Jrnl Entry No. 7.9.2004

So Watrina, this bitch is trying to be real foul now. Wednesday we were to have dinner with her cousin because he seems like an intelligent guy: graduated from West Point, was in the military, and now he does product planning for master card, he’s the guy under the Senior Vice President. He has a big house out in Westchester, I think he said 3500 square feet. He talks real proper like a white man, and as I mentioned to someone else before that while it is worth a mention that he married a white woman from Iraq from the first war over there like in 91, it really doesn’t say much: a woman is a woman, whomever it is that satisfies you, do you.

So Wednesday afternoon, I call her for something and she starts in on some bullshit like “why didn’t you come and see me after your job interview”, which I had an interview that morning with an advertising agency, Cline, Davis & Mann. She ended up hanging up the phone on me because I wasn’t paying her no mind. I guess she thought that would make me not want to go to the dinner, which I was invited to and I already knew the place where we were supposed to eat, so our communication couldn’t be thrown off if I wasn’t able to reach her by phone like it was when we were supposed to go see the Wayans brother’s film “White Chicks.” She hung up the phone on me that day and our communication got thrown off. I ended up going to the movies by myself and she did what she did.

I think she’s either trying to lead me to believe that she fucking or going out with someone else and she’s not, or she really is seeing someone else, thinking that she is slick, but truth be told, “I don’t give a fuck.” So I get to the restaurant about five minutes late and her cousin and she are already at the bar having drinks, waiting for a table. She sees me as I walk in and I join them. We had a nice dinner, good conversation and advice about how to succeed. Like he said on his present job, he has always been ambitious to ask for new and bigger assignments. On all my jobs I just laid back and basically did nothing, probably why I can’t find another job right now. He said one interesting thing that I found surprising. “I will probably never make it to be CEO of anyone else’s company, look at my skin, there is only one of us who made it there, and he is not there anymore.” He was speaking of the black man who became CEO of Time Warner AOL. It surprised me because usually those people who speak really good ole boy, white, proper English, who are ambitious, they usually think they can break the white man’s effort to not let blacks get to the very top.

But anyway, we have the dinner, and as soon as we leave from his presence, she brings up another old argument that we had two weeks ago, and she was talking about she was going somewhere, out and about, and I couldn’t come. But I stayed with her because I didn’t have anything else to do. She kept trying to get me into a heated argument so that I would leave her presence. So like I said, either she is 
trying to lead me to believe that she is messing with someone else, or she is, thinking that she is being slick, but truth be told, “I don’t give a fuck!” So she stops and sits on this stoop for a while saying that she was not going to go drinking with me because she was not going to have a good time thinking about the argument that she was trying to start about two week old shit, that we fucked and made up about.

So I sat there with her patiently. After about thirty minutes of sitting there silent she decided to get up. I said, “So where we goin,” and she said, “Home” So she’s walking ever so slowly to the train station, supposedly because her sandals were hurting her feet. But usually I complain about her walking so slowly, so maybe that was just another plot to piss me off to get me to walk off, which is what I used to 
do. But I’m so on to all of her games that it’s funny to me. So I walked slowly with her, not talking, in silence. So when we get near home I cross the street, separate from her and get home a little ahead of her. I was thinking that she was just going to get in her truck and go where she wanted. I didn’t care by then because if she was going to go out her way that much to come back to Queens and get in her truck and drive back to the city or where ever she wanted to go, then so be it. If a mutha fucka wants 
to creep or do whatever they want to do, they are going to do it, and the only way to try and stop them is to make a big fool of yourself. Like if I wanted to stop her from getting in her truck without me, I would probably have had to burst out her window and get in the passenger side or fight my way in through the drivers side with her, which I was not at all willing to. 

My last true love was when I was 18. When I was 23/24 I made a fool of myself trying to stop someone from getting rid of me and I didn’t even really love the girl. I’m — now and if a bitch wants to truly leave, I am in no way trying to stop her. Watrina and I ended up coming home, and when we got here I wanted to go out to my car to listen to this brand new track I had finished. Watrina asked me where I was going. Now she hadn’t said two words to me in the last hour and a half, and her first words were, “where are you going?” I hesitated for a moment, but then I just said, “to the car.” If I was really going somewhere I wouldn’t have said shit. She just chose the wrong day to try and battle with me. As a matter of fact, it’s the wrong time period because I’m through with it. I ain’t studden nuttin that she is doing right now. So she ended up sleeping in her daughter’s room and later in the morning she got in the bed with me. She went to work the next morning and I went about my day. We spoke during the day, no problem. She was coming home to cook four pieces of fish for us, which wasn’t enough. She told me before we got off the phone that she would see me later. Later, I went out so she didn’t see me. Her daughter, her niece and my daughter were at her brother’s house in the Poconos. I got home that night around 2:30 A.M. She got home when day was starting to break, I guess like 5 A.M. or 6 A.M.

So Friday I go and get the kids from her brother’s house. When I get back she was home. She left about a 30 mins later and said she was going to pick up some money from someone. She didn’t return for about 3 or 4 hours. I really don’t agree with babysitting her neice and her daughter because like I’ve said to her a few times, “I didn’t sign up for this shit,” to be watching three little girls. I will watch her daughter when my daughter is there, but her niece, her daughter and my daughter, I don’t want to. I didn’t say anything though. She also left the sink full of dishes with bacteria in them along with a bag full of pork chop blood. So I assumed that she was going to leave all of that there for me to clean up. I wasn’t going to clean up shit, I would have left that shit there for eternity; well not that long because I plan leaving here Thursday when my daughter leaves for Ohio.

She woke up on Saturday morning cooking breakfast and was going to take my daughter with her fabric shopping, but I had already made up my mind that my daughter was staying with me and she could take her niece alone with her since her daughter Queen was going over her father’s for the weekend. Or she could drop her niece off with her mom and go and do whatever she wanted to do. My daughter and I got home around 9:30 P.M. and Watrina got home around 11 P.M. without her niece, whom she said was over to her mom’s house. She immediately got into the shower and went out. Now I’m not pissed at her for trying to start that bullshit argument with me on Wednesday about old shit. But she’s doing all this other little shit to try and do to me what she say I did to her; leave her at home with her daughter, go out and not tell her where I’m going or call her while I’m out. So she is trying to let me know how it feels I guess, and maybe she wants me to get upset about her not talking to me and her going out, and her leaving me with all the kids. I don’t give a fuck about all that shit and I ain’t saying shit to her.

I’ve made up my mind that there is too much negative energy in this relationship and it needs to end. She told me when she found my phone that I had to get out of her apartment. So maybe she is playing these games with me to make sure I leave, and she is going to get exactly what she wants. This bitch don’t know what love is. She think love is money: she gave e money to get my car fixed so she love me; she bought my daughter some clothes for the summer so she love me; I’m staying here rent free so she love me. Love is about patience, caring, compromise, trust and communication. All that money shit says is that she cares about me to give me a place to stay and to help me out of bad situations. All the other factors: trust, compromise and communication; she sucks at them. She’s all about revenge and games: if I go out, she goes out; if I don’t talk she won’t talk. But I’ve been patient with her since I met her, I’ve tried talking to her numerous times about numerous subjects and I ain’t talking no more. So she feels like she doesn’t have to communicate or try and fix things, just try to do little miscellaneous shit to piss me off. I ain’t getting pissed off at nothing she does. She could probably come with a nigga and fuck him, and while I would be disturbed, I probably wouldn’t say shit or rise up and get out of order.

I’m through with this relationship. She says I don’t want to be with her. I’ve did everything in my power to try and be with her. When she hurt my feeling and I stopped doing all of that, she never did anything to heal my feelings. It’s completely her turn to kiss my ass like I kissed hers, to communicate with me about things she sees wrong and try to suggest ways to correct them. Instead, she tries to do little stupid shit to piss me off, to say fuck me. Well, this is it. I’m leaving. I’ve compromised many times and have been patient enough with her. I said I wasn’t going anywhere. I really told myself that. I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit that another bitch I would have been left alone; I would not be here if I hadn’t told myself that she is the one, and I’m going to love her and keep her and work through all the bullshit. I’ve even had another woman the whole time I’ve been with her to help ease her bullshit. In fact, I’ve grown to love that other woman. Her love for me has outlasted Watrina’s bullshit. And even if I don’t end up with this other woman, I’m still through with this bullshit from Watrina.

She has the fire that I had when I left Ohio: she’s — making 60 grand a year, and her career will take her upward to making 250 grand a year. She has plans on starting her own clothing line as I planned on staring my own Hip Hop production company when I left Ohio. I was on top of the world; knew where I had been, where I was going, and what I was going to go and get out in this world. At –, I’m failing. Not to say that she is going to fail, but just that she is throwing away a good man in me, as I threw away my daughter’s mother because we would have never gotten along, just as Watrina and I will never get along unless she has a serious attitude adjustment and swallows some of her pride in 
dealing with me, as I made up my mind to do for her.

When two people can swallow there pride for one another and take off their cool, that is when they can communicate and make it in a long lasting relationship and take it to marriage. Watrina is not there in her life. She’s at the, “I’m hot shit, fuck the world, I don’t have to compromise for anyone, a nigga better recognize.” And just as I have come to realize, so will she, that attitude will never get you married or your relationship lasting more than 3 years, as ours is about to end after three years.

So my mother is sending me $168 to pay a parking ticket. I’m going to take that money, put my stuff in storage, and live/sleep in my car. I have two good part-time job prospects: Magic Johnson  Theatres and Michael K clothing store. My hopes are that I can stay here and work part time, live in my car and hopefully get a full time Accounting job and get me another apartment and start my life over in New York.

I told myself that I probably shouldn’t have moved in with this bitch because we weren’t getting along even then. But I thought that things would get better if we moved in, but they only got worse. I thought since we would see more of each other, we would trust each other more and everything would work out. I would give her no drama about where she’d been or where she was going as long as she didn’t need my car to get there and she didn’t leave me babysitting her daughter. As long as she came home in a decent time frame after the club closed, we would be cool. That’s all I ever asked or internally asked of her and myself, for us to come home before 5:30 or 6 A.M.

She never really trusted me. Every time I went out, I felt I had to sneak or that she investigated where I went if I told her where I was going, so eventually, I stopped telling her where I was going. I would just tell her when I got home and that is if she asked. And I took that stance because every time I asked her where she was going or where she had been, even if it was not to a club, but just out on a Saturday afternoon, she never gave me any detail; just said, “out, to do some things.” But even still, I trusted her and never bothered her about where she went, or when she got home at 11 P.M. and got off work at 6 P.M. I never demanded to know where she was and she never brought up where she went in general conversation in bed or at dinner. But at times she demanded to know where I went or where I was, and said I was trying to hide something if I didn’t tell her. Basically our communication has always been fucked up. She never knew how to communicate. I tried to communicate with her early on, but after I found that she was taking money from the bank account of a nigga whom she spent the night with in Vegas, my patience and communication fell apart, especially when she wasn’t communicating back to make things better.

We are over. She found my phone and said that she was hurt. So she hurt me and I hurt her. And maybe another reason for her trying to give me all these problems is because she wants to have other children. I don’t and I won’t and she knows that. We’ve been fucking without a rubber for three years and she hasn’t gotten pregnant. I got a trick for bitches trying to have babies by me. No one is having another baby by me unless we plan it and both agree, and that we are married first of all. More Power to Her! She seems to want me to go so I’m out of here! I always look forward to meeting a new and better bitch. I met one on Saturday, not necessarily better, well, a better ass shape and older, but definitely new; and new is always good. And of course I’m going to try and give a relationship a go with Carol Ann. She has a Master’s Degree in Psychology and will make a six figure salary also and she’s intelligent and her pussy is good and tight as opposed to Watrina’s wide and deep pussy. I’ve always liked Carol Ann’s sex better. Now with Watrina gone, I can see if I like really being with her, her attitude and her love that she says she has for me. And If I don’t end up with her, I’m cooling it on the relationship tip for a few years. I’ve been in and out of relationship for the last 10 years. I’m almost like J Lo, we’re Leos and I guess we like to be in relationships.  But this is it.

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