Jrnl Entry No. 7.5.2001

DAMN! You wasn’t supposed to break up whatever we got goin. I’m letting you know how I feel about the phone. Last night was the last straw witt you and this phone. Now if you think I’m so wrong and you are so right, then I guess we gots to chill out and you don’t have to worry about me and how I feel about your phone. My phone doesn’t ring period when you are over my house partly because no one has the number, and secondly I wouldn’t let it ring while you are over there because that is our time, not my boys, not my moms, not another woman or women. And you be holdin’ mini-conversations before you say, “you’ll have to call me back.” That tells me that you give a fuck about whoever, not to tell them that you are with company and can’t talk right now. The one time the phone did ring when you were at my house ,I told the chick I had company because I didn’t and don’t give a fuck about her and what she thinks of me having company.

You say niggaz ain’t shhit. They ain’t shit only because bitches let them not be shit by not tellin’ them about themselves and how they feel about it. If I never say anything seriously about you and that phone, you’ll keep on just like you been and are doing. I’m letting you know your phone and you conversating on I when you are with me is bullshit and I ain’t havin’ it, and obviously you ain’t havin that. It’s whatever too.

As long as you say we are just friends, no, I don’t know what you are doing and I don’t want to know, but don’t expect me to think that you are doing nothing. I’d be a sucka. If you ain’t totally mine that means that part of you is somebody else’s. While I do care about you also, I ain’t oblivious to the possibility of what you could be doin’, and I’ll say it out loud because you ain’t my lady as you make so vividly clear a point every time I see you. Well, you ain’t my lady vividly. I’ll tell you vividly that you make could be doin whatever when you ain’t witt me even though 95% of me thinks that you are not.

You are takin’ the car thing a little too seriously. I let you use my car last weekend. I don’t blame you for it breaking down. That is all jokes. The ridin’ niggaz around in it was said in response to anger about you talkin’ on the phone in my kitchen. And you say you did that because I act like I don’t care or it’s whatever. You say that like you want me to sweat you about who you talk to and who you witt when you ain’t witt me. I’ve been there, done that. I don’t care who you talk to, but you ain’t gonna be talkin’ to them on the phone while you witt me. Even if you was my lady, it would still be the same because bottom line, if you want to fuck someone, you gonna do it and ain’t shit I can do about it. Now if it’s obvious that you are givin all your attention to someone else, then yes I’ll say something. I don’t think that you are giving too much of your attention to someone else, but I also don’t think you are giving me all of your attention. And as long as you keep me feelin that way, I’m gonna say things out loud that you could be doin.

I ain’t got a big problem with nothing except the phone calls. The other stuff like you maybe riding your friend around; yeah, it’s a slim thought, but if it was a big thought and I actually thought you would really do something like that, I wouldn’t even be fuckin’ witt you. And maybe I would because part of me doesn’t care. I ain’t got time to be sweatin’ no young lady about what she’s doing when she ain’t doing it witt me.  

And as far as the car goes, it goes a little deeper than me not just trustin’ you. It’s not just a car. I’m payin $18,000 $342 a month for that brand new car. My, let me repeat that, MY brand new car, not my moms, dad’s, uncles etc. I want to keep my car. Even though you probably wouldn’t, there is a chance that if you fucked it up, you could say fuck me and leave me stuck witt the bill. I used to be mad at my uncles and aunts when they wouldn’t let me drive their cars to Atlanta for Freak-Nik, or to DC for Howards Homecoming, but now that I got my own I understand. Yeah, it’s just a car and I’d live without it, but I’d rather not. Your brother asked me could he drive my car to his house one time and I said no. You’ll understand when you get a car, especially while you are paying for it, and especially if it has 0-80 miles on the odometer when you drive it from the dealer to your house.

Now I think you know that I would love for you to be my lady, but you don’t want to be. You somehow think that would be some big task that you can’t handle right now. I ain’t sweatin’ you to be my lady, I’m just letting you know. You care about me. I Love You Too! So whenever you decide that you want to stop bein’a punk witt a heart, I’ll be here for you to give it to me. If you never give it to me, oh well. I guess in time our little relationship will fade. But lady or no lady you ain’t gonna be talkin’ on that phone to other guys who want to fuck you while you are chillin witt me.

One thought on “Jrnl Entry No. 7.5.2001

  1. It’s amazing, reading these 19 / 20 years later, how I was affected by Hip Hop and misspelling of words, not adding “g”s to my words, etc; using the word “Nigga” which, in my current journals I do not use at all unless referring to someone else’s use of it.

    I also found a personality flaw. I’ve always been one to say, “if it goes well how I want, that all well and good”, but then turn right back around in the same sentence and thought and say, “If it doesn’t go well like I want, that is OK too.” I think that flaw has caused me to never be fully committed to anything or anyone by always leaving to possibility to be “OK with” and “embracing” the negative outcome.

    I wonder what caused this flaw. I think I am still practicing it. Can it be cured?


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