Jrnl Entry No. 12.28.1999

Foreigners! Now I don’t know if I have ever touched up on this subject before but I have had two experiences, one on each of my jobs with foreigners. I must talk about it now.

Now generally I’m a fair and equal opportunity kind of guy, people are people right? Wrong!

Now my first experience with a foreigner was on my first job at Dairy Mart. This woman was some kind of Indian descent. She was one of those people who wear a red dot on her head. In her case at work, she would part her hair and wear the red dot in the part. But anyway she was weird like. She had like a master’s degree in mathematics, and was thinking about going back to school to get her accounting degree. She was working in the Franchise store accounting department making about $16K to $19K per year non-salary. She was always on her Ps and Qs, trying to be so perfect and never make any mistakes.

For example she had a cell phone and would use it to make personal calls following the policy of not using the phone to make personal calls at work. Now come on, how many folks do you know who actually follow that rule? The rule is there so that you will not abuse the telephone at work, like be on the phone all day on a long distance call with your best friend everyday. I guess she had this thought that if she made a little mistake she would be fired instantly on the spot. One day I sent her an Email after she told me the educational background that she had. I told her that she could find a much better job in Cleveland teaching or something or an accounting job. She come over to me talking about I was going to get her in trouble so don’t send her any e-mails like that again on personal stuff. Now I’m thinking that I spend half the day on e-mail with my cousins, friends and frat brothers and I haven’t gotten in a bit of trouble.

Another thing about foreigners like her is that they always have a heavy accent. Now African Americans have been on the spot for years for not being able to speak correct English, and here we have this bitch who stutters because she can’t speak the language hardly at all. She was so detailed oriented always asking questions. She really got on everyones nerves including her manager who told her that she needed to relax. Maybe she didn’t listen to her manager because she was a black woman. If you touched something on her desk she would know it and get all nervous about it.

Now on my present job I work with another woman of Indian descent. She looks almost black, hell she is black, but she is foreign, with curly black hair. She gets nervous if you touch something on her desk. Like the other day I had to get a check list from her. She gave me the list and I didn’t give it back to her until a couple of days later. When I gave it back to her she says “don’t take things off my desk if you are not gonna return them because if you lose them I’ll be in big trouble.” I’m thinking bitch you gave me the papers first of all. So she is going on and I says to her, “what do I look like some kid, I ain’t gonna lose the papers. The papers were on my desk, you sound ridiculous.” She speaks good English but she still has her accent not pronouncing shit correctly. She is detailed oriented and she treats me like I don’t know shit. I just look at her when she is explaining shit to me that I already know. Like one time she was trying to tell me how to do a reversing journal entry, which I used to do on my last job. Maybe she thinks that I just got out of college, or maybe she thinks certain accounting processes are unique to this company since she has been here for so many years.

Another situation with a foreigner was when this Chinese bitch was in here auditing our books. The experience with her wasn’t so bad except that she really could barely speak the language. Now how is it that you obtain a good paying accounting job with a big six accounting firm and you don’t speak English. I guess Chinese people are smart and they study really hard, but they should be able to speak English well before they are employed especially if they are going to be working with Americans mostly. She was like shy though but these bitches of Indian descent that I was describing earlier, they were or are pushy bitches. I just try to stay away from the one I work with now as much as possible because I don’t want to have to curse her ass out.

I remember the one bitch from Diary Mart she was asking me to help her carry something one day. I told her to wait a minute because I didn’t think that I was supposed to be helping her that day. So she gets pissed and she has the nerve to tell me that I was pissing her off. I said, “you are pissing me off too so what are you gonna do.” I notice the one I am presently working with she always tries to talk over everyone, if you are asking her a question or if her boss is asking her a question, she is answering before he finished the question. She is just a hyper type bitch trying to make it seem like she is always on top of everything.

I don’t know, but these two women just acted funny to me. They were not your average relaxed ordinary people. And because they are always edgy it makes them appear phony.

My friends always hollering about Rican bitches and telling me that I am going to get with one because you see a lot of them here in N.Y. I am not gonna get with one because of the culture differences. They are fine but I just can’t see it. I may fuck a couple or maybe not.

Jrnl Entry No.12.27.1999

Back off of the Christmas weekend. I spent the whole weekend in N.Y. Friday I went and did some shopping at this mall in Jersey that I knew how to get to compliments of Melonie. I had a $50 gift certificate at The Gap given to me by my supervisor for Christmas. I wouldn’t have been able to drive in Manhattan and park my car during the day so I figured I’d go to Jersey to a mall and maybe shout at some honeys.

While in the Gap I saw this beautiful little honey walk in. She was short and petite. She had braids in her hair, but they were in a bun. Now you know how I talk about weave and braids, that I don’t like them, but she had that face that just struck me as unique and beautiful. I gave her a second look and decided that I’d talk to her. I got on line to buy my two shirts. After I made the purchase, I went looking for her. She was in line standing by herself. So I starts walking toward her and I’m looking at her. She gave me a glance, and I walked on by being scared you know. But then I circle back and walks up and starts talking to her; getting the usual info: name, age, etc. She was twenty six. I was like thank god because I keep running into 22 yr olds. Some how I asked the kill yourself question of did she have a boyfriend. She said yes. I talked to her about a minute more and then went about my way, biding her a nice day, and a “it was nice meeting you.”

I figure I’d walk around the mall some more and see what I could see. At this one particular time I seen this girl and she struck me because her face looked sexy; make-up well done, not too much, not too little. As I was looking at her she licked her lips and that struck a nerve. I was walking in the opposite direction. I didn’t even think, I just grabbed her. I kind of shocked her. We talked for a minute, and I got the info that she was 22 working for an advertising agency in Manhattan. She graduated from college, and that she already had someone sticking dick to her on a regular. I started walking around some more. I really didn’t see too many girls that I wanted to talk to after that so I started looking for the exit that I entered into, which I couldn’t find for like an hour.

When I left the mall, I stopped over Melonie’s house, but she wasn’t home. I then returned home. I went out to Club Speed. I saw about three or four girls in there that I wanted to talk to. There was this bad, body bangin’, sexy ass woman in there that I approached. She was West Indian I guess. She had a heavy accent. She was bullshitting me. First she told me that she was 28 then 30. She told me she was a cop in N.Y. Then she told me that she lived in Jamaica. I said “Jamaica, Queens?” She said, “no, Jamaica.” So I says you just told me you were a cop in N.Y. She burst out laughing. I asked her why she was trying to bullshit me? She got around to telling me that she was just at the club with her friend and wasn’t trying to meet anyone. She was telling me how the guys in that club had no class. They come and grab and touch on you out of the blue. I asked her how was my class rating? She said it was excellent, but she wasn’t interested in getting to know me better. After her I talked to another girl I had spotted earlier and she turned me down with the “I have a boyfriend line.” I went home.

Oh, I saw Melonie in the club and she was looking sexy. She danced with me and I asked her why had she been avoiding me? She said she wasn’t. She stopped dancing with me to go to the bathroom, and told me to wait there and she’d be back. She grabbed her friend and left. I said to myself, “if she is just goin’ to the bathroom, why did she take her girl with her?” I figured she wasn’t coming back. I waited there like 10 minutes and then walked away. I spotted her on the other side of the club. I didn’t look at her though. I could see her out the corner of my eye. I just stood there and waited to see if she was going to come up to me. She didn’t. So I was like fuck her then. I seen her a little while later by the area where she told me to wait for her. I said, “so you back from the bathroom now?” She said yes, and I just kept on walking.

As I was on my way home, I was thinking about Melonie, how I could probably get into her because I love a sexy woman. I called her when I got home and told her it was nice to see her , and I told her to call me tomorrow. She called and we had a cool little conversation as she was on her way to her mom’s house for dinner. I called her the next day and left a message on her answering machine that I wanted to see her that day. She never called back, so now I’m pretty much like fuck her again. At first it seemed like she was all on my nuts and ready to jump into this relationship. Now, it’s like she’s playing this game. And you know how I don’t tolerate games. So like I told myself, she has until New Years. If I am not fucking by New Years or close to it, she is dropped. I ain’t got time to be chasing after some pussy.

Me, Ricardo and Kenny went and hung out that Sunday. I thought these cats wanted to go to a club and chill. No, they wanted to ride around all night from club to club and catch the hoes going inside.

Excuse my language, I very much respect ladies, but when I’m writing or talking with my niggaz, I ain’t got time to sound politically correct, so fuck you and your thoughts of that is how I view women. I love women, especially those who love me back.

But any way we rode by The Tunnel and seen a couple of hot girls going inside. Around there is really no place to stop your car because the cops swarm the place. They didn’t really want to get out of the car because they were talking about how niggaz try to rob you. We rode around The Tunnel like three times and then headed for CLUB NEW YORK. Now, Club N.Y was off the hook, line outside and plenty of sexy fine asses walking up and down the street, especially after they announced that it would cost $50 – $150 to get in.

I was having like the time of my life out there. I must have hollered at about six girls, and no one really gave me any rhythm. This one girl, I gave her my number after joking with her for a while. I doubt if she will call though. We out there like for two three hours. Now Kenny and Ricardo were hollering at hoes from my car window expecting girls to stand there in the cold and talk to them. I told them no one is going to talk to you that way. So Ron and I started walking toward the line. I talked to a few girls on my way there, while I was in line, while we were walking away, when we got back to the car and honeys were walking toward the club. I was talking to every girl that I liked something about. That’s another thing I love about this city; the women, even though most won’t give you a number and let you call and get to know them, it is just beautiful to see so many of them on a regular basis when a club spot is hoppin’ off. I had big fun last night just talking with various young ladies and getting nothing back. I don’t know if it’s a good thing to be seeing so many nice shaped asses right in front of your face, when you jump at the chance to get to know them, they turn you down.

Well Caroline, the 30 year old woman at work who is dating a 23 year old young man, she got engaged to him on Christmas. She keeps herself tight and I would probably marry her also. She is a fine woman. She came into work telling her story this morning and everyone was listening. I wonder how Sheila feels with her four kidz not being married at age 32. I tell you black people are so backwards. I bet she feels like shit because I think she is with the guy who she just had her last baby by and he probably ain’t thinking about marrying her, ain’t even mentioned it. He’s just enjoying that tube tyed ass for the moment. And maybe he will marry her I don’t know. See Sheila is like Sausha. But she has four kidz. She looks beautiful on occasions. She is a very beautiful woman: natural long pretty black hair, nice big ass with a gut to go with it compliments of her kidz. She comes to work with her hair done about once a month. Her gear for the most part is cheesy and cheap because she can’t afford anything better with four kidz.

Now Caroline who has no kidz, she is like sexy everyday like I like it. I just look at Sheila sometimes and say to myself, “look at this stupid bitch with all these kidz.” I don’t feel sorry for her at all. She made the decision to be a humanitarian and have all them damn kidz, so that is her problem. If she didn’t have so many kidz or just one, maybe she’d be married by now or close to it. I don’t know what women be thinkin’ when they have kidz without a ring on there hand. It baffles me every time I think about it.

Now take Caroline for example. She is fine, and I know someone probably busted some nuts in that ass and got it pregnant, or maybe, just maybe she has been good with her birth control method or methods all these years. Whatever the case, she has kept herself beautiful and kidless, and now she will get married have kidz and probably live happily ever after. And in the end, if she gets a divorce and is left with a kid, I don’t think her husband will abandon his kidz and even if he does at least she can say she tried to make it work the right way in a union with someone.

What can a single bitch say when she has two or three kidz; nothing but “I was stupid.” And single mothers hurt themselves as well as the man who tries to stick around and at least be involved in his childs life. They hurt themselves because they are less mobile now with a child to think about, and probably less attractive to some men. They hurt the father of the child by taking a good portion of his money that he could be buying a home with or saving for retirement, or just enjoying life with. So single parenting hurts everyone involved in some way, even the child. But humanitarians will be what they are, willing to sacrifice a good portion of their life for a life that they are not well prepared to take care of. STUPID!

And speaking on this marriage subject, let us talk about Darry. Now I met Darry here at work. He was cool. He has a girlfriend he had been with for three years. She was pregnant when I met him. He had mentioned that he was going to marry her. But then all of sudden he comes to work talking about he was getting married next month. Now something don’t sound right to me. He’s acting like it was a union that was bound to happen someday anyway. But I think that nigga was forced to marry her a little early by her parents and/or his. He don’t even have a place for them to stay. Now if I’m gonna get married, I damn sure am going to have a place for me and my wife and kid to be born to stay. This nigga was giving me a speech on not talking to anyone I won’t consider marrying. This nigga trys to talk all mature like he had all the answers. His girl mentioned that to me one day how he talks like a father figure. I see what she meant the minute he started talking that shit to me and I am older than he is. I guess it’s a Aries thing to try and be more mature than you really are, and look and talk to everyone else like they are a kid. Lauren used to try that “you ain’t ready for me” shit and Victoria used to always talk and laugh about shit I like to do like it was immature. I had to tell her “yeah, I’m so immature but you trying to get your college degree, a job, an apartment or house and car. I got all this, but I’m immature.”

Yeah, I think that nigga Darry just trying not to have his child be born out of wed-lock. Maybe he did it on his own or was forced. Whatever the case, I don’t think he is really ready to be married. He is convincing himself that he is.

I made a bangin’ track on Christmas night. I have made three songs in the last three weeks. There is something about my production that I don’t like, and then there is something bout it that I do like. I seen RED ALERT last night. I was going to talk to him but he had an entourage of niggaz standing around him. I had made a new tape to hand out last night. I was talking to this white girl named Olga. She was telling me her boyfriend was an engineer in Hip Hop. I ended up giving her my tape. She said her boyfriend doesn’t even listen to tapes. I told her to listen to it and if she likes it to give it to him. It probably won’t result in anything. I was thinking that I shouldn’t have given her my tape in the first place, but oh well.

I’m here at work and no bosses will be here until like Thursday. I have a little work to do but I’ll probably write my thoughts like these all week. Sausha sent me a letter talking about how I didn’t really love her. I am searching for perfection and nothing is perfect. She says that she can’t be as beautiful as I would like her to be right now but one day she will be. And that is exactly my point. I don’t have time to wait on you because your life is fucked up compliments of your three kidz by the same daddy who is in jail. By the time you get your life together, I hope to be completely happy, not just starting to be happy with you after some years of suffering and sacrificing for your kidz. I love her but I can’t do it. I’m broke, she broke, and we can’t help each other. I need to be in unison with someone who can bring more than just sex and a companionship to the table. I’m realizing that now, and that is what I’m going for.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.10.1999

Its Friday. I’m sitting here at work and my dick is semi hard. I want some pussy as usual. I got a date tonight with Melonie. She says she feels comfortable around me so maybe she will be comfortable enough to wrap her lips and wet hot pussy around my dick.

Last night I finished my latest song. I started writing lyrics to it the day after I had the bass line and melody down. The song is about Hip Hop, how it shows no love to people who love it the most. And it seems like Hip Hop is leaving the real MC in a trade for Limp Biscuit. People like Jay Z and DMX who don’t take the time to come with innovative rhymes anymore like, “you coppin me like white crystal / I gross the most at the end of the fiscal year than these niggaz could wish to” (Jay Z “Dead Presidents”) He don’t say shit like that anymore. DMX never was a great lyricist, but you was eager to hear him when he was on the guest appearances with The Lox and Mase. Now his shit has played out, but yet his next album will still go platinum. The industry look at this and lives by it. If you don’t have a gimmick or this or that, they ain’t signin you. Like Nas song with Genuwine “You Owe Me” that shit is terrible, but yet I hear that people are feeling it. I guess the teenagers love shit like that. Its just a generation gap type of thing like our parents loved soul r&b music. When rap came along, some of them liked it a little, but for the most part they didn’t understand.

I am kind of anxious to see Melonie tonight. I hope he looks sexy as she did the first two times I saw her. If she invites me into her apartment and I try to get into the panties, she will probably hit me witt some bullshit like she isn’t ready yet or we haven’t went out for long enough. I tell you bitches kill me. It only takes about a week to see how a mutha fucka talkin, and for you to know if you kind of like him. I think Melonie has been giving me all kind of clues that the pussy is mine. She tells me that my voice is sexy and it’s nice to hear it. But of course all that shit really means nothing. She is probably saying that to fuck witt my head to make me think I’m gonna get some pussy, but really has no intention on giving it to me. I think I need to get me someone else to talk to anyway since Melonie claims that she bees so busy on the weekdays. I know that is not gonna get it.

A thought just popped into my head about this girl I met in Columbus at the block party about three years ago. Her name is Dana. She said that she wanted to move to N.Y. to pursue a career dancing on Boradway shows. Now for some reason when I saw her the last time she looked very good to me. I talked to her on the phone about two months after seeing her. Now Dana is the kind of girl I want to love. She has focus, a college degree, and wants to live in NY Like me and accomplish a dream of making it in the arts like me. I hope that some how I can run into her again and talk to her again. She has that womanly look that I am looking for.

Like take Melonie for example. She is very sexy and taking care of her business, but she is younger than I, and she looks young. Hell, I look young myself, so some woman will probably say the same thing about me. If Melonie can freak me like I want to be freaked, she may have a chance because sexiness, job and a little focus, and good pussy all sound like a good match to me. She may have some ole rotten pussy, don’t know how to fuck and shit, won’t suck a dick, don’t know how to ride a dick, and don’t like doggie sytle. If more than two of the above are true, she can forget about it. I need all of those things. But she tries to talk proper and conduct herself like a lady, so she may just be a horny little freak in the bed room. Take for example, Lillian Buckhead. She looks like a proper little young lady in public. I’ve never heard her loud or out of order when hanging with friends or anyone else. She’s a lady in the public eye, but in the bedroom she will suck the skin off your dick with her mouth, and rip your dick off with her pussy. I hope Melonie sucks dick deep throat style and just loves for a nigga to come right down her throat. I’m dying to run into a bitch like that. I’m just a horny little mutha fucka. I want kinki dick suckin’, ass lickin, ass fucking, pussy eatin’ sex until my dick falls off. I want that along with love, friendship and all that other shit that makes a relationship whole. I haven’t eaten no pussy in about three weeks since Sausha broke up with me. I need a taste. Maybe Melonie will be ready. I hope

Jrnl Entry No. 8.1.1999

The Life and Mind of an Only Child.

I Think I’ll write a free style letter to myself or whomever I let read it about whatever topic I choose to write about.

I’ve been here in New York City for about a month now. (that would put the date at about 8.27.1999) . I’ve only spent one weekend in here. And that weekend all I did was sleep and clean up. I went to a club on that Sunday night; paid $30 to get in, expecting to see some rappers, since after all, it was an album release party, (The Tunnel Club. Violator Vol. 1 album release party) but no one was there.

Here in New York, if I get bored, I can always go and take a ride into the city. I live in Queens and the city is about 15 min away. But anyway, I can always go and take a ride over there across the Queens Bridge and park my car and go window shopping. I did that the other day. I rode over there and walked by the spot where Puff Daddy was signing his album for the evening. To my surprise, which shouldn’t have been a surprise at all, at seven O’clock, the line was way outside, and people were across the street whilin’, street teams for Noreaga, Terror Squad, and Puff Daddy were having a shout out of whose album was going to sell the most. I’m out there like “these mutha fuckas must be crazy because they all know that Puffy’s shit is going to sell out the water and drown the sells of both Noreaga and the Terror Squad albums both put together.

After the cops started harassing the extra crowd who were all there just for something to do, I left that scene. From there I went down to Tramps because I heard on the radio about a month ago that De La and Slick Rick were supposed to be there this night. I called earlier and a lady told me that there was no show tonight but I figured I’d ride by and check the scene anyway. When I got there at 8 P.M., sure enough the doors were not open. I walked by Puffy’s restaurant which is right down the street from Tramps. I peaked in from the side walk since the average dinner was $30 dollars, and I figured the average beer would be $5 a 12oz. Bottle; I wasn’t in the mood to be spending that kind of money so I walked on by.

I continued to walk down to the corner of W. 21^st St and Fifth Ave. I peaked in the window of this store called Club Monaco. It was closed at 8 P.M. so I walked around to the corner and discovered this shoe store called Juno. They had some pretty slick shoes, well designed with shape and distinction. There were for sale signs in the window for $69 $79 and $89. I was expecting the prices to be way higher than that. I saw about three pair of shoes that I want out of that store. I’ll go and check the store when it is open one day. I won’t be able to buy any shoes though.

This move has really killed my finances. I’m down to $100 credit on a $5,500 credit limit, $100 a month bill to pay. Funny though that when I calculate my bills and stuff, they are all covered by my pay which comes every week. I know I am probably missing something though. I’ll see. See that is the problem; I got to wait still another month to really see what my expenses verses my income really are.

I talked to Sausha last night on the phone and she didn’t sound too good. I really don’t think that she can handle this move thing. I don’t know if she wants to be here with me or not. I think I have made it clear that she could move with me when she wants to. One problem though is the kids and a baby sitter. I was thinking have my mom come here too and we could pay her $200 a month to watch the kidz, but she may not want to do that. Maybe she will since she ain’t really got nothing else to do. That would be good for me and Sausha to be together. I love her, and I think that one day our lives are just going to click and we will both have everything we want together. It will be a struggle in the beginning.

But my life has been a struggle all through out; never having anything that I really wanted that I thought would make me feel better. I really wanted a pair of Jordan III’s but my mom wouldn’t buy them for me because I just had gotten a new pair of Diadoras. I really wanted a new car all through out high school but we were never able to afford one. I wanted a Beretta and a Blazer the most. When Long got his Chevy Blazer it was the flyest shit anyone had ever seen. He was the man when his mom bought that car for him to drive. That is when I suppose he hooked up with Janice, Tee and Pamela and Cicely Michaels. He was like a star in town when he got that car. In the 10^th grade with a car like that, yeah he was a star shinning. I hope I can give it to my kidz like that because I have to admit, that was some dope shit. Mrs. Janine knew what she was doing. Her kidz were the most during their time at Reserve. And you know they were the most since they had the hypest open house when they graduated. And I missed their party to work at Rally’s. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me to do that. I should have went. They were my first friends in the Howland Holmes. Yeah the Lindsey’s had a good life. And rightfully so since their father died of in a car accident Mrs. Janine was getting, I estimate, $500 a month per child, plus what she was bringing in from Republic Steal. So I estimate at least, cleared from taxes, $3,500.00 a month. Mr. Frank, from the little bit I know, he was cool, and had he been living, it would have been a more beautiful experience for them I think, a complete family you know. Long looks just like Mr. Frank. The money sort of made up for Mr. Frank’s absents, but still it would have been better for all if he was still here, or was dying now instead when they were just kidz.

But the only way I see myself geeing off like that to have everybody laced in the flyest gear and cars is through music. I can’t do my music in Warren Ohio so I had to move, the sooner the better. Life will get better here especially if Sausha comes, but if she doesn’t, I’ll make it better regardless.

I got to get in this regardless of who or what. I got talent, had it all my life, now is my time to try and make my talent shine. I once had dreams of being a rapper, but that shit doesn’t pay unless you go platinum. And you need one of those songs that I do not like at this time to do so, and I think that I am too old to be chasing dreams of being a hot rapper. Noreago is twenty one. I am –I’ve been writing rap songs for twelve years. If I haven’t made it to being a rapper by now, I ain’t makin it. I’ll maybe be a guest appearance artist. And who knows, maybe that will build up hype for me to have a gold selling album. But I really don’t want to do that shit, travelling the country to tour. I’m too old for that shit and like to have me a steady piece of pussy by my side. On the road, carrying your family around can get expensive unless you are Lauryn Hill. Yeah, I’ll just produce and enjoy the life of a NY Hip Hop Producer with my family at home by my side.

WHETHER YOU MOVED OUT OF TOWN OR ACROSS TOWN, WHAT WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE LIKE MOVING AWAY FROM HOME TO LIVE LIFE OR ACCOMPLISH A DREAM?