Tag: Black Rob

Jrnl Entry No. 12.30.2002

So the year is over. My relationship with Watrina is about to be over. We lasted a year and eight months. I guess that is good for her being a – year old who said she didn’t want to be in a relationship anyway. I really dove in with her though. She was my girl. I took her to meet my whole family. I took her on a trip to Florida to meet my cousin/brother Romeo and his wife and kids. Nothing all that bad happened in our relationship except that she talked to a lot of guys claiming that they were friends. I don’t really think that she was fucking any of them, but I’m a realist who will never eliminate the possibility. I’ve been fucking with Carol Ann ever since I met Watrina so whatever she has done to betray me, I’ve done much worse. I was fucking Coffee for about six months of the time. I fucked Sausha a few times in Warren and she even came and stayed a week with me while Watrina was in Jamaica. I fucked three little neighborhood girls on sort of a steady basis for like three months. I fucked Haitie whom I met taking deposits to the bank for my job.

So trust, if Watrina did fuck Thurston who she went on a trip to Vegas with; if she fucked Lamont who used to call her every day; if she did fuck Catcher whom I’d catch looking at her ass on our meetings together because she was his fashion label consultant; if she’s went out with the last guy she gave her number to on the street (the 908 guy); if she fucked the guy she met at her job and told me that she thought he was gay, and the next thing I know he was on her cell phone leaving her a message; if so, I’ve did all the same, so oh well. I haven’t spoken to her in two days. She hasn’t called me and I haven’t called her. If she doesn’t call me by 12 A.M. tomorrow night, I’m calling her the next day and I will say, “this relationship is officially over.” I met this — year old teacher at the Supper Club on Saturday night. So now I have a woman who is older than I am and I will see the difference in the relationship.

I threw all of myself at Watrina and she didn’t do the same. She’s just now starting to show me that she loves me, but this not calling me is not cool. We’ve had two arguments in the last two weeks that have resulted in us not speaking. This last one I thought was cool because I left a message on her phone that it was O.K. I’d make an adjustment in my attitude and we’d move on, but she never responded. Watrina has a bright future ahead of her from what I can tell. She gonna make lots of money and be well off. With a good responsible man by her side, won’t be no stopping her. I thought that man could be me but it’s not looking like that will be the case. My prediction is that she will be pregnant within a year of us breaking up, and trying to make a relationship work with that guy. Good luck to her.

I’m a little scared by our break up but not broken down. I’m not old enough to be trying to save a bitch as if my life depended on it. I still got years left in me before I get to that point. I’ve taken Watrina back at my angriest points and settled and called her on many occasions and apologized to her for the simplest of things and taken her back when she was on my last nerve. BUT THIS IS IT! She has never apologized for nothing that she has done or made me upset about. I’M DONE!

I was out last night with my man Aderale who popped into town for the New Year I guess. He showed up here Saturday night unannounced, which is not bad. I ain’t on that shit really, but maybe he should have called because he traveled here five or six hours. What if I already had visitors or I was out of town. I guess he was just bored and wanted to do something and didn’t care if I was here or not, he just would have went somewhere else I guess. We went to the TIKI ROOM on 22nd St in Manhattan last night. I was politickin’ in there about my music pretty well I thought. I met this producer YOGI who produced one of my favorite Hip Hop albums, “CRU, Da Dirty 30”. Yogi gave me his number so I’ma try to get in the studio with him and check what he is doing and learn the business from him if he lets me. I got a few other numbers of rappers to send my beat CD to for a listen. I saw Pocahanas from Makin The Band. I didn’t know her but Aderale did. I never saw the show. I got her manager contact to get some beats to her. She raps and sings.

I’m not getting down on myself about this music shit. I have a whole new attitude about it. I wasn’t even excited about getting Yogi’s number or whoever else’s I got last night. If it happens it will happen if it is meant to be. That is how Watrina viewed our relationship and now it is about to be over. She never took it too serious I guess all that much so I’m gone. 2003, single to find a new bitch. I met this girl Julia last night from London. I like the look of her. I gave her my number because she said that she didn’t have a phone yet because she and friends moved here. I hope she calls me.

I’m going in debt by going out like I’ve been. As of now, I’m $100 in the hole. I’ll take it out of my rent money since my landlord hasn’t fixed my electrical outlets or hasn’t had them looked at by an electrician. I’m trying to get in contact with this guy who does photo shoots of nude guys for gay magazines. He says he’ll pay $250 per session that he uses you for. Maybe I can make a lot of extra money that way. I seem to have a nice body. I have heard too many times that I have a long big dick so that must be true; so maybe this, taking nude pictures for a gay magazines, will pay off if a big way. If not, I’ll probably just end up disgracing myself. But I need more money and I can’t think of any other way to make a quick $250. It is the only option I have so I’m taking it. I got to do what I have to do to survive and live how I want to live.

I haven’t talked to my daughter in two weeks. Her mom took her down south or somewhere for Christmas and didn’t bother to call and tell me. Maybe she is mad because I keep half the child support sometimes when I need it. I do that because she gets my tax return money. I mean hell, I need some relief from somewhere. Who’s gonna pay me back for when she was being unreasonable and not letting me see my daughter? She’ll eventually get all the money paid back to her somehow.

My finances are getting so fucked up. I had to pay $802.00 to get this lady’s hood fixed after Watrina tried to throw her daughter’s bike at me and missed and the bike landed on the hood of my neighbor’s car, and then she took the bike and broke out my rear car window. In all I paid out $1,300 which came from not paying my car note which is already on my credit report as being late because I don’t pay the extra $55 a month for an insurance fee after I dropped my full coverage insurance because I couldn’t afford it two years ago.

FUCK IT, is what they say, because you only live once right? That is why I fuck the way I do because it is or was my only source of entertainment. With hardly no money to go out and Watrina not being there half the time for me, it left a lot of time to fuck other bitches who wanted some.  I mean “I ain’t married right?” Isn’t that the statement to shove off the guilt of cheating on someone? SO FUCK IT! I just hope this behavior doesn’t carry over into when I do get married because that will be trouble.

I hope this music shit or something comes through for me with a nice size check in the next year or two because I sure need it. If not, I guess I’ll live like most, with fucked up credit and no money, moving from job  to job for a higher salary of thousands, of which I’ll only receive a few hundred because of taxes.

I tell you, life is bullshit. They say even with all the money problems solved, you still have problems, so when does it ever end; when you are dead? Makes you almost want to kill yourself to think about it. Fuck that, I got to have a win situation in life somewhere in the future. Everybody lives for a better future. I live for a better financial future, a better relationship future, to accomplish my music dreams in the future.

What am I living for today when I think about it? I guess I’m living to get home and relax. I’m living to get home and cook me a chicken dinner. I’m livin to get to Justin’s tonight to maybe meet more music people or meet a nice young lady. I’m living for Watrina to call me and ask what is wrong and how can she fix it. I’m living for the next time, which may be tonight, to talk to my daughter on the telephone. That is about all I can think of. But living for those things, am I happy?

I guess they all will make me happy, but I don’t feel they will make me as happy as being in the studio with Yogi recording a Black Rob song for Bad Boy Entertainment, or being a mid to big name producer in the studio with my second greatest rapper of all time as of now, NAS. KRSONE holds the crown for his 15 years of rockin’ his genre and generation. Tupac and BIGGIE haven’t gotten that time in so they don’t get a crown. I’ve already discussed that issue so it’s dead just like they are.

I have an open mind about the future at times, but most of the time I am pessimistic about it. I’m pessimistic about life: my wife will cheat on me and me probably on her; a divorce is possible if I get married; I may not make it in music; I may not get anywhere in this accounting career of mine neither; I don’t see a prosperous future with minor or major riches. I don’t know man I don’t know, but I’ma KIM (Keep It Movin) That I all any man can do. KEEP IT MOVIN!

Jrnl Entry 9.13.2000 “MY HIP HIP STORY” PART VIII

Yeah, I live in New York now and have been here for a year. That feeling I used to have when I’d visit of walking around blending in as a New Yorker with Timberlands on and baggy jeans caused me to move here. I am finally here now, and it’s not feeling good at all. My plan was to move here, find me a couple of women to chill with, and make moves in the music industry. What actually happened when I got here was that I wasn’t able to meet any women, none! I thought I could maybe meet people out shopping or something, in a nice lounge bar, but it’s not like that here. Come to think about it, I don’t think it’s like that anywhere. When I was going out in Cleveland, I never picked up any women. I guess women don’t talk to you if they don’t know you or know of you, or someone that they know knows you. “I know I look good so it couldn’t be my looks.” (Ed O.G.) When Ed O.G. made that song “Gotta Have Money To Make It Witt The Ladies In The 90’s” He was telling the truth for the 90’s and beyond because it’s year 2000 and the same applies. If you don’t have a fly ride or are not a celebrity in New York and don’t know nobody, you are doomed.

I’m here trying to accomplish my dream of getting into Hip Hop, but with no women and no friends, it’s getting hard. I’ve talked to at least 100 girls in the last year, more than I’ve probably ever talked to in life, and didn’t strike anything with any of them. I talked to about 5 over the phone and nothing became of them. It’s ridiculous that there are millions of people walking around in this city and you can’t talk to anyone, at least not on a meeting and get to know on a relationship level. New York has some of the finest women of all races walking around, but you go and speak to them and it’s like “why are you saying something to me?” Even if you are polite, you still get dissed. Right now as I am writing this, I am depressed and don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t even like being outside in the city. I feel like it’s just me here and the rest of the outside world I’m seeing through a sound proof glass.

I went out last weekend with Burton who came to New York from Ohio. I talked to a really nice young lady by the name of Michelle at the Club Two Eyes We exchanged numbers and she gave me the wrong number. I talked to about four other girls that night and gave them my number and no one has called. Women here don’t give out their phone number like I can get to em’ and kill em’ through the phone. I told Michelle, if after calling a couple times and I see that you are not interested, I will not call anymore because I don’t have time for that. I told her I was a mature young man looking for a mature young lady, out of college or stable in her life. She told me she was in graduate school. I asked if we could get to know each other? She said yeah and we exchanged numbers. I called her Sunday night, and she gave me the wrong number. It just gets me down that I can introduce myself to a woman that I like, talk to her for a moment, and then she gives me the wrong number. I’m at the point now where I’m telling myself that I will not introduce myself to anymore women in this city.

I haven’t made any connections in the Hip Hop world neither. I ‘m kind of confused as to what type of Hip Hop I should be making. Underground artist such as Mos Def and Slum Village, who both have dope albums, they don’t sell. I want this music to be my living, and a good living. How am I supposed to live producing songs on albums that don’t sell to provide me with that living? The tracks being produced out on the mainstream, I don’t like half of them. I just try and make funky music. It must not be funky enough because out of like 25 tapes that I’ve submitted in person to rappers such as Raekwon of the Wu-Tang Clan, Talib Kweli of Black Starr and Reflection Eternal, and Rampage of the Flip Mode Squad, I have gotten no calls. I gave a tape to Black Rob’s brother and he gave me no call. I gave a tape to this kid named Poo Cabroxi, he called me and wanted two tracks on the tape. After I gave him the two tracks on a separate tape, he never called me again. He was telling me that I was gonna be recordin’ the songs in Daddy’s House Studios because his boy who wanted the songs was signed to Bad Boy Entertainment.

I sent a tape to my cousin who used to work for Motown. She is in Atlanta now. She didn’t respond. I cursed her out for not responding to me to tell me anything. She talked to me like she was some big A&R, not my cousin. She said since I cursed her out, she cannot help me. And she was working in the same office building as the Organized Noise producers who produced Outkast. She never introduced me to no one, so I said fuck her. I also know a guy who is down with DJ Clue. He is one of my good friend’s cousin by the name of Windexter. He was on the inside cover of Clue’s first mix tape on a major label. He grew up with Clue’s manager Richie. Every time I call this guy, he is never home. Or when I do talk to him, he never seems to have time to hang out, not even as a friend, which was my initial plan anyway because I thought he was a cool cat. I asked him to introduce me to Richie one time. He told me to call him one Saturday so he could listen to my tape, but he wasn’t home when I called. I even told him that if I get paid, I’d pay him, but he still hasn’t responded to me.

So I’m just here and I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do with my life. I’m not gonna quit yet. I’m just feeling really down. So what started out as a bud in 84/85 lead me here to New York City feeling kind of depressed in the year 2000. I expected the rejection in the music industry, but the rejection from these women, I didn’t expect, and I am not handling it so well. But hopefully with time things will get better. I feel I want this music Hip Hop dream so bad, that I’m willing to go through all this because anywhere else I’ll have nothing to chase but a corporate ladder, which I don’t feel like chasing right now. I have a feeling that chasing that ladder will probably take me further in life than this Hip Hop dream, but what can I say. I want Hip Hop to be my life, not accounting in a corporation and definitely not in an accounting firm. It’s providing me with a means to live, but it’s not in my heart, HIP HOP IS!

Jrnl Entry No. 2.23.2000

So I goes to Justin’s last night. I didn’t have any trouble getting in or nothing like that. I walked in and walked to the bar and ordered a Guiness Stout at $7 a bottle. They were playing D’angelo’s new album “VooDoo.” I was just standing around peeping the scene for a while. I seen this girl who looked like an enterprising young lady. She had on a business suit with a nice pair of shoes in my book. “I like a woman who spend a little cash for her shoes..” (Jay Z “What girls/guy like”) She had long hair or long weave, whatever the case it looked nice. She was skinny from what I could tell so I wasn’t lusting after her. She just looked like somebody who knew somebody who could probably help me break into the Hip Hop Music production arena. She was talking with different people every time I saw her. This one guy came up to her and her friends and he never left, and he was talking to her mainly. After a while I left or just stopped looking at them.

I was standing on the beam in the middle of the floor and I seen this beautiful girl. She reminded me of Lynette Treason from college. She had that dark brown complexion, she was slim from what I could tell on her figure, and she opened up her coat so I could tell she had a little body. After standing there for a few minutes wondering how should I approach her, I finally says, “fuck it,” and I goes over to her. I was staring at her and she gave me a couple of glances back. I went over to her and asked my usual polite, “how you doin’?’ She started smiling so I figured it was on. I started smiling back, but then after I started smiling she said “I’m here with someone.” I said O.K. and left and went and stood back where I was.

Oh did I mention that when I walked in the place Black Rob was one of the first faces I saw. He was drinking a bottle of something. He didn’t seem to have a friendly face so I didn’t start talking to him. I just stood there by him for a while. At one point I did say to him “how you feeling tonight god?” He had his attention focused on the coat check lady, and I guess he didn’t hear me. I didn’t attempt to speak again. I walked across the room a couple of times but I didn’t feel comfortable on that side with really nowhere to stand so I returned back to my beam by the bar.

I was just standing there trying to see if there was anyone I was interested in talking to. There was this one woman or young lady. She was light skinned, short, nice ass that I liked. She looked mature which is what I am looking for. I thought about talking to her, but she was talking to some older men. It wasn’t really buggin’ me to go and say something to her anyway, so I let that go. After two beers, I went back over to the other side. I heard this guy spittin’ rhymes to this other guy. I figured I’d camp out and wait for him to finish talking to the dude, and I would then talk to the rapper, and I would catch the other guy later and talk to him also to ask him who he was that this guy was rhyming to him. They were takin’ too long so while I was standing there, I noticed this fine honey standing over on the wall with space enough for me to go and holla at her.

I waited a few for these guys to stop talking. Then I saw the honey walk across the room in my direction so I was scopin’ her. When she returned to the wall, I seen a guy who was standing a few feet away from her on the same wall looking at her, but he didn’t say nothing to her. So then I walks over and ask him, “why ain’t you talking to this honey standing right directly next to you?” He says something like he was waiting for me to do it, so I said hey, and stepped over there. I said my usual “how you doin” and what not. It was a pretty dry introduction, but sometimes those are the ones that land you into some pussy. I asked her name and she told me and didn’t say anything else. So I just stood there for a moment and then I started kickin’ it to her about Tuesday nights at Justin’s. She took the conversation over from there telling me that there used to be a DJ but Puff didn’t have a cabaret license for that so couldn’t have a DJ.

After her infomercial about the restaurant, I started asking her the usual questions: age, occupation, residence, etc. She said that she worked and lived with her parents, but her real interest lye in starting up a Women’s Sports Magazine. I thought that was interesting. That is what I like about N.Y. is that I run into people who want to enterprise and start something of their own. I don’t want to start shit, but just work for them when they get their shit. I told her that I wanted to be a Hip Hop producer and asked her advice on how I should go about doing that. She just told me to start talking to people like in the restaurant because you never know who was in there. I asked her if she thought it would be a good idea to talk to people who already made it who were in there like Black Rob and Little Cease. She said that was a good idea. She made me feel good and confident to talk to someone. She was about to leave so I asked her since I had seen this ring on her finger, “friendship ring” she says. I asked her did she need another friend, and she said no. And come to find out, her twin sister was sitting right next to her. I told her that since she didn’t want to talk to me to tell her sister what a nice guy I was, and tell her to talk to me. I mean they were twins, same everything; what would I be missing if I talked to her sister? I was joking of course and she started laughing. While talking to her I spotted this bangin young lady. She had on one of them colorful knit skirts that I like, and it was knee length. She had a feathered like short haircut, ass was busting out the back of the skirt, and she had on some leather boots that came above her cav, below the knee. She had a cute little face.

So after the twins leave, this girl and her friend were standing right in front of me and the girl I liked was writing something down. So me, feeling the alcohol, I started like peeping over to see what she was writing. The first time I did it she didn’t get bitchy or nothing so I did it again. She looked at me and looked at her friend and laughed, and then her friend put her hand up in Martin “Dis” fashion, and put it in my face, touching my face. I figured they were safe to talk to once this guy they were talking to left. He didn’t leave soon enough, so I went over by the door where Little Cease and his entourage were standing trying to get up the nerve to say something to him. At one point I reached over and gave him a pound and said whats up. He was constantly talking to his man though so I couldn’t break and talk to him.

Meanwhile I spot the guy who was rhyming earlier. I walks up to him and start telling him that I heard him rhyming to the guy earlier, and told him I was a producer trying to break into the industry, and asked if he needed some beats. He started talking to me and asked for my number. I handed him a tape. He told me his name was Camilion. He said he’d give my tape a listen and he would definitely give me a call. He spit some shit in my ear to the Tribe ”Stressed Out”  beat that was playing. I was feelin’ him a whole lot better than I am feeling Ricardo. He sounded nice and had skills with his words like an MC supposed to. After I talked to him I was definitely ready to shout at Little Cease, but just as I was looking over there, he was headed for the door. I walked to the back one more time and then left.

When I get outside I notice that the side of the street where I had parked my car was all clear. There was nothing over there but a garbage truck. My car had been towed. When I first pulled up, I pulled behind another car so I assumed it was safe to park over there. I starts walking up the street to read a sign which would tell the violation I committed for my car to be towed. At the corner of the street I see a sign that says, “Night Regulation: No Parking from 11 P.M to 6 A.M.” Where my car was parked I didn’t see any such sign, and I didn’t worry about it because usually all the signs say that you can’t park from 7A.M. to 7P.M. So from there I goes to a pay phone and calls the operator, and asks her for a number to call to get my car back. The operator had no clue and told me to call information. I called information and they gave me a number to call. I called the number and it said to call back during opening hours 8A.M. to 7P.M.

From there I walked down the street to catch the train. It’s a good thing I learned to ride the subway and learned how to read a subway map. If you ever come to N.Y. to stay or for a few weeks, you must learn the subway system if nothing else. With some simple instructions from a friend and a little experience of taking the wrong trains a couple of times, you’ll be a pro in no time. It’s a pretty basic system to learn. About two blocks away was the subway station with the train that I could take all the way to my neighborhood in Queens. I goes down the stairs and the attendant tells me that the train is only running to Brooklyn from that stop and not in the opposite direction to Queens. I didn’t panic, I just walked a couple more blocks to another station, but that station was closed. From there I figured I better walk all the way down about 12 blocks to the 34th street station at Herold Square. 34th street is a major stop, and the train had to be running from there. I asked the attendant was it. She said it was but you had to go down on the Brooklyn side to catch both trains: the one to Brooklyn and the one to Queens.

I catches the train home. I got home at three O’clock and went to bed. I had to get up at six to walk to the train station or catch the bus to the train station. I was prepared to walk, but when I walked outside my apartment, the bus was right there waiting to get on schedule so I hopped on it. I got on my beautiful N Train to go to work. I was gonna transfer to the G Train at Queensboro Plaza but I decided to stay on the N which was going to the same place, but I thought the G would have been faster. I got off the train at 7:30 A.M. as close to my job as the train would take me. My job is out on the water by the Brooklyn Bridge on the pier “pier 3”. I started walking and got to work at 7:50 A.M. My beautiful N Train is what I call it because it takes you to all the main points in the city: Times Square, 34th St, the Village, my job and home.

After sleeping all day at work, I took the train to Time Square and walked to go and get my car. It cost $150 to get out. I got it and went home. If I ever meet Puff, and we have some kind of relationship, I’ll tell him reimburse me for my expenses that night:$21 I spent on beers that night; $150 it took me to get my car; $55 for the ticket I had to pay; $7.50 for the train and bus fair to get home that night and to work the next day, and the $35 I spent on dinner when I went to eat at his restaurant when I was first moving and spending a lot of money. On a normal day, I would never spend $35 on dinner for one, not at this point in time in my finances

IF YOU’VE EVER MOVED TO A NEW CITY, WHAT ADJUSTMENTS: SOCIAL, TRANSPORTATION, DRESS CODE, YOU NOTICED WERE DIFFERENT THAN YOUR ORIGINAL PLACE OF ORIGIN?