Jrnl Entry No. 7.5.2004

I don’t have any drive. I have ideas in my mind but I don’t have the drive to make the ideas which are a dream, come to true and living. I’ve told myself that once I get a job or some kind of income coming in I’m going to do something to change my situation, make my life a little more exciting. But really, I don’t think I’m gonna do anything. I don’t know how to do anything, I don’t have anyone to show me how to do anything, no mentor.  My immediate family history is that of simple living, nothing extraordinary, no  business men or women, no entrepreneurs or nothing like that.  My family is made up of men and women who were and are satisfied with there lives. And while I complain all the time, maybe I’m satisfied with my life also. I’m just like the niggaz in Warren and Youngstown, Ohio who complain how boring it is and how there is nothing there for you, but they don’t try to leave or do anything to get up out of their situation. I guess I am satisfied with my accomplishments so far: my bullshit college degree from Youngstown State University, my bullshit work experience that doesn’t seem to be good enough 
to get me another job. Someone once said to me “without that degree and your job, what would you be.” I ain’t shit with it right now. I’m an introvert who doesn’t know anyone. My networking efforts have not brought me any real contacts to help me do what I want to do in life.

I’m looking at the first season of “In Living Color” by the Wayans brothers from back in the 90s. Looking back at it, it was so elementary and simple and stupid, but it made us laugh back in the day, we loved it, it was the shit for the times. I thought about the Wayans bother’s first film “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka” and how simple and stupid it was. These stupid projects made their careers and have carried over to the two younger brothers who just had a film out called “White Chicks.” I wonder how they got these projects off the ground, who helped them, who did they network with, who invested money to make these things happen for them. The Wayans family is a successful family in the movie business, especially for a black family in the business. They are from New York, the same place where I’m trying to make my dreams happen. They were broke, I am broke, so why can’t I get a little closer to my dream of working in the studio as a producer of songs for artist and maybe get my own label off the ground. What do I do?

I don’t have anyone to help me answer these questions, to help me move forward. And I’m really tired of this shit, being down on myself. Maybe this is needed to help me get what I want. Because I ain’t gonna sit here and do this forever, I’m gonna make some type of move. And maybe I’m just telling myself that to make me feel better. I don’t know. I’m so confused right now. I don’t make beats anymore; for what! I’m not in the industry, I don’t have anyone to record any of my songs. I was thinking to go and get a lawyer and maybe that would help me: a lawyer to get me a publisher, lawyers and publishers have connections to A&R people who pick songs to go on albums. I’ve tried damn near everything else to get on, what is one more try.

That’s what they say, try, try, try and try again. Yeah, I’m trying but I can’t help to think that I am trying too slow and I am missing opportunity.  Maybe that is because I’ve been really trying hard for five years to meet, greet and get into the New York Hip Hop Music industry to no avail. I’m tired. I’m trying, but only in my mind mostly. And trying from the mind is not gonna get it. I know that, but still I’m tired. But I’m also tired of not having nothing that I want, not being emotionally fulfilled, and music is the only thing that is gonna do that from me.

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