Jrnl Entry No. 3.31.2003

Over the weekend, I was supposed to spend it with my girlfriend but what has been happening in the last month or so is that our weekend plans have been getting botched up into arguments and us not spending the time together. See about a month before that I went on an escapade. I wasn’t feeling Watrina at the time because it always seems as if I’m the one giving her all of the attention. I love her very much and would spend most if not all my time with her if I could. I’m always trying to be around her following her like a puppy dog, and she doesn’t mind so I guess you could say that is a good thing. She could tell me to buzz off so she could do her own thing with her friends, male or female, sexual, non-sexual, whatever. But she never complains about me being there. But on the other hand she never invites me there neither. I invite myself: go to her job and meet her and then maybe we’ll go out to eat; to spend the Saturday with her and her daughter if she is not gone with her father; to spend time or the night at my house, I always ask her for these things. She never does it on her own which makes me feel like she is not that concerned at all with spending quality time with me; she can take it or leave it, it doesn’t matter. So I said, “Fuck Watrina”! I’m not asking her shit: to spend time with her, to see her, to call her.

I was kicking it with my new buddy Metaphor “Simile” “MS” Kipperton, this rapper I met on the New York Music scene who I gave some beats to and because this girl from Youngstown Ohio where I went to college at, managed him before, paid for some of his studio time; through her, he connected with me. He is well known on the scene so he gets in all of the spots for free and most of the time, would get me in for free also, so it was all cool.   We were goin’ out on Saturday night to ”CREAM”, Sunday nights to “CLUB NV” or “TIKI ROOM”, Monday nights to “LOTUS”, Tuesday nights to SESSA”. I was actually having fun, living, which ever since I got here to New York, I haven’t been living because I’ve been too broke, paying bills, or not knowing where to go in the first place.

At this point, I had stopped paying my car note, I didn’t pay half my rent for one month because my electricity was out and my landlord didn’t seem as if he was making a strong effort to get the lights back on through electrical work that he had to have done. I also stopped paying my credit card bill which was draining me of $200 a month. So I had a little money to spend. I bought me a Mitchell and Ness throw-back basketball jersey for $325.00 to have the look of the male music industry scene in at least one outfit.

I wasn’t paying Watrina too much attention. And she didn’t seem to be making a big fuss out of it until like three weeks in, after I didn’t go to her nieces birthday party that she thought I planned on attending to meet most of her whole family and plus she had a magic show by a guy that I hooked up with and my other friend Zero was there. I didn’t go. After that weekend, she started really trying to see me but I was still like no, because every time we see each other, I have to wait around for her to do something else. I wasn’t waiting anymore. If she wanted to see me, no waiting till 10 P.M. or 12 A.M. is what I was on.

After that tirade, we got back on schedule a little, except for that the two weekends after that, we planned on spending Saturday night together, but we never did. One night she claimed she went to the Bronx to party with her friends in a hole in a wall bar and didn’t have cab fare back to Queens. The next weekend, which was actually the Friday and Saturday before this day that I’m writing this; Friday she claimed she wanted to see her daughter before she would send her off the next day to her father for a day and half. So at 10 P.M. she went home and told me to call her in an hour. I went home and shaped my hair up because I had this party in mind we could go to of another music industry friend who was promoting the party and the tickets were $20.00. I called her at 11 P.M. and she was not ready, saying that her daughter wasn’t home when she got there so she didn’t want to leave yet. And she knows that at these parties and clubs in New York, that if you don’t get on line by 12 A.M., chances are you won’t get in till 2 A.M. or later and the parties are over at 4 A.M.

So this was another case where she would have me waiting around on her when she told me she would be ready. I told her to forget it I was going by myself because I knew she was not ready. She said she thought the night was about me and her not the party? Well it was until she mentioned that we could go out, and I got all excited about going out with her looking sexy and being there for this dude because he knows a few people in the music industry and he likes some of my beats and he may manage me as a producer. I never told her that is why I really wanted to go to the party. What I was gonna do was go and get the tickets and come back and pick her up but after I bitched at her about not being ready when she told me she would, which seems like a ritual with her, she said she was out of the mood. So I went alone.

I got there at 12:30 A.M. The guy didn’t arrive with the ticket until 1:30 A.M. and then he was trying to get rid of 8 tickets outside so we didn’t go into the party until 2:30 A.M., and it was cold out there and I didn’t have on a jacket so I was kind of glad she didn’t come. The party was crowded, especially in V.I.P. where we were standing. I really wasn’t feeling it. I just went to see who in the music industry I could meet, which I met no one. It’s kind of hard to meet people in the V.I.P. section flossing with bottles of champagne; at least that is what I think, so I didn’t talk to anyone.  

The most I said to someone was to this lady goin’ in and out of the bathroom with this guy. I said to her, “you better stay outta the bathroom with that gentleman.” She laughed at me and told me, “nothing happened in there; I know him.” As if I cared if she knew him or not, like I was gonna spread rumors around the neighborhood the next day.

I stayed till the party ended. I didn’t try to talk to any women because I wasn’t there for that. Talking to women is a job, and when I got my baby Watrina at home who seems, at times, to really care about me, and other times not, I don’t need to work to talk to other bitches, especially if they ain’t that cute and classy to begin with; which there wasn’t one woman who really caught my eye for me to say anything to.

I got home at 5 A.M. I wakes up at 8 A.M. to wash my clothes and my car, and take a shower to take Watrina’s daughter Queen to dance class at Alvin Alley. I was gonna wait for dance class to be over, and Queen’s father was getting her from there, and I was gonna spend the whole day and night with Watrina. When I went to pick her up, she claims she was ready but she took 10 minutes to get down stairs, which also seems like a ritual when it comes to me and she knows I hate that. I called her 8:30 A.M. and she said she would be ready at 9:45 A.M. But when the time came I was still washing my clothes and my car so I told her I’d be there at 10 A.M. I left my house at like 10:07 A.M. get to her house at 10:11 A.M. and she didn’t get downstairs till like 10:20 A.M. I thought she left and got a cab, which would have made me more heated because at times, she isn’t ready for her daughter’s 10:30 A.M. dance class and we don’t leave until 10:40 A.M., but she couldn’t wait on me? But she did wait on me and when she finally came to the door, I says in a comical way, “I was just getting ready to be like forget you, and leave.” She didn’t smile or nothing, just looked at me like I was stupid and got in the car. She continued to have this stupid look on her face as if she had an attitude with me but wasn’t gonna discuss it with me. So I say to her, “I don’t like your attitude.” I didn’t drive off either, so she says, “what, you want me to get out and take a cab?” I didn’t say nothing but again, “I don’t like your attitude.” She got out the car and took her daughter to take a cab, and I left.

I was ready for a joyous day with her and she gets into my car with a gas face. I just drove off and went home and went to sleep. Around 1 P.M. I woke up and got dressed, went and got my coat out the cleaners, and put my suit, which Watrina made for me, into the cleaners. I drove back home and was gonna go upstairs but I just sat in the car because I really didn’t want to do that. After 5 minutes or so of sitting there thinking where I could go, it hit me to go to Barnes and Nobles on 66th street in Manhattan and read Russel Simmon’s book “LIFE and DEF”. So I drove to the train station, put on my jacket and took the train there. I got the book and sat down and started reading it. I sat there for like two hours steady reading. It was an interesting read because I am a Hip Hop Head who loves Russel Simmons.

After about two hours, I purchased the book and went over to Tower Records to buy Norah Jones’ “Come Away With Me” and 50 Cent’s “Get Rich or Die tryin’” albums. I already heard the 50 album because it was Hip Hop. But Norah Jones won like 10 Grammys for this album and she and 50 had been battling for the number one Billboard top 200 chart spot ever since the Grammys were televised. I knew of Norah Jones’ hit single and I liked it, hoped the whole album would sound like that. I saw the price was $12.77 and 50 was $13.99 so I bought both of them. I really didn’t want to buy 50 since I already had a good bootleg CD copy at home. But I figured, if I’m gonna buy Norah and support her and I don’t even know what this album is, what type of music it is or nothing; I better get 50, the hottest Hip Hop album out of a New York MC since Biggie Smalls “Ready To Die.”

After I left the record store, I went to Houston’s maybe hoping to see Watrina there since she said she wanted to go there; maybe catch her with a date or something because the last like 5 weekends had not been spent with me, and the night before she was acting very suspicious about her phone and me using it and maybe checking her voicemail messages. I got to Houston’s and didn’t see Watrina. I ordered dinner, during with the appetizer I started reading Russel’s book some more, and then after dinner, waiting on them to take my plate and bring my check, I read some more. I left the restaurant and went home and put the Norah Jones album in and started to read some more.

It was like 10 P.M. The Norah Jones album was light blues, and the whole album was like that single, “Don’t Know Why.” The music was light and her light voice over the light melodies and drums was a very relaxing listen. I didn’t hear the words, just the music and her voice. I’ve listened to the album like 8 times and I still don’t know half of what she is saying on none of the songs. But I could see why America is going crazy over that album. First, it’s the music and her voice. Second, if you listen closely to the lyrics, it’s blues-like and I heard a few of the lyrics and I understand why people are crazy for it. I know music of all genres, trust me, and she deserves every one of those Grammys she got.

So at this point around 10:45 P.M., I called Watrina for the third time of the day to smooth things over to see if she would come to my house for the night. She didn’t answer her cell phone. I figured because she was mad at me and also she was going out by herself, with girlfriends or a male. She didn’t call me back neither.

After realizing that I’d read over half of Russel’s book, I put it down, shut my ringer off my phone and went to bed because I was tired from only getting like 4 hours of sleep that whole night and day before. The Russel book told the story I already knew about starting Def Jam, RUN DMC, PHAT FARM, DEF COMEDY JAM, ending the distribution deal with Sony, signing with Polygram, Lyor Cohen, Russel’s model dating. What I didn’t know was that he took drugs like he did. He gave a few business pointers, life pointers, race pointers, etc.

I got up the next day and put the Norah Jones album on again and cleaned up my apartment. I still had my phone ringer off because I was mad that Watrina hadn’t spent the night with me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Eventually around 1 P.M. I turned my ringer on and went about my daily business. I went back to sleep, I got up and got dressed, did some push-ups and sit-ups. I started to cook some steak and potatoes and green beans for myself. I also started to read the Russel book some more.

Now this whole day I was contemplating just breaking up with Watrina because it’s been three years and we have been going through this shit the whole time. It’s really getting tired and old, and I just want to stop the relationship because it seems like all we do, every other weekend is be mad about something. Finally after finishing the book, finishing eating, I decided to call Watrina to talk to her and smooth over this rough edge of a weekend we had. All day I had been thinking about not calling her at all but I broke down.

See what I mean, I’m always the one, making all the effort to call, to spend time together, etc. I called her and asked her, “what are you thinking about me right now?” She had nothing to say. I was looking for her to say, that either she loved and missed me or she wants to break up. She said nothing. So we started going into the weekend issue and she had a little sass and chutzpah in her voice and speech. Let me tell you, “if a bitch is being hard with you and edgy, and unsympathetic, it says that she is tired of the situation or that she is tired of the situation and on top of that, she is fucking someone else.”  

Watrina hasn’t spent really good quality time with me in a month and the last two weekends, she has disappeared on me. At the end of the conversation, because she didn’t say that she wanted to break up, I said, “forget it, drop it. I want to see you.” She said she had to braid her daughter’s hair and she would call me back and didn’t know if she would see me or not. An hour and a half later, after she was in the bed half sleep, she called me. She tells me that she is not coming over because she should have been over last night; like that was all my fault. I called her three times during the day and she never answered her phone and didn’t call me later that night. So I bid her a good night and hung up the phone on her ear slightly. I tried to call her back 10 minutes later to tell her I was trying to smooth things over and she was playing games of you-did, who-did. I called her like 7 times and she didn’t pick up the phone, playing games, but of course she is gonna tell me that she was sound asleep in 10 minutes after getting off the phone with me knowing that I was angry at her for not wanting to come over. So I left her a message that, “this relationship is over! What is wrong with trying to smooth things over by spending some time together and forgetting about Friday and Saturday, and you fucked that up on Sunday. Fuck You! I’m going out to find me another bitch to fuck since you don’t want to come over.”

I went to the TIKI ROOM and chilled; met Metphor and Zero there. I was pollyin’ about music, not concerned about bitches. I met this guy who I’d been looking at for a month now who looks like he is in the music industry. Turns out he is down with DJ CLUE and Dessert Storm and works in the Sony building down the block from where I work. I met this female “Combination” whom I’d seen around at Justin’s Restaurant on Tuesday Industry Nights, and other places like two years prior, and Metaphor said she was a rapper. I met this other guy whose face I always recognize. He managed Uncle Sam, a fallen-off R&B Singer, and a few other groups or singers who have all fallen off. I left around 2:45 A.M. drunk off Hennessy and Grand Marnier.

My mind was still made up that I’d broken up with Watrina. I called her when I woke up at 7:30 A.M. to tell her that I’m bringing her leather she bought to make me a leather suit, and her mother’s plate. She tells me to bring it later. I told her I was bringing it now. She asked, “is it that serious?” I said “Yeah, it’s that serious!” She obviously hadn’t gotten my message. When I got to her house I asked had she gotten it. She said yes, not to argue in front of her father. I told her to her face, “this relationship is over, it’s no good.” She nodded her head, handed me the stuff she’d bought for my daughter from the GAP and I left. It was over in my mind. When I got to work, she called at 10 A.M. telling me that she is coming over my house tonight, so I’m just gonna have to let her in because she is gonna be there. I told her, “don’t come and I’m not saying it’s alright because I’m not gonna do like you, always say something and then don’t do it or be late doing it.” She hung up because she was entering the train station. She called me later saying, “we shouldn’t break up. We have a nice family, and we get along together.” All of which is true, even the part about us not breaking up. I love what we have, truly, but it seems that she doesn’t love it as much as I do, or maybe I don’t love as much as I say I do because we keep having these bullshit arguments, I’m tired of them and I want out! She wants to take some time apart but still be together. I don’t believe in that shit because if you need time apart, stay apart, which we can’t seem to make it together, so maybe we should be apart.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.17.2003

I’ve just decided that I am not working today. We get off at three o’clock in celebration of Martin Luther Da King Holiday. Today is my mother’s – Birthday. She just got out of the hospital for infectious blood, causing blood clots in her pelvic area hindering her ability to walk. She was just in the hospital for two months. I went to see her a month ago and ruined my Christmas vacation days but I guess you have to do those type of things you know.

My Christmas was nothing to brag about. I was invited over to my girlfriend’s house for dinner with her father and her daughter. Her mother was at work and her aunt who stays there was at another relative’s house so they filled the void with me. Any other time I’m not allowed to step foot in the apartment.

My New Years was alright. I met this girl by the name of Evette the Saturday before New Years at a party my friend threw at the Supper Club in Manhattan. She looked nice at the party in black pants and a white top. She seemed as if she was skinny. She is my age or a little older and she is a teacher. I was mad at my girlfriend at the time. She hadn’t called me in like three days. I went to Evette’s brother’s house to a little corny New Years house party. When I first saw her brother I originally thought that he was gay. I came to find out that he was far from gay, but maybe a little in the closet bi-sexual. He had two kids, a boy and a girl, and a sexy ass fiancé. His fiancé was short and light skinned, short length hair, and had a big round ole ass that I was staring at all night.

Evette was all corny looking in some corny jeans, a corny little top with her stomach out which was not toned; not really fat, but just not toned. She was a little heavier than what I originally thought at the club though. She had on some corny sneaker shoes that she may have picked up from one of those $39.99 stores on 125th St. in Harlem. We danced a little at the party and drank a little. At 3 A.M. I left. She must did not like me neither because we haven’t talked again after that night.

I crossed the Tri-Boro Bridge. I gave some white guy begging to pay the toll to take him over the bridge, a ride. I probably shouldn’t have done that. He could have killed me but I took a chance. He just wanted a ride, not to have to take a long train ride to get to the same place right across the bridge.

I went to Astoria Projects where my girlfriend lives and said she’d be over her friend’s house getting drunk for the night. I called her to find that she was at the Project Juice bar at a neighborhood party. I told her that I was coming there. I went and they tried to front and not let me in the door like it was some fancy club in Manhattan. I called her back and told her to come outside since they wouldn’t let me in. She told the guy at the door to let me in. They were charging $10.00 to get in there and I paid it; a free drink came with the $10 entrance fee. I went to the bar to try and get a Hennessy and Remy Martin drink. The guy told me that mixed drinks don’t come free with his stupid ass. He should know that Hennessy cost more than Remy Red so his overhead would have been cheaper if he would have mixed the drink than just give me straight Henny which is what I asked for after he told me that stupid shit.

The party was alright, full of all the hood rats, men and women from the neighborhood. Bonet, Watrina’s friend was there with her, and she was in the mood to dance. She was bobbing her head to the music. She had on this red outfit and was looking corny to me because it didn’t fit her body right and tight, or maybe she just doesn’t have a body like that. When we got outside later that night, I realized that the outfit was an Echo Red velour suit. She had on some blue and white Tims with it and it just didn’t go.

Watrina was in a dancing mood. We started dancing; me, her and Bonet. Watrina left me to go and dance with someone else she knew from the hood. I just chilled in the area where we were standing. I noticed every time she turned around the guy she was dancing with would purposely move his pelvis forward to put his dick on her ass. One time, he was pointing at her ass as she turned around. I didn’t trip. He was drunk, oh well. Another time she danced with another guy and he was doing the same thing when she turned around right there in front of my face. When she got done dancing with him, I told her, “please don’t put your ass on niggaz dicks in front of me.” She was like, “chill, I’m in my neighborhood.” I just repeated myself because I see these corny ass mutha fuckaz pushing their dick out every time she turned around. I didn’t mind her dancing, but the grinding shit had to go. I told her that I could go home if that is what she wanted to do. She went over and started dancing with some other guy. I saw her being a little more careful about him putting his dick on her ass. But I wasn’t really paying her any attention at that point.

I was sitting there chilling and some drunk lady came over telling me how good I looked, that I couldn’t be from around Astoria, etc. I danced with her and she wanted me to grind on her, but I don’t believe in pushing my dick on no bitch ass but the bitch I am fucking. If a bitch turn around and she puts her ass on my dick like this girl was doing, I just dance normal and do my thing. But these niggaz dancing with Watrina were like, once she turned around, running to grind on her ass. Her friend Ney, when she heard me telling Watrina to stop putting her ass on niggaz dicks in front of me, started screaming out, “don’t be the jealous boyfriend, she is going home with you tonight,”

When Watrina saw that one girl grinding on me she came over there to break that shit up. The girl was telling her that I loved her (Watrina) because I wouldn’t grind her ass and I had told her that I was there with Watrina. The night went smoothly. Watrina’s friend Temeace, whom Watrina thinks I like, showed up and we danced a little. There wasn’t but one bitch other than Watrina that I would have talked to in there that night. Some dark skinned shorty with a weave in her hair, a little fat ass, etc. I should have talked to her when Watrina left after our short argument and she went to dance with another guy, whom they were in each other’s ear for a minute.

Watrina does what she does but when I do the same shit she gets mad and bitch about it just like I do. She really doesn’t know how to handle this serious relationship which is what I think we have. But she is learning. I love her and want to work with her to make it work because I think we can have a good future together.

I had to leave her by herself in a club last week. She was acting like she didn’t want to be there with me so I went off by myself to do my thing. She was complaining from the moment she stepped out of the car; about her feet, she didn’t have any money. When we got inside she didn’t take off her coat. She moved from sitting with me because she said she wanted to get out of this lighted area where we were sitting. Maybe she didn’t want somebody, one of her friends to spot her there with me. I don’t know, but I wasn’t feeling at all that she wanted to be there with me. When I came back to meet with her because it seemed to me that she was gonna sit there all night, she was gone. I searched the club for her and didn’t find her. I went outside and called her and left a message on her machine and I went home. She didn’t call me Saturday.

Saturday night Carol Ann, whom I’ve been fucking with the whole time I’ve known Watrina; she called and I went to her house in Jersey and spent the night. I didn’t come home till the next night like 9 P.M. I then went to the TIKI ROOM, this Sunday night spot that is free to get into. I buy me a French Connection “Grand Marnier and Hennessy and I usually chill, talk to a few honey’s that I view as worthy of me stepping to them, and try to meet people in the music industry. This night I met my man Zero and we were chillin’ and talking. He bought me a second drink so I was real drunk after that. I was following this little short sexy dark skinned young lady by the name of Kim around. I probably could have gotten with her but by the end of the night I was so drunk I left and had forgotten all about her, as I did the week before, about this girl from Harlem whose number I thought I could have gotten. She was dark skinned and thick.

I’ve met a few people at the TIKI ROOM. I met Rockwilder there and talked to him about Hip Hop Production. I met Yogi of the one album group, “CRU”. He produced that whole album and I thought it was incredible. I met Pharoach Monche also. I tried to talk to him about getting a track on his album since he said he was working on it. He said it was finished though. They say they are gonna charge to get in the TIKI ROOM next week. It’s a cool spot and I like it so I’ll pay $10 to get in, definitely not $20 though.

I’ve been goin’ out every since the holidays, spending money that I don’t have. My electric is out in my apartment and I am not paying my landlord no money till he fix that shit. It’s been out for a month now. So I’ve been spending the rent money. I’m about to spend this half I got now on a trip to Atlanta for the All Star Weekend. I asked Watrina to send me but I don’t think she is. I guess she doesn’t want to feel like she is playing herself by sending me on a party trip. I told her that I would like to see my father which I would since I haven’t seen him in like 4 years. I’ma have to ask her again.

Watrina spends so much money I don’t see what is wrong with her spending a little on me. She bought me two pair of jeans for Christmas the day after Christmas from The Atrium. She took me shopping with her. She bought herself three pair of A.G. Jeans. I forget the name of the designer, but those are the initials. The jeans cost like $169 a pair. The total bill came up to like $579 and she thought that was cheap. One pair of my jeans cost $40 on sale, originally $79; the other pair cost $99, originally $139. I’ve bought some shirts to go with the jeans and a few pair of sneakers.

I hope Watrina reimburses me or this stuff or pays my rent because if she doesn’t I’m in trouble. She is trying to break up with me for leaving her at the club but I won’t let her. We’ve made love and spent a few nights together since that night. She could be just using me till she finds another guy but I doubt it and if she is, I’ll live. She told me that a guy like me in NY is hard to find, with his own apartment, car, nice job, big dick, etc. She says she know a few guys whose dick’s aren’t the size of mine on soft when they are hard. That shit just blows up my head a little.

Women always complain about finding a good man. I think I am good so I naturally think that any woman should be happy with me. I got many if not all of the qualities that they say they look for in a man. That is why when a bitch don’t do what I want her to do, I don’t talk to her for a few days to let her think about what she will lose if she don’t act right. If she gets too bad, I’ll break out. But I got to cut that shit out especially with Watrina because she is too young to be putting up with that shit and she is showing and telling me that she is not gonna put up with it. But I’d rather just walk away and not talk for a few days than have a big argument and still not talk for a few days. I’m finding out that is a bad way to handle the situation with your partner. If I ever want to keep a mate and I do want to keep Watrina, I better stop that shit.

Boy Watrina has done a number on me. She’s always thonged out. He ass, though it looks flat in some jeans that she wears, is so soft and jello-like when it is in my hands. I love when she rides my dick and her ass flaps up and down on my dick. I just bust a big ole nut and let the feel good out. I like her little cute tidies. We have a good sex life. She ain’t afraid to put the dick in her mouth neither. She licks my ass at times when she is sucking my dick. I guess she felt how good it felt when I do it to her when I lick her pussy and ass hole; she decided to return the good feeling to me. Now I got to work her up to making me cum in her mouth from sucking my dick. If we get married, I told her that I’m fucking her in her ass on our honey moon, or soon after. Now that would be the ultimate sex life without being a swing couple. I can’t let Watrina go because a good sex life; with style, money, not fat and flabby, and who is willing to take care of me, hit me off with some doe when I need it; I’d be a fool to let that go and I’ma hold on as long as I can. She probably thinks the same thing about me so maybe we will make it.

The re-po man is after my car since I haven’t paid my car payment in like 3 months. They called my apartment in Queens. At first I wondered how they got the number, but that was easy because it is a listed number. They still have no clue that it’s me who lives there though. They tried calling my mother saying they had an insurance check for me and could they send it to the Jackson St. Address. So apparently they’ve done a little research and found out where I used to live in the past and present. I don’t park my car in front of my apartment building so they may find it, they may not; if they do that will be fucked up.

It will be good to have the money in my pocket. Maybe I’ll live like a real New Yorker spending the money I would on a car payment and take cabs here and there with some of the money; rent cars to go to Ohio to pick up my daughter, etc. It will probably be a cheaper move actually than paying $342 a month for a car payment. I dropped my insurance two years ago, they are also looking for the car for that purpose. We’ll see if they find it though. If they do, it’s not worth much with 112,000 miles and it’s only 4 years old, so they won’t be able to sell it for much if they do get it back. I’ve gotten my money’s worth out of it; driven to Mississippi, to Atlanta, back and forth numerous times to Ohio and New York.

My finances are all fucked up. I consider myself a failure in life because of that fact. I’m nowhere in life right now; further than a lot of niggaz, but still nowhere to my standard of living. My apartment is raggedy, I don’t have all the clothes I want, I don’t have a dime in the bank, just debt, and that is a fucked up way to live. Watrina I my emergency money, and that shit is not always gonna be there so I better not get too used to it. I’ll get this shit together one day but until then I’m livin’ on the edge trying to get into this music industry and make money which there is no guarantee that I will make a lot of money doing that. All this make me constantly say that life is bullshit. But Oh Well.

Jrnl Entry No. 9.28.2002

My girlfriend Watrina told me that I gave her a little STD. I don’t understand how because I have had no symptoms of an STD. I guess it is possible since I’m fuckin Carol Ann, Coffee and Haitie from the bank all raw. I hate condoms. I’ve been fuckin Carol Ann for a year and half now so it didn’t come from her unless the last time she visited her fiancé in LA, he gave it to her. It could have come from Coffee most likely. She is a homeless chick from what I know, always moving around a lot. I shouldn’t be fuckin’ her. I don’t call her, but every time she calls me I go and get her. I just can’t turn down pussy if there is nothing else to do. I guess I’m a sex addict. I could have gotten it from Haitie. She was adamant about me using a condom which means she either does it with condoms all the time, or she knew she had a little bug and didn’t want me to catch it. I’d slip the condom off on her and she wouldn’t even know it. We fucked about two three times. She wouldn’t let me get wild in the ass because she wasn’t comfortable yet and her pussy wasn’t used to me. We stopped talking because she sensed that I had a girlfriend and I broke off a couple of dates with her. She wants a nigga to be there at her every beck and call and I wasn’t because I had a girlfriend.

So I took the prescription that my girlfriend gave me and then what did I do? I went and slept right back with Carol Ann and Coffee in the same night, raw. So now I got to continue to use condoms with my girlfriend, which she wants to until she goes back to the doctor. Then I have to go to the doctor to see if I have anything and then if I do, I have to tell Carol Ann and Cofffee to go to the doctor. It shouldn’t be a problem with either of them. Carol Ann doesn’t know if her fiancé is not sleeping with anyone so she shouldn’t have any questions. Coffee is fucking other people and keeps trying to tell me that she is pregnant. She wants either me or a child support check; neither of which she will get from me. Not because I won’t pay or I’ll disappear, but for reasons that only I know and will never tell if I haven’t told already.

I told Watrina to move in with me but she refuses. If she was there, I wouldn’t be able to fuck these other women. Like Coffee called me at 1 A.M. the other night to come over and I went and got her. I tried to use a condom with her but she wouldn’t let me. Carol Ann got her own place again so I could sneak over her house after work or something if I wished, but I probably wouldn’t if I lived with Watrina.

I really love Watrina. She is a beautiful, sexy, ambitious young lady and all that is a good combination. She treats me very well, better than anybody with the exception of Rebecca. I hope I don’t get busted in all this outside fuckin’ that I’m doin and that we stay together. She is it. And if there is an after her, I’m chillin’ the next time around, just fuckin’, no love unless a bitch is beautiful and has a bright future ahead of her and she wants love.

I got a CD burner now so I don’t have to depend on Medeline to make my beat CDs. I plan on putting like 10 songs on a CD at a time and selling them mix tape style for $10 a pop like DJ Clue. Nobody does that so I hope it comes off and maybe some of my beats will get picked up like that to be on professional albums. I’m now in the process of putting snippets of every song I’ve ever done on a CD. With my next tape, I’ll put the full length songs on a CD.

What is life bringing me, I don’t know? I’m tired of the unknown, but still I’m goin’ slowly and with less fire than before, but I haven’t quit. I’m gonna go until I reach age – and if nothing by then, I’ll go back to school if I’m still working as an accountant, to go and get my MBA. And that is my life plan. I don’t know what else to do. Watrina says I need to be an A&R but you can’t just pop up and be that. A&Rs start as interns; or they get hooked up through friends which I have none in the music industry. She says I should go to some modeling agencies during lunch because I look good. But I don’t have any pictures. She has a $500 camera but hasn’t taken any pictures of me. She took some last year but won’t give them to me to take to agencies because she says they aren’t good pictures.

I don’t know man. I’m trying to talk Watrina into buying this house that my cousin is selling in Ohio. It’s only like $15,000 at most and it already has tenants and all we’d have to do is be landlords and collect $300 a month rent, which will turn into income when the house is paid off. Real Estate is a little plan of mine if I ever get my hands on some money. I’m trying to save a little money now, $25 a paycheck for emergencies or whatever if an emergency never comes up. I’ve been paying my car note like every other month since I’m already classified as late because I won’t pay the $53 a month insurance fee they tacked on when I dropped my insurance about two years ago. That is how I’m livin’. I’m kind of on edge but fuck it, what can I do? Watrina is optimistic about the future, which is another reason why I love her. If I didn’t have her I probably wouldn’t be in New York right now. I don’t even think she knows how much I love and need her right now.

Jrnl Entry No. 9.26.2002

It is now Sept 26, 2002 and Janelle’s birthday was yesterday. I sent her a Barbie Volkswagon Bug Car in the mail last week. She tells me that she is gonna have a party and that she and her mom wrote out invitations to it, but I didn’t get one. I guess Victoria doesn’t think a father should be invited to his daughter’s birthday parties, especially if he lives out of town. I probably wouldn’t have went, but that ain’t the point. There is a 50/50 chance of me goin’ and not goin’ if I would have found out about it sooner than last week when I asked Victoria on the phone was she throwing her a party. Victoria really doesn’t know how to handle this baby daddy shit. I hope it has taught her ass a good lesson like it has taught me, to never have kids by any bitch again, or at the least until you have been married to the bitch for two or three years.

Watrina wants another kid, but she is gonna have a hard time getting another kid out of this dick. We’ve been together now for a year and a half and I love her too much. I always want to be around her. I want her to move in with her daughter. I get mad when she is out and don’t call me by 8 P.M. to let me know where is like last night. If she doesn’t ask to see me I get mad because I always want to see her and seems like I am always initiating the, spending of time together between us two. It almost seems like I have to force her over to my house to spend some decent quality time. That is why I keeps my other bitches around. I got Carol Ann, Coffee and Haitie.

Haitie is the finest out the bunch. If she had a better job and a better way of living, I’d probably drop Watrina for her because Watrina is not fulfilling all of my needs. She will, in time, but I don’t like the wait. But sometimes I think the wait will be worth it. You see Watrina likes to spend money a lot on little big things; like she spent $500 on a Coach carrying travel bag; $300 on a pair of sandles which were worth it because I have yet to see any like them or as hot as them; $269 on a pair of Adriano Goldsmied jeans; before I met her, she spent $500 on a camera which she doesn’t know how to work and she doesn’t use it anymore because she claims that it needs a new lens which is gonna cost another $500. She spent $350 on a car for her daughter when she turned two, which was entirely too young for her to have that, and plus she doesn’t ride it because it’s stored over her cousin’s house; for it can’t fit in her mom and dad’s apartment, and plus it’s broken. She spent a lot of money on her daughter’s birthday party, which that is not a bad thing, but she plans on spending this money every year and that is ridiculous.

Watrina plans on starting some type of business so she can live large; she is gonna have to chill with the spending habits. Right now her mind is focused on starting a little clothing line for children, some expensive shit like tuxes and gowns for like $500 to start. So I figure her spending habits and ambitions will get her somewhere in the future, maybe to millionaire status that she wants. If it doesn’t, we can make it together on our salaries for work. Together as I speak, our salary combined is $95,000: $40,000 mines, $55,000 hers. Mine breaks down like this: $950 Rent, $220 Crdt Card, $342 Car Payment, $370 Child Support, $60 Train, $90 Gas, Light and Phone Bill, $50 Grocery, and about $50 to spend or save, which ever one I choose.

Watrina lives at home so I don’t know what the fuck she does with her money but pay for her brother’s and mother/father wedding, save a little I guess she does, but she also blows a lot right in front of my eyes. Like one night she took me and her cousins from Jamaica out to Club Nells. She spent $200 that night. I can’t see myself spending that money unless I’m straight like that with bills, house, etc. But she blows money like that and she ain’t got shit. She lives in the projects with her parents in a room for her and her daughter, on a broken down bunk bed that she claims the springs are poppin’ up and stickin’ her in the back. Maybe she is doin’ this because she is young and feels she has time to blow money and make more to replace it.

The fact that we could make a good living if we got together and budgeted our money, plus the pussy is good, she is young and sexy, and besides me being all in love and wanting to spend all my time with her like a little bitch, and she not obliging me on that end, we get along just fine and will get along.

So I got my other bitches to fulfill my void when Watrina doesn’t want to be there. And I guess until we get engaged and move in together, I’ll always have someone else. Am I a dog for that? Maybe! But “fuck that shit cause I got to live” (Ice Cube). And what if the time that I complain about her not spending with me, she is fucking some other nigga. She has many friends and won’t let them go for some reason or another. Sometimes I feel like she is wasting her time and mine, and that is why I cheat. If she would love me like Rebecca loved me – even though Rebecca fucked every nigga that ever smiled at her and asked her for her number while she was in a so-called relationship with me – I could have had all or most of her time if I wanted it. I guess I’m only getting what I gave out to Rebecca and Lauren being with them both at the same time. I was with one on Friday, the other on Saturday, and I feel that is how Watrina is playing me sometimes. She never spends too many consecutive days with me, and she doesn’t tell me where she spends her time at when she doesn’t spend it with me. So if I’m getting it back, at the same time, I’m still dishing it out, and one day life will come together and I won’t have to do this shit. I can be happy with one bitch and she will be happy with me.

HAVE YOU EVER FELT NEGLECTED (WRONGLY OR RIGHTLY) BY A PARTNER OR SPOUSE SO YOU JUST SAID FUCK IT, I’LL GO OUT AND GET ME ANOTHER WOMAN OR MAN?

Jrnl Entry 3.9.2004

It’s the day before The Notorious B.I.G. “Biggie Smalls” “Frank White” was killed in Los Angeles seven years ago. I remember I was working at NRM record store in the Eastwood Mall in Niles Ohio the morning of March 10, 1997 when the news got to my ears. It was close to the time for B.I.G.s  second LP to be released, and my first thought was that “wow, he is gonna sell a lot of records.” 

So he’s been dead now for seven years and people are giving him an MC crown as the best MC. How and the hell can you receive a “Best MC” title off of two albums; the second, which was a complete flip from the 1st? In my eyes, you can’t. Biggie was good, he may have been able to become the best MC if his career would have lasted more than three years. That is all he gets from me as far as titles go. I can’t bestow “Best MC” or “Greatest Album” in his debut “Ready To Die” upon him.  The greatest Hip Hop  album of all time that still has not been topped in my eyes is “It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back” by Public Enemy. Then after that is “Amerikaz Most Wanted” by Ice Cube.  I guess much props goes to Hank Shocklee and the Bomb Squad who produced both those albums. Then third is “Niggaz4Life” by NWA. I guess much props goes to the West Coast MCs (even though I’m East Coast till death regardless of you pussies who want to shun the difference between the three coast (west, east, and south (which includes the Midwest)) for having made two out of the three.

Just listen to the production, lyrical flow, style, presence, and content (well, maybe not content on NWAs part) of these albums and you’ll have to agree. Ready To Die was a very good album, but so was “Capital Punishment” by Big Punisher, which I’d have to say was, over the top, better than Ready To Die. But no lyrical content, production, style and grace has ever topped PEs second LP. And while Chuck D holds the crown for having the greatest album ever, he isn’t in the top five of greatest MCs so the two do not go hand in hand.

But anyway, back to my life. New York is killing me. There seem to be no open doors here amongst the millions of damn doors that can be opened in this place. Doors for my Hip Hop production are not being opened. Doors for a job at one of the many Hip Hop, as well as Hip Hop influenced companies in this city. This girl I know works for Akedemiks Hip Hop clothing line. I asked her to check into an accounting job for me, and I never heard from her again and she changed her e-mail address. I know a guy who spends his days walking around Def Jam Records, but yet, he hasn’t gotten himself signed, nor has he gotten any of my beats sold. I have a Frat brother here who has so much power here because he throws all of the hot parties where music industry people hang out and depend on him to get in the parties and in V.I.P. Yet, he will not grant me grand access to all these parties and V.I.P. status, not has he offered to help me sell any of my beats through all these music industry contacts he has, nor, even in my unemployment has he offered any type of job with the small/big PR company “Black Diamond” that he is vice president of.

It also seems that I am being racially discriminated against in this city as far as receiving employment. Employers call my house and when they hear my deep African American voice, they just hang up. Or employment agencies will invite me to their offices to fill out an application and talk a little bullshit, and then I will never hear from them again, and when I call and leave them a message they will not call me 
back or if I get them on the phone, they will say they have nothing for me. I don’t know what to do. All my unemployment money had run out. I went out to look for a part time job but they seem to be equally unwilling to give an African American a job. Damn, it’s almost like we are right back  in the 60s. Here I am a nigga with a college degree, 5 years work experience, yet, there is no job for me even in a poot-butt clothing or shoe store.

This job search is having an effect on my love life. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years now, going on three. I’m questioning myself as to whether I love her anymore. I’m wondering if that question is because of my depression with not being able to secure employment or if I really don’t love her anymore. I loved her so in the beginning, I was there hand and foot for her, loved to be around her, and I wanted her to move in with me. As time wore on, we had two big fights where she busted out my car window. I threw her cell phone out the window because she was talking to this friend of hers on her cell phone, a guy who likes her. We moved in together, I found this same guys ATM card in her wallet, and then I found it again after I cut up the first one. When we were not living together, she was having a telephone affair with this guy from her job who works in Minneapolis. So while I was giving my all and not talking to other bitches and inviting them to my apartment and fucking the shit out of them, she was talking to who knows how many guys and doing what with them. She has threw all my stuff in 
the middle of the floor and told me to leave. We have gotten into another fight where she scratched my face and she had a big bruise on her shoulder from me slamming her against the wall. She gets in an uproar over people calling and hanging up, thinking that I am stupid enough to give some bitch that I fucked or am trying to fuck the house number where I am staying with another woman.

She thinks she has the right to rise up in my face like she is going to whip my ass. I don’t want a woman who thinks that she can fight me or want to fight me over her jealousy issues. I want a sweet bitch who trust me even though men fuck other bitches, I am her knight in shining armor, who fucks her well, cooks for her from time to time, and cleans from time to time, who looks good, dresses well, even though unemployed, who has the potential to earn good money. I’ve been taught that next to a rich man, the good man I just described, should not have much problems getting along with his woman, but yet I am. I think that had I have found a job by now, I would have moved.

I hear I’ll have problems out of every woman that could be worse than what I already have so I should be thankful for a non-gold digger, who works, who is not on my back about working, who fucks, cooks, and cleans well. Yeah, all of that is fine and well, but I want to be in love. I am not in love anymore especially with the finding of that second ATM card, where I moved to Atlanta, and that last big fight we had with the scratches and bruises. Over this past weekend in Ohio, I ran into this old 
sweet little girl I used fuck in college. I was thinking as I was talking to her, I should have stayed with her, she’s cute, wears her real hair (another problem I have with Watrina, while she has beautiful hair, she wears ugly weaves sometimes and it pisses me off), and she likes me. But I’m in New York and she is in Youngstown and I am not trying to go back to that corny place.

I was also thinking about Lynaye all weekend. I’ve had a crush on Lynaye ever since I made up my mind that it was her I wanted to talk to and not her friend Summer. See when I first met them after they performed on a talent show, Summer had nice tidy’s while Lynaye had the better looking ass. After seeing them a few more times together, I decided that Lynaye was for me and I went on my quest to get her. It started with my being an Alpha in college and her always attending all of the Alpha parties. I seen her in my local mall and I approached her and she was receptive. I got her number and called her and rode my motor scooter to her house. Her family, mom and sister were nice to me. I felt as if there was no doubt she would be my girlfriend and for the second time in my life I would experience true love. But I never asked her to be my girlfriend and she never asked that of me. She was young, in the 12th grade and I was a sophomore in college. We hung out, or rather she used me to get popularity amongst her peers in high school. I tried kissing her one time when we were alone and she blew that off. And she told me this long list of things a guy 
would have to do to get her in the mood, like massage her head, which I thought was stupid. It seemed you would have to go through a lot to get those drawls so I never really tried to make a move on her again. However, she was so beautiful to me, from time to time we’d hang out still. Just so happen she moved to New York two years before I did right after she graduated from college. We touched base a few times but still never brought out the love interest I had in her because she had boyfriends and I had Watrina the last time we touched base. But now, Lynaye is single, and Watrina and my relationship is not what I want it to be. So all weekend I’ve been thinking about calling Lynaye and having dinner with her and telling her how I really feel and asking her for the chance to love to her once and for all. I think she is beautiful, has good employment, and it would be a fresh love start because Watrina has killed my love for her, at least for the moment.

But this morning when I woke up, the urge to call Lynaye was not as great as it has been all weekend nor as it was when I went to bed last night with Watrina in my arms. So I don’t know. And they say, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Watrina is here for me right now in my time of need, but I feel the need to get away from her and her violent stints of jealousy before I seriously hurt her and end up in jail. I shouldn’t be with anyone whom I think I will have to fight and be locked up for.  I’ve been dating other bitches: Jackie, Natlie, Tiffany, Tracey, Traci. I talked to women on the phone who wouldn’t hook up with me: Kristy, Jennifer, Rachel. But none of these women have offered me anything, not even the pussy just to fuck around with. So what is happening with me? I don’t have a job, and to my surprise, a few family members are helping a me a little. My cousin Shaneequa gave me $200.00 when I went to see her. I don’t know if she was trying to play me or not by handing me the money right in front of Watrina. My Uncle Luther has offered his helping hand if I ever need anything.

My girlfriend is just now showing respect and interest in me that she should have shown all along considering how I was treating her. Now that she is cooperating, I’m not sure if I want her cooperation. I’ve tried to a non-success rate, to fuck other bitches. My music and everything else seems to be going nowhere. I wrote a documentary that I just sent in to be copyrighted but  I don’t want to start on that until I incorporate my Production company, and trademark my name and logo. And on top of all of this my grandmother, the oldest of the next generation in my family, is dying from Diabetes complications. So nothing seems to be going as plan, and everybody’s suggestion is that I try God! When God gives me a good job and happiness in my life, maybe I’ll try him. But for now, I’m on my own.

Jrnl Entry No. 7.9.2004

So Watrina, this bitch is trying to be real foul now. Wednesday we were to have dinner with her cousin because he seems like an intelligent guy: graduated from West Point, was in the military, and now he does product planning for master card, he’s the guy under the Senior Vice President. He has a big house out in Westchester, I think he said 3500 square feet. He talks real proper like a white man, and as I mentioned to someone else before that while it is worth a mention that he married a white woman from Iraq from the first war over there like in 91, it really doesn’t say much: a woman is a woman, whomever it is that satisfies you, do you.

So Wednesday afternoon, I call her for something and she starts in on some bullshit like “why didn’t you come and see me after your job interview”, which I had an interview that morning with an advertising agency, Cline, Davis & Mann. She ended up hanging up the phone on me because I wasn’t paying her no mind. I guess she thought that would make me not want to go to the dinner, which I was invited to and I already knew the place where we were supposed to eat, so our communication couldn’t be thrown off if I wasn’t able to reach her by phone like it was when we were supposed to go see the Wayans brother’s film “White Chicks.” She hung up the phone on me that day and our communication got thrown off. I ended up going to the movies by myself and she did what she did.

I think she’s either trying to lead me to believe that she fucking or going out with someone else and she’s not, or she really is seeing someone else, thinking that she is slick, but truth be told, “I don’t give a fuck.” So I get to the restaurant about five minutes late and her cousin and she are already at the bar having drinks, waiting for a table. She sees me as I walk in and I join them. We had a nice dinner, good conversation and advice about how to succeed. Like he said on his present job, he has always been ambitious to ask for new and bigger assignments. On all my jobs I just laid back and basically did nothing, probably why I can’t find another job right now. He said one interesting thing that I found surprising. “I will probably never make it to be CEO of anyone else’s company, look at my skin, there is only one of us who made it there, and he is not there anymore.” He was speaking of the black man who became CEO of Time Warner AOL. It surprised me because usually those people who speak really good ole boy, white, proper English, who are ambitious, they usually think they can break the white man’s effort to not let blacks get to the very top.

But anyway, we have the dinner, and as soon as we leave from his presence, she brings up another old argument that we had two weeks ago, and she was talking about she was going somewhere, out and about, and I couldn’t come. But I stayed with her because I didn’t have anything else to do. She kept trying to get me into a heated argument so that I would leave her presence. So like I said, either she is 
trying to lead me to believe that she is messing with someone else, or she is, thinking that she is being slick, but truth be told, “I don’t give a fuck!” So she stops and sits on this stoop for a while saying that she was not going to go drinking with me because she was not going to have a good time thinking about the argument that she was trying to start about two week old shit, that we fucked and made up about.

So I sat there with her patiently. After about thirty minutes of sitting there silent she decided to get up. I said, “So where we goin,” and she said, “Home” So she’s walking ever so slowly to the train station, supposedly because her sandals were hurting her feet. But usually I complain about her walking so slowly, so maybe that was just another plot to piss me off to get me to walk off, which is what I used to 
do. But I’m so on to all of her games that it’s funny to me. So I walked slowly with her, not talking, in silence. So when we get near home I cross the street, separate from her and get home a little ahead of her. I was thinking that she was just going to get in her truck and go where she wanted. I didn’t care by then because if she was going to go out her way that much to come back to Queens and get in her truck and drive back to the city or where ever she wanted to go, then so be it. If a mutha fucka wants 
to creep or do whatever they want to do, they are going to do it, and the only way to try and stop them is to make a big fool of yourself. Like if I wanted to stop her from getting in her truck without me, I would probably have had to burst out her window and get in the passenger side or fight my way in through the drivers side with her, which I was not at all willing to. 

My last true love was when I was 18. When I was 23/24 I made a fool of myself trying to stop someone from getting rid of me and I didn’t even really love the girl. I’m — now and if a bitch wants to truly leave, I am in no way trying to stop her. Watrina and I ended up coming home, and when we got here I wanted to go out to my car to listen to this brand new track I had finished. Watrina asked me where I was going. Now she hadn’t said two words to me in the last hour and a half, and her first words were, “where are you going?” I hesitated for a moment, but then I just said, “to the car.” If I was really going somewhere I wouldn’t have said shit. She just chose the wrong day to try and battle with me. As a matter of fact, it’s the wrong time period because I’m through with it. I ain’t studden nuttin that she is doing right now. So she ended up sleeping in her daughter’s room and later in the morning she got in the bed with me. She went to work the next morning and I went about my day. We spoke during the day, no problem. She was coming home to cook four pieces of fish for us, which wasn’t enough. She told me before we got off the phone that she would see me later. Later, I went out so she didn’t see me. Her daughter, her niece and my daughter were at her brother’s house in the Poconos. I got home that night around 2:30 A.M. She got home when day was starting to break, I guess like 5 A.M. or 6 A.M.

So Friday I go and get the kids from her brother’s house. When I get back she was home. She left about a 30 mins later and said she was going to pick up some money from someone. She didn’t return for about 3 or 4 hours. I really don’t agree with babysitting her neice and her daughter because like I’ve said to her a few times, “I didn’t sign up for this shit,” to be watching three little girls. I will watch her daughter when my daughter is there, but her niece, her daughter and my daughter, I don’t want to. I didn’t say anything though. She also left the sink full of dishes with bacteria in them along with a bag full of pork chop blood. So I assumed that she was going to leave all of that there for me to clean up. I wasn’t going to clean up shit, I would have left that shit there for eternity; well not that long because I plan leaving here Thursday when my daughter leaves for Ohio.

She woke up on Saturday morning cooking breakfast and was going to take my daughter with her fabric shopping, but I had already made up my mind that my daughter was staying with me and she could take her niece alone with her since her daughter Queen was going over her father’s for the weekend. Or she could drop her niece off with her mom and go and do whatever she wanted to do. My daughter and I got home around 9:30 P.M. and Watrina got home around 11 P.M. without her niece, whom she said was over to her mom’s house. She immediately got into the shower and went out. Now I’m not pissed at her for trying to start that bullshit argument with me on Wednesday about old shit. But she’s doing all this other little shit to try and do to me what she say I did to her; leave her at home with her daughter, go out and not tell her where I’m going or call her while I’m out. So she is trying to let me know how it feels I guess, and maybe she wants me to get upset about her not talking to me and her going out, and her leaving me with all the kids. I don’t give a fuck about all that shit and I ain’t saying shit to her.

I’ve made up my mind that there is too much negative energy in this relationship and it needs to end. She told me when she found my phone that I had to get out of her apartment. So maybe she is playing these games with me to make sure I leave, and she is going to get exactly what she wants. This bitch don’t know what love is. She think love is money: she gave e money to get my car fixed so she love me; she bought my daughter some clothes for the summer so she love me; I’m staying here rent free so she love me. Love is about patience, caring, compromise, trust and communication. All that money shit says is that she cares about me to give me a place to stay and to help me out of bad situations. All the other factors: trust, compromise and communication; she sucks at them. She’s all about revenge and games: if I go out, she goes out; if I don’t talk she won’t talk. But I’ve been patient with her since I met her, I’ve tried talking to her numerous times about numerous subjects and I ain’t talking no more. So she feels like she doesn’t have to communicate or try and fix things, just try to do little miscellaneous shit to piss me off. I ain’t getting pissed off at nothing she does. She could probably come with a nigga and fuck him, and while I would be disturbed, I probably wouldn’t say shit or rise up and get out of order.

I’m through with this relationship. She says I don’t want to be with her. I’ve did everything in my power to try and be with her. When she hurt my feeling and I stopped doing all of that, she never did anything to heal my feelings. It’s completely her turn to kiss my ass like I kissed hers, to communicate with me about things she sees wrong and try to suggest ways to correct them. Instead, she tries to do little stupid shit to piss me off, to say fuck me. Well, this is it. I’m leaving. I’ve compromised many times and have been patient enough with her. I said I wasn’t going anywhere. I really told myself that. I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit that another bitch I would have been left alone; I would not be here if I hadn’t told myself that she is the one, and I’m going to love her and keep her and work through all the bullshit. I’ve even had another woman the whole time I’ve been with her to help ease her bullshit. In fact, I’ve grown to love that other woman. Her love for me has outlasted Watrina’s bullshit. And even if I don’t end up with this other woman, I’m still through with this bullshit from Watrina.

She has the fire that I had when I left Ohio: she’s — making 60 grand a year, and her career will take her upward to making 250 grand a year. She has plans on starting her own clothing line as I planned on staring my own Hip Hop production company when I left Ohio. I was on top of the world; knew where I had been, where I was going, and what I was going to go and get out in this world. At –, I’m failing. Not to say that she is going to fail, but just that she is throwing away a good man in me, as I threw away my daughter’s mother because we would have never gotten along, just as Watrina and I will never get along unless she has a serious attitude adjustment and swallows some of her pride in 
dealing with me, as I made up my mind to do for her.

When two people can swallow there pride for one another and take off their cool, that is when they can communicate and make it in a long lasting relationship and take it to marriage. Watrina is not there in her life. She’s at the, “I’m hot shit, fuck the world, I don’t have to compromise for anyone, a nigga better recognize.” And just as I have come to realize, so will she, that attitude will never get you married or your relationship lasting more than 3 years, as ours is about to end after three years.

So my mother is sending me $168 to pay a parking ticket. I’m going to take that money, put my stuff in storage, and live/sleep in my car. I have two good part-time job prospects: Magic Johnson  Theatres and Michael K clothing store. My hopes are that I can stay here and work part time, live in my car and hopefully get a full time Accounting job and get me another apartment and start my life over in New York.

I told myself that I probably shouldn’t have moved in with this bitch because we weren’t getting along even then. But I thought that things would get better if we moved in, but they only got worse. I thought since we would see more of each other, we would trust each other more and everything would work out. I would give her no drama about where she’d been or where she was going as long as she didn’t need my car to get there and she didn’t leave me babysitting her daughter. As long as she came home in a decent time frame after the club closed, we would be cool. That’s all I ever asked or internally asked of her and myself, for us to come home before 5:30 or 6 A.M.

She never really trusted me. Every time I went out, I felt I had to sneak or that she investigated where I went if I told her where I was going, so eventually, I stopped telling her where I was going. I would just tell her when I got home and that is if she asked. And I took that stance because every time I asked her where she was going or where she had been, even if it was not to a club, but just out on a Saturday afternoon, she never gave me any detail; just said, “out, to do some things.” But even still, I trusted her and never bothered her about where she went, or when she got home at 11 P.M. and got off work at 6 P.M. I never demanded to know where she was and she never brought up where she went in general conversation in bed or at dinner. But at times she demanded to know where I went or where I was, and said I was trying to hide something if I didn’t tell her. Basically our communication has always been fucked up. She never knew how to communicate. I tried to communicate with her early on, but after I found that she was taking money from the bank account of a nigga whom she spent the night with in Vegas, my patience and communication fell apart, especially when she wasn’t communicating back to make things better.

We are over. She found my phone and said that she was hurt. So she hurt me and I hurt her. And maybe another reason for her trying to give me all these problems is because she wants to have other children. I don’t and I won’t and she knows that. We’ve been fucking without a rubber for three years and she hasn’t gotten pregnant. I got a trick for bitches trying to have babies by me. No one is having another baby by me unless we plan it and both agree, and that we are married first of all. More Power to Her! She seems to want me to go so I’m out of here! I always look forward to meeting a new and better bitch. I met one on Saturday, not necessarily better, well, a better ass shape and older, but definitely new; and new is always good. And of course I’m going to try and give a relationship a go with Carol Ann. She has a Master’s Degree in Psychology and will make a six figure salary also and she’s intelligent and her pussy is good and tight as opposed to Watrina’s wide and deep pussy. I’ve always liked Carol Ann’s sex better. Now with Watrina gone, I can see if I like really being with her, her attitude and her love that she says she has for me. And If I don’t end up with her, I’m cooling it on the relationship tip for a few years. I’ve been in and out of relationship for the last 10 years. I’m almost like J Lo, we’re Leos and I guess we like to be in relationships.  But this is it.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.12.2001

I’m comin’ back on this subject after seeing the movie “Save The Last Dance”. In the movie this smart high school black kid, very conscious of his blackness, even street smart; he had a ghetto friend who was in and out of juvenile homes, and was a drug dealer tuff kid. But he on the other had had aspirations of being a doctor and had applied to Georgetown University for pre-med. He falls in love with a white girl who comes to the school by way of her mom dying and having to stay with her dad. He and the white girl had a battle of witts in class and it started from there.

The white girl becomes friends with his sister unknowingly, and tells her that he is an asshole, etc. because of their class argument. She’s embarrassed when told that he was her brother. So in a friendly argument upon being formally introduced by the sister, the white girl tells him that she could dance circles around him at a club that they would both attend the following weekend.

So they get to the club scene and the sister gets there with the white girl and a few of her other friends and her brother’s old girlfriend is there and they get into an argument. The sister notes that she doesn’t like the girl because of the way she played her brother, but they never went into detail about how she played him. The brother gets there and his old girlfriend comes and tries to be friendly with him and he disses her because obviously he didn’t like the way she played him neither. He finds the white girl and they get into general conversation and he brings up the dance challenge, and she tries to get out of it because she can dance ballet, but not Hip Hop. She gets on the floor and looks stupid. When they leave in a hurry as a result of his thug friend getting into a fight and he helped him out, he, his sister and the white girl are all going in the same direction. He walks the white girl home and they make a pact that he would teach her some dance moves since she was gonna be hangin out with his sister and going to that club.  During the course of these dance lessons, they talk and fall in love.

Now if this isn’t the story of my senior year in high school when I fell in love with a white girl, I don’t know what is. The girl I was with at the movies said he had Jungle Fever, etc. I said it was just a case of two open minded, intelligent kids coming together through social settings and started loving each other. The same situation happened to me. I met my girlfriend in the bad, now granted, I was a victim of wanting to be with a white girl because that was all the media pushed on me and they just looked so cute and lovable when at school. Every since eighth grade, I wanted one. In 12th grade I found one and fell in love and she loved me back.

Now, why this white girl in my senior year in high school? Before 12th grade, I wanted a relationship with Bethlehem Strong, Marilyn Singleton, Alta Berret, Cinclaire Thomas. These were all beautiful black intelligent young females in my age group but none of the relationships ever happened except for Marilyn. She wasn’t trying to have sex with me and she broke up with me for no reason at all really. See, what most people don’t understand is that a black man want a lady, one that is often seen, but seldom heard and one that is smart. Bethelehem fit this bill perfectly. She was a straight “A” student, very beautiful and I never heard her voice unless she was talking to me or someone else near me. I never seen her in a fight or argument. This is the kind of girl a man wants to love. In fact, I hold a friendly love for Bethelehem in my heart to this day for the lady I know her to be, even though we never were in a relationship together, and even though she may not ever think of me in any kind of way.

When I was in 12th grade, all I knew were loud mouth and rowdy girls with kids who were either with the fathers of the children or were not. And the key words in that sentence are LOUD MOUTH AND ROWDY! Not kids; for after I graduated from high school I was with a girl who had three kids while I was in college, and then another one after I graduated college. I can’t think of one black girl in the whole high school who I wanted to be in love with my senior year except for maybe Calesha Breakley. But she was too skinny, and plus she thought of me like a distant cousin because my first cousin Jerome’s dad was her uncle. I originally had planned on asking her to prom, but I got beat to the punch. There were the twins Sally and Salena but they had boyfriends, and they seemed just a little too damn quiet for me anyway. There was still Bethlehem, but she was in love with Fletcher Hightower and she stopped coming to school looking cute altogether. She was busy loving him while he was away at college and when he was at home. But while he was at home, he was loving Lillian Buckhead and got her pregnant. There was Anazette Thatcher, also one whom I love and respect to this day for the lady she is and was, but she wasn’t interested in me. She was in love with my friend Aderale or Gold.

If I had been in a relationship with Bethlehem or Anazette, a white girl couldn’t have entered my world, at least not then. I was in involved with Sarena Salinger when I got involved with the white girl, but I was under the brain washed mentality that she was dark-skinned and ugly. She wasn’t that cute, but she could dress well and she had a sexy walk and nice body. When I seen her in later years I regretted that I didn’t really get with her in high school. She never gave me another chance even though I tried a couple of times. With Serena, my good friend Rally introduced us. He told me that he had hit it and was passing her on to me because he didn’t like her, so that blinded me to the real beauty of her, which I discovered later on in college at YSU. And plus, I was brain washed thinking that I wanted me a white girl.

Now in the movie these two kids just innocently feel in love. I innocently feel in love with a white girl in high school too, but still I had that “I want a white girl” in the back of my mind. In the movie, he simply wasn’t seeing anyone at the time and neither was she, being that she just transferred to a brand new school. He was a gentleman, and she was a lady and they fell in love. Gentleman and lady, but most importantly, LADY! Even a thug wants a lady, but a gentleman whose set for college and has goals set, he definitely wants a lady to stand by his side. In some cases it doesn’t matter if she is black or white. Most white women present themselves as ladies, so in many cases, they get the gentleman, whether black or white.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.11.2001

My cousin Sloane always asks me when I’m making reference to a woman that I am involved with, she asks, “is she white?” I guess since I was in love with a white girl in 12th grade and messed with a few after that, she assumes that I’m white girl crazy “Jungle Fever.” I had to write her an e-mail telling her to stop that. My white girl days are behind me, (well not really), but she don’t need to know that because I’m not in a relationship with one, it’s just an affair. I had to tell her that I am not searching for a white woman. I am not in the social environment to be socializing with white women for them to get to know me, for us to get into a relationship. And even if I was in a social environment with them, white women don’t make themselves available or let it be known that they will date a black guy and I ain’t necessarily going around asking. I did tell her that if the right white woman comes along and we happen to hook up, so it will be. Fucking around here in New York City, I haven’t had any relations with a woman at all, so if whoever comes along with the right credentials, is white, I‘m taking her.

She responded with this:

As far as the white girl issue. I feel just like if you (I mean in general) can find a white woman to share your hopes and dreams with, you can find a black woman. There are good black women: independent, childless, AND educated out here. After being in D.C. and attending a lot of Howard University events, I realized how many educated black women there are w/o children…just looking for a strong black man. I think too many black men settle, especially military men. They use that excuse overseas of there not being a lot of sistas around. I don’t care how near or far I travel…I will always have a black man. Mind you, not just any black man but one suited for me. I don’t condemn anyone’s love I just know the love that I want. I know, we all must do whatever makes us happy.

I responded back with this:

Well, like I said, I’m not searching for a white woman. If I bring one home, best believe she’ll be thorough. I’ve been traveling all over the U.S. since my freshman year in college and have seen many beautiful black women, but with no access the them, a brother had to do what he had to do which was be with a white girl providing me with porno sex, money, shoes, clothes, and whatever else I wanted. You women don’t understand that men and women are different: one, y’all can go months to years without sex and be happy with y’all vibrator until you come across the right man or until you get over whatever problem you have. Two, to black women, there aren’t that many white, Korean, Chinese or any other race for that matter, that is sexier than a black man. Now for men, there are sexy women of all races, shades, shapes and colors so it’s easier for us to go astray. All we need is a nice smile, nice cute booty, two breast, maybe some thighs and hips, and we are good to fall in love.

Like here in New York for example, I see all types of beautiful women: French, Austrailian, Italian, Trinidadian, Black, Jamaican, Hispanic, Dominican, etc. Now when I first got here, I only tried to talk to black women. What I’ve found out about the whole city is that you don’t meet people here by just talking to them in a friendly way on sight at a bar or where ever you may be. You have to get hooked up through a friend or through work. I don’t have that many friends at work or otherwise. My one friend hooked me up with this Dominican chick who normally, on a sunny day, I wouldn’t try and talk to her as beautiful as she is. Now if she is down witt me, I’m gonna pursue it and whatever happens, happens. I’ve talked to hundreds of black women here, but received nothing but a cold shoulder. I still love em, but I’m at a point where I’m gonna take whatever looks good that is available. I’m on the look-out for a black woman but every beautiful one that I tap on the shoulder and smile at looks at me like I’m stupid.

She in return responded with this:

I hope and pray you find a nice sista and if you happen to get a white girl I hope she keeps you happy. As far as other men besides black men…I’ve traveled a little and I’ve seen some fine men, there are some find Puerto Ricans, even some fine white men and any other race…maybe not as many men as there are women but a brotha doesn’t get with a white girl cause she is fine and we both know that. I really don’t understand why yall do. Me personally, there is nothing and I mean nothing like a brotha especially a chocolate one. Like they say, to each his own.

I understand men have needs…yes, I do; what I don’t understand is how y’all get with a white girl and take her all around like you have some prize or something…half the shit a white girl does to a brotha he’d kill a sista for tryin. Just like men who get babies with one chick and won’t take care of them but you get with someone who has kids that aren’t yours and you taking care of her and them. Charity starts in your house. Not directed at you, but a lot of brothas; how can you have a child and not want to see them? Charity (my daughter) her father would kill me if I ever tried to keep her from him and look at Arkay, you couldn’t pay him to be the father he needs to be to Yarkell. Yarkell is very loving and smart, didn’t ask to be here. He started playing b-ball this year and he’s pretty decent. I wish Arkay would try to come into his life after he becomes someone…be it b-ball or not. I don’t wanna hear that baby’s mama shit either. Yarkell has lived with me and in Ohio and do you know I haven’t seen Arkay in 5+ years and talked to him in 3+, so I know it ain’t me. I don’t bother him at all.

You know after being around a lot of college females they come off like a brotha has to prove himself to them. It’s almost like prove to me how bad you want me. Some sistas are the reason brothas are with white girls. I think I have a problem with me being too independent. I don’t ever wanna hear a guy say…I did this, I did that blahzay blahzay. I can’t see how a woman is a house wife. I don’t care how much the man makes I need my own income for myself. As long as I work a man will never tell me what I can’t spend. He might say baby put it on lay-a-way, or ask me to wait a minute but never ever tell me no I can’t do that.

If you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you stay with your daughter’s mother? I wish I could’ve stayed with Charity’s dad. The only person I’ve ever loved like that is Pulplin Waterford and I wonder if I’ll ever love like that again. How do you know when you’re in love? I know when I get this feeling I can’t explain it but I know when It’s there, like with Pulplin Waterford. Well, have a nice day.

I came back and broke it down like this:

You black women always say “why do they parade around with a white woman like she is a queen, like you don’t see brothas everyday with black women on their arm too. And white women have a different persona about them. Well the ones I’ve known do, and it makes them easier to get along with. When you get along with your mate, you have a good time with your mate; therefore you go out with your mate, black or white. And they are not push overs like most people believe. You see Montell Williams got a divorce, and Patrick Ewing’s wife divorced him after he got caught fuckin’ around with one of the cheerleaders for the team.

And, I can’t speak for most brothers, but I know right now, if something comes along that’s decent lookin’, intelligent, black or white, I’m takin it if I’m feelin’ it like that. And I don’t care who someone gets with. Sistas can get them a white man. My view is that he got a dick just like I do and a heart with feelings. Whatever the person chooses because I’m gonna get what I want regardless. If a good lookin’ sista is witt a white man or any man for that matter, it ultimately means that I can’t have her so I best get to steppin on and find what I want to be in my life.

The question of how do you know you’re in love. You have the only answer. You just know. You care about that person. You would do anything for that person. You feel your best when you are with that person, at home, in public, in bed, etc. That is your love and nothing except for walking in and catching them in a sexual act with someone else would make you want to leave that person; and even that sometimes won’t stop the love. I haven’t felt a love like that I had for Samantha. We were down for each other in whatever way we could be in high school. Sorry she was and is a white girl. The feelings are all gone for her, but it was a great feelin I had with her. I guess life is too complicated as an adult to have love like that because I don’t ever think I’ll feel it like that again. And no, I’m not searching for a white woman to give me that feeling again. And if you say that was just puppy love, then I guess I’ve never really been in love with anyone.

Janelle’s mother got pregnant in three months of me being with her. As time when on, I noticed differences in attitude and personality; one major thing was that she wasn’t really down with me. I told her I wanted to live in New York. She said she wouldn’t live in New York with ONE kid and no family; basically saying to me that she wasn’t woman enough, and she didn’t think that I was man enough to handle ourselves and raise our one child by ourselves. She said she wouldn’t drive in New York because of traffic jams, and she wouldn’t ride the subway. She always talked about how she wanted a fat house and fat car, and complained that she was broke, but wouldn’t go and get a little part-time job to alleviate her little money problems because she wanted to work in an office . She wasn’t qualified to work nowhere because she didn’t finish school. The one office job she held down for a year or two she quit because she wasn’t qualified to receive a big raise like she thought. She used to live in Columbus in a nice apartment above her means with her dad paying the rent. She wanted to be high class, but I didn’t see her trying to start from the bottom where she was to make it to the top where she wanted to get. I guess she thought she was gonna get there on my back. To this day, at age 29 she is still livin’ with her parents talkin’ about what she gonna do when.

I am fun and out-going, and she has social anxiety if you ask me; don’t want to be seen or heard in the public. And when the baby was born, I tried to make everything work with her, but she wouldn’t have sex with me. I got an attitude because she didn’t explain to me with good enough reason why she would do that when I’m tryin to be her man and stand beside her until she can get on her feet so that we could stand by each other side by side and support each other as mother father and child.

It’s like that attitude you have of if “I ain’t got my own, I can’t trust no BLACK MAN to help me get it because he may try and tell me what to do with it.” And every since the baby was born she has been tryin to treat me like an ass-hole who is not responsible enough to care for my child when it’s in my possession. I had to tell her that I had everything in life as far as being an adult that she wanted and didn’t have, so how she gonna treat me like an irresponsible dick head when it comes to being with my daughter. She’s still giving me visitation problems to this day. What I say, she says the opposite when it comes to seeing my daughter; therefore, we will never be friends because there shouldn’t be any argument for a man tryin’ to be a father to his child and spend time with it .I’ve been to court two times: once for overnight visits, and another for out of state visits. Janelle is supposed to come and stay with me for two weeks every three months starting right now, but her mother is trying to give me problems with that. If she loved me, she never showed it. When I stepped out, she never asked me back and I never went back because I felt that she didn’t trust in me and what I wanted to do in life as far as we were concerned. She had her own agenda, which she couldn’t see fusing together with mine so here we have it. She’s still in Warren tryin to get off the ground by herself, and I’m off the ground trying to flap my wings to fly sky high

She never came back after that, but my point is that to men, women are a beautiful thing. A woman’s body is one of the most beatifullest thing in the world (Keith Murry) and sights to see. It don’t matter what race of woman, most have beautiful bodies in clothing, and more so, in the nude. Now many people stick to their race for various reasons: fear of what others will think, or just plain loyalty to the race. But when the option presents itself, I’m sure almost 95% of men will at least have sex with a woman of a different racial background than themselves.

For black men, I think #1 why they go astray is the advertisement of women of other races especially white women in movies, commercials, magazines, porno movies, etc. For #2, it’s to see what it is about the taste of the forbidden fruit. For #3, we as black people feel like the world shuns us. When we are accepted by other people different than us, who normally would shun us; some of us take that acceptance and run with it. We run so far as to try and be like those that accept us, losing, in some cases all traces of ourselves: our language and way of speaking, our traditional foods we eat, and our general way of behavior when just plain chilling, having a brew and hangin’ out.  Now to a black man who feels this way and is bothered by the issue, the greatest acceptance he can receive is to be accepted into a woman’s body, her temple of affection. This acceptance in most cases causes that particular black man to run and never return to his home from which he was born: The Black Woman. For #4, in most cases what you see being advertised in movies, magazines, etc. is what you get in a white woman. They are advertised as the most beautiful, as being easy to get along with, and freaky in the form of sex and porn.

My personal experiences with white women have been just that: ease of attitude, and great sexual experiences. The beauty part, well many brothers may not have the finest or the beautifullest white woman, but there is an illusion that she is or could be. This illusion comes from seeing white women, regular white women, carrying themselves as queens, looking as if they just stepped off the cover of a magazine. My friends and I have often noticed and mentioned to ourselves that on a regular summer day in the mall, you are guaranteed to see 3 to 5 beautiful white women in your view. If you are lucky, you might see one beautiful black woman dressed sexy, hair done, glowing, etc. And this is a small town experience that I’m referring to. It applies in bigger cities, but the ratio of beautiful white women you see to beautiful black women you see is smaller, depending on where you hang out. In New York, Philly, Atlanta, I’ve seen more beautiful black women in the malls on regular days looking like my wife to be. But in a city such as New York where I currently live, the black women are cold to the sound of a young black man’s voice. This coldness could weaken a brother to go astray and stay astray. I ain’t there yet, but I’m broke down with the attitude I receive from black women at a lounge spot like Justin’s on a Tuesday night or out shopping, etc. Very, very slowly, I’m feeling like I want to get me a nice little white woman, move to Indiana, marry, have kids and live happily ever after.

In the past five years, the images of black women, just black people period have been more positive and beautiful in commercials, movies and magazines. It’s no longer the case, where at 9 P.M. on a Monday night you won’t see any blacks advertised in commercials, or on T.V. in our own sitcoms that portray some aspect of our life. This, while great, still is a short lived experience compared to the actual reality of how, I feel, the majority of us carry ourselves in everyday life, in relationships, in our home life and out in public.

This is my educational view as to why I think black men date out of their race and seem just so in love when with a white woman and treat her life a queen. And the best thing I can say for black women who can’t stand seeing black men with white women is to carry yourself every day or when out in public like you are walking up on a pedestal. Start treatin’ your black brothers with simple jobs making average incomes who can’t afford a Range Rover or BMW with a little more respect. Start being a little more freaky behind closed doors because we are all adults and if you won’t tell, I won’t tell. But what you won’t do, maybe a white woman will. Give a brother a few reasons to treat you like a queen and he will do so if you treat him like a king.

Jrnl Entry No. 8.4.2000

I don’t know where was the last place I left off about my life. Today is the day before my –birthday. I’ve been here in New York for a year. I still haven’t gotten any pussy in this town yet. And I’m not only out for just pussy. I’m actually looking for a long lasting relationship to grow into marriage, but the girls who I like and talk to are either from out of town, have a boyfriend (so they say), or both. I guess I don’t like New York girls because every time someone catches my eye that I actually go and approach and talk to, they are from Jersey or somewhere else, never New York. Most New York women wear weave and make-up, and those are just two things that I can’t have in a woman to be mine.

I’ve made a few steps in advancing my production career. I’ve given my tape to many rappers: Rampage of the Flip Mode Squad; Lord Have Mercy formally of the Flip Mode Squad: Raekwan of the Wu-Tang Clan. I gave a tape to Special K of the productions team “Teddy Ted and Special K”; Black Rob’s brother who is also his manager and an MC down with Black Rob who goes by the name of Poo Cabroxi. I gave a tape to this girl I planned on dating but she worked too much and at bad hours. Her MC name is MINK. She called me and said that she wanted to put out her own CD and wanted to use some of my beats. She came over and got another snippet tape of my newest, latest. I told her I wouldn’t charge her in exchange for her letting me get a track on a majorly distributed album if she gets a deal like that, or just hook me up with industry connects that will help me get production deals. Poo Cabroxi called me and said that he has a meeting with Puff Daddy, and wants to hear some of my beats. I’m going to tell him the same thing as far as charge go. I am not in this to make money off of demos. I want to make major doe, so if an MC doesn’t have a major or even minor distribution deal, I don’t want nothing but the connections of contact for future projects.

I’ve decided it’s time to cut Ohio loose and live here in New York for real. Over the past year I have been home at least once a month to see my daughter, Sausha, Lauren or Rebecca. I’m not at all attracted to Rebecca so she is the first to be gone off of my list of people not to see anymore. I let her come to visit me twice. She looks disgusting in clothing, like she is still pregnant, and that combined with our complicated past just turns me completely off. She is just lazy or works too much. She eats healthy, but she doesn’t exercise often enough to get rid of that stomach. I guess she figures as long as she can suck a good dick, especially mine, and keep her kidz father, Thomas, happy, even though she claims she can’t stand him; she figures she doesn’t need to work out. I made the mistake of coming in her the last time she was here. She has gotten pregnant three times since we have started seeing each other a year ago, but she took some pills called Cytotec, which is for ulcers and cause pregnant women to have miscarriages. She claims she is getting attached to me even though she knows we can never be nothing again, so I hope she doesn’t get pregnant and try to keep it and me in her life. She has two kidz and she says she wants a third, but not right now, and not by Thomas; which he can’t have anymore because he is fixed. I’m gonna wait till she has her period and tell her that I do not want to see her anymore.

Sausha, every time I left from seeing her, she made up her mind not to talk to me anymore, and she told me that when she moved into her new house, she wasn’t giving me the phone number or the address. I decided that I could live without her too so I was going to be done with her.

I then went on a quest to try and get Lauren to move in with me in New York. She wanted to get married. I said that I would marry her, believing that I could be happy with her. I even bought her a little engagement ring. She wanted to have a wedding which I did not in the first place, and plus we couldn’t afford it. At the same time my cousin was having trouble with his wife and she was putting him out of the house. They never lived together before they got married or even had a long relationship. This scared me, and I told Lauren that we should try living together before we get married because it’s a whole different life, especially in New York.

She was so dead set on getting married. We argued back and forth. I gave in, and two weeks later, I changed my mind again because marriage and kidz are not beneficial to a man in marriage when a divorce happens, and I explained to her that I was looking at the overall picture of happiness and sadness. In sad times, especially if a divorce occurs, a man loses. I told her that I was still willing to marry her if she was that dead set on it. After her hearing my discussion and reading a few letters I had written her, she decided to scrap the marriage idea and sign up for the army. And she said there was no changing her mind. She said I had changed my mind enough and this was it. Our discussions got heated, and no compromise was being made on her part. I said forget it too, and asked Sausha to move with me because we had discussed it before.

Sausha said that my asking was a sudden change of heart, and that she had plans on moving into her house, work and go to school. She had forgotten about the idea of moving with me, but she would think about it, and she wanted me to really think about it also. When I first moved I told her to come with me but she didn’t want to. Then, she thought about it and we had a trial week the week of Thanksgiving 1999 with two of her kidz. I didn’t like it, and neither did she. We broke up after that and I didn’t talk to her for two or three months. We eventually ended up back talking, but there was no mention of her moving with me. This was when she made her other plans to try and get rid of me, but she couldn’t.

At the time after I was fed up with Lauren, and I asked Sausha to move in with me, Sausha told me one day on the phone that she wasn’t moving with me. She called me collect on the phone one Saturday night but wasn’t home for me to call her back. I called her house for three days after that and she wasn’t answering her phone and she didn’t call me anymore. It was at this point that I said, “fuck both of them and their three kidz.” I didn’t call anyone. I made up my mind to just chill, and if a woman came along, fine, if not, fine too.

Two weeks had gone past and Lauren wrote me a letter that I received on a Friday saying that she needed me and wanted to see me. I called her and told her to leave her house since she had gotten rid of her kidz thinking that I would get the letter sooner and she would be leaving work that Friday. She said she would come Saturday and take off work Monday, and I said I would take off also.

She came and we had our usual good sex, and we went out and did little shit like go to the bookstore and read. We talked of how would we all fit into the apartment of mine. But she still said that she was going to the military. I told her if she goes to the military that is it for us. First off, it makes no sense for a — year old mother of three to go to the military. She said she feels she has to go to accomplish something in her life and the military would help her do that. We stopped talking about it. She went home and wrote me a little letter with a $25 check in it to make up for the $50 I spent on an amusement park trip that I had forgotten about when she called, and I couldn’t go to because she was there in New York with me.

Sausha called me Saturday collect while Lauren was there and I accepted and talked to her for a few minutes. She gave me her number but said she wasn’t sure if it was the right one, which I could understand because she has no reason to call her own house and maybe she just didn’t have it memorized at the time. I told her that I would call her later. I was going to call that Monday after Lauren left. Sausha called again that Saturday night and I didn’t accept the call because I figured I had the number to call her back, but it was the wrong number. She hasn’t called again.

I think Lauren is still going to the military, but she just wanted to smooth things over with me before she left. Because before she wrote that letter and came to see me, I had no plans of ever talking to her again and she knew that. Maybe she wants to keep a little tab on me so maybe we can get together after she is finished with the military. Well I’m not stressing her anymore. She can do whatever she wants. If I am available when she gets out of the military, I probably will be with her. But a fine handsome young man like myself, I doubt if I will be available after a few months or a few years. This bad luck with women in New York has got to stop soon, and if it doesn’t, I’ll be content focusing on my music. I’m not sweating women no more. I’m very relaxed with the issue at this point in time.

Sausha and Lauren. You may say I don’t love neither one of them, I’m just using thing as a crutch until I find someone I really want. Truth is, that may be true to some degree. I love them both, but they have no careers or solid ways to help me take care of their children. And that is the only thing that stops me when thinking of being with them. I’ve been able to get along really well with both of them. Lauren has the better body and better sex, which is why I made the choice to leave Sausha alone and try to be with her.

One thing that they both do that turns me on and every man probably loves this; they both wear thong underwear for me. I think I have a fetish for thong underwear. When I see a girl wearing tight jeans or tight hip hugger leggings; if she doesn’t have on a thong with them, she can forget about me approaching her. Sausha didn’t wear them until I started getting on her about wearing cotton little girl panties. Lauren didn’t wear them neither at first. I had to coach both of them into wearing them. These two women will do what makes me happy, and I like to keep them happy, and that is the main ingredient with both of them, and that is why I love them. And I am at the point now where I don’t want to coach anybody else on what makes me happy because it is really hard work. And that is probably why I will go back to either Sausha or Lauren if they come back to me. Now I talk to women that I know I am attracted to on sight. I am very picky at this point when it comes to talking to a new girl that I have to approach, and maybe that is why I haven’t found anyone. But in any case, like I said, I’m chilling.

I haven’t seen my daughter Janelle in like three or four months. Her mom wouldn’t agree to let me keep her in New York every other month for two weeks instead of me driving to Ohio once or twice a month to spend a weekend with her. That didn’t seem fair to me, so I said I would not be taking care of Janelle no more since she wants to put all these restrictions on me when it comes to spending time with her. She said fine, and even told her friends that I would not be in my daughter’s life anymore. I got me another lawyer and we set a court date for July 6, 2000. Victoria has the date pushed back to Sept 1, 2000. I hear she is also moving down south to Atlanta. We are going to have to work out a serious joint custody program if she moves down south. I have no plans on not seeing my daughter as much as possible before she starts all day school.

Maybe Victoria feels threatened that Janelle will love me more or hold me in a higher light than she. Victoria has been selfish with Janelle every since she was born. I may be selfish and stubborn, but I would never be selfish and stubborn with a child, especially to the other parent if I had custody. It will be alright though. I know I will have a relationship with my daughter one day, sooner or later no matter what her mother does to try and stop it. I’ve tried to be cordial with Victoria and her family, but I’m through with being nice. I am not speaking to any of them again. And if they have the nerve to ask why, I’ll tell them. All I ever asked of Victoria was to let me spend time with my daughter. I’ve never given her any trouble about money for Janelle. I never complained about child support. I never bothered Victoria about who she seen as a boyfriend. I haven’t bothered her about anything except spending time with my daughter. I guess I’m wrong for that. She may be trying to punish me for past thing in our relationship, but that is childish, and hopefully she will realize that, and realize that my daughter needs me in her life, what little I can be in it, and I also need my daughter in my life. The past is the past, there is nothing between us but a child who needs both of us, so let it be.

This year, I’m focusing on my job, my music, and my total life in New York. I’m not running home to see any women, I’m not asking any women from Warren to come and live with me. I’m just chilling. Hopefully things go smooth with my visitation case, and my daughter will be a bigger part in my life. At age –, this is what I’ve grown to. My last year, 1999, in New York was half a waste for what time I did spend here.

Jrnl Entry No. 2.29.2000

I returned home to Warren over the last weekend just for the purpose of to get some pussy. I arrived in town about 10 P.M. over to Lauren’s house. When I arrived she didn’t smile or anything. I was figuring I would probably be leaving because she was not gonna act right, have an attitude, and not want to have the good sex we usually have when we are together. I walked in the house but didn’t get comfortable because her face didn’t say get comfortable. I had my coat on still, ready to walk out the door. She said that she was tired and what not.

She started to warm up after a while. We went to the grocery store and to Walmart. When we came back we got heated up and took our clothes off. When my dick got rock hard, I told her to get her daughter’s polaroid and let’s take some pictures. She said, “what you ask for, you shall receive.” I guess she thought I was bullshitting. I like little freakish shit like that. I was naked and I told her to take a picture of me standing by the fire place with my dick pointing straight forward. After that she told me to take a picture of her. I told her to go put on some thong underwear, and she went upstairs and put on a pair. She got down on her knees with her ass facing me. She pulled up her little see-through ankle length dress or whatever it was, you could see right through it. She turned around and looked at the camera and I snapped the picture. Then she suggested that I take one of her sucking my dick. She told me to sit on a pillow on the floor, and she put the head of my dick in her mouth and closed her eyes, and I snapped the picture; it came out nice. My dick was nice and hard and thick looking in her mouth, and her eyes were shut like she was giving me the blow job of my life.

Lauren doesn’t suck my dick often. She was doing it last year, but when I left a note in her mail box and said something about her doing it, she hasn’t done it since. I like the way she sucks my dick. It was like a teasing suck, and it feels so good. The only girl who was able to make me cum sucking my dick was Rebecca. I think that Lauren could accomplish that also if we work on it. I used to eat her pussy all the time when we first started out, but she says she didn’t like it so I stopped. Lauren and I have the best sex ever. My dick gets so hard for her. I love cuming in her pussy doggie style and with her on top. You should hear me, it sounds like I’m dying when I cum in that ass. She makes me just want to holla.

After I took the picture of her sucking my dick, I got behind her and stuck my dick in her pussy with her thong still on. I snapped a picture with the head of my dick in her pussy from the back. That was a nice picture also with her big ass up in the air in a thong, with my dick sliding the thong over a little to penetrate the pussy. I then took off her panties and snapped a picture with my dick going in from behind. After that we made love. I finished on top of her palming her as in my hands and busting a nice wet warm nut in her pussy. After that I got up and the cum rolled out of her pussy. She was lying there with her legs open. You could see the cum between her legs. I snapped a picture of her lying there. Then she got up and stood by the fire place sideways so that I could see the curb of her ass. She put her hands on her hips and I snapped another picture. We were all out of film after that. We started to watch a movie and we fell asleep naked in each other’s arms.

I’ve talked about Lauren before in the past and stated how good her pussy is to me and how we were in love until she found out I was having some kind of relations with Rebecca. She was right for getting rid of me. I was having a relationship with her and Rebecca. That was a great sexual time in my life. I’ve already talked about that also. I tried coming back into Lauren life after that, and she would let me back in partially. We would have great sex and maybe go out a couple of times, and then she would start doggin’ me, and I would leave her alone. We have went on like this for at least three years. I’ve tried to get back with her but she just dogged me. I hurt her trust I guess. This time around it seems like she is over that and she has been acting nice and we have been getting along better than any of the past times when I came back into her life.

Last year around this time, I had premature thoughts of marrying Lauren. I was seriously thinking about being with her and taking her to N.Y. with me and we would live happily ever after. But after one time of us being together after I said that, I didn’t feel the same. I saw that my love had changed for her and through all the doggin’ me when I was seriously trying to get back with her, my love for her was gone and lost. I told that I didn’t feel the same about her as I used to, and that we shouldn’t see each other. And I proceeded to move forward with my relationship with Sausha. But now since Lauren and I have been back together, it’s been good. My heart is still a little hardened toward her, but just like I fell in love with her before because when I first met her, I didn’t like; as we spent more time together, I fell in love with her. She has plans on moving to Virginia this summer. If I let her move there, we will never come together.

Lauren and I have had lots of fun together like the time when we went to Freak-Nik. We went to some club and I was freaking her on the dance floor. After the club was over, we went out to the car and fucked right in the parking lot. The one year when went to Vels on the Circle in Cleveland for New Years, and she had on this black long satin night gown type dress, and I was freaking her that night. I used to like to go places where nobody knew us and just get nasty on the floor. I like doing things like that. I have an exotic type mind. I think most people say they wouldn’t like a stripper to be their girl, but I think I would love it. I would even probably like my girl to be in porn film. I think I would be turned on by it. Like when Rebecca and I used to have threesomes with Mitchell and Tracey, I liked that shit.

I think Lauren has that type of mind also. She likes to fuck in front of a mirror and look as we are doing it. She once mentioned about having sex with two guys, but we never really discussed it. I think that is partly why we would make a good couple. We have fun together in bed, out at clubs, etc. And besides the stretch marks, I think I have mentioned this before, Lauren has the greatest ass I have ever stuck my dick into. I love the shape of her body in the clothes she wears. Bottom line is that Lauren turns me on and that is what I want in a wife. I have not been turned on by anyone like she turns me on. And now I have these pictures at my apartment and I have been looking at them every day, and thinking to myself, “how can I let this ass go, look at it.” She has the type of ass that guys love to fuck. It’s nice and round and plump.

I know I said that I really don’t want to be with a woman with three kidz, and that is not the real problem. The problem with the kidz issue that I have with Sausha is that her kidz are little and need baby sitters and shit. Lauren’s kidz are 14, 9, and 7. They can basically watch themselves. Sausha has no steady job and she wants to go to school. Lauren works as an assistant manager of bookkeeping. She is more stable in her life and can help me better to take care of her kidz than Sausha can.

I have to realize what’s important to me. Financial stability is important, sex is important, and good times are important. With Lauren bringing in some income, I don’t know how much, and with my budgeting skills, we will probably be alright. With our sex life, we should be all right. With our ability to go out and have a good time together, we should be alright. I believe we can be great friends and great lovers. I don’t know how I will be as a step-father though. Her kidz like me so I shouldn’t have a problem with them. They are passed the brat stage unlike Sausha’s youngest son Rykell. I still don’t like him. He will probably turn out to be a good kid too.

Lauren has forgotten about the past she says, and feels that we can get along. I haven’t forgotten how she was doggin’ me all those years, but I will get over it especially with all that ass in my face every night. She won my heart the first time, so I’ll see if she can do it again. If she does, we will get married later like when the kidz are grown and out the house, when she will be truly mine. If I can’t hold her off that long, I guess I’ll give in. I’m looking forward to being with her and us making a life together, and doing it like we used to. I guess it’s meant to be, otherwise, I would have been left her lone. Rhonda is not for me. She has a time and place for everything attitude that I don’t have. I will fuck in the middle of the grocery store aisle if it wasn’t against the law. Sausha has some of what I want, and some things I don’t. She says she is ready to be free now. Lauren has passed her up in the freedom department with the nude photos. Sausha says she would only do that if she was married, and I have a feeling even then that she would be stiff with it. Sausha has a lot to learn, and I don’t have time to teach it to her. I love Sausha but I’m ready for what Lauren has to offer me.