Jrnl Entry No. 1.21.2000

Today in New York was the first snow fall of the winter. I guess I better buy me a shovel soon because the snow plows around here come and just pile snow right up against your car parked on the street and leave your car stuck if you don’t have a shovel to dig yourself out.

I have stopped worrying about my bills so much and money that I don’t have. If need be, I’ll just get one month behind on my rent, which will probably be cool since the landlord already has the last months rent anyway.

I’m starting to get lonely in my apartment all alone with no one to talk to on the phone even to tell myself “I should be fuckin by this date.” I’ve met like about six girls and we exchanged numbers and what not but no one has called. Me and the one girl from the Bronx were talking pretty fine then all of a sudden she stopped talking to me, putting me off when I’d call her. This one girl named Nicole or Francine called me one time and we talked for like two hours, but I haven’t heard from her since. I called the number she gave me and asked for Nicole, someone said that no Nicole lived there. I’ve been calling and asking for Francine and Francine is never there according to whoever picks up the phone. I met this dance instructor, choreographer, etc and she seemed pretty cool. I seen her dance at the Kit Kat Club for the crowd by the DJ both , and I was turned on by it. I have paged her twice and she has not called me back. Maybe she is busy.

I don’t have time to be chasing hoes all over town and trying to spend whatever little time they have to spare to spend with me. If a bitch doesn’t have time to spend quality time with me then fuck her. Like with Melonie, she didn’t want to spend time alone with me and she just stopped calling me so fuck her. I ain’t doin’ nuttin wrong so I don’t know what I’m gonna do about my pussy situation. The only pussy I can get is in Ohio and maybe some in Syracuse, but fuck that shit. That is one of the reasons why I moved up here so I wouldn’t have to travel an hour or two for some pussy.

I guess it’s just meant to be that way for now. I guess bitches will come when they will come. But they better not wait too late to come because if they come when I got something like a Benz or some money in my pocket from music. I will just nut in their mouth and send them walking out of my house to catch the train or cab. I mean if hoes won’t be nice and be with me while I’m just a regular good looking guy, then why should I be nice to them when they talkin’ to me just because I look good in a Benz.

I can’t believe these pussy ass people in New York. A little snow fall which will probably only accumulate about four inches at the most, and they let us go home from work early. I mean all that up on your ass blowin’ the horn and shit in the summer time; let a little snow fall and the people are wimping up like a bunch of little bitches who just got slapped in the mouth. Today is the next day.

Last night I got a call from two young ladies that I gave my number to. I paged Latonia and she called me back. That was like my third time paging her. I wasn’t gonna call her anymore after last night. I found out from our little conversation we had that she is a Knick dancer. That is pretty cool I told her, and I told her that I liked her dancing at the club. She said it would be possible for us to meet again. She was sleepy and was about to take a nap in the dance studio where she was about to have rehearsal. She told me to call her at work today. Now Burton was like play games and don’t call her anymore until she calls me, but I’m not playin’ those games. If a hoe can’t see that I’m comin’ with the real deal holyfield, then fuck em’ they can step. That’s the game I play, “act right or act the part by yourself.” Francine also called me after I had been calling her for like three days. She’s cool and I think I may be able to work with her. I may end up liking her the most. She has that dark skin tone that I like.

Kenneth came over last night to get my key for my apartment. I guess he and his girl are going to chill there for the weekend. Now I met Kenneth and Ricardo outside of the Kit Kat Club one night when some basketball player was throwing a party. I was looking for the party earlier but I heard the wrong address on the radio. After I couldn’t find the party earlier, I went to Time Square because I wasn’t ready to go home. While out on Time Square, I sees a couple of black honeys walking down this particular street. N.Y. is just like about every other town whereas if you see a good looking black female, you better track her down because you may never see her or anyone like her for a while.

So I decides to walk down this street, and what do you know there is a great big party goin’ on at the Kit Kat Club on 43^rd St; the party I was searching for earlier. I walks up and stands by these two cool niggaz with Tims and sweats on. I say something to them after a while and I starts vibin’ with them. I picks out of their brain that the one guy was a rapper and was seriously trying to get on in the industry. I got around to tellin’ them that I was a producer and what not, and I hit them with a tape. Well, we ended up spending the rest of the night together. After we left the Kit Kat Club at about 3:30 A.M. we went and stood out in front of Club Ivy and waited for the crowd to leave. I met this shorty named Elaine that I thought I liked; turned out I didn’t, and that she wasn’t even good enough for me to fuck in my standard book. That spot is where I saw Grand Puba Maxwell hangin out by his 4.6 SE Range Rover. After we left there, I took them home and I went home.

Now I’ve been calling and talking to Ricardo on the phone, and I’ve hooked with these cats a couple of times. They seem like nice well mannered guys living with their moms and pops and just trying to make something out of they life with music or whatever. They seem trust worthy. I am trusting Kenneth with my apartment, with my T.V., my sampler. I know where they both live at. I don’t think it will be worth it for them to rob me and have to live life looking over their shoulder for me. I will kill them niggaz if they take all that I have. Maybe they think they are running a game on an Ohio Nigga who will be afraid to buck em down if shit get nignorant. I don’t think it will come to that. Them niggaz is cool. I hope all their dreams materialize so I can make some loot. I need a come up of any kind. A pay off of my car, 10 grand, or anything; just a break you know.

So since Francine and Latonia called, maybe I’ll be in some pussy within the next two weeks. Once I get some pussy, the rest of my life should just fall into place. I won’t be so bored. I can call one of my honeys over to spend the night or just to hit me off for the night and then they can go home. Then I will be energized to do other things.

I was thinking about Sausha last night. I was listening to the tape of me tearing the ass up and her making those sexy oooooooh! Michael noises, and me spanking the ass. I was thinking about going to give her some of this good dick that she said she loved so much, and to eat a little of that delicious pussy of hers. But I don’t want to lead her on, so I’ll just leave it be unless she calls me. I’ll probably bust a nut in Rebecca’s mouth tonight and then go and bust one in Lauren’s ass tomorrow night.

Yeah, I’m back to doing the same shit I was doing before with these two: fuck Rebecca during the day and fuck Lauren during the night. I wish I could just stay the hell away from both these bitches. Rebecca’s fat ass keeps on getting pregnant. I know she is not gonna have another baby because she having a hard enough time with the two she has. I shouldn’t have never started fucking with her ass again. I shouldn’t have never went and seen her. She just started sucking my dick while I was telling her that we shouldn’t be seeing each other. What can a man do when his dick is in a warm mouth; whether the mouth is a fat skinny or blind cripple and crazy bitch; he gonna submit.

I need some sex therapy or something to help me get away from these bitches. And what it is also is that when I go home, I have nothing to do, so why not go and let Rebecca suck my dick or spend the night with Lauren and bust a couple of nuts in her pussy. I would like to be messing around with Rhonda but she doesn’t have her own place.

I’ll be glad when Lauren moves to Houston. Our little relationship will die down then forever. She probably has in her head to be nice as she can possibly be, and then I will ask her to come and stay with me. Sorry baby, but those days are over. I am not feeling it like that for you anymore. I’ll probably never find me a bitch to satisfy my sexual desires; therefore, I will probably always cheat, and one day that will lead to me getting in big trouble. So I guess I won’t get married unless a woman is sucking my dick right to make me forget that Rebecca’s mouth even existed, and someone who knows how to work their ass to make me forget that Lauren existed. The Lauren part should be pretty easy, hell I forgot about her while I was with Sausha. But coming in Rebecca’s mouth will be kind of hard to forget. I may just fuck Rebecca for life. Her fat ass, she will probably find another man to abuse her. I never cared about her anymore once she started telling me how she fucked around on me. As long as I could bust a nut down her throat, in her ass, and live in her apartment, and get the sneakers and money I wanted, I was happy.

I’m about to start hittin’ up her pockets again. I’m gonna tell her that I am not makin’ it in N.Y. and need $200 to cover my bills for the month. If she gives it to me, I’ll probably try and hit her up for some cash every three months. I’ll buy me a Sean Jean valore sweat suit with that $200 to match these burgundy Tims I just got.

I really need to be spending that shit on my credit card. I’m having a hard time out here, but like I said I’m not worrying about it too much, I’m just gonna live. Whatever happens happens. I need about $400 hundred more dollars a month and I’d be straight. I probably won’t make that until the next five years. My life looks like its going to be a constant struggle to maintain. I need to stop tryin’ to keep up with the jones and stop tryin’ to look good. I mean I look good and the bitches here are still not paying any attention to me.

That is a problem with niggaz; we are always spending money on something tryin’ to get the new shit: car, gold chain, shoes, leathers. And these companies just capitalize on our asses. Like Timberland; do you think they have a white man in mind when they make a pair of yellow boots or burgundy boots and label them “Special Edition?” Them shits should say on the little tag, “Here nigga, fresh new colorful timberlands made especially just for you. Get them while supplies last.” I only bought two pair of Tims because I got like two for one. I should have passed that up, but I didn’t. I could have made do with the Tims that I have already.

This world is a bitch filled with shit that you want and desire to get all of your money. White people save money because they don’t buy into all that shit. They dress fucked up, and drive new cars and live in nice houses. We blacks want it all and we can’t seem to control ourselves from tryin’ to get it all neither. That’s us though, and we ain’t gonna change. I probably ain’t gon’ change neither. Broke as niggaz is what we are and what we will be.

Jrnl Entry No. 11.29.1999

It’s Monday after Thanksgiving day weekend. All last week Sausha was at my house in NY. I can tell by her attitude that she does not really feel N.Y. Maybe she would feel it much better if she didn’t have her kidz so we could go out and do more things together. Yeah, she brought Rykell and Heaven with her to my house.

You know what I’m discovering is that I don’t like kidz that are not my own, especially two year olds like Rykell. I can remember when Marielle was two years old. I hated her with a passion just like I hate Rykell. Two year olds just get on your nerves with their temper tantrums when they can’t get there way. They don’t do nothing you tell them to do without crying. I remember when I first started dating Sausha, Rykell had the loudest mouth I had ever heard from a child. That was when my hate for him developed. He was just like a big-headed cartoon character when he would cry. Heaven, she is cute but she does little shit that gets on my nerves also. When you tell her what to do she will do it, but right after she does it, she will reverse her action and do what you told her not to do. Shameek with his little punk ass, he didn’t want to come. I think he doesn’t like the fact that I am dating his mom and getting some of his attention so most of the time he wants to be over his aunts house. I like Shameek, but he is a little punk with the way he cries every time he can’t get his way. And he is scared to go anywhere in the house by himself. Any other time he is acting grown, but ask him to go and get some tissue, and he will be like “come on Heaven.” And if she doesn’t come he will start saying to his mom, “Heavin ain’t comin’.”

And I guess it all boils down to the fact that no one is going to love what is not there own. Sure I would look out for them and take good care of them if Sausha and I were to stay together, but when they wine and have tempers, I hate it the most and just feel like stomping them right in their chest. Shameek listens for the most part, Heaven listens three fourth the time, and Rykell listens but crys all the time. LL COOL J said that his step father used to abuse him, and he probably did it for the same reasons that I feel like abusing Sausha kidz sometimes. It is because in the presence of their mom, they don’t listen to me. Like when Rykell gets out of the bed at night and I direct him to go back to bed, he’ll go around me and go to his mom and she will tell him the same thing, and he’ll run in his room and start crying. Its like the kidz don’t pay you any attention. And they sometimes get their way unnecessarily. And I’m mostly talking about Rykell and Shameek. Like I think she should break Shameek from that scared shit and make him go upstairs by himself. He is grown when it comes to everthing else, let him grow out of that. But what can I say, nothing. I think she needs to let Rykell grow out of not wanting to share anything or everytime some one picks up a toy, he starts crying for it, and Sausha tells whoever to give him the toy. So he thinks all he has to do is cry and he will get his way. But what can I say, nothing. Now she treats Heaven like shit, and that’s why I always pay her the most attention and answer her stupid little questions whenever she asks them. It’s like the only way you get some control is when their mom is not around, and when you get that control, because you’ve been ignored for so long, you want to abuse that control.

But I probably won’t have to deal with this situation because Sausha told me yesterday that our relationship is not working, and I agree with her. Its not working for me because of her kidz, and because she is not sexy enough for me, and because she has no idea how she is going to make her life better. Well she has an idea but for that idea to become a reality, its going to be a long shot. And I was thinking of moving her and the kidz with me and ask my mom to come and be our baby sitter, but I don’t want all those people living with me. I don’t think I want Sausha living with me. She does little shit that I don’t like and there is nothing about her to make up for her mis-haps. She leaves food on her dishes in the sink instead of rinsing them out. She frys stuff sloppily getting grease all over the stove. Just little shit that bugs me, and on top of that, the kidz bug me too. That is too much bugging for me to be happy so be it. I don’t even want an explanation from her, I’m just going about my way. She’ll probably call me next weekend and want to talk, but I will have nothing to say. I am not getting back together with her. Its over.

I got this honeys number this weekend at the 89 Harding and Reserve Class Reunion. And it’s a good thing that Sausha did break up with me yesterday because she was sure to find out some way that I got this girls number. The girl whose name is Kaylah is cousins with Sheryl who has a baby by Thyrck who likes Sausha when he has no one else to like. Sheryl heard my name and she started asking me was I the one who used to go with Sausha. And she was telling me how Thyrck used to talk about me. So I know she will tell Thyrck who is in jail that I got her cousin’s number, and he somehow is going to call Sausha and tell her. But since we are broke up it doesn’t matter.

Now Kaylah is 21, a little younger than what I’m looking for, but I like her. I talked to her on the phone last night when I got back to N.Y. from Warren. She is going to Syracuse University in New York. She is funny and she is kind of fine from what I could see at the class reunion party. Of course she has her natural hair and a natural face like I like it you know. She tells me that Syracuse is only 3 hours away from Queen NYC so I’m going to go and check her out one Saturday. She says she will be graduating in June. She has her own car, a Honda Accord so she can come and check me out sometimes also. I’ll see where this goes.

I met this chick named Melonie about two weeks ago at Club Ivy. She had a cute little ass. I haven’t called her in two weeks because Sausha came home with me last week. But I’ll call her this week and tell her that I went on vacation and left her number here in N.Y. She lives by herself in N.J. and works as a quality assurance operator who listens to when people call the phone company. She talks kind of proper and sounds adult like. I’m gonna get that ass though.

She says she used to be wild but now she has settled down a bit. Yeah, we’ll see how soon I can get my dick in her mouth. She told me she was on birth control. That could be a trick to get pregnant and get child support money. I’ll probably bust a couple nuts in her ass. I don’t know. Which reminds me again. When I get some free days, I need to consult a doctor about getting my balls cut so as to not have anymore kidz. Fuck having kidz because that shit kills you in the end if things don’t work out.

I’ll work with these two girls for a while if I can. I’ll probably start calling Rhonda again and try to get a couple of good fucks out of her. I think Rhonda just wants a man with a good job so she can just work at Marshalls the rest of her life making a little money while her husband makes the majority of the doe. She is kind of lazy, and then she is not lazy. She can look beautiful when she wants to and that is why I always think about her because she looks beautiful, she really looks good to me like the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. But on some days she looks fat, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a fat bitch.

No more two or three kidz in my relationships from now on out; I’m done with that shit. Lauren had three kidz, Sausha had three kidz. I’ve learned that I don’t like it. Them bitches was stupid enough to have three kidz without a sure-fire way of taking care of them then that’s their fault. Before I used to think that kidz don’t matter but yes they do. With three kidz life is gonna be hard whether they are mine of not. Why should I suffer for someone else mistakes.

And speaking of three kidz, I wonder how Ronika feels now. After her and her sister used to talk all that shit about me dating Sausha with three kidz and Sausha living in the ghetto. Now Ronika is going around telling people that her kidz father won’t marry her, and she lives in Trumbull Holmes and he lives on Oak street, and she has his three daughters. Now she is just like Sausha. She has three kidz by one man who she is not married to. And chances are that she will not get married to him. See that is exactly why I don’t talk about or make fun of any ones bad situation because it could happen to me.

I probably would have stayed with Lauren because of that good pussy that I could just bust nuts in because her tubes were tied. I still haven’t ran into no pussy like that or someone with an ass as nice as hers. Yeah I did love Lauren’s body. If it wasn’t for the stretch marks and the little sagging tidys, she would have one of the banginest bodies ever.

My boss talked to me again about being late to work because I got here at 8:15 AM because of a traffic jam right where I was supposed to get off and come to work. I would have been on time if it hadn’t been for the little traffic jam. I see his plan though to verbally warn me about every thing he has the chance to. He’s trying to make me feel inferior so I won’t ask for that much money when its time for my review. That is exactly why I’m getting the hell out of here when I get some time off. I am not happy on this job. I need to find the company that I am interested in so that I can really start being productive. I need to find me an apartment for cheaper too so I can have some money in my pocket and maybe save a little. My shit is together but it needs to be a little more tighter. I’m gon’ make it happen though