Category: Love and Sex

Jrnl Entry No. 1.21.2000

Today in New York was the first snow fall of the winter. I guess I better buy me a shovel soon because the snow plows around here come and just pile snow right up against your car parked on the street and leave your car stuck if you don’t have a shovel to dig yourself out.

I have stopped worrying about my bills so much and money that I don’t have. If need be, I’ll just get one month behind on my rent, which will probably be cool since the landlord already has the last months rent anyway.

I’m starting to get lonely in my apartment all alone with no one to talk to on the phone even to tell myself “I should be fuckin by this date.” I’ve met like about six girls and we exchanged numbers and what not but no one has called. Me and the one girl from the Bronx were talking pretty fine then all of a  sudden she stopped talking to me, putting me off when I’d call her. This one girl named Nicole or Francine called me one time and we talked for like two hours, but I haven’t heard from her since. I called the number she gave me and asked for Nicole, someone said that no Nicole lived there. I’ve been calling and asking for Francine and Francine is never there according to whoever picks up the phone. I met this dance instructor, choreographer, etc and she seemed pretty cool. I seen her dance at the Kit Kat Club  for the crowd by the DJ both , and I was turned on by it. I have paged her twice and she has not called me back. Maybe she is busy.

I don’t have time to be chasing hoes all over town and trying to spend whatever little time they have to spare to spend with me. If a bitch doesn’t have time to spend quality time with me then fuck her. Like with Melonie, she didn’t want to spend time alone with me and she just stopped calling me so fuck her. I ain’t doin’ nuttin wrong so I don’t know what  I’m gonna do about my pussy situation. The only pussy I can get is in Ohio and maybe some in Syracuse, but fuck that shit. That is one of the reasons why I moved up here so I wouldn’t have to travel an hour or two for some pussy.

I guess it’s just meant to be that way for now. I guess bitches will come when they will come. But they better not wait too late to come because if they come when I got something like a Benz or some money in my pocket from music. I will just nut in their mouth and send them walking out of my house to catch the train or cab. I mean if hoes won’t be nice and be with me while I’m just a regular good looking guy, then why should I be nice to them when they talkin’ to me just because I look good in a Benz.

I can’t believe these pussy ass people in New York. A little snow fall which will probably only accumulate about four inches at the most, and they let us go home from work early. I mean all that up on your ass blowin’ the horn and shit in the summer time; let a little snow fall and the people are wimping up like a bunch of little bitches who just got slapped in the mouth. Today is the next day.

Last night I got a call from two young ladies that I gave my number to. I paged Latonia and she called me back. That was like my third time paging her. I wasn’t gonna call her anymore after last night. I found out from our little conversation we had that she is a Knick dancer. That is pretty cool I told her, and I told her that I liked her dancing at the club. She said it would be possible for us to meet again. She was sleepy and was about to take a nap in the dance studio where she was about to have rehearsal. She told me to call her at work today. Now Burton was like play games and don’t call her anymore until she calls me, but I’m not playin’ those games. If a hoe can’t see that I’m comin’ with the real deal holyfield, then fuck em’ they can step. That’s the game I play, “act right or act the part by yourself.” Francine also called me after I had been calling her for like three days. She’s cool and I think I may be able to work with her. I may end up liking her the most. She has that dark skin tone that I like.

Kenneth came over last night to get my key for my apartment. I guess he and his girl are going to chill there for the weekend. Now I met Kenneth and Ricardo outside of the Kit Kat Club one night when some basketball player was throwing a party. I was looking for the party earlier but I heard the wrong address on the radio. After I couldn’t find the party earlier, I went to Time Square because I wasn’t ready to go home. While out on Time Square, I sees a couple of black honeys walking down this particular street. N.Y. is just like about every other town whereas if you see a good looking black female, you better track her down because you may never see her or anyone like her for a while.

So I decides to walk down this street, and what do you know there is a great big party goin’ on at the Kit Kat Club  on 43rd St; the party I was searching for earlier. I walks up and stands by these two cool niggaz with Tims and sweats on. I say something to them after a while and I starts vibin’ with them. I picks out of their brain that the one guy was a rapper and was seriously trying to get on in the industry. I got around to tellin’ them that I was a producer and what not, and I hit them with a tape. Well, we ended up spending the rest of the night together. After we left the Kit Kat Club at about 3:30 A.M. we went and stood out in front of Club Ivy and waited for the crowd to leave. I met this shorty named Elaine that I thought I liked; turned out I didn’t, and that she wasn’t even good enough for me to fuck in my standard book. That spot is where I saw Grand Puba Maxwell hangin out by his 4.6 SE Range Rover. After we left there, I took them home and I went home.

Now I’ve been calling and talking to Ricardo on the phone, and I’ve hooked with these cats a couple of times. They seem like nice well mannered guys living with their moms and pops and just trying to make something out of they life with music or whatever. They seem trust worthy. I am trusting Kenneth with my apartment, with my T.V., my sampler. I know where they both live at. I don’t think it will be worth it for them to rob me and have to live life looking over their shoulder for me. I will kill them niggaz if they take all that I have. Maybe they think they are running a game on an Ohio Nigga who will be afraid to buck em down if shit get nignorant. I don’t think it will come to that. Them niggaz is cool. I hope all their dreams materialize so I can make some loot. I need a come up of any kind. A pay off of my car, 10 grand, or anything; just a break you know.

So since Francine and Latonia called, maybe I’ll be in some pussy within the next two weeks. Once I get some pussy, the rest of my life should just fall into place. I won’t be so bored. I can call one of my honeys over to spend the night or just to hit me off for the night and then they can go home. Then I will be energized to do other things.

I was thinking about Sausha last night. I was listening to the tape of me tearing the ass up and her making those sexy oooooooh! Michael noises, and me spanking the ass. I was thinking about going to give her some of this good dick that she said she loved so much, and to eat a little of that delicious pussy of hers. But I don’t want to lead her on, so I’ll just leave it be unless she calls me. I’ll probably bust a nut in Rebecca’s mouth tonight and then go and bust one in Lauren’s ass tomorrow night.

Yeah, I’m back to doing the same shit I was doing before with these two: fuck Rebecca during the day and fuck Lauren during the night. I wish I  could just stay the hell away from both these bitches. Rebecca’s fat ass keeps on getting pregnant. I know she is not gonna have another baby because she having a hard enough time with the two she has. I shouldn’t have never started fucking with her ass again. I shouldn’t have never went and seen her. She just started sucking my dick while I was telling her that we shouldn’t be seeing each other. What can a man do when his dick is in a warm mouth; whether the mouth is a fat skinny or blind cripple and crazy bitch; he gonna submit.

I need some sex therapy or something to help me get away from these bitches. And what it is also is that when I go home, I have nothing to do, so why not go and let Rebecca suck my dick or spend the night with Lauren and bust a couple of nuts in her pussy.  I would like to be messing around with Rhonda but she doesn’t have her own place.

I’ll be glad when Lauren moves to Houston. Our little relationship will die down then forever. She probably has in her head to be nice as she can possibly be, and then I will ask her to come and stay with me. Sorry baby, but those days are over. I am not feeling it like that for you anymore. I’ll probably never find me a bitch to satisfy my sexual desires; therefore, I will probably always cheat, and one day that will lead to me getting in big trouble. So I guess I won’t get married unless a woman is sucking my dick right to make me forget that Rebecca’s mouth even existed, and someone who knows how to work their ass to make me forget that Lauren existed. The Lauren part should be pretty easy, hell I forgot about her while I was with Sausha. But coming in Rebecca’s mouth will be kind of hard to forget. I may just fuck Rebecca for life. Her fat ass, she will probably find another man to abuse her. I never cared about her anymore once she started telling me how she fucked around on me. As long as I could bust a nut down her throat, in her ass, and live in her apartment, and get the sneakers and money I wanted, I was happy.

I’m about to start hittin’ up her pockets again. I’m gonna tell her that I am not makin’ it in N.Y. and need $200 to cover my bills for the month. If she gives it to me, I’ll probably try and hit her up for some cash every three months. I’ll buy me a Sean Jean valore sweat suit with that $200 to match these burgundy Tims I just got.

I really need to be spending that shit on my credit card. I’m having a hard time out here, but like I said I’m not worrying about it too much, I’m just gonna live. Whatever happens happens. I need about $400 hundred more dollars a month and I’d be straight. I probably won’t make that until the next five years. My life looks like its going to be a constant struggle to maintain. I need to stop tryin’ to keep up with the jones and stop tryin’ to look good. I mean I look good and the bitches here are still not paying any attention to me.

That is a problem with niggaz; we are always spending money on something tryin’ to get the new shit: car, gold chain, shoes, leathers. And these companies just capitalize on our asses. Like Timberland; do you think they have a white man in mind when they make a pair of yellow boots or burgundy boots and label them “Special Edition?” Them shits should say on the little tag, “Here nigga, fresh new colorful timberlands made especially just for you. Get them while supplies last.” I only bought two pair of Tims because I got like two for one. I should have passed that up, but I didn’t. I could have made do with the Tims that I have already.

This world is a bitch filled with shit that you want and desire to get all of your money. White people save money because they don’t buy into all that shit. They dress fucked up, and drive new cars and live in nice houses. We blacks want it all and we can’t seem to control ourselves from tryin’ to get it all neither. That’s us though, and we ain’t gonna change. I probably ain’t gon’ change neither. Broke as niggaz is what we are and what we will be.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.6.2000

Now Lauren talked to me last night on some ole love shit. Now I like Lauren a lot but I don’t think I really love her. Like her mother said I just really love her ass and how unbelievable it looks when I hit it doggy style, and how it bounces when she rides my dick. I grab it and just bust a big ole nice and warm nut right in her ass with no worries of a baby resulting from it all. No worries about kidz because she has three. Now once again Lauren is a nice girl just like Sausha but with better pussy. But I am trying to make a commitment to myself that I will not take three kidz of other men or a man and make them mine in my household. Doing that shit will be expensive and none of the hoes I know with three kidz have spectacular jobs to help me get what I want out of life. Now I will try and hold steadfast to this commitment of mine but once I get that ass into view with my dick going in and out of it, I may just change my mind, but I doubt it.

Lauren does have the body and pussy that would keep me happy for a long time in life, but I don’t want to live my life like that. I could live my life with Lauren but it’s the kidz that I can’t live with. I don’t like them and the way they look and the way she dresses them. They are just not cute to me. It was just the opposite with Sausha. I liked her kidz all except Rykell whom one day I would have eventually ended up hurting really bad and probably going to jail. Because of that fact and the fact that Sausha’s pussy wasn’t all that great, led me to break that off. Sausha’s pussy was good when I was in it but it didn’t stay on my mind like Lauren’s or Rebecca’s.

So it all breaks down to be fucked up like this. Lauren has good pussy that I love, she is sexy like I like my woman to be, but her kidz are in the way of us connecting in full. Rebecca has good pussy and good dick sucking lips that make me come right in her mouth from time to time, but she is a whore who will fuck you if you just ask. Plus Rebecca has two kidz now and she is fat, and she is white, which I really don’t want to be with a white girl. Well, change that, Rebecca doesn’t have the style and grace of a white girl that I would be with.

Take Caroline here at work for example. I love the way she dresses and carries herself. I could probably get along with her. But fuck her too, and this is why I say fuck white girls and other people of other races. While I’m here talking about how sexy Caroline is and how she dresses, do you think that hoe has ever had a sexual thought about me, or ever commented to herself in her mind about my looks? I don’t think so, but I could be wrong, but I think I’m right; but back to the subject.

Sausha has three kidz, her pussy is not to die for, and she is sexy and stylish less than half the time. The two black girls have the most kidz and no good paying job skills. The white bitch has good paying job skillz as a para-legal. She is one step from becoming a lawyer. And these are the three main bitches I have been dealing with for the last six or seven years.

I am here in New York City and can’t get a date for a million bucks; well, if I had a million bucks, sure I could get a date. It’s fucked up in this city that all these people live here, but people are so full of mis-trust, that no one will take a chance and meet someone, give them their phone number and get to know them. I have spoken to about thirty girls in the last two weeks, and haven’t spoken to one of them again after they left my presence. They won’t call you, and they won’t give you their number so that you can call them. So I’m stuck without a hoe for the first time in a long time.

I’m going home this weekend to stick some dick to Lauren and maybe Sausha. I got to travel four hundred miles to get some pussy. I may as well be paying hookers to fuck me. I have been thinking about getting serious with Rhonda, but she works at some job without a glorious title and she works in retail at Marshalls; neither of these jobz can she transfer to New York. She may be making some money at her other job and probably could find the same job title here in N.Y. I don’t know. But then there is her son. Who is gonna baby sit him when we want to go out somewhere and that type of thing. And another thing about Rhonda is I don’t have a clue what her pussy is like, if she will suck a dick or not, how she works it, etc. Those things are important to me and I need to know these things before she starts coming here and shit like that. But I can’t find that out because she lives with her mamma.

As you notice, all these bitches have kidz and they are stuck back in Ohio. I don’t know about transporting no bitch and her kidz to this city. I think it will only end with them bitches going right back to Ohio because of me or because of themselves. Their kidz are in the way, which goes along with my theory of why you shouldn’t have kidz until you are settled and married and where you want to be and are going to stay.

So my love life is all fucked up. I need a new relationship; brand new with someone I know nothing about; who has no kidz or maybe just one like I have because I seriously don’t want to have another one even in marriage. I need to be searching for a way to get into this production game like I been trying to get at these hoes the last two weeks. That is where all this energy I have wasted talking to these hoes needed to go. Makes me say Hmmm!

Jrnl Entry No. 12.16.1999

So Melonie is wack. We went to the movies and seen Sleepy Hollow, some shit I would not have viewed in my lifetime if I hadn’t gone with her. We gets back from the movies to her apartment at a quarter to twelve because she didn’t know how to get home from the movies, which kind of pissed me off. When we reach her apartment, she makes me walk her to her door, which I wasn’t gonna do since since she wasn’t inviting me to her apartment. I gets home and calls her and she puts on this sleepy act. My whole drive home I was contemplating if I should call her or not. I decided to call to let her know I’d gotten home like she asked me to.

I didn’t talk to her Saturday because I had something to do. I calls her Sunday and ask would she like some company and she turned me down. So I’m saying to myself that was strike number two she has one more strike and she is outta here. I didn’t call her for two days after that because I was pissed at being turned down to spend time with her. I mean how am I supposed to get the panties down if they ain’t in my view or arms reach. So I calls her on Wednesday morning and leaves a message on her answering machine that I was thinking about her since I hadn’t talked to her, and that I would like to see her, and I suggested that maybe she come to my house. At about 7 P.M. that night I gets a call from her saying that she had just come from work, and that she was on her way to a skin care party so she wouldn’t be coming over my house. She said that I needed to give a couple of days notices to get together with her. I told her that I was not a give notice kind of guy.

And now all this is telling me is that this bitch is too busy to have a man. She has work and class. She doesn’t like to hook up during the week, which as I mentioned before is not a good thing. And I’m also thinking that she needs all this notice because she has to tell her other man she is doing something else. That bitch was probably going to get fucked last night and just made up that shit about the skin care party. Whatever the case, I’m like fuck her.

I gave her three chances to hook up with me, and she blew em. So I ain’t calling her any more so if she wants to hook up, its all gonna be on her to come to my house, to pay for the date or whatever, and then I might just turn her down. I hate bitches who play games, and that is all she has been doing, trying to play all innocent like and lady like: bitch is probably the biggest little hoe I’ve known since Rebecca.

I’ve told Romania at work that I like her and would like to talk to her outside of work. She said that she would think about that. That was two days ago and I haven’t heard anything from her. She can call me because she knows my extension or has access to it.

Bitches are so phony I swear. If they like you and are really attracted to you they show it. If they are not all that attracted to you, they try and make you do all this work and shit. I ain’t doin no work for no hoe. And then even if they are attracted to you, they still play games. The only game a bitch is gonna play with me is solitaire by her damn self.

Sausha has been calling me. She called me Monday and Wednesday talking like we were still together and she was over her problem with me. But I decided when I left her house that Sunday that I was through with her. I’ve said time and again that I love her and that she is a very nice girl, but her and her situation are not for me. And we have differences that in the long run would have killed the relationship anyway.

Lauren wrote me a letter that I received in the mail after I dicked her down real good on Saturday night. She was talking about why do we continue to hook up. Do we really love each other? And if we do, why aren’t we together as a family. SHEEIT! As many times as I tried to go back to her after we broke up and make things right, and all she did was play games because she had Jamelle dickin’ her down. Now I guess that nigga ain’t nowhere in sight and she wants to start talkin’ nice to me again. I don’t even feel love for her anymore. She is just a piece of good ass that I never know when I stick my dick in it. I wasn’t planning on fucking her Saturday night but it happened that way. I’ll fuck I guess until we have our next argument because she definitely can not be my wife like I thought she could have been in the past. I think I was just blinded by the lust of being able to bust a nut in her pussy and her sexy body and the way she works her ass when I fuck her.

I promise myself not to get involved with anyone who has three kidz. I can’t afford it. Them hoes shouldn’t have had all them kidz trying to be humanitarians without the fathers in it for sure. Now they stuck suffering the consequences, and I ain’t gonna be stuck with em.

I seen this girl I would have liked to get to know at The LaBar Bat on Tuesday night. She had a bad ass body, a cute face, and from her sheet of credentials being read because it was a fashion show, it sounded like she had some nice plans. I didn’t talk to her though.

From now on down if I see a bitch that I think I like, I’m just gonna talk to her and say the first words that come to mind. A bitch should know that when you ask her for her name that you are interested in getting to know her. So It’s either she is gonna want to get to know you also or she is not no matter what you say. Fuck all this holding back shit because bitches out here are desperate to meet a nice man anyway. That is what half of them are there for, to have someone talk to them. From now on its no holds bard on these hoes.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.10.1999

Its Friday. I’m sitting here at work and my dick is semi hard. I want some pussy as usual. I got a date tonight with Melonie. She says she feels comfortable around me so maybe she will be comfortable enough to wrap her lips and wet hot pussy around my dick.

Last night I finished my latest song. I started writing lyrics to it the day after I had the bass line and melody down. The song is about Hip Hop, how it shows no love to people who love it the most. And it seems like Hip Hop is leaving the real MC in a trade for Limp Biscuit. People like Jay Z and DMX who don’t take the time to come with innovative rhymes anymore like, “you coppin me like white crystal / I gross the most at the end of the fiscal year than these niggaz could wish to” (Jay Z “Dead Presidents”) He don’t say shit like that anymore. DMX never was a great lyricist, but you was eager to hear him when he was on the guest appearances with The Lox and Mase.  Now his shit has played out, but yet his next album will still go platinum. The industry look at this and lives by it. If you don’t have a gimmick or this or that, they ain’t signin you. Like Nas song with Genuwine “You Owe Me” that shit is terrible, but yet I hear that people are feeling it. I guess the teenagers love shit like that. Its just a generation gap type of thing like our parents loved soul r&b music. When rap came along, some of them liked it a little, but for the most part they didn’t understand.

I am kind of anxious to see Melonie tonight. I hope he looks sexy as she did the first two times I saw her. If she invites me into her apartment and I try to get into the panties, she will probably hit me witt some bullshit like she isn’t ready yet or we haven’t went out for long enough. I tell you bitches kill me. It only takes about a week to see how a mutha fucka talkin, and for you to know if you kind of like him. I think Melonie has been giving me all kind of clues that the pussy is mine. She tells me that my voice is sexy and it’s nice to hear it. But of course all that shit really means nothing. She is probably saying that to fuck witt my head to make me think I’m gonna get some pussy, but really has no intention on giving it to me. I think I need to get me someone else to talk to anyway since Melonie claims that she bees so busy on the weekdays.  I know that is not gonna get it.

 A thought just popped into my head about this girl I met in Columbus at the block party about three years ago. Her name is Dana. She said that she wanted to move to N.Y. to pursue a career dancing on Boradway shows. Now for some reason when I saw her the last time she looked very good to me. I talked to her on the phone about two months after seeing her. Now Dana is the kind of girl I want to love. She has focus, a college degree, and wants to live in NY Like me and accomplish a dream of making it in the arts like me. I hope that some how I can run into her again and talk to her again. She has that womanly look that I am looking for.

Like take Melonie for example. She is very sexy and taking care of her business, but she is younger than I, and she looks young. Hell, I look young myself, so some woman will probably say the same thing about me. If Melonie can freak me like I want to be freaked, she may have a chance because sexiness, job and a little focus, and good pussy all sound like a good match to me. She may have some ole rotten pussy, don’t know how to fuck and shit, won’t suck a dick, don’t know how to ride a dick, and don’t like doggie sytle. If more than two of the above are true, she can forget about it. I need all of those things. But she tries to talk proper and conduct herself like a lady, so she may just be a horny little freak in the bed room. Take for example, Lillian Buckhead. She looks like a proper little young lady in public. I’ve never heard her loud or out of order when hanging with friends or anyone else. She’s a lady in the public eye, but in the bedroom she will suck the skin off your dick with her mouth, and rip your dick off with her pussy. I hope Melonie sucks dick deep throat style and just loves for a nigga to come right down her throat. I’m dying to run into a bitch like that. I’m just a horny little mutha fucka. I want kinki dick suckin’, ass lickin, ass fucking, pussy eatin’ sex until my dick falls off. I want that along with love, friendship and all that other shit that makes a relationship whole. I haven’t eaten no pussy in about three weeks since Sausha broke up with me. I need a taste. Maybe Melonie will be ready. I hope  

Jrnl Entry No. 12.3.1999

So I meets Melonie last night in Time Square. We met an hour later than what we planned because she didn’t know where the Virgin Mega Store was. It’s funny about these people here in N.Y. and around surrounding areas, that they don’t venture out and see more of what the city has to offer. People who live in Queens, stay in Queens; people who live in Brooklyn, stay in Brooklyn and etc. I told her lets meet in Times Square so she says “42nd Street.” I say “yeah, 42nd Street” because that is like the point where you see all the Times Square lights. I was also under the impression that she knew where the Virgin Megastore was. It was not exactly on 42nd St, but like a little down from 45th St. on Broadway. I assumed wrong, and at like 10:30 P.M. I starts walking down toward 42nd St. to see if she would be walking around down there. When I got in front of ESPN Zone where we were supposed to be going anyway, I sees her. So she is walking by and I am like staring in her face trying to get her attention. Finally as she was about to walk past me I said something to get her attention. She said that she has been driving around since like 9:30 P.M. trying to find the store and a parking space.

She didn’t smile or anything when she saw me. We were right in front of the ESPN Zone so we went in. I offered to buy her dinner since I figured she hadn’t eaten because she said she was going to Spanish class after work, then home to change and then to meet me. So we are walking into the restaurant and she still hasn’t cracked a smile and she is talking in this serious tone of voice. I’m steady trying to get a smile out of her some how. I mean I’m not a comedian or anything so it was hard. I thought that if I smiled at her while I was talking to her that she would smile at me when she was talking but no, not at first. But as we sat down to eat dinner, we talked a little more and I even asked about her seriousness. She said that was just her personality and that I shouldn’t be bothered by it. As we talked a little more she loosened up a little.

Now Melonie has a natural little curly fro that she wears parted and slicked to each side like in the front, and there is just an afro puff at the back. Before her hair grew I guess she had a ceasar. She keeps her fro tight and I like that. I’ve always wanted to get with someone who sported a natural. Melonie is very small and petite with two little round tidys that will fit right into mouth just like I used to do Lauren and she used to love it. She has a cute little round ass as I’ve mentioned before that I saw when I met her. She had on a tight fitted black and white waist length leopard print shirt with a purse to match; some tight black jeans I think, and some cute boots to hook it all together. I didn’t want to stare too hard at her outfit, but I could tell it was very sexy and I liked it. I didn’t get a chance to peep the ass because she had on a knee length coat with the sheep hair around the collar and sleeves. The one chance I had to peep the ass was when she went to the bathroom. The only problem was that I was sitting the opposite way. I couldn’t just turn around and start looking at her ass as she walked away. I started to but caught myself and said forget it. I’d see it another time.

I think Melonie has all the right stuff as far sexiness goes. She says she wears Victoria Secret around the house and not some bullshit. She dresses very sexy to me from the two outfits that I’ve seen her in. She wears thong underwear, which I noticed at the club. She’s cute in my book. She is not beautiful, but cute. I think that is part of my problem with women. No, it’s not a problem, but it goes like this.

I don’t really see too many beautiful black women popping up into my view. When I say beautiful, I’m talking about love at first sight beautiful. See with Melonie it’s like a, she is sexy and I think she would turn me on, type of thing. So when she is not turning me on with her sexiness or if the pussy isn’t just drop dead good, I won’t be thinking about her. That is how I was with Sausha. I liked her tidys and her naturalness, but really nothing else. The pussy wasn’t to die for so when I wasn’t about to get in the ass, I really wasn’t thinking about her too much. Well, I thought about her, but not a “I love her so much” type of thing. Or like with Lauren, it was a “I can’t wait to get back into the ass and bust another nut in it.” I cared about Sausha, I loved her too, but not dreamy kind of love. And I think dreamy kind of love is the love that last. The love I had for Samantha. The love I had for Lynaye that never came to be because she just didn’t let it for some reason. That is probably the problem with most relationships and even marriages; it is not true dreamy love. The relationship is for another reason like sex, money, a companion or friend. Both parties just don’t, to die for, love each other. Most people never find that love. I probably won’t find that love, But anyway.

I cant wait to get into Melonie’s little pussy. I hope she is a freak and introduces me to some ole next shit! She seems like a nice girl, and if all the right things are in place we may last a while. I’m worried about one thing though. She doesn’t have any kidz. She told me that she was on birth control. I think bitches know that once they say that, a nigga can’t wait to bust a big ole wet hot nut in their ass. She doesn’t have a lot of loot. She is working to support herself. She said that she didn’t want kidz right now, and that a woman only gets pregnant if she wants to, but she slipped and said something last night. She told me that she was in a relationship for six years with this guy. They broke up because he started treating her mean. Then she said “thank god no kidz came out of it.”

Me personally I don’t want any more kidz. But see with her it wouldn’t hurt her to have a kid and tell me to marry her or break up with me and get five hundred dollars in child support. So even still and though, when you in some good hot wet pussy, all that logic goes out the door sometimes. I hope I can keep both my headz straight. I forgot to ask Melonie where is her job headed as far as career. Cause like I said I’m tired of messing with hoes who jump from job to job. Melonie seems like she has focus and direction, but with no college degree, what she may be focusing on may be a long shot like my music production career. I’m out.

Jrnl Entry No.10.21.1999

I need some pussy. I wonder if women get horny like this and start telling themselves that they need some dick. Yeah, they do and probably just as frequently as we do even though studies or surveys show that men think about sex like 40 times an hour and women think about it like 4 times an hour or something like that; its some ole ridiculous ratio.

My dick has been hard all week. I’ve been thinking about eating Sausha’s cute little pussy. I love when I have her legs pinned up and knees damn near touching the bed and I just hold them there and fuck the pussy so nicely. I usually come that way. I pull my dick out and just nut all over her chest . The last two weeks, I had so much nut backed up that it almost squirted into her face. She said she saw it shoot like a waterfall. There was a line of sperm from her belly button to her neck.

Sausha’s skin is so soft. I love her soft little body, her tidies, the way she keeps her pussy shaved is just so attractive. When I make love to Sausha I try and lick every spot on her body: the crack of her ass, her toes, her elbows, her ears, just every little part I can think of. By time I get done with giving her foreplay and enjoying the site of her body, my dick is so hard and dripping with pre-cum. When I finally get into the pussy, it feels extraordinary. Her pussy is soft and wet and ready also and we just make love and gradually move into this fast motion until I just explode.

Sometimes I call for her to get on top or to flip over so I can get it from the back. I’m usually so worked up and just so happy to be in the pussy I don’t even want to take my dick out or stop the motions to change positions. We usually save the positions for the second or third round. I usually don’t give her a chance to give me any foreplay and she usually doesn’t take charge to do so. Every once in a while I turn over on my back and let her do a little work. She kisses my nipples and my neck. She works her way down to my dick and grabs it with her mouth. I love that, to have my dick sucked with no hands when she first puts it into her mouth. She not a pro at sucking dick, but just to have it in her mouth feels so good when she does do it. She kisses her way back up my chest. I grab her and get into a french kiss lock, flip her over and maybe I’ll eat the pussy for a little bit them I’ll take the head of my dick and move it around her clitoris. She loves when I do that. Sometimes she grabs my dick and start working it herself, and she’ll move it around until she comes or she’ll tell me to just fuck her. I love when she talks dirty to me and tells me to fuck her harder. She hasn’t said anything like that in a while. I can’t wait to get my dick in her soft little ass.

Sometimes I think that I should get me a little fuck bitch around here to fuck once or twice a week, but I just say knawl. I kind of like going home to Sausha with two weeks of come backed up in my dick because the pussy feels so good, and when I do come it feels unexplainable.

I kind of cheated this week though because I jacked off two nights in a row before I went to bed  Sun and Mon. You know I used to think that I couldn’t jack off. But one day I did it. I was over Rebecca’s house when she had the apartment in Youngstown, and she was at work. I popped in a porno movie called “Stick It In My Ass” and I went to town. I started thinking about all the freaky shit Rebecca and I used to do and the shit they were doing in the movie, and I started jacking off harder and faster. I could feel the come building up, and then I just came. Even though I had Rebecca, when she was gone I would pull out a movie and jack off. When I jack off to this day I can only think of Rebecca; how she used to always wear thongs; just around the house she’d be in t-shirt and a thong. I loved to see her big thick ass, and I would just crab the ass and fuck it anytime. Rebecca and I would always be on some sex shit. She would play with my dick at the movies, riding in the car; just sitting at home, she’d grab my dick and start sucking it.

I did everything with Rebecca. I just think of all the shit and her thick ass busting out of a thong and just bust a nut in my hand. I think I’ve mentioned before that Rebecca made me a freak. She’s the one who started me to eating pussy. After her, I needed to eat the pussy during foreplay to turn me on. Now, I’ve been with four girls since Rebecca, and with Lauren during being with Rebecca, so I haven’t ate that much pussy. I know Sausha is thankful. The way and as often as I eat her pussy is all due to Rebecca.

I think one of the reasons I sort of get so horny is because of this woman at work named Caroline. She is so fine to me, like everything I want my woman to be on the outside. She dresses tight everyday for work. She looks just tight; wears everything I love for a woman to wear: pants suits, skirt suits, hot pants, jeans (those fly little jean and boot outfits that I love with the nice fitting sweaters), dresses, shoes. I like everything she wears. And she has a tight little body also. Her ass is spread just wide enough. Her tidies are like Sausha’s, just big enough, I would love to make a fantasy night with her of going out talking, maybe dinner, a movie, and then home to have sex. It would be love to see her naked and to enjoy a sexual experience with her. Sometimes I look at her and just say to myself “I would love to just fuck her so nicely.” She is 30 with a 25 year old boyfriend whom she says is mature. I can believe that. I saw him at the company picnic and he looks thirty. When he shook my hand, he shook it all hard, which says to me that he is a little insecure about his man hood, trying to prove he’s strong. I know he tears Caroline’s ass out thoroughly.

Back to the firm hand shake business: I remember at Circle K when I was introduced to this lady at work. She was about late 30s early 40s, tall and kind of sexy for her age. She wore mid thigh mini skirts often and she had long legs. I would have loved to fuck her also. Anyway, when I met her she shook my hand all firmly, like snatched my arm up. She was telling me through her hand shake that our meeting was all business, no soft stuff, don’t think about it.

WHEN YOU’RE HORNY OR MASTERBATING, WHO OR WHAT PRESENT/PAST PERSON/SEXUAL INCIDENT(S)DO YOU THINK ABOUT?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.4.1999

At the same time as trying to date Sausha, I ran into Rhonda. Now I’ve liked Rhonda since ninth grade, but she wouldn’t give me no holla because of my crazy girlfriend Sue Jackson. I tried kickin it to Rhonda one time Sue and I broke up, but she wasn’t having it. I ran into Rhonda in the mall, and she gave me her number because her boyfriend was in jail on drug charges. We went out and had a good time and we started talking and had some good conversations. We clicked very well. One problem though, she lived with her mom and I lived with my mom. Well, it wasn’t a problem because I could take my mom over to my aunts or grandmother’s house to spend the night, and Rhonda could spend the night with me. I guess she didn’t see it that way. She was thinking “you live with your mom, I live with my mom, and this ain’t gonna work.”

One night I had the house to myself and invited Rhonda over and she declined. I didn’t tell her that my mom was gone. She would have found that out when I got her in the house, threw her on the bed, and started licking that sweet black pussy. I was pissed that she didn’t want to come and see me. Our conversation started going down, and our little thing started fading away. I stopped calling her. I think she was just waiting for her boyfriend to get out of jail anyway. We did have our spur of the moment night though at my aunts apartment which she left me when she went back to Atlanta. I went over there earlier that day and turned on the space heater in the room since the gas had gotten shut off by then. I guess I planned the night, but I forgot what the plan was. But anyway, I saw Rhonda out that night with her friend and my best friends’ sons mother, Manika. At the end of the night I asked Rhonda to come with me and she did. Well she was driving and I rode with her and Manika. We went to my aunts house. I tried making good love to her to convince her that we could be together, but it didn’t come off because she made me wear a rubber. So I ate the pussy a few times and she came in my mouth. We got dressed and she dropped me off at home.

It was then that I had my friend Padrock hook me up with a friend of his Victoria whom I had known from word of mouth through high school and what not. Victoria was known for her big ass in high school. Padrock said that she liked to dress sexy, which was one quality I liked in a woman, and that she was looking for a real man. So he got her number from her and gave it to me. I called her and we talked. We had fair conversation. At the time, Victoria was just looking for a fuck while she carried out her plan of going to school and leaving Warren in a year or two. But we got to talking and spending time together. Everything was fine. Victoria was getting unemployment checks and we were going out on the weekends. We sort of became a couple.

Three months later Victoria was pregnant, and decided she was going to keep the baby. I figured Victoria was a nice girl also, wanted something out of life, was gonna go to school and work and make life happen until she graduated and could get a better job. As time went on and I started looking deep into Victoria. She started telling of how she would not work this place and that place. She had a job at a corporation in Columbus, but got fired and I guess her relationship with some fella had fallen through. She started telling me how she won’t live in this place and that place, about how she stayed in some nice apartments in Columbus but couldn’t afford the rent so her daddy would send her money. She started telling me that she would not move to NY because she didn’t want to be stuck in traffic driving, she didn’t want to ride a bus or subway, and she didn’t want to move away from her family with a baby.

It was then that I came to the conclusion that we would not make it and I broke up with her when she was eight months pregnant. I almost made it the full nine months, close but no cigar. Victoria expects to live in a nice neighborhood, drive a nice car, and I think have a nice job, or run her own business all at the snap of a princess finger. She didn’t realize that since she quit her job in Columbus because they didn’t give her a big enough raise, and that she didn’t finish college or the many colleges (two or three) that she attended since she had graduated high school. She didn’t realize that she had to start from the bottom and work her way to what she wanted. I guess she thought that her dad could save her from having to start at the bottom. And plus the fact that everything I said she tried to say the opposite. I think she was doing that to say to me that you are not smart, and do not know nothing just because you graduated from college. I detected a little animosity toward me at times so I rubbed it in her face that I was everything that she wanted to be and more.

She had the baby and I got back with her with a love note that many people write but never live up to. I wrote her that I would like to be with her and my child to help raise my child, and put our family together three strong, and always be there for them. She bought it and it was true. I was going to observe our relationship for a year, and if all went well; if she was the woman, the mother of my child, willing to satisfy my needs: sexually, mentally, we would have gotten married a year later. That shit didn’t last two months. Victoria didn’t want to have sex after Janelle was born. You have a whole healthy kid by me, but now you don’t want to have sex with me. I wasn’t understanding and she didn’t give me any better explanation than that she didn’t want to. I guess she was tryin’ to gain her self respect after realizing one day while looking at the calendar, that I hit that ass in like one and half weeks. Well, as told before, I love my sex and I got to have it. I wasn’t havin’ that and I broke out. Things were going well with the visitation of my daughter. I was buying my daughter pampers and clothes on the regular. But no doe hoe.

Now my daughter is going on two years old and Voctoria and I aren’t friends. We never really had shit. She got pregnant while sneaking a little fuck in while her dad was sleep in the other room, or maybe it was when I came home from jail and busted a big ole nut in her ass on her mom’s living room couch. Whatever the case, I was not too happy about her having the baby, but what can a man do when a woman decides that she is going to have the baby, NOTHING. But like I told her while she was pregnant that once the baby was born, there would be no stopping me.

I love my child the most. She knows I love my child the most, but every since the beginning, her sister, mom, dad and her have been treating me like I have no right to really see my child nor does my family, including my mom. My daughter was one before Victoria let her spend the night, and Victoria didn’t let her spend the night, I had to go to court to get proper visitation set up, which I should have did when I got the blood test ordered in child support court. But I figured we could work everything out, but we haven’t been able and never will be able to see eye to eye. Everything I want, I have to ask the judge. I’m cool with that.

So when I left Victoria alone when she was eight months pregnant I started messing with Lauren again. We were getting alone fine, having sex and going out like when we first started. I told her that I was expecting a baby soon, and she didn’t like that too well. I told her when I was trying to work it out with Victoria, and when I left Victoria the second time, I had already been seeing Lauren and telling her that Victoria and I were on the verge of breakdown. On our final break down I told Lauren that I wanted to be with her. She didn’t believe me plus she was still involved with Jamelle. She thought that I would still be fucking Victoria. Victoria and I haven’t fucked since her eighth month of pregnancy. I left Lauren alone after that again.

So there I was sexless again and I was going out in Warren to this one club in this big plaza where Hills department store used to be located. I would see Sausha there when I went. She was dressing a little sexier now. Hell, everybody was. The TLC big jeans fad was fading and the seventies look was coming back. Sausha could always be found wearing some jeans, a tight fitting shirt, and a cute little hair do. But I had lost all wanting to talk to Sausha from that sweetest day incident, though Sausha had been calling me like once a month that past year while Victoria was pregnant and we’d talk about nothing basically. I told her some of my life problems from time to time. I never asked her for her number again.

Also while going out in Warren at this time, I saw Elizabeth. She was looking kind of sexy, had gained some weight, and looked like she was out to have a good time. I danced with her that one night I saw her at the club. We went to breakfast and we started talking again. We still couldn’t have sex on a regular basis because she still lived with her mom, but we would fuck on weekends. We had about four episodes before I got frustrated with being in the presence of a woman I was attracted to and not being able to have sexual relations with her on a regular basis.

We went on a date one night to dinner and I think it was her birthday. We came back to my house that night because my mom was gone. I fucked her on the couch for about fifteen minutes, no big deal. A week later I fucked her over my aunts house while my cousin was sleep and my aunt was gone. It was O.K. that night; I ate the pussy a little bit. I was fucking her doggie style, busted a nut in her ass. We got dressed and went home. The next week we went to a hotel room, and she said she had a surprise for me. I couldn’t wait. She said she was going to freak me. The surprise was that I had to pay for the room and that she was not going to spend the night. Naw, even though it went down like that, she didn’t tell me that.

The surprise was that she had a lingerie piece on. It covered her tidies, which were big as all outside. It covered her stomach and that was it. We go in the room and she took off her stretch pants and it was on. She started jokingly dancing around and stuff, and the ass was just shaking. She took my clothes off and we went to town; licking each others ass hole. She was sucking my dick and I was eating her pussy, fucking her doggie style. And I was working that ass with all them tidies in my face. She told me that she wanted me to come in her mouth. So just as I was about to come, I put my dick in her mouth and she started sucking it while I was like in a one arm push up position over her. I kept my dick in her mouth until I let every hot weeks worth of come squirt directly in her mouth. She didn’t swallow it like Rebecca used to do. She spit it out in the toilet. After that night, the next week we didn’t do anything. I was mad that she didn’t spend the night with me that night in the hotel so that I could fuck more than just one more time after we came from an explicit movie and toy shop. I told her a little later after the next weekend that I couldn’t talk to her anymore because she turns me on sexually, but we can’t have that much sex like I want to.

Elizabeth was a winner besides the fact that she was living with her mom. Her son, she loved him too much. She got his approval before kissing me or she wouldn’t kiss me in front of him; now I thought that was showing him a little too much respect. I also didn’t like the fact that she said she had no money saved. She had been working for like seven years, making good money and living with her mom and dad. She said she just spends all her money and had no idea how to save or budget. At her age, I thought that was ridiculous.

After that brief stint with Elizabeth came Sausha full force this time; her kidz father was in jail, would be there for awhile, and she had plans on fucking me since day one, and she carried out those plans. Sausha is a nice girl who just caught up with the wrong guy who took advantage of her parents not teaching her the right things, and who to let her have a kid with. The other two kidz, I blame her for even though she was still being taken advantage of. Once you have one kid, you know the deal. After me having one, I know the deal, and do not want to have another one unless I am married, and maybe not even then. We’ll get to Sausha next session.

In brief, when I met her, she had two kidz and was pregnant with her third but didn’t know it at the time or maybe she knew and was just using me for someone to make her feel wanted. She had no plans of really getting involved with me when I met her at K-Mart Distribution Center.

WHAT WAS LIFE LIKE FOR YOU, MALE OR FEMALE, LOOKING FOR LOVE? WHAT EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE DECISIONS (I MADE MANY) DID YOU MAKE IN YOUR SEARCH?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.3.1999

I AM REGRETFUL REGARDING THE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS DESCRIBED IN THIS JOURNAL ENTRY! I LEARNED, GREW AND PROGRESSED FROM THEM! NEVER WILL SUCH AN INCIDENT TAKE PLACE AGAIN IN MY LIFETIME!

For two years, I juggled between Lauren and Rebecca. how I did it I don’t know. But that shit has to catch up to you and one of the women has to find out. It is inevitable.

 I was basically going out with both of them. Rebecca and I would go out in Warren, and Lauren and I would go out in Youngstown. Lauren started hearing that I would be out in Warren with some white girl. I seen people from YSU from time to time who knew Lauren, but I didn’t think nothing of it. So someone saw me walking in a grocery store with a girl. We were walking around talking, no crime in that right.

I remember one day Lauren found a long white hair in my head. I told her that white people’s hair blow in the wind and one piece landed on me. Another day she found a strand in my bag where I kept my toothbrush. She didn’t really say anything and I didn’t start explaining anything. A little while after that, she found a receipt with Rebecca’s name on it in my bottle of cologne. It had Rebecca’s name and Discover card number on it. She brought it down and asked what it was. I had no answer. She told me to leave, and I did. I cared but I didn’t care because I had Rebecca supplying my sexual needs. I stayed away about two weeks indulging in lustful activity with Rebecca as always, but without interruptions of me having to go and spend a couple of nights with Lauren.

I went back to Lauren one night that I was bored. We made up after some serious begging, but it was never the same. I used to take her and pick her up from work. One day I picked her up when I wasn’t supposed to. She was walking out talking to this tall cat. Later I found out that she was seeing him. We broke up again, and I stayed away a long time just being with Rebecca.

I liked Rebecca but like I said, she was whore. I was with her because of the good sex and that was all. I didn’t love her. I liked her. I mean, how else could I have stayed with her my last two years of college. I suspect that Rebecca had many other sex partners behind my back in Youngstown and in Warren. One night, I even found a rubber in her pussy while I was fucking her. I stopped and pretended like I was hurt, but I didn’t care about that hoe. I did care about my sex life, and knew that it would never be the same without her. I couldn’t even stop seeing her even though I had Lauren whom I had grown to love and wanted to be with. The sexual experiences with Rebecca were too much for me to give up. Rebecca even told me of times she cheated. I did the same thing; acted like I cared, and that I was mad for an hour or two, then she would start sucking my dick and it was all forgotten about.

So I continued on with Rebecca. She had stopped going to school after one quarter of living in that apartment. She got a job working in Warren. She would work in Warren mid-nights, go to her moms house and go to sleep because by time she would have gotten to the apartment, I would have been leaving for my eight o’clock class. I always kept an eight o’clock class to try and prepare myself for work life in the real world. But you know what, I still stay in bed until the last minute. I’ve even gotten worse since I graduated college.

She would come home by time I got home from school. It was just me and Rebecca now. Movies, dinners, porn watching, fucking, sucking, eating. In fact during this time when I was with just her was when we experimented with the manage-a-trio. I never took her to any clubs or anything like that. I may as well have. Everybody saw us together. I didn’t care though. All of the pretty and sexy girls in Warren were with drug dealers or had legitimate boyfriends. Rebecca and Lauren were all I had.

At the time I was with Rebecca and Lauren, me and friends would go to Cleveland every weekend to Veils on the Circle. I loved that place. I took Lauren a couple of times with me when we were together. I guess I could have fucked some girls in Warren, if I hadn’t been going to Cleveland every weekend. I never went out in Warren until after my relationships with Lauren and Rebecca were over, and when Veils was getting tired. The most I’ve ever went out in Warren was when I first started talking to Sausha. We’d go to the Legion and sit there and drink and we’d go to The Most Wanted after hours spot to drink and dance.

So I thought that Rebecca was going to work, going over her mother’s house, and then coming home to put my dick in her mouth. She probably did stick to that program for awhile, but she strayed away. I don’t know what was Rebecca’s problem. Was she really a whore who just didn’t care, being young and all, or did she have a problem? I thought that maybe she had a problem because her dad used to beat her mom, which may have caused her to hate white men. She said she only jacked off one white dick. There was this one guy who used to call and hang up though, who she said was just her friend. She probably was fucking him. People used to call and hang up all the time or talk shit to me, and she’d claim she didn’t know who they were. But like I said I didn’t care. I had free room and board, free pussy and a mouth and occasionally an asshole to bust a nut in, and free clothes, movies, dinners, tapes, shoes. Rebecca supplied me with it all. I guess you can say I was her little trick bitch or pimp. While everybody else got a piece of the pussy, I got the pussy, money, and everything in between. Maybe her trauma with her mom and dad caused her to hate all men, and led her to believe they were all just for the fucking. She claimed she loved me and I believe she did, but she had a problem with fucking anyone who smiled at her and asked for her phone or pager number.  And she kept her pussy clean too; always douched, and took showers. I never smelt any kind of odor in that pussy.

Rebecca decided after a year and her lease was up that it was time for to move to Warren where her job was. It was in the summer. She moved to Jamestown Village right down the street from her job. She told me of some guy at her job who always stared at her, but never said anything to her and she said nothing to him. After about a month of living there, I did some investigative work and discovered that she had been fucking him. She was pregnant for the second time, and I had accepted the fact that she was going to have my baby. I pressured her into getting an abortion the first time. This time I was cool about it. I was about to graduate from college and this couldn’t hurt my college career. I had one quarter of school left in the fall.

One morning while at her house the phone rings. She answers and starts talking. I go to the other room and pick up the phone, and I hear some guy saying bye. I argued with her about who it was and left it alone. I think he wanted to hook up with her, but at that moment I was there. He had a girlfriend also, so she couldn’t go to his house. So I told her to give me some money so that I could go to the mall in Cleveland. I pretended that I left. But what I actually did was park my car down the street in another parking lot and crept back up to her door and she was talking to him on the phone. She told him that they could hook up I guess, and that she would be there. So I went and hid and watched her leave. When she left I left a note saying that I know she was fucking this guy and that I was getting a blood test when the baby was born.

I waited for her to come back home, and I hid in her closet. She came in, found the note, went to her room and called him. She was telling him what the note said and they started talking. I hear her saying something about “he’s gonna know its not his because he’s getting a blood test regardless.” When I heard that, I went into the room and started whipping her ass. I caught her with one good right hook to the eye and her eye just burst out with blood. She called 911 and started talking to them and I got on the phone and started talking to them. I was upset that she lied to me and got busted. If she would have told me that the baby was his and I wouldn’t have caught her in that lie, I would have just walked away and left her alone or kept fucking her.

Her family found out and everybody tried to get her to press charges against me. She didn’t though, but one day they forced her down town and had her fill out a report, and the police told her that she could call and they would put a warrant out whenever they wanted.

Rebecca and I made up after that and we started fuckin again. She was fucking both me and Thomas whom she was pregnant by. I would see come stains in her panties and on her bed and get mad from time to time and leave her alone, but we would eventually start fucking again. One day I left her house mad and she thought that I had taken her credit card. I went back later that day. She didn’t open the door, and as I was leaving, Calloway the cop comes and arrests me. She called and pressed charges because she thought I stole her credit card. Even after that we were still fucking. I just couldn’t stop fucking her. She couldn’t get pregnant again, and I was just addicted to her sex. I wanted it to be all mine sure, but when It really came down to it, I didn’t care, as long as I was busting nuts in the pussy, it balanced out her fucking Thomas at the same time.

We fucked until I went to court, and the judge sentenced me to twenty days. That day I went over her house and told her that I still wanted to be with her. I didn’t want to lose my sex. She said that she was going to be with Thomas. How would I treat her kid knowing it wasn’t mine and with the situation and all. I think what really drove her away was the fact that I beat her ass so badly and left a trade mark around her eye. It was reminiscent of her father beating her mom and she couldn’t take that, along with Thomas whispering sweet nothings in her ear. And I guess it was time to move on since I was planning after graduation from college to move to NY and live happily ever after, and leave Rebecca in the dust anyway.

I started seeing Elizabeth. We couldn’t have good sex because she lived with her mom. But I liked Elizabeth. She was like a woman I would have liked to have been my wife, but she didn’t have her shit together. I liked the fact that she had grown up with both parents in a nice home. Everybody knew about the Wilsons from her brother Robert who had all the nice cars from age 16 on: Mustang 5.0, Chevy Blazer, Benz. I lost track after the Benz. Plus I heard Elizabeth was sucking dick back when I was in ninth grade and she was in the 11th. I didn’t even know her then. But when I ran into her, she looked good. I don’t even know what gave me the confidence to holla at her that night. It was my frat brother’s college graduation party. She had long hair, well done, which later I found out was a weave. She looked very beautiful and woman like.

As I got to know Elizabeth, she told me that she was going through a divorce. She didn’t seem too hurt by it so I didn’t think nothing of it. Later on in life after hooking up with her again, I found that she was very hurt by it. She never washed her pussy apparently because the few times we did have sex, after we were done, it stanked. I told her about it and we talked about it, but it still stanked the next time. That caused us to get bitter with each other, but she was pregnant, and said that she was getting an abortion. So we broke up and there I was sexless. I didn’t go back to Lauren or Rebecca. Lauren was with the guy from work Jamelle, and Rebecca was with Thomas. But at the same time as I was messing with Elizabeth, I met this sweet little girl at work named Sausha.

Sausha didn’t have anything I wanted. Well, she had some nice tidies that I noticed right off. She didn’t look sexually skilled. She wore baggy clothes and tennis shoes to work, and she wore glasses. I started talking to her on a friendly level and I started giving her rides home, and I started liking her on the low. One day she disappeared from work, had quit I guess. I left a note on her door saying that I had started liking her and left my number on it. She called me and we started talking. I thought she was sweet, quiet and innocent. We’d talk on the phone and I’d give her rides places and stop over her house sometimes and talk to her. It was cool. One night we went over my over my grandmother’s house and watched a movie or two. She sat there quietly and ate all of my grandmother’s candy. This was October right around sweetest day.

On Sweetest day I bought her a card, and I called her to tell her that I was bringing it over. A couple of days before that she was all dry on the phone with me and not returning my phone calls. On this day, she tells me that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Now I had already written out a nice little card for her. I said to myself, “self, you going over to her house and deliver this card because you bought it for her and you’ve already written the passage, especially for her.” So I goes over to her house and knock at the door. She sticks her head out of her bedroom window an says “—, I thought I told you that I didn’t want to talk to you any more.” I said, “Well, I already bought the card, the least you can do is take it.” She comes down and gets the card and says thank you and I start to leave. Just as I am halfway to the car, I hear a voice saying “punk you come back and I’ll kick yo ass.” I turns around and it’s her kidz father Snowman. So I turn back around and just walk to the car. I mean what was I to say, she wasn’t my girl, and I wasn’t expecting him to be there. I gets in the car, and here comes this fool running toward the car. I starts it up to leave and as I am driving away he throws a garbage can at the car in an attempt to bust the window. He missed and I kept on driving. I thought to myself that, “Sausha played me” and left it alone, and I never called her after that or went over to her house.

WAS THERE EVER A TIME YOU WERE PUSSY WHIPPED OR DICK-MA-TIZED; HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS CLEARLY MANIPULATING AND/OR ABUSING YOU? HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN A VICTIM OR PERPETRATOR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.2.1999

No one is here at work today. So back to Lauren. Now this was the best pussy I’ve ever had in my life till this day. Like I said before, I could come in the pussy and no worry about babies. I was in heaven. It wasn’t the best pussy because I come in it, but for many other reasons.

Now after we had our first night of sex over her cousin’s house, I would go up to Youngstown to spend the night with her about two times a week during the week. I don’t know what I was doing on the weekends at the time, but I wasn’t spending them with her.

After about five nights of staying over her cousin’s house, I started to wonder why she never invited me to her house. What I conjured up in my head was that she had a boyfriend living there, so I asked her about that. I forget what answer she gave, but it was something bogus. I started telling her that I didn’t like being at her cousin’s house anymore, and I think I stopped seeing her for about a week. My friend Burton knew of her. I would always tell Burton my business back then.

Well, after being away for a bout a week, I started going through withdrawal and I talked to Burton about it. I told him that I was leaving her alone, but the pussy was so good, I don’t know if that was what I really wanted to do. I told him that she could ride dick, which she could do very well. Any way, I didn’t leave her alone. Boy she was the first girl to ride my dick right since Sue Jackson back in ninth grade, and don’t forget about the doggy style.

So eventually Lauren did invite me to her apartment. I don’t know why she didn’t in the first place. Maybe because she didn’t want to upset her last child’s father, or maybe because it was roach infested, or maybe because she didn’t have a box spring for her bed. Lauren, who I had initially dissed because I thought she had no body, turned out to have the best body that I had seen in my lifetime; she had a wrinkled stomach from having three kidz, but her other features made up for that. Height, bout 5/4. She did have small tidies but what I liked about them most was that I could suck one into my mouth and she loved it when I did that. Her ass was nice and round, and it jiggled when I fucked her from the back. When she rode my dick sometimes she would put her chest down on mine and just have her ass working; the ass would be just be jiggling and jumping up and down in the air. What I liked to do most was put my hands around her waist and just feel the wave from the ass moving up and down. It was so lovely. And I also like coming in the ass while she was riding me and I would be holding the ass tight as I shot every drip drop into her while she was jumping up and down on my dick.

So here I was getting into a relationship with Lauren. I practically moved in with her. I would bring a suit case with a weeks worth of clothes. I would stay at her house one week and go home the next week. We had much fun with our sex. She wanted to be a little wild I guess. She would let me fuck her in this closet doggie style. See she could get on her knees and put her head down on some clothes in the corner, and only her ass would be up in the air. I would just fuck her, spank the ass, and just bust a nut all in it. She also liked to hang from this bar in that closet, and I would stand on that little ledge. My dick and her pussy would just line up, and we would go to town. We also did this position from the shower. Lauren had these one pair of black panties that I loved. They tied on the sides, and when you untied them, they would just fall off. I used to love untying those panties. Lauren and I had many little fights where I would walk away and leave and wouldn’t call her. She would call me and I would go back to that pussy. She said that was the way we made up by having sex.

Now I know I sound like Lauren and I were just fucking, but it developed into more than that. I had to fix her up though, one thing I will never do to another female again. Just like I thought, she was wack: curl, corny gear, shoes; everything was not right, just the sex. Once we changed all that, I started liking her more. We would do the usual Warren and Youngstown thing; the only thing there was to do, go to the movies. I took her on a trip to NY with me. At that time, I would, or my friends and I would take a trip up to NY once a year; winter, spring, summer, fall. It didn’t matter the season or weather, we went. Lauren and I had fun going out and with sex. It was no doubt the greatest sexual relationship I ever had with a black woman. And get this, she never sucked my dick. Well, maybe once or twice, but noting major. I would sometimes pick Lauren up off the bed with her legs on my shoulders and she would hug me around my neck to hold on, and I would just move her up and down on my dick.

I even took Lauren to Atlanta Freak Nic with me. The first night there we had an argument because I felt she was paying a little too much attention to my friend. We made up the next morning though. She was wearing her cat suit that day. We went over to my cousin’s house that morning. We left my two friends at the place where we were staying. We returned to go and get them at about one or two and they were gone. Some how we got to Lennox Square Mall. We saw my friends there, and one of them, Leon, was upset that we had left them at the house for so long. Now, maybe I would have been upset also, at first. But he was in a mall full of sexy bitches, and was arguing with me, ready to fight. Yes, I left them, and maybe a little too long, but he was at the place where we were going to end up anyway, and the place was packed with beautiful women. Now if he had missed the whole event of the mall and everything because of me, I could have sympathized with him, but since he was there where all of the action was, I let him be mad. He said fuck me, I said fuck him, and Lauren and I went about our way. She was looking good to me in that cat suit that made me change my mind about talking to her in the beginning. Guys were hawking her and taking pictures and video taping the ass walking by. I loved it. I don’t get mad about shit like that, in fact, I like when everybody is letting me know that my girl is sexy, it only makes me want the ass more at the end of the night.

So we left the mall and went riding. At night time, we found a little club and went inside. It was packed and they were playing Luke Two Live Crew booty shake music all night long. I didn’t like booty music, but I was in Rome, and I started doing what the Romans do. So I started freaking Lauren on the dance floor. I took my shirt off. I had my hand inside the cat suit feeling her tidies. We knew no one so it didn’t matter what we did. She started getting nervous because some guys were looking at me with my hand in her shirt. They had a strip contest in the club where anyone could basically jump on stage and take their pants off or lift their dress up, and many of the girls were wearing thongs under their clothing. Lauren knew I liked shit like that because I would always pull her panties up into her ass during foreplay. After the strip contest, we went out to the car and fucked right there in the crowded parking lot, but I think we were away from the crowd. I kind of hoped that someone would discover us and look in the car window. I was out of town and didn’t care. That was some great sex that night in the car.

So Lauren and me had a little relationship filled with fun, sex and little arguments. I loved Lauren, and wanted to be with her. But Lauren had three kidz, and at the time, I didn’t see how we could make it together forever so I told her one night that she was the one for me, but we would probably not be together forever because of the responsibility of the kidz; those were my true feelings. I wanted to be truly honest with her. I don’t know what effect that had on the relationship, but we continued on after I said that to her. I think I said that before the NY trip and the Atlanta trip. It was Lauren and me together. It was great.

But somehow at the same time there was Rebecca and me. Now I met Rebecca in High school. I was told that she fucked niggaz. I thought that she was thick and I liked thick back in high school. And I liked Rebecca’s little switch to her walk. So one night at a basketball game that my girl friend, who I loved very much, didn’t attend, I asked Rebecca for her number and we started talking. The next weekend, she had to baby sit, and she invited me over. I went over there and fucked her. Nothing special, just fucked her until her pussy got dry, busted a nut on her stomach, and put on my clothes and called my boy Flynn to come and pick me up since my car was down at the time. While I was waiting on Flynn, her parents showed up. We were both dressed, so they didn’t catch us or anything. They did a little investigating; asked why the bed was messed up and asked me how old I was. I left and that was that. After that night Rebecca and I would hook up on days she told her parents that she had to candy stripe at the hospital, fuck her twice and take her back to the hospital. We did this for about two months.

Somehow, the rumor had gotten back to my girl friend Samantha Conrad whom I loved very much during my senior year in high school. The boy that Rebecca was baby sitting told someone that I was there and he described a negro with a green Celtics Starter jacket. I told Samantha it wasn’t me. But it had to be me because I was the only one at the school with a green Celtics Starter jacket. I had heard that one of my friends whom everybody said looks just like me, Grigg Bathegate, had the same jacket so I told her it could have been him. I guess she believed me because we stayed together.

Now I loved Samantha to death. Every since eighth grade, I had this burning desire to be in a relationship with a nice cute little white girl. One of the so called classy ones who wasn’t fucking all the black boys in the school. I discovered Samantha Conrad. I met her on a bus trip to Virginia with the band. She played the clarinet. We were sitting across from each other on the bus. Being a high school kid, I made fun out of the ride. I started talking with her and her best friend. The one line I’ll never forget and Samantha won’t neither, though we will probably never speak again in life, “you have very kissable lips.” Where did I come up with that shit at? I think I heard it in a movie or something or on a comic special. But anyway, the trip went well and I had fun. After we got to Virginia, I don’t think I talked to Samantha during our stay there. I don’t think I sat across from her on the way home because me and some friends of mine got into trouble for sneaking out of the room at night. They had us locked up in our rooms at 9 P.M. while other schools were out on the beach playing all night.

We snuck out and got busted. We never would have gotten caught, but check this. We snuck out and were walking scared, but brave. While on the stair case, we thought we heard somebody coming so we ran down the steps and out of a door which landed us outside where we wanted to be, but we were at the back of the hotel and didn’t know how we were going to get back in. We found our way to the front and were heading back upstairs to go to our rooms. We decided to take the elevator, why, who knows. You do some of the stupidest shit when you are a teenager thinking you are clever. So when the elevator reaches the bottom floor, the door opens, and none other than the band director and the chaperones are staring us in the face shocked. They had us with them all the next day. I was pissed saying that we shouldn’t have been locked up in the rooms anyway while other bands were on the beach. I just finished reading or was in the middle of reading Malcolm X. I was calling them prejudice, saying that they wouldn’t let us out at night to play because there were too many blacks in the band. We had to report to them every hour at the amusement park, and we had to ride their bus home. Samantha had taken some pictures of me on the bus trip there. She showed them to me at school. And that was pretty much the end of our little whatever you want to call it. I’ll get to Samantha later.

Rebecca and I had been fooling around off and on since my senior year in high school. Rebecca was a thick little white whore. She tried to fuck every black boy in the school and I think she did. She would call me every so often and we would fuck a few times and then she would stop calling; on to the next black dick I guess. But my second year in college, I ran into her at YSU picking her sister up from school. We started talking again, and this was before I met Lauren. This time Rebecca kept fucking me and she never stopped calling. I would sneak over to her moms house when everybody  was sleep and spend half the night with her; get up very early and leave. At first we started down stairs in the basement, and I would hide every time I heard the floor squeak.       

Now Rebecca turned out to be the best sex I ever had. At first we started out, her sucking my dick, missionary and doggie style because we couldn’t make too much noise in her parents home. I would go there and she would have “T-shirt and my panties on” (as a reference to the song from 1998). She would have on these panties that covered only a little of her wide ass, and a T-shirt. My dick would be rock hard as soon as she answered the door. After a while of going into the basement, we moved it to the bedroom. It was there that she sucked my dick one night, and she did for so long and it felt so good, I came in her mouth. I had never done that with anyone else.   

We eventually got caught in her parents house so we chilled with that a little while. We started doing it in the car at the cemetary, and where ever we could find a spot. We’d go with her sister to her boyfriends’ house and spend the night there. And we would go to hotels. We did this for a year. My dick would be so hard for Rebecca. She would always go into my pants and grab my dick while we were kissing, and then she would suck it so nice and sweet, and her pussy would always be wet. I loved grabbing that ass. We would try to fuck as long as possible without me coming, now that was fun. She eventually got on the pill and I could bust nuts all in her pussy too. I was in pussy heaven. A white girl sucking my dick who I could fuck whenever, where ever and however, and a black girl with a nice round ass that she knew how to work who I could fuck whenever, where ever and however, and I could bust nuts in both their asses and no one got pregnant. Rebecca would meet me after work in the summer and during lunch time. We would go to the park and fuck in the car, and when she was on her period, she would suck my dick and I would come in her mouth. I would fuck Rebecca during the day, and go stay with Lauren during the night.

The summer after my third year in college Rebecca got her own apartment in Youngstown down the street from the school. That is when she started buying a bunch of thongs and wearing them all the time around the house and under ever outfit. When she got that apartment, by that time, we had our sexual routine. But in that apartment we did many things like fucking in front of the window hoping someone on the street would see us. We fucked all the time. Any time my dick was hard, I would just put it in her mouth and fuck her on the bed, on the floor, on the couch. My favorite was her bending over the couch looking out the window, and fucking her doggie style. She would reach back at a certain point and play with my balls and I would just bust a nice warm nut all in her ass. It was in that apartment that she let me try to fuck her in the ass. She never really got into it because it hurt. We had tried it once before at her moms house. We did it off and on to spice things up.

We would always watch porno movies, mostly ones with two men and one girl involved. You know, one man fucking in the ass and another in the pussy. Or one man fucking doggie style while the other man stands in front of her and she sucks his dick or jacks it off. We bought about three of those and would watch them from time to time. She said she wanted to see what it felt like to be fucked in the ass the same time as in her pussy. We went out and bought a dill doe and experimented with it, putting in into her ass while I was fucking her.

After watching those movies so many times we decided to try the two man thing. We started to do it once while my cousin Jonah was over, but decided not to. One night my frat brother Mitchell was over for some reason. I think we were having a meeting and Rebecca was in the shower. When she came out, I went into the room and started playing with her ass and we talked about inviting Mitchell in to have sex with us. We decided to call him in the room. He came in and I was playing with her ass, which was busting out of a pair of colorful cotton thongs. He stood on the wall next to the bed and watched me. She went over and started sucking his dick. I followed her and started playing with her tidies. She told him to lie down on the bed. He pulled his pants down and did as he was told. So as she was on the bed sucking his dick on her knees, I pulled her panties to the side and started fucking her doggie style. Mitchell came in her mouth very quickly. He always told me he couldn’t last when a bitch was sucking his dick. His dick was still hard and she kept on sucking it. I came rather quickly also because I was so excited, I couldn’t believe I was doing what they do in the movies. So we stopped after that. We dropped Mitchell off at home and we came back and fucked some more. We talked about how it felt funny, but we enjoyed it. We still didn’t reach our goal or getting a dick in both her ass and pussy. We tried it again about a week later. Mitchell couldn’t get his dick hard enough to fuck her in her ass with a rubber on. So he laid down and she got on top of him, and I got on top of her and put my dick in her ass. She started wiggling around, moaning, and she came. Mitchell got up. I kept my dick in her ass and fucked her until I came.

After that night she said that she enjoyed it but she didn’t like the fact of coming with his dick in her pussy. We also discussed the fact of Mitchell’s dick being too small and that she wanted a bigger one. I thought of my friend Tracey. He had a long dick like mine and she liked it. She would suck his dick and I would fuck her doggie style and then we would switch. He didn’t want to fuck her in the ass though. So she got on top of his dick, and I tried to fuck her in the ass, but I had already came in her mouth and my dick was soft. So she kept on riding his dick. I went into the room and got the dill doe and started sticking it in her ass. She told me to stop, so I started fingering her ass hole. Tracey stopped. We both had come and were dead. She was still ready to go. We all just sat on the couch. They lit up some weed and I had me a 40 oz of beer.  I liked doing that freaky shit. Rebecca and I did it all. She never invited her ugly friend over for me to fuck two women though. We fucked  Mitchell and Tracey twice, and then we stopped that. Well, she fucked them. I was just there fucking her too.

Yeah Rebecca was the greatest sexual experience. It was because of her that I like to eat pussy and make it come. I can’t get enough of eating Sausha’s pussy. I love eating pussy now. Rebecca was the first girl whose pussy I really ate. I tried giving that pleasure to Lauren but she said that she didn’t like it. I used to love to make Rebecca come by playing with her clit while on top of her fucking. I would stick my finger in her ass, which she loved. I would be fucking, playing with the clit with one hand , and playing with the ass hole with the other hand. When she would come, her ass would pulsate like a heart beat. I thought all pussies were supposed to pulsate like that when they came. This led me to believe that Lauren was faking when she claimed she was coming. All she would do was starting screaming “oooh Jesus, OOOH!” I put my finger in her ass and no pulsation. Sausha doesn’t pulsate neither. Now I know that all women come differently, but they do come; or at least I think they do. For all I know, they could be faking.

WHAT WAS THE FREAKIEST PORN MOVIE SEX YOU’VE EVER HAD?

Jrnl Entry No. 8.27.1999

Here I am at work on a Friday. Today my boss hands me some busy work to do; take check numbers off from one paper and write them on another paper, and not for one month but two.

I can’t believe this shit that I am still doing busy work after two years of working within this bull shit profession that doesn’t excite me at all, not even the money, which has not turned out to cover everything that I thought it would. 

When will I actually learn something. I was doing the same shit at Circle K, basically nothing. I’ve been here a month and what have I learned: how to put together monthly folders’ how to enter in journal entries, and I’ve done a couple of recs. I guess the recs are what they are, basically nothing, not challenging. Well, I was having problems with this one rec but now I have it all figured out. And maybe this is what Accounting is all about , and maybe it is not challenging. I think it is half and half; half the bull shit, and half the challenging stuff. I have just been getting more of the bull shit on my job at Circle K and here at The Italian Job in the two years and two months of my working career.

Looking a couple of weeks into the future, I see that Sausha is going to break up with me again because of our little distance. I’m going to say it one more time to her that she can move and live with me, and give her the break down of how it will be and every thing. If she doesn’t accept it and wants to leave me alone, fine, I won’t never talk to her again or respond to her letters like I did this last time. I told her that I would call her last night. One of two things happened because I didn’t talk to her. 1. She left and never came home before twelve thirty, which was the last time I talked to her. 2. She turned her ringer off of her phone or just didn’t answer it. And I will not rule out number three since I am a realest and believe that anything that can happen may happen. 2. She was out with Teau or someone else, maybe fuckin’, maybe just chillin’ out. Who knows what, but I will never be a fool involved with any bitch and rule out the possibility of her fucking someone else. We are all alike, men and women, and we fuck just the same. BELIEVE THAT!

Eventually I will leave this accounting shit alone an maybe change professions if I don’t make it in the Hip Hop Production ring. I really don’t like this shit; however, if I do make it in the Hip Hop production ring and make a couple hundred grand, I’m gonna buy me some houses in Warren and rent them out. I may just move back there once I make me a nice piece of change and just chill. That is my life plan: make a couple hundred thousand, millions I hope, and then buy me some real estate and chill.

Fuck this work shit, it doesn’t pay. I see no one is gonna pay you what you would pay yourself. My last hope of enjoying work, is to work for a Hip Hop company. If that shit is just like these other companies and I don’t enjoy it, that is it for accounting.

I seen this girl at club S.O B.s. She was slim, petite, light brown skin, a little lighter brown than Sausha. She had natural hair, a little longer than mine. She had on a top that looked like a piece of a stocking that she tied around her to cover her breast. I could see her nipple shining through. Her breast were a little more than a mouth full; I imagined they would be very beautiful standing all alone with nothing on them. Since I’ve been with Sausha, I am discovering how much I like Tidies, just big enough like Sausha’s. This girl, like I said, was petite, and had a nice little cute ass just as big as Sausha’s or a little smaller. It looked nice when she was shaking her ass to the Reggae music. I was going to say something to her, but I thought about Sausha and what I want to have with her and what she wants to have with me, and I just left the place. Now two days later it seems that Sausha is on the verge of another break down with our situation. So I should have talked to her to see the out come. Now I will probably never ever see her again. It’s OK though, another one will come along if Sausha doesn’t want us to go on any longer.

I see many women that I would love to fuck, but I just ride or walk on by. I guess that comes with age or maturity. Some brothers like my frat brother Willenium would have a ball in a town like this, fucking everything. He fucks everything in Cleveland and in Akron, so I couldn’t imagine him here. He is going on thirty and still playing around. He has a baby girl by some chick who is an agriculture analyst. He said he was going to stay with her, but one of her friends saw him out at The Mirage in Cleveland with another girl, and that was the end of that. He got the girl pregnant while we was with his girlfriend of eight years, whom he was fucking around on since day one.

My last time being a ho was summer of 1991; I fucked Cridgette Ronald; Sharon from Atlanta; Jendra Stansfield; Blanch States; Rontisha whom I think was a virgin, Shayla Midori; the one girl from Braceville I forget her name. After that summer I pretty much calmed down. My freshman year in college I didn’t really get to too many people.

I started fucking with that white girl Carmel in like November, and was with her until like the middle of the summer. She kept my dick occupied for a while. She had one of the greatest pussies I’ve ever fucked. Not the greatest sex, but the greatest pussy. I say not sex because she never sucked my dick, she never rode my dick, she never let me fuck doggie style or none of that. But boy, when you lied down in that pussy, it was nice and wet, and she would start working that ass like a wild bull. She would almost throw you up off her the way she worked that ass. And get this, she was kind of on the fat side; not thick, but fat. She didn’t have a round ass or anything like that. She was fat. I don’t know what even led me to start fucking her anyway. Well yes I do. She asked for my number and gave me hers. The first night I went over her house she asked was I spending the night. I didn’t have to work at all for the ass. It was clear I was going to be fucking that night, and from that night on, all I did was fuck; no movies, no dinners, no nothing. Just over her house, over her friends’ house next door maybe, and fucking. No one even knew I was doing her.

When I was pledging my fraternity, I fucked around and got her pregnant. She was thinking of having the baby. I told her I didn’t want her to .She was still going to do it. What can a man do when a woman says she is going to have the baby? NOTHING! Her mom started buying little things and they were getting kind of excited I guess. She asked me one night after I finished tearing up the pussy did I really want to have a baby I said no; two weeks later, she went and got an abortion. From that point on she made me wear rubbers.

Funny; and I’ve noticed with two big girls that even when wearing a rubber, it still felt good and I fucked and came just the same. Well I can’t say its true for big all girls because Rebecca whom I considered thick, her pussy didn’t feel the same with a rubber on. We did use condoms when she stopped taking her pills, but we would put the condom on after we had done the fucking and the sucking and I was ready to come. With Zinky, the same as with Carmel, I fucked and came just the same with the condom on. I guess it was because with Zinky that it was just fucking and she was hot and ready and her pussy was so wet, and I would just sink into all that ass and it just felt good.

Now Zinky had a big ole round ass. She was fat, but yet had a round ass and her stomach wasn’t that big. See that is the thing with me between fat and thick. If your stomach is not that big and moochy, and you have a big round ass, I say you are thick. My friend Burton says it’s fat. My friend Jay Claude agrees with me that if it is thick it’s just more to squeeze and hold on to when you are busting a nut. Now I guess there is some fat that I will fuck if I didn’t have to work on it.

If it’s not that fat and I don’t have to work on it, I will fuck it. But fat like Sweet Tea or Debonay, that shit is not attractive to me at all, and if they whispered in my ear that we could go and fuck right now, I wouldn’t respond. I don’t know why I fucked with Carmel, maybe because I hadn’t had no pussy in a while. Because I remember the night after I crossed into the Frat, this fat white girl whispered in my ear that she would like to fuck me just once. I just laughed and never responded. I had Carmel throwing that good fat pussy on me at the time. I guess I wasn’t horny enough. So I guess to sum it all up, I would have to say that “the right fat bitch would have to catch me at the right time with an opportunity to fuck, and I would secretly do it.” And to sort of speak for all men, “we probably would all fuck just about anything if we knew no would find out and if we didn’t have to work for it.”

I would never have talked to Carmel on my own with the intentions of fucking her. But back to what originally started this fucking fat girls conversation with myself. After Carmel, I pretty much was with one girl at a time from there. There was Toya for about three month; then Rebecca, some white girl I met in my senior year in high school. She came back into my life and we started fucking steady.

Then Lauren, who met me at our Frat Caboret desparately wanted to give me the pussy. I turned it down at first. She wore glasses, had a jerry curl, which played out in 84 and she still had one. She looked too little. I had seen her a couple times before at McDonalds where she worked. She didn’t look like she had much of a body in her work uniform: tidies were small, and her ass looked funny in the pants. At the Caboret, her body didn’t look much better; so I blew her off.

It wasn’t until about a month later at an AKA party that I saw her in a cat suit; tidies were still small, but her ass was nice and cute and round, and that was all I needed to see. I gave her my number, and she called. Three weeks after many phone conversations, I was at her cousin house to spend the night. She lived in Y-town and I lived in Warren. Since I going to school in Y-Town, I told her I wasn’t going to drive to Y-town for a night, drive back to Warren, and then drive back to Y-town.

So I was over there at about ten O’clock to spend the night. I’m waiting downstairs on the couch for her to come down. She comes down in a little mini night gown. I say cool she relaxing for the night; keep in mind that this is the first night I’ve ever seen the girl since that night at the party in the cat suit. I’m calm though. But as we start talking and getting comfortable with each other I wrap my arms around her waist and discover that she doesn’t have any panties on. Popped in my head at that moment, “I told my dick, don’t worry, we’re fuckin’ tonight!” (Biz Markie) So after a little while longer I make my move to kiss her and start rubbing on the tidies and shit and what not. When I make my move for the pussy, she stops me and says, “is this what you do with someone on the first night?” So I say, “we’ve been talking for three weeks, and when I spend the night with a young lady, yes, this is what I try to do.” She said O.K., but the mood was ruined by the interruption, but still I tried to get it up. After a while, I stopped and we went to sleep.

The next time I spent the night, it was on. We were upstairs at her cousin’s house and my dick was hard and ready. I was tearing the ass up nice and she was enjoying it. When we were into it a little while, she told me she wanted me to get it from the back. Oh, I loved that because usually I have to ask to hit it doggie style, and girls usually don’t want to do that on the first fuck because they don’t want to seem nasty. But little don’t girls know that the nastier they make it, the more the guy loves it and will come back for more.

So I hit it from the back and it was lovely, her nice little big round ass plopping down on my dick. When we went back to missionary and it was time for me to bust a nut, I did the pull out routine . She had three kidz and I wasn’t trying to give her another one. She asked me why did I do that, and I said, “you got three kidz. I ain’t tryin’ to give you another one.” She says that she can’t have any more kidz; that her tubes were tied. Strange to me because I was informed by my family of Aunts that you could only have your tubes tied if you were married and had two kidz. She said that was not true. It may have been true, but states probably lifted off of that shit after too many women started having too many kidz and getting on welfare. So now I couldn’t wait till the next time to bust a nut in the pussy, which I think I did two hours later.

I think I’ll start keeping these journals also and write me a book one day on all I can remember and my views on life. I have Sausha to thank for that idea.

It’s close to 5 P.M. time to go home. When I get there, I’ll go straight to Sausha’s house. If she is not there or doesn’t answer the door, I’ll go to Burton or Flynn’s house, or maybe to one of the bull shit bars around town, or maybe over Lauren’s to start fucking with her again. Naw, our relationship went wrong a long time ago. We tried many times to get back, but were never able to. Lauren is out of my life forever. I grew to love her and actually wanted to be with her. But I fucked that up. I don’t regret it. I’ll tell you that story later.

Yeah, like I said, I love Sausha, but if she can’t deal with our situation, she has to move on with her life if that is what she really wants I’m tired of trying to convince her that I love her. My fucking around days are over. I don’t even feel horny when I’m here in New York. I’m saving my dick for her, but I could easily change that. And maybe I should start seeing people because she is seeing Teau and thinking about fucking guys she used to have a crush on over Monday’s house. And for the fact of why she says she was fucking with Thyrck “because she couldn’t let another man hurt her first, it was her turn to hurt.”

I don’t want to hurt nobody. It was never my intention to hurt anther girl when I fucked around on her, I just wanted another piece of ass. Maybe that was Sausha’s motive also, but women are not supposed to talk like that. Any way you put it, fucking around on someone is foul, there is no logic to it. It’s foul but we all do it anyway. That is why our relationship has always been fucked up from that point on because fucking around is foul.

Until she gets stable in her feelings for me why should I be the only one convinced that I am in love and not see anyone else. When she truly loves me, she won’t be thinking about no one else. Since she is thinking about others, and she will execute; I know from when I read in her journal that she was thinking about fucking Thyrck before he went back to jail, and two days later, she did. I’m not gonna sit around and wait for her to hurt me.

WHEN WAS A TIME YOU WERE LONELY AND STARTED HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU DIDN’T REALLY LIKE? OR YOU STAYED WITH SOMEONE OUT OF FEAR OF BEING ALONE/SEXLESS?