Tag: Coming of Age in the New Millennium

Jrnl Entry No. 5.6.2004

All day I can’t find the motivation to do anything but sleep. I guess I feel depressed for not being at work, or thinking that my professional, corporate, 40 – 50 thousand dollar a year life is over, and now what? I have completely written a documentary which I would like to put into film production. I have a director in mind but I don’t know if I want to work with him, a corny white kid. But then I think, maybe a corny white kid is exactly what I need to get that shit off the ground, get some funding for it. And then again when I think about how I am being discriminated against in my search for a job, I don’t want to work with any white people period. I’ve gotten two request for telephone interviews. That shit is nothing but a way for them to try and tell by your voice if you are black or not, and once they hear that you are, they can at least say they called you, discussed your resume and decided not to give you a call back.

I tried finding part time work before. I went up and down 125th St in Harlem and handed out my resume searching for part-time work and got nothing. I applied at Eckard drug store right up the street from where I stay, and they didn’t call me back. I’ve been in the village looking for work at the Atrium and the Lounge and at the Guess store and at H&M. It seems as if no one is willing to hire a black man in New York. I guess niggaz have stolen so much from their employers that no one any longer hires us.

I figured that my accounting degree would save me from some of that discrimination in finding part-time work, but that has not been the case. They really don’t intend for niggaz to survive in New York I see. Even with a part-time job, it is not great living by any standard, and they don’t want to give a nigga that. I guess it is too crowded here and they figure if they don’t give niggaz the least of the jobs that maybe we will go away. I don’t know what to do. Watrina is complaining that she can’t buy clothing for her daughter and that she has no money. I can’t go to the studio without any money to start recording my album so that I can get this label started which I have incorporated. I need money to buy CDs to reproduce, and covers, and posters, flyers, stickers, and Vinyl press ups. I can’t make a move regarding this business unless I get a full time job making $40,000 or more and that seems nowhere in the near future.

I’m currently working on my business plan which seems to be coming out nicely written. Once I have it written, I don’t know what I’m going to do from there. I thought about presenting it to my cousin Romeo and his wife for a $5000.00 investment. But they be trying to act like they broke and I don’t 
know if they will give me the money. Once I have it fully written, I need to work on a presentation, which will take me probably a month or so. Time is running out for me. I have $45.00 to my name. If I was stupid I’d probably kill myself or start taking drugs. But I’m a so-called smart nigga, but not that smart because I don’t know what I’m going to do to get up out of this situation.

I seen Heather B of the 1st Mtv Real World in Jay Z’s club 40/40. She used to have a little rap career. I asked what I gotta do to get her to record a song for me. She gave me the brush off like I wasn’t serious,  handed me an e-mail address. I e-mailed her yesterday. I want this album to be a compilation album but I got 10 songs picked out that I can write and record myself if need be. I don’t think a bank or investors have ever given money to a Hip Hop label on the cold front. I have thoughts that maybe I can be the first to get official funding from a bank or group of investors if I present my business plan right. I don’t have an inkling of collateral , which will make money hard to come by. I don’t have prior industry 
experience to lead off of. All I got is strong determination to make my dream come true of getting into this Hip Hop shit somehow someway before I die.

In the next 10 years it is my goal to be a Hip Hop Label Mogul with millions of dollars in worth behind my name. By the time I’m –, I want to be doing it for real. In the next five years, I want to be at my peak in record sales for my label. I think that is a realistic time frame. I got about 4 and a half years from right now to make it happen, I feel so strongly that I know this Hip Hop shit like the back of my hand. No one is going to give me the opportunity to prove that so I guess I have to prove it to them as well as  myself.

I’m trying to wait this unemployment shit out, but it is getting hard. I set around all day like I’m in a prison cell with no TV or no entertainment. I often say to myself that I should have been a drug dealer 
who would either be successful with millions of dollars right now, or in jail. Hell, I went the straight route and I still feel like I’m in jail. I wouldn’t complain so much if I was actually in jail instead of in my house  not doing shit. It’s not that I’m even bored because I am not. I’d just rather be doing something else during the day than sitting in the house thinking about my music career, my job situation and my  label business plan and how I’m going to get money to start this business.

I often wish and dream that I’d hit the Mega Millions Lotto or just the New York Lotto; then all these bullshit worries will go away and I can concentrate on some new worries. I’m starting to get grey hair in my head. My dick don’t get as hard as it used to. My girlfriend is not as interesting as she used to be. All  she does is clean up, cook, tend to her daughter and sleep. I try to communicate to her that shit is not sexy to me, every time I see her she is washing dishes or folding clothes or on her hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floors and walls. I guess I’m just going through a phase in life right now. I’ve had my peak in life during and after college; now is the downturn, where either a nigga goes crazy, gets a divorce, robs a bank, goes on drugs, or becomes an alcoholic. Me, I’m just trying to ride this shit  out. It’s not even that hard, I’m just tired of being patient that’s all. 


Some nights I don’t get in the bed until 5 A.M. I need to stop that shit because I know it is taking a toll on me and causing me to age. I know everybody has to age but I don’t wanna speed up the process anymore than Ihave to. Tomorrow is another day to feel lost. I told myself that I might go to Best Buy and put in an application there. Deep down in my heart, I did not come to New York to work part-time making $6 to $8 dollar. I may as well go back to Ohio for that shit. I came to New York to prosper, to get that push I need to actually get off my ass and get some real riches because you need them if you are going to live in this city. But New York has flipped the script on me. New York has me jobless, just dreaming. I guess that’s why they call it the Big City of Dreams. That is all that I am doing right now 
is dreaming. I don’t have no resources what so ever to make any of my dreams come true except a dollar to play the lotto, and everyone knows that is the biggest of pipe dreams that will never come true.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I try to think what to do and my mind draws a blank. I guess that is what my sleeping and sitting in silence during the  day is all about, trying to dig deep within myself to figure out a way to get out of this whole I’m in. But my efforts are coming up empty. I don’t know man, but I got to do something. This can’t be my life for the rest of my life. I will not let it be. I guess maybe I’ll have to start all over like I’m in high school, work a part-time job and turn tragedy into triumph. I hate to do it but going back to Warren, Ohio is not an option. New York is a perfect home 
away from where I grew up at, not that far away where I can’t visit, not that close where I’d be home every other week like I still live there. I got to make this happen for me, I got to!

Jrnl Entry No. 3.8.2004

I went to an employment agency today, Trandon Associates. I’ve been to this place like two times in my career of looking for employment. The place is total bullshit, at least, that is, for African Americans. Here is their routine. They have you fill out this little card with your name and employment history and post your resume behind it. They call you back to a little room where they mark down your qualifications. Now both times as I remember it; once five years ago when I was first trying to move to New York, and again today, they noted that I didn’t have charge back experience. So I’m figuring that must be the excuse they give to the black applicants they mistakenly call because they have regular American names. The lady says she had a position which requires charge back experience so they are probably not going to be interested in my resume, but they will contact me later if another position should happen to come up. Of course, I already know that I will never hear from Trandon Associates again. This also seems to be the case with the all the employment agencies in New York.

In my three experiences of looking for employment in New York City, visiting many agencies, only one has gotten me a position, and guess what the catch was to that agency: it was a British agency, all the people had British accents, had just moved from Britain to start this business in New York, and my guess is that oversees, they aren’t as racist and prejudice as the white Americans from the United States. I’ve gotten many calls from agencies, which all somehow, never got me any work after I went into their office, or they didn’t let me come into their office in the first place. 

Like this lady called me two days ago from Access employment agency. She says that she got my resume which interested her, and then she asked what salary I was looking for. I says $45,000.00 and she says the only position that she has available is for 40,000.00, but she still would like me to come in for a meeting. Now me, knowing these agencies, I said to my girlfriend, “this is another bullshit call from an agency” and I tell her the situation. My girlfriend tells me to call her back and say that I would not like to come in until she has something more suitable to my salary range and qualifications. She wanted me to call right away so that the lady would respect me more, but I said I would call her the morning of the meeting and tell her. My philosophy is that she does not respect me anyway.  She does not intend to get me a job anyway. My girlfriend says “you’re the one who is looking for a job, not her.” So I says “and she is not going to give me a job in the first place so it doesn’t matter.”  I called the lady today around 4:00 P.M. and tell her what my girlfriend suggested. The lady called me back an hour later and said that she would call me when she gets a position in front of her that fits my salary.

Another situation happened about two weeks ago. A lady called and e-mailed me from Gothem Search Group and asked me to give her a call concerning my resume. I called her back but did not leave a message because I know that once she hears my Black voice that she is not going to call me back as has happened before. I went out of town, and when I returned I had receive another e-mail as well as a voice mail message for me to call her. So I called her and explained that I had been out of town but I was back now and we could set up a meeting. At the sound of my black voice, she says, “I’m sorry, but we have many Michael’s on file, why are you calling, in reference to what, could you please send me your resume as a word document and call back.” I says, “I already sent you my resume as a word document 
when you e-mailed me the first time.”She asked me to send it again. I laughed and said, “O.K.” and hung up and sent her a message about her obvious discrimination. How are you going to e-mail me and call me twice and then when I call you back, you don’t know who I am?  This is the type well-hidden discrimination that I faced within my year of looking for employment in a tight economy. 

I’m seeing that 40 years later from the 60s and civil rights action, integration of schools, etc. that today in 2004, it’s the same shit. No one wants to see black people prosper or give us a chance. The economy is down and black people are the last people who are going to be employed and helped out. And even when the economy is good, we still get the same treatment. If these companies aren’t made to hire us due to affirmative action programs, they do not hire us, especially not in New York City. So I’m figuring that New York is not the place for me, but it’s the place that I want to be. No one, not even black people are trying to help achieve your goals and dreams. Everyone is selfish and dreaming to get theirs first before they even think about helping you get yours. I have been interviewing for a year now, and 
only a few interviews at that. I’ve gotten like five interviews and only one resulted in an offer for $34,000 which would grow to $37,000 with incentives. 

I just am not making it here. I’m living off of my girlfriend who likes to spend all of her money on her daughter, jeans, and expensive boots for winter. She’s covering me as far as a place to stay and food, but not leisure money. She claims that she is by my side, but I don’t think so, especially since I’m not working and my unemployment has run out and I have to ask her for any money that I need. I’ve tried going and handing out resumes for a part time position somewhere, but that is not working either. I  would like to work in a Hip Hop clothing store or one of those high prices foreign wear stores downtown like the Atrium or The Lounge, but they don’t seem to want to give a brother a chance either. I applied at Eckerd drugstore the other day and they seemed to brush me off with a “we are not hiring right  now.” I still applied and gave them my resume. You’d think that a little company would love have a college degree accountant working part time for their store, but knawl, it doesn’t seem to be the case in New York City.

I was thinking of trying to get some work as a security guard during the day. Right now I’m thinking of all the options I can to get some income in my pocket. If don’t find a job making $40,000 or more, I’m not going to be a happy man, as I already am not happy living here off of Watrina and her having the power over me knowing she can just kick me to the curb anytime and I’m out on my ass or back to Ohio, which I really don’t want to go back there. She has told me to get out a couple of times because I ain’t going to be no bitch ass walking around here treading water. Like I showed her when the New Year hit and we had an argument, If worse comes to worse, I’ll just move my ass to Atlanta and stay. And the next time I am forced to go there, I will stay there.

So I’m just now starting to study to take the GMAT exam to get into graduate school. One thing about graduate school is that I don’t want to get into debt and have to pay it back when I start working again, starting out in debt, leaving me where I once was. I was full of debt with rent, my car payment and utilities and I had no money left to live. I don’t want to go back to that shit. I have a few good looking pictures that Watrina took of me three years ago. I’m going to take them to a few modeling agencies and see what they say about representing me. I kind of feel that I don’t really have model looks, just a handsome look for a man my age. I feel like I have a deep smile wrinkle line on each side of my face and my cheeks are starting to droop a little. You know, just getting old, not that old, but seeing and feeling the effects of — years on this earth. 

I wrote a documentary about Puffy’s revolution of Hip Hop that I have sent off to be copyrighted. I want to incorporate my production company named for my mother, my grandfather (R.I.P), and grandmother (on her death bed as I write this) “Leann, Michael & Ella” Productions respectively. And for those dumb fucks who don’t know what “respectively” means, it means that the name of the production company matches the order of the relatives I mentioned before it. I want to incorporate the production company for the documentary to be under and also for my music production company to be official to receive checks and write expenses off against, etc. 

I have scanned “The Only Child” Logo into the computer and designed a CD cover with it. I have dreams that I could use that Logo as a strong marketing tool. To me it seems noticeable, memorable, and marketable. I see it printed on T-Shirts. There could be different versions of the T-Shirt, each one with the Logo printed in a different place; just simple T-Shirts with the Logo in different places each time. They could become collector’s items. And the name “The Only Child” also seems powerful to me and memorable: simple and unforgettable. If I had the money, I would start the whole campaign. I would go ahead and record my album.

I got skills in rapping I feel I really do. But at the same time, I do feel that my rhymes do have a little old school flavor to them like my friend J Johnson and my girlfriend Watrina used to always say when I first started writing raps again like two years ago. But this nigga Kanye West is inspiring me. If he can have a whole album out and it sells 400,000 in the first week, I can release an album and at least create a name for myself in this music industry. But I don’t have money so I don’t know what I am going to do about putting out my album and starting a record label. I feel that I have the knowledge and know of these streets to run a label. I know all the flaws of the current labels that are out right now and are failing to make hits and losing their distribution deals.

I have an idea to put together a business plan and take to a label like Def Jam to have them sponsor me and once I create enough buzz for my name, I will sign with them. The good catch to that is that they don’t even have to give me money, they can pay for my beats and have artist use them on their albums. I don’t think anyone has ever done that; propositioned a label to sponsor their pre-career so that in turn they could sign with that label. And since I’m about to be out of professional accounting work for a year and will have to take some shitty job that I don’t want, I will definitely be motivated to put some of these ideas into motion.

I’ve been trying to get my album recorded for the past six months but the guy whose studio I go to is jerking me. I’ve only recorded three songs in six months and that is no good. I need to move faster than that, I can move faster that but he is slowing down my progress. I don’t have the money to go to any other studio.

MONEY, I so tired of that fucking word. NO MONEY I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY. If I had this MONEY I would do this; if I had that MONEY I would do that. FUCK ! No money, no job. This shit is ridiculous. I think I would rather be dead. That is one reason why I didn’t want to have any children, putting them in this world to go through all this bullshit without a single advantage in the world. If my life continues like it is, I won’t be able to help my daughter with shit just like my parents didn’t help me with shit: no house, no car, no money, no business knowledge or any other knowledge. Having kids is some selfish 
shit on the part of women just to make them happy. With my life right now, I’d rather not been born. This life is bullshit!

Jrnl Entry 3.9.2004

It’s the day before The Notorious B.I.G. “Biggie Smalls” “Frank White” was killed in Los Angeles seven years ago. I remember I was working at NRM record store in the Eastwood Mall in Niles Ohio the morning of March 10, 1997 when the news got to my ears. It was close to the time for B.I.G.s  second LP to be released, and my first thought was that “wow, he is gonna sell a lot of records.” 

So he’s been dead now for seven years and people are giving him an MC crown as the best MC. How and the hell can you receive a “Best MC” title off of two albums; the second, which was a complete flip from the 1st? In my eyes, you can’t. Biggie was good, he may have been able to become the best MC if his career would have lasted more than three years. That is all he gets from me as far as titles go. I can’t bestow “Best MC” or “Greatest Album” in his debut “Ready To Die” upon him.  The greatest Hip Hop  album of all time that still has not been topped in my eyes is “It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back” by Public Enemy. Then after that is “Amerikaz Most Wanted” by Ice Cube.  I guess much props goes to Hank Shocklee and the Bomb Squad who produced both those albums. Then third is “Niggaz4Life” by NWA. I guess much props goes to the West Coast MCs (even though I’m East Coast till death regardless of you pussies who want to shun the difference between the three coast (west, east, and south (which includes the Midwest)) for having made two out of the three.

Just listen to the production, lyrical flow, style, presence, and content (well, maybe not content on NWAs part) of these albums and you’ll have to agree. Ready To Die was a very good album, but so was “Capital Punishment” by Big Punisher, which I’d have to say was, over the top, better than Ready To Die. But no lyrical content, production, style and grace has ever topped PEs second LP. And while Chuck D holds the crown for having the greatest album ever, he isn’t in the top five of greatest MCs so the two do not go hand in hand.

But anyway, back to my life. New York is killing me. There seem to be no open doors here amongst the millions of damn doors that can be opened in this place. Doors for my Hip Hop production are not being opened. Doors for a job at one of the many Hip Hop, as well as Hip Hop influenced companies in this city. This girl I know works for Akedemiks Hip Hop clothing line. I asked her to check into an accounting job for me, and I never heard from her again and she changed her e-mail address. I know a guy who spends his days walking around Def Jam Records, but yet, he hasn’t gotten himself signed, nor has he gotten any of my beats sold. I have a Frat brother here who has so much power here because he throws all of the hot parties where music industry people hang out and depend on him to get in the parties and in V.I.P. Yet, he will not grant me grand access to all these parties and V.I.P. status, not has he offered to help me sell any of my beats through all these music industry contacts he has, nor, even in my unemployment has he offered any type of job with the small/big PR company “Black Diamond” that he is vice president of.

It also seems that I am being racially discriminated against in this city as far as receiving employment. Employers call my house and when they hear my deep African American voice, they just hang up. Or employment agencies will invite me to their offices to fill out an application and talk a little bullshit, and then I will never hear from them again, and when I call and leave them a message they will not call me 
back or if I get them on the phone, they will say they have nothing for me. I don’t know what to do. All my unemployment money had run out. I went out to look for a part time job but they seem to be equally unwilling to give an African American a job. Damn, it’s almost like we are right back  in the 60s. Here I am a nigga with a college degree, 5 years work experience, yet, there is no job for me even in a poot-butt clothing or shoe store.

This job search is having an effect on my love life. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years now, going on three. I’m questioning myself as to whether I love her anymore. I’m wondering if that question is because of my depression with not being able to secure employment or if I really don’t love her anymore. I loved her so in the beginning, I was there hand and foot for her, loved to be around her, and I wanted her to move in with me. As time wore on, we had two big fights where she busted out my car window. I threw her cell phone out the window because she was talking to this friend of hers on her cell phone, a guy who likes her. We moved in together, I found this same guys ATM card in her wallet, and then I found it again after I cut up the first one. When we were not living together, she was having a telephone affair with this guy from her job who works in Minneapolis. So while I was giving my all and not talking to other bitches and inviting them to my apartment and fucking the shit out of them, she was talking to who knows how many guys and doing what with them. She has threw all my stuff in 
the middle of the floor and told me to leave. We have gotten into another fight where she scratched my face and she had a big bruise on her shoulder from me slamming her against the wall. She gets in an uproar over people calling and hanging up, thinking that I am stupid enough to give some bitch that I fucked or am trying to fuck the house number where I am staying with another woman.

She thinks she has the right to rise up in my face like she is going to whip my ass. I don’t want a woman who thinks that she can fight me or want to fight me over her jealousy issues. I want a sweet bitch who trust me even though men fuck other bitches, I am her knight in shining armor, who fucks her well, cooks for her from time to time, and cleans from time to time, who looks good, dresses well, even though unemployed, who has the potential to earn good money. I’ve been taught that next to a rich man, the good man I just described, should not have much problems getting along with his woman, but yet I am. I think that had I have found a job by now, I would have moved.

I hear I’ll have problems out of every woman that could be worse than what I already have so I should be thankful for a non-gold digger, who works, who is not on my back about working, who fucks, cooks, and cleans well. Yeah, all of that is fine and well, but I want to be in love. I am not in love anymore especially with the finding of that second ATM card, where I moved to Atlanta, and that last big fight we had with the scratches and bruises. Over this past weekend in Ohio, I ran into this old 
sweet little girl I used fuck in college. I was thinking as I was talking to her, I should have stayed with her, she’s cute, wears her real hair (another problem I have with Watrina, while she has beautiful hair, she wears ugly weaves sometimes and it pisses me off), and she likes me. But I’m in New York and she is in Youngstown and I am not trying to go back to that corny place.

I was also thinking about Lynaye all weekend. I’ve had a crush on Lynaye ever since I made up my mind that it was her I wanted to talk to and not her friend Summer. See when I first met them after they performed on a talent show, Summer had nice tidy’s while Lynaye had the better looking ass. After seeing them a few more times together, I decided that Lynaye was for me and I went on my quest to get her. It started with my being an Alpha in college and her always attending all of the Alpha parties. I seen her in my local mall and I approached her and she was receptive. I got her number and called her and rode my motor scooter to her house. Her family, mom and sister were nice to me. I felt as if there was no doubt she would be my girlfriend and for the second time in my life I would experience true love. But I never asked her to be my girlfriend and she never asked that of me. She was young, in the 12th grade and I was a sophomore in college. We hung out, or rather she used me to get popularity amongst her peers in high school. I tried kissing her one time when we were alone and she blew that off. And she told me this long list of things a guy 
would have to do to get her in the mood, like massage her head, which I thought was stupid. It seemed you would have to go through a lot to get those drawls so I never really tried to make a move on her again. However, she was so beautiful to me, from time to time we’d hang out still. Just so happen she moved to New York two years before I did right after she graduated from college. We touched base a few times but still never brought out the love interest I had in her because she had boyfriends and I had Watrina the last time we touched base. But now, Lynaye is single, and Watrina and my relationship is not what I want it to be. So all weekend I’ve been thinking about calling Lynaye and having dinner with her and telling her how I really feel and asking her for the chance to love to her once and for all. I think she is beautiful, has good employment, and it would be a fresh love start because Watrina has killed my love for her, at least for the moment.

But this morning when I woke up, the urge to call Lynaye was not as great as it has been all weekend nor as it was when I went to bed last night with Watrina in my arms. So I don’t know. And they say, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Watrina is here for me right now in my time of need, but I feel the need to get away from her and her violent stints of jealousy before I seriously hurt her and end up in jail. I shouldn’t be with anyone whom I think I will have to fight and be locked up for.  I’ve been dating other bitches: Jackie, Natlie, Tiffany, Tracey, Traci. I talked to women on the phone who wouldn’t hook up with me: Kristy, Jennifer, Rachel. But none of these women have offered me anything, not even the pussy just to fuck around with. So what is happening with me? I don’t have a job, and to my surprise, a few family members are helping a me a little. My cousin Shaneequa gave me $200.00 when I went to see her. I don’t know if she was trying to play me or not by handing me the money right in front of Watrina. My Uncle Luther has offered his helping hand if I ever need anything.

My girlfriend is just now showing respect and interest in me that she should have shown all along considering how I was treating her. Now that she is cooperating, I’m not sure if I want her cooperation. I’ve tried to a non-success rate, to fuck other bitches. My music and everything else seems to be going nowhere. I wrote a documentary that I just sent in to be copyrighted but  I don’t want to start on that until I incorporate my Production company, and trademark my name and logo. And on top of all of this my grandmother, the oldest of the next generation in my family, is dying from Diabetes complications. So nothing seems to be going as plan, and everybody’s suggestion is that I try God! When God gives me a good job and happiness in my life, maybe I’ll try him. But for now, I’m on my own.

Jrnl Entry No. 7.9.2004

So Watrina, this bitch is trying to be real foul now. Wednesday we were to have dinner with her cousin because he seems like an intelligent guy: graduated from West Point, was in the military, and now he does product planning for master card, he’s the guy under the Senior Vice President. He has a big house out in Westchester, I think he said 3500 square feet. He talks real proper like a white man, and as I mentioned to someone else before that while it is worth a mention that he married a white woman from Iraq from the first war over there like in 91, it really doesn’t say much: a woman is a woman, whomever it is that satisfies you, do you.

So Wednesday afternoon, I call her for something and she starts in on some bullshit like “why didn’t you come and see me after your job interview”, which I had an interview that morning with an advertising agency, Cline, Davis & Mann. She ended up hanging up the phone on me because I wasn’t paying her no mind. I guess she thought that would make me not want to go to the dinner, which I was invited to and I already knew the place where we were supposed to eat, so our communication couldn’t be thrown off if I wasn’t able to reach her by phone like it was when we were supposed to go see the Wayans brother’s film “White Chicks.” She hung up the phone on me that day and our communication got thrown off. I ended up going to the movies by myself and she did what she did.

I think she’s either trying to lead me to believe that she fucking or going out with someone else and she’s not, or she really is seeing someone else, thinking that she is slick, but truth be told, “I don’t give a fuck.” So I get to the restaurant about five minutes late and her cousin and she are already at the bar having drinks, waiting for a table. She sees me as I walk in and I join them. We had a nice dinner, good conversation and advice about how to succeed. Like he said on his present job, he has always been ambitious to ask for new and bigger assignments. On all my jobs I just laid back and basically did nothing, probably why I can’t find another job right now. He said one interesting thing that I found surprising. “I will probably never make it to be CEO of anyone else’s company, look at my skin, there is only one of us who made it there, and he is not there anymore.” He was speaking of the black man who became CEO of Time Warner AOL. It surprised me because usually those people who speak really good ole boy, white, proper English, who are ambitious, they usually think they can break the white man’s effort to not let blacks get to the very top.

But anyway, we have the dinner, and as soon as we leave from his presence, she brings up another old argument that we had two weeks ago, and she was talking about she was going somewhere, out and about, and I couldn’t come. But I stayed with her because I didn’t have anything else to do. She kept trying to get me into a heated argument so that I would leave her presence. So like I said, either she is 
trying to lead me to believe that she is messing with someone else, or she is, thinking that she is being slick, but truth be told, “I don’t give a fuck!” So she stops and sits on this stoop for a while saying that she was not going to go drinking with me because she was not going to have a good time thinking about the argument that she was trying to start about two week old shit, that we fucked and made up about.

So I sat there with her patiently. After about thirty minutes of sitting there silent she decided to get up. I said, “So where we goin,” and she said, “Home” So she’s walking ever so slowly to the train station, supposedly because her sandals were hurting her feet. But usually I complain about her walking so slowly, so maybe that was just another plot to piss me off to get me to walk off, which is what I used to 
do. But I’m so on to all of her games that it’s funny to me. So I walked slowly with her, not talking, in silence. So when we get near home I cross the street, separate from her and get home a little ahead of her. I was thinking that she was just going to get in her truck and go where she wanted. I didn’t care by then because if she was going to go out her way that much to come back to Queens and get in her truck and drive back to the city or where ever she wanted to go, then so be it. If a mutha fucka wants 
to creep or do whatever they want to do, they are going to do it, and the only way to try and stop them is to make a big fool of yourself. Like if I wanted to stop her from getting in her truck without me, I would probably have had to burst out her window and get in the passenger side or fight my way in through the drivers side with her, which I was not at all willing to. 

My last true love was when I was 18. When I was 23/24 I made a fool of myself trying to stop someone from getting rid of me and I didn’t even really love the girl. I’m — now and if a bitch wants to truly leave, I am in no way trying to stop her. Watrina and I ended up coming home, and when we got here I wanted to go out to my car to listen to this brand new track I had finished. Watrina asked me where I was going. Now she hadn’t said two words to me in the last hour and a half, and her first words were, “where are you going?” I hesitated for a moment, but then I just said, “to the car.” If I was really going somewhere I wouldn’t have said shit. She just chose the wrong day to try and battle with me. As a matter of fact, it’s the wrong time period because I’m through with it. I ain’t studden nuttin that she is doing right now. So she ended up sleeping in her daughter’s room and later in the morning she got in the bed with me. She went to work the next morning and I went about my day. We spoke during the day, no problem. She was coming home to cook four pieces of fish for us, which wasn’t enough. She told me before we got off the phone that she would see me later. Later, I went out so she didn’t see me. Her daughter, her niece and my daughter were at her brother’s house in the Poconos. I got home that night around 2:30 A.M. She got home when day was starting to break, I guess like 5 A.M. or 6 A.M.

So Friday I go and get the kids from her brother’s house. When I get back she was home. She left about a 30 mins later and said she was going to pick up some money from someone. She didn’t return for about 3 or 4 hours. I really don’t agree with babysitting her neice and her daughter because like I’ve said to her a few times, “I didn’t sign up for this shit,” to be watching three little girls. I will watch her daughter when my daughter is there, but her niece, her daughter and my daughter, I don’t want to. I didn’t say anything though. She also left the sink full of dishes with bacteria in them along with a bag full of pork chop blood. So I assumed that she was going to leave all of that there for me to clean up. I wasn’t going to clean up shit, I would have left that shit there for eternity; well not that long because I plan leaving here Thursday when my daughter leaves for Ohio.

She woke up on Saturday morning cooking breakfast and was going to take my daughter with her fabric shopping, but I had already made up my mind that my daughter was staying with me and she could take her niece alone with her since her daughter Queen was going over her father’s for the weekend. Or she could drop her niece off with her mom and go and do whatever she wanted to do. My daughter and I got home around 9:30 P.M. and Watrina got home around 11 P.M. without her niece, whom she said was over to her mom’s house. She immediately got into the shower and went out. Now I’m not pissed at her for trying to start that bullshit argument with me on Wednesday about old shit. But she’s doing all this other little shit to try and do to me what she say I did to her; leave her at home with her daughter, go out and not tell her where I’m going or call her while I’m out. So she is trying to let me know how it feels I guess, and maybe she wants me to get upset about her not talking to me and her going out, and her leaving me with all the kids. I don’t give a fuck about all that shit and I ain’t saying shit to her.

I’ve made up my mind that there is too much negative energy in this relationship and it needs to end. She told me when she found my phone that I had to get out of her apartment. So maybe she is playing these games with me to make sure I leave, and she is going to get exactly what she wants. This bitch don’t know what love is. She think love is money: she gave e money to get my car fixed so she love me; she bought my daughter some clothes for the summer so she love me; I’m staying here rent free so she love me. Love is about patience, caring, compromise, trust and communication. All that money shit says is that she cares about me to give me a place to stay and to help me out of bad situations. All the other factors: trust, compromise and communication; she sucks at them. She’s all about revenge and games: if I go out, she goes out; if I don’t talk she won’t talk. But I’ve been patient with her since I met her, I’ve tried talking to her numerous times about numerous subjects and I ain’t talking no more. So she feels like she doesn’t have to communicate or try and fix things, just try to do little miscellaneous shit to piss me off. I ain’t getting pissed off at nothing she does. She could probably come with a nigga and fuck him, and while I would be disturbed, I probably wouldn’t say shit or rise up and get out of order.

I’m through with this relationship. She says I don’t want to be with her. I’ve did everything in my power to try and be with her. When she hurt my feeling and I stopped doing all of that, she never did anything to heal my feelings. It’s completely her turn to kiss my ass like I kissed hers, to communicate with me about things she sees wrong and try to suggest ways to correct them. Instead, she tries to do little stupid shit to piss me off, to say fuck me. Well, this is it. I’m leaving. I’ve compromised many times and have been patient enough with her. I said I wasn’t going anywhere. I really told myself that. I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit that another bitch I would have been left alone; I would not be here if I hadn’t told myself that she is the one, and I’m going to love her and keep her and work through all the bullshit. I’ve even had another woman the whole time I’ve been with her to help ease her bullshit. In fact, I’ve grown to love that other woman. Her love for me has outlasted Watrina’s bullshit. And even if I don’t end up with this other woman, I’m still through with this bullshit from Watrina.

She has the fire that I had when I left Ohio: she’s — making 60 grand a year, and her career will take her upward to making 250 grand a year. She has plans on starting her own clothing line as I planned on staring my own Hip Hop production company when I left Ohio. I was on top of the world; knew where I had been, where I was going, and what I was going to go and get out in this world. At –, I’m failing. Not to say that she is going to fail, but just that she is throwing away a good man in me, as I threw away my daughter’s mother because we would have never gotten along, just as Watrina and I will never get along unless she has a serious attitude adjustment and swallows some of her pride in 
dealing with me, as I made up my mind to do for her.

When two people can swallow there pride for one another and take off their cool, that is when they can communicate and make it in a long lasting relationship and take it to marriage. Watrina is not there in her life. She’s at the, “I’m hot shit, fuck the world, I don’t have to compromise for anyone, a nigga better recognize.” And just as I have come to realize, so will she, that attitude will never get you married or your relationship lasting more than 3 years, as ours is about to end after three years.

So my mother is sending me $168 to pay a parking ticket. I’m going to take that money, put my stuff in storage, and live/sleep in my car. I have two good part-time job prospects: Magic Johnson  Theatres and Michael K clothing store. My hopes are that I can stay here and work part time, live in my car and hopefully get a full time Accounting job and get me another apartment and start my life over in New York.

I told myself that I probably shouldn’t have moved in with this bitch because we weren’t getting along even then. But I thought that things would get better if we moved in, but they only got worse. I thought since we would see more of each other, we would trust each other more and everything would work out. I would give her no drama about where she’d been or where she was going as long as she didn’t need my car to get there and she didn’t leave me babysitting her daughter. As long as she came home in a decent time frame after the club closed, we would be cool. That’s all I ever asked or internally asked of her and myself, for us to come home before 5:30 or 6 A.M.

She never really trusted me. Every time I went out, I felt I had to sneak or that she investigated where I went if I told her where I was going, so eventually, I stopped telling her where I was going. I would just tell her when I got home and that is if she asked. And I took that stance because every time I asked her where she was going or where she had been, even if it was not to a club, but just out on a Saturday afternoon, she never gave me any detail; just said, “out, to do some things.” But even still, I trusted her and never bothered her about where she went, or when she got home at 11 P.M. and got off work at 6 P.M. I never demanded to know where she was and she never brought up where she went in general conversation in bed or at dinner. But at times she demanded to know where I went or where I was, and said I was trying to hide something if I didn’t tell her. Basically our communication has always been fucked up. She never knew how to communicate. I tried to communicate with her early on, but after I found that she was taking money from the bank account of a nigga whom she spent the night with in Vegas, my patience and communication fell apart, especially when she wasn’t communicating back to make things better.

We are over. She found my phone and said that she was hurt. So she hurt me and I hurt her. And maybe another reason for her trying to give me all these problems is because she wants to have other children. I don’t and I won’t and she knows that. We’ve been fucking without a rubber for three years and she hasn’t gotten pregnant. I got a trick for bitches trying to have babies by me. No one is having another baby by me unless we plan it and both agree, and that we are married first of all. More Power to Her! She seems to want me to go so I’m out of here! I always look forward to meeting a new and better bitch. I met one on Saturday, not necessarily better, well, a better ass shape and older, but definitely new; and new is always good. And of course I’m going to try and give a relationship a go with Carol Ann. She has a Master’s Degree in Psychology and will make a six figure salary also and she’s intelligent and her pussy is good and tight as opposed to Watrina’s wide and deep pussy. I’ve always liked Carol Ann’s sex better. Now with Watrina gone, I can see if I like really being with her, her attitude and her love that she says she has for me. And If I don’t end up with her, I’m cooling it on the relationship tip for a few years. I’ve been in and out of relationship for the last 10 years. I’m almost like J Lo, we’re Leos and I guess we like to be in relationships.  But this is it.

Jrnl Entry No. 7.5.2004

I don’t have any drive. I have ideas in my mind but I don’t have the drive to make the ideas which are a dream, come to true and living. I’ve told myself that once I get a job or some kind of income coming in I’m going to do something to change my situation, make my life a little more exciting. But really, I don’t think I’m gonna do anything. I don’t know how to do anything, I don’t have anyone to show me how to do anything, no mentor.  My immediate family history is that of simple living, nothing extraordinary, no  business men or women, no entrepreneurs or nothing like that.  My family is made up of men and women who were and are satisfied with there lives. And while I complain all the time, maybe I’m satisfied with my life also. I’m just like the niggaz in Warren and Youngstown, Ohio who complain how boring it is and how there is nothing there for you, but they don’t try to leave or do anything to get up out of their situation. I guess I am satisfied with my accomplishments so far: my bullshit college degree from Youngstown State University, my bullshit work experience that doesn’t seem to be good enough 
to get me another job. Someone once said to me “without that degree and your job, what would you be.” I ain’t shit with it right now. I’m an introvert who doesn’t know anyone. My networking efforts have not brought me any real contacts to help me do what I want to do in life.

I’m looking at the first season of “In Living Color” by the Wayans brothers from back in the 90s. Looking back at it, it was so elementary and simple and stupid, but it made us laugh back in the day, we loved it, it was the shit for the times. I thought about the Wayans bother’s first film “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka” and how simple and stupid it was. These stupid projects made their careers and have carried over to the two younger brothers who just had a film out called “White Chicks.” I wonder how they got these projects off the ground, who helped them, who did they network with, who invested money to make these things happen for them. The Wayans family is a successful family in the movie business, especially for a black family in the business. They are from New York, the same place where I’m trying to make my dreams happen. They were broke, I am broke, so why can’t I get a little closer to my dream of working in the studio as a producer of songs for artist and maybe get my own label off the ground. What do I do?

I don’t have anyone to help me answer these questions, to help me move forward. And I’m really tired of this shit, being down on myself. Maybe this is needed to help me get what I want. Because I ain’t gonna sit here and do this forever, I’m gonna make some type of move. And maybe I’m just telling myself that to make me feel better. I don’t know. I’m so confused right now. I don’t make beats anymore; for what! I’m not in the industry, I don’t have anyone to record any of my songs. I was thinking to go and get a lawyer and maybe that would help me: a lawyer to get me a publisher, lawyers and publishers have connections to A&R people who pick songs to go on albums. I’ve tried damn near everything else to get on, what is one more try.

That’s what they say, try, try, try and try again. Yeah, I’m trying but I can’t help to think that I am trying too slow and I am missing opportunity.  Maybe that is because I’ve been really trying hard for five years to meet, greet and get into the New York Hip Hop Music industry to no avail. I’m tired. I’m trying, but only in my mind mostly. And trying from the mind is not gonna get it. I know that, but still I’m tired. But I’m also tired of not having nothing that I want, not being emotionally fulfilled, and music is the only thing that is gonna do that from me.

Jrnl Entry No. 4.21.2004

I’ve incorporate my production company named for my mother, grandfather and grandmother, Leanne, Michael & Ella Productions Inc.” I received the incorporation papers in the mail; I filed for federal and state S Corporation status; I’ve read into what state taxes have to be paid, as well as taxes to be paid once I hire employees and my payroll reaches more than $300 per quarter. I’ve started working on my business plan, which I’m stopped dead in my tracks because I need market research and facts as to the 
buying habits of the Hip Hop community. Official market research studies, which can be purchased from Market Research.Com for $200.00 to $5000.00, money which I don’t have. I figure I’ll go the library and look up some in Billboard magazine and they should give me some sales information and future predictions concerning Hip Hop music, which I need for my business plan.

So the main project that will be sphere headed by my company are a Documentary which I have completely written, and need to get a director to film and edit and help me get financing based upon realistic cost projections. I have also planned my album, which it looks like I am going to have to write myself. I have ten good songs that I would like to record, and I’m going to include five instrumentals. Once I get it recorded, which shouldn’t be a problem, I need financing to market and promote the album.

It is becoming quite clear to me that an accounting job is nowhere in my immediate future. I’m living 
off of table scraps right now as far as money goes. I’m constantly thinking about this company that I want to start and be successful. I read Donald Trump’s new book “How to Get Rich,” which really had nothing to do with telling you anything about getting rich. I’m glad I didn’t purchase it. I read it in two days at the Barnes and Nobles book store on Broadway. The book did kind of tell you to have passion about any business that you are running especially if it’s your own. Along with that passion, know every 
little detail possible about that business. You have to work hard because no one is going to work harder than you to make you rich. The book was sort of inspiring but really had no good details concerning gaining and keeping wealth.

So as it is now, I spend approximately 3 to 4 hours a day reading something to broaden my business knowledge or writing my business plan. That time to me is really not enough, but I’m stagnated because I don’t have any real money to really start doing anything as far as business goes. I mean without money, what can I really do beside plan and write down ideas. I need money to make them tangible, but all in all, I’m excited about Leanne, Michael & Ella Productions Inc. and working to make it into a major label, or at least getting it to be a major force in the music industry to be recognized.

I’ve thought about acting and modeling but getting into those professions will probably be as hard as getting into Hip Hop, which I haven’t been able to get into Hip Hop, which is why I’m seriously starting 
my own company. Here I am –, I have nothing but dreams. I need to get more serious about taking the GMAT test starting MBA courses in the fall. As far as I see, that is the only real step that I can take to secure me an aiiight future. Yeah, I know they say work hard at your passion and it will come to pass. While I have faith in my passion, my dream will slowly materialize, and too slow for my life. If I was — or younger and in my current situation, I’d be fine, probably run with it. But I’m — living with and off of my girlfriend and that is not cool.

I saw Denzel Washington yesterday in the Village on Broadway and Prince. I recognized him trying to be very incognito. I just calmly walked in front of him and the two men who were lazily body guarding him in an effort to keep his presence incognito; I extended my hand out to him, he looked at me and he extended his hand back and we shook.  I’m not a star struck individual. At age –, I know that celebrities are real people just like I am who happen to be a bit more fortunate than myself, to be living there dreams. I only make it a point to speak to those celebrities that I admire their work and their career. Like I seen Eric Sermon of EPMD walking past me in Joe’s Pub night club and I shook his hand. I’ve seen Dana Dane twice on different occasions, and because of his legendary status (one of the, probably the 1st solo MC to have gold album sales), I have to extend my hand out to him every time I see him.

I don’t know if I’m cut out for this relationship that I am involved in. It’s a cute little arrangement I have here. The perfect little light skinned attractive woman whom everybody likes. She has the perfect little 
light skinned daughter that everybody like. Her daughter and my daughter get along really well. I’ve even known her daughter since she was like 2 and a half, the only other man in her mother’s life besides her father. I feel an obligation to be in this for the long run. I used to feel love about the situation, but that love was damaged by a too close for comfort friendship she had or has with another man. In addition to that, she does not trust me. I feel like every time I tell her something as far as me going somewhere without her that she feels I am lying and going somewhere else. I don’t like the feeling of not being trusted. She also tries to do things that I do like if I stay out all day and all night without calling, she’ll do the same thing the next day or in the near future. I don’t call her because it seems 
like she private investigates what I tell her. If I don’t tell her anything, there is nothing to investigate. Denzel said on The View this morning that his marriage works and has worked for 20 years due to trust and patience. I do not think neither of us has trust nor patience. I know I don’t have patience for anything that is making me unhappy, and as I’ve done before, I’ll leave it alone quickly and start something else.

So I’m — and having this conversation with myself. I thought I was a gentle man, and that I would be in a successful loving relationship and happy. But it is not that way for me. But compared to most people, I think my relationship woes are light. I guess I’m looking for perfection and that is not possible. I kind 
of think I might end up alone, well not alone no time soon, but just in old age alone, not married for 20, 30 years and dying with someone as my long loved wife. My future is not bright right now. I have high hopes though. I did have a job interview last Friday with a British company called Financial Times. It seems like a cool company that I could grow with; I want to work for them. It was a British woman who got me hired at the Advertising agency two years ago. Maybe Brits are the only people who are not subjecting me to discrimination that I believe other companies and employment agencies are subjecting me to. I’ve been jobless for a year now. Many agencies have called me but no job has resulted. I thought I’d never feel the effects of being a black man, but now, sad to say, I believe I am right now in New York City.

Jrnl Entry No. 9.11.2001

I’m over my friend Carol Ann’s house in Jersey. I spent the night as I often do and go to work in the early morning; however, I am unemployed at this time. I got fired the weekend before Labor Day, which is all well and good because I just wasn’t feeling working at The Italian Job in Brooklyn. I had an interview with a lady at Robert Half Financial Employment Service this afternoon. I woke up at 8:50 A.M. to go and move my car from this meter lot which goes into effect at 9 A.M. I turned my radio on and Starr and Miss Jones were talking about something blowing up, and I thought they were talking about New York, but the details were sketchy because they had to get back to playing music. When I get back to Carol Ann’s house, she is up watching the news. What had happened was two air planes crashed into the World Trade Center Twin Towers. The World Trade Center was bombed back in 1993, and now here in 2001, two planes crash into the twin towers. I guess The World Trade Center has bad luck.

I was thinking that I could still get back into New York through the Lincoln Tunnel, go home and change my clothes, and take the train to 42nd Street to my interview. I was gonna leave at 11 A.M. but I planned on leaving at 10:30 due to this activity in the city which would probably cause a lot of traffic. At around 9:30 A.M. it was reported that the Lincoln Tunnel, George Washington Bridge, and all ways into New York were shut down.

So I’m stuck over her house. At this point, it was just the two planes crashed into the two buildings. I’m thinking lightly as always that it is no big deal, laughing it off like fuck the world because my world is not perfect or anywhere near where I would like it to be at the age of .. I figure, I’ll be stuck here for the day or maybe a few hours and then I can go home to my apartment in Long Island City Queens, New York. About a half hour later, they report that the Pentagon has been bombed also, a mall in Washington also. The White House was evacuated. New York is on full Terrorist alert. All planes nationally have been shut down on flights, and International flights have been diverted to Canada.

So now I’m thinking that it’s getting a little serious. Some muta fuckas are really trying to attach The United States and start some shit that they are not gonna be able to get out of their ass, because they have already taken the laxative, and the shit is BOILING, bot bubbling in their intestines. Whoever, has brought this shit on themselves and their bodies are just gonna explode from inside out with shit once The United States gets a hold of the fact that they started this shit.

A little after that, one of the Twin Towers collapsed from another explosion. I’m still taking it a little lightly because that is my nature of thinking right now. I’m even thinking it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I died right now. I was just thinking yesterday of blowing my brains out but I just can’t go out like that. I can’t deprive all the people who love me of my life. While I am a selfish mutha fucka, I am also a proud mutha fucka. And pride is what is keeping me here in New York trying to get into this music industry or get employed at some African American company like FUBU. But FUBU has no practical method of hiring so they tell me, which means that I will probably never get a job there. All the record companies have no hiring except internal. And that would be a real pick me up right now to work with something that has to do with music. I applied at ASCAP Publishing company but they don’t seem to be taking my interest in their company seriously.

But any way my life is fucked up. Carol Ann says that I am depressed and I need to start living. Well living to me is doing something for a living that you enjoy. I enjoy music but I can’t get no way into music it seems. I want to work for a Hip Hop oriented company, but none of them seem to hire anybody. I can’t live in that way. Living is also having a family and being able to provide for them: one woman to love, one or two children to cherish, etc. I got a kid but I had a girl who I don’t get along with so we are not together. I see my kid, Janelle every three months for two weeks. I have no family, no woman, and not even a job, let alone a job that I would love to be working on. So nothing is working for me right now; therefore, I can’t just live. How I want to live, I can’t live, so what is the point. But pride keeps me going, staying here with nothing working as I wanted it to or hoped it would. But anyway.

A half hour after that, right as I was standing there watching the TV drinking a Budweiser, the other World Trade Center Twin Tower collapsed right in front of my face. Chills went down my spine as the news reporters started saying, “oh my god is this live?”

Now It’s serious, war is imminent. Mutha fuckas have died in that building, no joke. I’m just watching this shit unfold in front of my face on TV. At my old job, they could probably see all of this happening right across the water in full view. I started to call there, but fuck them. I had no friend there to call. So now both World Trade Center buildings are down. This is gonna be on the news all day and they are reporting that some terrorist, Solovon Laudon, said there would be some type of terrorist attack on the United States because of the support shown for Isreal.

Now I’m not a history buff, and personally, if it is not affecting me or someone I know or I am nowhere near the shit, I don’t care about the shit. But there is some situation with the Isrealites and the Palestenians. Where the Palestenians keep starting shit for whatever reason, throwing rocks and shit at the Isrealites. In response, the Isrealites shoot the shit out of them. Now if you ask me, the mutha fuckas throwing the rocks are kind of stupid, just like the mutha fuckas taking over these planes and crashing them into shit are stupid. This little shit they are doing is minor, which most protest are. The Civil Rights Movement was minor, but it was done in a smart way. Except for a few exceptions, the shit was done peacefully and strategically. Like the Bus Boycott, “if you ain’t gonna let us ride the bus in peace, then we ain’t gonna ride and you gonna lose money.” SIMPLE!

But these mutha fuckas are waging war with air plane high-jacks, and mini-major explosions of buildings; this, against a country with tanks, air plane fire fighters, atomic bombs, etc. They are not gonna win. They can’t win against the Isrealites, they damn sure can’t win against the United States. But then again, maybe they are not stupid. They have a cause, and they are willing to protest, risking their lives for what they believe. Most people have something that they would do the same for. It seems dumb to me because I am not in their situation and I don’t understand their plight. I am being ethnocentric.

Now we are in a national state of emergency because these terrorist mutha fuckas are blowing up shit all around the United States. It was reported that 164 people died on one of the planes that crashed into The World Trade Center. It is being reported that in Palestine, 3000 mutha fuckas are over there celebrating what is going on in the United States. What has the United States directly done to them? These  Palestinian mutha fuckas have a twisted view of thinking and because they are celebrating, I have no choice but to rejoice when the U.S. drops a bomb on they asses. Well I probably won’t rejoice, but neither will I be sad.

As of now, shit has calmed down a little and they are just reporting on shit that has happened. But I bet my ass that something else is gonna happen major before the day is over. Maybe the whole New York will just start collapsing: the whole Manhattan Island, Queens, Brooklyn, Long Island. What if it all just started sinking into the water? Now that will be some shit. That would probably be some good shit for me and music because all the bullshit, can’t get a job, or get your music heard by record companies in New York: Bad Boy, Def Jam, Universal, etc. All the record companies will be shut the fuck down. I would leave from here in Jersey and start a record company in Cleveland. The music industry would be wide open for business. With all of New York dead, there would be a world of opportunity for rappers, producers, singers, etc. I would start a smart, good quality, entertainment company and get rich baby. 

But then again, if New York is shut down, the stock market will shut down and a lot of money would be lost, but hell not all money would be lost. I would be on top of the world in music if New York went down, believe that. It’s a shame probably that I would be thinking like that. But fuck it, the music industry is a dog eat dog world. So if the only way I can get in and live my life for what I love is for mutha fuckas to die, that is the way it’s gotta be. And still at the end of all this, I don’t give a damn, I ain’t got a job. I ain’t got an inkling of a production deal. I ain’t got nothing.

Watrina said to me yesterday, I don’t take aids seriously and life seriously.  I have my own little precautions about AIDS sure, but not as precautious as she would like me to be. When I got off the phone with her, I thought to myself, “to live is to have death upon you at any moment.” You think those mutha fuckas who were in that building could have taken precautions to those planes crashing this morning, NO! I guess I am lucky or blessed to have lived .. years, have a beautiful daughter, college education, nice size dick that keeps me with somewhat of a healthy sex life, family to love me, and all the other shit that I should be thankful for. I am thankful a little, but on the other end of my thankfulness is, “if the shit would have happened to me right now at this point in my life, it wouldn’t make a difference to me. By my standard of living, my life ain’t shit.”

Jrnl Entry No. 7.13.2001

Yo, I can’t do whatever it is you are doing with me anymore. You’ve said it to me that we should just be friends. Well I’m sayin it for real. I mean it. And that’s not like, “hey, let’s go here and do this” friends. That’s see you when I see you, say hi, say bye.

See you say we just friends, but yet you want to come over my house and lay with me and claim you don’t want to leave because it feels so good. You want to wash my dishes, fold my clothes, cook for me and bring me food. You want to spend Saturday afternoons with me. You want to talk to me each day. You even want me to have a cell phone so that you can know where I’m at when I’m not with you.

Now pardon me if I’m takin’ all this out of context, but that sounds like shit that I’d be doin with my girl, not just someone I’m fuckin’. And since you make it clear to me that we just fuckin’ all this shit that we doin’ together has to stop. And since I have more respect for you and deem you worthy of more than just a fuck, we got to stop doin’ that also. And since I have more respect for myself and know I’m worthy of more than just a fuck, we got to stop.

Yeah, You like, you may even care, hell, may even love me, but you ain’t willing to show it like I want it to be shown. Maybe you like me a lot but there is something that you want that I don’t have. And since you told me when we first started talkin’ that you was still in love, and you always talkin’ about what ya’ll used to do, maybe you waitin’ on Queen’s dad to get his shit together so you can have a happy family. Or maybe you just young and havin’ fun doin’ you. Well, do you!

I’ll chill and do me. It ain’t me to want a young lady and she not want me back in the same fashion; she leaving me feeling like I got to convince her that I’m the nigga. If she can’t see that I’m the nigga, either I ain’t the nigga, or she blind and can’t see and it will be her loss.

Jrnl Entry No. 7.5.2001

DAMN! You wasn’t supposed to break up whatever we got goin. I’m letting you know how I feel about the phone. Last night was the last straw witt you and this phone. Now if you think I’m so wrong and you are so right, then I guess we gots to chill out and you don’t have to worry about me and how I feel about your phone. My phone doesn’t ring period when you are over my house partly because no one has the number, and secondly I wouldn’t let it ring while you are over there because that is our time, not my boys, not my moms, not another woman or women. And you be holdin’ mini-conversations before you say, “you’ll have to call me back.” That tells me that you give a fuck about whoever, not to tell them that you are with company and can’t talk right now. The one time the phone did ring when you were at my house ,I told the chick I had company because I didn’t and don’t give a fuck about her and what she thinks of me having company.

You say niggaz ain’t shhit. They ain’t shit only because bitches let them not be shit by not tellin’ them about themselves and how they feel about it. If I never say anything seriously about you and that phone, you’ll keep on just like you been and are doing. I’m letting you know your phone and you conversating on I when you are with me is bullshit and I ain’t havin’ it, and obviously you ain’t havin that. It’s whatever too.

As long as you say we are just friends, no, I don’t know what you are doing and I don’t want to know, but don’t expect me to think that you are doing nothing. I’d be a sucka. If you ain’t totally mine that means that part of you is somebody else’s. While I do care about you also, I ain’t oblivious to the possibility of what you could be doin’, and I’ll say it out loud because you ain’t my lady as you make so vividly clear a point every time I see you. Well, you ain’t my lady vividly. I’ll tell you vividly that you make could be doin whatever when you ain’t witt me even though 95% of me thinks that you are not.

You are takin’ the car thing a little too seriously. I let you use my car last weekend. I don’t blame you for it breaking down. That is all jokes. The ridin’ niggaz around in it was said in response to anger about you talkin’ on the phone in my kitchen. And you say you did that because I act like I don’t care or it’s whatever. You say that like you want me to sweat you about who you talk to and who you witt when you ain’t witt me. I’ve been there, done that. I don’t care who you talk to, but you ain’t gonna be talkin’ to them on the phone while you witt me. Even if you was my lady, it would still be the same because bottom line, if you want to fuck someone, you gonna do it and ain’t shit I can do about it. Now if it’s obvious that you are givin all your attention to someone else, then yes I’ll say something. I don’t think that you are giving too much of your attention to someone else, but I also don’t think you are giving me all of your attention. And as long as you keep me feelin that way, I’m gonna say things out loud that you could be doin.

I ain’t got a big problem with nothing except the phone calls. The other stuff like you maybe riding your friend around; yeah, it’s a slim thought, but if it was a big thought and I actually thought you would really do something like that, I wouldn’t even be fuckin’ witt you. And maybe I would because part of me doesn’t care. I ain’t got time to be sweatin’ no young lady about what she’s doing when she ain’t doing it witt me.  

And as far as the car goes, it goes a little deeper than me not just trustin’ you. It’s not just a car. I’m payin $18,000 $342 a month for that brand new car. My, let me repeat that, MY brand new car, not my moms, dad’s, uncles etc. I want to keep my car. Even though you probably wouldn’t, there is a chance that if you fucked it up, you could say fuck me and leave me stuck witt the bill. I used to be mad at my uncles and aunts when they wouldn’t let me drive their cars to Atlanta for Freak-Nik, or to DC for Howards Homecoming, but now that I got my own I understand. Yeah, it’s just a car and I’d live without it, but I’d rather not. Your brother asked me could he drive my car to his house one time and I said no. You’ll understand when you get a car, especially while you are paying for it, and especially if it has 0-80 miles on the odometer when you drive it from the dealer to your house.

Now I think you know that I would love for you to be my lady, but you don’t want to be. You somehow think that would be some big task that you can’t handle right now. I ain’t sweatin’ you to be my lady, I’m just letting you know. You care about me. I Love You Too! So whenever you decide that you want to stop bein’a punk witt a heart, I’ll be here for you to give it to me. If you never give it to me, oh well. I guess in time our little relationship will fade. But lady or no lady you ain’t gonna be talkin’ on that phone to other guys who want to fuck you while you are chillin witt me.

Jrnl Entry No. 7.27.2001

Well what is there in my life right now? I have put the smack down on Watrina and let her know that if she really likes me, she better quit with this “just friends” shit, and stop talkin’ to other niggaz on her cell phone while I am right there with her.

I just completed my resume cover letter to send out to some record companies. I’m trying to get a job at J-Records, Clive Davis’s company. This guy Clive is going crazy. He has like five acts out, all R&B, at the same time and they are all doing well: O-Town is platinum, Jimmy Cozier who has a hot song on the radio. Busta Rhymes Flip Mode Entertainment is gonna be distributed by J-Records. Now with all this activity going on, they need accountants hopefully, and I want in. I think that job would be the answer to some of my problems right now, or a job at a label that I am familiar with and know a little something about that has a Hip Hop and R&B department.

My job just frustrates me more and more each day. I have been given the warning that if my performance doesn’t improve, I’ll be fired. I think they are gonna end up firing me because I have no interest in this place and building materials. The people here are not people I can relate to: Italians, a gay guy, a Hindu Indian, another gay guy who tries to talk like he understands black language to a certain degree, a Jewish man, an Irish man, and a Spanish Columbian girl. I don’t give a fuck about communicating with none of these muthafuckaz. And as I’ve written, we pretty much don’t communicate, don’t even speak.  

My daughter went on strike talking to me for like a week and a half. She wouldn’t talk on the phone to me twice when I called. I called like three times the next week and she wasn’t there over her grandmother and grandfather’s house because I suppose she and her mother have been spending time at their new house as Janelle calls it. Victoria called me and let Janelle talk. I asked her for her phone number and address since it was becoming apparent that she just wasn’t forking over the information without me asking for it. She said, “you’ll get it.” I’m like can I have it now? So she gave me the phone number. That’s all I need for right now because I ain’t got nothing to send her in the mail. I don’t know what the hell Victoria thinks I want from her. My daughter sounds older and older each time I talk to her. It’s a joyful noise when I get her on the phone. I love it and I try to keep her talking to me as long as possible asking her questions, and her only answer is, “I don’t know.”

I told Watrina that I don’t plan on having any more kids. She asked me, “If you and I were to get married, you wouldn’t want to have a kid with me?’ I told her that I can’t afford it financially or emotionally, another split up with a child of mine. Things go bad, it’s all fucked up and I ain’t takin’ another chance with another kid, of me and the mother not ending up together. I think personally that a lot of women have kids for all the wrong reasons; some even have kids by a well-to-do gentleman just to get a child support check. It will never happen to me again. NEVER!

I just got off the phone with Watrina. She wants to come and see me when I get home from work. I told her that I didn’t want to see her with red hair that she got put in her head to go to Jamaica. I told her I don’t like weave. I don’t like weave. I will not approach a woman with weave in her hair. I cannot see myself falling in love with a woman who does not have her natural hair unless I compromise, or it looks really natural. And even still, I will crack on it till the end of time. You can’t run your fingers through that shit or rub it, nothing. I’m about to stop telling people that Watrina is my girl and just refer to her as “this bitch I’m fuckin’ with”; because we really ain’t got too much serious going on at least not on her part. She likes me but she ain’t thinkin’ on the level I’m on right now about relationships. She’s a nice girl, but she ain’t lookin’ for what I want so whatever is gonna be with us will just be.

My life is a big ass question right now. Will I find my wife? Will I get on in this music game? Will I stay in New York for much longer? Will I find a job that I’ll take serious and excel at, particularly at a record label? Watrina mentioned to me that she doesn’t understand how people say that they are searching for a wife or husband, you just meet that person. I started to explain to her that she was that person to have: intelligence, security, stable, good looks (maybe), good sex (maybe), etc. You search for a person who has as many of those qualities as possible. Or you want a person who just comes into your life on a humbug and you get into a relationship with them, to have those qualities. If a person doesn’t have the qualities that you want in a mate, you two are not gonna make it.

As to the question of how much longer will I stay in New York, I don’t know. I’m thinking of making a career change to Jr. High School math teacher. I think I would like to do something like that, but I don’t know if I’m gonna stay in New York permanently because you can’t make it here unless you are rich or very well paid. It seems as if I will not get very well paid as an accountant. And everybody says that teachers are underpaid, but yet when I was in school, they all drove new cars. New York is the pits: expensive, unsociable, crowded. Those three things make this not a very nice place to be trying to make a living in. I’m just barely surviving right now here.

Watrina has an idea to start a denim manufacturing company. I told her I’d try and help her collect information and help in any way I can. Hopefully she’s serious and we really do this. That could be my ticket to financial freedom. Financial freedom only comes through working independently for yourself.; working for someone else if that someone is a friend of yours or they just like your work ethic will also get you somewhere. But for the most part, working for someone else, you’ll be working hard and getting really no recognition for your work. I just thought of an idea to start a Hip Hop and R&B Distribution company. I wonder what would it take to get that off the ground. This thought is only coming as a result of Watrina’s idea to start a clothing manufacturing company. She’s in the fashion industry and I love the music industry that I just can’t seem to get a piece of. It is right here in my face, but I can’t grab a hold to it and pull myself in, and it seems as if no one else wants to pull me in neither.

I still got Windexter on my mind. He is friends with DJ Clue’s manager and the A&Rs who will be working out of Desert Strom Records. I’m about to sell my soul to get into this music business. I came up with the idea just to break the ice that I should sell my tracks for $5,000 off the books for a track on an album that sells platinum at a royalty rate of $.05; that is cheating myself out of $45,000. But no one is gonna pay a no name, no hit Hip Hop producer $50,000 so I got to do what I got to do to get in this game.

There is this BET/BILLBOARD Hip Hop & R&Bsummit at the Hilton Hotel on the 6th Ave Aug 28 – Aug 30 2001. It cost $500 for registration so I won’t be registering to get in to attend any events. I’ll probably just go and hang outside. I know madd kids is gonna be out there rapping and shit. Maybe I’ll pick up an artist that I can work with to rhyme over my songs that I’ve produced. I’m working on this banging joint right now. It was initially supposed to be called the Harlem Shake, but it’s too slow to be a Harlem Shake dance song. I need Tilly to play toms over it for me. It’s gonna come out dope, just another song to put in my vault for nobody to listen to. Maybe one day I’ll stop but no time soon, and then again, maybe I’ll never stop. I’ll just continue to make songs all my life just as something to do in my spare time even if I never get on as a producer.

Me and Watrina are supposed to starting working out in the morning at the track in Astoria Park over by where we live. I really didn’t want to do this because I have to be up at 6 A.M. running around a track and doing push-ups and sit-ups and shit. But then I thought it would be a great way for us to expand our relationship and get closer by spending more time together. My frat brother Mortier Maison said he went and worked out with his wife the morning after he met her and they ended up married. So I figured I’d give it a try. Watrina is falling for me more and more each day I think. But then again, this is New York and bitches and niggaz got games for ya ass. So where as I think she is being sincere, she could just be spending time with me for something to do and not really liking me at all, just a fling. In my case, I like her so I’m just flowing with the flow. You know I love my damn self so if she flakes out on me, I’ll be alright regardless.

But sometimes I wonder am I a fool. It seems as if I have been trying to get a woman and make her mine for me to marry in the future ever since I was about 23 years old. There was Lauren whom I thought I loved and wanted to try and spend the rest of my life with. Then there was Victoria who ended up pregnant and I was thinking maybe she could be the one. Then there was Sausha who was very nice and I loved her the most, more than the two up above. She was just behind me as far as life goes; no gainful employment skills, no college education. She wasn’t willing to follow me along to NY to try and live my dream partly because she couldn’t and maybe also partly because she didn’t want to, and maybe partly on my part not wanting her to also. Now I have Watrina whom I think is very nice, considerate, doesn’t seem to be a dumb materialistic girl like a lot of NY black people are. I am thinking that we could last awhile. I seem to think this about these women, but two years later it seems to end for some reason or another. What is it in me that wants to have a steady woman? Why don’t I want to be a player? Maybe it’s a result of aids and the fact that I hate sex with a condom. Maybe I’m just a sucka for love.

All of life’s little questions, or rather my life questions. I ain’t got the answers. I ain’t searching for them too hard neither, or maybe I am which is why I feel depressed and down sometimes. I wish my life would all come together: money, one woman who I love and she loves me, nice house, nice care, nice investment for the future. Maybe one woman is the start to all the rest that I think will give me piece of mind I don’t know.