Jrnl Entry No. 6.25.2001

I received word and written notice that my performance at The Italian Job sucks and if my performance doesn’t improve, my employment will be terminated. Personally, I think they should have been fired me because my performance has been sucking. I have no desire, motivation, or interest in really working here. My only interest in working here is paying my bills.

I don’t know what’s going on in my life right now, but I feel like I am in a real slump. I know why but I don’t know what I can do about it. I want to be working at a record label or producing Hip Hop songs for people to listen to, or I want to be doing both. The music industry consist of friends, of friends, of friends. It’s a real coterie industry; from the artist to the executives in charge, they are all friends of friends. I don’t have any friends in the music industry; therefore, it will be hard for me to get a production deal or a job at a label. Sure I could hand out beat tapes till the end of time. Sure, I could send in resumes every three months. Both of which, at one time or another, I have done so, and I got nowhere. So I’ve concluded that resumes and tapes are not the answer.

I’m just breezing through life right now. I think sometimes about what I could be doing to get what I want, but I don’t think I am thinking hard enough. Maybe I’m in slow motion about this because even though I complain about my life, the most important of life’s necessities, I have: clothes, food, shelter, bills paid, car, daughter taken care of.

As far as the music goes, some may say it’s good I’m not desperate and doing it for money. That statement is half true. I want a Range Rover, a Benz E400 Class and a Lexus GS 400. I want a nice 4 or 5 bedroom home, not a mansion. I want a nice amount of money, enough to have to not worry about money. Music is how I think I’m gonna get there, but then again, I don’t have the answers to none of this shit. It is all a toss-up, and where will you land, who the fuck knows. I’m just gonna live the bullshit life until further notice; fuck it.

I make nice beats I know. I also make some bullshit that I don’t like so I ain’t just being eccentric where I think all my shit is the best a mutha fucka could hear. Hell, ain’t nobody got the best shit that one man could ever hear. After one hot song, there is gonna be another one to follow, and another after that, all by three different productions teams.

I said to myself that I’ll probably just one day give up the dream of getting on in the music industry and just do the shit for my own pleasure. People say don’t give up, keep trying and trying. I don’t know, it just seems like a lot of closed doors out here in the world, and I ain’t the nigga to just keep knockin’ and knockin’ and not getting’ no answer. Like I’ve ended other letters, Fuck it. I’ma live. I need to stop complaining about this shit because I’m tired of complaining also. Just realize that I’m trying as much as I can. Life is fucked up and even when you try sometimes you still come up with nothing. So in essence, life ain’t what you make it because I’m trying to make my life what I want, but it seems I ain’t makin’ shit!

WAS THERE A TIME YOU REALIZED ALL THE ACTIVITY YOU’RE ENGAGED IN TO MAKE YOUR DREAM COME TRUE, WAS ACTUALLY NOT MAKING YOUR DREAM COME TRUE?

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