Eunice 3.1.2006 MARRIAGE DRAMA!

Mrs. Eunice,

What is going on? Let me give it a few guesses. Romeo is not showing you enough affection. He works, gives a little, or more than a little, or hell, no help at all with the kids. (I don’t know, I’m not there.) He tries to maintain his health, exercises, etc. He’s trying to do well at his job, to be somebody in the company with status and a larger paycheck. He’s helping you out with the stores and you both are working on strategy to open more stores, or sell them; stack that money for retirement, kids’ college education, or invest it in a new line of business.

Now for some reason or another, you two do not communicate well. You two had or have trust issues. Have you ever found some blood and cum sucking, home wrecking tricks’ number in his phone? If he doesn’t talk to you, I know part of the reason why. Eunice, when I first met you, you did not leave me with the greatest impression. It was in Billings, Montana; you were wining and complaining about not having anything to wear out, and how Romeo had talked about this pair of jeans he suggested you wear. They were fitting and they looked nice on you; Levis, I think they were. The next complaint was at the function we went to and three other couples were at the table. I think it was a Tyler Perry Play, or something similar. You were complaining because he was trying to split his attention between you and I; that he wasn’t hugging you and holding your hand.

Let me tell you something about men. All of that complaining and lamenting about things small as a grain of salt causes nothing but a shut down in us. If you wanted his and your hand to connect, why didn’t you grab his hand? And even when you are doing something and it seems like your man isn’t responding the way you want him to, he may be responding in a different unknown way. Like say for example at the table if you had grabbed his hand, and he may not have acknowledged the fact, but kept on talking with me; would he be ignoring you? On the surface and to a certain type of woman, it would seem so. But in reality; internally, and to another type of woman, he thought to himself, “I love my wife; I love the fact that she wants my hand in connection with hers, and she took the silent initiative to make the connection. I Love Her! I’ll have to return a similar gesture to her, or even a greater gesture in the near future.” That certain type of woman I’m talking about is beautiful and she knows it. She’s confident in herself, in her situation.

At that point in time, you were younger then, had no kids; both you and Romeo had good jobs, making good paper. You were saving to purchase your first home, and to accomplish what you have right now. You two probably have more to accomplish, but you are about to fuck it all up; throwing static in the plans. That’s right, YOU!

Let me break this down for you as to why I am saying YOU! You new age independent bitches have gotten the patriarchal hierarchy of the family structure twisted. You are forgetting that you are the right hand that washes the left of your man and keeps him clean. You are the back-bone that keeps your man standing; for without you and your support, he is and shall be crippled and paralyzed. You are supposed to walk behind your man to watch his back. But now you want to walk side by side. And guess what, we men are cool with that. We don’t want you to be peons and ponds in the game. We want you to be that queen by our side on the throne. But you women these days are trying to be the damn king and/or beat him at the game running the kingdom. You are not trusting the king, his judgement, criticizing his decisions, and puncturing his spirit. You mock the king, and in essence, the kingdom which was under his rule, begins to, and eventually will crumble. You are destroying your king and kingdom which YOU helped him build and maintain. You are not trusting your king because you are listening to peasants whose kingdoms are half the size or even smaller in size than yours, tell you stories of what other kings do and have done; therefore, your king MIGHT be doing them also. But before you buy into what the peasants are selling you, stop and think that they may be trying to see your kingdom fall so theirs can look better.

There is something else; I know you have a competitive spirit, and you and Romeo both speak in terms of, “I wish I was you, you got it good in this relationship or in this life.” What the hell is that? You have been married for 7,8,9, 10 years. You both should be moving in one direction: He gets a raise, you should be happy and joking, more money and shopping for you. You get your MBA, “let’s celebrate, my baby is intelligent, beautiful and no slouch in the bedroom neither.” You need help with the kids, he got you in that department You need help with the stores, he got that for you. He has to work late, you got home ready for him when he gets home. In a marriage, you shouldn’t be that competitive and causing tension by always trying to compare and exploit the flaws of one another. Yeah, so you will always find flaws in someone, but if it really bothers you, ask your partner to correct the flaw. But maybe you two are past the point of logical communication.

I know in this past relationship with Watrina, I talked and tried to work shit out with her more than with any other girl. I was in love for the first time since twelfth grade, but because of her youth, talking to other guys, seemingly ignoring our attempt at serious communication to fix problems; things going back to the same cycle a month after our talk; doing the, “get out” act twice before this last time, and doing stupid shit trying to spark ire and jealously in me that I ignored; last year, I loved her less and was at the point of not caring to communicate with her. By the time she threw me out this last time, due to her insecurity and accusation of me cheating, and trying or rather disrespecting issues we had talked about previously, I was completely out of love with no need to talk. I’m gone, do not miss her and have no thought of going back. So due to her drama and bullshit, sort of like what you have been giving Romeo, I went from – “she’s smart and intelligent; she has a good job making good money; we could build a nice future together and make some business power moves; her daughter is smart (may be a famous entertainer some day); her daughter and my daughter get along well; she is caring, giving and kind hearted; she is beautiful and our sex is electric and very pleasurable;” – all of those feelings and thoughts to FUCK HER! I have no feeling or longing for her; no love left for her, all because of the same drama, distrust and grief you give Romeo.

What, this is like the third time I know of that he has left his house to spend a week or two elsewhere. Soon enough he’s gonna take the hurt and he is gonna stay gone; work out visitation, money, give you the house and wait for the divorce to go through, take the alimony and child support hit and that will be that. You are working your way to that point.

I talked to him and this time around there was exasperation that I never heard before when talking about this situation. And maybe you’re a little weary also of him and his actions and/or non-reactions to your problems. If you find him and/or he finds you to be that cantankerous of an individual, then you both need to be adults and come to the decision mutually; you are not ultimately compatible, and this shit is not good for your kids especially Conotry.

I thought I was on my way to marrying Watrina just as you think you are gonna stay together and work it out through all of the continuous drama because you are compatible on so many levels, but if you are not ultimately compatible, as Donnette and I were not, one of these drama episodes of so-called separation is gonna be THE END!

Eunice, you are beautiful; you have a beautiful husband’ you have a beautiful home; you have two beautiful children and two beautiful cars. Now what’s fuckin’ with that? YOU ARE !

Take it from me, if Romeo is not responding to the drama, it’s not another woman, it’s best for a man to ignore that shit rather than scream and holla and stress.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.4.2004

Life has landed me in Morrow Georgia about 20 minutes south of Atlanta. I left N.Y. in a hurry, maybe too much of a hurry. I found an ATM card of this guy who has either fucked my ex-girlfriend or he is just persistent in his efforts to be her friend until he gets her in the right place and time to fuck her when she has her guard down. He paid for her a Hawaii trip two years ago, and she claims he slept on the floor, which I highly doubt. I found one ATM card of  his a month ago and I left her for three days. With this second card, I think I’m gone for good.

I kind of think she wants me gone. We’ve argued about this guy Thurston since the Hawaii trip. I seriously expressed my dislike and comfortlessness (not a word) and she seriously has discarded my feelings on the subject. So maybe this was her nice way of or round about in-direct way of getting me out of her life. Well, when a bitch wants you gone, you can force yourself through the bullshit and stay or you can just leave. I chose the ladder; no crying, asking why, no tearing up shit, just pack ya shit and leave.I’m having small thoughts of going back, but I can’t trust her to leave this guy alone, and I’m not dealing with that.

So I’m in Georgia now, I’m thinking to find me a beautiful, thick, big booty, dark to brown skinned girl, who wears her own hair, to love. I’m thinking of starting a long distance relationship with Shakira, she’s my cousin Carla’s 1st cousin on her father’s side. Shakira is 22, a senior in college, and beautiful, and has some big tidys. But do I really wanna try to be with someone 8 yrs my junior. I already tried that with someone 6 yrs my junior and look where I’m at; searching for a new love.

People say I’m hurt, but I really ain’t. You hurt when you at home crying to ya momma like, “why don’t she love me.” I’m in Georgia kicking it. I don’ even busted two nuts with another bitch’ now how is that for hurt? I love myself too much to be sittin’ around sulkin over some bitch who didn’t appreciate me and all of my qualities.

I’m missing New York, but I know all it will take is one bite of a sweet, round ass, Georgia peach to make me forget all about it and Watrina. I wanted the New York life, the glory of making it in the hardest city in the world to make it in. I wanted the music industry. I’m goin through some serious withdrawal symptoms over these past three days, and that is what this letter is about; to ease my symptoms of withdrawal. Funny though, my urges to call Watrina and hear what she has to say, and maybe go back to what I called home, are not that strong.

I have this feeling that this move could turn out for the best, especially once I get the hell outta my aunts smoky ass house. She and her son are depressing me. All she does is sit on the couch all day and puff on cigarettes. All he does is sleep until it’s time for him to work his 4 PM – 12 AM security guard shift. He don’t go nowhere else, wears a busted fro, ain’t got no style, and no bitches. I think at age 21, he is still al virgin. It probably ain’t safe around here. Those are the type that kill everybody in they sleep and then kill themselves, or call the cops and plead insanity.

I’m in a toss up right now, but really I’m not because I ain’t goin back to Watrina after this. I’M THROUGH!

I don’t know what my future holds but its gotta hold something better than the bitch I’m thinking of spending my life with having many male friends who don’t seem like friends at all, and one nigga giving her his ATM card.

Jrnl Entry No. 3.31.2003

Over the weekend, I was supposed to spend it with my girlfriend but what has been happening in the last month or so is that our weekend plans have been getting botched up into arguments and us not spending the time together. See about a month before that I went on an escapade. I wasn’t feeling Watrina at the time because it always seems as if I’m the one giving her all of the attention. I love her very much and would spend most if not all my time with her if I could. I’m always trying to be around her following her like a puppy dog, and she doesn’t mind so I guess you could say that is a good thing. She could tell me to buzz off so she could do her own thing with her friends, male or female, sexual, non-sexual, whatever. But she never complains about me being there. But on the other hand she never invites me there neither. I invite myself: go to her job and meet her and then maybe we’ll go out to eat; to spend the Saturday with her and her daughter if she is not gone with her father; to spend time or the night at my house, I always ask her for these things. She never does it on her own which makes me feel like she is not that concerned at all with spending quality time with me; she can take it or leave it, it doesn’t matter. So I said, “Fuck Watrina”! I’m not asking her shit: to spend time with her, to see her, to call her.

I was kicking it with my new buddy Metaphor “Simile” “MS” Kipperton, this rapper I met on the New York Music scene who I gave some beats to and because this girl from Youngstown Ohio where I went to college at, managed him before, paid for some of his studio time; through her, he connected with me. He is well known on the scene so he gets in all of the spots for free and most of the time, would get me in for free also, so it was all cool.   We were goin’ out on Saturday night to ”CREAM”, Sunday nights to “CLUB NV” or “TIKI ROOM”, Monday nights to “LOTUS”, Tuesday nights to SESSA”. I was actually having fun, living, which ever since I got here to New York, I haven’t been living because I’ve been too broke, paying bills, or not knowing where to go in the first place.

At this point, I had stopped paying my car note, I didn’t pay half my rent for one month because my electricity was out and my landlord didn’t seem as if he was making a strong effort to get the lights back on through electrical work that he had to have done. I also stopped paying my credit card bill which was draining me of $200 a month. So I had a little money to spend. I bought me a Mitchell and Ness throw-back basketball jersey for $325.00 to have the look of the male music industry scene in at least one outfit.

I wasn’t paying Watrina too much attention. And she didn’t seem to be making a big fuss out of it until like three weeks in, after I didn’t go to her nieces birthday party that she thought I planned on attending to meet most of her whole family and plus she had a magic show by a guy that I hooked up with and my other friend Zero was there. I didn’t go. After that weekend, she started really trying to see me but I was still like no, because every time we see each other, I have to wait around for her to do something else. I wasn’t waiting anymore. If she wanted to see me, no waiting till 10 P.M. or 12 A.M. is what I was on.

After that tirade, we got back on schedule a little, except for that the two weekends after that, we planned on spending Saturday night together, but we never did. One night she claimed she went to the Bronx to party with her friends in a hole in a wall bar and didn’t have cab fare back to Queens. The next weekend, which was actually the Friday and Saturday before this day that I’m writing this; Friday she claimed she wanted to see her daughter before she would send her off the next day to her father for a day and half. So at 10 P.M. she went home and told me to call her in an hour. I went home and shaped my hair up because I had this party in mind we could go to of another music industry friend who was promoting the party and the tickets were $20.00. I called her at 11 P.M. and she was not ready, saying that her daughter wasn’t home when she got there so she didn’t want to leave yet. And she knows that at these parties and clubs in New York, that if you don’t get on line by 12 A.M., chances are you won’t get in till 2 A.M. or later and the parties are over at 4 A.M.

So this was another case where she would have me waiting around on her when she told me she would be ready. I told her to forget it I was going by myself because I knew she was not ready. She said she thought the night was about me and her not the party? Well it was until she mentioned that we could go out, and I got all excited about going out with her looking sexy and being there for this dude because he knows a few people in the music industry and he likes some of my beats and he may manage me as a producer. I never told her that is why I really wanted to go to the party. What I was gonna do was go and get the tickets and come back and pick her up but after I bitched at her about not being ready when she told me she would, which seems like a ritual with her, she said she was out of the mood. So I went alone.

I got there at 12:30 A.M. The guy didn’t arrive with the ticket until 1:30 A.M. and then he was trying to get rid of 8 tickets outside so we didn’t go into the party until 2:30 A.M., and it was cold out there and I didn’t have on a jacket so I was kind of glad she didn’t come. The party was crowded, especially in V.I.P. where we were standing. I really wasn’t feeling it. I just went to see who in the music industry I could meet, which I met no one. It’s kind of hard to meet people in the V.I.P. section flossing with bottles of champagne; at least that is what I think, so I didn’t talk to anyone.  

The most I said to someone was to this lady goin’ in and out of the bathroom with this guy. I said to her, “you better stay outta the bathroom with that gentleman.” She laughed at me and told me, “nothing happened in there; I know him.” As if I cared if she knew him or not, like I was gonna spread rumors around the neighborhood the next day.

I stayed till the party ended. I didn’t try to talk to any women because I wasn’t there for that. Talking to women is a job, and when I got my baby Watrina at home who seems, at times, to really care about me, and other times not, I don’t need to work to talk to other bitches, especially if they ain’t that cute and classy to begin with; which there wasn’t one woman who really caught my eye for me to say anything to.

I got home at 5 A.M. I wakes up at 8 A.M. to wash my clothes and my car, and take a shower to take Watrina’s daughter Queen to dance class at Alvin Alley. I was gonna wait for dance class to be over, and Queen’s father was getting her from there, and I was gonna spend the whole day and night with Watrina. When I went to pick her up, she claims she was ready but she took 10 minutes to get down stairs, which also seems like a ritual when it comes to me and she knows I hate that. I called her 8:30 A.M. and she said she would be ready at 9:45 A.M. But when the time came I was still washing my clothes and my car so I told her I’d be there at 10 A.M. I left my house at like 10:07 A.M. get to her house at 10:11 A.M. and she didn’t get downstairs till like 10:20 A.M. I thought she left and got a cab, which would have made me more heated because at times, she isn’t ready for her daughter’s 10:30 A.M. dance class and we don’t leave until 10:40 A.M., but she couldn’t wait on me? But she did wait on me and when she finally came to the door, I says in a comical way, “I was just getting ready to be like forget you, and leave.” She didn’t smile or nothing, just looked at me like I was stupid and got in the car. She continued to have this stupid look on her face as if she had an attitude with me but wasn’t gonna discuss it with me. So I say to her, “I don’t like your attitude.” I didn’t drive off either, so she says, “what, you want me to get out and take a cab?” I didn’t say nothing but again, “I don’t like your attitude.” She got out the car and took her daughter to take a cab, and I left.

I was ready for a joyous day with her and she gets into my car with a gas face. I just drove off and went home and went to sleep. Around 1 P.M. I woke up and got dressed, went and got my coat out the cleaners, and put my suit, which Watrina made for me, into the cleaners. I drove back home and was gonna go upstairs but I just sat in the car because I really didn’t want to do that. After 5 minutes or so of sitting there thinking where I could go, it hit me to go to Barnes and Nobles on 66th street in Manhattan and read Russel Simmon’s book “LIFE and DEF”. So I drove to the train station, put on my jacket and took the train there. I got the book and sat down and started reading it. I sat there for like two hours steady reading. It was an interesting read because I am a Hip Hop Head who loves Russel Simmons.

After about two hours, I purchased the book and went over to Tower Records to buy Norah Jones’ “Come Away With Me” and 50 Cent’s “Get Rich or Die tryin’” albums. I already heard the 50 album because it was Hip Hop. But Norah Jones won like 10 Grammys for this album and she and 50 had been battling for the number one Billboard top 200 chart spot ever since the Grammys were televised. I knew of Norah Jones’ hit single and I liked it, hoped the whole album would sound like that. I saw the price was $12.77 and 50 was $13.99 so I bought both of them. I really didn’t want to buy 50 since I already had a good bootleg CD copy at home. But I figured, if I’m gonna buy Norah and support her and I don’t even know what this album is, what type of music it is or nothing; I better get 50, the hottest Hip Hop album out of a New York MC since Biggie Smalls “Ready To Die.”

After I left the record store, I went to Houston’s maybe hoping to see Watrina there since she said she wanted to go there; maybe catch her with a date or something because the last like 5 weekends had not been spent with me, and the night before she was acting very suspicious about her phone and me using it and maybe checking her voicemail messages. I got to Houston’s and didn’t see Watrina. I ordered dinner, during with the appetizer I started reading Russel’s book some more, and then after dinner, waiting on them to take my plate and bring my check, I read some more. I left the restaurant and went home and put the Norah Jones album in and started to read some more.

It was like 10 P.M. The Norah Jones album was light blues, and the whole album was like that single, “Don’t Know Why.” The music was light and her light voice over the light melodies and drums was a very relaxing listen. I didn’t hear the words, just the music and her voice. I’ve listened to the album like 8 times and I still don’t know half of what she is saying on none of the songs. But I could see why America is going crazy over that album. First, it’s the music and her voice. Second, if you listen closely to the lyrics, it’s blues-like and I heard a few of the lyrics and I understand why people are crazy for it. I know music of all genres, trust me, and she deserves every one of those Grammys she got.

So at this point around 10:45 P.M., I called Watrina for the third time of the day to smooth things over to see if she would come to my house for the night. She didn’t answer her cell phone. I figured because she was mad at me and also she was going out by herself, with girlfriends or a male. She didn’t call me back neither.

After realizing that I’d read over half of Russel’s book, I put it down, shut my ringer off my phone and went to bed because I was tired from only getting like 4 hours of sleep that whole night and day before. The Russel book told the story I already knew about starting Def Jam, RUN DMC, PHAT FARM, DEF COMEDY JAM, ending the distribution deal with Sony, signing with Polygram, Lyor Cohen, Russel’s model dating. What I didn’t know was that he took drugs like he did. He gave a few business pointers, life pointers, race pointers, etc.

I got up the next day and put the Norah Jones album on again and cleaned up my apartment. I still had my phone ringer off because I was mad that Watrina hadn’t spent the night with me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Eventually around 1 P.M. I turned my ringer on and went about my daily business. I went back to sleep, I got up and got dressed, did some push-ups and sit-ups. I started to cook some steak and potatoes and green beans for myself. I also started to read the Russel book some more.

Now this whole day I was contemplating just breaking up with Watrina because it’s been three years and we have been going through this shit the whole time. It’s really getting tired and old, and I just want to stop the relationship because it seems like all we do, every other weekend is be mad about something. Finally after finishing the book, finishing eating, I decided to call Watrina to talk to her and smooth over this rough edge of a weekend we had. All day I had been thinking about not calling her at all but I broke down.

See what I mean, I’m always the one, making all the effort to call, to spend time together, etc. I called her and asked her, “what are you thinking about me right now?” She had nothing to say. I was looking for her to say, that either she loved and missed me or she wants to break up. She said nothing. So we started going into the weekend issue and she had a little sass and chutzpah in her voice and speech. Let me tell you, “if a bitch is being hard with you and edgy, and unsympathetic, it says that she is tired of the situation or that she is tired of the situation and on top of that, she is fucking someone else.”  

Watrina hasn’t spent really good quality time with me in a month and the last two weekends, she has disappeared on me. At the end of the conversation, because she didn’t say that she wanted to break up, I said, “forget it, drop it. I want to see you.” She said she had to braid her daughter’s hair and she would call me back and didn’t know if she would see me or not. An hour and a half later, after she was in the bed half sleep, she called me. She tells me that she is not coming over because she should have been over last night; like that was all my fault. I called her three times during the day and she never answered her phone and didn’t call me later that night. So I bid her a good night and hung up the phone on her ear slightly. I tried to call her back 10 minutes later to tell her I was trying to smooth things over and she was playing games of you-did, who-did. I called her like 7 times and she didn’t pick up the phone, playing games, but of course she is gonna tell me that she was sound asleep in 10 minutes after getting off the phone with me knowing that I was angry at her for not wanting to come over. So I left her a message that, “this relationship is over! What is wrong with trying to smooth things over by spending some time together and forgetting about Friday and Saturday, and you fucked that up on Sunday. Fuck You! I’m going out to find me another bitch to fuck since you don’t want to come over.”

I went to the TIKI ROOM and chilled; met Metphor and Zero there. I was pollyin’ about music, not concerned about bitches. I met this guy who I’d been looking at for a month now who looks like he is in the music industry. Turns out he is down with DJ CLUE and Dessert Storm and works in the Sony building down the block from where I work. I met this female “Combination” whom I’d seen around at Justin’s Restaurant on Tuesday Industry Nights, and other places like two years prior, and Metaphor said she was a rapper. I met this other guy whose face I always recognize. He managed Uncle Sam, a fallen-off R&B Singer, and a few other groups or singers who have all fallen off. I left around 2:45 A.M. drunk off Hennessy and Grand Marnier.

My mind was still made up that I’d broken up with Watrina. I called her when I woke up at 7:30 A.M. to tell her that I’m bringing her leather she bought to make me a leather suit, and her mother’s plate. She tells me to bring it later. I told her I was bringing it now. She asked, “is it that serious?” I said “Yeah, it’s that serious!” She obviously hadn’t gotten my message. When I got to her house I asked had she gotten it. She said yes, not to argue in front of her father. I told her to her face, “this relationship is over, it’s no good.” She nodded her head, handed me the stuff she’d bought for my daughter from the GAP and I left. It was over in my mind. When I got to work, she called at 10 A.M. telling me that she is coming over my house tonight, so I’m just gonna have to let her in because she is gonna be there. I told her, “don’t come and I’m not saying it’s alright because I’m not gonna do like you, always say something and then don’t do it or be late doing it.” She hung up because she was entering the train station. She called me later saying, “we shouldn’t break up. We have a nice family, and we get along together.” All of which is true, even the part about us not breaking up. I love what we have, truly, but it seems that she doesn’t love it as much as I do, or maybe I don’t love as much as I say I do because we keep having these bullshit arguments, I’m tired of them and I want out! She wants to take some time apart but still be together. I don’t believe in that shit because if you need time apart, stay apart, which we can’t seem to make it together, so maybe we should be apart.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.17.2003

I’ve just decided that I am not working today. We get off at three o’clock in celebration of Martin Luther Da King Holiday. Today is my mother’s – Birthday. She just got out of the hospital for infectious blood, causing blood clots in her pelvic area hindering her ability to walk. She was just in the hospital for two months. I went to see her a month ago and ruined my Christmas vacation days but I guess you have to do those type of things you know.

My Christmas was nothing to brag about. I was invited over to my girlfriend’s house for dinner with her father and her daughter. Her mother was at work and her aunt who stays there was at another relative’s house so they filled the void with me. Any other time I’m not allowed to step foot in the apartment.

My New Years was alright. I met this girl by the name of Evette the Saturday before New Years at a party my friend threw at the Supper Club in Manhattan. She looked nice at the party in black pants and a white top. She seemed as if she was skinny. She is my age or a little older and she is a teacher. I was mad at my girlfriend at the time. She hadn’t called me in like three days. I went to Evette’s brother’s house to a little corny New Years house party. When I first saw her brother I originally thought that he was gay. I came to find out that he was far from gay, but maybe a little in the closet bi-sexual. He had two kids, a boy and a girl, and a sexy ass fiancé. His fiancé was short and light skinned, short length hair, and had a big round ole ass that I was staring at all night.

Evette was all corny looking in some corny jeans, a corny little top with her stomach out which was not toned; not really fat, but just not toned. She was a little heavier than what I originally thought at the club though. She had on some corny sneaker shoes that she may have picked up from one of those $39.99 stores on 125th St. in Harlem. We danced a little at the party and drank a little. At 3 A.M. I left. She must did not like me neither because we haven’t talked again after that night.

I crossed the Tri-Boro Bridge. I gave some white guy begging to pay the toll to take him over the bridge, a ride. I probably shouldn’t have done that. He could have killed me but I took a chance. He just wanted a ride, not to have to take a long train ride to get to the same place right across the bridge.

I went to Astoria Projects where my girlfriend lives and said she’d be over her friend’s house getting drunk for the night. I called her to find that she was at the Project Juice bar at a neighborhood party. I told her that I was coming there. I went and they tried to front and not let me in the door like it was some fancy club in Manhattan. I called her back and told her to come outside since they wouldn’t let me in. She told the guy at the door to let me in. They were charging $10.00 to get in there and I paid it; a free drink came with the $10 entrance fee. I went to the bar to try and get a Hennessy and Remy Martin drink. The guy told me that mixed drinks don’t come free with his stupid ass. He should know that Hennessy cost more than Remy Red so his overhead would have been cheaper if he would have mixed the drink than just give me straight Henny which is what I asked for after he told me that stupid shit.

The party was alright, full of all the hood rats, men and women from the neighborhood. Bonet, Watrina’s friend was there with her, and she was in the mood to dance. She was bobbing her head to the music. She had on this red outfit and was looking corny to me because it didn’t fit her body right and tight, or maybe she just doesn’t have a body like that. When we got outside later that night, I realized that the outfit was an Echo Red velour suit. She had on some blue and white Tims with it and it just didn’t go.

Watrina was in a dancing mood. We started dancing; me, her and Bonet. Watrina left me to go and dance with someone else she knew from the hood. I just chilled in the area where we were standing. I noticed every time she turned around the guy she was dancing with would purposely move his pelvis forward to put his dick on her ass. One time, he was pointing at her ass as she turned around. I didn’t trip. He was drunk, oh well. Another time she danced with another guy and he was doing the same thing when she turned around right there in front of my face. When she got done dancing with him, I told her, “please don’t put your ass on niggaz dicks in front of me.” She was like, “chill, I’m in my neighborhood.” I just repeated myself because I see these corny ass mutha fuckaz pushing their dick out every time she turned around. I didn’t mind her dancing, but the grinding shit had to go. I told her that I could go home if that is what she wanted to do. She went over and started dancing with some other guy. I saw her being a little more careful about him putting his dick on her ass. But I wasn’t really paying her any attention at that point.

I was sitting there chilling and some drunk lady came over telling me how good I looked, that I couldn’t be from around Astoria, etc. I danced with her and she wanted me to grind on her, but I don’t believe in pushing my dick on no bitch ass but the bitch I am fucking. If a bitch turn around and she puts her ass on my dick like this girl was doing, I just dance normal and do my thing. But these niggaz dancing with Watrina were like, once she turned around, running to grind on her ass. Her friend Ney, when she heard me telling Watrina to stop putting her ass on niggaz dicks in front of me, started screaming out, “don’t be the jealous boyfriend, she is going home with you tonight,”

When Watrina saw that one girl grinding on me she came over there to break that shit up. The girl was telling her that I loved her (Watrina) because I wouldn’t grind her ass and I had told her that I was there with Watrina. The night went smoothly. Watrina’s friend Temeace, whom Watrina thinks I like, showed up and we danced a little. There wasn’t but one bitch other than Watrina that I would have talked to in there that night. Some dark skinned shorty with a weave in her hair, a little fat ass, etc. I should have talked to her when Watrina left after our short argument and she went to dance with another guy, whom they were in each other’s ear for a minute.

Watrina does what she does but when I do the same shit she gets mad and bitch about it just like I do. She really doesn’t know how to handle this serious relationship which is what I think we have. But she is learning. I love her and want to work with her to make it work because I think we can have a good future together.

I had to leave her by herself in a club last week. She was acting like she didn’t want to be there with me so I went off by myself to do my thing. She was complaining from the moment she stepped out of the car; about her feet, she didn’t have any money. When we got inside she didn’t take off her coat. She moved from sitting with me because she said she wanted to get out of this lighted area where we were sitting. Maybe she didn’t want somebody, one of her friends to spot her there with me. I don’t know, but I wasn’t feeling at all that she wanted to be there with me. When I came back to meet with her because it seemed to me that she was gonna sit there all night, she was gone. I searched the club for her and didn’t find her. I went outside and called her and left a message on her machine and I went home. She didn’t call me Saturday.

Saturday night Carol Ann, whom I’ve been fucking with the whole time I’ve known Watrina; she called and I went to her house in Jersey and spent the night. I didn’t come home till the next night like 9 P.M. I then went to the TIKI ROOM, this Sunday night spot that is free to get into. I buy me a French Connection “Grand Marnier and Hennessy and I usually chill, talk to a few honey’s that I view as worthy of me stepping to them, and try to meet people in the music industry. This night I met my man Zero and we were chillin’ and talking. He bought me a second drink so I was real drunk after that. I was following this little short sexy dark skinned young lady by the name of Kim around. I probably could have gotten with her but by the end of the night I was so drunk I left and had forgotten all about her, as I did the week before, about this girl from Harlem whose number I thought I could have gotten. She was dark skinned and thick.

I’ve met a few people at the TIKI ROOM. I met Rockwilder there and talked to him about Hip Hop Production. I met Yogi of the one album group, “CRU”. He produced that whole album and I thought it was incredible. I met Pharoach Monche also. I tried to talk to him about getting a track on his album since he said he was working on it. He said it was finished though. They say they are gonna charge to get in the TIKI ROOM next week. It’s a cool spot and I like it so I’ll pay $10 to get in, definitely not $20 though.

I’ve been goin’ out every since the holidays, spending money that I don’t have. My electric is out in my apartment and I am not paying my landlord no money till he fix that shit. It’s been out for a month now. So I’ve been spending the rent money. I’m about to spend this half I got now on a trip to Atlanta for the All Star Weekend. I asked Watrina to send me but I don’t think she is. I guess she doesn’t want to feel like she is playing herself by sending me on a party trip. I told her that I would like to see my father which I would since I haven’t seen him in like 4 years. I’ma have to ask her again.

Watrina spends so much money I don’t see what is wrong with her spending a little on me. She bought me two pair of jeans for Christmas the day after Christmas from The Atrium. She took me shopping with her. She bought herself three pair of A.G. Jeans. I forget the name of the designer, but those are the initials. The jeans cost like $169 a pair. The total bill came up to like $579 and she thought that was cheap. One pair of my jeans cost $40 on sale, originally $79; the other pair cost $99, originally $139. I’ve bought some shirts to go with the jeans and a few pair of sneakers.

I hope Watrina reimburses me or this stuff or pays my rent because if she doesn’t I’m in trouble. She is trying to break up with me for leaving her at the club but I won’t let her. We’ve made love and spent a few nights together since that night. She could be just using me till she finds another guy but I doubt it and if she is, I’ll live. She told me that a guy like me in NY is hard to find, with his own apartment, car, nice job, big dick, etc. She says she know a few guys whose dick’s aren’t the size of mine on soft when they are hard. That shit just blows up my head a little.

Women always complain about finding a good man. I think I am good so I naturally think that any woman should be happy with me. I got many if not all of the qualities that they say they look for in a man. That is why when a bitch don’t do what I want her to do, I don’t talk to her for a few days to let her think about what she will lose if she don’t act right. If she gets too bad, I’ll break out. But I got to cut that shit out especially with Watrina because she is too young to be putting up with that shit and she is showing and telling me that she is not gonna put up with it. But I’d rather just walk away and not talk for a few days than have a big argument and still not talk for a few days. I’m finding out that is a bad way to handle the situation with your partner. If I ever want to keep a mate and I do want to keep Watrina, I better stop that shit.

Boy Watrina has done a number on me. She’s always thonged out. He ass, though it looks flat in some jeans that she wears, is so soft and jello-like when it is in my hands. I love when she rides my dick and her ass flaps up and down on my dick. I just bust a big ole nut and let the feel good out. I like her little cute tidies. We have a good sex life. She ain’t afraid to put the dick in her mouth neither. She licks my ass at times when she is sucking my dick. I guess she felt how good it felt when I do it to her when I lick her pussy and ass hole; she decided to return the good feeling to me. Now I got to work her up to making me cum in her mouth from sucking my dick. If we get married, I told her that I’m fucking her in her ass on our honey moon, or soon after. Now that would be the ultimate sex life without being a swing couple. I can’t let Watrina go because a good sex life; with style, money, not fat and flabby, and who is willing to take care of me, hit me off with some doe when I need it; I’d be a fool to let that go and I’ma hold on as long as I can. She probably thinks the same thing about me so maybe we will make it.

The re-po man is after my car since I haven’t paid my car payment in like 3 months. They called my apartment in Queens. At first I wondered how they got the number, but that was easy because it is a listed number. They still have no clue that it’s me who lives there though. They tried calling my mother saying they had an insurance check for me and could they send it to the Jackson St. Address. So apparently they’ve done a little research and found out where I used to live in the past and present. I don’t park my car in front of my apartment building so they may find it, they may not; if they do that will be fucked up.

It will be good to have the money in my pocket. Maybe I’ll live like a real New Yorker spending the money I would on a car payment and take cabs here and there with some of the money; rent cars to go to Ohio to pick up my daughter, etc. It will probably be a cheaper move actually than paying $342 a month for a car payment. I dropped my insurance two years ago, they are also looking for the car for that purpose. We’ll see if they find it though. If they do, it’s not worth much with 112,000 miles and it’s only 4 years old, so they won’t be able to sell it for much if they do get it back. I’ve gotten my money’s worth out of it; driven to Mississippi, to Atlanta, back and forth numerous times to Ohio and New York.

My finances are all fucked up. I consider myself a failure in life because of that fact. I’m nowhere in life right now; further than a lot of niggaz, but still nowhere to my standard of living. My apartment is raggedy, I don’t have all the clothes I want, I don’t have a dime in the bank, just debt, and that is a fucked up way to live. Watrina I my emergency money, and that shit is not always gonna be there so I better not get too used to it. I’ll get this shit together one day but until then I’m livin’ on the edge trying to get into this music industry and make money which there is no guarantee that I will make a lot of money doing that. All this make me constantly say that life is bullshit. But Oh Well.

Jrnl Entry No. 9.28.2002

My girlfriend Watrina told me that I gave her a little STD. I don’t understand how because I have had no symptoms of an STD. I guess it is possible since I’m fuckin Carol Ann, Coffee and Haitie from the bank all raw. I hate condoms. I’ve been fuckin Carol Ann for a year and half now so it didn’t come from her unless the last time she visited her fiancé in LA, he gave it to her. It could have come from Coffee most likely. She is a homeless chick from what I know, always moving around a lot. I shouldn’t be fuckin’ her. I don’t call her, but every time she calls me I go and get her. I just can’t turn down pussy if there is nothing else to do. I guess I’m a sex addict. I could have gotten it from Haitie. She was adamant about me using a condom which means she either does it with condoms all the time, or she knew she had a little bug and didn’t want me to catch it. I’d slip the condom off on her and she wouldn’t even know it. We fucked about two three times. She wouldn’t let me get wild in the ass because she wasn’t comfortable yet and her pussy wasn’t used to me. We stopped talking because she sensed that I had a girlfriend and I broke off a couple of dates with her. She wants a nigga to be there at her every beck and call and I wasn’t because I had a girlfriend.

So I took the prescription that my girlfriend gave me and then what did I do? I went and slept right back with Carol Ann and Coffee in the same night, raw. So now I got to continue to use condoms with my girlfriend, which she wants to until she goes back to the doctor. Then I have to go to the doctor to see if I have anything and then if I do, I have to tell Carol Ann and Cofffee to go to the doctor. It shouldn’t be a problem with either of them. Carol Ann doesn’t know if her fiancé is not sleeping with anyone so she shouldn’t have any questions. Coffee is fucking other people and keeps trying to tell me that she is pregnant. She wants either me or a child support check; neither of which she will get from me. Not because I won’t pay or I’ll disappear, but for reasons that only I know and will never tell if I haven’t told already.

I told Watrina to move in with me but she refuses. If she was there, I wouldn’t be able to fuck these other women. Like Coffee called me at 1 A.M. the other night to come over and I went and got her. I tried to use a condom with her but she wouldn’t let me. Carol Ann got her own place again so I could sneak over her house after work or something if I wished, but I probably wouldn’t if I lived with Watrina.

I really love Watrina. She is a beautiful, sexy, ambitious young lady and all that is a good combination. She treats me very well, better than anybody with the exception of Rebecca. I hope I don’t get busted in all this outside fuckin’ that I’m doin and that we stay together. She is it. And if there is an after her, I’m chillin’ the next time around, just fuckin’, no love unless a bitch is beautiful and has a bright future ahead of her and she wants love.

I got a CD burner now so I don’t have to depend on Medeline to make my beat CDs. I plan on putting like 10 songs on a CD at a time and selling them mix tape style for $10 a pop like DJ Clue. Nobody does that so I hope it comes off and maybe some of my beats will get picked up like that to be on professional albums. I’m now in the process of putting snippets of every song I’ve ever done on a CD. With my next tape, I’ll put the full length songs on a CD.

What is life bringing me, I don’t know? I’m tired of the unknown, but still I’m goin’ slowly and with less fire than before, but I haven’t quit. I’m gonna go until I reach age – and if nothing by then, I’ll go back to school if I’m still working as an accountant, to go and get my MBA. And that is my life plan. I don’t know what else to do. Watrina says I need to be an A&R but you can’t just pop up and be that. A&Rs start as interns; or they get hooked up through friends which I have none in the music industry. She says I should go to some modeling agencies during lunch because I look good. But I don’t have any pictures. She has a $500 camera but hasn’t taken any pictures of me. She took some last year but won’t give them to me to take to agencies because she says they aren’t good pictures.

I don’t know man. I’m trying to talk Watrina into buying this house that my cousin is selling in Ohio. It’s only like $15,000 at most and it already has tenants and all we’d have to do is be landlords and collect $300 a month rent, which will turn into income when the house is paid off. Real Estate is a little plan of mine if I ever get my hands on some money. I’m trying to save a little money now, $25 a paycheck for emergencies or whatever if an emergency never comes up. I’ve been paying my car note like every other month since I’m already classified as late because I won’t pay the $53 a month insurance fee they tacked on when I dropped my insurance about two years ago. That is how I’m livin’. I’m kind of on edge but fuck it, what can I do? Watrina is optimistic about the future, which is another reason why I love her. If I didn’t have her I probably wouldn’t be in New York right now. I don’t even think she knows how much I love and need her right now.

Jrnl Entry No. 9.26.2002

It is now Sept 26, 2002 and Janelle’s birthday was yesterday. I sent her a Barbie Volkswagon Bug Car in the mail last week. She tells me that she is gonna have a party and that she and her mom wrote out invitations to it, but I didn’t get one. I guess Victoria doesn’t think a father should be invited to his daughter’s birthday parties, especially if he lives out of town. I probably wouldn’t have went, but that ain’t the point. There is a 50/50 chance of me goin’ and not goin’ if I would have found out about it sooner than last week when I asked Victoria on the phone was she throwing her a party. Victoria really doesn’t know how to handle this baby daddy shit. I hope it has taught her ass a good lesson like it has taught me, to never have kids by any bitch again, or at the least until you have been married to the bitch for two or three years.

Watrina wants another kid, but she is gonna have a hard time getting another kid out of this dick. We’ve been together now for a year and a half and I love her too much. I always want to be around her. I want her to move in with her daughter. I get mad when she is out and don’t call me by 8 P.M. to let me know where is like last night. If she doesn’t ask to see me I get mad because I always want to see her and seems like I am always initiating the, spending of time together between us two. It almost seems like I have to force her over to my house to spend some decent quality time. That is why I keeps my other bitches around. I got Carol Ann, Coffee and Haitie.

Haitie is the finest out the bunch. If she had a better job and a better way of living, I’d probably drop Watrina for her because Watrina is not fulfilling all of my needs. She will, in time, but I don’t like the wait. But sometimes I think the wait will be worth it. You see Watrina likes to spend money a lot on little big things; like she spent $500 on a Coach carrying travel bag; $300 on a pair of sandles which were worth it because I have yet to see any like them or as hot as them; $269 on a pair of Adriano Goldsmied jeans; before I met her, she spent $500 on a camera which she doesn’t know how to work and she doesn’t use it anymore because she claims that it needs a new lens which is gonna cost another $500. She spent $350 on a car for her daughter when she turned two, which was entirely too young for her to have that, and plus she doesn’t ride it because it’s stored over her cousin’s house; for it can’t fit in her mom and dad’s apartment, and plus it’s broken. She spent a lot of money on her daughter’s birthday party, which that is not a bad thing, but she plans on spending this money every year and that is ridiculous.

Watrina plans on starting some type of business so she can live large; she is gonna have to chill with the spending habits. Right now her mind is focused on starting a little clothing line for children, some expensive shit like tuxes and gowns for like $500 to start. So I figure her spending habits and ambitions will get her somewhere in the future, maybe to millionaire status that she wants. If it doesn’t, we can make it together on our salaries for work. Together as I speak, our salary combined is $95,000: $40,000 mines, $55,000 hers. Mine breaks down like this: $950 Rent, $220 Crdt Card, $342 Car Payment, $370 Child Support, $60 Train, $90 Gas, Light and Phone Bill, $50 Grocery, and about $50 to spend or save, which ever one I choose.

Watrina lives at home so I don’t know what the fuck she does with her money but pay for her brother’s and mother/father wedding, save a little I guess she does, but she also blows a lot right in front of my eyes. Like one night she took me and her cousins from Jamaica out to Club Nells. She spent $200 that night. I can’t see myself spending that money unless I’m straight like that with bills, house, etc. But she blows money like that and she ain’t got shit. She lives in the projects with her parents in a room for her and her daughter, on a broken down bunk bed that she claims the springs are poppin’ up and stickin’ her in the back. Maybe she is doin’ this because she is young and feels she has time to blow money and make more to replace it.

The fact that we could make a good living if we got together and budgeted our money, plus the pussy is good, she is young and sexy, and besides me being all in love and wanting to spend all my time with her like a little bitch, and she not obliging me on that end, we get along just fine and will get along.

So I got my other bitches to fulfill my void when Watrina doesn’t want to be there. And I guess until we get engaged and move in together, I’ll always have someone else. Am I a dog for that? Maybe! But “fuck that shit cause I got to live” (Ice Cube). And what if the time that I complain about her not spending with me, she is fucking some other nigga. She has many friends and won’t let them go for some reason or another. Sometimes I feel like she is wasting her time and mine, and that is why I cheat. If she would love me like Rebecca loved me – even though Rebecca fucked every nigga that ever smiled at her and asked her for her number while she was in a so-called relationship with me – I could have had all or most of her time if I wanted it. I guess I’m only getting what I gave out to Rebecca and Lauren being with them both at the same time. I was with one on Friday, the other on Saturday, and I feel that is how Watrina is playing me sometimes. She never spends too many consecutive days with me, and she doesn’t tell me where she spends her time at when she doesn’t spend it with me. So if I’m getting it back, at the same time, I’m still dishing it out, and one day life will come together and I won’t have to do this shit. I can be happy with one bitch and she will be happy with me.

HAVE YOU EVER FELT NEGLECTED (WRONGLY OR RIGHTLY) BY A PARTNER OR SPOUSE SO YOU JUST SAID FUCK IT, I’LL GO OUT AND GET ME ANOTHER WOMAN OR MAN?

Jrnl Entry 3.9.2004

It’s the day before The Notorious B.I.G. “Biggie Smalls” “Frank White” was killed in Los Angeles seven years ago. I remember I was working at NRM record store in the Eastwood Mall in Niles Ohio the morning of March 10, 1997 when the news got to my ears. It was close to the time for B.I.G.s  second LP to be released, and my first thought was that “wow, he is gonna sell a lot of records.” 

So he’s been dead now for seven years and people are giving him an MC crown as the best MC. How and the hell can you receive a “Best MC” title off of two albums; the second, which was a complete flip from the 1st? In my eyes, you can’t. Biggie was good, he may have been able to become the best MC if his career would have lasted more than three years. That is all he gets from me as far as titles go. I can’t bestow “Best MC” or “Greatest Album” in his debut “Ready To Die” upon him.  The greatest Hip Hop  album of all time that still has not been topped in my eyes is “It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back” by Public Enemy. Then after that is “Amerikaz Most Wanted” by Ice Cube.  I guess much props goes to Hank Shocklee and the Bomb Squad who produced both those albums. Then third is “Niggaz4Life” by NWA. I guess much props goes to the West Coast MCs (even though I’m East Coast till death regardless of you pussies who want to shun the difference between the three coast (west, east, and south (which includes the Midwest)) for having made two out of the three.

Just listen to the production, lyrical flow, style, presence, and content (well, maybe not content on NWAs part) of these albums and you’ll have to agree. Ready To Die was a very good album, but so was “Capital Punishment” by Big Punisher, which I’d have to say was, over the top, better than Ready To Die. But no lyrical content, production, style and grace has ever topped PEs second LP. And while Chuck D holds the crown for having the greatest album ever, he isn’t in the top five of greatest MCs so the two do not go hand in hand.

But anyway, back to my life. New York is killing me. There seem to be no open doors here amongst the millions of damn doors that can be opened in this place. Doors for my Hip Hop production are not being opened. Doors for a job at one of the many Hip Hop, as well as Hip Hop influenced companies in this city. This girl I know works for Akedemiks Hip Hop clothing line. I asked her to check into an accounting job for me, and I never heard from her again and she changed her e-mail address. I know a guy who spends his days walking around Def Jam Records, but yet, he hasn’t gotten himself signed, nor has he gotten any of my beats sold. I have a Frat brother here who has so much power here because he throws all of the hot parties where music industry people hang out and depend on him to get in the parties and in V.I.P. Yet, he will not grant me grand access to all these parties and V.I.P. status, not has he offered to help me sell any of my beats through all these music industry contacts he has, nor, even in my unemployment has he offered any type of job with the small/big PR company “Black Diamond” that he is vice president of.

It also seems that I am being racially discriminated against in this city as far as receiving employment. Employers call my house and when they hear my deep African American voice, they just hang up. Or employment agencies will invite me to their offices to fill out an application and talk a little bullshit, and then I will never hear from them again, and when I call and leave them a message they will not call me 
back or if I get them on the phone, they will say they have nothing for me. I don’t know what to do. All my unemployment money had run out. I went out to look for a part time job but they seem to be equally unwilling to give an African American a job. Damn, it’s almost like we are right back  in the 60s. Here I am a nigga with a college degree, 5 years work experience, yet, there is no job for me even in a poot-butt clothing or shoe store.

This job search is having an effect on my love life. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years now, going on three. I’m questioning myself as to whether I love her anymore. I’m wondering if that question is because of my depression with not being able to secure employment or if I really don’t love her anymore. I loved her so in the beginning, I was there hand and foot for her, loved to be around her, and I wanted her to move in with me. As time wore on, we had two big fights where she busted out my car window. I threw her cell phone out the window because she was talking to this friend of hers on her cell phone, a guy who likes her. We moved in together, I found this same guys ATM card in her wallet, and then I found it again after I cut up the first one. When we were not living together, she was having a telephone affair with this guy from her job who works in Minneapolis. So while I was giving my all and not talking to other bitches and inviting them to my apartment and fucking the shit out of them, she was talking to who knows how many guys and doing what with them. She has threw all my stuff in 
the middle of the floor and told me to leave. We have gotten into another fight where she scratched my face and she had a big bruise on her shoulder from me slamming her against the wall. She gets in an uproar over people calling and hanging up, thinking that I am stupid enough to give some bitch that I fucked or am trying to fuck the house number where I am staying with another woman.

She thinks she has the right to rise up in my face like she is going to whip my ass. I don’t want a woman who thinks that she can fight me or want to fight me over her jealousy issues. I want a sweet bitch who trust me even though men fuck other bitches, I am her knight in shining armor, who fucks her well, cooks for her from time to time, and cleans from time to time, who looks good, dresses well, even though unemployed, who has the potential to earn good money. I’ve been taught that next to a rich man, the good man I just described, should not have much problems getting along with his woman, but yet I am. I think that had I have found a job by now, I would have moved.

I hear I’ll have problems out of every woman that could be worse than what I already have so I should be thankful for a non-gold digger, who works, who is not on my back about working, who fucks, cooks, and cleans well. Yeah, all of that is fine and well, but I want to be in love. I am not in love anymore especially with the finding of that second ATM card, where I moved to Atlanta, and that last big fight we had with the scratches and bruises. Over this past weekend in Ohio, I ran into this old 
sweet little girl I used fuck in college. I was thinking as I was talking to her, I should have stayed with her, she’s cute, wears her real hair (another problem I have with Watrina, while she has beautiful hair, she wears ugly weaves sometimes and it pisses me off), and she likes me. But I’m in New York and she is in Youngstown and I am not trying to go back to that corny place.

I was also thinking about Lynaye all weekend. I’ve had a crush on Lynaye ever since I made up my mind that it was her I wanted to talk to and not her friend Summer. See when I first met them after they performed on a talent show, Summer had nice tidy’s while Lynaye had the better looking ass. After seeing them a few more times together, I decided that Lynaye was for me and I went on my quest to get her. It started with my being an Alpha in college and her always attending all of the Alpha parties. I seen her in my local mall and I approached her and she was receptive. I got her number and called her and rode my motor scooter to her house. Her family, mom and sister were nice to me. I felt as if there was no doubt she would be my girlfriend and for the second time in my life I would experience true love. But I never asked her to be my girlfriend and she never asked that of me. She was young, in the 12th grade and I was a sophomore in college. We hung out, or rather she used me to get popularity amongst her peers in high school. I tried kissing her one time when we were alone and she blew that off. And she told me this long list of things a guy 
would have to do to get her in the mood, like massage her head, which I thought was stupid. It seemed you would have to go through a lot to get those drawls so I never really tried to make a move on her again. However, she was so beautiful to me, from time to time we’d hang out still. Just so happen she moved to New York two years before I did right after she graduated from college. We touched base a few times but still never brought out the love interest I had in her because she had boyfriends and I had Watrina the last time we touched base. But now, Lynaye is single, and Watrina and my relationship is not what I want it to be. So all weekend I’ve been thinking about calling Lynaye and having dinner with her and telling her how I really feel and asking her for the chance to love to her once and for all. I think she is beautiful, has good employment, and it would be a fresh love start because Watrina has killed my love for her, at least for the moment.

But this morning when I woke up, the urge to call Lynaye was not as great as it has been all weekend nor as it was when I went to bed last night with Watrina in my arms. So I don’t know. And they say, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Watrina is here for me right now in my time of need, but I feel the need to get away from her and her violent stints of jealousy before I seriously hurt her and end up in jail. I shouldn’t be with anyone whom I think I will have to fight and be locked up for.  I’ve been dating other bitches: Jackie, Natlie, Tiffany, Tracey, Traci. I talked to women on the phone who wouldn’t hook up with me: Kristy, Jennifer, Rachel. But none of these women have offered me anything, not even the pussy just to fuck around with. So what is happening with me? I don’t have a job, and to my surprise, a few family members are helping a me a little. My cousin Shaneequa gave me $200.00 when I went to see her. I don’t know if she was trying to play me or not by handing me the money right in front of Watrina. My Uncle Luther has offered his helping hand if I ever need anything.

My girlfriend is just now showing respect and interest in me that she should have shown all along considering how I was treating her. Now that she is cooperating, I’m not sure if I want her cooperation. I’ve tried to a non-success rate, to fuck other bitches. My music and everything else seems to be going nowhere. I wrote a documentary that I just sent in to be copyrighted but  I don’t want to start on that until I incorporate my Production company, and trademark my name and logo. And on top of all of this my grandmother, the oldest of the next generation in my family, is dying from Diabetes complications. So nothing seems to be going as plan, and everybody’s suggestion is that I try God! When God gives me a good job and happiness in my life, maybe I’ll try him. But for now, I’m on my own.

Jrnl Entry No. 7.9.2004

So Watrina, this bitch is trying to be real foul now. Wednesday we were to have dinner with her cousin because he seems like an intelligent guy: graduated from West Point, was in the military, and now he does product planning for master card, he’s the guy under the Senior Vice President. He has a big house out in Westchester, I think he said 3500 square feet. He talks real proper like a white man, and as I mentioned to someone else before that while it is worth a mention that he married a white woman from Iraq from the first war over there like in 91, it really doesn’t say much: a woman is a woman, whomever it is that satisfies you, do you.

So Wednesday afternoon, I call her for something and she starts in on some bullshit like “why didn’t you come and see me after your job interview”, which I had an interview that morning with an advertising agency, Cline, Davis & Mann. She ended up hanging up the phone on me because I wasn’t paying her no mind. I guess she thought that would make me not want to go to the dinner, which I was invited to and I already knew the place where we were supposed to eat, so our communication couldn’t be thrown off if I wasn’t able to reach her by phone like it was when we were supposed to go see the Wayans brother’s film “White Chicks.” She hung up the phone on me that day and our communication got thrown off. I ended up going to the movies by myself and she did what she did.

I think she’s either trying to lead me to believe that she fucking or going out with someone else and she’s not, or she really is seeing someone else, thinking that she is slick, but truth be told, “I don’t give a fuck.” So I get to the restaurant about five minutes late and her cousin and she are already at the bar having drinks, waiting for a table. She sees me as I walk in and I join them. We had a nice dinner, good conversation and advice about how to succeed. Like he said on his present job, he has always been ambitious to ask for new and bigger assignments. On all my jobs I just laid back and basically did nothing, probably why I can’t find another job right now. He said one interesting thing that I found surprising. “I will probably never make it to be CEO of anyone else’s company, look at my skin, there is only one of us who made it there, and he is not there anymore.” He was speaking of the black man who became CEO of Time Warner AOL. It surprised me because usually those people who speak really good ole boy, white, proper English, who are ambitious, they usually think they can break the white man’s effort to not let blacks get to the very top.

But anyway, we have the dinner, and as soon as we leave from his presence, she brings up another old argument that we had two weeks ago, and she was talking about she was going somewhere, out and about, and I couldn’t come. But I stayed with her because I didn’t have anything else to do. She kept trying to get me into a heated argument so that I would leave her presence. So like I said, either she is 
trying to lead me to believe that she is messing with someone else, or she is, thinking that she is being slick, but truth be told, “I don’t give a fuck!” So she stops and sits on this stoop for a while saying that she was not going to go drinking with me because she was not going to have a good time thinking about the argument that she was trying to start about two week old shit, that we fucked and made up about.

So I sat there with her patiently. After about thirty minutes of sitting there silent she decided to get up. I said, “So where we goin,” and she said, “Home” So she’s walking ever so slowly to the train station, supposedly because her sandals were hurting her feet. But usually I complain about her walking so slowly, so maybe that was just another plot to piss me off to get me to walk off, which is what I used to 
do. But I’m so on to all of her games that it’s funny to me. So I walked slowly with her, not talking, in silence. So when we get near home I cross the street, separate from her and get home a little ahead of her. I was thinking that she was just going to get in her truck and go where she wanted. I didn’t care by then because if she was going to go out her way that much to come back to Queens and get in her truck and drive back to the city or where ever she wanted to go, then so be it. If a mutha fucka wants 
to creep or do whatever they want to do, they are going to do it, and the only way to try and stop them is to make a big fool of yourself. Like if I wanted to stop her from getting in her truck without me, I would probably have had to burst out her window and get in the passenger side or fight my way in through the drivers side with her, which I was not at all willing to. 

My last true love was when I was 18. When I was 23/24 I made a fool of myself trying to stop someone from getting rid of me and I didn’t even really love the girl. I’m — now and if a bitch wants to truly leave, I am in no way trying to stop her. Watrina and I ended up coming home, and when we got here I wanted to go out to my car to listen to this brand new track I had finished. Watrina asked me where I was going. Now she hadn’t said two words to me in the last hour and a half, and her first words were, “where are you going?” I hesitated for a moment, but then I just said, “to the car.” If I was really going somewhere I wouldn’t have said shit. She just chose the wrong day to try and battle with me. As a matter of fact, it’s the wrong time period because I’m through with it. I ain’t studden nuttin that she is doing right now. So she ended up sleeping in her daughter’s room and later in the morning she got in the bed with me. She went to work the next morning and I went about my day. We spoke during the day, no problem. She was coming home to cook four pieces of fish for us, which wasn’t enough. She told me before we got off the phone that she would see me later. Later, I went out so she didn’t see me. Her daughter, her niece and my daughter were at her brother’s house in the Poconos. I got home that night around 2:30 A.M. She got home when day was starting to break, I guess like 5 A.M. or 6 A.M.

So Friday I go and get the kids from her brother’s house. When I get back she was home. She left about a 30 mins later and said she was going to pick up some money from someone. She didn’t return for about 3 or 4 hours. I really don’t agree with babysitting her neice and her daughter because like I’ve said to her a few times, “I didn’t sign up for this shit,” to be watching three little girls. I will watch her daughter when my daughter is there, but her niece, her daughter and my daughter, I don’t want to. I didn’t say anything though. She also left the sink full of dishes with bacteria in them along with a bag full of pork chop blood. So I assumed that she was going to leave all of that there for me to clean up. I wasn’t going to clean up shit, I would have left that shit there for eternity; well not that long because I plan leaving here Thursday when my daughter leaves for Ohio.

She woke up on Saturday morning cooking breakfast and was going to take my daughter with her fabric shopping, but I had already made up my mind that my daughter was staying with me and she could take her niece alone with her since her daughter Queen was going over her father’s for the weekend. Or she could drop her niece off with her mom and go and do whatever she wanted to do. My daughter and I got home around 9:30 P.M. and Watrina got home around 11 P.M. without her niece, whom she said was over to her mom’s house. She immediately got into the shower and went out. Now I’m not pissed at her for trying to start that bullshit argument with me on Wednesday about old shit. But she’s doing all this other little shit to try and do to me what she say I did to her; leave her at home with her daughter, go out and not tell her where I’m going or call her while I’m out. So she is trying to let me know how it feels I guess, and maybe she wants me to get upset about her not talking to me and her going out, and her leaving me with all the kids. I don’t give a fuck about all that shit and I ain’t saying shit to her.

I’ve made up my mind that there is too much negative energy in this relationship and it needs to end. She told me when she found my phone that I had to get out of her apartment. So maybe she is playing these games with me to make sure I leave, and she is going to get exactly what she wants. This bitch don’t know what love is. She think love is money: she gave e money to get my car fixed so she love me; she bought my daughter some clothes for the summer so she love me; I’m staying here rent free so she love me. Love is about patience, caring, compromise, trust and communication. All that money shit says is that she cares about me to give me a place to stay and to help me out of bad situations. All the other factors: trust, compromise and communication; she sucks at them. She’s all about revenge and games: if I go out, she goes out; if I don’t talk she won’t talk. But I’ve been patient with her since I met her, I’ve tried talking to her numerous times about numerous subjects and I ain’t talking no more. So she feels like she doesn’t have to communicate or try and fix things, just try to do little miscellaneous shit to piss me off. I ain’t getting pissed off at nothing she does. She could probably come with a nigga and fuck him, and while I would be disturbed, I probably wouldn’t say shit or rise up and get out of order.

I’m through with this relationship. She says I don’t want to be with her. I’ve did everything in my power to try and be with her. When she hurt my feeling and I stopped doing all of that, she never did anything to heal my feelings. It’s completely her turn to kiss my ass like I kissed hers, to communicate with me about things she sees wrong and try to suggest ways to correct them. Instead, she tries to do little stupid shit to piss me off, to say fuck me. Well, this is it. I’m leaving. I’ve compromised many times and have been patient enough with her. I said I wasn’t going anywhere. I really told myself that. I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit that another bitch I would have been left alone; I would not be here if I hadn’t told myself that she is the one, and I’m going to love her and keep her and work through all the bullshit. I’ve even had another woman the whole time I’ve been with her to help ease her bullshit. In fact, I’ve grown to love that other woman. Her love for me has outlasted Watrina’s bullshit. And even if I don’t end up with this other woman, I’m still through with this bullshit from Watrina.

She has the fire that I had when I left Ohio: she’s — making 60 grand a year, and her career will take her upward to making 250 grand a year. She has plans on starting her own clothing line as I planned on staring my own Hip Hop production company when I left Ohio. I was on top of the world; knew where I had been, where I was going, and what I was going to go and get out in this world. At –, I’m failing. Not to say that she is going to fail, but just that she is throwing away a good man in me, as I threw away my daughter’s mother because we would have never gotten along, just as Watrina and I will never get along unless she has a serious attitude adjustment and swallows some of her pride in 
dealing with me, as I made up my mind to do for her.

When two people can swallow there pride for one another and take off their cool, that is when they can communicate and make it in a long lasting relationship and take it to marriage. Watrina is not there in her life. She’s at the, “I’m hot shit, fuck the world, I don’t have to compromise for anyone, a nigga better recognize.” And just as I have come to realize, so will she, that attitude will never get you married or your relationship lasting more than 3 years, as ours is about to end after three years.

So my mother is sending me $168 to pay a parking ticket. I’m going to take that money, put my stuff in storage, and live/sleep in my car. I have two good part-time job prospects: Magic Johnson  Theatres and Michael K clothing store. My hopes are that I can stay here and work part time, live in my car and hopefully get a full time Accounting job and get me another apartment and start my life over in New York.

I told myself that I probably shouldn’t have moved in with this bitch because we weren’t getting along even then. But I thought that things would get better if we moved in, but they only got worse. I thought since we would see more of each other, we would trust each other more and everything would work out. I would give her no drama about where she’d been or where she was going as long as she didn’t need my car to get there and she didn’t leave me babysitting her daughter. As long as she came home in a decent time frame after the club closed, we would be cool. That’s all I ever asked or internally asked of her and myself, for us to come home before 5:30 or 6 A.M.

She never really trusted me. Every time I went out, I felt I had to sneak or that she investigated where I went if I told her where I was going, so eventually, I stopped telling her where I was going. I would just tell her when I got home and that is if she asked. And I took that stance because every time I asked her where she was going or where she had been, even if it was not to a club, but just out on a Saturday afternoon, she never gave me any detail; just said, “out, to do some things.” But even still, I trusted her and never bothered her about where she went, or when she got home at 11 P.M. and got off work at 6 P.M. I never demanded to know where she was and she never brought up where she went in general conversation in bed or at dinner. But at times she demanded to know where I went or where I was, and said I was trying to hide something if I didn’t tell her. Basically our communication has always been fucked up. She never knew how to communicate. I tried to communicate with her early on, but after I found that she was taking money from the bank account of a nigga whom she spent the night with in Vegas, my patience and communication fell apart, especially when she wasn’t communicating back to make things better.

We are over. She found my phone and said that she was hurt. So she hurt me and I hurt her. And maybe another reason for her trying to give me all these problems is because she wants to have other children. I don’t and I won’t and she knows that. We’ve been fucking without a rubber for three years and she hasn’t gotten pregnant. I got a trick for bitches trying to have babies by me. No one is having another baby by me unless we plan it and both agree, and that we are married first of all. More Power to Her! She seems to want me to go so I’m out of here! I always look forward to meeting a new and better bitch. I met one on Saturday, not necessarily better, well, a better ass shape and older, but definitely new; and new is always good. And of course I’m going to try and give a relationship a go with Carol Ann. She has a Master’s Degree in Psychology and will make a six figure salary also and she’s intelligent and her pussy is good and tight as opposed to Watrina’s wide and deep pussy. I’ve always liked Carol Ann’s sex better. Now with Watrina gone, I can see if I like really being with her, her attitude and her love that she says she has for me. And If I don’t end up with her, I’m cooling it on the relationship tip for a few years. I’ve been in and out of relationship for the last 10 years. I’m almost like J Lo, we’re Leos and I guess we like to be in relationships.  But this is it.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.12.2001

I’m comin’ back on this subject after seeing the movie “Save The Last Dance”. In the movie this smart high school black kid, very conscious of his blackness, even street smart; he had a ghetto friend who was in and out of juvenile homes, and was a drug dealer tuff kid. But he on the other had had aspirations of being a doctor and had applied to Georgetown University for pre-med. He falls in love with a white girl who comes to the school by way of her mom dying and having to stay with her dad. He and the white girl had a battle of witts in class and it started from there.

The white girl becomes friends with his sister unknowingly, and tells her that he is an asshole, etc. because of their class argument. She’s embarrassed when told that he was her brother. So in a friendly argument upon being formally introduced by the sister, the white girl tells him that she could dance circles around him at a club that they would both attend the following weekend.

So they get to the club scene and the sister gets there with the white girl and a few of her other friends and her brother’s old girlfriend is there and they get into an argument. The sister notes that she doesn’t like the girl because of the way she played her brother, but they never went into detail about how she played him. The brother gets there and his old girlfriend comes and tries to be friendly with him and he disses her because obviously he didn’t like the way she played him neither. He finds the white girl and they get into general conversation and he brings up the dance challenge, and she tries to get out of it because she can dance ballet, but not Hip Hop. She gets on the floor and looks stupid. When they leave in a hurry as a result of his thug friend getting into a fight and he helped him out, he, his sister and the white girl are all going in the same direction. He walks the white girl home and they make a pact that he would teach her some dance moves since she was gonna be hangin out with his sister and going to that club.  During the course of these dance lessons, they talk and fall in love.

Now if this isn’t the story of my senior year in high school when I fell in love with a white girl, I don’t know what is. The girl I was with at the movies said he had Jungle Fever, etc. I said it was just a case of two open minded, intelligent kids coming together through social settings and started loving each other. The same situation happened to me. I met my girlfriend in the bad, now granted, I was a victim of wanting to be with a white girl because that was all the media pushed on me and they just looked so cute and lovable when at school. Every since eighth grade, I wanted one. In 12th grade I found one and fell in love and she loved me back.

Now, why this white girl in my senior year in high school? Before 12th grade, I wanted a relationship with Bethlehem Strong, Marilyn Singleton, Alta Berret, Cinclaire Thomas. These were all beautiful black intelligent young females in my age group but none of the relationships ever happened except for Marilyn. She wasn’t trying to have sex with me and she broke up with me for no reason at all really. See, what most people don’t understand is that a black man want a lady, one that is often seen, but seldom heard and one that is smart. Bethelehem fit this bill perfectly. She was a straight “A” student, very beautiful and I never heard her voice unless she was talking to me or someone else near me. I never seen her in a fight or argument. This is the kind of girl a man wants to love. In fact, I hold a friendly love for Bethelehem in my heart to this day for the lady I know her to be, even though we never were in a relationship together, and even though she may not ever think of me in any kind of way.

When I was in 12th grade, all I knew were loud mouth and rowdy girls with kids who were either with the fathers of the children or were not. And the key words in that sentence are LOUD MOUTH AND ROWDY! Not kids; for after I graduated from high school I was with a girl who had three kids while I was in college, and then another one after I graduated college. I can’t think of one black girl in the whole high school who I wanted to be in love with my senior year except for maybe Calesha Breakley. But she was too skinny, and plus she thought of me like a distant cousin because my first cousin Jerome’s dad was her uncle. I originally had planned on asking her to prom, but I got beat to the punch. There were the twins Sally and Salena but they had boyfriends, and they seemed just a little too damn quiet for me anyway. There was still Bethlehem, but she was in love with Fletcher Hightower and she stopped coming to school looking cute altogether. She was busy loving him while he was away at college and when he was at home. But while he was at home, he was loving Lillian Buckhead and got her pregnant. There was Anazette Thatcher, also one whom I love and respect to this day for the lady she is and was, but she wasn’t interested in me. She was in love with my friend Aderale or Gold.

If I had been in a relationship with Bethlehem or Anazette, a white girl couldn’t have entered my world, at least not then. I was in involved with Sarena Salinger when I got involved with the white girl, but I was under the brain washed mentality that she was dark-skinned and ugly. She wasn’t that cute, but she could dress well and she had a sexy walk and nice body. When I seen her in later years I regretted that I didn’t really get with her in high school. She never gave me another chance even though I tried a couple of times. With Serena, my good friend Rally introduced us. He told me that he had hit it and was passing her on to me because he didn’t like her, so that blinded me to the real beauty of her, which I discovered later on in college at YSU. And plus, I was brain washed thinking that I wanted me a white girl.

Now in the movie these two kids just innocently feel in love. I innocently feel in love with a white girl in high school too, but still I had that “I want a white girl” in the back of my mind. In the movie, he simply wasn’t seeing anyone at the time and neither was she, being that she just transferred to a brand new school. He was a gentleman, and she was a lady and they fell in love. Gentleman and lady, but most importantly, LADY! Even a thug wants a lady, but a gentleman whose set for college and has goals set, he definitely wants a lady to stand by his side. In some cases it doesn’t matter if she is black or white. Most white women present themselves as ladies, so in many cases, they get the gentleman, whether black or white.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.11.2001

My cousin Sloane always asks me when I’m making reference to a woman that I am involved with, she asks, “is she white?” I guess since I was in love with a white girl in 12th grade and messed with a few after that, she assumes that I’m white girl crazy “Jungle Fever.” I had to write her an e-mail telling her to stop that. My white girl days are behind me, (well not really), but she don’t need to know that because I’m not in a relationship with one, it’s just an affair. I had to tell her that I am not searching for a white woman. I am not in the social environment to be socializing with white women for them to get to know me, for us to get into a relationship. And even if I was in a social environment with them, white women don’t make themselves available or let it be known that they will date a black guy and I ain’t necessarily going around asking. I did tell her that if the right white woman comes along and we happen to hook up, so it will be. Fucking around here in New York City, I haven’t had any relations with a woman at all, so if whoever comes along with the right credentials, is white, I‘m taking her.

She responded with this:

As far as the white girl issue. I feel just like if you (I mean in general) can find a white woman to share your hopes and dreams with, you can find a black woman. There are good black women: independent, childless, AND educated out here. After being in D.C. and attending a lot of Howard University events, I realized how many educated black women there are w/o children…just looking for a strong black man. I think too many black men settle, especially military men. They use that excuse overseas of there not being a lot of sistas around. I don’t care how near or far I travel…I will always have a black man. Mind you, not just any black man but one suited for me. I don’t condemn anyone’s love I just know the love that I want. I know, we all must do whatever makes us happy.

I responded back with this:

Well, like I said, I’m not searching for a white woman. If I bring one home, best believe she’ll be thorough. I’ve been traveling all over the U.S. since my freshman year in college and have seen many beautiful black women, but with no access the them, a brother had to do what he had to do which was be with a white girl providing me with porno sex, money, shoes, clothes, and whatever else I wanted. You women don’t understand that men and women are different: one, y’all can go months to years without sex and be happy with y’all vibrator until you come across the right man or until you get over whatever problem you have. Two, to black women, there aren’t that many white, Korean, Chinese or any other race for that matter, that is sexier than a black man. Now for men, there are sexy women of all races, shades, shapes and colors so it’s easier for us to go astray. All we need is a nice smile, nice cute booty, two breast, maybe some thighs and hips, and we are good to fall in love.

Like here in New York for example, I see all types of beautiful women: French, Austrailian, Italian, Trinidadian, Black, Jamaican, Hispanic, Dominican, etc. Now when I first got here, I only tried to talk to black women. What I’ve found out about the whole city is that you don’t meet people here by just talking to them in a friendly way on sight at a bar or where ever you may be. You have to get hooked up through a friend or through work. I don’t have that many friends at work or otherwise. My one friend hooked me up with this Dominican chick who normally, on a sunny day, I wouldn’t try and talk to her as beautiful as she is. Now if she is down witt me, I’m gonna pursue it and whatever happens, happens. I’ve talked to hundreds of black women here, but received nothing but a cold shoulder. I still love em, but I’m at a point where I’m gonna take whatever looks good that is available. I’m on the look-out for a black woman but every beautiful one that I tap on the shoulder and smile at looks at me like I’m stupid.

She in return responded with this:

I hope and pray you find a nice sista and if you happen to get a white girl I hope she keeps you happy. As far as other men besides black men…I’ve traveled a little and I’ve seen some fine men, there are some find Puerto Ricans, even some fine white men and any other race…maybe not as many men as there are women but a brotha doesn’t get with a white girl cause she is fine and we both know that. I really don’t understand why yall do. Me personally, there is nothing and I mean nothing like a brotha especially a chocolate one. Like they say, to each his own.

I understand men have needs…yes, I do; what I don’t understand is how y’all get with a white girl and take her all around like you have some prize or something…half the shit a white girl does to a brotha he’d kill a sista for tryin. Just like men who get babies with one chick and won’t take care of them but you get with someone who has kids that aren’t yours and you taking care of her and them. Charity starts in your house. Not directed at you, but a lot of brothas; how can you have a child and not want to see them? Charity (my daughter) her father would kill me if I ever tried to keep her from him and look at Arkay, you couldn’t pay him to be the father he needs to be to Yarkell. Yarkell is very loving and smart, didn’t ask to be here. He started playing b-ball this year and he’s pretty decent. I wish Arkay would try to come into his life after he becomes someone…be it b-ball or not. I don’t wanna hear that baby’s mama shit either. Yarkell has lived with me and in Ohio and do you know I haven’t seen Arkay in 5+ years and talked to him in 3+, so I know it ain’t me. I don’t bother him at all.

You know after being around a lot of college females they come off like a brotha has to prove himself to them. It’s almost like prove to me how bad you want me. Some sistas are the reason brothas are with white girls. I think I have a problem with me being too independent. I don’t ever wanna hear a guy say…I did this, I did that blahzay blahzay. I can’t see how a woman is a house wife. I don’t care how much the man makes I need my own income for myself. As long as I work a man will never tell me what I can’t spend. He might say baby put it on lay-a-way, or ask me to wait a minute but never ever tell me no I can’t do that.

If you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you stay with your daughter’s mother? I wish I could’ve stayed with Charity’s dad. The only person I’ve ever loved like that is Pulplin Waterford and I wonder if I’ll ever love like that again. How do you know when you’re in love? I know when I get this feeling I can’t explain it but I know when It’s there, like with Pulplin Waterford. Well, have a nice day.

I came back and broke it down like this:

You black women always say “why do they parade around with a white woman like she is a queen, like you don’t see brothas everyday with black women on their arm too. And white women have a different persona about them. Well the ones I’ve known do, and it makes them easier to get along with. When you get along with your mate, you have a good time with your mate; therefore you go out with your mate, black or white. And they are not push overs like most people believe. You see Montell Williams got a divorce, and Patrick Ewing’s wife divorced him after he got caught fuckin’ around with one of the cheerleaders for the team.

And, I can’t speak for most brothers, but I know right now, if something comes along that’s decent lookin’, intelligent, black or white, I’m takin it if I’m feelin’ it like that. And I don’t care who someone gets with. Sistas can get them a white man. My view is that he got a dick just like I do and a heart with feelings. Whatever the person chooses because I’m gonna get what I want regardless. If a good lookin’ sista is witt a white man or any man for that matter, it ultimately means that I can’t have her so I best get to steppin on and find what I want to be in my life.

The question of how do you know you’re in love. You have the only answer. You just know. You care about that person. You would do anything for that person. You feel your best when you are with that person, at home, in public, in bed, etc. That is your love and nothing except for walking in and catching them in a sexual act with someone else would make you want to leave that person; and even that sometimes won’t stop the love. I haven’t felt a love like that I had for Samantha. We were down for each other in whatever way we could be in high school. Sorry she was and is a white girl. The feelings are all gone for her, but it was a great feelin I had with her. I guess life is too complicated as an adult to have love like that because I don’t ever think I’ll feel it like that again. And no, I’m not searching for a white woman to give me that feeling again. And if you say that was just puppy love, then I guess I’ve never really been in love with anyone.

Janelle’s mother got pregnant in three months of me being with her. As time when on, I noticed differences in attitude and personality; one major thing was that she wasn’t really down with me. I told her I wanted to live in New York. She said she wouldn’t live in New York with ONE kid and no family; basically saying to me that she wasn’t woman enough, and she didn’t think that I was man enough to handle ourselves and raise our one child by ourselves. She said she wouldn’t drive in New York because of traffic jams, and she wouldn’t ride the subway. She always talked about how she wanted a fat house and fat car, and complained that she was broke, but wouldn’t go and get a little part-time job to alleviate her little money problems because she wanted to work in an office . She wasn’t qualified to work nowhere because she didn’t finish school. The one office job she held down for a year or two she quit because she wasn’t qualified to receive a big raise like she thought. She used to live in Columbus in a nice apartment above her means with her dad paying the rent. She wanted to be high class, but I didn’t see her trying to start from the bottom where she was to make it to the top where she wanted to get. I guess she thought she was gonna get there on my back. To this day, at age 29 she is still livin’ with her parents talkin’ about what she gonna do when.

I am fun and out-going, and she has social anxiety if you ask me; don’t want to be seen or heard in the public. And when the baby was born, I tried to make everything work with her, but she wouldn’t have sex with me. I got an attitude because she didn’t explain to me with good enough reason why she would do that when I’m tryin to be her man and stand beside her until she can get on her feet so that we could stand by each other side by side and support each other as mother father and child.

It’s like that attitude you have of if “I ain’t got my own, I can’t trust no BLACK MAN to help me get it because he may try and tell me what to do with it.” And every since the baby was born she has been tryin to treat me like an ass-hole who is not responsible enough to care for my child when it’s in my possession. I had to tell her that I had everything in life as far as being an adult that she wanted and didn’t have, so how she gonna treat me like an irresponsible dick head when it comes to being with my daughter. She’s still giving me visitation problems to this day. What I say, she says the opposite when it comes to seeing my daughter; therefore, we will never be friends because there shouldn’t be any argument for a man tryin’ to be a father to his child and spend time with it .I’ve been to court two times: once for overnight visits, and another for out of state visits. Janelle is supposed to come and stay with me for two weeks every three months starting right now, but her mother is trying to give me problems with that. If she loved me, she never showed it. When I stepped out, she never asked me back and I never went back because I felt that she didn’t trust in me and what I wanted to do in life as far as we were concerned. She had her own agenda, which she couldn’t see fusing together with mine so here we have it. She’s still in Warren tryin to get off the ground by herself, and I’m off the ground trying to flap my wings to fly sky high

She never came back after that, but my point is that to men, women are a beautiful thing. A woman’s body is one of the most beatifullest thing in the world (Keith Murry) and sights to see. It don’t matter what race of woman, most have beautiful bodies in clothing, and more so, in the nude. Now many people stick to their race for various reasons: fear of what others will think, or just plain loyalty to the race. But when the option presents itself, I’m sure almost 95% of men will at least have sex with a woman of a different racial background than themselves.

For black men, I think #1 why they go astray is the advertisement of women of other races especially white women in movies, commercials, magazines, porno movies, etc. For #2, it’s to see what it is about the taste of the forbidden fruit. For #3, we as black people feel like the world shuns us. When we are accepted by other people different than us, who normally would shun us; some of us take that acceptance and run with it. We run so far as to try and be like those that accept us, losing, in some cases all traces of ourselves: our language and way of speaking, our traditional foods we eat, and our general way of behavior when just plain chilling, having a brew and hangin’ out.  Now to a black man who feels this way and is bothered by the issue, the greatest acceptance he can receive is to be accepted into a woman’s body, her temple of affection. This acceptance in most cases causes that particular black man to run and never return to his home from which he was born: The Black Woman. For #4, in most cases what you see being advertised in movies, magazines, etc. is what you get in a white woman. They are advertised as the most beautiful, as being easy to get along with, and freaky in the form of sex and porn.

My personal experiences with white women have been just that: ease of attitude, and great sexual experiences. The beauty part, well many brothers may not have the finest or the beautifullest white woman, but there is an illusion that she is or could be. This illusion comes from seeing white women, regular white women, carrying themselves as queens, looking as if they just stepped off the cover of a magazine. My friends and I have often noticed and mentioned to ourselves that on a regular summer day in the mall, you are guaranteed to see 3 to 5 beautiful white women in your view. If you are lucky, you might see one beautiful black woman dressed sexy, hair done, glowing, etc. And this is a small town experience that I’m referring to. It applies in bigger cities, but the ratio of beautiful white women you see to beautiful black women you see is smaller, depending on where you hang out. In New York, Philly, Atlanta, I’ve seen more beautiful black women in the malls on regular days looking like my wife to be. But in a city such as New York where I currently live, the black women are cold to the sound of a young black man’s voice. This coldness could weaken a brother to go astray and stay astray. I ain’t there yet, but I’m broke down with the attitude I receive from black women at a lounge spot like Justin’s on a Tuesday night or out shopping, etc. Very, very slowly, I’m feeling like I want to get me a nice little white woman, move to Indiana, marry, have kids and live happily ever after.

In the past five years, the images of black women, just black people period have been more positive and beautiful in commercials, movies and magazines. It’s no longer the case, where at 9 P.M. on a Monday night you won’t see any blacks advertised in commercials, or on T.V. in our own sitcoms that portray some aspect of our life. This, while great, still is a short lived experience compared to the actual reality of how, I feel, the majority of us carry ourselves in everyday life, in relationships, in our home life and out in public.

This is my educational view as to why I think black men date out of their race and seem just so in love when with a white woman and treat her life a queen. And the best thing I can say for black women who can’t stand seeing black men with white women is to carry yourself every day or when out in public like you are walking up on a pedestal. Start treatin’ your black brothers with simple jobs making average incomes who can’t afford a Range Rover or BMW with a little more respect. Start being a little more freaky behind closed doors because we are all adults and if you won’t tell, I won’t tell. But what you won’t do, maybe a white woman will. Give a brother a few reasons to treat you like a queen and he will do so if you treat him like a king.