Jrnl Entry No. 9.10.1999

Well another Friday here and another weekend that I’ll be returning home to Warren, Ohio.

I went to the Lincoln Center last night to be around the Mtv Music Awards hype. People were all out on the block hanging out to get hand outs from record companies and whoever else. If you didn’t purchase a ticket to be on the bleachers where you could see the celebrities as they exited their limos, you could not see anything. I guess some people drove by the block and showed their faces through their limo window. If you think about it, its kind of silly. What and the hell do I need to view a star for. It’s childish to me, but people really go and stand out there in hopes of viewing a celebrity.

I went out there to see if I could meet a girl and just to look at the people standing around, just to view the scene and have something to do. One thing you learn about standing out there is about people and how much they want to know. I mean they jump at anything being handed out. It’s almost like they fiend for a handout. People were handing out things that looked like a little credit card carrier, and it turned out to be just a subway map that folds into a card board cover with HBO printed on the outside. I also went out there to see if by chance I would run into or speak to someone about my production career, but I saw no one.

I did do one thing I set out to do and that was talk to someone. Her name was Marlo. She was handing out post cards advertising T-Boz’s book of poems. She was probably late 20s or early 30s. I asked her age, but she said that silly shit older women think is cute I guess “its rude to ask a woman her age.” She was talking back to me but she didn’t really seem interested in talking. I got that she had her own advertising firm; she was from L.A. She has been in NY for a year or has been running her firm for a year, one of the two. She had a nice ass bustin’ out of a mid thigh mini skirt, black in color. I let her go about her way to my regret. I was looking for her to ask if I could get to know her better, but she was gone in the wind. She was my type of woman with natural hair, not much make-up or none at all, and like I said before, a monster ass. So I let the thought of her go.

Before Marlo, before I even reached the spot, two stops in a row on the train came two women I considered beautiful. The first one was shorter than me, and she had natural hair, kind of long, which was twisted up into some style that I liked. She had beautiful natural skin, like a smooth dark caramel. She had on a loose outfit so I couldn’t see the ass or anything like that. She just caught my eye with her face really. I’m sure the rest was there underneath those clothes. Then the next stop walked in another girl I thought was beautiful. She was tall, kind of thick with just the right amount of ass and tidies. She was also wearing her natural hair in a ponytail. She had a smoother, a little lighter caramel skin than the other girl. She was wearing a pair of semi-tight jeans, not too tight, not too loose, and she had on a tight fitting tank like top. So I’m just sitting there with a little smirk on my face and I say to myself “what is this my lucky day?” I don’t think that a crowded train is a great place to be trying to spark a (can I get your number) conversation. I said to myself, “self, if they get off at my stop then I will approach the tall one.” When my stop came I didn’t see either one of them start to move so that was that.

I gets off at Lincoln Center and the first thing I am handed when I come from underground is two calendars: The Hip Hop Calendar of 1999, both men and women versions. Funny because just last week I was reading about the women’s one in a Big Lez article. I ain’t gonna even mention the other people in it because Big Lez who is on December with Christmas Lingerie on takes the whole calendar. Her body looked so smooth. She is so thick. From looking at that picture, I would like to see her in person. From reading her article I found out that she is a little shorter than I thought. But besides her body, Big Lez doesn’t really do anything for me like Elise Neal, Suzanne Douglass, Nia Long; these women in my eyes are love, Lez is just a sexual fantasy, which could turn into love with time maybe or maybe not.

When I got home from work yesterday, there was a letter from Sausha in the mail box talking about our break up because she wants to be going out with her “so called” friend Teau. She called him late on a Sunday night and they went out riding or where ever. Then when I found out about that I got mad, she calls herself mad even after I tried to say forget about it, and she goes out with him again after I called and asked her out and she told me no. So this feels final to me because I have no urge to call her. Her and this guy have been in a little relationship before having sex and what not. But she says it didn’t feel right so they stopped. Yeah, it didn’t feel right after numerous times, going to hotels and shit like that. See, when she first told me this I thought that they had sex once and decided not to do it again because they felt they were too good of friends. But she was telling me one day how they used to go to hotels. I felt a little funny then about their on going friendship while she was supposed to be my girlfriend but I let it slide and said fuck it. But now I’m out of town and she’s going out with this cat, and she has been starting to look sexier and sexier to me so I know how she looks to him. And plus she knows that he wants to have sexual relations or have her as his anyway.

She want me to accept her going out “just a friend” with a guy who is hot for her. DO I LOOK LIKE BIZ MARKIE? I don’t think so. So in my mind, even though, I will not tell her this; in my mind, it’s him or me. Just like when Victoria and her – not have sex with me – decision; it was either no sex or me. She chose no sex. I just express my unhappiness with the situation, and if you are gonna just keep on fighting for your stance, I’m out, especially when I can go and get me someone new and maybe better.

Bottom line is, my woman ain’t gonna be running around town with a guy who has no known girlfriend to my knowledge, who wants my woman to be his. Fuck that. I don’t give a fuck what she says, I ain’t doing it, not from 400 miles away I ain’t. I wanted to be with Sausha but I ain’t dealing with this shit. She can go out with Teau all she wants and won’t have to answer to no one.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHO HAD “JUST A FRIEND” MALE BUT YOU FELT THEY WERE FUCKING BEHIND YOUR BACK, ESPECIALLY IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP BECAME LONG DISTANCE?