Category: Life and Dreams

Jrnl Entry No. 10.3.2003

So I’ve decided to put my own album out. This industry is a trip. No one is willing to help you out to let you in and that is the bottom line. I would say that getting into this shit is like hitting the lottery for a small jackpot, and once you spend that up you are ass out cause most niggaz just get a little money and then go broke in the game. I got good product, so I think, so I’m gonna get a few MCs that I know and get them to record my songs. I’ve been listening to this shit for 17 years, dreaming about getting into it for 15 years, and actually trying to make my dreams come true for five years.

For the five years that I’ve been trying to make my dreams come true, I have seen none to very little results. I got a call back from Black Rob about a beat tape I gave him like when I first got to New York, right around the same time he was coming down off of his “WHOA”, one hit wonder, high. He called me and left a message. I called him back left a message. I called him back and left another message. I approached him on the street about our calls to each other, and I haven’t heard from him since or called him. I’m not calling nobody else who claims to be in the music industry. I’ma put out my own shit and try to promote steady and hard, THE ONLY CHILD! I’ma see if I can get some niggaz to call me. I feel like I know what it takes to make a good album, or I should know from listening to all the albums I have at home, so I’m gonna give my knowledge a go. If my knowledge doesn’t show me any results, then maybe I’ll quit.

I’ve tried everything: handing out beat tapes to rappers with deals (Talib Kweli, Raekwon, Black Rob, Lord Have Mercy, Rampage, Rah Digga, Graig Mack, DJ Clue, Skane, The Hood Fellaz.) I’ve tried to go out and meet people to talk to them to see who and what they know and if they could connect me to anyone. I’ve tried not handing out my beat CDs unless we have a face to face second meeting. I’ve given my stuff to people who work for Bad Boy (Damon Eden, Hen-Roc). I’ve given my stuff to people who work at Violator (Andre Neal). I’ve tried hanging out with so-called rappers who know a lot of people and who get into any club or big party in New York for free (Metaphor, Combination). I’ve tried making a connection with a guy from the town I went to college in, Youngstown, guy by the name of Rufus who had an album out under Chad Elliot and Al West; album called, “Credentials” He works at Ark Angel studio with a guy by the name of Prince Charles Alexander who is a mixer/engineer in the industry and has mixed for Mary J Blige, Faith Evans, Angie Stone, etc. Rufus writes R&B songs. He wrote”Jumpin Jumpin” for Destiny’s Child. He wrote a song for Angie Stone on her second album. He never put me on to anyone in the business. SoI’m through with all that shit.

I am __ years old and I have been dreaming about getting into the music industry since I was __ years of age and that many years is a long time to be dreaming. I’m gonna try to give it one last hard go and if that doesn’t work, I’m quittin’! I will hang up the towel and just face the fact that I wasn’t meant to be the next Dr. Dre or Pharrell of the Neptunes, or Pete Rock, or DJ Premier, or Timbaland, or just any no name album filler producer. I will let the dream die with the thought that, “I gave it a serious try.” Trying is worth something after all, right? I think it is because if you never try you will never know if you could have made it or not. It seems as if I can’t make it, so hey.

It also seems I can’t make it with relationships also. My two relationships with women who had three kids were great it seemed, as if they could last forever. My relationship with a 24 year old with one kid, a good job, sexy, stylish, etc., it is falling apart also. We recently moved in together and I notice that she doesn’t pay attention to me and that she rarely wants to have sex. She often ignores little words or things I say to her. I can say “BOO!”. Instead of her saying, “was that suppose to scare me?” she’ll say nothing, look at me like I’m stupid and go on about her way. I can’t be in a relationship like that. I’m not too worried about it because I still look good, bitches still give me eyes. But what if I didn’t look good, we __ or older and I still find myself not being able to get along with a bitch? I would have to deal with it, but that really wouldn’t be a good situation to be in. I don’t know where my life is headed right now and where I’ll land because it seems that at the rate this relationship is goin, it’s not gonna have a happy ending. But I guess in the end, all will work out how it was meant to be. Right now I’m meant to be in New York, broke, no job, not many friends, no where to go exciting, not too interested in fucking with all these sexy bitches in this city for fear of catching aids because condoms ain’t my thang.

Maybe it’s meant for me to put this album out and the shit blows up. The way I want to do is promote like a big label album with big posters and flyers. I want to promote in Chicago, LA, Detroit, Cleveland, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Buffulo New York, and possibly Canada. Maybe that is my fate. I can remember when I was little around the house in Warren in the Highland Terrace Projects with my two aunts buying and listening to 45s. I think the music got into me from way back then. I guess looking at my life just in general, you never know what is affecting you and how it is affecting you until years down the road and look back on it.

Like now at age __, I’m starting to think that fucking at the age of 13 and having a girlfriend at 14 – 16 and having lots and lots of sex, having a girlfriend at age 17-18 and having lots and lots of sex, having two girlfriends at age 20 – 24 and having double lots and lots of sex, having a girlfriend from age 24 – 26 and having lots and lots of sex. All that sex at such an early age has left my sex drive at this point kinda low I think. My dick doesn’t get as hard as it used to. I’m not excited about it as I used to be. I see all kind of bitches in New York City that I could try to and probably make it fucking around with them, but I don’t have the desire. For the first time in my life being single or having a girlfriend, I turned down some pussy from an 18 year old at that. I didn’t turn down Carmel when she met me at a gas station on Wednesday and I was over her house on Friday night fucking her. She was white and fat. She wasn’t thick. She was fat. I didn’t turn her down though. And it turned out that on her back she would fuck you to death, wiggle that ass around so much, you’d think she was having a seizure. She wouldn’t let me fuck her any other way but missionary. But that was some good missionary pussy. I turned down an 18 year old who I was two days away from fucking if I had hung in there. Many guys don’t start fucking until age 16, 17 and even then they still don’t have as much sex as I did from age 14 to 16 until either they move out of their parents home, in with a girlfriend, or until they are married. Now, I’m feeling the effect of that. But thank god they have created Viagra, a get your dick hard and stay hard pill. I’m not ready for Viagra yet though. Hopefully, if I keep exercising, and keep my blood circulation up, I won’t ever need it. At age __, I started a little exercise program. I started with just running just one lap around a ¼ mile track and stopping for breath and rest. At age __, I’m up to a whole mile straight and I guess the ¼ mile and whole miles will just keep growing and growing.

I have a job interview on Monday with this company of god knows when I sent them my resume. I came to the library to look them up on the internet but the internet is down. I need a job badly right now. My girlfriend Watrina has been nice so far but she won’t be always, especially with my attitude and her attitude clashing against each others. I don’t know what the problem is. We are two beautiful people who should be able to see that we can have a bright future together and we should be trying to preserve that future in advance, but it seems as if we are not. Maybe she doesn’t think that I am beautiful, or maybe she is trying to tear me down or break me down from thinking so highly of myself. Maybe she knows that I have labeled her as my only girl with all the right credentials so she feels she can do what she wants to do and treat me like she wants whether I like it or now. Well she can’t and she will find that out soon enough as Victoria did.

I think Victoria thought that since I had her baby that I was obligated to stay with her, or that I had a new job and was afraid of child support. She tried ignoring me and not giving me sex and you see where she is at. I just don’t respond to that threat of no sex well, and I probably never will. Watrina says I only pay attention to her when I want sex. And so it has been since we moved in together that half the time I have made an advance for it she has turned me down. She turned me down the morning before she was to go on a trip out of town for her job where this guy she thought was gay, whom she eventually ending up liking and going to dinner with him, was gonna be. She got home from her trip and diddn’t have very much to say to me. She got up this morning and didn’t say anything to me. It’s heading toward where we are just gonna be living together and not talking, just sleeping in the same bed or she will sleep with her daughter until I leave. I will try not to leave but I don’t think my ego will allow me to stay with a bitch who seems to be ignoring me. So I’ll see what happens with my relationship.

I’ll see what happens with this album thing. I’m see what happens with life and my future because right now it doesn’t seem to be bright in no aspect. If I didn’t have my daughter, and things were this bad, I’d probably kill myself. But then again, my daughter is a reason why things are this bad so maybe without her they wouldn’t be so bad. And just in case something should happen to her and this is getting read in court: I don’t want my daughter to go away. I love her very much. Sure, things would probably be better if she went away but I wouldn’t have a part in her going away. I don’t wish her away. I’m just looking at the reality of what I think the situation would be if she wasn’t here. I think people would be lying to themselves if they didn’t think about the best and worse case scenarios of their lives with and without their present situations. Like what if you weren’t married to that fat bitch who was so fine and beautiful in her 20s but as soon as the 30s hit and the second kid came along, her ass went south. Now you don’t look at her the way you used to. You are only there because you are used to her, probably too old and fat yourself to get another finer bitch, and you don’t have the power and money to survive child support, alimony and the demands of a hotter sweeter, and maybe younger bitch. And of course, yeah, you love her too. THINK ABOUT IT!

Jrnl Entry No. 6.29.2003

Well, my daughter left New York this morning. We, (her mom andI) were to have a six week summer visitation plan, just as the standard, long distance, visitation agreement says. Janelle, says she doesn’t want to stay that long because when she gets bored, expecially at night, she starts missing her mother. For the most part, she’s fine when she’s here, no problems. But since Victoria wants to be a good mother who listens to her child and plus, she probably has a hard time being away from Janelle we agreed upon 3 wks in June, 3 Wks in August. So it is that, and since, if we would follow the way we’ve been doing things, that would require me to make 4 trips back and forth from New York to Ohio to pick Janelle and my mother up and drop them off; now, when my car was new and I was excited about taking trips in it and driving back and forth from New York to Ohio, thinking I was doing something, mobile, not stuck in Ohio with no life or half a life at best; back, three years ago, taking all those trips was fine. But, New York is my home now. I been here four years, and I hate taking trips to Ohio, and plus my car has 120,000 miles on it.

The plan was Janelle stay three weeks, Victoria come and pick her and my mom up in New York and take them back to Ohio. Just so happens Victoria fucked me out of a week and I only got to spend to two weeks with Janelle. On her pick up mission, Victoria wanted me to meet her an hour outside of New York in Pennsylvania.For one, she picked up Janelle in New York before in Jamaica Queens, so why this time, she ask me to drive an hour out of my way? For two, the hour drive was not a part of the original deal. For three, she’s been dicking me on visitation from the beginning; the first year of Janelle’s life until I went to court; when I first moved to New York until I went to court again; and in 2002, I only seen Janelle a total spreadout, one month the whole year. So fuck her; she has to follow my direction, which she was scared shitless to do, and meet me in New York City to pick up Janelle. Since she was mad, she didn’t take my mom back to Ohio.

I had my FINALl fight with Watrina. We’ve been dating for two years now and every since the beginning, because initially she wasn’t serious and had friends calling her cell phone all the time; over the past two years, she has called her self being serious and has gotten rid of a few friends. But one guy in particular, Thurston, calls her often and tells her about his life and she tells about hers I suppose. This same guy, in our first six months of dating, invited her to Vegas to initiate his killer advance attack to fuck her. She went; she claims she didn’t fuck him; he tried rubbing on her, but she made him sleep on the floor. That could be true, but it could also be true that she fucked him. I rule out neither possiboility. She claims they’ve been friends since she met him on a trip to visit her sister in Kansas City when she was twenty. But this guy, even though she says she told him she don’t feel him that way, he’s just persistent in his effort to maintain a friendship in hopes of fucking her one day; she knows it and I know it, but she still allows this friendship to exist even though, I, the guy she says she’s made a commitment to be with in life, doesn’t agree with the friendship and wants it to end. Thurston called her yesterday while we were at her cousin’s baby 1st birthday party together. He calls most of the time when we are together like when we were at disney world he called. So I ask her, ‘what do I gotta do to get Thurston out of my life?” She says, “stop answering my phone and listening to my messages.” She was making it clear that she is gonna talk to this guy no matter what I think, want and feel about it. I started to ask her what I got to do to get Thurston out of her life, but I rest my case and stood silent for the rest of the day to contemplate can I be with this young lady who is suppose to be serious and trying to build a future with me, but who blatently is disrespecting my feelings on this other male friend issue.

She asked me did I want to see her later that night and I said, “no”. She asked was I gonna see her ever again and I said, “I don’t know.” We rode silent for a moment again and then she ask, “can I make a phone call.” I didn’t say anything. She picks up her cell phone and calls Thurston to talk about his day. I tried to keep my cool. About three minutes into the conversation, I grab her cell phone and throw it out my car window. After her pointing hard on the side of my head and asking why I did that and saying I was gonna buy her a new phone, we were five minutes away from her house and she tries to get her daughter and get out the car. Now, I wasn’t gonna let her do that so she’s fighting to get out the door, and I’m fighting to keep her in. I almost got into one accident. It’s surprising how close you can be to a car and actually swerve and miss it. So we fighting the whole five minutes home. Finally, when we get in front of her door, and I think its over, she grabs my keys. My car was in neutral and I hadn’t put the break on yet. I hopped out the car on the passenger side to go after her and get my keys and the car went rolling down the hill and scrapped the side of a jeep grand cherokee. I have to not pay rent and pay $1,200 to fix that car. I’m already $3,000 behind on my rent. I might be on my way to eviction.

So now I got no girl, no job, no money, soon to probably not have an apartment. Is this what I get for not believing in god? But I’m calm through all of this. I guess  I’ll see how this turns out. I plan on not talking to Watrina anymore. I plan on taking Victoria to court to get our visitation finalized. I had a good interview with the YMCA and they’ll pay $50,000 which is $10,000 more than I was making. I still got my good looks, my good dick and tongue game which keeps any woman coming back like “The Magic Stick”.

My music is not going anywhere, and now is one of those times when I’m losing faith in it, but my music strength and faith will get back up in time. My life to me is better than some, but yet still fucked up to my in my eyes.

Queen and Slim

“This is directed to whoever in listening range / A yo the whole state of thangs in this world bout to change” (Black Thought of The Roots “The Next Movement” Things Fall Apart album, 1999). I say that to say Lena Waithe (screenplay writer of Queen and Slim) has an uncanny ability of bringing across significant, real, Black cultural expression unmatched by nearly all who have come before her. 
Enter: QUEEN AND SLIM
When I go to a movie, I do not like to research what it will be about. When I saw posters pop up in and around Los Angeles for the film Queen and Slim, my first thought was that it was about a drug dealer in the 80s and his girl. As you may have heard my vociferous harangues on “NO MORE JIM CROW: movies, plays, books, television series”; the ad poster alone is the antipode of Jim Crow, so I was all aboard and ready to go see 10:30 PM Thanksgiving night.
You have a beautiful young lawyer with anxiety issues played by Jodie Turner-Smith. You have a beautiful, caring young black male played by Daniel Kaluuya, who loves his family; particularly his father (in a world where Black men aren’t normally depicted as having a proclivity toward family, NOR HAVING FATHERS!).
Queen and Slim are out on a Tinder date because she was bored and liked his lonely lorn looking photo and “I felt sorry for you”, she tells him at dinner. 
After the dinner on the ride home to drop her off is where things get FASTIDIOUS! A bond starts to form, well, for no other reason than, it has to! And from the forming of this bond on this in-fortuitous journey, is where the beauty of the film starts to unfold. 
What began to unfold was, literally a modern age story of Harriet Tubman and The Underground Railroad in the opposite direction, South.  
In the unfolding of this journey, I found myself being shot in the heart with moments of love and artistic expression.
When Queen and Slim arrive at her uncle Earl’s (Bokeem Woodbine) house in New Orleans, a weird (maybe not so weird within the Black Community) back-end family love support connection happens. 
As Queen and Slim are forced to leave her Uncle’s house, just before they hop into their new set of wheels begrudgingly bequeathed to them by her uncle, two modern art paintings (if I was an artist I’d paint them) unfold. 1. The young lady dressed in a tight mini-skirt and rubber rain boots, bending down as Queen’s uncle bids his niece an “I love you” and goodbye outside the car window; the picture of the car, him at the window and the young lady in the mini-skirt bent down, was an aesthetic I found endearing. 2. As the car pulls off, the young lady in the mini skirt rises from her knelt position; she and Queen’s uncle, with their backs turned to the camera, watch it ride off into the sunshine; on cue, Roy Ayers “Sunshine” starts to play as scene music. 
Queen and Slim continuing on their journey, the audience starts to learn, are becoming immortalized and heroic and supported by the Black community on their road to freedom. 
On a stop at a live music bar, a second date of sorts to the first Tinder date; as Slim goes to order a drink, an older female bar tender flirts with him a little. When he goes to pay for the drinks, a beautiful, almost tear jerking, exchange of community love and support happens. 
At the end of the film, the last shot of Bokeem Woodbine, we’ve all (especially men) had that expression on our face at that very moment.
Three problems I had with the film: 1. The dereliction of duty by a Black police officer in the film could have astounding real life effects on the hiring of Black police officers throughout the nation. 2. The actions of the young man from the auto repair shop could continue to fuel police shootings and killings of young Black males in America. 3. THE ENDING; though realistic and highly likely, and emotionally charged, I would have liked to see a different less protracted ending to Queen and Slim’s Journey.
Even with those three complaints; ALL STARS, ALL-GREEN TOMATOES, ALL BLACK EVERYTHING, ACCOLADES FOR THIS FILM: QUEEN AND SLIM! 

Jrnl Entry No. 9.25.2003

So today is my daughter Janelle’s birthday. She is – years old. I called her early this morning just to say Happy Birthday really, not to talk like I usually do. Yeah, I remember when she was born. I thought I had life all figured out. I had a nice job working at Circle K Corporation, my first job out of college which it took me six months to find. I was making $25,000 a year, living with my mother, saving money, shopping a little, etc. I think I saved 5,000.00 in a year. Janelle’s mother went for child support and they awarded her $389.00 a month. She walked out of the court room happy like she’d just hit the lotto, maybe in an effort to try and piss me off. But I didn’t care cause even minus that amount, I was still bringing home more than I’d ever made before. I was still saving. With the decision to become a Hip Hop producer, I bought an ARS 10 Sampling Keyboard for $2,000.00 and starting making Hip Hop songs.

A little after that, my 1986 Oldsmobile Ninety Eight broke completely down and I had to buy a new car. I bought a brand new Chevy Malibu. After the car purchase, with payments and insurance, my pocket was low. At that point, I decided to really work on my move to New York City. I was two years in at Circle K; they had just given me a lateral promotion (meaning more responsibility with no talk of more money). Just as the change was about to take effect, I’d found me a job at this company in Brooklyn called The Italian Job, a mob spin-off legal business. I was making $34,500.00 which was only enough for my needs and bill responsibility; no money left to shop, go out, nothing. After about a year of that shit, I stopped paying my car insurance for a little extra cash, which ended up being dissolved by this new credit card I transferred to for a lower interest rate in exchange for higher minimum payments; $100.00 more a month. That’s what I get for not reading the fine print.

I really was starting to hate my job also, so much so that I stopped working because it seemed as if I was not doing anything important or learning anything. I got fired a week before the Sept 11, 2001 terrorist attack. After that, it took me six months to find another job. There were plenty of jobs out there it seemed; I went on 22 interviews before I finally got hired somewhere, which was at an advertising agency. It was a cool job, no dress code, open-bar on Fridays after work and friendly people for the most part.

I really learned my job after the guy who hired me left and this Italian lady came on board. She didn’t know what she doing so I had to learn the job with her. One thing I understood better than she was the EAS Accounting Software they had. After she and I came to an understanding of all the changes she wanted as far as my work went, she challenged every piece of work I did. When I met her challenges and began answering her questions before she asked them, she made up some bullshit to tack on to the official warning I received concerning my underperformance, according to her standard, and I was fired. I had her all figured out. Told myself, “Just do your duties, ignore her attempts to get on your nerves, and everything will be alright.” Everything was not alright. Now, I’m going on another six months of being unemployed but this time around, there aren’t many jobs out there. The economy is getting weaker by the week. I’ve only been on about five interviews.

I moved to New York to work as an accountant and to try to get work as a Hip Hop producer, neither, especially the Hip Hop production, are working out for me. If I wasn’t living with my girlfriend, I’d be on my way to being homeless right now. She thinks I eat too much salt and butter, and at age –, I’m on my way to a heart attack. I say to her, “what I got to live for?’ She says, “life is a precious gift.” She says that shit because just like me; at age –, she’s making $56,000 on her job; she’s able to take care of her daughter; she shops and buys expensive clothing; she’s doing, so it seems, better than her friends; she just moved from one room in the projects to a two bedroom apartment with nice wooden floors; and she just recently purchased equipment to start making clothing in pursuit of her dream to open a children’s clothing line store called Queen by Queen. She’s young and ambitious just like I was with the world ahead of her with her dreams.

Me, I’m starting to come to reality that my Hip Hop dreams may never materialize. I’m –; I have not a dime in the bank; my credit has gone bad; I ain’t got a job. So yes, what this life is presenting me right now is shit. What the world is presenting Watrina is sugar right now and probably for the future also. So she, in essence, would be saying some shit like, “life is such a precious gift.” Everybody says that shit when they are on their feet. I wanna hear a homeless New Yorker, on the street, in the cold of winter, say that shit. When I hear them say it, on the street, on a cold Christmas night, then maybe I’ll start singing the same song. But hearing that shit from people like Mary J Blige: who has millions of dollars, and has sold millions of records, and is so spiritually fulfilled now that she has a real man, not afraid of her success, who is gonna marry her; my response is, “shut the fuck up witt that bullshit.” Mary J wasn’t singing that same shit when was drinking, smoking, sniffing, and being in a relationship every other year with any male R&B singer who said hello to her. Lauryn Hill wants to accept grammy awards, preaching, “the money don’t matter, God matters.” This after the group she was in sold 13 million records of one album worldwide, making all three members millionaires. After that, three years later her solo album sold about 10 million worldwide, to make her more of a millionaire. When you’re a millionaire, the money don’t matter. When you have a good job making decent money, a beautiful intelligent daughter, and a nice apartment outside the New York City Housing Authority Projects, life is precious. My response to that shit is …….!

PRINCE v. MICHAEL JACKSON 5.24.2016

Michael Jackson “Motown 25”

I think I’ve told on FB that upon hearing of the death of MJ I was in living comatose; a calm shock like I had stepped out of my body – my spirit was in the lounge/TV room at work – while I was actually moving around trying to figure out how to process that information. I finally decided, “GO TO HARLEM TO THE APOLLO“; there I found peace where I was able to cry alone, yet with others rubbing my back while we all sang on 125th St under the Apollo awning. There were reporters, bloggers, t-shirt sellers (I bought one of the REAL MICHAEL JACKSON as a 7 – 10 Yr old kid), people with his album collections, etc. I spent about 4 to 5 hours out there just taking in the scene in bereavement. 

On the ride back to Brooklyn on the A-Train, I was dead silent, still in shock I guess. When I got back to Brooklyn, I was hungry (hadn’t eaten dinner) and I hopped in my car to go to The Farmer and the Deli in Fort Greene, Brooklyn for what I consider one of the best turkey sandwhiches in NYC for under $6.00 (that was then. have not been there in 3 years). As I was riding there, of course MJ was on every radio station. As the songs came on: “I’ll Be There” “Never Can Say Goodbye” “Bille Jean” “Man in the Mirror” I BEGAN SOBBING LIKE A NEW BORN BABY! 

Here’s what I was thinking: “that voice is inimitable, honed from a child to a man with magnificent success; thinking of the height of his success how people, literally EVERYONE, man, woman, child, black, white chinese, was wild, out of body crazy, possessed, by MJ; I myself at the time of its release, sat with the Thriller album with the lyrics sheet, learned and sang every song all weekend long for at least a month straight; the Thriller video (never got those moves down) was such a ground breaking premier and phenomenon; the way MJ sang from his audition in front of Berry Gordy til his last album alive with such passion, i.e. “Heaven Can Wait” on the Invincible album 2001. THAT IS UNMATCHED UNDENIALE SOUL ON A RECORD; NOW, IT’S GONE!!!” And I wept until I couldn’t weep anymore at that loss. 

“Where is all of this coming from, it’s not the death anniversary of MJ, it’s not his birthdate??? Well, top of the morning 1AM May 24, 2016 Motown 25 was on PBS. I happen to catch it when Richard Pryor was introducing Michael Jackson and The Jackson Five. I started to think, “I made it to work the day after MJs death announcement, but if I had come home from the weeping ride to get the turkey sandwhich and found Motown 25 playing on my television, that would have been the straw that broke the camel’s back.” 

In the Motown 25 show, how beautiful brown he was (wish he could have just left his face at that); the way he danced and popped and spun and moon walked; the showmanship in his performance. To this day, I don’t think there is a SINGLE GREATER PERFORMANCE by a soloist than that of Michael Jackson performing Billie Jean on Motown 25. 

To try and bring this essay to denouement, which will become protracted still; my friend Burton and I would have a Prince / Michael Jackson debate; he Prince, me Michael Jackson. I was never able to quite articulate it but I think some 15 to 20 years later I have the panaceas to that argument maybe for all that get ensnared in it (I guess I can’t say that, my opinion is mine alone). 

Why I say MJ was better, because at the time in my provincial thinking of funky beats, soul singing, rhythm & blues proclivity, MJ wins that; even Beat It, Dirty Diana, etc which are to be rock songs, still had a funk / soul / rhythm to them and as I said before, the soul with which MJ laid his lyrics on wax, especially his runs and ad-libs, Prince did nothing of the sort. Add to that, the dancing which MJ always kept funky for you; it appealed to my senses as a Black American brought up on Funk Soul R&B. 

Prince, his artistic expression was eccentric and eclectic. He, as we know, can get funky but it was never expressed on the 2 & 4 beat in the dance moves like MJ, i.e. Billie Jean Motown 25 performance. For example, take the song and video for the song “KISS“, very funky song, but Prince was in the video doing a mix of regular and eclectic type dancing with a female dancer. His varying Rock Songs, with the exception of “Let’s Go Crazy“, at the time, they never appealed to me, and it seemed as if they broke up his albums and made them sort of in-cohesive. Prince has many great hits we all know and love but, back then, to me, his music was all over the creative map whereas MJ sort of stayed in the pocket (a unique pocket nontheless). 

One thing Prince did greatly were his amorous love songs: Do Me Baby, Adore, Insatiable, (is Darling Nikki considered a love song???), Call My Name / On The Couch (both on the Musicolgy album respectively); Just as MJ’s heart and soul – runs and ad-libs – delivery are unparalleled, what Prince did on those particular tracks is HANDS DOWN THE BEST, NO ONE COULD DO IT BETTER, EVER! The tracks “Rasberry Baret” (RB) and “Pop Life” (PL) on the Around The World In A Day album always bring a certain warmth and ease to my heart, from the very first time I heard them back in the 80s, (PL): “what you puttin’ in yo nose / is that where all your money goes….. is the mail man jerkin’ you round / did he put yo million dolla check in someone elses box tell may.” (RB) “built like she was ahh, she has nerve to ask me / if I plan to do her any harm / so look here / I put her on the back my bike and ahh, we went ridin’ / DOWN BY OLE MAN JOHNSON’S FARM“. In those two songs, once again you can see my proclivity toward the funk soul R&B. 

ONE THING PRINCE HAS OVER MICHAEL JACKSON, ARTISTIC CREATION; this damn guy was a despotic, autocratic, megalomaniac, auteur, MUSICAL GENIUS. In these early debates of Prince/Michael Jackson, I could not give Prince’s musical genius proper credit because my ears truthfully only heard and appreciated a third of what he produced; the “Dirty Mind” album hadn’t graced my ears nor sunken in as the masterful masterpiece it was/is. Prince either directly played or personally directed and approved every note on every album/song he ever worked on. Material both released and still in the vaults unreleased IS COLOSSAL! And when we take into consideration Prince’s personal androgynous style which made his star shine even brighter, MAN LISTEN! 

Musically, artistically creatively PRINCE WINS! But on Michael Jackson’s side – though (I think he could play a few chords) he never played a damn thing but maybe his finger snaps (which you must admit on “Rock With You” WERE BRILLIANT) and a tambourine –  he was an auteur in his own right; let’s not forget this was the guy who turned down perfectly great tracks by the hottest producers in HIP HOP/R&B at the time, “The Neptunes (Pharrel and Chad)” which would have undoubtedly made a better album than Dark Child Rodney Jerkins and other producers made out of “Invincible”, as proved by the fact that Usher’s “8701” album and hit singles in 2001 -those were the Neptunes tracks produced for Michael Jackson – sold more than Michael Jackson’s “Invincible” released the same year. 

Though he didn’t play much, – hey I just figured it out (MJ EPIPHANY) – Michael’s ear for melody and hot tracks and how to make a track hot with his voice and ad-libs “Hee, Hee” was his main – used to perfection – instrument, and those indelible stamps were on every record – MILLIONS – he sold, which on a lateral level makes Michael Jackson as great an artist as PRINCE. 

I forgot to mention the Prince Falsetto and the ease with which he went/goes back and forth from Falsetto to Barritone was/is classic and untouched (well, maybe not untouched as D’Angelo kind of licked it a few times on the Voodoo album to great effect), but still Prince is the master of the Falsetto Baritone switch up. 

I guess what I’m saying here is, if one says, “PRINCE IS BETTER” I understand and respect the polemic with which they come. If one says, “MICHAEL IS BETTER”, “I’m like a dog / I never speak / but I understand” (Jay Z “Never Change” Blueprint album, 2001). 

Jrnl Entry No. 1.17.2003

I’ve just decided that I am not working today. We get off at three o’clock in celebration of Martin Luther Da King Holiday. Today is my mother’s – Birthday. She just got out of the hospital for infectious blood, causing blood clots in her pelvic area hindering her ability to walk. She was just in the hospital for two months. I went to see her a month ago and ruined my Christmas vacation days but I guess you have to do those type of things you know.

My Christmas was nothing to brag about. I was invited over to my girlfriend’s house for dinner with her father and her daughter. Her mother was at work and her aunt who stays there was at another relative’s house so they filled the void with me. Any other time I’m not allowed to step foot in the apartment.

My New Years was alright. I met this girl by the name of Evette the Saturday before New Years at a party my friend threw at the Supper Club in Manhattan. She looked nice at the party in black pants and a white top. She seemed as if she was skinny. She is my age or a little older and she is a teacher. I was mad at my girlfriend at the time. She hadn’t called me in like three days. I went to Evette’s brother’s house to a little corny New Years house party. When I first saw her brother I originally thought that he was gay. I came to find out that he was far from gay, but maybe a little in the closet bi-sexual. He had two kids, a boy and a girl, and a sexy ass fiancé. His fiancé was short and light skinned, short length hair, and had a big round ole ass that I was staring at all night.

Evette was all corny looking in some corny jeans, a corny little top with her stomach out which was not toned; not really fat, but just not toned. She was a little heavier than what I originally thought at the club though. She had on some corny sneaker shoes that she may have picked up from one of those $39.99 stores on 125th St. in Harlem. We danced a little at the party and drank a little. At 3 A.M. I left. She must did not like me neither because we haven’t talked again after that night.

I crossed the Tri-Boro Bridge. I gave some white guy begging to pay the toll to take him over the bridge, a ride. I probably shouldn’t have done that. He could have killed me but I took a chance. He just wanted a ride, not to have to take a long train ride to get to the same place right across the bridge.

I went to Astoria Projects where my girlfriend lives and said she’d be over her friend’s house getting drunk for the night. I called her to find that she was at the Project Juice bar at a neighborhood party. I told her that I was coming there. I went and they tried to front and not let me in the door like it was some fancy club in Manhattan. I called her back and told her to come outside since they wouldn’t let me in. She told the guy at the door to let me in. They were charging $10.00 to get in there and I paid it; a free drink came with the $10 entrance fee. I went to the bar to try and get a Hennessy and Remy Martin drink. The guy told me that mixed drinks don’t come free with his stupid ass. He should know that Hennessy cost more than Remy Red so his overhead would have been cheaper if he would have mixed the drink than just give me straight Henny which is what I asked for after he told me that stupid shit.

The party was alright, full of all the hood rats, men and women from the neighborhood. Bonet, Watrina’s friend was there with her, and she was in the mood to dance. She was bobbing her head to the music. She had on this red outfit and was looking corny to me because it didn’t fit her body right and tight, or maybe she just doesn’t have a body like that. When we got outside later that night, I realized that the outfit was an Echo Red velour suit. She had on some blue and white Tims with it and it just didn’t go.

Watrina was in a dancing mood. We started dancing; me, her and Bonet. Watrina left me to go and dance with someone else she knew from the hood. I just chilled in the area where we were standing. I noticed every time she turned around the guy she was dancing with would purposely move his pelvis forward to put his dick on her ass. One time, he was pointing at her ass as she turned around. I didn’t trip. He was drunk, oh well. Another time she danced with another guy and he was doing the same thing when she turned around right there in front of my face. When she got done dancing with him, I told her, “please don’t put your ass on niggaz dicks in front of me.” She was like, “chill, I’m in my neighborhood.” I just repeated myself because I see these corny ass mutha fuckaz pushing their dick out every time she turned around. I didn’t mind her dancing, but the grinding shit had to go. I told her that I could go home if that is what she wanted to do. She went over and started dancing with some other guy. I saw her being a little more careful about him putting his dick on her ass. But I wasn’t really paying her any attention at that point.

I was sitting there chilling and some drunk lady came over telling me how good I looked, that I couldn’t be from around Astoria, etc. I danced with her and she wanted me to grind on her, but I don’t believe in pushing my dick on no bitch ass but the bitch I am fucking. If a bitch turn around and she puts her ass on my dick like this girl was doing, I just dance normal and do my thing. But these niggaz dancing with Watrina were like, once she turned around, running to grind on her ass. Her friend Ney, when she heard me telling Watrina to stop putting her ass on niggaz dicks in front of me, started screaming out, “don’t be the jealous boyfriend, she is going home with you tonight,”

When Watrina saw that one girl grinding on me she came over there to break that shit up. The girl was telling her that I loved her (Watrina) because I wouldn’t grind her ass and I had told her that I was there with Watrina. The night went smoothly. Watrina’s friend Temeace, whom Watrina thinks I like, showed up and we danced a little. There wasn’t but one bitch other than Watrina that I would have talked to in there that night. Some dark skinned shorty with a weave in her hair, a little fat ass, etc. I should have talked to her when Watrina left after our short argument and she went to dance with another guy, whom they were in each other’s ear for a minute.

Watrina does what she does but when I do the same shit she gets mad and bitch about it just like I do. She really doesn’t know how to handle this serious relationship which is what I think we have. But she is learning. I love her and want to work with her to make it work because I think we can have a good future together.

I had to leave her by herself in a club last week. She was acting like she didn’t want to be there with me so I went off by myself to do my thing. She was complaining from the moment she stepped out of the car; about her feet, she didn’t have any money. When we got inside she didn’t take off her coat. She moved from sitting with me because she said she wanted to get out of this lighted area where we were sitting. Maybe she didn’t want somebody, one of her friends to spot her there with me. I don’t know, but I wasn’t feeling at all that she wanted to be there with me. When I came back to meet with her because it seemed to me that she was gonna sit there all night, she was gone. I searched the club for her and didn’t find her. I went outside and called her and left a message on her machine and I went home. She didn’t call me Saturday.

Saturday night Carol Ann, whom I’ve been fucking with the whole time I’ve known Watrina; she called and I went to her house in Jersey and spent the night. I didn’t come home till the next night like 9 P.M. I then went to the TIKI ROOM, this Sunday night spot that is free to get into. I buy me a French Connection “Grand Marnier and Hennessy and I usually chill, talk to a few honey’s that I view as worthy of me stepping to them, and try to meet people in the music industry. This night I met my man Zero and we were chillin’ and talking. He bought me a second drink so I was real drunk after that. I was following this little short sexy dark skinned young lady by the name of Kim around. I probably could have gotten with her but by the end of the night I was so drunk I left and had forgotten all about her, as I did the week before, about this girl from Harlem whose number I thought I could have gotten. She was dark skinned and thick.

I’ve met a few people at the TIKI ROOM. I met Rockwilder there and talked to him about Hip Hop Production. I met Yogi of the one album group, “CRU”. He produced that whole album and I thought it was incredible. I met Pharoach Monche also. I tried to talk to him about getting a track on his album since he said he was working on it. He said it was finished though. They say they are gonna charge to get in the TIKI ROOM next week. It’s a cool spot and I like it so I’ll pay $10 to get in, definitely not $20 though.

I’ve been goin’ out every since the holidays, spending money that I don’t have. My electric is out in my apartment and I am not paying my landlord no money till he fix that shit. It’s been out for a month now. So I’ve been spending the rent money. I’m about to spend this half I got now on a trip to Atlanta for the All Star Weekend. I asked Watrina to send me but I don’t think she is. I guess she doesn’t want to feel like she is playing herself by sending me on a party trip. I told her that I would like to see my father which I would since I haven’t seen him in like 4 years. I’ma have to ask her again.

Watrina spends so much money I don’t see what is wrong with her spending a little on me. She bought me two pair of jeans for Christmas the day after Christmas from The Atrium. She took me shopping with her. She bought herself three pair of A.G. Jeans. I forget the name of the designer, but those are the initials. The jeans cost like $169 a pair. The total bill came up to like $579 and she thought that was cheap. One pair of my jeans cost $40 on sale, originally $79; the other pair cost $99, originally $139. I’ve bought some shirts to go with the jeans and a few pair of sneakers.

I hope Watrina reimburses me or this stuff or pays my rent because if she doesn’t I’m in trouble. She is trying to break up with me for leaving her at the club but I won’t let her. We’ve made love and spent a few nights together since that night. She could be just using me till she finds another guy but I doubt it and if she is, I’ll live. She told me that a guy like me in NY is hard to find, with his own apartment, car, nice job, big dick, etc. She says she know a few guys whose dick’s aren’t the size of mine on soft when they are hard. That shit just blows up my head a little.

Women always complain about finding a good man. I think I am good so I naturally think that any woman should be happy with me. I got many if not all of the qualities that they say they look for in a man. That is why when a bitch don’t do what I want her to do, I don’t talk to her for a few days to let her think about what she will lose if she don’t act right. If she gets too bad, I’ll break out. But I got to cut that shit out especially with Watrina because she is too young to be putting up with that shit and she is showing and telling me that she is not gonna put up with it. But I’d rather just walk away and not talk for a few days than have a big argument and still not talk for a few days. I’m finding out that is a bad way to handle the situation with your partner. If I ever want to keep a mate and I do want to keep Watrina, I better stop that shit.

Boy Watrina has done a number on me. She’s always thonged out. He ass, though it looks flat in some jeans that she wears, is so soft and jello-like when it is in my hands. I love when she rides my dick and her ass flaps up and down on my dick. I just bust a big ole nut and let the feel good out. I like her little cute tidies. We have a good sex life. She ain’t afraid to put the dick in her mouth neither. She licks my ass at times when she is sucking my dick. I guess she felt how good it felt when I do it to her when I lick her pussy and ass hole; she decided to return the good feeling to me. Now I got to work her up to making me cum in her mouth from sucking my dick. If we get married, I told her that I’m fucking her in her ass on our honey moon, or soon after. Now that would be the ultimate sex life without being a swing couple. I can’t let Watrina go because a good sex life; with style, money, not fat and flabby, and who is willing to take care of me, hit me off with some doe when I need it; I’d be a fool to let that go and I’ma hold on as long as I can. She probably thinks the same thing about me so maybe we will make it.

The re-po man is after my car since I haven’t paid my car payment in like 3 months. They called my apartment in Queens. At first I wondered how they got the number, but that was easy because it is a listed number. They still have no clue that it’s me who lives there though. They tried calling my mother saying they had an insurance check for me and could they send it to the Jackson St. Address. So apparently they’ve done a little research and found out where I used to live in the past and present. I don’t park my car in front of my apartment building so they may find it, they may not; if they do that will be fucked up.

It will be good to have the money in my pocket. Maybe I’ll live like a real New Yorker spending the money I would on a car payment and take cabs here and there with some of the money; rent cars to go to Ohio to pick up my daughter, etc. It will probably be a cheaper move actually than paying $342 a month for a car payment. I dropped my insurance two years ago, they are also looking for the car for that purpose. We’ll see if they find it though. If they do, it’s not worth much with 112,000 miles and it’s only 4 years old, so they won’t be able to sell it for much if they do get it back. I’ve gotten my money’s worth out of it; driven to Mississippi, to Atlanta, back and forth numerous times to Ohio and New York.

My finances are all fucked up. I consider myself a failure in life because of that fact. I’m nowhere in life right now; further than a lot of niggaz, but still nowhere to my standard of living. My apartment is raggedy, I don’t have all the clothes I want, I don’t have a dime in the bank, just debt, and that is a fucked up way to live. Watrina I my emergency money, and that shit is not always gonna be there so I better not get too used to it. I’ll get this shit together one day but until then I’m livin’ on the edge trying to get into this music industry and make money which there is no guarantee that I will make a lot of money doing that. All this make me constantly say that life is bullshit. But Oh Well.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.30.2002

So the year is over. My relationship with Watrina is about to be over. We lasted a year and eight months. I guess that is good for her being a – year old who said she didn’t want to be in a relationship anyway. I really dove in with her though. She was my girl. I took her to meet my whole family. I took her on a trip to Florida to meet my cousin/brother Romeo and his wife and kids. Nothing all that bad happened in our relationship except that she talked to a lot of guys claiming that they were friends. I don’t really think that she was fucking any of them, but I’m a realist who will never eliminate the possibility. I’ve been fucking with Carol Ann ever since I met Watrina so whatever she has done to betray me, I’ve done much worse. I was fucking Coffee for about six months of the time. I fucked Sausha a few times in Warren and she even came and stayed a week with me while Watrina was in Jamaica. I fucked three little neighborhood girls on sort of a steady basis for like three months. I fucked Haitie whom I met taking deposits to the bank for my job.

So trust, if Watrina did fuck Thurston who she went on a trip to Vegas with; if she fucked Lamont who used to call her every day; if she did fuck Catcher whom I’d catch looking at her ass on our meetings together because she was his fashion label consultant; if she’s went out with the last guy she gave her number to on the street (the 908 guy); if she fucked the guy she met at her job and told me that she thought he was gay, and the next thing I know he was on her cell phone leaving her a message; if so, I’ve did all the same, so oh well. I haven’t spoken to her in two days. She hasn’t called me and I haven’t called her. If she doesn’t call me by 12 A.M. tomorrow night, I’m calling her the next day and I will say, “this relationship is officially over.” I met this — year old teacher at the Supper Club on Saturday night. So now I have a woman who is older than I am and I will see the difference in the relationship.

I threw all of myself at Watrina and she didn’t do the same. She’s just now starting to show me that she loves me, but this not calling me is not cool. We’ve had two arguments in the last two weeks that have resulted in us not speaking. This last one I thought was cool because I left a message on her phone that it was O.K. I’d make an adjustment in my attitude and we’d move on, but she never responded. Watrina has a bright future ahead of her from what I can tell. She gonna make lots of money and be well off. With a good responsible man by her side, won’t be no stopping her. I thought that man could be me but it’s not looking like that will be the case. My prediction is that she will be pregnant within a year of us breaking up, and trying to make a relationship work with that guy. Good luck to her.

I’m a little scared by our break up but not broken down. I’m not old enough to be trying to save a bitch as if my life depended on it. I still got years left in me before I get to that point. I’ve taken Watrina back at my angriest points and settled and called her on many occasions and apologized to her for the simplest of things and taken her back when she was on my last nerve. BUT THIS IS IT! She has never apologized for nothing that she has done or made me upset about. I’M DONE!

I was out last night with my man Aderale who popped into town for the New Year I guess. He showed up here Saturday night unannounced, which is not bad. I ain’t on that shit really, but maybe he should have called because he traveled here five or six hours. What if I already had visitors or I was out of town. I guess he was just bored and wanted to do something and didn’t care if I was here or not, he just would have went somewhere else I guess. We went to the TIKI ROOM on 22nd St in Manhattan last night. I was politickin’ in there about my music pretty well I thought. I met this producer YOGI who produced one of my favorite Hip Hop albums, “CRU, Da Dirty 30”. Yogi gave me his number so I’ma try to get in the studio with him and check what he is doing and learn the business from him if he lets me. I got a few other numbers of rappers to send my beat CD to for a listen. I saw Pocahanas from Makin The Band. I didn’t know her but Aderale did. I never saw the show. I got her manager contact to get some beats to her. She raps and sings.

I’m not getting down on myself about this music shit. I have a whole new attitude about it. I wasn’t even excited about getting Yogi’s number or whoever else’s I got last night. If it happens it will happen if it is meant to be. That is how Watrina viewed our relationship and now it is about to be over. She never took it too serious I guess all that much so I’m gone. 2003, single to find a new bitch. I met this girl Julia last night from London. I like the look of her. I gave her my number because she said that she didn’t have a phone yet because she and friends moved here. I hope she calls me.

I’m going in debt by going out like I’ve been. As of now, I’m $100 in the hole. I’ll take it out of my rent money since my landlord hasn’t fixed my electrical outlets or hasn’t had them looked at by an electrician. I’m trying to get in contact with this guy who does photo shoots of nude guys for gay magazines. He says he’ll pay $250 per session that he uses you for. Maybe I can make a lot of extra money that way. I seem to have a nice body. I have heard too many times that I have a long big dick so that must be true; so maybe this, taking nude pictures for a gay magazines, will pay off if a big way. If not, I’ll probably just end up disgracing myself. But I need more money and I can’t think of any other way to make a quick $250. It is the only option I have so I’m taking it. I got to do what I have to do to survive and live how I want to live.

I haven’t talked to my daughter in two weeks. Her mom took her down south or somewhere for Christmas and didn’t bother to call and tell me. Maybe she is mad because I keep half the child support sometimes when I need it. I do that because she gets my tax return money. I mean hell, I need some relief from somewhere. Who’s gonna pay me back for when she was being unreasonable and not letting me see my daughter? She’ll eventually get all the money paid back to her somehow.

My finances are getting so fucked up. I had to pay $802.00 to get this lady’s hood fixed after Watrina tried to throw her daughter’s bike at me and missed and the bike landed on the hood of my neighbor’s car, and then she took the bike and broke out my rear car window. In all I paid out $1,300 which came from not paying my car note which is already on my credit report as being late because I don’t pay the extra $55 a month for an insurance fee after I dropped my full coverage insurance because I couldn’t afford it two years ago.

FUCK IT, is what they say, because you only live once right? That is why I fuck the way I do because it is or was my only source of entertainment. With hardly no money to go out and Watrina not being there half the time for me, it left a lot of time to fuck other bitches who wanted some.  I mean “I ain’t married right?” Isn’t that the statement to shove off the guilt of cheating on someone? SO FUCK IT! I just hope this behavior doesn’t carry over into when I do get married because that will be trouble.

I hope this music shit or something comes through for me with a nice size check in the next year or two because I sure need it. If not, I guess I’ll live like most, with fucked up credit and no money, moving from job  to job for a higher salary of thousands, of which I’ll only receive a few hundred because of taxes.

I tell you, life is bullshit. They say even with all the money problems solved, you still have problems, so when does it ever end; when you are dead? Makes you almost want to kill yourself to think about it. Fuck that, I got to have a win situation in life somewhere in the future. Everybody lives for a better future. I live for a better financial future, a better relationship future, to accomplish my music dreams in the future.

What am I living for today when I think about it? I guess I’m living to get home and relax. I’m living to get home and cook me a chicken dinner. I’m livin to get to Justin’s tonight to maybe meet more music people or meet a nice young lady. I’m living for Watrina to call me and ask what is wrong and how can she fix it. I’m living for the next time, which may be tonight, to talk to my daughter on the telephone. That is about all I can think of. But living for those things, am I happy?

I guess they all will make me happy, but I don’t feel they will make me as happy as being in the studio with Yogi recording a Black Rob song for Bad Boy Entertainment, or being a mid to big name producer in the studio with my second greatest rapper of all time as of now, NAS. KRSONE holds the crown for his 15 years of rockin’ his genre and generation. Tupac and BIGGIE haven’t gotten that time in so they don’t get a crown. I’ve already discussed that issue so it’s dead just like they are.

I have an open mind about the future at times, but most of the time I am pessimistic about it. I’m pessimistic about life: my wife will cheat on me and me probably on her; a divorce is possible if I get married; I may not make it in music; I may not get anywhere in this accounting career of mine neither; I don’t see a prosperous future with minor or major riches. I don’t know man I don’t know, but I’ma KIM (Keep It Movin) That I all any man can do. KEEP IT MOVIN!

Jrnl Entry No. 9.27.2002

Watrina is getting on my nerves as of late where I’m thinking to just let that shit go and chill. She doesn’t really care about a relationship. She is just goin with the flow of things. I’m about to get on that shit also. I’ve limited my calls to her and my asking her to come and visit me. The past two weekends that her daughter has gone with her father, we haven’t spent them together. The first time because I had Haitie over my house spending the night at my house for a second night to dig the ass out, and what a nice thick, round ass it was. If she had a better job, she’d be in the running to take me away from Watrina especially since Watrina doesn’t seem to care about our relationship all that much at times.

I’m always getting upset, or telling myself to chill about some shit she is not doin’ to my liking. She is just not sweatin’ me enough that’s all it really is and I don’t like that. She seems as if she doesn’t care if I stay or go and I don’t like that. And all she does is fuel my insecurity about her passion in and for this relationship, which is why I got other bitches.

As far as my job goes, I’ve gotten better at it in the last three months. My new boss has shown me some things, or rather I’ve revealed some things to myself in the absence of Laudi. He knew everything so there really was no need to go searching for things like I’ve had to since he left. If you ask me, he was a hindrance to my progression here at the company.

So now at the same time while I kind of like my new boss, she is getting on my nerves. She is diggin’ into old shit and wants me to find the details behind it so that she can clear it up. And granted, that is her job, but damn, slow down, get into the groove of the basic job before you start diggin’ into other shit. She wants to change the process of how everything is working around here all the way down to the computer software that we use. Like for journal entries, she wants a description line for every item in the journal entry. I told her it doesn’t work like that but she wants to see anyway and look into it to see if she can make a way or find a way. I’ve been working with this system for six months, and you have been working with it for one month. I don’t know everything about the system, but I do know that little bit because I tried it due to the fact, just like her, I was able to do that task with the journal entries at another company. In a way I need to be like her and dig into my job like that. She is a little bug-a-boo I tell you man. And she is short too, which makes it worse.  I guess her detail oriented-ness is fueled by little man’s syndrome. She is little so she has to make up for it using other things like doing her job as detailed and perfect as possible. I know she is just trying to do her job well, but at times she gets on my nerves asking for shit.

Everybody seems to be leaving this job. In the last year since 2002, the guy whose place I took, left; my old supervisor left; this cool white guy who was an accounting manager of some sort, left; the AP/AR manager is leaving; and Shaleece is leaving. Like I said, I’m tryin’ to stay for five years and then leave if the money is not right, but if they make the money right, I’ll stay a little longer. But knowing these sucka ass companies like I seem to, by five years end, I’ll probably only be making $50K when I’ll want to be making $60-$65K, and Watrina will be making millions with her clothing company or $80K at her job if she stays there.

I gave the executive in charge of producing commercials a sample CD of my music for possible use in a commercial or two in the future. My guess is that nothing will come of it even though she is talking all optimistic to me like maybe I’ll get my music in a commercial sooner than I think. She mentioned something to me about working for a productions company when I handed her the CD. I wonder is she talking about part time or full time, and if she knows I’m a fulltime salary employee here at this company and I won’t leave my job unless I got a$500,000 advance in my hand and then maybe still not. She, like everyone else probably thinks I’m some young punk who is running around trying to find his place in life. I’m only trying to find my place in the music industry, every other place I pretty much have in order.

Man I look so young. I am – years old and these people around here are telling me I look — to –. This girl said to me that she never would have thought I was older than she, and she is –. She says I better start acting more mature, which I don’t know what she means. She don’t even know me, so I think she is goin off of my baby face alone. I mean how much more mature can I get? I got a full time career job, I got my own apartment that I cook and clean in and pay my rent on time every month. I got my own car that I pay for every month. I got women of all ages. She said that I run around here acting silly, laughing and talking loud, and that is not the case. The gay guy, Gaylynn is silly and loud all the time, way more than me and he is 38.

I don’t know what it is. I’ve grown a little mustache and a goat- t. I dress up in nice casual clothing occasionally, I keep my hair trimmed and shaped up, but yet, I can’t get over these people labeling me as a – year old. But I ain’t worried about it really too much because I have a main woman, and I pay my bills and have a place of my own to live so fuck what they think as long as I got pussy, food, clothing, and shelter, THE FOUR ESSENTIALS OF LIFE! I have no complaints except for being kind of broke, but everything else is peace.

I was so lonely when I first moved here it wasn’t funny. I was jacking off twice a week to fulfill my sexual desire, now I’m having sex four times a week, so that part of my life is great now. I make more money on this job, but my bills are getting higher. My gas and light bill are higher right now due to my mom and Janelle and Aderale staying with me for a month. I’ve also noticed that I leave lights on more than I used to so that is also a problem. My phone bill is getting higher from Watrina and me occasionally dialing *69. But soon, I’ll have all in check. I’ve started a savings plan of $50 a month, which I’ve done for the last three months.

I’m gonna combine that money with a skipped car note and get me a CD burner because Medeline hasn’t been there for me to make CDs. I don’t know what is up with that nigga. He has been acting funny lately. It’s almost like he don’t want to be cool with me anymore. I told him that Watrina wanted some of his CDs to give to people that she meet and he hasn’t given me any. I told him I wanted to do a CD with him and his man and me to give to the lady here at my job for the commercial music and he didn’t return my call. I’m tryin’ to help the dude out and be down with him as well because I think he has a talent for this producing thing. But if he don’t want to be down with me, I’ll stop calling him.

In fact I’m about to stop calling everybody. No one calls me so I ain’t callin’ nobody. I seem to always want to think of my friends and call them to see how they are doin’, but no more. I don’t get a call from a friend, a friend won’t get a call from me. Niggas don’t think about me so I won’t think about them. I guess it’s time to move on with life and stop tryin’ to keep old high school ties and old college ties. Like with my friend Rally Wallsworth. I’ve known this cat since Kindergarten. I’ve called this cat many times over the years but never has he called me once since we been out of high school and he had been at Ohio University for school. He had this girlfriend up there and they were together like 5 years and then she broke up with him. She was a good girl, the kind you marry and cheat on because she is not sexy or freaky enough but she holds down a good job and will be a good mother to your children. She dumped him for this older guy who was in Med School. I guess she was looking for a more stable future than Rally could provide because he was barely making it through college, paying for it on his own, and due to a child support bill taking his money for a kid he had by some other chick while he was with his girlfriend when they had been together for like 2 or 3 years at the time and she forgave him for that shit I guess. But anyway, if I don’t talk to him anymore I’ll see him in Warren on a holiday or something one day and we’ll hug and talk, but fuck that callin’ shit. If you don’t call me, I ain’t callin’ you.

WAS THERE A TIME YOU HAD A BAD BOSS? IT WAS 2002, PEOPLE STILL WERE NOT CALLING PEOPLE! WHY DON’T FRIENDS AND FAMILY CALL EACH OTHER?

Jrnl Entry No. 5.31.2002

It is after the fact of the trip to Florida and like I said, Joanie, while cute, was looking corny. Eunice was only dressed a little to go to the beach, and looked alright in her linen mini skirt.

When we got to the beach a little shit hit the fan. Joanie and Eunice, and Watrina all had on two piece bathing suits. Eunice had a wrap around her stomach to cover her little pouch and stretched marks. Joanie had on a high rise bottom that covered half her stomach. Watrina had on a low rise bottom with the strings tying on the sides.

Everything was going smooth on the beach. It was a little cloudy out there and it started raining for a little bit. But after a little while, the sun started shinning. Watrina had some sun tan lotion with her and she asked me to put some on her back and legs. I proceeded to put it on her back and she told me to undo her string and I did, no harm no foul, her breasts were on the ground. So while I’m undoing her string, Eunice looks at us and says in a funny manner, “what the hell is y’all doin?” We didn’t see that we were doing anything out of the ordinary because women undo the back of their bathing suits all the time to get a little sun on their backs at the beach. We even saw a few other women doing it.

So Eunice starts telling Romeo not to look at her and this and that, which I thought was also a joke. So Watrina is laying there and everything seems to be fine. I was sitting by Watrina at one point and I decided to move in the circle where everybody else was conversing. As I move over there by my cousin Romeo, Eunice tells Romeo to turn his chair around; she don’t want him giving Watrina any attention and she was serious because she told him twice and she said in the air, “I don’t’ know why she doin’ that shit.” And then she turns to me and says, “And …., I’m telling you that you are gonna respect me at my house and my family. No public displays of affection.” I hadn’t heard that since high school senior year. I figured that she was just jealous because let her tell it, Romeo never touches her. So I just says “alright” and turns my head and sing, “Lord help me forgive him I got some issues” (Jay Z). Eunice has issues I know, so I just left it alone and didn’t even say anything.

As we were leaving the beach, Eunice says to Watrina, “I have to talk to you young lady about woman issues” Obviously talking about the undoing of the bathing suit top strap. When she was saying it she said in a fun way as if it was really no big deal. Later on that night while everybody was home Watrina didn’t want to socialize with anyone and she didn’t tell me why and that made me upset. After me bitching at her about it, she tells me that she didn’t feel good; she felt that she didn’t have anything in common with the older married people, so we never made it outside to the pool with everyone else. She told me when we got back to New York that she wasn’t gonna socialize with someone (Eunice) who thought she was trying to seduce her husband.

So me taking my sexy younger girlfriend on the trip caused a little slight disaster, but nothing major. There weren’t any big heated arguments about it or nothing; it was just a little issue. When I got to work Wednesday, I emailed Eunice that I had a good time. She e-mailed me back saying that she thought I was gonna curse her out. I told her that she just over-reacted about the bathing strap on the beach. Why did I say that? It started a whole chain of e-mails between she and I defending our position on the issue. The chain of e-mails caused my cousin Romeo to get mad at me because Eunice was turning my standing up for Watrina into a personal issue with him and how he behaves toward her.

I think the relationship between me, Romeo and Eunice was damaged a little by this incident. But it doesn’t matter. I try not to depend on anyone and stand on my own two. They helped me out in a time of need when I got fired. Romeo was supposed to be send me $100 a month for like three to four months, but I actually only received one $100 check. They sent me $800 as a pay advance because I wasn’t getting paid for a month and I needed the money to tide me over. As soon as I got my check I mailed them the $800. So if the bridge was burned in that respect, to me there wasn’t really ever a bridge to start with.

EMAILS:

ME 5.31.2002 9:47 AM: You over reacted and are over reacting: “She’s disrespecting her own worth. She took her off top in FRONT OF Romeo while he was taking pictures. She had to go home with us. (I didn’t know trying to get sun on your back was such a slutty act). You don’t have to take off your top to get attention. Would you want your daughter to do that on the beach?” Are you hearing yourself?

As if you, Romeo, or me saw her bare tidies out on the beach. Did you, because I didn’t? I guess some time while I wasn’t looking, she turned around and smiled at the camera flashing her breasts at everyone. Women take the strap of their bathing suit loose all the time on the beach and lay face down, NOT EXPOSING THEIR BREASTS TO ANYONE! I don’t see a problem with it, so if my daughter did that, I wouldn’t mind and I’d still think she was beautiful and be happy to have her riding home with me.

The sun was shining at times but not a lot, so in your over reaction you can use the “no sun” excuse to hold up your insecurity about her being younger than you, having a better body than you, and being around your husband with her back out. If it makes you feel any better, I took a few glances at you in your bathing suit and you didn’t look bad.

And you answered the “does she do it often question yourself.” There aren’t good beaches around and in New York, people do other things and most of us don’t think about goin’ swimming on a beach or sun tanning. That’s like asking women in Cancun do they sun bath often, so why are they doing it there?

I never grabbed her bare breasts in front of no one, especially not on the beach, and especially not in front of Conotry.

Maybe we shouldn’t come back together, if we even stay together, until she has her second bady like you and Joanie, and has a little more fat hanging out of her bathing suit bottom.

And it is also an issue of different views on different things. I know and been knew that I and probably Romeo is a little bit more liberal than you. In my liberalness, people can do what they want when they want. It’s only disrespect if it is directed directly at ME. If she took her top off right in front of Romeo’s eyes and he saw her bare tidies, nipple and all, then that would have been disrespect to you, me and Romeo as a married man. But it is just my liberal view and opinion that her breasts were on the ground at all times when she took her top off. AND A BREAST IS NOT REALLY A BREAST UNTIL YOU SEE THE NIPPLE! DID YOU SEE HER NIPPLE?

We could go on and on. To end this, she probably won’t want to come back and if she does she and me will make sure that she doesn’t wear anything with her back out. I guess the shirt with the chains in the back with the tight jeans was a little much also huh? Too much skin showing? Like you said about money, she got it like that. And though Romeo is a handsome man, I think she respects the fact that he is married with children and is my cousin. Maybe you are telling off on yourself as a woman, like you said, about how scandalous you are, were, or could be.

EUNICE 5.31.2002 10:47 AM: See Romeo, how ….. is standing up for his GIRLFRIEND, even if it means insulting his favorite cousin’s wife-who allowed you to send him money at will, loan him money at will – see how he’s like “fuck everyone else when it comes down to her?!!!” I wish I had a prince charming like that.

ROMEO 5.31.2002 11:29 AM: ….., Stop writing emails about this subject or anything close to it to my wife. This is enough. This is affecting my personal life and I don’t like it. Stop it, stop it, stop it! If any more emails should come my way concerning this subject I will take it personal and will handle it in that manner. Now I said enough in the last message I sent out and I’m not going to send out anymore saying enough. Eunice, You stop also. The views you should be concerned with are those in our house. ….. is no longer here. Let him be. Leave it alone. Everyone’s thoughts have been aired. Enough!!!

Everyone who spends a little amount of time with Eunice can tell that she has major issues with life. Romeo said that she had a rough life coming up. He didn’t go into detail about what that meant but I can tell from how she acts. I think her life with Romeo, the two kids, the business, the success, the new houses, etc. is what holds her together and defines her. If she lost her status so to say, she’d break down I think.

The new house! Let’s talk about the new house! This house is what I was expecting last time. The new house is bangin! From the front door, you have a living room and an office and their master bedroom with a big master bath, with bath tub and a stand-alone double shower with double shower heads as to take showers together without actually having to share the water. Then, you enter the kitchen which is of good size; off from that is the entertainment room with the big screen T.V. on the wall. They have soft plush, butta leather furniture. Then off from that room is the kid’s game room. It had a mini pool table, a ping pong table and a mini air hockey game. That room also had a bathroom with a nice size shower, but no tub. Then, coming back through the entertainment room, you go into the back where the kids’ rooms are. And in the middle of their rooms is a shared bathroom with double vanity sink and mirror separated from the tub/shower and toilet. This bathroom also serves as the main bathroom I think for guest. Then you have the wash room and the three car garage. Then back to the entertainment room, on the other side is the patio outside with the in-ground swimming pool. The swimming pool is kind of small though, but it’s a refreshing pool none the less. And of course all of this is housed in a screen to keep the bugs out. Then outside of the patio house is the full tennis court which also serves as a basketball court as well, with break-away backboards. They probably should have housed it in a screen also and put a light out there, but they didn’t think of that or ran out of money.

It’s a beautiful home; one I wish I had. I don’t see how I’m gonna get one with my life. I have a smart girl in Watrina but she is young and spends money frivolously right now. Though I would like my Hip Hop music career to get me in a house like that or better, that is a dream and you never know when dreams are gonna come true. I’m a strong independent young man, taking care of myself pretty well. Who knows what the future holds. I hope something good for me…….

WHEN WAS TIME YOU WERE AROUND SOMEONE ACTING OUT OF INSECURITY CAUSING A GOOD TIME TO BECOME A BAD TIME?

Jrnl Entry No. 5.21.2002

Reflecting on this bullshit we call life this morning. I got a trip planned with my cousin Jeff and his wife Joanie to go to Florida to see my cousin Romeo and his wife Eunice. My girlfriend Watrina is coming along with me. I’ve been seeing her for a year now, and besides her having friends for all I know, that she could be fucking at any time, everything with us is kind of alright. If we can get passed the friend thing then we will be fine; I am more calm about her friend situation that I was six months ago.

Like this past Sunday her friend Thurston, some older man who is her nieces godfather, called her on her phone all night leaving messages about how he misses her and how he wish he could lay next to her and this other bullshit. She maintains that they are just friends; that he slept on the floor when she went to Vegas with him, and that he is just a lonely man. He called her five times during the night. Some other guy also called who she says is her friend and he works at a restaurant and she ate lunch there for free and he served her and her friends especially. He called asking her why doesn’t she respond to his calls, and said he wants to put a smile on her face like he did at lunch that day. She claims he is a married man.

She has an excuse for every nigga that call her talking some shit except for that maybe she fucked them or has plans for fucking them. She says if I think this about her that I shouldn’t be fuckin’ with her then. My take is that people do things and you can’t stop them. The real of life is that no nigga or no bitch is above giving their pussy or dick away to someone else while in a relationship; hell, even marriage. So if shit is constantly popping up, you might as well think the worse. That is just my way. Fuck being optimistic about the shit. Cheating, while bad, is really a small thing, once it’s done, it’s done and can’t be reversed, but it can be lived with for one or so incidences. But if the shit happens repeatedly, then fuck that bitch or that nigga because they are disrespecting you as a person, and as the person whom they say they want to be in a relationship with.

Watrina also tells me that she will fuck Colbert if we are not talking for a few months or so. She says they used to fuck and I guess she likes him; says he is a ladies man. I don’t know why they stopped fucking around in the first place. She also got her boyfriend Mique over my head who is prison serving 25 years to life. Who says if that nigga pop out of jail, she won’t fuck him. All this just increases the possibility that I will fuck around when the time comes. She also maintains that she will cheat in a relationship other than marriage. I can tell from being with her that she’s only part serious about this relationship. This Chinese horoscope thing says that I shouldn’t fuck with her because she is not gonna be nothing but trouble. I see that, but I also see happiness so I’ll chance it. I’m only getting married once like I’m only having one kid. So if my marriage fails, and my dream to become a Hip Hop producer fails, I told Watrina I’ll just live the life of a recluse, alone and stop all contact with my family except my mother and daughter.

I’m getting better at my job, but I still suck at it. I’ll see this month if I can work this cash reconciliation out without the help of my supervisor. I’m having trouble billing clients in the system, but I’ve semi-figured that out. I have to have my boss check it out and if it is a go, then I’m fine with that.

I’m kind of lost with this music shit also. I don’t know where to turn with this. I got tracks, but what to do with them I don’t know. No one seems to want to even lead me in any type of direction with this shit. All anyone can say is that your tracks ain’t hot enough, which I don’t believe that shit. I’ve been listening to and making this shit in my head for 15 years and I know how to make it. The mutha fuckas who tell me that my tracks ain’t up to par are just those trying to discourage me, to weed out the weak; the shit is light weight working, but I’m crawling slowly not at a complete stop.

I hate the future because the shit is so uncertain. I could get fired again or laid off and I am not prepared for that. I like this job and want to excel at it, but who says that this job is not gonna lose some of its clients down the road and not gain new ones? Everything is a toss-up and that is fucked up. From job security to love relationship; my bills are all fucked up. I had to sacrifice a few bills to pay for this trip to Florida. Watrina is probably gonna try and pay for the whole trip for me and her and her daughter, but I’m gonna take $300 with me and I’ll probably spend it all. I’m planning on getting drunk from the time I hit Florida to the day when it’s time to drive back. I’m gonna enjoy myself on this trip. Enjoy having Watrina there with me.

I know everybody there is gonna be dressed all corny. Watrina and I are gonna be like out of place looking like city slickers and shit. Jeff and Joanie will probably be wearing matching outfits and shit. Eunice is a toss-up; she may not be looking that corny especially since she saw how Watrina does it. I know Romeo and Eunice’s friends are gonna be super corny. Like the last time I was there, Eunice’s friend Leafette was on a casual day, had on some Polo jeans and that shit is so played out. I can’t even say that she was trying to be that fashionable, it was a baby birthday party. It is really ridiculous how New York style is so different from any other place in America. You have to be here for a year or two and then go to another city to really feel the effect of this. I used to visit here for a day or two and go back home and everything seemed cool, not country as everybody calls where I’m from. But after staying in New York for two and half years, I see what New Yorkers mean when they call our accent country and our style of dress outdated. See living in Ohio, we call Mississippi and Atlanta country by way of their accent. But since I’ve been staying in New York, I’ve noticed that in Ohio we do have an accent and it does sound a little country.