Jrnl Entry No. 3.20.2000

You know, fuck talking about these bitches. I’ve realized that most of my stories have been about these stupid and smart bitches here in N.Y., and bitches of my past. I’ve been writing my cousin and telling him about these hoes around here who will not talk to me, will not come to my apartment. My take is this. If these hoes around here can’t recognize a nigga tryin’ to live a good life and handle his responsibilities, a real man like they are always complaining about that there are none, then fuck em.

N.Y. I’ve concluded is a bunch of small towns within a big city. Everybody here is scared of the next guy if they don’t know him, and for an outsider like me who no one knows, no one is tryin’ to talk to me. I’m gonna weather the storm of this bullshit city for a while though. If nothing happens, fuck this place; a bullshit big city filled with people who have bullshit dreams, and most who have no talent that will help them accomplish their dreams.

I went to N.Y. Comedy Club on Saturday to the 12 A.M. show. They showcased about six or seven comics, and only one was truly talented and funny. His name was Dean Morrison I think. If I was looking for someone to sponsor and make hot, he would have been it that night. The rest of the comics had their moments but none of them had that glow like this kid did. I wish him the best of luck and hopes he get his big breaks because talent like his deserves big dollars and recognition.

Sunday I stayed in bed all day and watched a little bit of a couple tournament college games. I was there lonely, thinking what and the fuck am I doing here in this city. It seems like I’m wasting my life away; not making enough money, no woman, no crew to run with, no nothing. But I’m just figuring with time it will all get better. I may as well keep moving in a forward direction.

I completed two new songs within the last like two weeks. I should probably just sit down at my sampler more often because every time I sit down, I produce something that sounds good to me. I bought a bootleg copy of Irv Gotti Presents The Murderers CD on Saturday and I listened to it. The shit was pretty bogus to me. These albums that these niggaz is puttin’ out deez dayz are just wack. They tryin’ to be on some different shit but the shit just does not work for me. The tracks are not what I want to hear. I want to hear tracks like that Screwball H.O.S.T.Y.L.E track, and that 50 Cent  track “Murder, I Don’t Believe You” Those were two of the slaminest tracks I’ve heard this year come out of New York. And that shit is really disappointin’ me man. This shit that is getting put out is not exactly the shit that I’m tryin’ to roll witt. I have run into two MCs so far in this N.Y. land and they both on some ole shit that I really don’t like. I’m gonna produce shit for whoever wants it whether I like their flow or not because believe it or not, the wackest shit gets put on top.

I called my daughter and she was watching a Blues Clues tape and didn’t want to talk. She didn’t even want to come to the phone. Victoria told her “come and see who on the phone.” She didn’t say nothing like your daddy’s on the phone. I thought about calling her back and telling her about that shit, but I let it go and said fuck Victoria. She’s the stupid bitch for not wanting to promote a good relationship between her child and the father. Let her be simple. Her simpleness is why she’s still livin’ with her mom and dad at age 28, been left alone by two good  niggaz in the last two years, and nothing seems to be working for her so far in life. Jealousy, envy, hatred, and evilness will get you nowhere. Youthink she would have figured this out by now. She used to worry about me not believing in god. I’m jesus compared to her ass, and all the evil shit she has on her back for me.

One day I came to realize that you pray for something and you are supposed to keep praying for it, and be patient, and eventually god will give it to you. What kind of bullshit is that? I prayed for a record contract for years and nothing ever happened. Then they always have an excuse; well, that is not what the good lord intended for you to be. The lord has a plan for everybody. So the lord doesn’t want me to be what I want to be and what I will enjoy being. I damn sure ain’t enjoying this working at these corporations shit too much.

My grandmother has been praying for what seems like all her life, and she ain’t got nothing good from it. She had a husband who cheated and beated on her, and she cheated on him. Only two of her seven kidz have real jobz and their own homes. All except for two, the youngest two, have been married or are married still. None of the married ones have had happy marriages. My Uncle Michael’s wife has been cheating on him every since the beginning of their relationship, and I guess she has stopped at this point around age 45. They’ve been together since like age 20/21. I guess they call themselves happy now. They both have good paying jobs, and just bought a brand new home in the suburbs of our bullshit city Warren. He went away to the Marines about eight / nine years ago. When he came home from basic training his back was out for some reason. Word was that his wife and her mother and brother had beat him up, or that basic training was a little much for him to handle. About two years ago I got word that what really happened was that when he got home from basic training, his wife was fucking another man in their apartment. When my uncle walked in the apartment and went upstairs in the room, the guy jumped up and beat his ass because he knew karate or something.

My Uncle Billy cheats on my Aunt Lena because she has no flair (Jazz Pazazz) about herself. My Aunt Micha and her husband have their problems so she says. My oldest aunt married one time and was divorced at a fairly young age, and she has always been sexy to me, but she never remarried or has had a real boyfriend that she brought around the family. The youngest two who have never gotten married: Janet and Kelly. Janet was a sexy thang back in her day; has been sexy up until I’d say about six or seven years ago. She was thick and always wore tight jeans with a body suit. She had a big ole ass and some big ole tidies to go witt it, but she wore too much makeup, which looked good on her back in the seventies and eighties. She and the rest of my aunts always boated that they’ve never been known to be hoes. Janet always carried herself in a lady like manner as far as I saw. She never had a real job though, and maybe that is why no one came along and swooped her up. And maybe she had some bad pussy, didn’t know how to fuck with all that ass she had. I know from experience that if the pussy ain’t good, you will not be kept, and once you are gone, you will not be remembered. Remember that shit ladies! Kelly, she never had a real job neither, and her thickness wore out to be fat way before Janet’s did. I’ve heard her talkin’ some freakiness though, so maybe she had some good pussy but nothing else to go with it to make a man want to marry her. My mom was married to my father who used to beat on her and abuse her. They got a divorce. She was still young and sexy at the time. We moved to California when I was five, and she met her second husband when I was like seven. He was nice to her and me: no drugs, didn’t fight her. They were quite happy I suspect. She even said he had some good dick. Well they got robbed one day in California. Now she is 47, fat, no life, no hope. Just smokes, eats, and sleeps and watch my little cousins when asked.

So my grandmother’s family is not at all a bright, blessed family. She is even living from SSI check to SSI check. If her car breaks down, I don’t know what she is going to do about another one. Well she probably has some money in the bank. I don’t know. I’m her only descendant to date that has graduated from college and tryin to do something big with my life. My one cousin works at a good factory in Warren, Ohio and is doin’ well; bought her a house and is raising her son nicely. His father is in his life a little I guess. She was fucking around with two light skinned niggaz when she got pregnant, and told the wrong one that the baby was his. I think her and her mother have a thing for light skinned and fair skinned men. Her mother called herself in love with this mixed looking nigga named Prince at one point in her life. He was a pretty small time hustler in town or maybe he was big time at one point. I don’t know what happened to him and her though, but that was her man. My cousin Jerome, his mother Micha has convinced him that we are not family any more. He is making a career out of the service in the Navy. He married a white / German woman who cheated on him so they divorced. My cousin Carla had a baby at age 15 by a guy who is in jail for a gang fight where they nearly beat some white kids to death. She just recently had another baby by some guy in jail for statutory rape of a 14 year old girl. She works for this company Wetzel Corp. My Uncle Michael’s kidz, three: one of which is not his, one which is rumored to not be his, and the youngest who is supposed to be his. The two oldest, one has two kidz and the other has one kid, and the youngest has one kid. The youngest, her baby is by the pastor (married) of her old church that my Grandmother used to attend. She has a pretty good job and is taking care of herself and her son. The middle one, his first kid came when he was 17 / 18 by some white girl and her family took the girl and shipped her to California and we’ve never seen the baby. After losing his girl and baby and not being able to do anything about it, he got his balls clipped as to never have another baby ever again. He has gone on to make a career out the service: Air Force. The oldest, I don’t know what she does. She was in the Army. She had a son by some guy in San Francisco. He loves his son, and has joint custody of him. Somehow they had another child, and she has him full time I guess. They were supposed to be fighting when she came up pregnant again. My cousin Samuel has been in and out of jail the last ten years tryin’ to be a drug dealer. He never made it in the drug game though. He tried to introduce me to it, but I was scared of going to jail because of the stories my family told me about getting pumped in the booty. Later on in life, I found out that those stories were not all true; getting pumped in the booty happened in jail, but not to everybody every time, just mostly prisons where niggaz is locked up for life for murder and rape and shit like that. I wished I would have joined my cousin, with my help, we could have came up in the game because while most niggaz was beating people up and fighting all the time, I would have been killing niggaz for tryin’ to take mine. I probably would have still went to college, and have close to a mill or five hundred thousand stacked up by now. He has a mixed little girl, and a black little girl whom his mom helps him with seeing and taking care of. The mixed little girl is out of town with her mom and she comes to Warren I guess every other summer.

Me, if it wasn’t for abortion, I would have 1,2,3,4,5,6 kidz by now. Christina; the fat white girl Carmel; Rebecca; Elizabeth; Sausha; and Victoria who had my baby girl Janelle. Victoria got pregnant after three months of us fucking around. I thought we would make it. I thought I liked her, but as time went on, I discovered that I didn’t like her. And once I left her once and for all the second time around, she has hated me every since and has given me trouble with building a relationship with my daughter. We have a relationship, but Victoria would throw a wrinkle in every now and again, and her hate still remains for me. I love my daughter and try to take care of her, and see her as much as her mom will let me. I have no concern for Victoria, good or bad. And like I said, she has a bad attitude, and her pussy wasn’t that great, so she wasn’t kept, and now that she is gone, she is not remembered.

I just finished my 2nd 90 minute tape of my songs. As I did on my first tape I left a message telling my daughter that I love her. I also left a message for her mother played backwards. If you can figure out how to get it played forward Victoria, you can hear it. Listening to my songs, there is something about them that I do not like. They are not hard enough to me and they don’t sound… Hold up, I know what the problem is; the problem is that I have been exposed to all this bullshit being played over the airwaves, and I haven’t bought many albums lately to listen to because I can’t afford it. I think my shit has a place on the underground circuit. I have a few songs that can hold their own weight above ground also. I think I’ll be fine with my tracks.

I was going to try and go to Florida next weekend to the Black College Spring Break and stay with my cousin Romeo, but I don’t think I will be able to make it. He offered to give me some money to help pay for the ticket, but I don’t want him paying for my trip like he did the last time I went and seen him in Kansas. I’m a grown man now, and I should be able to pay for my own trip. Back when I went to Kansas, I was still in college and didn’t have a real job. Now, I’m working full time. I can’t really afford to go but fuck it. He’s been living there for five years now and I haven’t seen his home that he and his wife had built, and she is talking about building another one. I hope my wife and I can make moves like them and have a nice home and drive nice vehicles like they do.

I am bringing Janelle to New York with me this weekend anyway, so I’ll spend the time with her. Her mom doesn’t want to let me bring her, but fuck her. I am a man taking care of his responsibility. I have a right to have my daughter come and stay with me a couple weeks every couple of months. She is just being a bitch saying I can’t bring her home with me. But I ain’t standing for her bullshit no mo. I’m gonna tell her like this, “she is my daughter too. If you want to fight me and press kidnapping charges on me, go ahead. But while you calling me complaining about money and insurance, if I’m in Jail, you can’t get shit from me; so going against me, you going against yourself and your daughter.” I’m gonna see what she what she gonna do though. Victoria you better recognize that all this negative energy that you are throwing out is holding you back from the life that you want to live. You gonna fuck around and be living with Jethro and Darlene forever, and just wrinkle up in that house.

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