Jrnl Entry No. 1.11.2001

My cousin Sloane always asks me when I’m making reference to a woman that I am involved with, she asks, “is she white?” I guess since I was in love with a white girl in 12th grade and messed with a few after that, she assumes that I’m white girl crazy “Jungle Fever.” I had to write her an e-mail telling her to stop that. My white girl days are behind me, (well not really), but she don’t need to know that because I’m not in a relationship with one, it’s just an affair. I had to tell her that I am not searching for a white woman. I am not in the social environment to be socializing with white women for them to get to know me, for us to get into a relationship. And even if I was in a social environment with them, white women don’t make themselves available or let it be known that they will date a black guy and I ain’t necessarily going around asking. I did tell her that if the right white woman comes along and we happen to hook up, so it will be. Fucking around here in New York City, I haven’t had any relations with a woman at all, so if whoever comes along with the right credentials, is white, I‘m taking her.

She responded with this:

As far as the white girl issue. I feel just like if you (I mean in general) can find a white woman to share your hopes and dreams with, you can find a black woman. There are good black women: independent, childless, AND educated out here. After being in D.C. and attending a lot of Howard University events, I realized how many educated black women there are w/o children…just looking for a strong black man. I think too many black men settle, especially military men. They use that excuse overseas of there not being a lot of sistas around. I don’t care how near or far I travel…I will always have a black man. Mind you, not just any black man but one suited for me. I don’t condemn anyone’s love I just know the love that I want. I know, we all must do whatever makes us happy.

I responded back with this:

Well, like I said, I’m not searching for a white woman. If I bring one home, best believe she’ll be thorough. I’ve been traveling all over the U.S. since my freshman year in college and have seen many beautiful black women, but with no access the them, a brother had to do what he had to do which was be with a white girl providing me with porno sex, money, shoes, clothes, and whatever else I wanted. You women don’t understand that men and women are different: one, y’all can go months to years without sex and be happy with y’all vibrator until you come across the right man or until you get over whatever problem you have. Two, to black women, there aren’t that many white, Korean, Chinese or any other race for that matter, that is sexier than a black man. Now for men, there are sexy women of all races, shades, shapes and colors so it’s easier for us to go astray. All we need is a nice smile, nice cute booty, two breast, maybe some thighs and hips, and we are good to fall in love.

Like here in New York for example, I see all types of beautiful women: French, Austrailian, Italian, Trinidadian, Black, Jamaican, Hispanic, Dominican, etc. Now when I first got here, I only tried to talk to black women. What I’ve found out about the whole city is that you don’t meet people here by just talking to them in a friendly way on sight at a bar or where ever you may be. You have to get hooked up through a friend or through work. I don’t have that many friends at work or otherwise. My one friend hooked me up with this Dominican chick who normally, on a sunny day, I wouldn’t try and talk to her as beautiful as she is. Now if she is down witt me, I’m gonna pursue it and whatever happens, happens. I’ve talked to hundreds of black women here, but received nothing but a cold shoulder. I still love em, but I’m at a point where I’m gonna take whatever looks good that is available. I’m on the look-out for a black woman but every beautiful one that I tap on the shoulder and smile at looks at me like I’m stupid.

She in return responded with this:

I hope and pray you find a nice sista and if you happen to get a white girl I hope she keeps you happy. As far as other men besides black men…I’ve traveled a little and I’ve seen some fine men, there are some find Puerto Ricans, even some fine white men and any other race…maybe not as many men as there are women but a brotha doesn’t get with a white girl cause she is fine and we both know that. I really don’t understand why yall do. Me personally, there is nothing and I mean nothing like a brotha especially a chocolate one. Like they say, to each his own.

I understand men have needs…yes, I do; what I don’t understand is how y’all get with a white girl and take her all around like you have some prize or something…half the shit a white girl does to a brotha he’d kill a sista for tryin. Just like men who get babies with one chick and won’t take care of them but you get with someone who has kids that aren’t yours and you taking care of her and them. Charity starts in your house. Not directed at you, but a lot of brothas; how can you have a child and not want to see them? Charity (my daughter) her father would kill me if I ever tried to keep her from him and look at Arkay, you couldn’t pay him to be the father he needs to be to Yarkell. Yarkell is very loving and smart, didn’t ask to be here. He started playing b-ball this year and he’s pretty decent. I wish Arkay would try to come into his life after he becomes someone…be it b-ball or not. I don’t wanna hear that baby’s mama shit either. Yarkell has lived with me and in Ohio and do you know I haven’t seen Arkay in 5+ years and talked to him in 3+, so I know it ain’t me. I don’t bother him at all.

You know after being around a lot of college females they come off like a brotha has to prove himself to them. It’s almost like prove to me how bad you want me. Some sistas are the reason brothas are with white girls. I think I have a problem with me being too independent. I don’t ever wanna hear a guy say…I did this, I did that blahzay blahzay. I can’t see how a woman is a house wife. I don’t care how much the man makes I need my own income for myself. As long as I work a man will never tell me what I can’t spend. He might say baby put it on lay-a-way, or ask me to wait a minute but never ever tell me no I can’t do that.

If you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you stay with your daughter’s mother? I wish I could’ve stayed with Charity’s dad. The only person I’ve ever loved like that is Pulplin Waterford and I wonder if I’ll ever love like that again. How do you know when you’re in love? I know when I get this feeling I can’t explain it but I know when It’s there, like with Pulplin Waterford. Well, have a nice day.

I came back and broke it down like this:

You black women always say “why do they parade around with a white woman like she is a queen, like you don’t see brothas everyday with black women on their arm too. And white women have a different persona about them. Well the ones I’ve known do, and it makes them easier to get along with. When you get along with your mate, you have a good time with your mate; therefore you go out with your mate, black or white. And they are not push overs like most people believe. You see Montell Williams got a divorce, and Patrick Ewing’s wife divorced him after he got caught fuckin’ around with one of the cheerleaders for the team.

And, I can’t speak for most brothers, but I know right now, if something comes along that’s decent lookin’, intelligent, black or white, I’m takin it if I’m feelin’ it like that. And I don’t care who someone gets with. Sistas can get them a white man. My view is that he got a dick just like I do and a heart with feelings. Whatever the person chooses because I’m gonna get what I want regardless. If a good lookin’ sista is witt a white man or any man for that matter, it ultimately means that I can’t have her so I best get to steppin on and find what I want to be in my life.

The question of how do you know you’re in love. You have the only answer. You just know. You care about that person. You would do anything for that person. You feel your best when you are with that person, at home, in public, in bed, etc. That is your love and nothing except for walking in and catching them in a sexual act with someone else would make you want to leave that person; and even that sometimes won’t stop the love. I haven’t felt a love like that I had for Samantha. We were down for each other in whatever way we could be in high school. Sorry she was and is a white girl. The feelings are all gone for her, but it was a great feelin I had with her. I guess life is too complicated as an adult to have love like that because I don’t ever think I’ll feel it like that again. And no, I’m not searching for a white woman to give me that feeling again. And if you say that was just puppy love, then I guess I’ve never really been in love with anyone.

Janelle’s mother got pregnant in three months of me being with her. As time when on, I noticed differences in attitude and personality; one major thing was that she wasn’t really down with me. I told her I wanted to live in New York. She said she wouldn’t live in New York with ONE kid and no family; basically saying to me that she wasn’t woman enough, and she didn’t think that I was man enough to handle ourselves and raise our one child by ourselves. She said she wouldn’t drive in New York because of traffic jams, and she wouldn’t ride the subway. She always talked about how she wanted a fat house and fat car, and complained that she was broke, but wouldn’t go and get a little part-time job to alleviate her little money problems because she wanted to work in an office . She wasn’t qualified to work nowhere because she didn’t finish school. The one office job she held down for a year or two she quit because she wasn’t qualified to receive a big raise like she thought. She used to live in Columbus in a nice apartment above her means with her dad paying the rent. She wanted to be high class, but I didn’t see her trying to start from the bottom where she was to make it to the top where she wanted to get. I guess she thought she was gonna get there on my back. To this day, at age 29 she is still livin’ with her parents talkin’ about what she gonna do when.

I am fun and out-going, and she has social anxiety if you ask me; don’t want to be seen or heard in the public. And when the baby was born, I tried to make everything work with her, but she wouldn’t have sex with me. I got an attitude because she didn’t explain to me with good enough reason why she would do that when I’m tryin to be her man and stand beside her until she can get on her feet so that we could stand by each other side by side and support each other as mother father and child.

It’s like that attitude you have of if “I ain’t got my own, I can’t trust no BLACK MAN to help me get it because he may try and tell me what to do with it.” And every since the baby was born she has been tryin to treat me like an ass-hole who is not responsible enough to care for my child when it’s in my possession. I had to tell her that I had everything in life as far as being an adult that she wanted and didn’t have, so how she gonna treat me like an irresponsible dick head when it comes to being with my daughter. She’s still giving me visitation problems to this day. What I say, she says the opposite when it comes to seeing my daughter; therefore, we will never be friends because there shouldn’t be any argument for a man tryin’ to be a father to his child and spend time with it .I’ve been to court two times: once for overnight visits, and another for out of state visits. Janelle is supposed to come and stay with me for two weeks every three months starting right now, but her mother is trying to give me problems with that. If she loved me, she never showed it. When I stepped out, she never asked me back and I never went back because I felt that she didn’t trust in me and what I wanted to do in life as far as we were concerned. She had her own agenda, which she couldn’t see fusing together with mine so here we have it. She’s still in Warren tryin to get off the ground by herself, and I’m off the ground trying to flap my wings to fly sky high

She never came back after that, but my point is that to men, women are a beautiful thing. A woman’s body is one of the most beatifullest thing in the world (Keith Murry) and sights to see. It don’t matter what race of woman, most have beautiful bodies in clothing, and more so, in the nude. Now many people stick to their race for various reasons: fear of what others will think, or just plain loyalty to the race. But when the option presents itself, I’m sure almost 95% of men will at least have sex with a woman of a different racial background than themselves.

For black men, I think #1 why they go astray is the advertisement of women of other races especially white women in movies, commercials, magazines, porno movies, etc. For #2, it’s to see what it is about the taste of the forbidden fruit. For #3, we as black people feel like the world shuns us. When we are accepted by other people different than us, who normally would shun us; some of us take that acceptance and run with it. We run so far as to try and be like those that accept us, losing, in some cases all traces of ourselves: our language and way of speaking, our traditional foods we eat, and our general way of behavior when just plain chilling, having a brew and hangin’ out.  Now to a black man who feels this way and is bothered by the issue, the greatest acceptance he can receive is to be accepted into a woman’s body, her temple of affection. This acceptance in most cases causes that particular black man to run and never return to his home from which he was born: The Black Woman. For #4, in most cases what you see being advertised in movies, magazines, etc. is what you get in a white woman. They are advertised as the most beautiful, as being easy to get along with, and freaky in the form of sex and porn.

My personal experiences with white women have been just that: ease of attitude, and great sexual experiences. The beauty part, well many brothers may not have the finest or the beautifullest white woman, but there is an illusion that she is or could be. This illusion comes from seeing white women, regular white women, carrying themselves as queens, looking as if they just stepped off the cover of a magazine. My friends and I have often noticed and mentioned to ourselves that on a regular summer day in the mall, you are guaranteed to see 3 to 5 beautiful white women in your view. If you are lucky, you might see one beautiful black woman dressed sexy, hair done, glowing, etc. And this is a small town experience that I’m referring to. It applies in bigger cities, but the ratio of beautiful white women you see to beautiful black women you see is smaller, depending on where you hang out. In New York, Philly, Atlanta, I’ve seen more beautiful black women in the malls on regular days looking like my wife to be. But in a city such as New York where I currently live, the black women are cold to the sound of a young black man’s voice. This coldness could weaken a brother to go astray and stay astray. I ain’t there yet, but I’m broke down with the attitude I receive from black women at a lounge spot like Justin’s on a Tuesday night or out shopping, etc. Very, very slowly, I’m feeling like I want to get me a nice little white woman, move to Indiana, marry, have kids and live happily ever after.

In the past five years, the images of black women, just black people period have been more positive and beautiful in commercials, movies and magazines. It’s no longer the case, where at 9 P.M. on a Monday night you won’t see any blacks advertised in commercials, or on T.V. in our own sitcoms that portray some aspect of our life. This, while great, still is a short lived experience compared to the actual reality of how, I feel, the majority of us carry ourselves in everyday life, in relationships, in our home life and out in public.

This is my educational view as to why I think black men date out of their race and seem just so in love when with a white woman and treat her life a queen. And the best thing I can say for black women who can’t stand seeing black men with white women is to carry yourself every day or when out in public like you are walking up on a pedestal. Start treatin’ your black brothers with simple jobs making average incomes who can’t afford a Range Rover or BMW with a little more respect. Start being a little more freaky behind closed doors because we are all adults and if you won’t tell, I won’t tell. But what you won’t do, maybe a white woman will. Give a brother a few reasons to treat you like a queen and he will do so if you treat him like a king.

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