Now Lauren talked to me last night on some ole love shit. Now I like Lauren a lot but I don’t think I really love her. Like her mother said I just really love her ass and how unbelievable it looks when I hit it doggy style, and how it bounces when she rides my dick. I grab it and just bust a big ole nice and warm nut right in her ass with no worries of a baby resulting from it all. No worries about kidz because she has three. Now once again Lauren is a nice girl just like Sausha but with better pussy. But I am trying to make a commitment to myself that I will not take three kidz of other men or a man and make them mine in my household. Doing that shit will be expensive and none of the hoes I know with three kidz have spectacular jobs to help me get what I want out of life. Now I will try and hold steadfast to this commitment of mine but once I get that ass into view with my dick going in and out of it, I may just change my mind, but I doubt it.
Lauren does have the body and pussy that would keep me happy for a long time in life, but I don’t want to live my life like that. I could live my life with Lauren but it’s the kidz that I can’t live with. I don’t like them and the way they look and the way she dresses them. They are just not cute to me. It was just the opposite with Sausha. I liked her kidz all except Rykell whom one day I would have eventually ended up hurting really bad and probably going to jail. Because of that fact and the fact that Sausha’s pussy wasn’t all that great, led me to break that off. Sausha’s pussy was good when I was in it but it didn’t stay on my mind like Lauren’s or Rebecca’s.
So it all breaks down to be fucked up like this. Lauren has good pussy that I love, she is sexy like I like my woman to be, but her kidz are in the way of us connecting in full. Rebecca has good pussy and good dick sucking lips that make me come right in her mouth from time to time, but she is a whore who will fuck you if you just ask. Plus Rebecca has two kidz now and she is fat, and she is white, which I really don’t want to be with a white girl. Well, change that, Rebecca doesn’t have the style and grace of a white girl that I would be with.
Take Caroline here at work for example. I love the way she dresses and carries herself. I could probably get along with her. But fuck her too, and this is why I say fuck white girls and other people of other races. While I’m here talking about how sexy Caroline is and how she dresses, do you think that hoe has ever had a sexual thought about me, or ever commented to herself in her mind about my looks? I don’t think so, but I could be wrong, but I think I’m right; but back to the subject.
Sausha has three kidz, her pussy is not to die for, and she is sexy and stylish less than half the time. The two black girls have the most kidz and no good paying job skills. The white bitch has good paying job skillz as a para-legal. She is one step from becoming a lawyer. And these are the three main bitches I have been dealing with for the last six or seven years.
I am here in New York City and can’t get a date for a million bucks; well, if I had a million bucks, sure I could get a date. It’s fucked up in this city that all these people live here, but people are so full of mis-trust, that no one will take a chance and meet someone, give them their phone number and get to know them. I have spoken to about thirty girls in the last two weeks, and haven’t spoken to one of them again after they left my presence. They won’t call you, and they won’t give you their number so that you can call them. So I’m stuck without a hoe for the first time in a long time.
I’m going home this weekend to stick some dick to Lauren and maybe Sausha. I got to travel four hundred miles to get some pussy. I may as well be paying hookers to fuck me. I have been thinking about getting serious with Rhonda, but she works at some job without a glorious title and she works in retail at Marshalls; neither of these jobz can she transfer to New York. She may be making some money at her other job and probably could find the same job title here in N.Y. I don’t know. But then there is her son. Who is gonna baby sit him when we want to go out somewhere and that type of thing. And another thing about Rhonda is I don’t have a clue what her pussy is like, if she will suck a dick or not, how she works it, etc. Those things are important to me and I need to know these things before she starts coming here and shit like that. But I can’t find that out because she lives with her mamma.
As you notice, all these bitches have kidz and they are stuck back in Ohio. I don’t know about transporting no bitch and her kidz to this city. I think it will only end with them bitches going right back to Ohio because of me or because of themselves. Their kidz are in the way, which goes along with my theory of why you shouldn’t have kidz until you are settled and married and where you want to be and are going to stay.
So my love life is all fucked up. I need a new relationship; brand new with someone I know nothing about; who has no kidz or maybe just one like I have because I seriously don’t want to have another one even in marriage. I need to be searching for a way to get into this production game like I been trying to get at these hoes the last two weeks. That is where all this energy I have wasted talking to these hoes needed to go. Makes me say Hmmm!
The Only Child 1988 
Caveat: I notice I use the word “Bitch” a lot. I liken it to a song by “The Geto Boys” called “Gansta of Love” (so misogynistic that it’s caricaturally funny.)
Disclaimer: I do not call women bitches in life or treat them inferior in alpha male dominant low-self-esteem fashion.
As these journals were personal (never to be read until my death or by close family only), I’d read them kin to Holden Caufield, past tense (20 years past) first person singular.
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