Jrnl Entry No. 7.5.2001

DAMN! You wasn’t supposed to break up whatever we got goin. I’m letting you know how I feel about the phone. Last night was the last straw witt you and this phone. Now if you think I’m so wrong and you are so right, then I guess we gots to chill out and you don’t have to worry about me and how I feel about your phone. My phone doesn’t ring period when you are over my house partly because no one has the number, and secondly I wouldn’t let it ring while you are over there because that is our time, not my boys, not my moms, not another woman or women. And you be holdin’ mini-conversations before you say, “you’ll have to call me back.” That tells me that you give a fuck about whoever, not to tell them that you are with company and can’t talk right now. The one time the phone did ring when you were at my house ,I told the chick I had company because I didn’t and don’t give a fuck about her and what she thinks of me having company.

You say niggaz ain’t shhit. They ain’t shit only because bitches let them not be shit by not tellin’ them about themselves and how they feel about it. If I never say anything seriously about you and that phone, you’ll keep on just like you been and are doing. I’m letting you know your phone and you conversating on I when you are with me is bullshit and I ain’t havin’ it, and obviously you ain’t havin that. It’s whatever too.

As long as you say we are just friends, no, I don’t know what you are doing and I don’t want to know, but don’t expect me to think that you are doing nothing. I’d be a sucka. If you ain’t totally mine that means that part of you is somebody else’s. While I do care about you also, I ain’t oblivious to the possibility of what you could be doin’, and I’ll say it out loud because you ain’t my lady as you make so vividly clear a point every time I see you. Well, you ain’t my lady vividly. I’ll tell you vividly that you make could be doin whatever when you ain’t witt me even though 95% of me thinks that you are not.

You are takin’ the car thing a little too seriously. I let you use my car last weekend. I don’t blame you for it breaking down. That is all jokes. The ridin’ niggaz around in it was said in response to anger about you talkin’ on the phone in my kitchen. And you say you did that because I act like I don’t care or it’s whatever. You say that like you want me to sweat you about who you talk to and who you witt when you ain’t witt me. I’ve been there, done that. I don’t care who you talk to, but you ain’t gonna be talkin’ to them on the phone while you witt me. Even if you was my lady, it would still be the same because bottom line, if you want to fuck someone, you gonna do it and ain’t shit I can do about it. Now if it’s obvious that you are givin all your attention to someone else, then yes I’ll say something. I don’t think that you are giving too much of your attention to someone else, but I also don’t think you are giving me all of your attention. And as long as you keep me feelin that way, I’m gonna say things out loud that you could be doin.

I ain’t got a big problem with nothing except the phone calls. The other stuff like you maybe riding your friend around; yeah, it’s a slim thought, but if it was a big thought and I actually thought you would really do something like that, I wouldn’t even be fuckin’ witt you. And maybe I would because part of me doesn’t care. I ain’t got time to be sweatin’ no young lady about what she’s doing when she ain’t doing it witt me.  

And as far as the car goes, it goes a little deeper than me not just trustin’ you. It’s not just a car. I’m payin $18,000 $342 a month for that brand new car. My, let me repeat that, MY brand new car, not my moms, dad’s, uncles etc. I want to keep my car. Even though you probably wouldn’t, there is a chance that if you fucked it up, you could say fuck me and leave me stuck witt the bill. I used to be mad at my uncles and aunts when they wouldn’t let me drive their cars to Atlanta for Freak-Nik, or to DC for Howards Homecoming, but now that I got my own I understand. Yeah, it’s just a car and I’d live without it, but I’d rather not. Your brother asked me could he drive my car to his house one time and I said no. You’ll understand when you get a car, especially while you are paying for it, and especially if it has 0-80 miles on the odometer when you drive it from the dealer to your house.

Now I think you know that I would love for you to be my lady, but you don’t want to be. You somehow think that would be some big task that you can’t handle right now. I ain’t sweatin’ you to be my lady, I’m just letting you know. You care about me. I Love You Too! So whenever you decide that you want to stop bein’a punk witt a heart, I’ll be here for you to give it to me. If you never give it to me, oh well. I guess in time our little relationship will fade. But lady or no lady you ain’t gonna be talkin’ on that phone to other guys who want to fuck you while you are chillin witt me.

Jrnl Entry No. 5.8.2000

It’s  Monday morning. The weekend was summery and hot. I cooled out in the Village Saturday on the strip of 8th S b/w 5th and 6th ave. It was mad bitches out there I tell you. Women, women, women were out looking sexy, and guys were out there harassing them.

After about an hour and a half of looking, I decided to try and holla at a couple of young ladies whom I felt were attractive. The first girl I said something to, she was a school girl, I could tell from the way she was reacting when I said something to her. I talking in my usual polite tone, and she and her friend were liking running away from me like I was a wild animal. I was walking with them for a little, and then her friend said “we are just tryin’ to get home.” From that statement right there, I knew they were like 19 to 21 years of age, not what I’m tryin’ to be bothered with.

The next girl was a browned skinned honey, short, with a nice ass, low haircut. I said something to her and she had a stern face on. I tried to loosen her up a little. I asked her was she in the market to meet any new friends. She said that she was involved with someone, the old cop out line to get a guy out of your face. I said to her “that’s what you all say” and I turned around to go back and chill on the wall.

I had been out there about two hours at this point, and decided that it was time to go home. On my way to my car, I stopped at Barnes and Noble bookstore on the corner of 6th Ave and 8th St, and there was this honey there that I had seen earlier that caught my eye. When I came back out of the bookstore, she was still there with her friends. I stood there for a minute to contemplate whether or not I should talk to her. I decided not to.

As I was standing there, a man passed by. We were about the same height, and our eyes met, so I said hello, and he did the same. He strolled down the street. He looked like a nice gentleman in his early fifties. I caught up to him and asked him was he from New York. He said yes that he had been living there all his life. I asked him had he seen Coming To America. He said that he had. So then I says, “I’m going to ask you the same question Eddie Murphy asked the barber.” “What do you have to do to find a nice woman in the town?” So he starts kicking some science, and I was listening to him. He said that he was cooling out for the day walking up and down the block. His name was Mustaffa. We turned around and headed back down to 8th St, and he was telling me that you have to let off a positive energy, and get that eye contact. Once you get the eye contact, you roll with it from there. We stopped down by the bookstore, and stood on that corner and talked and watched the ladies go by. Since I was standing there, and I spoke to her when we passed by, I decided that I should talk to the girl whom I decided not to talk to 15 minutes earlier.

I called her over to me because she was in between her two friends. She had somewhat of an attitude but not too heavy. She said she was 21, lived in Jersey, just had a son, was going back to school, and wasn’t looking for a man because most men out are about bullshit, so she keeps friends. She had been waiting on the corner there for a friend, she said. I gave her the run down to let her know that I was not bullshit. “I’m 26; I graduated college; I have a job; I have my own apartment; I have my own car.” We talked for a moment, and I told her it was nice meeting, and she went and stood back between her friends. I probably could have gotten her number, but I didn’t bother asking for it. Funny how every time I run into a Jersey chick in New York, we click a little, and I can get the number. For one, calling Jersey is long distance; for two, I’m not tryin’ to talk to no 21 year old still in college. I was telling Mustaffa that I’m out of college and I ain’t trying to go back to school. I am past that. He agreed with me on that one. Mustaffa and I stood there for about 45 min talking about different women who passed by, and he was giving me pointers on how to get with, and the mentality of most women in New York. He told me of an after work spot for Friday nights that he hangs out at. I got his cell phone number, and he went about his way.

I decided to take another stroll down 8th Street. After about 30 mins I spotted this young lady I liked. I stood and checked her out as she was talking with her friends. She started to proceed down the block, and I followed her, waiting to make my move to talk to her. I passed her and her friends up a little. A guy said something to her as he was walking by. She laughed and kept goin; there was my opportunity to get at her and I did. I turned around as the guy was saying something to her. I said “how are you doing?” She said “didn’t I see you back there on the corner?” She noticed me, which was a good sign I guess. She was 23, lives in the Bronx. She seemed nice and intelligent, but you never know. I was telling her that I was from out of town, and asking her what do you have to do to talk to a girl around this town. She said she didn’t know. New York girls just talk like they have an attitude, and don’t trust to give out their home number, and so on and so forth; that’s just the way it is here. She gave me her pager number, and I gave her my home number. I’ll probably call her tonight. I walked in the other directions back towards 6th Ave.

As I was walking I noticed Busta Rhymes sitting down talking on a cell phone. I reached out my arm to give him a pound, but he ignored it. His friend or bodyguard said “he’s on the phone right now man.” You know, as if I couldn’t see that. I just kept on walking. I had a tape of my beats in my pocket, so I turned around and asked this dude could I speak with him after he gets off the phone. He brushes me off with some bullshit like “if it’s for business, business hours are… it’s the weekend.” I said oh well, and kept it movin’ down the street. I stood in this one spot for about 20 mins, and then I made my way home across the Queens Bridge. I just chilled at home all night. Ricardo called and said that he and Kenneth were goin’ to go out tonight, and bullshit like they usually do. I wasn’t in the mood to be riding them around all night talkin’ to hoes who don’t want to talk. They called about three times asking me was I coming out, and I told them no each time.

I had talked to Lauren earlier that day, and we discussed her coming to New York, and she said she wasn’t coming, and our talks about marriage were over because I ignored her on the phone last weekend when Rolonda was at my house from Florida. I met Rolonda while in Florida with my cousin Romeo for the Black College Reunion Spring Break. She was in town for the weekend, and we had been talking for about a month because I knew she was coming to town. She was there at my house, and we were having safe sex, which I couldn’t feel, so it was a so so weekend of putting on multiple condoms, stopping because I couldn’t feel shit to come. I finally busted a nut with the condom on Sunday afternoon on our last try before I had to drop her off over her aunt’s house in St Albans Queens.

I couldn’t talk to Lauren while Rolonda was right in my kitchen cooking me dinner. And besides I had talked to Lauren earlier that day while Rolonda was gone visiting her friends. Lauren said I hurt her feelings by not talking to her. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. It was all bullshit though. She never planned on marrying me and moving to New York. She was just getting revenge from when I told her I wanted to marry her last year, and changed my mind because she was dogging me for her new/old boyfriend Jamelle. She never planned on getting back with me seriously since she had suspicion of me fucking Rebecca while I was with her. And plus the fact that I told her when we first started talking that we would probably never be able to be together because she had three kidz.

I am only in lust with Lauren anyway, and I probably would have married her out of that lust. I wonder how long it would have lasted; probably a long time with the advent of Viagra. I decided to mail her some journal I wrote telling her the real story of my relationship with her, my cheating, my lust, etc for her. It was never real love. I’ve always known that. She probably has too, which is the reason why we could never really get along. I think of her often though, she makes my dick the hardest, but love is not there like that. So I’ll let her go once and for all. I’m too old to be playing games with her. I’ll see what’s on Coubie’s mind, the 23 year old I met in the village. She has the look of a nice girl I could grow to love. But finding love is a long shot I know.

A relationship with my daughter doesn’t seem possible with the forces of her mom working against me. I’ve decided to tell her that she can have her daughter, without my love and support. I shouldn’t have to fight to love and care for my own child. I’ll go to jail before I support a child whom I can’t see like I wish. And that just may be where I end up because Victoria is not gonna work with me. I hear she is pregnant again, making her way up to that “3 kidz status” like her two sisters and Sausha, whom she talked about so bad when she heard I was dating her. If she is pregnant, that is two baby daddies. At least Sausha only has one. Victoria your ignorance, and evil, and hatred are getting you nowhere in life. And you used to talk about me not believing in god. I’m doin a hell of lot better not believing in him, than you are believing in him.

Jrnl Entry No. 3.6.2000

Well I talked to Lauren over the weekend, and she said that she was giving consideration to moving here with me. I guess I would like to see if it could be like it was when I fell in Love with her. She was so sweet to me; we went places and did things. She’s going Wednesday to VA to go see about her uncle so she says, and to look into an apartment. I have a feeling that she is not going to come here with me. She told me that her kidz say they don’t want to move here. They want to move to VA. I told her like I told Sausha: kids will adjust.

I didn’t do much this weekend. Friday I was with Kathy after work, and went to some free jazz shit at the Modern Museum of Art which was pretty cool. We went back to her apartment after that. One of her roommates was having a party. She didn’t want to attend, but I told her that since we were there, we may as well go out there to have a couple of drinks and chat for a while. She wanted to go back to her room so we did after about twenty minutes of sitting out there listening to talk about Law School at Columbia and NYU.

We went back to her room and watched T.V. I noticed she doesn’t have a pleasant looking ass, and that she doesn’t wear thongs, which was kind of turning me off a little. Her ass would probably look nice if she let it loose from those little girl panties that she wears. I like her lips though. But ultimately, she is wack and I can’t have her. I sat in her room until 2 A.M. We got to kissing before I left. I was going to go after the ass, but she was grabbing my hand when I put it up her shirt talking about she was ticklish. So I stopped and got ready to go home.

Saturday I stayed in the house all day until six when I went to The Garden State Plaza Mall in Jersey to go and get some batteries for my watches. The one Romeo bought me for graduation, I dropped it at a Biggie Smalls concert, and it hasn’t worked since. I never took the time to get a battery for it or go and get it checked out. I thought something else was wrong with it since I had dropped it, but turns out it just needed a battery. I bought another watch after that one broke, a Kenneth Cole Watch. So now I have two watches; a Seiko and a Kenneth Cole. Both are pretty nice watches, but the ultimate watch that I want to get around my wrist is a Mavado. Everyone, especially rappers go crazy over Rolex with diamonds in it. Rolex aren’t anything special but a name and a price, but Mavado has a unique look to it like it should cost what you pay for it.

Sunday I didn’t do anything but go to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I cooked at around 7 P.M., a boneless rib piece, some potatoes, and corn. I ate and started watching Surviving The game with Ice Tee  and Charles S. Dutton. I called Lauren for a second time around 12 A.M. I gets lonely in that apartment, and need someone there or someone to talk to. I guess that is why I have been trying to get someone to move in with me.

I haven’t had any luck with New York girls and starting relations with them so I gots to resort back to home. I would love to have Lauren around with her little sexy self. But if she doesn’t move with me them I guess I will just chill and wait to find a girl in N.Y. I’m not gonna get back with Sausha because that is not what I really want. She is lacking in a lot of areas as far as I am concerned. She seems strong and ready to move on with her life, so I’ll let her.

I started a melody to a song on Saturday with the guitar instrument off one of my disk. It’s gonna be like a slow beat, kind of funky. I think I should just follow my heart when it comes to creating songs, and stop being concerned with what is playing on the radio, and what the hottest rappers like DMX and Jay Z are blowing up with. If what’s in my heart doesn’t get me to where I want to be in Hip Hop, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. If I don’t get any production deals or if I don’t find a job that I’m interested in paying me well, I’ll probably move from New York. This place ain’t worth the head ache. I’ll probably move to Atlanta and live a simple life; that is probably when my production career will kick off if it doesn’t kick off in New York. I’ll probably always keep the dream alive of being a producer. I’m gonna go home today and finish that song I started or get most of it done.

I probably won’t call Lauren today since she says I am calling more than I have ever called. I wonder does she know what she was doing when she let me take those pictures. Maybe she did or maybe she didn’t, but whatever the case, I have them in my bathroom mirror, and I look at them and just think how nice it would be to have her by my side the way we used to be. I think I will give that advice out to women. If you want to keep yourself on a man’s mind, let him take some sexy pictures of you in thongs and what not. He will never forget you. Well he could forget you if he has a woman walking around the house on a regular in thongs providing him with good sex like how I had Rebecca; I had forgotten all about Lauren. It wasn’t until I was single again that I thought about Lauren again. But I thought I was over Lauren completely, but as you see I am not, and I guess I never will be, and with the pictures, I will probably never ever forget about her.

My dad is over 50 years old, and told me a story about a woman he used to date that he lost touch with when he moved to Florida from Warren. He says he still has thoughts about that woman. I will probably be like that about Lauren if she doesn’t come to stay with me. Sure I will move on, but in the back of mind will always be Lauren. I hope I don’t have to live like that. Most people do, and as fate will have it, I probably will too.

Jrnl Entry No. 3.3.2000

Well I spoke with Lauren last night about us getting together. She said that everything was fine just the way it is. She wanted to be with me but I am in N.Y. and she is moving to Virginia. She basically said that she doesn’t want to move here. I am not moving to Richmond, Virginia. Shit for all that I may as well have not left Warren, Ohio. So I guess that is the end of that thought. I won’t ask her again; I may not even talk to her anymore; just stay away from he and get her out of my system.

Sausha wrote me a letter talking about stay away from her until I’m sure about her coming to live with me and us being together. So I’ll stay away from her too. I really don’t want to be with her. She has a lot of growing to do, and I can’t wait on her to grow. I’m grown and know what I want.

So here I am once again hoeless. I’m not going to fuck Rebecca’s fat ass anymore neither. When I go home, my time will be completely dedicated to my daughter. I called her mom last night and she said that she was going out of town this week, which is probably a lie, but fuck her, I ain’t stressin’ her no more about seeing my daughter. She wants to keep me away from my daughter so be it. So I guess it will be just me and Kathy until I find someone else who better suits my taste.

Fuck the thought of getting with Rhonda. I just have to realize that I moved and I left that town behind. I can’t expect to build a relationship from 400 miles away. I also need to realize that besides good pussy and good looks that Lauren, Rhonda, nor Sausha have anything to offer me. They don’t have degrees or careers. Well Lauren does have a history with bookkeeping now, and that could turn into a nice salary later on, which is why she is the number one prospect of the bunch. But Lauren doesn’t want to be with me, which is no big deal. LAUREN! You think you are punishing me; secretly getting revenge or whatever, No you are not! What you are actually doing is giving me the opportunity to find someone better than you because you are in no way the top cream of the crop. I am just used to you and like you a lot because I know you. But when it really comes down to it you are the one, and you are not the one; there is a balance. You are giving me the chance to really find the one totally; career, good looks, good sex, and less or no kidz to take care of. I would like to be with you, but if not, HEY! You know me, I’ll maintain and stay up.

Kathy is cool, a law student, kind of intelligent, but her Hip Hop knowledge is limited which I don’t like. She didn’t know who Redman and Keith Murry was when they showed their faces in the movie “Ride.” She is also very skinny too. She probably doesn’t wear thong underwear. I ain’t got time to be telling another woman about wearing thongs or complaining about her underwear. If she is not a freak, it is not gonna get far. She is the most promising girl I’ve ever talked to. A lawyer salary won’t be bad together with mine in the future. We could have some things. She seems to like me. I guess that is how it goes; the people who like you, you don’t like; the people you like, don’t like you.

I think the reason why I was thinking about Lauren so tough anyway was because of those pictures. I put them in my bathroom mirror. I would love to have that ass walking around in my house permanently but it looks like that is not gonna take place. I think I will keep them there though to remind me of the type of ass that I want. I find myself talking to women like Kathy that I don’t necessarily like. I just be horny and talk to the first woman I can who doesn’t look bad and who is not fat.

I need to get this under control. From this point on I’m not gonna talk to any woman unless I really like most things about her at first sight. I’ve been going crazy here in N.Y. trying to talk to women. I am not gonna stress it anymore. I’ve been going out to bars and to malls trying to meet women. I met a few but they never called me. I called them and they were never home. So fuck trying to meet women here. If I meet one I do; if I don’t I don’t.

Lauren just called me at work and told me that she told her manager she wanted to transfer to VA. I asked her one more time would she come here, and she said her kidz are too little. See bitches always got an excuse for when a nigga is really serious with they asses. She has been stressing me for years to be with her. She actually talked about moving to N.Y. when we were together in our happy days. Now when it is possible, and everything could come together, she has an excuse. That is why women can’t be president because when they think they are so independent, they are still actually not able to go completely on their own with no support system and live for themselves, by themselves. Lauren just said that when she gets married she doesn’t want to be near her family. She has family in VA. Here in N.Y. we would be by ourselves with no family for 6 hours and 400 miles away. Yet, she has an excuse of why she doesn’t want to come here. Look at me, I guess I really think I want her in my life. Maybe I do at this point. She would probably make me happiest, but fuck it.

I’m gonna chill with Kathy this weekend, or maybe go out with the girl I met outside Justin’s on Tuesday night. She called me last night because I paged her and said that she would call me today at work or leave a message at my home. I ain’t going out to no clubs. I ‘ll have to figure out another way to meet women. I guess you can’t meet girls at a club, or at least I haven’t been so successful with it. I guess my car isn’t big enough.

HAVE YOU IN YOUR LIFE HAD TROUBLE MEETING MEN/WOMEN, TALKING AND GOING ON DATES?

Jrnl Entry No. 2.22.2000

I went over to Elaine’s house last night to pick up some grease that she makes. I got over there and sat for a while. She is ugly man. I had been figured this out when I first met her for an outing at the LaBar Bat. After that outing, we really didn’t talk anymore. She does have some nice tidies though, but she doesn’t look clean. She has this dirty look about her. I really can’t see myself reaching over and kissing her.

Well my car has gotten its second official nasty scratch, and it is on the hood. A truck must have backed into my car and its bumper got my hood. I had a little luck getting some phone numbers on Saturday night but so far they have not been anything but the same ole bullshit. The one girl who is a school teacher, we sat in the club in the booth and talked with her and her friend all night, she hasn’t been home the two times I called her. I left my name and number on her answering machine but she hasn’t called back. Another girl who does accounts payable work and has two kidz, she actually called me Sunday to my surprise. I called her Monday, and we established that I was going to visit her. When she told me to call back, she had left and I waited a little while for her to call me back but she never did so I went to Elaine’s house.

So the women here are still bullshit. Nothing is happening for me here in this city. All I see is a bunch of ass, most of it Rican and white which I know I can’t have, and when I go and meet black women, they don’t respond to me. I really got no place else to go though, but I’m about fed up with this shit. But fuck it though, things will get better somehow.  

I’m going to some shit tonight that Elaine was telling me about. I guess it’s an after work spot, free from six until. From there I’m going to go over by Justin’s for some industry networking party that Elaine was telling me about. Hopefully, I’ll meet someone to talk for real about my music at Justin’s. I probably won’t be able to get in or some shit, or it will cost too much. I’m gonna go though to see how it goes down. I hope I run into Puffy so that maybe I can get an accounting job with him, and maybe that would make my life happier for the moment.

And I don’t know why but when Thursday night comes around, I get happy. I’m free for the weekend to do what I wanna. So maybe like in that stupid movie “Office Space”, each day at work is like the worst day of my life. When the weekend approaches, I get happy because I don’t have to go to work for two days. Friday is like a day I just wait for work to end so it’s really not a bad day at work. I don’t even take a nap at lunchtime on Friday.

I heard a couple of beats that Elaine’s cousin did for someone, and the one was kind of wack. He has the same beat machine as I do. Ensoniq ASR 10. This leads me to think that maybe I have what it takes to become a producer in this town because the amateurs are really amateurs. Lark has some good shit and some bad shit coming out of his MPC 2000. Kenneth and them were telling me about a guy they met who has an ASR 10 and they said his shit didn’t sound all that. He was telling them that the ASR 10 was a limited machine. No its not, and in fact it’s probably one of the most complete beat machines that are out there. I can do everything but put different effects on the eight different tracks that are available on board. I program a sequence to do whatever I want it to: stop on a certain beat, take out an instrument, etc. Maybe he hasn’t put the extra money in his to purchase extra memory like I did. Without the extra memory, yes you are very limited. You can only use a certain number of tracks before all of the memory is used up, and you can only program a certain number of sequences. Maybe I ought to keep that as my secret to give me an edge in the game; unless someone asks because they’ve read and know about it, don’t tell em’. Sometimes you got to keep shit to yourself to have that competitive edge you know.

I think that Lauren will be my forever lover, and one day we will get married probably when her kidz are grown and we are like in our 40s. I have been thinking about that ass lately and I want some. I tried calling her last night but she didn’t pick up the phone. My dick instantly gets hard when I see that little big ass of hers switching around. She turns me on like that. But I don’t know if right now I can get over how she was treating me because she had her man Jamelle. She was dogging me to the fullest. One moment she’d be nice and let me fuck a couple of times. The next moment she’d have some attitude and we’d argue and I’d end up leaving her house. We had great times together though.

 She came to my house to see me in N.Y. about a month after Sausha and I broke up, and it didn’t feel all that good to have her there. She was trying to get me to fuck her all night and day like I used to but I just wasn’t feeling it like that. She was there from Friday night to Monday morning, and we had sex Friday night and Saturday morning; Saturday night and I think Sunday morning but I’m not sure. She was getting on my nerves. Sunday night she put on some little lingerie thing and I didn’t even make an attempt to fuck. But I’m thinking about her now though.

I am just not motivated to work. I take too long to do my task. It takes me two to three days to review the accounts of three yards, and Dawn just told me that she reviews six or seven in I don’t know how long. And maybe I’ll always be this way or maybe not. Maybe something is just missing in my life and my work life. And NO it is not god.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.26.2000

O.K. So I went to warren. I said that I would not bother Sausha because it would lead her on. I couldn’t resist though. I wanted to see her. I do still care for her, but at this point and time in my life, she is like a burden to be in a relationship with. Maybe we’ll just be close friends. I didn’t care if we made love or not, but you know once you get there and you’re alone, why not try.

So I got there Friday and went to her house. We sat on the couch and talked and I could tell she was trying to stay as distant away from me as she possibly could. I stayed away for a little while also. After about two hours I started trying to touch her. She resisted and she kept on resisting, and it seemed like she was getting mad so I stopped at about 4 A.M. and went home.

I’m not confused about what I want. The problem is that what I want is like in four different girls: Sausha has the niceness that I like and good smooth runnin attitude. Lauren has the nice round ass and good pussy that I want. Rhonda has the beauty and style that I want. Rebecca has the freakiness that I want.

I was supposed to go and see Sausha on Saturday but she wasn’t home or wasn’t answering her phone. I called and went over there Sunday. I was at it again tryin’ to make love to her, but she was still resisting me. After about two hours I put my head in between her legs while she still had her jeans on. She was still resisting but not as hard as before. After about 15 mins of her resisting I got her pants down enough to just run my tongue across her clitoris. She was getting into it, but still tried resisting a little. She gave in and let me take her pants off.

I was eating that sweet pussy so nicely. I hadn’t eaten pussy in about three months. I stopped eating and gave her the dick. She was loving it and loving me so much that she started crying and she told me to stop. I stopped. I started kissing on her breast and her body after a couple of minutes, and then I went down for some more dinner. I ate until she burst into a shaking coming frenzy. I gave her the dick again, and she was totally into it by then and we made love. It felt so good to me.

I started realizing how much I miss her and love her. Yes I love her but I can’t take care of her and her three kidz even with her on the help out, especially in New York. I can’t live in Ohio again for no reason except maybe to look after my mom if she gets deadly ill. I don’t know, maybe I’ll keep a distant relationship with her until she gets her life together when she can really help the relationship without all the worry about her life situation; that could take five years.

I’ve been searching for a woman in New York, but haven’t had any luck on finding a real woman to talk to. Latonia seems like a real woman but I don’t know yet. I’m broke, I don’t have a woman, I can’t go anywhere and do nothing. I go home from work, sit there and nod off to sleep or watch T.V. I haven’t been inspired in the last two weeks to do a track. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but spending money. My dreams are far from materializing.

I need some advice about what to do about Sausha. I need some advice about my passion to become a producer. I don’t see anywhere in the near future a big raise in pay to help me out the situation I’m in now. I have a $5,800 credit card bill which will never get paid off. When I pay my car off, I can start paying off the credit card bill, and then I can start saving up for a house. Hopefully by that time I’ll have a real woman who can help me with all this shit because alone I’m fucked. I’m not making it so well out here, I’m just driving myself deeper and deeper into debt.

My music is the only thing that will help me, and that ain’t promised. I guess I’m gonna be fucked for life. I want to get my balls clipped with my income tax money. I need to pay the crew back for studio expense with my income tax money. I need to pay some money on my credit card bill with my income tax money. My income tax money is not gonna stretch and do all of that. Hell, I may have to end up paying taxes. Taxes are a bitch, just take all your money. It’s a god damn shame.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.21.2000

Today in New York was the first snow fall of the winter. I guess I better buy me a shovel soon because the snow plows around here come and just pile snow right up against your car parked on the street and leave your car stuck if you don’t have a shovel to dig yourself out.

I have stopped worrying about my bills so much and money that I don’t have. If need be, I’ll just get one month behind on my rent, which will probably be cool since the landlord already has the last months rent anyway.

I’m starting to get lonely in my apartment all alone with no one to talk to on the phone even to tell myself “I should be fuckin by this date.” I’ve met like about six girls and we exchanged numbers and what not but no one has called. Me and the one girl from the Bronx were talking pretty fine then all of a  sudden she stopped talking to me, putting me off when I’d call her. This one girl named Nicole or Francine called me one time and we talked for like two hours, but I haven’t heard from her since. I called the number she gave me and asked for Nicole, someone said that no Nicole lived there. I’ve been calling and asking for Francine and Francine is never there according to whoever picks up the phone. I met this dance instructor, choreographer, etc and she seemed pretty cool. I seen her dance at the Kit Kat Club  for the crowd by the DJ both , and I was turned on by it. I have paged her twice and she has not called me back. Maybe she is busy.

I don’t have time to be chasing hoes all over town and trying to spend whatever little time they have to spare to spend with me. If a bitch doesn’t have time to spend quality time with me then fuck her. Like with Melonie, she didn’t want to spend time alone with me and she just stopped calling me so fuck her. I ain’t doin’ nuttin wrong so I don’t know what  I’m gonna do about my pussy situation. The only pussy I can get is in Ohio and maybe some in Syracuse, but fuck that shit. That is one of the reasons why I moved up here so I wouldn’t have to travel an hour or two for some pussy.

I guess it’s just meant to be that way for now. I guess bitches will come when they will come. But they better not wait too late to come because if they come when I got something like a Benz or some money in my pocket from music. I will just nut in their mouth and send them walking out of my house to catch the train or cab. I mean if hoes won’t be nice and be with me while I’m just a regular good looking guy, then why should I be nice to them when they talkin’ to me just because I look good in a Benz.

I can’t believe these pussy ass people in New York. A little snow fall which will probably only accumulate about four inches at the most, and they let us go home from work early. I mean all that up on your ass blowin’ the horn and shit in the summer time; let a little snow fall and the people are wimping up like a bunch of little bitches who just got slapped in the mouth. Today is the next day.

Last night I got a call from two young ladies that I gave my number to. I paged Latonia and she called me back. That was like my third time paging her. I wasn’t gonna call her anymore after last night. I found out from our little conversation we had that she is a Knick dancer. That is pretty cool I told her, and I told her that I liked her dancing at the club. She said it would be possible for us to meet again. She was sleepy and was about to take a nap in the dance studio where she was about to have rehearsal. She told me to call her at work today. Now Burton was like play games and don’t call her anymore until she calls me, but I’m not playin’ those games. If a hoe can’t see that I’m comin’ with the real deal holyfield, then fuck em’ they can step. That’s the game I play, “act right or act the part by yourself.” Francine also called me after I had been calling her for like three days. She’s cool and I think I may be able to work with her. I may end up liking her the most. She has that dark skin tone that I like.

Kenneth came over last night to get my key for my apartment. I guess he and his girl are going to chill there for the weekend. Now I met Kenneth and Ricardo outside of the Kit Kat Club one night when some basketball player was throwing a party. I was looking for the party earlier but I heard the wrong address on the radio. After I couldn’t find the party earlier, I went to Time Square because I wasn’t ready to go home. While out on Time Square, I sees a couple of black honeys walking down this particular street. N.Y. is just like about every other town whereas if you see a good looking black female, you better track her down because you may never see her or anyone like her for a while.

So I decides to walk down this street, and what do you know there is a great big party goin’ on at the Kit Kat Club  on 43rd St; the party I was searching for earlier. I walks up and stands by these two cool niggaz with Tims and sweats on. I say something to them after a while and I starts vibin’ with them. I picks out of their brain that the one guy was a rapper and was seriously trying to get on in the industry. I got around to tellin’ them that I was a producer and what not, and I hit them with a tape. Well, we ended up spending the rest of the night together. After we left the Kit Kat Club at about 3:30 A.M. we went and stood out in front of Club Ivy and waited for the crowd to leave. I met this shorty named Elaine that I thought I liked; turned out I didn’t, and that she wasn’t even good enough for me to fuck in my standard book. That spot is where I saw Grand Puba Maxwell hangin out by his 4.6 SE Range Rover. After we left there, I took them home and I went home.

Now I’ve been calling and talking to Ricardo on the phone, and I’ve hooked with these cats a couple of times. They seem like nice well mannered guys living with their moms and pops and just trying to make something out of they life with music or whatever. They seem trust worthy. I am trusting Kenneth with my apartment, with my T.V., my sampler. I know where they both live at. I don’t think it will be worth it for them to rob me and have to live life looking over their shoulder for me. I will kill them niggaz if they take all that I have. Maybe they think they are running a game on an Ohio Nigga who will be afraid to buck em down if shit get nignorant. I don’t think it will come to that. Them niggaz is cool. I hope all their dreams materialize so I can make some loot. I need a come up of any kind. A pay off of my car, 10 grand, or anything; just a break you know.

So since Francine and Latonia called, maybe I’ll be in some pussy within the next two weeks. Once I get some pussy, the rest of my life should just fall into place. I won’t be so bored. I can call one of my honeys over to spend the night or just to hit me off for the night and then they can go home. Then I will be energized to do other things.

I was thinking about Sausha last night. I was listening to the tape of me tearing the ass up and her making those sexy oooooooh! Michael noises, and me spanking the ass. I was thinking about going to give her some of this good dick that she said she loved so much, and to eat a little of that delicious pussy of hers. But I don’t want to lead her on, so I’ll just leave it be unless she calls me. I’ll probably bust a nut in Rebecca’s mouth tonight and then go and bust one in Lauren’s ass tomorrow night.

Yeah, I’m back to doing the same shit I was doing before with these two: fuck Rebecca during the day and fuck Lauren during the night. I wish I  could just stay the hell away from both these bitches. Rebecca’s fat ass keeps on getting pregnant. I know she is not gonna have another baby because she having a hard enough time with the two she has. I shouldn’t have never started fucking with her ass again. I shouldn’t have never went and seen her. She just started sucking my dick while I was telling her that we shouldn’t be seeing each other. What can a man do when his dick is in a warm mouth; whether the mouth is a fat skinny or blind cripple and crazy bitch; he gonna submit.

I need some sex therapy or something to help me get away from these bitches. And what it is also is that when I go home, I have nothing to do, so why not go and let Rebecca suck my dick or spend the night with Lauren and bust a couple of nuts in her pussy.  I would like to be messing around with Rhonda but she doesn’t have her own place.

I’ll be glad when Lauren moves to Houston. Our little relationship will die down then forever. She probably has in her head to be nice as she can possibly be, and then I will ask her to come and stay with me. Sorry baby, but those days are over. I am not feeling it like that for you anymore. I’ll probably never find me a bitch to satisfy my sexual desires; therefore, I will probably always cheat, and one day that will lead to me getting in big trouble. So I guess I won’t get married unless a woman is sucking my dick right to make me forget that Rebecca’s mouth even existed, and someone who knows how to work their ass to make me forget that Lauren existed. The Lauren part should be pretty easy, hell I forgot about her while I was with Sausha. But coming in Rebecca’s mouth will be kind of hard to forget. I may just fuck Rebecca for life. Her fat ass, she will probably find another man to abuse her. I never cared about her anymore once she started telling me how she fucked around on me. As long as I could bust a nut down her throat, in her ass, and live in her apartment, and get the sneakers and money I wanted, I was happy.

I’m about to start hittin’ up her pockets again. I’m gonna tell her that I am not makin’ it in N.Y. and need $200 to cover my bills for the month. If she gives it to me, I’ll probably try and hit her up for some cash every three months. I’ll buy me a Sean Jean valore sweat suit with that $200 to match these burgundy Tims I just got.

I really need to be spending that shit on my credit card. I’m having a hard time out here, but like I said I’m not worrying about it too much, I’m just gonna live. Whatever happens happens. I need about $400 hundred more dollars a month and I’d be straight. I probably won’t make that until the next five years. My life looks like its going to be a constant struggle to maintain. I need to stop tryin’ to keep up with the jones and stop tryin’ to look good. I mean I look good and the bitches here are still not paying any attention to me.

That is a problem with niggaz; we are always spending money on something tryin’ to get the new shit: car, gold chain, shoes, leathers. And these companies just capitalize on our asses. Like Timberland; do you think they have a white man in mind when they make a pair of yellow boots or burgundy boots and label them “Special Edition?” Them shits should say on the little tag, “Here nigga, fresh new colorful timberlands made especially just for you. Get them while supplies last.” I only bought two pair of Tims because I got like two for one. I should have passed that up, but I didn’t. I could have made do with the Tims that I have already.

This world is a bitch filled with shit that you want and desire to get all of your money. White people save money because they don’t buy into all that shit. They dress fucked up, and drive new cars and live in nice houses. We blacks want it all and we can’t seem to control ourselves from tryin’ to get it all neither. That’s us though, and we ain’t gonna change. I probably ain’t gon’ change neither. Broke as niggaz is what we are and what we will be.