Jrnl Entry No.12.27.1999

Back off of the Christmas weekend. I spent the whole weekend in N.Y. Friday I went and did some shopping at this mall in Jersey that I knew how to get to compliments of Melonie. I had a $50 gift certificate at The Gap given to me by my supervisor for Christmas. I wouldn’t have been able to drive in Manhattan and park my car during the day so I figured I’d go to Jersey to a mall and maybe shout at some honeys.

While in the Gap I saw this beautiful little honey walk in. She was short and petite. She had braids in her hair, but they were in a bun. Now you know how I talk about weave and braids, that I don’t like them, but she had that face that just struck me as unique and beautiful. I gave her a second look and decided that I’d talk to her. I got on line to buy my two shirts. After I made the purchase, I went looking for her. She was in line standing by herself. So I starts walking toward her and I’m looking at her. She gave me a glance, and I walked on by being scared you know. But then I circle back and walks up and starts talking to her; getting the usual info: name, age, etc. She was twenty six. I was like thank god because I keep running into 22 yr olds. Some how I asked the kill yourself question of did she have a boyfriend. She said yes. I talked to her about a minute more and then went about my way, biding her a nice day, and a “it was nice meeting you.”

I figure I’d walk around the mall some more and see what I could see. At this one particular time I seen this girl and she struck me because her face looked sexy; make-up well done, not too much, not too little. As I was looking at her she licked her lips and that struck a nerve. I was walking in the opposite direction. I didn’t even think, I just grabbed her. I kind of shocked her. We talked for a minute, and I got the info that she was 22 working for an advertising agency in Manhattan. She graduated from college, and that she already had someone sticking dick to her on a regular. I started walking around some more. I really didn’t see too many girls that I wanted to talk to after that so I started looking for the exit that I entered into, which I couldn’t find for like an hour.

When I left the mall, I stopped over Melonie’s house, but she wasn’t home. I then returned home. I went out to Club Speed. I saw about three or four girls in there that I wanted to talk to. There was this bad, body bangin’, sexy ass woman in there that I approached. She was West Indian I guess. She had a heavy accent. She was bullshitting me. First she told me that she was 28 then 30. She told me she was a cop in N.Y. Then she told me that she lived in Jamaica. I said “Jamaica, Queens?” She said, “no, Jamaica.” So I says you just told me you were a cop in N.Y. She burst out laughing. I asked her why she was trying to bullshit me? She got around to telling me that she was just at the club with her friend and wasn’t trying to meet anyone. She was telling me how the guys in that club had no class. They come and grab and touch on you out of the blue. I asked her how was my class rating? She said it was excellent, but she wasn’t interested in getting to know me better. After her I talked to another girl I had spotted earlier and she turned me down with the “I have a boyfriend line.” I went home.

Oh, I saw Melonie in the club and she was looking sexy. She danced with me and I asked her why had she been avoiding me? She said she wasn’t. She stopped dancing with me to go to the bathroom, and told me to wait there and she’d be back. She grabbed her friend and left. I said to myself, “if she is just goin’ to the bathroom, why did she take her girl with her?” I figured she wasn’t coming back. I waited there like 10 minutes and then walked away. I spotted her on the other side of the club. I didn’t look at her though. I could see her out the corner of my eye. I just stood there and waited to see if she was going to come up to me. She didn’t. So I was like fuck her then. I seen her a little while later by the area where she told me to wait for her. I said, “so you back from the bathroom now?” She said yes, and I just kept on walking.

As I was on my way home, I was thinking about Melonie, how I could probably get into her because I love a sexy woman. I called her when I got home and told her it was nice to see her , and I told her to call me tomorrow. She called and we had a cool little conversation as she was on her way to her mom’s house for dinner. I called her the next day and left a message on her answering machine that I wanted to see her that day. She never called back, so now I’m pretty much like fuck her again. At first it seemed like she was all on my nuts and ready to jump into this relationship. Now, it’s like she’s playing this game. And you know how I don’t tolerate games. So like I told myself, she has until New Years. If I am not fucking by New Years or close to it, she is dropped. I ain’t got time to be chasing after some pussy.

Me, Ricardo and Kenny went and hung out that Sunday. I thought these cats wanted to go to a club and chill. No, they wanted to ride around all night from club to club and catch the hoes going inside.

Excuse my language, I very much respect ladies, but when I’m writing or talking with my niggaz, I ain’t got time to sound politically correct, so fuck you and your thoughts of that is how I view women. I love women, especially those who love me back.

But any way we rode by The Tunnel and seen a couple of hot girls going inside. Around there is really no place to stop your car because the cops swarm the place. They didn’t really want to get out of the car because they were talking about how niggaz try to rob you. We rode around The Tunnel like three times and then headed for CLUB NEW YORK. Now, Club N.Y was off the hook, line outside and plenty of sexy fine asses walking up and down the street, especially after they announced that it would cost $50 – $150 to get in.

I was having like the time of my life out there. I must have hollered at about six girls, and no one really gave me any rhythm. This one girl, I gave her my number after joking with her for a while. I doubt if she will call though. We out there like for two three hours. Now Kenny and Ricardo were hollering at hoes from my car window expecting girls to stand there in the cold and talk to them. I told them no one is going to talk to you that way. So Ron and I started walking toward the line. I talked to a few girls on my way there, while I was in line, while we were walking away, when we got back to the car and honeys were walking toward the club. I was talking to every girl that I liked something about. That’s another thing I love about this city; the women, even though most won’t give you a number and let you call and get to know them, it is just beautiful to see so many of them on a regular basis when a club spot is hoppin’ off. I had big fun last night just talking with various young ladies and getting nothing back. I don’t know if it’s a good thing to be seeing so many nice shaped asses right in front of your face, when you jump at the chance to get to know them, they turn you down.

Well Caroline, the 30 year old woman at work who is dating a 23 year old young man, she got engaged to him on Christmas. She keeps herself tight and I would probably marry her also. She is a fine woman. She came into work telling her story this morning and everyone was listening. I wonder how Sheila feels with her four kidz not being married at age 32. I tell you black people are so backwards. I bet she feels like shit because I think she is with the guy who she just had her last baby by and he probably ain’t thinking about marrying her, ain’t even mentioned it. He’s just enjoying that tube tyed ass for the moment. And maybe he will marry her I don’t know. See Sheila is like Sausha. But she has four kidz. She looks beautiful on occasions. She is a very beautiful woman: natural long pretty black hair, nice big ass with a gut to go with it compliments of her kidz. She comes to work with her hair done about once a month. Her gear for the most part is cheesy and cheap because she can’t afford anything better with four kidz.

Now Caroline who has no kidz, she is like sexy everyday like I like it. I just look at Sheila sometimes and say to myself, “look at this stupid bitch with all these kidz.” I don’t feel sorry for her at all. She made the decision to be a humanitarian and have all them damn kidz, so that is her problem. If she didn’t have so many kidz or just one, maybe she’d be married by now or close to it. I don’t know what women be thinkin’ when they have kidz without a ring on there hand. It baffles me every time I think about it.

Now take Caroline for example. She is fine, and I know someone probably busted some nuts in that ass and got it pregnant, or maybe, just maybe she has been good with her birth control method or methods all these years. Whatever the case, she has kept herself beautiful and kidless, and now she will get married have kidz and probably live happily ever after. And in the end, if she gets a divorce and is left with a kid, I don’t think her husband will abandon his kidz and even if he does at least she can say she tried to make it work the right way in a union with someone.

What can a single bitch say when she has two or three kidz; nothing but “I was stupid.” And single mothers hurt themselves as well as the man who tries to stick around and at least be involved in his childs life. They hurt themselves because they are less mobile now with a child to think about, and probably less attractive to some men. They hurt the father of the child by taking a good portion of his money that he could be buying a home with or saving for retirement, or just enjoying life with. So single parenting hurts everyone involved in some way, even the child. But humanitarians will be what they are, willing to sacrifice a good portion of their life for a life that they are not well prepared to take care of. STUPID!

And speaking on this marriage subject, let us talk about Darry. Now I met Darry here at work. He was cool. He has a girlfriend he had been with for three years. She was pregnant when I met him. He had mentioned that he was going to marry her. But then all of sudden he comes to work talking about he was getting married next month. Now something don’t sound right to me. He’s acting like it was a union that was bound to happen someday anyway. But I think that nigga was forced to marry her a little early by her parents and/or his. He don’t even have a place for them to stay. Now if I’m gonna get married, I damn sure am going to have a place for me and my wife and kid to be born to stay. This nigga was giving me a speech on not talking to anyone I won’t consider marrying. This nigga trys to talk all mature like he had all the answers. His girl mentioned that to me one day how he talks like a father figure. I see what she meant the minute he started talking that shit to me and I am older than he is. I guess it’s a Aries thing to try and be more mature than you really are, and look and talk to everyone else like they are a kid. Lauren used to try that “you ain’t ready for me” shit and Victoria used to always talk and laugh about shit I like to do like it was immature. I had to tell her “yeah, I’m so immature but you trying to get your college degree, a job, an apartment or house and car. I got all this, but I’m immature.”

Yeah, I think that nigga Darry just trying not to have his child be born out of wed-lock. Maybe he did it on his own or was forced. Whatever the case, I don’t think he is really ready to be married. He is convincing himself that he is.

I made a bangin’ track on Christmas night. I have made three songs in the last three weeks. There is something about my production that I don’t like, and then there is something bout it that I do like. I seen RED ALERT last night. I was going to talk to him but he had an entourage of niggaz standing around him. I had made a new tape to hand out last night. I was talking to this white girl named Olga. She was telling me her boyfriend was an engineer in Hip Hop. I ended up giving her my tape. She said her boyfriend doesn’t even listen to tapes. I told her to listen to it and if she likes it to give it to him. It probably won’t result in anything. I was thinking that I shouldn’t have given her my tape in the first place, but oh well.

I’m here at work and no bosses will be here until like Thursday. I have a little work to do but I’ll probably write my thoughts like these all week. Sausha sent me a letter talking about how I didn’t really love her. I am searching for perfection and nothing is perfect. She says that she can’t be as beautiful as I would like her to be right now but one day she will be. And that is exactly my point. I don’t have time to wait on you because your life is fucked up compliments of your three kidz by the same daddy who is in jail. By the time you get your life together, I hope to be completely happy, not just starting to be happy with you after some years of suffering and sacrificing for your kidz. I love her but I can’t do it. I’m broke, she broke, and we can’t help each other. I need to be in unison with someone who can bring more than just sex and a companionship to the table. I’m realizing that now, and that is what I’m going for.