@BLK_PEEPSTOP No. I

black people, what i’m about? I would like 4 u 2 realize how no 1 really likes us how we do not support each other how undereducated we r

black people u may think i’m promoting a race war, gross prejudice, etc. no, go about it n the same stealth manor as they do, with a smile.

Reading this book, you may think, “this guy is a self-hating race trader.” When in all actuality, I love my race so much, I’ve looked around and analyzed what goes on in our community or “hoods” as we like to call them. First observation, yes, we have been subject to racism and preclusion from opportunity. Second observation, yes, we have allowed ourselves to be beat down, seemingly without a fight, without much organization; NOT ACCEPTABLE! We seem to have settled for the table scraps we have been given by the government and programs of racial equality which came along with the Civil Right Movement; acquiesced and ceded all power and control of our lives: social, economic and yes political to other races of people: Irish, Italian, Jewish, WASP etc.

We seem to take each other for granted. We take each other’s education for granted – As of 2017, I was told that an African woman CEO from Kenya, hesitated in hiring me for a Controller role, paying $90,000 because I was Black American, and truth be told, I swear I saw her stop in her tracks and regroup herself once she saw me through the glass window of the conference room where we held our face to face interview.

We take getting an education for granted. We take hard, long farmer’s-hours (5AM – 9PM NOT 9AM TO 5PM) work ethic for granted. All of the things we take for granted are things that have gotten other races, which were pariahs in America, respect in many different areas of life and economic industries in which they prosper in this nation.

Do I hate Black America people, NO! I just wish we would realize that we could be a better people and make our future history in this country so much greater and richer with the use of civilized manors, education, articulation of the English language and self-appreciation of all the talents we do and can possess, not just football, basketball, singing, dancing and acting; which we do not have full and total control of these talents we seem to be so great at.

For, it seems to me that every other outside culture to these United State of America has complete or majority economic, political and inter-working control of an industry or a few industries: Jews (media, film, real estate), Irish (fire and police departments), Italians (mob, construction and unions), Arabs (corner stores in the hood). These people have complete and total control over these industries with very little interference and questions regarding their operations practices. Black American people make music, but Clive Davis and Jimmy Iovine controls/controlled the industry. Black American people play basketball, but David Stern (who has retired and now bequeath his position to one of his brothers of Jewish ethnicity, Adam Silver) is the commissioner interpreting rules and regulations and there has been one maybe two (Bob Johnson of BET and Michael Jordan), majority control Black American owners, of any NBA franchise.

Black American people have been freed from slavery much longer than Jewish people have suffered from the Holocaust and racial discrimination in Germany and in America. How is it that Black American people have been held down by racism and preclusion from opportunity for such a long stint of time? Even in this day and age when Jim Crow is over, we have a great number of persons within a generation who have graduated from college; many Black American people are on a tract and/or have already started their own successful companies. My question or longing to know, is, when do we start to replicate success, entrepreneurship and long standing company enterprises and legacy building as a culture; not necessarily racism, but rather racial nepotism, because a rich White American billionaire may invite you into their home as a friend, but may not invite you into the board room as a participating decision making board member and/or share secrets to his/her success, or even much less, give you a decent gainful employment job (the kind that allows you to save and buy a nice home, drive a decent car, save for your children’s college education and your retirement), but they’ll train their son or daughter or even the sons and daughters of their White American friends into a management level employee, COO, CFO or successor CEO. Of course, no one admits this or says it out loud, it just is, and as it seems, FOREVER WILL BE!

Jrnl Entry No. 4.19.2001 “Rufus Blaq”

Sunday April 15, 2001 coming home from Hezikiah Walker’s church in East New York Brooklyn, I got off the A train at Nostrand Ave. I got off the train in pursuit of this female that was giving me a little eye contact on the train. She was completely not my type but at this point in time with no girlfriend, no sex, no nothing, I figured I’d lift myself up and go for it regardless of the fact. See, she got on the train with three kids. She was thick/fat with some big ole tidies. She started saying to the kids as she noticed me glancing at her, “y’all ready to go home and see mommy huh?” I took it as she was giving me the hint that these weren’t her kids, which if that was what she was doing, it was a good hint. At this point in my life, I don’t care how horny I am or how fine you look, if you got more than one kid, you gets no holla from me.

But anyway, I get off the train and follow her, but I decided not to talk to her. I’ve never been around Nostrand Ave and Fulton before and I noticed that it was like the old 125th st in Harlem that my friends and I used to visit from Ohio. So I goes looking around for a little bit. After about 10 minutes of walking around I stopped at a store before I was getting ready to catch the train to go home. As I get in line at the store, I see this guy who looked familiar to me. I hesitated a little, and then I shouted out “Rufus.” It was Rufus Moore AKA Rufus Blaq.

Now this kid from Youngstown, Ohio I met years ago when he and his dance crew “Eazy Access” used to perform at local talents shows in Warren. They could never compete because they were like professionals and everybody loved them. And when my fraternity used to throw parties on the college campus in Youngstown, he and his crew would always be there. I’d always big-up (sat whats up to) Rufus and the crew and they’d do the same in return. Rufus was also cool with Derrick “Dink” Trimble (R.I.P.), my frat brother. They kind of resembled each other and Rufus would say that Dink was his brother.

Now I remember at one party Rufus was coming in with his crew and they stopped to talk with me and some of my Frat brothers. Rufus said that he was about to move to Atlanta “to become famous.” Those were his exact words. I didn’t exactly know what he had planned on doing because I only knew him as a dancer. So I kind of thought he was gonna try to become a dancer/choreographer for videos and tour shows. So anyway, he disappeared and the crew told us that he moved to Atlanta. About a year later, I saw him at this after hours hang out spot in Youngstown on Market Street. He got on the microphone on top of the bar and he free-styled a nice rhyme for the crowd. He told me that he had written a song for Erick Sermon on some sound track. I think he also told me at that time that he had a record deal with Giant Records. I was like “cool.”

He went away again and about a year later, I seen him on a video with Pudgy The Fat Bastard and Young Zee doing a remix for the group “SOLO” and their song “I Got Heaven Right Here On Earth.” I thought to myself that his album should be following shortly. I had also heard a DJ CLUE mixtape with this LOX song on it, and the last verse, this cat sounded like Rufus. I could never talk to anyone who knew him and what he was doing so I couldn’t verify that it was him. He had made it into the Hip Hop record business. I was happy, never one to hate on anyone for accomplishing something. In fact I was also glad because I knew him and could probably talk to him about the music business since I had been interest in it also.

His album never came out on Giant Records. I thought he was coming out on So So Def Records because there was an ad in the source with all the So So Def artist listed, and one of the artist on there was Mr. Black. That was the name I heard Rufus call himself on the intro of the “I Got Heaven Right Here On Earth” song video, and since he had moved to Atlanta, it made perfect sense. About a year later, I saw him in Warren at this talent show after party at the Regency Hotel. I wanted to talk to him and get his number and ask him some questions about the business but it was in a loud party so we chatted about whatever. By this time I had discovered that the So So Def artist was not him and I asked him how is that gonna work in the business with both of them having the same name. He told me whoever comes out first or whoever rocks the hardest will be Mr. Black. I also asked him about the LOX song and I recited this lyric of his, “Is you doin the stickin or is you gettin’ stuck / Is you doin’ the fuckin’ or is you gettin’ fucked.” He told me that it was him. He gave me his number in Columbus, Ohio where he was staying at the time. I tried to call him a couple of times. I think I talked to him once.

About two years later after that, I gets a call on my voice-mail service at my moms house and it’s him tellin’ me that he was gonna be on the Vibe Show that night with Salt & Pepa. I don’t know if he was just happy and called everyone he knew or was I special somehow? So I watched and taped the show and he was on there with Salt & Pepa and he had a verse on their new song “Are You Ready”.  A couple weeks later, I seen the video and he was in it. About three/four months after that I heard a song on the radio by Salt & Pepa called “Gitty Up´ and he was on it at the beginning of the song. I knew it was him. I knew his voice. And then I saw the video for it and he was in it. He was on, and I all I wondered to myself was HOW? How did he do this, get with the leading super star ladies in rap, legends, Salt & Pepa?

After about a year after that Salt & Pepa debut of his, he had a single out called “Out of Sight.” I saw the video for it. I liked the song. It had a catchy hook to it. It wasn’t exactly hard core Hip Hop like I hoped it to be but hey, that is the way the music industry was moving in that time, away from hard core which didn’t sell that well, to the mainstream trying to sell platinum. At initial listen, I didn’t like the album. For one it had like three remake beats on it, and I hate remake beats especially the kind that they were using at that time. The greatest of all time remake beat, ever in Hip Hop was The Isley Brothers “Between The Sheets.” For two, he wasn’t flexin’ skill like I knew he could because I’d seen him rap before. And what was on his album was not what I expected from him. I just listened to the album the other day, which was called “Credentials”. All except for those remake songs, I liked it. He had a few hard core beats on there but he wasn’t flippin the skill like I’d known him to do. Maybe his producer Chad Elliot was against it.

So now, I ran into Rufus in the store and he gave me his numbers. Prior to running into him in the store I had asked for his number from one of my frat brother’s producers Pace Maker. He wouldn’t give me Rufus’s number, which I understood. He told me that he had to check with Rufus first. It’s been a year and he still hasn’t been able to check with Rufus about me getting his number. Technically, he didn’t know if I knew Rufus or not, and it seems as if he was not trying to find out either.

Now I’ve spoken with Pace Maker on many occasions about Hip Hop, about my beats, about his beats, and about my Frat Brother Stephen “The Fat Rapper” Collins’ Hip Hop career. I met Pace once in the studio in Ohio when they were recording one of The Phat Rapper’s songs. I thought him to be a cool cat and I liked him. We (him, me and Stephen) went out to eat after we left the studio that one night. I sent Pace some of my beats to get some critique on them and he did the same. He didn’t like but two or three of the thirty song snippets I sent him. I liked about six of the fifteen/twenty snippets he sent me. I think he is a talented producer, who if I had an album coming out, I’d rock to one of his tracks. I’ve written lyrics to two snippets on the tape he sent me. Outside of Stephen not letting me produce a song for him, and Pace not wanting me to produce a song for Stephen neither, I thought we had a pretty cool connection; until I ran into Rufus that is.

Rufus told me that Pace was in New York recording a song that he produced for Angie Stone through Rufus’s hook-up. Now if this is true, Pace came to New York and didn’t try in no kind of way to get in touch with me so that I could kick it with him and Rufus. And just before I bumped into Rufus, I had e-mailed Pace to talk to him since I hadn’t e-mailed him in a while. He said he hadn’t talked to Rufus in a while, that Rufus was a busy man and he still hadn’t asked Rufus if he could give me his numbers or give Rufus mine. So finding out he came to town and didn’t even try to holla at me tells me that we do not have a cool connection. It also led me to think that Pace is trying to keep me away from Rufus because he knows Rufus is well connected in the music industry and wants to keep all the hook ups for himself as a producer and not let me get any hook ups through Rufus. So until I find out different, I ain’t fuckin with Pace no more. And I ain’t tellin him that I finally got in touch with Rufus. My last test to find if Pace was really here is to ask Rufus Manager was he here. She’s straight up and will straight tell me. I asked both her and her boyfriend who was also Rufus manager and they confirmed that Pace had indeed been to town; a snake fake mutha fucka who doesn’t want you around because that may lessen an opportunity for him in the future; crab in a barrel ass nigga.

So, I gets in touch with Rufus and what is Rufus doing at this time? He’s writing R&B songs for this production company to submit to labels, mainly J Records, which has a little (well A LOT) to do with Clive Davis after he got let go from Arista Records. I called Rufus about three or four days after I had his number and left a message on his voice mails telling him how lonely I was and needed some friends, some women, etc. He calls me later that night around 11 P.M. while I was working on a Hip Hop track and he tells me to come to this studio.

I get there at 245 Canal St b/n Centre and Layfayette. He plays me this song he wrote called “Blowin’ It.” It was a nice song and he had a rap verse on it. He played a few more songs for me and they sounded nice also. Rufus told me that’s all he does is write songs by day, record them by night in the studio. He tells me about the production company, Ark Angel Productions and the camp there of rappers and singers that he’s bringin’ in. He listened to a few of my beats and said that I could produce a few songs for his artist, “Stack”. He heard a lot of weak stuff though because at this time I was tired with music and wasn’t making much and I wasn’t carrying around beat tapes anymore. Like the previous year, I wouldn’t leave the house without a tape in my hand.

Rufus said that I could be a part of the family because I was his friend who showed him love way before he was an artist on any label or signed to any production company and because he has mad love for my Frat Bro. Derrick “Dink” Trimble (R.I.P.). Being in the frat will help in the short or long term. If I hadn’t joined the frat, Dink wouldn’t be my frat bro. I wouldn’t have been able to talk and poly with Rufus before the parties started. He never would have looked up to me, which I think he did because I was an Alpha and a college student; thus, he probably wouldn’t have been and wouldn’t be accepting me as someone trying to be his friend, and trying to slowly get him to get me into this music game with him.

Rufus was like the best dancer in the group I recall. Kehl was also the man, and Ferino did weird shit on the dance floor. I liked them all because they were little somebodies. Like I said before, I’d always try to be cool and surround myself with people who had a quality about themselves. Rufus and Eazy Access had that quality. Rufus has, as far as I can tell, accepted me as his friend and into his music family. I’m goin’ over to his apartment today after work.

Rufus has projects goin’ for Angie Stone’s new album; Blaque’s new album; Salt’s new album; and Olivia, who’s signed to J Records, her debut album. He had the girl who sang the hook on the QB “Ooochi Wally” song, in the studio, and they banged out a nice song together. He writes these R&B songs with that hype-ness and energy that he used to put into his freestyle rhymes that I expected to be on his “Credentials” album. He’s definitely goin’ places with this music and will be plenty paid through a publishing deal very soon if not sooner. I told him the music money doesn’t matter to me. I don’t want your money, and I won’t pressure you to put me on in this music game. I love being around the music and I’m thankful just to be able to come to the studio and watch niggaz work on new songs. I told him that I was happy for him and will never hate or be jealous of him because of what he has that I don’t have. Rufus is a very down to earth artist and I hope our friendship can grow stronger and more personal and musically as well. Whether he knows it or not, I admire him for jumping from Youngstown, Ohio down to Atlanta, back up to New York and actually made it somewhere in this music maze. He’s already done what I’ve set out to do by leaving Warren, Ohio to be here in New York. I also, just as I always have, admire his talent. I’m not religious so I can’t say that it was divine intervention that I bumped into him and I think he’s a good friend to have. He’ s currently being faithful to his girlfriend of three years, Aiesha, not to say he ever cheated on her because I don’t know that. They just had a daughter, and Aiesha is still bangin’ as far as looks and body go. He believes in God and just wants a happy life with is family and music. Through my wishes, may he be blessed with all he’s been working for all these years and more because I want every black man to succeed in whatever it is he wants to succeed in, and I would hope that every black man would want the same for me.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FRIEND OR ASSOCIATE THAT MADE IT INTO SHOW BIZ?

Jrnl Entry No. 7.27.2001

Well what is there in my life right now? I have put the smack down on Watrina and let her know that if she really likes me, she better quit with this “just friends” shit, and stop talkin’ to other niggaz on her cell phone while I am right there with her.

I just completed my resume cover letter to send out to some record companies. I’m trying to get a job at J-Records, Clive Davis’s company. This guy Clive is going crazy. He has like five acts out, all R&B, at the same time and they are all doing well: O-Town is platinum, Jimmy Cozier who has a hot song on the radio. Busta Rhymes Flip Mode Entertainment is gonna be distributed by J-Records. Now with all this activity going on, they need accountants hopefully, and I want in. I think that job would be the answer to some of my problems right now, or a job at a label that I am familiar with and know a little something about that has a Hip Hop and R&B department.

My job just frustrates me more and more each day. I have been given the warning that if my performance doesn’t improve, I’ll be fired. I think they are gonna end up firing me because I have no interest in this place and building materials. The people here are not people I can relate to: Italians, a gay guy, a Hindu Indian, another gay guy who tries to talk like he understands black language to a certain degree, a Jewish man, an Irish man, and a Spanish Columbian girl. I don’t give a fuck about communicating with none of these muthafuckaz. And as I’ve written, we pretty much don’t communicate, don’t even speak.  

My daughter went on strike talking to me for like a week and a half. She wouldn’t talk on the phone to me twice when I called. I called like three times the next week and she wasn’t there over her grandmother and grandfather’s house because I suppose she and her mother have been spending time at their new house as Janelle calls it. Victoria called me and let Janelle talk. I asked her for her phone number and address since it was becoming apparent that she just wasn’t forking over the information without me asking for it. She said, “you’ll get it.” I’m like can I have it now? So she gave me the phone number. That’s all I need for right now because I ain’t got nothing to send her in the mail. I don’t know what the hell Victoria thinks I want from her. My daughter sounds older and older each time I talk to her. It’s a joyful noise when I get her on the phone. I love it and I try to keep her talking to me as long as possible asking her questions, and her only answer is, “I don’t know.”

I told Watrina that I don’t plan on having any more kids. She asked me, “If you and I were to get married, you wouldn’t want to have a kid with me?’ I told her that I can’t afford it financially or emotionally, another split up with a child of mine. Things go bad, it’s all fucked up and I ain’t takin’ another chance with another kid, of me and the mother not ending up together. I think personally that a lot of women have kids for all the wrong reasons; some even have kids by a well-to-do gentleman just to get a child support check. It will never happen to me again. NEVER!

I just got off the phone with Watrina. She wants to come and see me when I get home from work. I told her that I didn’t want to see her with red hair that she got put in her head to go to Jamaica. I told her I don’t like weave. I don’t like weave. I will not approach a woman with weave in her hair. I cannot see myself falling in love with a woman who does not have her natural hair unless I compromise, or it looks really natural. And even still, I will crack on it till the end of time. You can’t run your fingers through that shit or rub it, nothing. I’m about to stop telling people that Watrina is my girl and just refer to her as “this bitch I’m fuckin’ with”; because we really ain’t got too much serious going on at least not on her part. She likes me but she ain’t thinkin’ on the level I’m on right now about relationships. She’s a nice girl, but she ain’t lookin’ for what I want so whatever is gonna be with us will just be.

My life is a big ass question right now. Will I find my wife? Will I get on in this music game? Will I stay in New York for much longer? Will I find a job that I’ll take serious and excel at, particularly at a record label? Watrina mentioned to me that she doesn’t understand how people say that they are searching for a wife or husband, you just meet that person. I started to explain to her that she was that person to have: intelligence, security, stable, good looks (maybe), good sex (maybe), etc. You search for a person who has as many of those qualities as possible. Or you want a person who just comes into your life on a humbug and you get into a relationship with them, to have those qualities. If a person doesn’t have the qualities that you want in a mate, you two are not gonna make it.

As to the question of how much longer will I stay in New York, I don’t know. I’m thinking of making a career change to Jr. High School math teacher. I think I would like to do something like that, but I don’t know if I’m gonna stay in New York permanently because you can’t make it here unless you are rich or very well paid. It seems as if I will not get very well paid as an accountant. And everybody says that teachers are underpaid, but yet when I was in school, they all drove new cars. New York is the pits: expensive, unsociable, crowded. Those three things make this not a very nice place to be trying to make a living in. I’m just barely surviving right now here.

Watrina has an idea to start a denim manufacturing company. I told her I’d try and help her collect information and help in any way I can. Hopefully she’s serious and we really do this. That could be my ticket to financial freedom. Financial freedom only comes through working independently for yourself.; working for someone else if that someone is a friend of yours or they just like your work ethic will also get you somewhere. But for the most part, working for someone else, you’ll be working hard and getting really no recognition for your work. I just thought of an idea to start a Hip Hop and R&B Distribution company. I wonder what would it take to get that off the ground. This thought is only coming as a result of Watrina’s idea to start a clothing manufacturing company. She’s in the fashion industry and I love the music industry that I just can’t seem to get a piece of. It is right here in my face, but I can’t grab a hold to it and pull myself in, and it seems as if no one else wants to pull me in neither.

I still got Windexter on my mind. He is friends with DJ Clue’s manager and the A&Rs who will be working out of Desert Strom Records. I’m about to sell my soul to get into this music business. I came up with the idea just to break the ice that I should sell my tracks for $5,000 off the books for a track on an album that sells platinum at a royalty rate of $.05; that is cheating myself out of $45,000. But no one is gonna pay a no name, no hit Hip Hop producer $50,000 so I got to do what I got to do to get in this game.

There is this BET/BILLBOARD Hip Hop & R&Bsummit at the Hilton Hotel on the 6th Ave Aug 28 – Aug 30 2001. It cost $500 for registration so I won’t be registering to get in to attend any events. I’ll probably just go and hang outside. I know madd kids is gonna be out there rapping and shit. Maybe I’ll pick up an artist that I can work with to rhyme over my songs that I’ve produced. I’m working on this banging joint right now. It was initially supposed to be called the Harlem Shake, but it’s too slow to be a Harlem Shake dance song. I need Tilly to play toms over it for me. It’s gonna come out dope, just another song to put in my vault for nobody to listen to. Maybe one day I’ll stop but no time soon, and then again, maybe I’ll never stop. I’ll just continue to make songs all my life just as something to do in my spare time even if I never get on as a producer.

Me and Watrina are supposed to starting working out in the morning at the track in Astoria Park over by where we live. I really didn’t want to do this because I have to be up at 6 A.M. running around a track and doing push-ups and sit-ups and shit. But then I thought it would be a great way for us to expand our relationship and get closer by spending more time together. My frat brother Mortier Maison said he went and worked out with his wife the morning after he met her and they ended up married. So I figured I’d give it a try. Watrina is falling for me more and more each day I think. But then again, this is New York and bitches and niggaz got games for ya ass. So where as I think she is being sincere, she could just be spending time with me for something to do and not really liking me at all, just a fling. In my case, I like her so I’m just flowing with the flow. You know I love my damn self so if she flakes out on me, I’ll be alright regardless.

But sometimes I wonder am I a fool. It seems as if I have been trying to get a woman and make her mine for me to marry in the future ever since I was about 23 years old. There was Lauren whom I thought I loved and wanted to try and spend the rest of my life with. Then there was Victoria who ended up pregnant and I was thinking maybe she could be the one. Then there was Sausha who was very nice and I loved her the most, more than the two up above. She was just behind me as far as life goes; no gainful employment skills, no college education. She wasn’t willing to follow me along to NY to try and live my dream partly because she couldn’t and maybe also partly because she didn’t want to, and maybe partly on my part not wanting her to also. Now I have Watrina whom I think is very nice, considerate, doesn’t seem to be a dumb materialistic girl like a lot of NY black people are. I am thinking that we could last awhile. I seem to think this about these women, but two years later it seems to end for some reason or another. What is it in me that wants to have a steady woman? Why don’t I want to be a player? Maybe it’s a result of aids and the fact that I hate sex with a condom. Maybe I’m just a sucka for love.

All of life’s little questions, or rather my life questions. I ain’t got the answers. I ain’t searching for them too hard neither, or maybe I am which is why I feel depressed and down sometimes. I wish my life would all come together: money, one woman who I love and she loves me, nice house, nice care, nice investment for the future. Maybe one woman is the start to all the rest that I think will give me piece of mind I don’t know.