Jrnl Entry No. 4.5.2000

So I went to see my cousin Romeo in Florida for the first time since he moved there like three, four years ago. He picked me up that Thursday night in his wife’s 500 SL Benz convertible. She is in love with convertibles every since she had a Pontiac Thunderbird back in the day before Romeo even met her. I was hoping that he would pick me up in the Toyota Land Cruiser that he has. But he is leasing it, and as I saw he is close on his mileage for the year.

We got to his house in Florida from the airport about 1 A.M. The house was beautiful on the outside, with a big yard on all four sides. When I got into the inside, it was not what I was expecting. I find that nothing never is what you expect once you get your eyes on what you’ve been imagining. The house was cool except for the fact that the family room was too small. The bedrooms were of a good size. The main bathroom was very nice. And the patio out back was also nice. It’s a nice home; I’d take it and chill.

Romeo and I sat up until like 3:30 A.M. and talked about mainly the music industry. He was telling me to start bugging some people that I see, or just talk to whomever I see who ever had or has anything to do with the music industry. I guess maybe this summer I’ll see more people like I saw when I first got here in the late summer and early fall. On our way back from the airport, we had a few reminiscent conversations about Jennifer, his old girlfriend from high school when he was a senior. She was like one of the most wanted girls at that time and he had her. She was also an excellent student all throughout her grade school career, like straight A.

Yeah Jennifer seemed to have a promising future ahead of her, a definite success you know. After high school, she went on to Oberlin University for a year I believe. When she returned home for the summer I think it all went bad. There were stories that she was smoking, which no one never thought she would ever do; smoke cigarettes. There were stories that she was messing around with one of the Coldwater boys round town, and that she was pregnant by him. I guess no one ever expected her to be messing with one of these guys who weren’t really doing anything special with they lives at that time. And especially, no one expected Jennifer to be having anyone’s baby.

I wonder if she was dragged down by her friend Amy who wasn’t doing anything special with her life at the time but hanging out and what not. Amy and Jennifer were really good friends in high school which is how Jennifer and Romeo got hooked up in the first place. Amy used to date my other cousin Jeff when he was home from Mississippi during the summers. But anyway, Romeo and I just said that we would like to see Jennifer and talk with her. If all that was rumored is true, I would like to ask her what happened to her life. How could one of the most promising beautiful young ladies in town turn out to be really nothing?

We talked about the class of 90 high school reunion. Now this was the class of all classes to graduate from at Warren Western Reserve. All the girls: Jennifer, Sherry, Alissa, Alice, Monica, Susan, Marilyn, Sally, Cicely, Brianna, “Big Booty” Leslie, Carmen, Tierra, etc. All the guys: Aderale, Long, Sachel, Wicky, Maxumus, Mortimer (R.I.P.), Tyus, Collin, Rutherford, Barney, Jordan, White, etc. I mean this was just your all out cool class of kidz. If these people were at a party along with some other people, the party was considered live.

Friday we chilled in the morning until his wife got back from their accounting and business management business. At 3:00 P.M. they had to go and close the deed of their three and half acres of land to build a new house on. Everything about the closing was good to go except $900 which was to go to the Association for the neighborhood to build tennis courts and swimming pools and shit like that. They were arguing that the $900 was not disclosed to them in the beginning and that they were not gonna pay, and also that the $900, it was to be paid upon first transfer of the deed from developer to buyer. Well the buyer transferred the deed to one of its other entities first, and this would be the second transfer of the deed. They had a $150,000 piece of land, nice size lot, for $117,500. Now was the time to play hardball. The seller didn’t want to budge on the $900, so we all decided that we should leave and say no deal, and let the seller think about it.

So we left and went so they could show me their tax preparation and business management business. It was a little place, not that nice looking, with mainly white people not dressed so well, some looking dirty, running in and out. I was expecting to see some attractive women or something, but all I saw were these fat unkempt white ladies coming in. They prepare taxes, manage household bills, and give clients a monthly cash projection considering projected cash coming in and based on last month’s bills to be paid with a slight uptick for variation sake of certain bills such as phone, light and gas/air bill. While we were there, the seller of the land called back with an offer to pay $500 of the $900, and they agreed. We then went back and they signed the deed and now they have it. See I read over the internet once that you should, even when the deal is surely in your hands, walk out one last time, and you’ll be surprised at what you get. They got to pay $400 for neighborhood association cost instead of $900.

That night we had a bar-b-que at their house with some friends of theirs. They had one single girl come by to entertain my eyes by the name of Rolonda. She was nice looking, tall, body was alright. I thought she had weave in her hair, but it turned out to be hers, which I found out the next night when we went out and came back to her apartment to chill. While at her apartment, we had a nice little conversation for about an hour and a half and then I started making moves on her. At first she wasn’t totally with it, but she gave in and started kissing me. We didn’t do much else because you know how women like to try and act like they don’t fuck on the first date. I say if you’re hot, just do it because chances are, you’re gonna do it a couple of days later anyway.

I got a chance to see Daytona Beach Black College Reunion earlier that day. It was mostly a bunch of ugly girls with their asses hanging out, getting felt on all day as they walked past guys. There were a few out of sight asses I saw though. It was cool, about what I expected it to be. Sunday morning I was back at the airport to fly back to New York.

Looking at my cousin and the way he is living. I think he is happy and unhappy at the same time. I really can’t recite a reason as to why I feel this way, but I just do. I know one thing I noticed is that his wife is not the sexiest thing. I just didn’t find anything in her that was sexy to me to make me think like “he is a lucky man to have this ass walking around this house and sleeping with him.” He is twenty nine, so I know he is thinking on that level also, but he probably just lives with it. And who knows, maybe he likes it that way. Or maybe he thinks that it is not the most important thing. But I don’t see why she doesn’t always look tight. She has two kids, but that is always the excuse of women. What, ya’ll think that once ya’ll have a baby, ya’ll can just let ya’ll self go?

She got two kidz granted, but she doesn’t have to be at work at 8A.M. because she quit her job to go to school for her MBA, which now she is not going because the second baby was born. Now she works at the tax and business management place, which she owns so she can show up anytime she wants to, which should leave her time to get her shit together as far as gear goes; go shopping and get some sexier gear, and sexier doesn’t always mean tight. A woman in a nice pants suit with a nice pair of sculptured shoes is sexy. I know with me, I need to see my woman looking as good as the competition. I want her to stand out in the crowd like those other girls with the big asses and tight shit on getting all the attention from the men. It helps people to know that they got something desirable. Like with a new car, you want a car that you think others would want, that they would stare at, and wish they had one too; it makes you feel good.

I’ve tried to express to Romeo in every possible way that I am happy for him and his life. I want him to know that there is no jealousy on my part what so ever, or hate, or feeling like he owes me something now or in the future. I am glad that I know him, a guy driving a 1998 Toyota Landcruiser, who owns his own place of business, and who just purchased three and half acres of land to build a new home from the ground on. I wish I could live like that, but I don’t wish it was me instead of him. I wish we both could be living fat and just chilling and spending more time with each other really.

See Romeo is like my third cousin, kind of removed, but not really. I started hanging around him in the summer 87. We got close through Jeff, who is also our cousin. He and Jeff have always been close because they grew up in the same neighborhood during the summers when Jeff was in Warren from Mississippi. I don’t know how Romeo’s and my relationship started, but somehow during that summer in 87 we just connected and have been like brothers every since.

During his freshman year in college, during winter break, his dad was shot dead by his mom. I don’t know the story of what happened, but one morning she just shot him. After that summer, he went to DC to live with his sister, my cousin, Sary Kim. And he attended Howard University. I think he came home like once in the three or four years that he attended school in DC. I spoke with him periodically over the phone you know.

For his graduation, a group of his uncles and aunts drove from Warren to DC to attend his graduation, which would also be his marriage day to Eunice. I wasn’t gonna miss that trip, and I didn’t. I went, he graduated, he got married the same day, and there started his life.

He met Eunice in New York when he was interning there as an accountant for the summer. I guess she whipped a little pussy on him and licked his ass or something that summer. He went and attended his last semester of school, and they kept in touch. They visited his sister in New York that Christmas break and what not; she had moved there to work for Def Jam by then.

It was the perfect set up to wait on a man to graduate from college with the same degree you have, and would be making the same paper as you. Eunice is a smart girl wouldn’t you say? During that year of a long distance relationship, they came to the conclusion to get married without living together first or anything like that. They got married from conversations and one summer dating. Now they are living the American dream together: House, cars, 2.5 kids. I think Romeo wishes he had known her a little better before he jumped into this marriage. He told me of arguments and cries of “I want a divorce.” They are working through their problems I guess and have been together for 5 years. I think they might have gotten a divorce if the second baby hadn’t come along because right when he told me she was screaming divorce is when he told me, a couple of months later that she was pregnant.

I don’t know how happy or sad he or she is with the other, but they can’t be that unhappy purchasing land and building houses together, and steady building businesses. Maybe somewhere down the road, they will divorce and just become business partners or maybe not. I just want whatever will make him happiest because right now to me, he doesn’t look happy. I think they got married with the notion in mind, and maybe they even discussed it, about how much money they could save together, and what they could do with it. And that is exactly what they are doing: making and saving a lot of money, and doing a lot of things with it.

Me, my life is shit. The women who I am involved with have three kids and no career. I want a career in music, but that seems far away. I want to have a nice home and drive a nice car like Romeo. I want a wife who is making a good amount of cash to help me accomplish these things. I’m not insecure at all, and could even take a woman making more money than I am, just as long as she has time to show me love and attention, we all good. I’ve been trying to meet me a woman every since I got to New York, but I haven’t had any luck with that. And don’t give me that bullshit about you can’t meet a nice girl at a club or a guy. Hell, I be at the club sometimes and I am a helluva guy. But I’ve tried meeting them everywhere. New York is not a town to meet people in. I’ve talked to girls in the train station, in the music store, at restaurants, etc. No one is willing to exchange numbers, hook up and see if we can get along. I know I ain’t ugly, or maybe I am since I haven’t found a girl here in seven months. I’m not looking so much now, I’m like fuck it. But being alone is drawing me closer to these women who have nothing going in their lives but me. I love them, but I can’t help to think that taking care of three kids will hinder me in living how I really want to live, especially with no real solid help.

I’m broke to the bone now, and can’t even afford to go out. And this leads me to think that I am just wasting a lot of money and time here. I have no place else that I would like to go though except Atlanta which is too far away from my daughter.

DON’T HAVE KIDS, MAN OR WOMAN, WITHOUT A WIFE OF HUSBAND. I ain’t having no more.

So I’m like stuck right now, and may be stuck for what will seem like the rest of my life. How can I drive a Range Rover? Music! How can I build me a house from the ground? Music! In New York, how can I get a pretty bitch with a big ass? Music! Either music or hit the lotto, or maybe meeting me a bitch making some real money, which seems far off in my world right now.

I don’t know, I just don’t know. The way I’m living now, I don’t like it. In everybody’s eyes, it probably seems great for me to be living in N.Y. and for me to be driving a new car, and for me to have nice clothes, etc. But for me, I’m not finding the joy in it. And I ain’t going searching for it through no man in the sky.

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