Jrnl Entry No. 8.7.2001

I feel like shit for a couple of reasons. I can’t seem to make tracks, or at least I don’t think I’m making tracks that niggaz would want these days. If I was making these tracks for people back in 1991-1996, I’d be all good. I tried putting together this track using these horn riffs from this Jazz CD yesterday and I couldn’t get it to come together, and even if I did get it to come together, no one rhymes to shit like that anymore anyway.

I can’t stop thinking about Sausha for some reason. I wish I could be with her right now and I am longing to see her and make love to her. She was so sweet to me. She may be a big hoe, fucking every nigga in Warren she can get her hands on and I wouldn’t know it because I’m in New York. But as far as I know, she was the sweetest simple, and sexy girlfriend I’ve ever had. I need a woman in my life and she would be the perfect one I think. I keep having these little thoughts in my head, “—-, fuck this Hip Hop Music production shit and move back to Ohio and be with Sausha. Maybe move to Akron or Cleveland and we could be together and live happily ever after.” But what and the hell would I do in Ohio? What and the hell am I doing here in New York? I’m just torn on a few issues.

While I like Watrina, she is young and has other things on her mind besides being with me. I assume she is how all New York women are, busy running around doing whatever, whether that whatever is messing with other guys or taking care of life’s business, there is only little time for sex and relationships. Like last night, she was getting home at 10 P.M. Now where she was coming from, I didn’t give much thought to it, and I didn’t ask her neither. I picked her up from the train station because I wanted to see what her weave in her hair looked like. I didn’t like it at all except for the front part where she had her natural hair braided. The back was filled with garbage Shirley Temple curls that don’t look or feel like hair.

The other thing that is bothering me is my job. I need more money that is one thing and I know I am not gonna get it here. If I go and work for any old company just for more money, it’s gonna be the same cycle as with Circle K, as with The Italian Job; 2 years then boredom and ready to find a new job and I don’t want to go through this again. I want to work somewhere that I’m excited about working, will stay there and excel in my profession. The other thing is that I just want to be settled; have a good woman making nice money so we can buy us a house. I want to do something also besides work for someone, but what besides produce music, I don’t know? So maybe my wife will have an idea and be ambitious enough to follow through and make it happen. Watrina has ideas but she is far from my wife, wanting to be my wife or even becoming my wife.

That is basically why I am feeling shitty. I just turned – and what do I got to be happy about? I should be happy that I am a college graduate. I am happy that I have reliable transportation. I am happy that I am able to take care of myself: cook, clean, dress myself. I am happy that I have a beautiful daughter and she knows me and loves me and talks to me on the phone. I am not happy that I have no money. I am not happy that I can’t drive my car into the city on the weekends because you can’t park nowhere. Who has money to park in a parking garage and pay $5 to $8 an hour to park your car, or park at a two hour meter which there are never any open spaces? And if you do find a space at a mater, two hours is not enough time to do anything; or less than that, most meters are for one hour.

I spent like three hours in the Barnes & Nobles book store Sunday reading Richard Wright “Native Son” I found a free spot to park just as I was about to start heading home. Native Son is a good book, sort of what I’m goin’ through right now, a dilemma between what I want to do and what will the white man let me do? Only difference is I am actually doing a little with my life working as a dead end accountant instead of hanging on the streets with my friends doing nothing. I am not happy that I seem to be in the land of opportunity for everything that I like to do, but yet no one seems to want to help me take advantage of those opportunities. I am not happy that I do not have a steady woman in my life who is aching with ambition to start something like I am and we can start it together. I am not happy that I am reaping what I sewed with Lauren from Watrina. Lauren loved me so just like I have thoughts that I love Watrina. I went out with my friends on the weekends. I split up my time with her because I was also fucking Rebecca at the same time. Watrina is doing the same thing right now. She likes me, but she’s probably fucking with someone else and could give a fuck less if I am in the picture or not. She probably has a dick that is equally as good to her as mine, just like I had Rebecca in my case of losing Lauren who gave me equally good sex. I am not happy that the woman I think I love is in Ohio. I am not happy that I was going through this same feeling about Lauren last year around this time exactly; talking about marrying her and shit. So maybe this is just a side effect of what I am thinking about Sausha that I will go through every year during the summers until I get married for real. So maybe I love Sausha but I really don’t want to be with her at all. Maybe I’m just feeling really lonely right now. I guess I am bored and maybe these thoughts are a result of my boredom. Maybe I’m money broke and these thoughts are a result of my brokenness. Is money the answer to my problems? Is a woman or wife the answer to my problems?

WHAT HAVE BEEN SOME OF YOUR THOUGHTS IN ALONE AND LONELY TIMES?

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