Jrnl Entry No. 9.27.2002

Watrina is getting on my nerves as of late where I’m thinking to just let that shit go and chill. She doesn’t really care about a relationship. She is just goin with the flow of things. I’m about to get on that shit also. I’ve limited my calls to her and my asking her to come and visit me. The past two weekends that her daughter has gone with her father, we haven’t spent them together. The first time because I had Haitie over my house spending the night at my house for a second night to dig the ass out, and what a nice thick, round ass it was. If she had a better job, she’d be in the running to take me away from Watrina especially since Watrina doesn’t seem to care about our relationship all that much at times.

I’m always getting upset, or telling myself to chill about some shit she is not doin’ to my liking. She is just not sweatin’ me enough that’s all it really is and I don’t like that. She seems as if she doesn’t care if I stay or go and I don’t like that. And all she does is fuel my insecurity about her passion in and for this relationship, which is why I got other bitches.

As far as my job goes, I’ve gotten better at it in the last three months. My new boss has shown me some things, or rather I’ve revealed some things to myself in the absence of Laudi. He knew everything so there really was no need to go searching for things like I’ve had to since he left. If you ask me, he was a hindrance to my progression here at the company.

So now at the same time while I kind of like my new boss, she is getting on my nerves. She is diggin’ into old shit and wants me to find the details behind it so that she can clear it up. And granted, that is her job, but damn, slow down, get into the groove of the basic job before you start diggin’ into other shit. She wants to change the process of how everything is working around here all the way down to the computer software that we use. Like for journal entries, she wants a description line for every item in the journal entry. I told her it doesn’t work like that but she wants to see anyway and look into it to see if she can make a way or find a way. I’ve been working with this system for six months, and you have been working with it for one month. I don’t know everything about the system, but I do know that little bit because I tried it due to the fact, just like her, I was able to do that task with the journal entries at another company. In a way I need to be like her and dig into my job like that. She is a little bug-a-boo I tell you man. And she is short too, which makes it worse.  I guess her detail oriented-ness is fueled by little man’s syndrome. She is little so she has to make up for it using other things like doing her job as detailed and perfect as possible. I know she is just trying to do her job well, but at times she gets on my nerves asking for shit.

Everybody seems to be leaving this job. In the last year since 2002, the guy whose place I took, left; my old supervisor left; this cool white guy who was an accounting manager of some sort, left; the AP/AR manager is leaving; and Shaleece is leaving. Like I said, I’m tryin’ to stay for five years and then leave if the money is not right, but if they make the money right, I’ll stay a little longer. But knowing these sucka ass companies like I seem to, by five years end, I’ll probably only be making $50K when I’ll want to be making $60-$65K, and Watrina will be making millions with her clothing company or $80K at her job if she stays there.

I gave the executive in charge of producing commercials a sample CD of my music for possible use in a commercial or two in the future. My guess is that nothing will come of it even though she is talking all optimistic to me like maybe I’ll get my music in a commercial sooner than I think. She mentioned something to me about working for a productions company when I handed her the CD. I wonder is she talking about part time or full time, and if she knows I’m a fulltime salary employee here at this company and I won’t leave my job unless I got a$500,000 advance in my hand and then maybe still not. She, like everyone else probably thinks I’m some young punk who is running around trying to find his place in life. I’m only trying to find my place in the music industry, every other place I pretty much have in order.

Man I look so young. I am – years old and these people around here are telling me I look — to –. This girl said to me that she never would have thought I was older than she, and she is –. She says I better start acting more mature, which I don’t know what she means. She don’t even know me, so I think she is goin off of my baby face alone. I mean how much more mature can I get? I got a full time career job, I got my own apartment that I cook and clean in and pay my rent on time every month. I got my own car that I pay for every month. I got women of all ages. She said that I run around here acting silly, laughing and talking loud, and that is not the case. The gay guy, Gaylynn is silly and loud all the time, way more than me and he is 38.

I don’t know what it is. I’ve grown a little mustache and a goat- t. I dress up in nice casual clothing occasionally, I keep my hair trimmed and shaped up, but yet, I can’t get over these people labeling me as a – year old. But I ain’t worried about it really too much because I have a main woman, and I pay my bills and have a place of my own to live so fuck what they think as long as I got pussy, food, clothing, and shelter, THE FOUR ESSENTIALS OF LIFE! I have no complaints except for being kind of broke, but everything else is peace.

I was so lonely when I first moved here it wasn’t funny. I was jacking off twice a week to fulfill my sexual desire, now I’m having sex four times a week, so that part of my life is great now. I make more money on this job, but my bills are getting higher. My gas and light bill are higher right now due to my mom and Janelle and Aderale staying with me for a month. I’ve also noticed that I leave lights on more than I used to so that is also a problem. My phone bill is getting higher from Watrina and me occasionally dialing *69. But soon, I’ll have all in check. I’ve started a savings plan of $50 a month, which I’ve done for the last three months.

I’m gonna combine that money with a skipped car note and get me a CD burner because Medeline hasn’t been there for me to make CDs. I don’t know what is up with that nigga. He has been acting funny lately. It’s almost like he don’t want to be cool with me anymore. I told him that Watrina wanted some of his CDs to give to people that she meet and he hasn’t given me any. I told him I wanted to do a CD with him and his man and me to give to the lady here at my job for the commercial music and he didn’t return my call. I’m tryin’ to help the dude out and be down with him as well because I think he has a talent for this producing thing. But if he don’t want to be down with me, I’ll stop calling him.

In fact I’m about to stop calling everybody. No one calls me so I ain’t callin’ nobody. I seem to always want to think of my friends and call them to see how they are doin’, but no more. I don’t get a call from a friend, a friend won’t get a call from me. Niggas don’t think about me so I won’t think about them. I guess it’s time to move on with life and stop tryin’ to keep old high school ties and old college ties. Like with my friend Rally Wallsworth. I’ve known this cat since Kindergarten. I’ve called this cat many times over the years but never has he called me once since we been out of high school and he had been at Ohio University for school. He had this girlfriend up there and they were together like 5 years and then she broke up with him. She was a good girl, the kind you marry and cheat on because she is not sexy or freaky enough but she holds down a good job and will be a good mother to your children. She dumped him for this older guy who was in Med School. I guess she was looking for a more stable future than Rally could provide because he was barely making it through college, paying for it on his own, and due to a child support bill taking his money for a kid he had by some other chick while he was with his girlfriend when they had been together for like 2 or 3 years at the time and she forgave him for that shit I guess. But anyway, if I don’t talk to him anymore I’ll see him in Warren on a holiday or something one day and we’ll hug and talk, but fuck that callin’ shit. If you don’t call me, I ain’t callin’ you.

WAS THERE A TIME YOU HAD A BAD BOSS? IT WAS 2002, PEOPLE STILL WERE NOT CALLING PEOPLE! WHY DON’T FRIENDS AND FAMILY CALL EACH OTHER?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.26.2002

It is now Sept 26, 2002 and Janelle’s birthday was yesterday. I sent her a Barbie Volkswagon Bug Car in the mail last week. She tells me that she is gonna have a party and that she and her mom wrote out invitations to it, but I didn’t get one. I guess Victoria doesn’t think a father should be invited to his daughter’s birthday parties, especially if he lives out of town. I probably wouldn’t have went, but that ain’t the point. There is a 50/50 chance of me goin’ and not goin’ if I would have found out about it sooner than last week when I asked Victoria on the phone was she throwing her a party. Victoria really doesn’t know how to handle this baby daddy shit. I hope it has taught her ass a good lesson like it has taught me, to never have kids by any bitch again, or at the least until you have been married to the bitch for two or three years.

Watrina wants another kid, but she is gonna have a hard time getting another kid out of this dick. We’ve been together now for a year and a half and I love her too much. I always want to be around her. I want her to move in with her daughter. I get mad when she is out and don’t call me by 8 P.M. to let me know where is like last night. If she doesn’t ask to see me I get mad because I always want to see her and seems like I am always initiating the, spending of time together between us two. It almost seems like I have to force her over to my house to spend some decent quality time. That is why I keeps my other bitches around. I got Carol Ann, Coffee and Haitie.

Haitie is the finest out the bunch. If she had a better job and a better way of living, I’d probably drop Watrina for her because Watrina is not fulfilling all of my needs. She will, in time, but I don’t like the wait. But sometimes I think the wait will be worth it. You see Watrina likes to spend money a lot on little big things; like she spent $500 on a Coach carrying travel bag; $300 on a pair of sandles which were worth it because I have yet to see any like them or as hot as them; $269 on a pair of Adriano Goldsmied jeans; before I met her, she spent $500 on a camera which she doesn’t know how to work and she doesn’t use it anymore because she claims that it needs a new lens which is gonna cost another $500. She spent $350 on a car for her daughter when she turned two, which was entirely too young for her to have that, and plus she doesn’t ride it because it’s stored over her cousin’s house; for it can’t fit in her mom and dad’s apartment, and plus it’s broken. She spent a lot of money on her daughter’s birthday party, which that is not a bad thing, but she plans on spending this money every year and that is ridiculous.

Watrina plans on starting some type of business so she can live large; she is gonna have to chill with the spending habits. Right now her mind is focused on starting a little clothing line for children, some expensive shit like tuxes and gowns for like $500 to start. So I figure her spending habits and ambitions will get her somewhere in the future, maybe to millionaire status that she wants. If it doesn’t, we can make it together on our salaries for work. Together as I speak, our salary combined is $95,000: $40,000 mines, $55,000 hers. Mine breaks down like this: $950 Rent, $220 Crdt Card, $342 Car Payment, $370 Child Support, $60 Train, $90 Gas, Light and Phone Bill, $50 Grocery, and about $50 to spend or save, which ever one I choose.

Watrina lives at home so I don’t know what the fuck she does with her money but pay for her brother’s and mother/father wedding, save a little I guess she does, but she also blows a lot right in front of my eyes. Like one night she took me and her cousins from Jamaica out to Club Nells. She spent $200 that night. I can’t see myself spending that money unless I’m straight like that with bills, house, etc. But she blows money like that and she ain’t got shit. She lives in the projects with her parents in a room for her and her daughter, on a broken down bunk bed that she claims the springs are poppin’ up and stickin’ her in the back. Maybe she is doin’ this because she is young and feels she has time to blow money and make more to replace it.

The fact that we could make a good living if we got together and budgeted our money, plus the pussy is good, she is young and sexy, and besides me being all in love and wanting to spend all my time with her like a little bitch, and she not obliging me on that end, we get along just fine and will get along.

So I got my other bitches to fulfill my void when Watrina doesn’t want to be there. And I guess until we get engaged and move in together, I’ll always have someone else. Am I a dog for that? Maybe! But “fuck that shit cause I got to live” (Ice Cube). And what if the time that I complain about her not spending with me, she is fucking some other nigga. She has many friends and won’t let them go for some reason or another. Sometimes I feel like she is wasting her time and mine, and that is why I cheat. If she would love me like Rebecca loved me – even though Rebecca fucked every nigga that ever smiled at her and asked her for her number while she was in a so-called relationship with me – I could have had all or most of her time if I wanted it. I guess I’m only getting what I gave out to Rebecca and Lauren being with them both at the same time. I was with one on Friday, the other on Saturday, and I feel that is how Watrina is playing me sometimes. She never spends too many consecutive days with me, and she doesn’t tell me where she spends her time at when she doesn’t spend it with me. So if I’m getting it back, at the same time, I’m still dishing it out, and one day life will come together and I won’t have to do this shit. I can be happy with one bitch and she will be happy with me.

HAVE YOU EVER FELT NEGLECTED (WRONGLY OR RIGHTLY) BY A PARTNER OR SPOUSE SO YOU JUST SAID FUCK IT, I’LL GO OUT AND GET ME ANOTHER WOMAN OR MAN?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.4.2002

So, regardless of my thinking that my skills are lacking on the job, I still have a job. I’m yet to find a month where I have all of my bills paid and relax. There always seems to be something that pops up for me to pay or use money for. Like this month I have to pay my car payment twice in one month because I didn’t pay it last month when Janelle was here.

Janelle and I had a good three weeks together. She is funny, growing to be quite a character. She likes to sing songs, listen to music and watch movies just like I do. I know her mom probably gets sick with the thought of me every time she hears Janelle humming a song or something. My daughter seems to have gotten – in just six months, really only a month of time spent together – attached to Watrina and her daughter Queen. They get along just fine together. Watrina treats Janelle as if she was her own. She definitely treats Janelle better than I treat Queen. And Janelle likes her for that reason. Watrina bought Janelle a scooter that she didn’t need before she went home just because she asked for one like Queen’s little Barbie scooter, even though Janelle has new bike at home. I told Watrina to take Janelle with her and Queen to the nail shop and get her nails done and she did. Now she says because of that, Queen thinks she is supposed to get her nails done every time she goes to the shop with her.

Janelle starts school when she goes back home, so I bought her some school clothes outfits: a pair of jeans, two pair of shoes, a Phat Farm dress, a warm up suit, and some black pants with a black turtle neck to match. She liked the clothes and we had fun shopping for them and trying them on in the store. It would be nice to have custody of her, but her mom would fight that till death. I’m gonna propose it to her sooner or later that Janelle come and stays with me for a year or two. If she says no, I’ll go to court and ask the judge like I’ve always had to do for fair visitation.

Janelle says she likes school and she knows all of the little girl’s names. She said her mom thought the warm-up suit was too big and won’t let her wear it; says she is gonna get it taken in which I highly doubt she’ll do and it will be just another outfit I sent her that will be wasted. I told Janelle to tell her mother that the Phat Farm dress and the jeans are supposed to be worn together so the dress will act as an overcoat, “New York Style” is what I told Janelle. She says her mom says she can’t wear the outfit like that. I guess being from Warren, she is too corny to see how that works or probably thinks that it makes her look too grown. She has this whole big idea which most parents do I guess, that if you keep the cursing out of the child’s ear, and the sassy clothes off of them, and don’t let them see R-Rated movies, that the child will somehow grow up to be an angel, not tainted by all the little evils in the world while too young. I don’t believe in that shit. You have to raise your child and don’t let the video and television and movies raise them; meaning that if you let them watch things and hear things without giving them the proper explanation that real life is not like that, or that they can’t do those things until they get of an older age, they will grow to believe what they see and hear because no one ever told them different. I guess Victoria’s way is good, but my way is not exactly bad either so Janelle should turn out fine, but I guess we’ll have to wait ten to fifteen years to see.

SINGLE DADS, WHAT GOOD TIMES HAVE YOU HAD WITH YOUR CHILDREN? AND WHAT VIEWS OF RAISING YOUR CHILDREN CLASHED WITH THEIR MOTHER’S VIEWS?

Jrnl Entry No. 5.31.2002

It is after the fact of the trip to Florida and like I said, Joanie, while cute, was looking corny. Eunice was only dressed a little to go to the beach, and looked alright in her linen mini skirt.

When we got to the beach a little shit hit the fan. Joanie and Eunice, and Watrina all had on two piece bathing suits. Eunice had a wrap around her stomach to cover her little pouch and stretched marks. Joanie had on a high rise bottom that covered half her stomach. Watrina had on a low rise bottom with the strings tying on the sides.

Everything was going smooth on the beach. It was a little cloudy out there and it started raining for a little bit. But after a little while, the sun started shinning. Watrina had some sun tan lotion with her and she asked me to put some on her back and legs. I proceeded to put it on her back and she told me to undo her string and I did, no harm no foul, her breasts were on the ground. So while I’m undoing her string, Eunice looks at us and says in a funny manner, “what the hell is y’all doin?” We didn’t see that we were doing anything out of the ordinary because women undo the back of their bathing suits all the time to get a little sun on their backs at the beach. We even saw a few other women doing it.

So Eunice starts telling Romeo not to look at her and this and that, which I thought was also a joke. So Watrina is laying there and everything seems to be fine. I was sitting by Watrina at one point and I decided to move in the circle where everybody else was conversing. As I move over there by my cousin Romeo, Eunice tells Romeo to turn his chair around; she don’t want him giving Watrina any attention and she was serious because she told him twice and she said in the air, “I don’t’ know why she doin’ that shit.” And then she turns to me and says, “And …., I’m telling you that you are gonna respect me at my house and my family. No public displays of affection.” I hadn’t heard that since high school senior year. I figured that she was just jealous because let her tell it, Romeo never touches her. So I just says “alright” and turns my head and sing, “Lord help me forgive him I got some issues” (Jay Z). Eunice has issues I know, so I just left it alone and didn’t even say anything.

As we were leaving the beach, Eunice says to Watrina, “I have to talk to you young lady about woman issues” Obviously talking about the undoing of the bathing suit top strap. When she was saying it she said in a fun way as if it was really no big deal. Later on that night while everybody was home Watrina didn’t want to socialize with anyone and she didn’t tell me why and that made me upset. After me bitching at her about it, she tells me that she didn’t feel good; she felt that she didn’t have anything in common with the older married people, so we never made it outside to the pool with everyone else. She told me when we got back to New York that she wasn’t gonna socialize with someone (Eunice) who thought she was trying to seduce her husband.

So me taking my sexy younger girlfriend on the trip caused a little slight disaster, but nothing major. There weren’t any big heated arguments about it or nothing; it was just a little issue. When I got to work Wednesday, I emailed Eunice that I had a good time. She e-mailed me back saying that she thought I was gonna curse her out. I told her that she just over-reacted about the bathing strap on the beach. Why did I say that? It started a whole chain of e-mails between she and I defending our position on the issue. The chain of e-mails caused my cousin Romeo to get mad at me because Eunice was turning my standing up for Watrina into a personal issue with him and how he behaves toward her.

I think the relationship between me, Romeo and Eunice was damaged a little by this incident. But it doesn’t matter. I try not to depend on anyone and stand on my own two. They helped me out in a time of need when I got fired. Romeo was supposed to be send me $100 a month for like three to four months, but I actually only received one $100 check. They sent me $800 as a pay advance because I wasn’t getting paid for a month and I needed the money to tide me over. As soon as I got my check I mailed them the $800. So if the bridge was burned in that respect, to me there wasn’t really ever a bridge to start with.

EMAILS:

ME 5.31.2002 9:47 AM: You over reacted and are over reacting: “She’s disrespecting her own worth. She took her off top in FRONT OF Romeo while he was taking pictures. She had to go home with us. (I didn’t know trying to get sun on your back was such a slutty act). You don’t have to take off your top to get attention. Would you want your daughter to do that on the beach?” Are you hearing yourself?

As if you, Romeo, or me saw her bare tidies out on the beach. Did you, because I didn’t? I guess some time while I wasn’t looking, she turned around and smiled at the camera flashing her breasts at everyone. Women take the strap of their bathing suit loose all the time on the beach and lay face down, NOT EXPOSING THEIR BREASTS TO ANYONE! I don’t see a problem with it, so if my daughter did that, I wouldn’t mind and I’d still think she was beautiful and be happy to have her riding home with me.

The sun was shining at times but not a lot, so in your over reaction you can use the “no sun” excuse to hold up your insecurity about her being younger than you, having a better body than you, and being around your husband with her back out. If it makes you feel any better, I took a few glances at you in your bathing suit and you didn’t look bad.

And you answered the “does she do it often question yourself.” There aren’t good beaches around and in New York, people do other things and most of us don’t think about goin’ swimming on a beach or sun tanning. That’s like asking women in Cancun do they sun bath often, so why are they doing it there?

I never grabbed her bare breasts in front of no one, especially not on the beach, and especially not in front of Conotry.

Maybe we shouldn’t come back together, if we even stay together, until she has her second bady like you and Joanie, and has a little more fat hanging out of her bathing suit bottom.

And it is also an issue of different views on different things. I know and been knew that I and probably Romeo is a little bit more liberal than you. In my liberalness, people can do what they want when they want. It’s only disrespect if it is directed directly at ME. If she took her top off right in front of Romeo’s eyes and he saw her bare tidies, nipple and all, then that would have been disrespect to you, me and Romeo as a married man. But it is just my liberal view and opinion that her breasts were on the ground at all times when she took her top off. AND A BREAST IS NOT REALLY A BREAST UNTIL YOU SEE THE NIPPLE! DID YOU SEE HER NIPPLE?

We could go on and on. To end this, she probably won’t want to come back and if she does she and me will make sure that she doesn’t wear anything with her back out. I guess the shirt with the chains in the back with the tight jeans was a little much also huh? Too much skin showing? Like you said about money, she got it like that. And though Romeo is a handsome man, I think she respects the fact that he is married with children and is my cousin. Maybe you are telling off on yourself as a woman, like you said, about how scandalous you are, were, or could be.

EUNICE 5.31.2002 10:47 AM: See Romeo, how ….. is standing up for his GIRLFRIEND, even if it means insulting his favorite cousin’s wife-who allowed you to send him money at will, loan him money at will – see how he’s like “fuck everyone else when it comes down to her?!!!” I wish I had a prince charming like that.

ROMEO 5.31.2002 11:29 AM: ….., Stop writing emails about this subject or anything close to it to my wife. This is enough. This is affecting my personal life and I don’t like it. Stop it, stop it, stop it! If any more emails should come my way concerning this subject I will take it personal and will handle it in that manner. Now I said enough in the last message I sent out and I’m not going to send out anymore saying enough. Eunice, You stop also. The views you should be concerned with are those in our house. ….. is no longer here. Let him be. Leave it alone. Everyone’s thoughts have been aired. Enough!!!

Everyone who spends a little amount of time with Eunice can tell that she has major issues with life. Romeo said that she had a rough life coming up. He didn’t go into detail about what that meant but I can tell from how she acts. I think her life with Romeo, the two kids, the business, the success, the new houses, etc. is what holds her together and defines her. If she lost her status so to say, she’d break down I think.

The new house! Let’s talk about the new house! This house is what I was expecting last time. The new house is bangin! From the front door, you have a living room and an office and their master bedroom with a big master bath, with bath tub and a stand-alone double shower with double shower heads as to take showers together without actually having to share the water. Then, you enter the kitchen which is of good size; off from that is the entertainment room with the big screen T.V. on the wall. They have soft plush, butta leather furniture. Then off from that room is the kid’s game room. It had a mini pool table, a ping pong table and a mini air hockey game. That room also had a bathroom with a nice size shower, but no tub. Then, coming back through the entertainment room, you go into the back where the kids’ rooms are. And in the middle of their rooms is a shared bathroom with double vanity sink and mirror separated from the tub/shower and toilet. This bathroom also serves as the main bathroom I think for guest. Then you have the wash room and the three car garage. Then back to the entertainment room, on the other side is the patio outside with the in-ground swimming pool. The swimming pool is kind of small though, but it’s a refreshing pool none the less. And of course all of this is housed in a screen to keep the bugs out. Then outside of the patio house is the full tennis court which also serves as a basketball court as well, with break-away backboards. They probably should have housed it in a screen also and put a light out there, but they didn’t think of that or ran out of money.

It’s a beautiful home; one I wish I had. I don’t see how I’m gonna get one with my life. I have a smart girl in Watrina but she is young and spends money frivolously right now. Though I would like my Hip Hop music career to get me in a house like that or better, that is a dream and you never know when dreams are gonna come true. I’m a strong independent young man, taking care of myself pretty well. Who knows what the future holds. I hope something good for me…….

WHEN WAS TIME YOU WERE AROUND SOMEONE ACTING OUT OF INSECURITY CAUSING A GOOD TIME TO BECOME A BAD TIME?

Jrnl Entry No. 5.21.2002

Reflecting on this bullshit we call life this morning. I got a trip planned with my cousin Jeff and his wife Joanie to go to Florida to see my cousin Romeo and his wife Eunice. My girlfriend Watrina is coming along with me. I’ve been seeing her for a year now, and besides her having friends for all I know, that she could be fucking at any time, everything with us is kind of alright. If we can get passed the friend thing then we will be fine; I am more calm about her friend situation that I was six months ago.

Like this past Sunday her friend Thurston, some older man who is her nieces godfather, called her on her phone all night leaving messages about how he misses her and how he wish he could lay next to her and this other bullshit. She maintains that they are just friends; that he slept on the floor when she went to Vegas with him, and that he is just a lonely man. He called her five times during the night. Some other guy also called who she says is her friend and he works at a restaurant and she ate lunch there for free and he served her and her friends especially. He called asking her why doesn’t she respond to his calls, and said he wants to put a smile on her face like he did at lunch that day. She claims he is a married man.

She has an excuse for every nigga that call her talking some shit except for that maybe she fucked them or has plans for fucking them. She says if I think this about her that I shouldn’t be fuckin’ with her then. My take is that people do things and you can’t stop them. The real of life is that no nigga or no bitch is above giving their pussy or dick away to someone else while in a relationship; hell, even marriage. So if shit is constantly popping up, you might as well think the worse. That is just my way. Fuck being optimistic about the shit. Cheating, while bad, is really a small thing, once it’s done, it’s done and can’t be reversed, but it can be lived with for one or so incidences. But if the shit happens repeatedly, then fuck that bitch or that nigga because they are disrespecting you as a person, and as the person whom they say they want to be in a relationship with.

Watrina also tells me that she will fuck Colbert if we are not talking for a few months or so. She says they used to fuck and I guess she likes him; says he is a ladies man. I don’t know why they stopped fucking around in the first place. She also got her boyfriend Mique over my head who is prison serving 25 years to life. Who says if that nigga pop out of jail, she won’t fuck him. All this just increases the possibility that I will fuck around when the time comes. She also maintains that she will cheat in a relationship other than marriage. I can tell from being with her that she’s only part serious about this relationship. This Chinese horoscope thing says that I shouldn’t fuck with her because she is not gonna be nothing but trouble. I see that, but I also see happiness so I’ll chance it. I’m only getting married once like I’m only having one kid. So if my marriage fails, and my dream to become a Hip Hop producer fails, I told Watrina I’ll just live the life of a recluse, alone and stop all contact with my family except my mother and daughter.

I’m getting better at my job, but I still suck at it. I’ll see this month if I can work this cash reconciliation out without the help of my supervisor. I’m having trouble billing clients in the system, but I’ve semi-figured that out. I have to have my boss check it out and if it is a go, then I’m fine with that.

I’m kind of lost with this music shit also. I don’t know where to turn with this. I got tracks, but what to do with them I don’t know. No one seems to want to even lead me in any type of direction with this shit. All anyone can say is that your tracks ain’t hot enough, which I don’t believe that shit. I’ve been listening to and making this shit in my head for 15 years and I know how to make it. The mutha fuckas who tell me that my tracks ain’t up to par are just those trying to discourage me, to weed out the weak; the shit is light weight working, but I’m crawling slowly not at a complete stop.

I hate the future because the shit is so uncertain. I could get fired again or laid off and I am not prepared for that. I like this job and want to excel at it, but who says that this job is not gonna lose some of its clients down the road and not gain new ones? Everything is a toss-up and that is fucked up. From job security to love relationship; my bills are all fucked up. I had to sacrifice a few bills to pay for this trip to Florida. Watrina is probably gonna try and pay for the whole trip for me and her and her daughter, but I’m gonna take $300 with me and I’ll probably spend it all. I’m planning on getting drunk from the time I hit Florida to the day when it’s time to drive back. I’m gonna enjoy myself on this trip. Enjoy having Watrina there with me.

I know everybody there is gonna be dressed all corny. Watrina and I are gonna be like out of place looking like city slickers and shit. Jeff and Joanie will probably be wearing matching outfits and shit. Eunice is a toss-up; she may not be looking that corny especially since she saw how Watrina does it. I know Romeo and Eunice’s friends are gonna be super corny. Like the last time I was there, Eunice’s friend Leafette was on a casual day, had on some Polo jeans and that shit is so played out. I can’t even say that she was trying to be that fashionable, it was a baby birthday party. It is really ridiculous how New York style is so different from any other place in America. You have to be here for a year or two and then go to another city to really feel the effect of this. I used to visit here for a day or two and go back home and everything seemed cool, not country as everybody calls where I’m from. But after staying in New York for two and half years, I see what New Yorkers mean when they call our accent country and our style of dress outdated. See living in Ohio, we call Mississippi and Atlanta country by way of their accent. But since I’ve been staying in New York, I’ve noticed that in Ohio we do have an accent and it does sound a little country.

@BLK_PEEPSTOP No. III

#blackpeople stop eating fried food and mac & cheesee every other night, it is killing u with high blood pressure and diabetes

#blackpeople u do realize u can survive on less than a full course meal everyday & that jogging helps u live longer. eat more fruits & Vegs.

Let’s start with health facts. When you eat pasta/carbohydrates they provide the body with fuel/energy to operate. The night before every New York City marathon, there is a big pasta dinner party for the runners. Why, you may ask? The purpose is to sustain their energy for running 26 miles the next day. If you eat pasta and do not exercise to burn off the energy, what was not used for energy purposes turns into sugar, which then is stored as fat causing weight gain. Add cheese into the mix and a spare tire, muffin top, large thighs and expanded waist are inevitable.

Growing up, my immediate family of my grandmother, two aunts, my mother and one cousin, we ate pasta about three to four days a week in the form of Kraft boxed macaroni and cheese, which we later switched to Velveeta boxed macaroni and cheese shells; we’d eat that with either fried pork chops or friend chicken. Later in the week, maybe Saturday, we’d have spaghetti and ground beef which was cooked in such a large portion it lasted two to three days. In talking with my friends, their family meals consisted of the same foods.

Have you ever noticed a young Black American woman in her 20s who has a fine body, but as she approaches her 30s, she’s constantly gaining weight and starts saying she needs to lose weight. Somehow, she never does and as the years pass she gets fatter and fatter. This is due to her diet and lack of exercise. Her diet more than likely consist of many carbs, fried foods, bread and sugary and/or alcoholic drinks. Even if she starts to work out, her shape does not change much due to her difficulty changing her eating and drinking habits. At the age of — I have a nice frame for a man my age. My diet consist of baked chicken and vegetables, chips-a-hoy cookies, honey nut cheerios with milk, and water in my home refrigerator to drink with my meals or to quench my thirst. If I eat pasta and drink sugary beverages, it’s usually at someone else house, a party or the holidays. I also purchase fried chicken and/or pizza approximately once a month.

You do not have to give up all of the foods you love, but the problem comes in when you’re frying meats in your home three times a week, frying cheese burgers and french fries in your home every Saturday, cooking or ordering out pasta/cheese dishes three times a week. Even combined with exercise, you will not see much results unless your exercise regimen is often and rigorous or raises your heart rate for a significant amount of time.

I met a woman when she was 49 years old, going on 50. She had a better body than many 26 – 33 year olds I’d see in New York City. In talking with her, we quickly hit it off because she’s a proponent of exercise, eating healthy and keeping up a beautiful image. In fact, she is semi-famous, goes by the name of “PANAMA” around her neighborhood of Crown Height Brooklyn, for being virtually the only woman her age who looks as well as she does. She dresses with a younger flavor, which does not look bad or ridiculous at all because she has a younger body which compliments the clothes she wears. She let me know her exercise regimen, which is really quite simple and non-strenuous, but the trick is she does it every morning without fail and does some things at night without fail and she also does not eat a fatty fried meat, pasta cheese and bread filled diet every night of the week. Her exercise regimen consist of 150 crunches (not sit-ups, but crunches), 90 squats assisted by grabbing on to the sink, 120 push-ups standing at a 45 degree angle from the sink or wall, 100 arm curls with a 10lb weight for each arm and 100 (50 to each side) waist twist with a kitchen broom. Her diet consists of fruit and tea for breakfast on the weekdays, two boiled eggs with a slice of toast and tea on the weekends. She has a light lunch during the weekdays, which consist of (not all in one day) a variety of vegetables and fruits or tuna salad with wheat bread, half of bottle of orange juice, or sardines and crackers or a salad. Her dinners consist of salt fish, potatoes and other vegetables, baked chicken or fish, rice and vegetables, beef stew with potatoes and vegetables, spaghetti. She has a late night light sweet snack of a slice of cake or sweet crackers, or cookies and Ice Cream. SHE DOES NOT COOK WITH ANY SALT, but rather uses other substitutes for flavor. One thing I noticed regarding her diet, is she fast one day a week on Tuesday; hence, the “you do not have to eat a full course meal every night to survive” SHE DOES NOT EAT FRIED ANYTHING! SHE DOES NOT EAT MACARONI AND CHEESE! If you notice, she eats all of the food groups, not just vegetarian or vegan or atkins. She does not overeat and stuff herself. She’s maintained a regular exercise routine and consistent diet, she was married 25 years, had two kids and has always maintained a fine looking body for years continuing into her 50s. Men, 20-something try and talk to her all day when she walks the streets going to work or during a weekend stroll.

Jrnl Entry No. 10.13.1999

I’m sitting here waiting for a summary of income statements to finish printing. I’m goin’ home tonight to see Sausha, to see Janelle. I’ll probably go and check Flynn out just to spend some time with him you know. I haven’t talked to him in a while. He’s probably doing nothing, fucking with some bitch from somewhere. I was thinking on my way home from lunch that Flynn has tow-motor experience, and probably could get a job working in the warehouse here at The Italian Job. But 1. They probably don’t need no more workers. 2. I remember him saying that he would not like to live in New York. I bet that him and Burton would love it up here; I mean all the boriquaz you could imagine and whatever else of light skin they may like. I mean madd shit to get into like Windexter used to say.

I don’t know of all the madd shit, but I’m learning a few spots. And take for example like Saturday night just hangin’ out at the party and watching the girls and cars go by was like fun on the really. I was just sitting there not ready to go home, chillin’ you know. Man the bitches up here is like, I don’t know, but whatever they like, I don’t like em’. One thing I do like though is seeing my people in places, ugly or not. I mean most women you see usually have a nice ass in some tight jeans, but it’s like sometimes they try to be too fly and just disturb my whole shit for em’. And the weaves and braids are ridiculous.

Sausha says she was getting hawked up here and I know why. She has that natural beauty, not flyness, but beauty: natural hair, natural skin, and a little sexy body to go with it. Guys like that naturalness in a woman. Girls here don’t understand the concept that a pair of nice fitting jeans, a nice quality pair of shoes or boots, and a nice fitting top, with pants and top showing off your curves a lot or a little is the sexiest outfit for little to no money. They try to get too fly here and half of them don’t got it and won’t get it.

Burton needs to move his ass up here, but I think he is scared; scared that he won’t get attention for his dreads for the most part. See, down there in Ohio he stands out because he looks like he is from here in New York. The same with Maxumus, he is in Warren with one of the best girls in town. I can’t say best looking because I haven’t seen her in a while. But I say one of the best because she is gainfully employed with car, apartment, owns a house and is trying to buy another one. She can be very beautiful when she wants to be. She has three kidz: two by my man Ceasar whom she would have married had he not died in a motor cycle accident. She just had a kid by Maxumus whom she has just had a thing for since I don’t know when. I guess she will stay with him also and probably get married.

Now for some reason I don’t think that Alissa is looked upon and judged for having three kidz. Let’s take a look at why. Well, mainly because of the things I mentioned about her up top. She is taking care of her business well. She is not living in the projects; seems to have it all figured out just the same as Lauryn Hill or any other independent woman. It’s not that you are judged for having three kidz; if you are going to birth three kidz into this world without no way to take care of them besides the Gov’t, it looks like bad planning on your part; therefore, yee shall be judged by some people.

But back to Maxumus for a moment; he is from Queens N.Y., but he seems to be havin’ a great time in Warren, Ohio. He is having a great time because he has that quality of being from New York, which makes him different from all the rest of the little people in Warren. He was or is a drug dealer which hoes seem to love in Warren. Now in N.Y. what would he be; a petty drug dealer out of the thousands and that is it. There would be nothing special about him. He would just be an average, short, bow-legged little nigga, and he is afraid of that. I don’t really know, but if he could be something else better in N.Y., why is he is Warren? I heard he was thinking of moving back to N.Y., but Alissa didn’t like the idea. I guess she is afraid to make a move also. She said that she wanted to move from Warren to Atlanta or N.Y. but she still remains. I don’t think she is afraid of losing any recognition that she has in Warren because all women need for recognition is an ass, some tidys and an average face, all of which she has; a beautiful face actually.

I guess mutha fuckaz is afraid to take chances and just make a more exciting life for themselves. Mutha fuckaz complain, complain, complain, but come opportunity to go, they stay put; nervous confined or a corner. Living in Warren is for the elderly. I’m especially seeing that since I’ve been living in N.Y. for the last three months. People over a certain age shouldn’t be allowed to live within one hundred miles of this place. But what age should that be? 55,60,65? It should all be for the young and middle age. People say this place is fast and they don’t like it. Well I guess the constant movement will scare some. You do have to be very aware of all your surroundings, especially while driving. If you daydream for one moment too long, you’re in an accident.

People complain about their children growing up around all of these buildings with no grass or yard to play in. I say just what I said when everybody was telling me that I didn’t want to live here. I said there are millions of people already there, if they can do it so can I. Millions of kidz have grown up there and turned out just fine, just as good as some of the ones I grew up with in Warren playing baseball and kickball in the Highland Holmes in the grass. Whether it’s fear to grow up and just make the best out of a different living situation or that the city is not for everyone, when you mention N.Y., Mutha fuckaz get frozen. I ain’t scared of this place. Fuck this place, I’m gon’ conquer his city like P Diddy!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SCARED TO MOVE: DIFFERENT JOB, DIFFERENT NEIGHBORHOOD, DIFFERENT CITY, DIFFERENT STATE? WHY?