Jrnl Entry No. 9.4.1999

At the same time as trying to date Sausha, I ran into Rhonda. Now I’ve liked Rhonda since ninth grade, but she wouldn’t give me no holla because of my crazy girlfriend Sue Jackson. I tried kickin it to Rhonda one time Sue and I broke up, but she wasn’t having it. I ran into Rhonda in the mall, and she gave me her number because her boyfriend was in jail on drug charges. We went out and had a good time and we started talking and had some good conversations. We clicked very well. One problem though, she lived with her mom and I lived with my mom. Well, it wasn’t a problem because I could take my mom over to my aunts or grandmother’s house to spend the night, and Rhonda could spend the night with me. I guess she didn’t see it that way. She was thinking “you live with your mom, I live with my mom, and this ain’t gonna work.”

One night I had the house to myself and invited Rhonda over and she declined. I didn’t tell her that my mom was gone. She would have found that out when I got her in the house, threw her on the bed, and started licking that sweet black pussy. I was pissed that she didn’t want to come and see me. Our conversation started going down, and our little thing started fading away. I stopped calling her. I think she was just waiting for her boyfriend to get out of jail anyway. We did have our spur of the moment night though at my aunts apartment which she left me when she went back to Atlanta. I went over there earlier that day and turned on the space heater in the room since the gas had gotten shut off by then. I guess I planned the night, but I forgot what the plan was. But anyway, I saw Rhonda out that night with her friend and my best friends’ sons mother, Manika. At the end of the night I asked Rhonda to come with me and she did. Well she was driving and I rode with her and Manika. We went to my aunts house. I tried making good love to her to convince her that we could be together, but it didn’t come off because she made me wear a rubber. So I ate the pussy a few times and she came in my mouth. We got dressed and she dropped me off at home.

It was then that I had my friend Padrock hook me up with a friend of his Victoria whom I had known from word of mouth through high school and what not. Victoria was known for her big ass in high school. Padrock said that she liked to dress sexy, which was one quality I liked in a woman, and that she was looking for a real man. So he got her number from her and gave it to me. I called her and we talked. We had fair conversation. At the time, Victoria was just looking for a fuck while she carried out her plan of going to school and leaving Warren in a year or two. But we got to talking and spending time together. Everything was fine. Victoria was getting unemployment checks and we were going out on the weekends. We sort of became a couple.

Three months later Victoria was pregnant, and decided she was going to keep the baby. I figured Victoria was a nice girl also, wanted something out of life, was gonna go to school and work and make life happen until she graduated and could get a better job. As time went on and I started looking deep into Victoria. She started telling of how she would not work this place and that place. She had a job at a corporation in Columbus, but got fired and I guess her relationship with some fella had fallen through. She started telling me how she won’t live in this place and that place, about how she stayed in some nice apartments in Columbus but couldn’t afford the rent so her daddy would send her money. She started telling me that she would not move to NY because she didn’t want to be stuck in traffic driving, she didn’t want to ride a bus or subway, and she didn’t want to move away from her family with a baby.

It was then that I came to the conclusion that we would not make it and I broke up with her when she was eight months pregnant. I almost made it the full nine months, close but no cigar. Victoria expects to live in a nice neighborhood, drive a nice car, and I think have a nice job, or run her own business all at the snap of a princess finger. She didn’t realize that since she quit her job in Columbus because they didn’t give her a big enough raise, and that she didn’t finish college or the many colleges (two or three) that she attended since she had graduated high school. She didn’t realize that she had to start from the bottom and work her way to what she wanted. I guess she thought that her dad could save her from having to start at the bottom. And plus the fact that everything I said she tried to say the opposite. I think she was doing that to say to me that you are not smart, and do not know nothing just because you graduated from college. I detected a little animosity toward me at times so I rubbed it in her face that I was everything that she wanted to be and more.

She had the baby and I got back with her with a love note that many people write but never live up to. I wrote her that I would like to be with her and my child to help raise my child, and put our family together three strong, and always be there for them. She bought it and it was true. I was going to observe our relationship for a year, and if all went well; if she was the woman, the mother of my child, willing to satisfy my needs: sexually, mentally, we would have gotten married a year later. That shit didn’t last two months. Victoria didn’t want to have sex after Janelle was born. You have a whole healthy kid by me, but now you don’t want to have sex with me. I wasn’t understanding and she didn’t give me any better explanation than that she didn’t want to. I guess she was tryin’ to gain her self respect after realizing one day while looking at the calendar, that I hit that ass in like one and half weeks. Well, as told before, I love my sex and I got to have it. I wasn’t havin’ that and I broke out. Things were going well with the visitation of my daughter. I was buying my daughter pampers and clothes on the regular. But no doe hoe.

Now my daughter is going on two years old and Voctoria and I aren’t friends. We never really had shit. She got pregnant while sneaking a little fuck in while her dad was sleep in the other room, or maybe it was when I came home from jail and busted a big ole nut in her ass on her mom’s living room couch. Whatever the case, I was not too happy about her having the baby, but what can a man do when a woman decides that she is going to have the baby, NOTHING. But like I told her while she was pregnant that once the baby was born, there would be no stopping me.

I love my child the most. She knows I love my child the most, but every since the beginning, her sister, mom, dad and her have been treating me like I have no right to really see my child nor does my family, including my mom. My daughter was one before Victoria let her spend the night, and Victoria didn’t let her spend the night, I had to go to court to get proper visitation set up, which I should have did when I got the blood test ordered in child support court. But I figured we could work everything out, but we haven’t been able and never will be able to see eye to eye. Everything I want, I have to ask the judge. I’m cool with that.

So when I left Victoria alone when she was eight months pregnant I started messing with Lauren again. We were getting alone fine, having sex and going out like when we first started. I told her that I was expecting a baby soon, and she didn’t like that too well. I told her when I was trying to work it out with Victoria, and when I left Victoria the second time, I had already been seeing Lauren and telling her that Victoria and I were on the verge of breakdown. On our final break down I told Lauren that I wanted to be with her. She didn’t believe me plus she was still involved with Jamelle. She thought that I would still be fucking Victoria. Victoria and I haven’t fucked since her eighth month of pregnancy. I left Lauren alone after that again.

So there I was sexless again and I was going out in Warren to this one club in this big plaza where Hills department store used to be located. I would see Sausha there when I went. She was dressing a little sexier now. Hell, everybody was. The TLC big jeans fad was fading and the seventies look was coming back. Sausha could always be found wearing some jeans, a tight fitting shirt, and a cute little hair do. But I had lost all wanting to talk to Sausha from that sweetest day incident, though Sausha had been calling me like once a month that past year while Victoria was pregnant and we’d talk about nothing basically. I told her some of my life problems from time to time. I never asked her for her number again.

Also while going out in Warren at this time, I saw Elizabeth. She was looking kind of sexy, had gained some weight, and looked like she was out to have a good time. I danced with her that one night I saw her at the club. We went to breakfast and we started talking again. We still couldn’t have sex on a regular basis because she still lived with her mom, but we would fuck on weekends. We had about four episodes before I got frustrated with being in the presence of a woman I was attracted to and not being able to have sexual relations with her on a regular basis.

We went on a date one night to dinner and I think it was her birthday. We came back to my house that night because my mom was gone. I fucked her on the couch for about fifteen minutes, no big deal. A week later I fucked her over my aunts house while my cousin was sleep and my aunt was gone. It was O.K. that night; I ate the pussy a little bit. I was fucking her doggie style, busted a nut in her ass. We got dressed and went home. The next week we went to a hotel room, and she said she had a surprise for me. I couldn’t wait. She said she was going to freak me. The surprise was that I had to pay for the room and that she was not going to spend the night. Naw, even though it went down like that, she didn’t tell me that.

The surprise was that she had a lingerie piece on. It covered her tidies, which were big as all outside. It covered her stomach and that was it. We go in the room and she took off her stretch pants and it was on. She started jokingly dancing around and stuff, and the ass was just shaking. She took my clothes off and we went to town; licking each others ass hole. She was sucking my dick and I was eating her pussy, fucking her doggie style. And I was working that ass with all them tidies in my face. She told me that she wanted me to come in her mouth. So just as I was about to come, I put my dick in her mouth and she started sucking it while I was like in a one arm push up position over her. I kept my dick in her mouth until I let every hot weeks worth of come squirt directly in her mouth. She didn’t swallow it like Rebecca used to do. She spit it out in the toilet. After that night, the next week we didn’t do anything. I was mad that she didn’t spend the night with me that night in the hotel so that I could fuck more than just one more time after we came from an explicit movie and toy shop. I told her a little later after the next weekend that I couldn’t talk to her anymore because she turns me on sexually, but we can’t have that much sex like I want to.

Elizabeth was a winner besides the fact that she was living with her mom. Her son, she loved him too much. She got his approval before kissing me or she wouldn’t kiss me in front of him; now I thought that was showing him a little too much respect. I also didn’t like the fact that she said she had no money saved. She had been working for like seven years, making good money and living with her mom and dad. She said she just spends all her money and had no idea how to save or budget. At her age, I thought that was ridiculous.

After that brief stint with Elizabeth came Sausha full force this time; her kidz father was in jail, would be there for awhile, and she had plans on fucking me since day one, and she carried out those plans. Sausha is a nice girl who just caught up with the wrong guy who took advantage of her parents not teaching her the right things, and who to let her have a kid with. The other two kidz, I blame her for even though she was still being taken advantage of. Once you have one kid, you know the deal. After me having one, I know the deal, and do not want to have another one unless I am married, and maybe not even then. We’ll get to Sausha next session.

In brief, when I met her, she had two kidz and was pregnant with her third but didn’t know it at the time or maybe she knew and was just using me for someone to make her feel wanted. She had no plans of really getting involved with me when I met her at K-Mart Distribution Center.

WHAT WAS LIFE LIKE FOR YOU, MALE OR FEMALE, LOOKING FOR LOVE? WHAT EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE DECISIONS (I MADE MANY) DID YOU MAKE IN YOUR SEARCH?