEARLY MANIPULATING AND/OR ABUSING YOU? HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN A VICTIM OR PERPETRATOR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?