Jrnl Entry No. 2.22.2000

I went over to Elaine’s house last night to pick up some grease that she makes. I got over there and sat for a while. She is ugly man. I had been figured this out when I first met her for an outing at the LaBar Bat. After that outing, we really didn’t talk anymore. She does have some nice tidies though, but she doesn’t look clean. She has this dirty look about her. I really can’t see myself reaching over and kissing her.

Well my car has gotten its second official nasty scratch, and it is on the hood. A truck must have backed into my car and its bumper got my hood. I had a little luck getting some phone numbers on Saturday night but so far they have not been anything but the same ole bullshit. The one girl who is a school teacher, we sat in the club in the booth and talked with her and her friend all night, she hasn’t been home the two times I called her. I left my name and number on her answering machine but she hasn’t called back. Another girl who does accounts payable work and has two kidz, she actually called me Sunday to my surprise. I called her Monday, and we established that I was going to visit her. When she told me to call back, she had left and I waited a little while for her to call me back but she never did so I went to Elaine’s house.

So the women here are still bullshit. Nothing is happening for me here in this city. All I see is a bunch of ass, most of it Rican and white which I know I can’t have, and when I go and meet black women, they don’t respond to me. I really got no place else to go though, but I’m about fed up with this shit. But fuck it though, things will get better somehow.  

I’m going to some shit tonight that Elaine was telling me about. I guess it’s an after work spot, free from six until. From there I’m going to go over by Justin’s for some industry networking party that Elaine was telling me about. Hopefully, I’ll meet someone to talk for real about my music at Justin’s. I probably won’t be able to get in or some shit, or it will cost too much. I’m gonna go though to see how it goes down. I hope I run into Puffy so that maybe I can get an accounting job with him, and maybe that would make my life happier for the moment.

And I don’t know why but when Thursday night comes around, I get happy. I’m free for the weekend to do what I wanna. So maybe like in that stupid movie “Office Space”, each day at work is like the worst day of my life. When the weekend approaches, I get happy because I don’t have to go to work for two days. Friday is like a day I just wait for work to end so it’s really not a bad day at work. I don’t even take a nap at lunchtime on Friday.

I heard a couple of beats that Elaine’s cousin did for someone, and the one was kind of wack. He has the same beat machine as I do. Ensoniq ASR 10. This leads me to think that maybe I have what it takes to become a producer in this town because the amateurs are really amateurs. Lark has some good shit and some bad shit coming out of his MPC 2000. Kenneth and them were telling me about a guy they met who has an ASR 10 and they said his shit didn’t sound all that. He was telling them that the ASR 10 was a limited machine. No its not, and in fact it’s probably one of the most complete beat machines that are out there. I can do everything but put different effects on the eight different tracks that are available on board. I program a sequence to do whatever I want it to: stop on a certain beat, take out an instrument, etc. Maybe he hasn’t put the extra money in his to purchase extra memory like I did. Without the extra memory, yes you are very limited. You can only use a certain number of tracks before all of the memory is used up, and you can only program a certain number of sequences. Maybe I ought to keep that as my secret to give me an edge in the game; unless someone asks because they’ve read and know about it, don’t tell em’. Sometimes you got to keep shit to yourself to have that competitive edge you know.

I think that Lauren will be my forever lover, and one day we will get married probably when her kidz are grown and we are like in our 40s. I have been thinking about that ass lately and I want some. I tried calling her last night but she didn’t pick up the phone. My dick instantly gets hard when I see that little big ass of hers switching around. She turns me on like that. But I don’t know if right now I can get over how she was treating me because she had her man Jamelle. She was dogging me to the fullest. One moment she’d be nice and let me fuck a couple of times. The next moment she’d have some attitude and we’d argue and I’d end up leaving her house. We had great times together though.

 She came to my house to see me in N.Y. about a month after Sausha and I broke up, and it didn’t feel all that good to have her there. She was trying to get me to fuck her all night and day like I used to but I just wasn’t feeling it like that. She was there from Friday night to Monday morning, and we had sex Friday night and Saturday morning; Saturday night and I think Sunday morning but I’m not sure. She was getting on my nerves. Sunday night she put on some little lingerie thing and I didn’t even make an attempt to fuck. But I’m thinking about her now though.

I am just not motivated to work. I take too long to do my task. It takes me two to three days to review the accounts of three yards, and Dawn just told me that she reviews six or seven in I don’t know how long. And maybe I’ll always be this way or maybe not. Maybe something is just missing in my life and my work life. And NO it is not god.

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