Jrnl Entry No. 9.11.2001

I’m over my friend Carol Ann’s house in Jersey. I spent the night as I often do and go to work in the early morning; however, I am unemployed at this time. I got fired the weekend before Labor Day, which is all well and good because I just wasn’t feeling working at The Italian Job in Brooklyn. I had an interview with a lady at Robert Half Financial Employment Service this afternoon. I woke up at 8:50 A.M. to go and move my car from this meter lot which goes into effect at 9 A.M. I turned my radio on and Starr and Miss Jones were talking about something blowing up, and I thought they were talking about New York, but the details were sketchy because they had to get back to playing music. When I get back to Carol Ann’s house, she is up watching the news. What had happened was two air planes crashed into the World Trade Center Twin Towers. The World Trade Center was bombed back in 1993, and now here in 2001, two planes crash into the twin towers. I guess The World Trade Center has bad luck.

I was thinking that I could still get back into New York through the Lincoln Tunnel, go home and change my clothes, and take the train to 42nd Street to my interview. I was gonna leave at 11 A.M. but I planned on leaving at 10:30 due to this activity in the city which would probably cause a lot of traffic. At around 9:30 A.M. it was reported that the Lincoln Tunnel, George Washington Bridge, and all ways into New York were shut down.

So I’m stuck over her house. At this point, it was just the two planes crashed into the two buildings. I’m thinking lightly as always that it is no big deal, laughing it off like fuck the world because my world is not perfect or anywhere near where I would like it to be at the age of .. I figure, I’ll be stuck here for the day or maybe a few hours and then I can go home to my apartment in Long Island City Queens, New York. About a half hour later, they report that the Pentagon has been bombed also, a mall in Washington also. The White House was evacuated. New York is on full Terrorist alert. All planes nationally have been shut down on flights, and International flights have been diverted to Canada.

So now I’m thinking that it’s getting a little serious. Some muta fuckas are really trying to attach The United States and start some shit that they are not gonna be able to get out of their ass, because they have already taken the laxative, and the shit is BOILING, bot bubbling in their intestines. Whoever, has brought this shit on themselves and their bodies are just gonna explode from inside out with shit once The United States gets a hold of the fact that they started this shit.

A little after that, one of the Twin Towers collapsed from another explosion. I’m still taking it a little lightly because that is my nature of thinking right now. I’m even thinking it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I died right now. I was just thinking yesterday of blowing my brains out but I just can’t go out like that. I can’t deprive all the people who love me of my life. While I am a selfish mutha fucka, I am also a proud mutha fucka. And pride is what is keeping me here in New York trying to get into this music industry or get employed at some African American company like FUBU. But FUBU has no practical method of hiring so they tell me, which means that I will probably never get a job there. All the record companies have no hiring except internal. And that would be a real pick me up right now to work with something that has to do with music. I applied at ASCAP Publishing company but they don’t seem to be taking my interest in their company seriously.

But any way my life is fucked up. Carol Ann says that I am depressed and I need to start living. Well living to me is doing something for a living that you enjoy. I enjoy music but I can’t get no way into music it seems. I want to work for a Hip Hop oriented company, but none of them seem to hire anybody. I can’t live in that way. Living is also having a family and being able to provide for them: one woman to love, one or two children to cherish, etc. I got a kid but I had a girl who I don’t get along with so we are not together. I see my kid, Janelle every three months for two weeks. I have no family, no woman, and not even a job, let alone a job that I would love to be working on. So nothing is working for me right now; therefore, I can’t just live. How I want to live, I can’t live, so what is the point. But pride keeps me going, staying here with nothing working as I wanted it to or hoped it would. But anyway.

A half hour after that, right as I was standing there watching the TV drinking a Budweiser, the other World Trade Center Twin Tower collapsed right in front of my face. Chills went down my spine as the news reporters started saying, “oh my god is this live?”

Now It’s serious, war is imminent. Mutha fuckas have died in that building, no joke. I’m just watching this shit unfold in front of my face on TV. At my old job, they could probably see all of this happening right across the water in full view. I started to call there, but fuck them. I had no friend there to call. So now both World Trade Center buildings are down. This is gonna be on the news all day and they are reporting that some terrorist, Solovon Laudon, said there would be some type of terrorist attack on the United States because of the support shown for Isreal.

Now I’m not a history buff, and personally, if it is not affecting me or someone I know or I am nowhere near the shit, I don’t care about the shit. But there is some situation with the Isrealites and the Palestenians. Where the Palestenians keep starting shit for whatever reason, throwing rocks and shit at the Isrealites. In response, the Isrealites shoot the shit out of them. Now if you ask me, the mutha fuckas throwing the rocks are kind of stupid, just like the mutha fuckas taking over these planes and crashing them into shit are stupid. This little shit they are doing is minor, which most protest are. The Civil Rights Movement was minor, but it was done in a smart way. Except for a few exceptions, the shit was done peacefully and strategically. Like the Bus Boycott, “if you ain’t gonna let us ride the bus in peace, then we ain’t gonna ride and you gonna lose money.” SIMPLE!

But these mutha fuckas are waging war with air plane high-jacks, and mini-major explosions of buildings; this, against a country with tanks, air plane fire fighters, atomic bombs, etc. They are not gonna win. They can’t win against the Isrealites, they damn sure can’t win against the United States. But then again, maybe they are not stupid. They have a cause, and they are willing to protest, risking their lives for what they believe. Most people have something that they would do the same for. It seems dumb to me because I am not in their situation and I don’t understand their plight. I am being ethnocentric.

Now we are in a national state of emergency because these terrorist mutha fuckas are blowing up shit all around the United States. It was reported that 164 people died on one of the planes that crashed into The World Trade Center. It is being reported that in Palestine, 3000 mutha fuckas are over there celebrating what is going on in the United States. What has the United States directly done to them? These  Palestinian mutha fuckas have a twisted view of thinking and because they are celebrating, I have no choice but to rejoice when the U.S. drops a bomb on they asses. Well I probably won’t rejoice, but neither will I be sad.

As of now, shit has calmed down a little and they are just reporting on shit that has happened. But I bet my ass that something else is gonna happen major before the day is over. Maybe the whole New York will just start collapsing: the whole Manhattan Island, Queens, Brooklyn, Long Island. What if it all just started sinking into the water? Now that will be some shit. That would probably be some good shit for me and music because all the bullshit, can’t get a job, or get your music heard by record companies in New York: Bad Boy, Def Jam, Universal, etc. All the record companies will be shut the fuck down. I would leave from here in Jersey and start a record company in Cleveland. The music industry would be wide open for business. With all of New York dead, there would be a world of opportunity for rappers, producers, singers, etc. I would start a smart, good quality, entertainment company and get rich baby. 

But then again, if New York is shut down, the stock market will shut down and a lot of money would be lost, but hell not all money would be lost. I would be on top of the world in music if New York went down, believe that. It’s a shame probably that I would be thinking like that. But fuck it, the music industry is a dog eat dog world. So if the only way I can get in and live my life for what I love is for mutha fuckas to die, that is the way it’s gotta be. And still at the end of all this, I don’t give a damn, I ain’t got a job. I ain’t got an inkling of a production deal. I ain’t got nothing.

Watrina said to me yesterday, I don’t take aids seriously and life seriously.  I have my own little precautions about AIDS sure, but not as precautious as she would like me to be. When I got off the phone with her, I thought to myself, “to live is to have death upon you at any moment.” You think those mutha fuckas who were in that building could have taken precautions to those planes crashing this morning, NO! I guess I am lucky or blessed to have lived .. years, have a beautiful daughter, college education, nice size dick that keeps me with somewhat of a healthy sex life, family to love me, and all the other shit that I should be thankful for. I am thankful a little, but on the other end of my thankfulness is, “if the shit would have happened to me right now at this point in my life, it wouldn’t make a difference to me. By my standard of living, my life ain’t shit.”

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