Jrnl Entry No. 3.3.2000

Well I spoke with Lauren last night about us getting together. She said that everything was fine just the way it is. She wanted to be with me but I am in N.Y. and she is moving to Virginia. She basically said that she doesn’t want to move here. I am not moving to Richmond, Virginia. Shit for all that I may as well have not left Warren, Ohio. So I guess that is the end of that thought. I won’t ask her again; I may not even talk to her anymore; just stay away from he and get her out of my system.

Sausha wrote me a letter talking about stay away from her until I’m sure about her coming to live with me and us being together. So I’ll stay away from her too. I really don’t want to be with her. She has a lot of growing to do, and I can’t wait on her to grow. I’m grown and know what I want.

So here I am once again hoeless. I’m not going to fuck Rebecca’s fat ass anymore neither. When I go home, my time will be completely dedicated to my daughter. I called her mom last night and she said that she was going out of town this week, which is probably a lie, but fuck her, I ain’t stressin’ her no more about seeing my daughter. She wants to keep me away from my daughter so be it. So I guess it will be just me and Kathy until I find someone else who better suits my taste.

Fuck the thought of getting with Rhonda. I just have to realize that I moved and I left that town behind. I can’t expect to build a relationship from 400 miles away. I also need to realize that besides good pussy and good looks that Lauren, Rhonda, nor Sausha have anything to offer me. They don’t have degrees or careers. Well Lauren does have a history with bookkeeping now, and that could turn into a nice salary later on, which is why she is the number one prospect of the bunch. But Lauren doesn’t want to be with me, which is no big deal. LAUREN! You think you are punishing me; secretly getting revenge or whatever, No you are not! What you are actually doing is giving me the opportunity to find someone better than you because you are in no way the top cream of the crop. I am just used to you and like you a lot because I know you. But when it really comes down to it you are the one, and you are not the one; there is a balance. You are giving me the chance to really find the one totally; career, good looks, good sex, and less or no kidz to take care of. I would like to be with you, but if not, HEY! You know me, I’ll maintain and stay up.

Kathy is cool, a law student, kind of intelligent, but her Hip Hop knowledge is limited which I don’t like. She didn’t know who Redman and Keith Murry was when they showed their faces in the movie “Ride.” She is also very skinny too. She probably doesn’t wear thong underwear. I ain’t got time to be telling another woman about wearing thongs or complaining about her underwear. If she is not a freak, it is not gonna get far. She is the most promising girl I’ve ever talked to. A lawyer salary won’t be bad together with mine in the future. We could have some things. She seems to like me. I guess that is how it goes; the people who like you, you don’t like; the people you like, don’t like you.

I think the reason why I was thinking about Lauren so tough anyway was because of those pictures. I put them in my bathroom mirror. I would love to have that ass walking around in my house permanently but it looks like that is not gonna take place. I think I will keep them there though to remind me of the type of ass that I want. I find myself talking to women like Kathy that I don’t necessarily like. I just be horny and talk to the first woman I can who doesn’t look bad and who is not fat.

I need to get this under control. From this point on I’m not gonna talk to any woman unless I really like most things about her at first sight. I’ve been going crazy here in N.Y. trying to talk to women. I am not gonna stress it anymore. I’ve been going out to bars and to malls trying to meet women. I met a few but they never called me. I called them and they were never home. So fuck trying to meet women here. If I meet one I do; if I don’t I don’t.

Lauren just called me at work and told me that she told her manager she wanted to transfer to VA. I asked her one more time would she come here, and she said her kidz are too little. See bitches always got an excuse for when a nigga is really serious with they asses. She has been stressing me for years to be with her. She actually talked about moving to N.Y. when we were together in our happy days. Now when it is possible, and everything could come together, she has an excuse. That is why women can’t be president because when they think they are so independent, they are still actually not able to go completely on their own with no support system and live for themselves, by themselves. Lauren just said that when she gets married she doesn’t want to be near her family. She has family in VA. Here in N.Y. we would be by ourselves with no family for 6 hours and 400 miles away. Yet, she has an excuse of why she doesn’t want to come here. Look at me, I guess I really think I want her in my life. Maybe I do at this point. She would probably make me happiest, but fuck it.

I’m gonna chill with Kathy this weekend, or maybe go out with the girl I met outside Justin’s on Tuesday night. She called me last night because I paged her and said that she would call me today at work or leave a message at my home. I ain’t going out to no clubs. I ‘ll have to figure out another way to meet women. I guess you can’t meet girls at a club, or at least I haven’t been so successful with it. I guess my car isn’t big enough.


Jrnl Entry No. 2.22.2000

I went over to Elaine’s house last night to pick up some grease that she makes. I got over there and sat for a while. She is ugly man. I had been figured this out when I first met her for an outing at the LaBar Bat. After that outing, we really didn’t talk anymore. She does have some nice tidies though, but she doesn’t look clean. She has this dirty look about her. I really can’t see myself reaching over and kissing her.

Well my car has gotten its second official nasty scratch, and it is on the hood. A truck must have backed into my car and its bumper got my hood. I had a little luck getting some phone numbers on Saturday night but so far they have not been anything but the same ole bullshit. The one girl who is a school teacher, we sat in the club in the booth and talked with her and her friend all night, she hasn’t been home the two times I called her. I left my name and number on her answering machine but she hasn’t called back. Another girl who does accounts payable work and has two kidz, she actually called me Sunday to my surprise. I called her Monday, and we established that I was going to visit her. When she told me to call back, she had left and I waited a little while for her to call me back but she never did so I went to Elaine’s house.

So the women here are still bullshit. Nothing is happening for me here in this city. All I see is a bunch of ass, most of it Rican and white which I know I can’t have, and when I go and meet black women, they don’t respond to me. I really got no place else to go though, but I’m about fed up with this shit. But fuck it though, things will get better somehow.  

I’m going to some shit tonight that Elaine was telling me about. I guess it’s an after work spot, free from six until. From there I’m going to go over by Justin’s for some industry networking party that Elaine was telling me about. Hopefully, I’ll meet someone to talk for real about my music at Justin’s. I probably won’t be able to get in or some shit, or it will cost too much. I’m gonna go though to see how it goes down. I hope I run into Puffy so that maybe I can get an accounting job with him, and maybe that would make my life happier for the moment.

And I don’t know why but when Thursday night comes around, I get happy. I’m free for the weekend to do what I wanna. So maybe like in that stupid movie “Office Space”, each day at work is like the worst day of my life. When the weekend approaches, I get happy because I don’t have to go to work for two days. Friday is like a day I just wait for work to end so it’s really not a bad day at work. I don’t even take a nap at lunchtime on Friday.

I heard a couple of beats that Elaine’s cousin did for someone, and the one was kind of wack. He has the same beat machine as I do. Ensoniq ASR 10. This leads me to think that maybe I have what it takes to become a producer in this town because the amateurs are really amateurs. Lark has some good shit and some bad shit coming out of his MPC 2000. Kenneth and them were telling me about a guy they met who has an ASR 10 and they said his shit didn’t sound all that. He was telling them that the ASR 10 was a limited machine. No its not, and in fact it’s probably one of the most complete beat machines that are out there. I can do everything but put different effects on the eight different tracks that are available on board. I program a sequence to do whatever I want it to: stop on a certain beat, take out an instrument, etc. Maybe he hasn’t put the extra money in his to purchase extra memory like I did. Without the extra memory, yes you are very limited. You can only use a certain number of tracks before all of the memory is used up, and you can only program a certain number of sequences. Maybe I ought to keep that as my secret to give me an edge in the game; unless someone asks because they’ve read and know about it, don’t tell em’. Sometimes you got to keep shit to yourself to have that competitive edge you know.

I think that Lauren will be my forever lover, and one day we will get married probably when her kidz are grown and we are like in our 40s. I have been thinking about that ass lately and I want some. I tried calling her last night but she didn’t pick up the phone. My dick instantly gets hard when I see that little big ass of hers switching around. She turns me on like that. But I don’t know if right now I can get over how she was treating me because she had her man Jamelle. She was dogging me to the fullest. One moment she’d be nice and let me fuck a couple of times. The next moment she’d have some attitude and we’d argue and I’d end up leaving her house. We had great times together though.

 She came to my house to see me in N.Y. about a month after Sausha and I broke up, and it didn’t feel all that good to have her there. She was trying to get me to fuck her all night and day like I used to but I just wasn’t feeling it like that. She was there from Friday night to Monday morning, and we had sex Friday night and Saturday morning; Saturday night and I think Sunday morning but I’m not sure. She was getting on my nerves. Sunday night she put on some little lingerie thing and I didn’t even make an attempt to fuck. But I’m thinking about her now though.

I am just not motivated to work. I take too long to do my task. It takes me two to three days to review the accounts of three yards, and Dawn just told me that she reviews six or seven in I don’t know how long. And maybe I’ll always be this way or maybe not. Maybe something is just missing in my life and my work life. And NO it is not god.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.26.2000

O.K. So I went to warren. I said that I would not bother Sausha because it would lead her on. I couldn’t resist though. I wanted to see her. I do still care for her, but at this point and time in my life, she is like a burden to be in a relationship with. Maybe we’ll just be close friends. I didn’t care if we made love or not, but you know once you get there and you’re alone, why not try.

So I got there Friday and went to her house. We sat on the couch and talked and I could tell she was trying to stay as distant away from me as she possibly could. I stayed away for a little while also. After about two hours I started trying to touch her. She resisted and she kept on resisting, and it seemed like she was getting mad so I stopped at about 4 A.M. and went home.

I’m not confused about what I want. The problem is that what I want is like in four different girls: Sausha has the niceness that I like and good smooth runnin attitude. Lauren has the nice round ass and good pussy that I want. Rhonda has the beauty and style that I want. Rebecca has the freakiness that I want.

I was supposed to go and see Sausha on Saturday but she wasn’t home or wasn’t answering her phone. I called and went over there Sunday. I was at it again tryin’ to make love to her, but she was still resisting me. After about two hours I put my head in between her legs while she still had her jeans on. She was still resisting but not as hard as before. After about 15 mins of her resisting I got her pants down enough to just run my tongue across her clitoris. She was getting into it, but still tried resisting a little. She gave in and let me take her pants off.

I was eating that sweet pussy so nicely. I hadn’t eaten pussy in about three months. I stopped eating and gave her the dick. She was loving it and loving me so much that she started crying and she told me to stop. I stopped. I started kissing on her breast and her body after a couple of minutes, and then I went down for some more dinner. I ate until she burst into a shaking coming frenzy. I gave her the dick again, and she was totally into it by then and we made love. It felt so good to me.

I started realizing how much I miss her and love her. Yes I love her but I can’t take care of her and her three kidz even with her on the help out, especially in New York. I can’t live in Ohio again for no reason except maybe to look after my mom if she gets deadly ill. I don’t know, maybe I’ll keep a distant relationship with her until she gets her life together when she can really help the relationship without all the worry about her life situation; that could take five years.

I’ve been searching for a woman in New York, but haven’t had any luck on finding a real woman to talk to. Latonia seems like a real woman but I don’t know yet. I’m broke, I don’t have a woman, I can’t go anywhere and do nothing. I go home from work, sit there and nod off to sleep or watch T.V. I haven’t been inspired in the last two weeks to do a track. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but spending money. My dreams are far from materializing.

I need some advice about what to do about Sausha. I need some advice about my passion to become a producer. I don’t see anywhere in the near future a big raise in pay to help me out the situation I’m in now. I have a $5,800 credit card bill which will never get paid off. When I pay my car off, I can start paying off the credit card bill, and then I can start saving up for a house. Hopefully by that time I’ll have a real woman who can help me with all this shit because alone I’m fucked. I’m not making it so well out here, I’m just driving myself deeper and deeper into debt.

My music is the only thing that will help me, and that ain’t promised. I guess I’m gonna be fucked for life. I want to get my balls clipped with my income tax money. I need to pay the crew back for studio expense with my income tax money. I need to pay some money on my credit card bill with my income tax money. My income tax money is not gonna stretch and do all of that. Hell, I may have to end up paying taxes. Taxes are a bitch, just take all your money. It’s a god damn shame.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.21.2000

Today in New York was the first snow fall of the winter. I guess I better buy me a shovel soon because the snow plows around here come and just pile snow right up against your car parked on the street and leave your car stuck if you don’t have a shovel to dig yourself out.

I have stopped worrying about my bills so much and money that I don’t have. If need be, I’ll just get one month behind on my rent, which will probably be cool since the landlord already has the last months rent anyway.

I’m starting to get lonely in my apartment all alone with no one to talk to on the phone even to tell myself “I should be fuckin by this date.” I’ve met like about six girls and we exchanged numbers and what not but no one has called. Me and the one girl from the Bronx were talking pretty fine then all of a  sudden she stopped talking to me, putting me off when I’d call her. This one girl named Nicole or Francine called me one time and we talked for like two hours, but I haven’t heard from her since. I called the number she gave me and asked for Nicole, someone said that no Nicole lived there. I’ve been calling and asking for Francine and Francine is never there according to whoever picks up the phone. I met this dance instructor, choreographer, etc and she seemed pretty cool. I seen her dance at the Kit Kat Club  for the crowd by the DJ both , and I was turned on by it. I have paged her twice and she has not called me back. Maybe she is busy.

I don’t have time to be chasing hoes all over town and trying to spend whatever little time they have to spare to spend with me. If a bitch doesn’t have time to spend quality time with me then fuck her. Like with Melonie, she didn’t want to spend time alone with me and she just stopped calling me so fuck her. I ain’t doin’ nuttin wrong so I don’t know what  I’m gonna do about my pussy situation. The only pussy I can get is in Ohio and maybe some in Syracuse, but fuck that shit. That is one of the reasons why I moved up here so I wouldn’t have to travel an hour or two for some pussy.

I guess it’s just meant to be that way for now. I guess bitches will come when they will come. But they better not wait too late to come because if they come when I got something like a Benz or some money in my pocket from music. I will just nut in their mouth and send them walking out of my house to catch the train or cab. I mean if hoes won’t be nice and be with me while I’m just a regular good looking guy, then why should I be nice to them when they talkin’ to me just because I look good in a Benz.

I can’t believe these pussy ass people in New York. A little snow fall which will probably only accumulate about four inches at the most, and they let us go home from work early. I mean all that up on your ass blowin’ the horn and shit in the summer time; let a little snow fall and the people are wimping up like a bunch of little bitches who just got slapped in the mouth. Today is the next day.

Last night I got a call from two young ladies that I gave my number to. I paged Latonia and she called me back. That was like my third time paging her. I wasn’t gonna call her anymore after last night. I found out from our little conversation we had that she is a Knick dancer. That is pretty cool I told her, and I told her that I liked her dancing at the club. She said it would be possible for us to meet again. She was sleepy and was about to take a nap in the dance studio where she was about to have rehearsal. She told me to call her at work today. Now Burton was like play games and don’t call her anymore until she calls me, but I’m not playin’ those games. If a hoe can’t see that I’m comin’ with the real deal holyfield, then fuck em’ they can step. That’s the game I play, “act right or act the part by yourself.” Francine also called me after I had been calling her for like three days. She’s cool and I think I may be able to work with her. I may end up liking her the most. She has that dark skin tone that I like.

Kenneth came over last night to get my key for my apartment. I guess he and his girl are going to chill there for the weekend. Now I met Kenneth and Ricardo outside of the Kit Kat Club one night when some basketball player was throwing a party. I was looking for the party earlier but I heard the wrong address on the radio. After I couldn’t find the party earlier, I went to Time Square because I wasn’t ready to go home. While out on Time Square, I sees a couple of black honeys walking down this particular street. N.Y. is just like about every other town whereas if you see a good looking black female, you better track her down because you may never see her or anyone like her for a while.

So I decides to walk down this street, and what do you know there is a great big party goin’ on at the Kit Kat Club  on 43rd St; the party I was searching for earlier. I walks up and stands by these two cool niggaz with Tims and sweats on. I say something to them after a while and I starts vibin’ with them. I picks out of their brain that the one guy was a rapper and was seriously trying to get on in the industry. I got around to tellin’ them that I was a producer and what not, and I hit them with a tape. Well, we ended up spending the rest of the night together. After we left the Kit Kat Club at about 3:30 A.M. we went and stood out in front of Club Ivy and waited for the crowd to leave. I met this shorty named Elaine that I thought I liked; turned out I didn’t, and that she wasn’t even good enough for me to fuck in my standard book. That spot is where I saw Grand Puba Maxwell hangin out by his 4.6 SE Range Rover. After we left there, I took them home and I went home.

Now I’ve been calling and talking to Ricardo on the phone, and I’ve hooked with these cats a couple of times. They seem like nice well mannered guys living with their moms and pops and just trying to make something out of they life with music or whatever. They seem trust worthy. I am trusting Kenneth with my apartment, with my T.V., my sampler. I know where they both live at. I don’t think it will be worth it for them to rob me and have to live life looking over their shoulder for me. I will kill them niggaz if they take all that I have. Maybe they think they are running a game on an Ohio Nigga who will be afraid to buck em down if shit get nignorant. I don’t think it will come to that. Them niggaz is cool. I hope all their dreams materialize so I can make some loot. I need a come up of any kind. A pay off of my car, 10 grand, or anything; just a break you know.

So since Francine and Latonia called, maybe I’ll be in some pussy within the next two weeks. Once I get some pussy, the rest of my life should just fall into place. I won’t be so bored. I can call one of my honeys over to spend the night or just to hit me off for the night and then they can go home. Then I will be energized to do other things.

I was thinking about Sausha last night. I was listening to the tape of me tearing the ass up and her making those sexy oooooooh! Michael noises, and me spanking the ass. I was thinking about going to give her some of this good dick that she said she loved so much, and to eat a little of that delicious pussy of hers. But I don’t want to lead her on, so I’ll just leave it be unless she calls me. I’ll probably bust a nut in Rebecca’s mouth tonight and then go and bust one in Lauren’s ass tomorrow night.

Yeah, I’m back to doing the same shit I was doing before with these two: fuck Rebecca during the day and fuck Lauren during the night. I wish I  could just stay the hell away from both these bitches. Rebecca’s fat ass keeps on getting pregnant. I know she is not gonna have another baby because she having a hard enough time with the two she has. I shouldn’t have never started fucking with her ass again. I shouldn’t have never went and seen her. She just started sucking my dick while I was telling her that we shouldn’t be seeing each other. What can a man do when his dick is in a warm mouth; whether the mouth is a fat skinny or blind cripple and crazy bitch; he gonna submit.

I need some sex therapy or something to help me get away from these bitches. And what it is also is that when I go home, I have nothing to do, so why not go and let Rebecca suck my dick or spend the night with Lauren and bust a couple of nuts in her pussy.  I would like to be messing around with Rhonda but she doesn’t have her own place.

I’ll be glad when Lauren moves to Houston. Our little relationship will die down then forever. She probably has in her head to be nice as she can possibly be, and then I will ask her to come and stay with me. Sorry baby, but those days are over. I am not feeling it like that for you anymore. I’ll probably never find me a bitch to satisfy my sexual desires; therefore, I will probably always cheat, and one day that will lead to me getting in big trouble. So I guess I won’t get married unless a woman is sucking my dick right to make me forget that Rebecca’s mouth even existed, and someone who knows how to work their ass to make me forget that Lauren existed. The Lauren part should be pretty easy, hell I forgot about her while I was with Sausha. But coming in Rebecca’s mouth will be kind of hard to forget. I may just fuck Rebecca for life. Her fat ass, she will probably find another man to abuse her. I never cared about her anymore once she started telling me how she fucked around on me. As long as I could bust a nut down her throat, in her ass, and live in her apartment, and get the sneakers and money I wanted, I was happy.

I’m about to start hittin’ up her pockets again. I’m gonna tell her that I am not makin’ it in N.Y. and need $200 to cover my bills for the month. If she gives it to me, I’ll probably try and hit her up for some cash every three months. I’ll buy me a Sean Jean valore sweat suit with that $200 to match these burgundy Tims I just got.

I really need to be spending that shit on my credit card. I’m having a hard time out here, but like I said I’m not worrying about it too much, I’m just gonna live. Whatever happens happens. I need about $400 hundred more dollars a month and I’d be straight. I probably won’t make that until the next five years. My life looks like its going to be a constant struggle to maintain. I need to stop tryin’ to keep up with the jones and stop tryin’ to look good. I mean I look good and the bitches here are still not paying any attention to me.

That is a problem with niggaz; we are always spending money on something tryin’ to get the new shit: car, gold chain, shoes, leathers. And these companies just capitalize on our asses. Like Timberland; do you think they have a white man in mind when they make a pair of yellow boots or burgundy boots and label them “Special Edition?” Them shits should say on the little tag, “Here nigga, fresh new colorful timberlands made especially just for you. Get them while supplies last.” I only bought two pair of Tims because I got like two for one. I should have passed that up, but I didn’t. I could have made do with the Tims that I have already.

This world is a bitch filled with shit that you want and desire to get all of your money. White people save money because they don’t buy into all that shit. They dress fucked up, and drive new cars and live in nice houses. We blacks want it all and we can’t seem to control ourselves from tryin’ to get it all neither. That’s us though, and we ain’t gonna change. I probably ain’t gon’ change neither. Broke as niggaz is what we are and what we will be.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.16.1999

So Melonie is wack. We went to the movies and seen Sleepy Hollow, some shit I would not have viewed in my lifetime if I hadn’t gone with her. We gets back from the movies to her apartment at a quarter to twelve because she didn’t know how to get home from the movies, which kind of pissed me off. When we reach her apartment, she makes me walk her to her door, which I wasn’t gonna do since since she wasn’t inviting me to her apartment. I gets home and calls her and she puts on this sleepy act. My whole drive home I was contemplating if I should call her or not. I decided to call to let her know I’d gotten home like she asked me to.

I didn’t talk to her Saturday because I had something to do. I calls her Sunday and ask would she like some company and she turned me down. So I’m saying to myself that was strike number two she has one more strike and she is outta here. I didn’t call her for two days after that because I was pissed at being turned down to spend time with her. I mean how am I supposed to get the panties down if they ain’t in my view or arms reach. So I calls her on Wednesday morning and leaves a message on her answering machine that I was thinking about her since I hadn’t talked to her, and that I would like to see her, and I suggested that maybe she come to my house. At about 7 P.M. that night I gets a call from her saying that she had just come from work, and that she was on her way to a skin care party so she wouldn’t be coming over my house. She said that I needed to give a couple of days notices to get together with her. I told her that I was not a give notice kind of guy.

And now all this is telling me is that this bitch is too busy to have a man. She has work and class. She doesn’t like to hook up during the week, which as I mentioned before is not a good thing. And I’m also thinking that she needs all this notice because she has to tell her other man she is doing something else. That bitch was probably going to get fucked last night and just made up that shit about the skin care party. Whatever the case, I’m like fuck her.

I gave her three chances to hook up with me, and she blew em. So I ain’t calling her any more so if she wants to hook up, its all gonna be on her to come to my house, to pay for the date or whatever, and then I might just turn her down. I hate bitches who play games, and that is all she has been doing, trying to play all innocent like and lady like: bitch is probably the biggest little hoe I’ve known since Rebecca.

I’ve told Romania at work that I like her and would like to talk to her outside of work. She said that she would think about that. That was two days ago and I haven’t heard anything from her. She can call me because she knows my extension or has access to it.

Bitches are so phony I swear. If they like you and are really attracted to you they show it. If they are not all that attracted to you, they try and make you do all this work and shit. I ain’t doin no work for no hoe. And then even if they are attracted to you, they still play games. The only game a bitch is gonna play with me is solitaire by her damn self.

Sausha has been calling me. She called me Monday and Wednesday talking like we were still together and she was over her problem with me. But I decided when I left her house that Sunday that I was through with her. I’ve said time and again that I love her and that she is a very nice girl, but her and her situation are not for me. And we have differences that in the long run would have killed the relationship anyway.

Lauren wrote me a letter that I received in the mail after I dicked her down real good on Saturday night. She was talking about why do we continue to hook up. Do we really love each other? And if we do, why aren’t we together as a family. SHEEIT! As many times as I tried to go back to her after we broke up and make things right, and all she did was play games because she had Jamelle dickin’ her down. Now I guess that nigga ain’t nowhere in sight and she wants to start talkin’ nice to me again. I don’t even feel love for her anymore. She is just a piece of good ass that I never know when I stick my dick in it. I wasn’t planning on fucking her Saturday night but it happened that way. I’ll fuck I guess until we have our next argument because she definitely can not be my wife like I thought she could have been in the past. I think I was just blinded by the lust of being able to bust a nut in her pussy and her sexy body and the way she works her ass when I fuck her.

I promise myself not to get involved with anyone who has three kidz. I can’t afford it. Them hoes shouldn’t have had all them kidz trying to be humanitarians without the fathers in it for sure. Now they stuck suffering the consequences, and I ain’t gonna be stuck with em.

I seen this girl I would have liked to get to know at The LaBar Bat on Tuesday night. She had a bad ass body, a cute face, and from her sheet of credentials being read because it was a fashion show, it sounded like she had some nice plans. I didn’t talk to her though.

From now on down if I see a bitch that I think I like, I’m just gonna talk to her and say the first words that come to mind. A bitch should know that when you ask her for her name that you are interested in getting to know her. So It’s either she is gonna want to get to know you also or she is not no matter what you say. Fuck all this holding back shit because bitches out here are desperate to meet a nice man anyway. That is what half of them are there for, to have someone talk to them. From now on its no holds bard on these hoes.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.10.1999

Its Friday. I’m sitting here at work and my dick is semi hard. I want some pussy as usual. I got a date tonight with Melonie. She says she feels comfortable around me so maybe she will be comfortable enough to wrap her lips and wet hot pussy around my dick.

Last night I finished my latest song. I started writing lyrics to it the day after I had the bass line and melody down. The song is about Hip Hop, how it shows no love to people who love it the most. And it seems like Hip Hop is leaving the real MC in a trade for Limp Biscuit. People like Jay Z and DMX who don’t take the time to come with innovative rhymes anymore like, “you coppin me like white crystal / I gross the most at the end of the fiscal year than these niggaz could wish to” (Jay Z “Dead Presidents”) He don’t say shit like that anymore. DMX never was a great lyricist, but you was eager to hear him when he was on the guest appearances with The Lox and Mase.  Now his shit has played out, but yet his next album will still go platinum. The industry look at this and lives by it. If you don’t have a gimmick or this or that, they ain’t signin you. Like Nas song with Genuwine “You Owe Me” that shit is terrible, but yet I hear that people are feeling it. I guess the teenagers love shit like that. Its just a generation gap type of thing like our parents loved soul r&b music. When rap came along, some of them liked it a little, but for the most part they didn’t understand.

I am kind of anxious to see Melonie tonight. I hope he looks sexy as she did the first two times I saw her. If she invites me into her apartment and I try to get into the panties, she will probably hit me witt some bullshit like she isn’t ready yet or we haven’t went out for long enough. I tell you bitches kill me. It only takes about a week to see how a mutha fucka talkin, and for you to know if you kind of like him. I think Melonie has been giving me all kind of clues that the pussy is mine. She tells me that my voice is sexy and it’s nice to hear it. But of course all that shit really means nothing. She is probably saying that to fuck witt my head to make me think I’m gonna get some pussy, but really has no intention on giving it to me. I think I need to get me someone else to talk to anyway since Melonie claims that she bees so busy on the weekdays.  I know that is not gonna get it.

 A thought just popped into my head about this girl I met in Columbus at the block party about three years ago. Her name is Dana. She said that she wanted to move to N.Y. to pursue a career dancing on Boradway shows. Now for some reason when I saw her the last time she looked very good to me. I talked to her on the phone about two months after seeing her. Now Dana is the kind of girl I want to love. She has focus, a college degree, and wants to live in NY Like me and accomplish a dream of making it in the arts like me. I hope that some how I can run into her again and talk to her again. She has that womanly look that I am looking for.

Like take Melonie for example. She is very sexy and taking care of her business, but she is younger than I, and she looks young. Hell, I look young myself, so some woman will probably say the same thing about me. If Melonie can freak me like I want to be freaked, she may have a chance because sexiness, job and a little focus, and good pussy all sound like a good match to me. She may have some ole rotten pussy, don’t know how to fuck and shit, won’t suck a dick, don’t know how to ride a dick, and don’t like doggie sytle. If more than two of the above are true, she can forget about it. I need all of those things. But she tries to talk proper and conduct herself like a lady, so she may just be a horny little freak in the bed room. Take for example, Lillian Buckhead. She looks like a proper little young lady in public. I’ve never heard her loud or out of order when hanging with friends or anyone else. She’s a lady in the public eye, but in the bedroom she will suck the skin off your dick with her mouth, and rip your dick off with her pussy. I hope Melonie sucks dick deep throat style and just loves for a nigga to come right down her throat. I’m dying to run into a bitch like that. I’m just a horny little mutha fucka. I want kinki dick suckin’, ass lickin, ass fucking, pussy eatin’ sex until my dick falls off. I want that along with love, friendship and all that other shit that makes a relationship whole. I haven’t eaten no pussy in about three weeks since Sausha broke up with me. I need a taste. Maybe Melonie will be ready. I hope  

Jrnl Entry No. 12.8.1999

Well I got fired / quit my job at The Gap. “I used to work at Foot Locker but they fronted / Got fired or I quit it / However do you want it.” (Lauren Hill “Everything is Everything) I got written up on my second incident and they were giving me a final written warning before firing me on my next warning. The first warning was do to some tight, no pussy getting manager of loss prevention. I was sitting down on the escalator because I was tired from running up and down the stairs all day after getting home the previous night at 3 A.M. So he’s right down at the bottom of the escalator and I see him looking at me as I was riding down and knew he was going to say something to me. He comes up to me and says, “hey, don’t sit on the escalator.” I looks at him as says “O.K.” and then I continues to go and do my job. He wanted to lecture me though and asked me my name, and did I think it was professional to sit like that with customers looking right at me. I was tired and wasn’t hearing him. I told him that I understood what he said, and that he didn’t have to be so serious. So he tells me to come here again while I am walking away. I just kept on walking and he follows me. I don’t even know who this guy is all in my face like I’m his son. After he says a few more times for me to come with him, I goes. We meet up with my floor manager as we walking back to his office, and she comes with us. He explains to her that I sat down on the escalator and that he feels I should be sent home for the day. He said I totally blew him off when he told me not to sit on the escalator and that I was showing off in front of people when I told him not to be so serious. I explained to her that I heard what he said, I got the message, and that I would not sit on the escalator anymore. I mean what did he want me to do; start sucking his dick to show him I was paying him full attention. My manager agreed with him and sent me home, which I was quite thankful because I was operating on two and half hours of sleep. I went home and slept the whole day.

My next incident about a month later was on the same scale. It was 11 P.M. quitting time, my third day straight of working two jobs, and I was tired and ready to go home. There was 5/10 minutes of work left to do and I told her that I was going home. The work would get done by the morning crew. She said that walking away was not acceptable. As I was walking away, I said “write it down and I’ll sign the paper.” When I came to work my next scheduled day I went to her and said I was sorry about the other day, that I work every day from 8 AM to 5 PM and by time 11 o’clock comes I am irritable. She takes me down to her office and tells me that my behavior was not acceptable which I understood. I told her that my availability needed to be changed to 3 days during the week and one day during the weekend in order to prevent these type of incidents from happening again. She basically told me that she already adjusted my schedule for four days a week and no weekends and that she couldn’t adjust it again. We were going back and forth with me telling her that four days a week straight of working two jobs leaves me with no life, and she basically was telling me tough tidy, and if I had another incident I would be fired. After I saw that she was not going to compromise with me on my schedule, I just said “I’m going home. Do you need your shirt back?” I took the shirt off and handed her my discount card and left.

The problem on part time jobs is that they don’t seem to understand the concept of part-time. They want to work you as much as possible. Part-time means you work when you want to because you have another full life and responsibilities to attend to. They should try to accommodate you as much as possible, and if they can’t work you as little as you want, they should work you a little less. Part-time jobs are for extra money that you really could do without because nine times out of ten you are not paying any major bills with the money. But part-time companies want to treat you like you need their job and they are doing you such a big favor by letting you work; therefore, you should happily abide by all the rules and work whenever we want you to. If they want to do people a favor, hire them full time and give them benefits, or work around people’s schedule as much as they can.

So it feels good to go home after work again and chill. Yesterday I went searching for some boot leg CDs around 34th St and Time Square but found none. I went back toward  home and went to the grocery store and then home. I called my new shorty, but she wasn’t home. I was about to work on my new song and she called. It was about 10:45 PM and she called me. I didn’t get off the phone with her until 2 A.M. I think she likes me a lot from what she knows. I like her also. It may work out to be long term if she is as sexy as I think she is and as she tells me she likes to be. She has that bad word in her vocabulary though, “Ghetto.” She doesn’t seem to use it as much as Victoria did, but its in her vocabulary. If she thinks she likes me now, wait until I dick her down and get my mouth on that pussy, she going to go crazy. She often makes comments that we should go here or there one day, or that I should go shopping with her one day; hints that we are going to be together in the long-run. I don’t like that. I usually like to take it day by day.

I’m still nervous about this kid situation. I seen on the news where a man was paying $12,000 a month child support. His wife was married to him for 700 days; time enough to make him believe she loved him, to have a kid, and divorce his ass and get paid for 18 years. The news says that the law says that a child has the right to live the lifestyle of its father while it is with the mother. I have no problem with that. I will buy my child whatever it wants. But if we have to pay all that money mandatory, then we should have the right to choose to have custody or joint custody or something. A lot of women are abusing child support. The woman originally wanted $112,000 a month in child support. Melonie says she is not mother material right now, and that she wants to be married before she has a kid, but I bet if I start bustin nuts in her ass, she will come up pregnant and want to have the baby. I’m kind of used to bustin nuts out of the pussy since I have been doing that with Sausha for a year and a half, so I should be able to continue my pattern.

I think that Melonie will probably not work out because she lives in Jersey and I live N.Y. I am not moving over there and she probably has no plans of moving over here. If it wasn’t for those damn bridges that you must pay $4 to go through I would be happy to stay in Jersey. But you never know how shit will go, we probably will be together for a while. I want a bitch right here in N.Y. though. A bitch who has her own shit. When I run across one, I’ll definitely get on. I see mostly bitches with weave in their head, which I don’t like. I was telling Melonie last night that I do not step to a woman who is not wearing her real hair. I just don’t like it, I can’t compliment it, and it is like a turn off like cigarettes.

I’m gonna try and go over Melonie’s house tonight, well no I’m not. I know one thing though is that I will not be on the phone all night bullshittin’. I’m gon cook and hop on my ASR 10 Sampler. I have been thinking about CLUE the past couple of days and how I should have shouted at him. He probably would have been cool. I talked to him at the Jay Z concert in Pittsburgh but he wasn’t paying me any attention. Being in an area where everybody isn’t on his dick, he may just conversate with a brother.

The next mutha fucka I see though I’m hittin him with my speech that I prepared I don’t care who it is. Them mutha fuckas got to know that they need to put people on just like someone put them on. If I was a star, I would probably spend most of my time listening to demos, and if I heard something that impressed me like my frat brothers tape, I would do whatever I could to get him on. I mean CLUE wasn’t always CLUE and Jay Z wasn’t always Jay Z, and Nas damn sure wasn’t  always The Rapper Nas. He was some quiet kid who never let anybody know he rapped.

I feel like I’m in prison not being able to do what I really want to do, which is make some money in Hip Hop. I feel trapped. I mean I want to sit at home all day and make songs and get paid for them. I want to be steppin up in the club at 12:30 A.M. on a Sunday night not worrying about getting up for work in the morning. I want it so bad, I can taste it. I’m gonna get it. In my heart, I got so much love for this, I got to get it.

I just completed a verse to my incomplete song about my love for Hip Hop but Hip Hop has no love for me or MCs who give their all on the mic. Hip Hop only shows love to simple gimmick cats like DMX. Even Jay Z is sounding a little repetitive. Like Jay Z says he don’t write rhymes down anymore, he makes them up as he goes along in the studio. your best shit doesn’t come out that way. Like his best shit was on his first two albums. His third one was cool, but far from the potency of his first album. He had clever lines back then, now all his lines are sounding the same and that is what happens when you stop thinking about what you want to say and analyzing it and rewriting it when it sounds corny.

I think writing is one of the reasons KRSONE has stayed fresh for 11 to 12 years. Writing keeps you on your toes with the skill. Biz Markie said he never wrote. He has a song with Will Smith and he is saying the same shit he was saying ten years ago not writing, and that is why he feel off. And niggas like Pharoe Monch who has one of the dopest albums with some of the dopest lyrics, he get no love from Hip Hop, no record sales, no cash, just mad respect from niggaz like me for his true skill and art of spittin rhymes. It never pays to be an abstract artist with real shit and talent until you die, and with Hip Hop, even dieing won’t bring true MCs like Pharoe Monch much recognition.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.3.1999

So I meets Melonie last night in Time Square. We met an hour later than what we planned because she didn’t know where the Virgin Mega Store was. It’s funny about these people here in N.Y. and around surrounding areas, that they don’t venture out and see more of what the city has to offer. People who live in Queens, stay in Queens; people who live in Brooklyn, stay in Brooklyn and etc. I told her lets meet in Times Square so she says “42nd Street.” I say “yeah, 42nd Street” because that is like the point where you see all the Times Square lights. I was also under the impression that she knew where the Virgin Megastore was. It was not exactly on 42nd St, but like a little down from 45th St. on Broadway. I assumed wrong, and at like 10:30 P.M. I starts walking down toward 42nd St. to see if she would be walking around down there. When I got in front of ESPN Zone where we were supposed to be going anyway, I sees her. So she is walking by and I am like staring in her face trying to get her attention. Finally as she was about to walk past me I said something to get her attention. She said that she has been driving around since like 9:30 P.M. trying to find the store and a parking space.

She didn’t smile or anything when she saw me. We were right in front of the ESPN Zone so we went in. I offered to buy her dinner since I figured she hadn’t eaten because she said she was going to Spanish class after work, then home to change and then to meet me. So we are walking into the restaurant and she still hasn’t cracked a smile and she is talking in this serious tone of voice. I’m steady trying to get a smile out of her some how. I mean I’m not a comedian or anything so it was hard. I thought that if I smiled at her while I was talking to her that she would smile at me when she was talking but no, not at first. But as we sat down to eat dinner, we talked a little more and I even asked about her seriousness. She said that was just her personality and that I shouldn’t be bothered by it. As we talked a little more she loosened up a little.

Now Melonie has a natural little curly fro that she wears parted and slicked to each side like in the front, and there is just an afro puff at the back. Before her hair grew I guess she had a ceasar. She keeps her fro tight and I like that. I’ve always wanted to get with someone who sported a natural. Melonie is very small and petite with two little round tidys that will fit right into mouth just like I used to do Lauren and she used to love it. She has a cute little round ass as I’ve mentioned before that I saw when I met her. She had on a tight fitted black and white waist length leopard print shirt with a purse to match; some tight black jeans I think, and some cute boots to hook it all together. I didn’t want to stare too hard at her outfit, but I could tell it was very sexy and I liked it. I didn’t get a chance to peep the ass because she had on a knee length coat with the sheep hair around the collar and sleeves. The one chance I had to peep the ass was when she went to the bathroom. The only problem was that I was sitting the opposite way. I couldn’t just turn around and start looking at her ass as she walked away. I started to but caught myself and said forget it. I’d see it another time.

I think Melonie has all the right stuff as far sexiness goes. She says she wears Victoria Secret around the house and not some bullshit. She dresses very sexy to me from the two outfits that I’ve seen her in. She wears thong underwear, which I noticed at the club. She’s cute in my book. She is not beautiful, but cute. I think that is part of my problem with women. No, it’s not a problem, but it goes like this.

I don’t really see too many beautiful black women popping up into my view. When I say beautiful, I’m talking about love at first sight beautiful. See with Melonie it’s like a, she is sexy and I think she would turn me on, type of thing. So when she is not turning me on with her sexiness or if the pussy isn’t just drop dead good, I won’t be thinking about her. That is how I was with Sausha. I liked her tidys and her naturalness, but really nothing else. The pussy wasn’t to die for so when I wasn’t about to get in the ass, I really wasn’t thinking about her too much. Well, I thought about her, but not a “I love her so much” type of thing. Or like with Lauren, it was a “I can’t wait to get back into the ass and bust another nut in it.” I cared about Sausha, I loved her too, but not dreamy kind of love. And I think dreamy kind of love is the love that last. The love I had for Samantha. The love I had for Lynaye that never came to be because she just didn’t let it for some reason. That is probably the problem with most relationships and even marriages; it is not true dreamy love. The relationship is for another reason like sex, money, a companion or friend. Both parties just don’t, to die for, love each other. Most people never find that love. I probably won’t find that love, But anyway.

I cant wait to get into Melonie’s little pussy. I hope she is a freak and introduces me to some ole next shit! She seems like a nice girl, and if all the right things are in place we may last a while. I’m worried about one thing though. She doesn’t have any kidz. She told me that she was on birth control. I think bitches know that once they say that, a nigga can’t wait to bust a big ole wet hot nut in their ass. She doesn’t have a lot of loot. She is working to support herself. She said that she didn’t want kidz right now, and that a woman only gets pregnant if she wants to, but she slipped and said something last night. She told me that she was in a relationship for six years with this guy. They broke up because he started treating her mean. Then she said “thank god no kidz came out of it.”

Me personally I don’t want any more kidz. But see with her it wouldn’t hurt her to have a kid and tell me to marry her or break up with me and get five hundred dollars in child support. So even still and though, when you in some good hot wet pussy, all that logic goes out the door sometimes. I hope I can keep both my headz straight. I forgot to ask Melonie where is her job headed as far as career. Cause like I said I’m tired of messing with hoes who jump from job to job. Melonie seems like she has focus and direction, but with no college degree, what she may be focusing on may be a long shot like my music production career. I’m out.

Jrnl Entry No. 8.27.1999

Here I am at work on a Friday. Today my boss hands me some busy work to do; take check numbers off from one paper and write them on another paper, and not for one month but two.

I can’t believe this shit that I am still doing busy work after two years of working within this bull shit profession that doesn’t excite me at all, not even the money, which has not turned out to cover everything that I thought it would. 

When will I actually learn something. I was doing the same shit at Circle K, basically nothing. I’ve been here a month and what have I learned: how to put together monthly folders’ how to enter in journal entries, and I’ve done a couple of recs. I guess the recs are what they are, basically nothing, not challenging. Well, I was having problems with this one rec but now I have it all figured out. And maybe this is what Accounting is all about , and maybe it is not challenging. I think it is half and half; half the bull shit, and half the challenging stuff. I have just been getting more of the bull shit on my job at Circle K and here at The Italian Job in the two years and two months of my working career.

Looking a couple of weeks into the future, I see that Sausha is going to break up with me again because of our little distance. I’m going to say it one more time to her that she can move and live with me, and give her the break down of how it will be and every thing. If she doesn’t accept it and wants to leave me alone, fine, I won’t never talk to her again or respond to her letters like I did this last time. I told her that I would call her last night. One of two things happened because I didn’t talk to her. 1. She left and never came home before twelve thirty, which was the last time I talked to her. 2. She turned her ringer off of her phone or just didn’t answer it. And I will not rule out number three since I am a realest and believe that anything that can happen may happen. 2. She was out with Teau or someone else, maybe fuckin’, maybe just chillin’ out. Who knows what, but I will never be a fool involved with any bitch and rule out the possibility of her fucking someone else. We are all alike, men and women, and we fuck just the same. BELIEVE THAT!

Eventually I will leave this accounting shit alone an maybe change professions if I don’t make it in the Hip Hop Production ring. I really don’t like this shit; however, if I do make it in the Hip Hop production ring and make a couple hundred grand, I’m gonna buy me some houses in Warren and rent them out. I may just move back there once I make me a nice piece of change and just chill. That is my life plan: make a couple hundred thousand, millions I hope, and then buy me some real estate and chill.

Fuck this work shit, it doesn’t pay. I see no one is gonna pay you what you would pay yourself. My last hope of enjoying work, is to work for a Hip Hop company. If that shit is just like these other companies and I don’t enjoy it, that is it for accounting.

I seen this girl at club S.O B.s. She was slim, petite, light brown skin, a little lighter brown than Sausha. She had natural hair, a little longer than mine. She had on a top that looked like a piece of a stocking that she tied around her to cover her breast. I could see her nipple shining through. Her breast were a little more than a mouth full; I imagined they would be very beautiful standing all alone with nothing on them. Since I’ve been with Sausha, I am discovering how much I like Tidies, just big enough like Sausha’s. This girl, like I said, was petite, and had a nice little cute ass just as big as Sausha’s or a little smaller. It looked nice when she was shaking her ass to the Reggae music. I was going to say something to her, but I thought about Sausha and what I want to have with her and what she wants to have with me, and I just left the place. Now two days later it seems that Sausha is on the verge of another break down with our situation. So I should have talked to her to see the out come. Now I will probably never ever see her again. It’s OK though, another one will come along if Sausha doesn’t want us to go on any longer.

I see many women that I would love to fuck, but I just ride or walk on by. I guess that comes with age or maturity. Some brothers like my frat brother Willenium would have a ball in a town like this, fucking everything. He fucks everything in Cleveland and in Akron, so I couldn’t imagine him here. He is going on thirty and still playing around. He has a baby girl by some chick who is an agriculture analyst. He said he was going to stay with her, but one of her friends saw him out at The Mirage in Cleveland with another girl, and that was the end of that. He got the girl pregnant while we was with his girlfriend of eight years, whom he was fucking around on since day one.

My last time being a ho was summer of 1991; I fucked Cridgette Ronald; Sharon from Atlanta; Jendra Stansfield; Blanch States; Rontisha whom I think was a virgin, Shayla Midori; the one girl from Braceville I forget her name. After that summer I pretty much calmed down. My freshman year in college I didn’t really get to too many people.

I started fucking with that white girl Carmel in like November, and was with her until like the middle of the summer. She kept my dick occupied for a while. She had one of the greatest pussies I’ve ever fucked. Not the greatest sex, but the greatest pussy. I say not sex because she never sucked my dick, she never rode my dick, she never let me fuck doggie style or none of that. But boy, when you lied down in that pussy, it was nice and wet, and she would start working that ass like a wild bull. She would almost throw you up off her the way she worked that ass. And get this, she was kind of on the fat side; not thick, but fat. She didn’t have a round ass or anything like that. She was fat. I don’t know what even led me to start fucking her anyway. Well yes I do. She asked for my number and gave me hers. The first night I went over her house she asked was I spending the night. I didn’t have to work at all for the ass. It was clear I was going to be fucking that night, and from that night on, all I did was fuck; no movies, no dinners, no nothing. Just over her house, over her friends’ house next door maybe, and fucking. No one even knew I was doing her.

When I was pledging my fraternity, I fucked around and got her pregnant. She was thinking of having the baby. I told her I didn’t want her to .She was still going to do it. What can a man do when a woman says she is going to have the baby? NOTHING! Her mom started buying little things and they were getting kind of excited I guess. She asked me one night after I finished tearing up the pussy did I really want to have a baby I said no; two weeks later, she went and got an abortion. From that point on she made me wear rubbers.

Funny; and I’ve noticed with two big girls that even when wearing a rubber, it still felt good and I fucked and came just the same. Well I can’t say its true for big all girls because Rebecca whom I considered thick, her pussy didn’t feel the same with a rubber on. We did use condoms when she stopped taking her pills, but we would put the condom on after we had done the fucking and the sucking and I was ready to come. With Zinky, the same as with Carmel, I fucked and came just the same with the condom on. I guess it was because with Zinky that it was just fucking and she was hot and ready and her pussy was so wet, and I would just sink into all that ass and it just felt good.

Now Zinky had a big ole round ass. She was fat, but yet had a round ass and her stomach wasn’t that big. See that is the thing with me between fat and thick. If your stomach is not that big and moochy, and you have a big round ass, I say you are thick. My friend Burton says it’s fat. My friend Jay Claude agrees with me that if it is thick it’s just more to squeeze and hold on to when you are busting a nut. Now I guess there is some fat that I will fuck if I didn’t have to work on it.

If it’s not that fat and I don’t have to work on it, I will fuck it. But fat like Sweet Tea or Debonay, that shit is not attractive to me at all, and if they whispered in my ear that we could go and fuck right now, I wouldn’t respond. I don’t know why I fucked with Carmel, maybe because I hadn’t had no pussy in a while. Because I remember the night after I crossed into the Frat, this fat white girl whispered in my ear that she would like to fuck me just once. I just laughed and never responded. I had Carmel throwing that good fat pussy on me at the time. I guess I wasn’t horny enough. So I guess to sum it all up, I would have to say that “the right fat bitch would have to catch me at the right time with an opportunity to fuck, and I would secretly do it.” And to sort of speak for all men, “we probably would all fuck just about anything if we knew no would find out and if we didn’t have to work for it.”

I would never have talked to Carmel on my own with the intentions of fucking her. But back to what originally started this fucking fat girls conversation with myself. After Carmel, I pretty much was with one girl at a time from there. There was Toya for about three month; then Rebecca, some white girl I met in my senior year in high school. She came back into my life and we started fucking steady.

Then Lauren, who met me at our Frat Caboret desparately wanted to give me the pussy. I turned it down at first. She wore glasses, had a jerry curl, which played out in 84 and she still had one. She looked too little. I had seen her a couple times before at McDonalds where she worked. She didn’t look like she had much of a body in her work uniform: tidies were small, and her ass looked funny in the pants. At the Caboret, her body didn’t look much better; so I blew her off.

It wasn’t until about a month later at an AKA party that I saw her in a cat suit; tidies were still small, but her ass was nice and cute and round, and that was all I needed to see. I gave her my number, and she called. Three weeks after many phone conversations, I was at her cousin house to spend the night. She lived in Y-town and I lived in Warren. Since I going to school in Y-Town, I told her I wasn’t going to drive to Y-town for a night, drive back to Warren, and then drive back to Y-town.

So I was over there at about ten O’clock to spend the night. I’m waiting downstairs on the couch for her to come down. She comes down in a little mini night gown. I say cool she relaxing for the night; keep in mind that this is the first night I’ve ever seen the girl since that night at the party in the cat suit. I’m calm though. But as we start talking and getting comfortable with each other I wrap my arms around her waist and discover that she doesn’t have any panties on. Popped in my head at that moment, “I told my dick, don’t worry, we’re fuckin’ tonight!” (Biz Markie) So after a little while longer I make my move to kiss her and start rubbing on the tidies and shit and what not. When I make my move for the pussy, she stops me and says, “is this what you do with someone on the first night?” So I say, “we’ve been talking for three weeks, and when I spend the night with a young lady, yes, this is what I try to do.” She said O.K., but the mood was ruined by the interruption, but still I tried to get it up. After a while, I stopped and we went to sleep.

The next time I spent the night, it was on. We were upstairs at her cousin’s house and my dick was hard and ready. I was tearing the ass up nice and she was enjoying it. When we were into it a little while, she told me she wanted me to get it from the back. Oh, I loved that because usually I have to ask to hit it doggie style, and girls usually don’t want to do that on the first fuck because they don’t want to seem nasty. But little don’t girls know that the nastier they make it, the more the guy loves it and will come back for more.

So I hit it from the back and it was lovely, her nice little big round ass plopping down on my dick. When we went back to missionary and it was time for me to bust a nut, I did the pull out routine . She had three kidz and I wasn’t trying to give her another one. She asked me why did I do that, and I said, “you got three kidz. I ain’t tryin’ to give you another one.” She says that she can’t have any more kidz; that her tubes were tied. Strange to me because I was informed by my family of Aunts that you could only have your tubes tied if you were married and had two kidz. She said that was not true. It may have been true, but states probably lifted off of that shit after too many women started having too many kidz and getting on welfare. So now I couldn’t wait till the next time to bust a nut in the pussy, which I think I did two hours later.

I think I’ll start keeping these journals also and write me a book one day on all I can remember and my views on life. I have Sausha to thank for that idea.

It’s close to 5 P.M. time to go home. When I get there, I’ll go straight to Sausha’s house. If she is not there or doesn’t answer the door, I’ll go to Burton or Flynn’s house, or maybe to one of the bull shit bars around town, or maybe over Lauren’s to start fucking with her again. Naw, our relationship went wrong a long time ago. We tried many times to get back, but were never able to. Lauren is out of my life forever. I grew to love her and actually wanted to be with her. But I fucked that up. I don’t regret it. I’ll tell you that story later.

Yeah, like I said, I love Sausha, but if she can’t deal with our situation, she has to move on with her life if that is what she really wants I’m tired of trying to convince her that I love her. My fucking around days are over. I don’t even feel horny when I’m here in New York. I’m saving my dick for her, but I could easily change that. And maybe I should start seeing people because she is seeing Teau and thinking about fucking guys she used to have a crush on over Monday’s house. And for the fact of why she says she was fucking with Thyrck “because she couldn’t let another man hurt her first, it was her turn to hurt.”

I don’t want to hurt nobody. It was never my intention to hurt anther girl when I fucked around on her, I just wanted another piece of ass. Maybe that was Sausha’s motive also, but women are not supposed to talk like that. Any way you put it, fucking around on someone is foul, there is no logic to it. It’s foul but we all do it anyway. That is why our relationship has always been fucked up from that point on because fucking around is foul.

Until she gets stable in her feelings for me why should I be the only one convinced that I am in love and not see anyone else. When she truly loves me, she won’t be thinking about no one else. Since she is thinking about others, and she will execute; I know from when I read in her journal that she was thinking about fucking Thyrck before he went back to jail, and two days later, she did. I’m not gonna sit around and wait for her to hurt me.