Jrnl Entry No. 2.29.2000

I returned home to Warren over the last weekend just for the purpose of to get some pussy. I arrived in town about 10 P.M. over to Lauren’s house. When I arrived she didn’t smile or anything. I was figuring I would probably be leaving because she was not gonna act right, have an attitude, and not want to have the good sex we usually have when we are together. I walked in the house but didn’t get comfortable because her face didn’t say get comfortable. I had my coat on still, ready to walk out the door. She said that she was tired and what not.

She started to warm up after a while. We went to the grocery store and to Walmart. When we came back we got heated up and took our clothes off. When my dick got rock hard, I told her to get her daughter’s polaroid and let’s take some pictures. She said, “what you ask for, you shall receive.” I guess she thought I was bullshitting. I like little freakish shit like that. I was naked and I told her to take a picture of me standing by the fire place with my dick pointing straight forward. After that she told me to take a picture of her. I told her to go put on some thong underwear, and she went upstairs and put on a pair. She got down on her knees with her ass facing me. She pulled up her little see-through ankle length dress or whatever it was, you could see right through it. She turned around and looked at the camera and I snapped the picture. Then she suggested that I take one of her sucking my dick. She told me to sit on a pillow on the floor, and she put the head of my dick in her mouth and closed her eyes, and I snapped the picture; it came out nice. My dick was nice and hard and thick looking in her mouth, and her eyes were shut like she was giving me the blow job of my life.

Lauren doesn’t suck my dick often. She was doing it last year, but when I left a note in her mail box and said something about her doing it, she hasn’t done it since. I like the way she sucks my dick. It was like a teasing suck, and it feels so good. The only girl who was able to make me cum sucking my dick was Rebecca. I think that Lauren could accomplish that also if we work on it. I used to eat her pussy all the time when we first started out, but she says she didn’t like it so I stopped. Lauren and I have the best sex ever. My dick gets so hard for her. I love cuming in her pussy doggie style and with her on top. You should hear me, it sounds like I’m dying when I cum in that ass. She makes me just want to holla.

After I took the picture of her sucking my dick, I got behind her and stuck my dick in her pussy with her thong still on. I snapped a picture with the head of my dick in her pussy from the back. That was a nice picture also with her big ass up in the air in a thong, with my dick sliding the thong over a little to penetrate the pussy. I then took off her panties and snapped a picture with my dick going in from behind. After that we made love. I finished on top of her palming her as in my hands and busting a nice wet warm nut in her pussy. After that I got up and the cum rolled out of her pussy. She was lying there with her legs open. You could see the cum between her legs. I snapped a picture of her lying there. Then she got up and stood by the fire place sideways so that I could see the curb of her ass. She put her hands on her hips and I snapped another picture. We were all out of film after that. We started to watch a movie and we fell asleep naked in each other’s arms.

I’ve talked about Lauren before in the past and stated how good her pussy is to me and how we were in love until she found out I was having some kind of relations with Rebecca. She was right for getting rid of me. I was having a relationship with her and Rebecca. That was a great sexual time in my life. I’ve already talked about that also. I tried coming back into Lauren life after that, and she would let me back in partially. We would have great sex and maybe go out a couple of times, and then she would start doggin’ me, and I would leave her alone. We have went on like this for at least three years. I’ve tried to get back with her but she just dogged me. I hurt her trust I guess. This time around it seems like she is over that and she has been acting nice and we have been getting along better than any of the past times when I came back into her life.

Last year around this time, I had premature thoughts of marrying Lauren. I was seriously thinking about being with her and taking her to N.Y. with me and we would live happily ever after. But after one time of us being together after I said that, I didn’t feel the same. I saw that my love had changed for her and through all the doggin’ me when I was seriously trying to get back with her, my love for her was gone and lost. I told that I didn’t feel the same about her as I used to, and that we shouldn’t see each other. And I proceeded to move forward with my relationship with Sausha. But now since Lauren and I have been back together, it’s been good. My heart is still a little hardened toward her, but just like I fell in love with her before because when I first met her, I didn’t like; as we spent more time together, I fell in love with her. She has plans on moving to Virginia this summer. If I let her move there, we will never come together.

Lauren and I have had lots of fun together like the time when we went to Freak-Nik. We went to some club and I was freaking her on the dance floor. After the club was over, we went out to the car and fucked right in the parking lot. The one year when went to Vels on the Circle in Cleveland for New Years, and she had on this black long satin night gown type dress, and I was freaking her that night. I used to like to go places where nobody knew us and just get nasty on the floor. I like doing things like that. I have an exotic type mind. I think most people say they wouldn’t like a stripper to be their girl, but I think I would love it. I would even probably like my girl to be in porn film. I think I would be turned on by it. Like when Rebecca and I used to have threesomes with Mitchell and Tracey, I liked that shit.

I think Lauren has that type of mind also. She likes to fuck in front of a mirror and look as we are doing it. She once mentioned about having sex with two guys, but we never really discussed it. I think that is partly why we would make a good couple. We have fun together in bed, out at clubs, etc. And besides the stretch marks, I think I have mentioned this before, Lauren has the greatest ass I have ever stuck my dick into. I love the shape of her body in the clothes she wears. Bottom line is that Lauren turns me on and that is what I want in a wife. I have not been turned on by anyone like she turns me on. And now I have these pictures at my apartment and I have been looking at them every day, and thinking to myself, “how can I let this ass go, look at it.” She has the type of ass that guys love to fuck. It’s nice and round and plump.

I know I said that I really don’t want to be with a woman with three kidz, and that is not the real problem. The problem with the kidz issue that I have with Sausha is that her kidz are little and need baby sitters and shit. Lauren’s kidz are 14, 9, and 7. They can basically watch themselves. Sausha has no steady job and she wants to go to school. Lauren works as an assistant manager of bookkeeping. She is more stable in her life and can help me better to take care of her kidz than Sausha can.

I have to realize what’s important to me. Financial stability is important, sex is important, and good times are important. With Lauren bringing in some income, I don’t know how much, and with my budgeting skills, we will probably be alright. With our sex life, we should be all right. With our ability to go out and have a good time together, we should be alright. I believe we can be great friends and great lovers. I don’t know how I will be as a step-father though. Her kidz like me so I shouldn’t have a problem with them. They are passed the brat stage unlike Sausha’s youngest son Rykell. I still don’t like him. He will probably turn out to be a good kid too.

Lauren has forgotten about the past she says, and feels that we can get along. I haven’t forgotten how she was doggin’ me all those years, but I will get over it especially with all that ass in my face every night. She won my heart the first time, so I’ll see if she can do it again. If she does, we will get married later like when the kidz are grown and out the house, when she will be truly mine. If I can’t hold her off that long, I guess I’ll give in. I’m looking forward to being with her and us making a life together, and doing it like we used to. I guess it’s meant to be, otherwise, I would have been left her lone. Rhonda is not for me. She has a time and place for everything attitude that I don’t have. I will fuck in the middle of the grocery store aisle if it wasn’t against the law. Sausha has some of what I want, and some things I don’t. She says she is ready to be free now. Lauren has passed her up in the freedom department with the nude photos. Sausha says she would only do that if she was married, and I have a feeling even then that she would be stiff with it. Sausha has a lot to learn, and I don’t have time to teach it to her. I love Sausha but I’m ready for what Lauren has to offer me.

Jrnl Entry No. 4.16.2000

I was stressing my cousin Romeo all last week about marriage and what should be the most important thing I should be looking for in a wife. I also e-mailed two of my frat brothers with the same question: Tyrone Johnson and Charles Roberts.

Now why was asking them these questions? Well Lauren is 28 and we have rekindled our flame once again for what will probably be the last time since we started being together six years ago. I always end up going over her house once a year and we have good sex, and maybe a couple times after that, and then we quit because either she has a boyfriend or I have some situation on my hands. Well this time when I went over there, I had been broken up from Sausha for three months already, and I was just fucking Rebecca on my visits back to town to see my daughter.

Lauren didn’t have a guy that she really liked at the time so we did our usual thing. I’ve always in the past hoped that we could get back together like we were before, but this time I really didn’t care; getting back together was not even a thought in my mind. From the way she was talking though, it was of some interest to her for us to be together, but I brushed those interest off. She came to N.Y. and visited me and was being nice to me, but I wasn’t responding to her.

Well anyway, in my loneliness at my apartment in Queens I kind of made up my mind that I should try and be with her, and maybe we could get our relationship back on track. I started asking her to come and live with me. She said no and gave me all kind of excuses. Eventually she started thinking about it. She came to me with us getting married first, and then we could be together. I said marriage was not in the plans at least until we live together for a year to see if we could make it here in N.Y. together and if we even liked each other that much, or was it just lust for each other.

She claims that she loves and/or has loved me more than I love/loved her. The way she was treating me over the last two or three years, I couldn’t tell. But I started thinking about all the good points about Lauren. She can be sexy like I want her to be. She has a nice little jello-ton ass that she works very well in bed. She would probably try anything sexually that I wanted (there has been minute talk about trois with another man and with another woman), and we’ve even had anal sex once. She treats me good when she is not madd. She has a job to support herself and her kids.

The things I don’t like about her are for one she still dresses corny from time to time in these little funky shirts that could be fly if she knew how and what to rock them with. And most of the time I see her, she is not wearing pants that express the beauty and roundness of her ass, which turns me on. She has started wearing hair pieces now, which I do not like a woman who doesn’t wear her natural hair. She doesn’t exactly dress her kids like I would like them to be dressed probably because she can’t afford it. Her job as an assistant manager at a bank probably wouldn’t bring in enough income for all five of us to survive in N.Y. And I just found out that her two boys aren’t doing well in school, which means if they move here, they are probably gonna be dummies and have to be living with us for the rest of their lives.

After I spent a weekend with Lauren, I was really thinking about marriage and asking all these questions. I think that I am not in love with her. I love many things about her, but I am not in love with her anymore. The love could grow which is why I want to live together for a year before just jumping into marriage. I feel in love with her before, but it went away.

I was talking to my one frat brothers about the meeting of his wife and what not. He said that his marriage was more than just love. Marriage is a job, and a business decision. When he said that, something snapped in my head. He is right, it is a business decision. And me marrying Lauren or Sausha would not be a good business decision at this time in my life because they can’t really help my bottom line on the business end of things. I also thought that I only really think of them when I am horny from not having sex in a week or two. After I have sex with them, I’m alright for another week. I think that l love Sausha more than Lauren, but Sausha doesn’t have that good pussy that Lauran has.

I’m steady trying to find me a real woman here who has a real job and a real life who wants a real man, but I haven’t had any luck. I don’t know, but last night I was thinking about Sausha real heavy because I haven’t seen her in like a month. I believe it is my loneliness that drives me to think heavily about them. I think that my loneliness will eventually drive me to being with one of them. I’m trying to put up a good fight, but I’m losing the battle. I don’t want to struggle with someone else’s kids, but these are the only women I have in my life.

That bullshit about a man can have any woman he wants is turning out to be just that, BULLSHIT. A man can’t have a woman if she doesn’t want him or if she already has a man. Or in the case of N.Y., if she is too scared to take a chance and meet someone who talks to her while she is out shopping. It’s the women who have all the control. Sometimes they give up that control to a man who has money, power, status, but for the average guy like me, they have all the control. I don’t seem to have anything these women in N.Y. want. For one, I look too young. I know that is the main problem. Lauren wanted me and she got me. I wanted Lynaye, Veronique, Lynette, and I still am messing with Lauren who wanted me. I have never had a woman I really wanted besides Samantha in 12^th grade. I wanted us to happen, and we did, and we were in love. Our love got interrupted by race.

Jrnl Entry No. 3.3.2000

Well I spoke with Lauren last night about us getting together. She said that everything was fine just the way it is. She wanted to be with me but I am in N.Y. and she is moving to Virginia. She basically said that she doesn’t want to move here. I am not moving to Richmond, Virginia. Shit for all that I may as well have not left Warren, Ohio. So I guess that is the end of that thought. I won’t ask her again; I may not even talk to her anymore; just stay away from he and get her out of my system.

Sausha wrote me a letter talking about stay away from her until I’m sure about her coming to live with me and us being together. So I’ll stay away from her too. I really don’t want to be with her. She has a lot of growing to do, and I can’t wait on her to grow. I’m grown and know what I want.

So here I am once again hoeless. I’m not going to fuck Rebecca’s fat ass anymore neither. When I go home, my time will be completely dedicated to my daughter. I called her mom last night and she said that she was going out of town this week, which is probably a lie, but fuck her, I ain’t stressin’ her no more about seeing my daughter. She wants to keep me away from my daughter so be it. So I guess it will be just me and Kathy until I find someone else who better suits my taste.

Fuck the thought of getting with Rhonda. I just have to realize that I moved and I left that town behind. I can’t expect to build a relationship from 400 miles away. I also need to realize that besides good pussy and good looks that Lauren, Rhonda, nor Sausha have anything to offer me. They don’t have degrees or careers. Well Lauren does have a history with bookkeeping now, and that could turn into a nice salary later on, which is why she is the number one prospect of the bunch. But Lauren doesn’t want to be with me, which is no big deal. LAUREN! You think you are punishing me; secretly getting revenge or whatever, No you are not! What you are actually doing is giving me the opportunity to find someone better than you because you are in no way the top cream of the crop. I am just used to you and like you a lot because I know you. But when it really comes down to it you are the one, and you are not the one; there is a balance. You are giving me the chance to really find the one totally; career, good looks, good sex, and less or no kidz to take care of. I would like to be with you, but if not, HEY! You know me, I’ll maintain and stay up.

Kathy is cool, a law student, kind of intelligent, but her Hip Hop knowledge is limited which I don’t like. She didn’t know who Redman and Keith Murry was when they showed their faces in the movie “Ride.” She is also very skinny too. She probably doesn’t wear thong underwear. I ain’t got time to be telling another woman about wearing thongs or complaining about her underwear. If she is not a freak, it is not gonna get far. She is the most promising girl I’ve ever talked to. A lawyer salary won’t be bad together with mine in the future. We could have some things. She seems to like me. I guess that is how it goes; the people who like you, you don’t like; the people you like, don’t like you.

I think the reason why I was thinking about Lauren so tough anyway was because of those pictures. I put them in my bathroom mirror. I would love to have that ass walking around in my house permanently but it looks like that is not gonna take place. I think I will keep them there though to remind me of the type of ass that I want. I find myself talking to women like Kathy that I don’t necessarily like. I just be horny and talk to the first woman I can who doesn’t look bad and who is not fat.

I need to get this under control. From this point on I’m not gonna talk to any woman unless I really like most things about her at first sight. I’ve been going crazy here in N.Y. trying to talk to women. I am not gonna stress it anymore. I’ve been going out to bars and to malls trying to meet women. I met a few but they never called me. I called them and they were never home. So fuck trying to meet women here. If I meet one I do; if I don’t I don’t.

Lauren just called me at work and told me that she told her manager she wanted to transfer to VA. I asked her one more time would she come here, and she said her kidz are too little. See bitches always got an excuse for when a nigga is really serious with they asses. She has been stressing me for years to be with her. She actually talked about moving to N.Y. when we were together in our happy days. Now when it is possible, and everything could come together, she has an excuse. That is why women can’t be president because when they think they are so independent, they are still actually not able to go completely on their own with no support system and live for themselves, by themselves. Lauren just said that when she gets married she doesn’t want to be near her family. She has family in VA. Here in N.Y. we would be by ourselves with no family for 6 hours and 400 miles away. Yet, she has an excuse of why she doesn’t want to come here. Look at me, I guess I really think I want her in my life. Maybe I do at this point. She would probably make me happiest, but fuck it.

I’m gonna chill with Kathy this weekend, or maybe go out with the girl I met outside Justin’s on Tuesday night. She called me last night because I paged her and said that she would call me today at work or leave a message at my home. I ain’t going out to no clubs. I ‘ll have to figure out another way to meet women. I guess you can’t meet girls at a club, or at least I haven’t been so successful with it. I guess my car isn’t big enough.

HAVE YOU IN YOUR LIFE HAD TROUBLE MEETING MEN/WOMEN, TALKING AND GOING ON DATES?