Jrnl Entry No. 11.29.1999

It’s Monday after Thanksgiving day weekend. All last week Sausha was at my house in NY. I can tell by her attitude that she does not really feel N.Y. Maybe she would feel it much better if she didn’t have her kidz so we could go out and do more things together. Yeah, she brought Rykell and Heaven with her to my house.

You know what I’m discovering is that I don’t like kidz that are not my own, especially two year olds like Rykell. I can remember when Marielle was two years old. I hated her with a passion just like I hate Rykell. Two year olds just get on your nerves with their temper tantrums when they can’t get there way. They don’t do nothing you tell them to do without crying. I remember when I first started dating Sausha, Rykell had the loudest mouth I had ever heard from a child. That was when my hate for him developed. He was just like a big-headed cartoon character when he would cry. Heaven, she is cute but she does little shit that gets on my nerves also. When you tell her what to do she will do it, but right after she does it, she will reverse her action and do what you told her not to do. Shameek with his little punk ass, he didn’t want to come. I think he doesn’t like the fact that I am dating his mom and getting some of his attention so most of the time he wants to be over his aunts house. I like Shameek, but he is a little punk with the way he cries every time he can’t get his way. And he is scared to go anywhere in the house by himself. Any other time he is acting grown, but ask him to go and get some tissue, and he will be like “come on Heaven.” And if she doesn’t come he will start saying to his mom, “Heavin ain’t comin’.”

And I guess it all boils down to the fact that no one is going to love what is not there own. Sure I would look out for them and take good care of them if Sausha and I were to stay together, but when they wine and have tempers, I hate it the most and just feel like stomping them right in their chest. Shameek listens for the most part, Heaven listens three fourth the time, and Rykell listens but crys all the time. LL COOL J said that his step father used to abuse him, and he probably did it for the same reasons that I feel like abusing Sausha kidz sometimes. It is because in the presence of their mom, they don’t listen to me. Like when Rykell gets out of the bed at night and I direct him to go back to bed, he’ll go around me and go to his mom and she will tell him the same thing, and he’ll run in his room and start crying. Its like the kidz don’t pay you any attention. And they sometimes get their way unnecessarily. And I’m mostly talking about Rykell and Shameek. Like I think she should break Shameek from that scared shit and make him go upstairs by himself. He is grown when it comes to everthing else, let him grow out of that. But what can I say, nothing. I think she needs to let Rykell grow out of not wanting to share anything or everytime some one picks up a toy, he starts crying for it, and Sausha tells whoever to give him the toy. So he thinks all he has to do is cry and he will get his way. But what can I say, nothing. Now she treats Heaven like shit, and that’s why I always pay her the most attention and answer her stupid little questions whenever she asks them. It’s like the only way you get some control is when their mom is not around, and when you get that control, because you’ve been ignored for so long, you want to abuse that control.

But I probably won’t have to deal with this situation because Sausha told me yesterday that our relationship is not working, and I agree with her. Its not working for me because of her kidz, and because she is not sexy enough for me, and because she has no idea how she is going to make her life better. Well she has an idea but for that idea to become a reality, its going to be a long shot. And I was thinking of moving her and the kidz with me and ask my mom to come and be our baby sitter, but I don’t want all those people living with me. I don’t think I want Sausha living with me. She does little shit that I don’t like and there is nothing about her to make up for her mis-haps. She leaves food on her dishes in the sink instead of rinsing them out. She frys stuff sloppily getting grease all over the stove. Just little shit that bugs me, and on top of that, the kidz bug me too. That is too much bugging for me to be happy so be it. I don’t even want an explanation from her, I’m just going about my way. She’ll probably call me next weekend and want to talk, but I will have nothing to say. I am not getting back together with her. Its over.

I got this honeys number this weekend at the 89 Harding and Reserve Class Reunion. And it’s a good thing that Sausha did break up with me yesterday because she was sure to find out some way that I got this girls number. The girl whose name is Kaylah is cousins with Sheryl who has a baby by Thyrck who likes Sausha when he has no one else to like. Sheryl heard my name and she started asking me was I the one who used to go with Sausha. And she was telling me how Thyrck used to talk about me. So I know she will tell Thyrck who is in jail that I got her cousin’s number, and he somehow is going to call Sausha and tell her. But since we are broke up it doesn’t matter.

Now Kaylah is 21, a little younger than what I’m looking for, but I like her. I talked to her on the phone last night when I got back to N.Y. from Warren. She is going to Syracuse University in New York. She is funny and she is kind of fine from what I could see at the class reunion party. Of course she has her natural hair and a natural face like I like it you know. She tells me that Syracuse is only 3 hours away from Queen NYC so I’m going to go and check her out one Saturday. She says she will be graduating in June. She has her own car, a Honda Accord so she can come and check me out sometimes also. I’ll see where this goes.

I met this chick named Melonie about two weeks ago at Club Ivy. She had a cute little ass. I haven’t called her in two weeks because Sausha came home with me last week. But I’ll call her this week and tell her that I went on vacation and left her number here in N.Y. She lives by herself in N.J. and works as a quality assurance operator who listens to when people call the phone company. She talks kind of proper and sounds adult like. I’m gonna get that ass though.

She says she used to be wild but now she has settled down a bit. Yeah, we’ll see how soon I can get my dick in her mouth. She told me she was on birth control. That could be a trick to get pregnant and get child support money. I’ll probably bust a couple nuts in her ass. I don’t know. Which reminds me again. When I get some free days, I need to consult a doctor about getting my balls cut so as to not have anymore kidz. Fuck having kidz because that shit kills you in the end if things don’t work out.

I’ll work with these two girls for a while if I can. I’ll probably start calling Rhonda again and try to get a couple of good fucks out of her. I think Rhonda just wants a man with a good job so she can just work at Marshalls the rest of her life making a little money while her husband makes the majority of the doe. She is kind of lazy, and then she is not lazy. She can look beautiful when she wants to and that is why I always think about her because she looks beautiful, she really looks good to me like the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. But on some days she looks fat, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a fat bitch.

No more two or three kidz in my relationships from now on out; I’m done with that shit. Lauren had three kidz, Sausha had three kidz. I’ve learned that I don’t like it. Them bitches was stupid enough to have three kidz without a sure-fire way of taking care of them then that’s their fault. Before I used to think that kidz don’t matter but yes they do. With three kidz life is gonna be hard whether they are mine of not. Why should I suffer for someone else mistakes.

And speaking of three kidz, I wonder how Ronika feels now. After her and her sister used to talk all that shit about me dating Sausha with three kidz and Sausha living in the ghetto. Now Ronika is going around telling people that her kidz father won’t marry her, and she lives in Trumbull Holmes and he lives on Oak street, and she has his three daughters. Now she is just like Sausha. She has three kidz by one man who she is not married to. And chances are that she will not get married to him. See that is exactly why I don’t talk about or make fun of any ones bad situation because it could happen to me.

I probably would have stayed with Lauren because of that good pussy that I could just bust nuts in because her tubes were tied. I still haven’t ran into no pussy like that or someone with an ass as nice as hers. Yeah I did love Lauren’s body. If it wasn’t for the stretch marks and the little sagging tidys, she would have one of the banginest bodies ever.

My boss talked to me again about being late to work because I got here at 8:15 AM because of a traffic jam right where I was supposed to get off and come to work. I would have been on time if it hadn’t been for the little traffic jam. I see his plan though to verbally warn me about every thing he has the chance to. He’s trying to make me feel inferior so I won’t ask for that much money when its time for my review. That is exactly why I’m getting the hell out of here when I get some time off. I am not happy on this job. I need to find the company that I am interested in so that I can really start being productive. I need to find me an apartment for cheaper too so I can have some money in my pocket and maybe save a little. My shit is together but it needs to be a little more tighter. I’m gon’ make it happen though