Jrnl Entry No. 10.3.2003

So I’ve decided to put my own album out. This industry is a trip. No one is willing to help you out to let you in and that is the bottom line. I would say that getting into this shit is like hitting the lottery for a small jackpot, and once you spend that up you are ass out cause most niggaz just get a little money and then go broke in the game. I got good product, so I think, so I’m gonna get a few MCs that I know and get them to record my songs. I’ve been listening to this shit for 17 years, dreaming about getting into it for 15 years, and actually trying to make my dreams come true for five years.

For the five years that I’ve been trying to make my dreams come true, I have seen none to very little results. I got a call back from Black Rob about a beat tape I gave him like when I first got to New York, right around the same time he was coming down off of his “WHOA”, one hit wonder, high. He called me and left a message. I called him back left a message. I called him back and left another message. I approached him on the street about our calls to each other, and I haven’t heard from him since or called him. I’m not calling nobody else who claims to be in the music industry. I’ma put out my own shit and try to promote steady and hard, THE ONLY CHILD! I’ma see if I can get some niggaz to call me. I feel like I know what it takes to make a good album, or I should know from listening to all the albums I have at home, so I’m gonna give my knowledge a go. If my knowledge doesn’t show me any results, then maybe I’ll quit.

I’ve tried everything: handing out beat tapes to rappers with deals (Talib Kweli, Raekwon, Black Rob, Lord Have Mercy, Rampage, Rah Digga, Graig Mack, DJ Clue, Skane, The Hood Fellaz.) I’ve tried to go out and meet people to talk to them to see who and what they know and if they could connect me to anyone. I’ve tried not handing out my beat CDs unless we have a face to face second meeting. I’ve given my stuff to people who work for Bad Boy (Damon Eden, Hen-Roc). I’ve given my stuff to people who work at Violator (Andre Neal). I’ve tried hanging out with so-called rappers who know a lot of people and who get into any club or big party in New York for free (Metaphor, Combination). I’ve tried making a connection with a guy from the town I went to college in, Youngstown, guy by the name of Rufus who had an album out under Chad Elliot and Al West; album called, “Credentials” He works at Ark Angel studio with a guy by the name of Prince Charles Alexander who is a mixer/engineer in the industry and has mixed for Mary J Blige, Faith Evans, Angie Stone, etc. Rufus writes R&B songs. He wrote”Jumpin Jumpin” for Destiny’s Child. He wrote a song for Angie Stone on her second album. He never put me on to anyone in the business. SoI’m through with all that shit.

I am __ years old and I have been dreaming about getting into the music industry since I was __ years of age and that many years is a long time to be dreaming. I’m gonna try to give it one last hard go and if that doesn’t work, I’m quittin’! I will hang up the towel and just face the fact that I wasn’t meant to be the next Dr. Dre or Pharrell of the Neptunes, or Pete Rock, or DJ Premier, or Timbaland, or just any no name album filler producer. I will let the dream die with the thought that, “I gave it a serious try.” Trying is worth something after all, right? I think it is because if you never try you will never know if you could have made it or not. It seems as if I can’t make it, so hey.

It also seems I can’t make it with relationships also. My two relationships with women who had three kids were great it seemed, as if they could last forever. My relationship with a 24 year old with one kid, a good job, sexy, stylish, etc., it is falling apart also. We recently moved in together and I notice that she doesn’t pay attention to me and that she rarely wants to have sex. She often ignores little words or things I say to her. I can say “BOO!”. Instead of her saying, “was that suppose to scare me?” she’ll say nothing, look at me like I’m stupid and go on about her way. I can’t be in a relationship like that. I’m not too worried about it because I still look good, bitches still give me eyes. But what if I didn’t look good, we __ or older and I still find myself not being able to get along with a bitch? I would have to deal with it, but that really wouldn’t be a good situation to be in. I don’t know where my life is headed right now and where I’ll land because it seems that at the rate this relationship is goin, it’s not gonna have a happy ending. But I guess in the end, all will work out how it was meant to be. Right now I’m meant to be in New York, broke, no job, not many friends, no where to go exciting, not too interested in fucking with all these sexy bitches in this city for fear of catching aids because condoms ain’t my thang.

Maybe it’s meant for me to put this album out and the shit blows up. The way I want to do is promote like a big label album with big posters and flyers. I want to promote in Chicago, LA, Detroit, Cleveland, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Buffulo New York, and possibly Canada. Maybe that is my fate. I can remember when I was little around the house in Warren in the Highland Terrace Projects with my two aunts buying and listening to 45s. I think the music got into me from way back then. I guess looking at my life just in general, you never know what is affecting you and how it is affecting you until years down the road and look back on it.

Like now at age __, I’m starting to think that fucking at the age of 13 and having a girlfriend at 14 – 16 and having lots and lots of sex, having a girlfriend at age 17-18 and having lots and lots of sex, having two girlfriends at age 20 – 24 and having double lots and lots of sex, having a girlfriend from age 24 – 26 and having lots and lots of sex. All that sex at such an early age has left my sex drive at this point kinda low I think. My dick doesn’t get as hard as it used to. I’m not excited about it as I used to be. I see all kind of bitches in New York City that I could try to and probably make it fucking around with them, but I don’t have the desire. For the first time in my life being single or having a girlfriend, I turned down some pussy from an 18 year old at that. I didn’t turn down Carmel when she met me at a gas station on Wednesday and I was over her house on Friday night fucking her. She was white and fat. She wasn’t thick. She was fat. I didn’t turn her down though. And it turned out that on her back she would fuck you to death, wiggle that ass around so much, you’d think she was having a seizure. She wouldn’t let me fuck her any other way but missionary. But that was some good missionary pussy. I turned down an 18 year old who I was two days away from fucking if I had hung in there. Many guys don’t start fucking until age 16, 17 and even then they still don’t have as much sex as I did from age 14 to 16 until either they move out of their parents home, in with a girlfriend, or until they are married. Now, I’m feeling the effect of that. But thank god they have created Viagra, a get your dick hard and stay hard pill. I’m not ready for Viagra yet though. Hopefully, if I keep exercising, and keep my blood circulation up, I won’t ever need it. At age __, I started a little exercise program. I started with just running just one lap around a ¼ mile track and stopping for breath and rest. At age __, I’m up to a whole mile straight and I guess the ¼ mile and whole miles will just keep growing and growing.

I have a job interview on Monday with this company of god knows when I sent them my resume. I came to the library to look them up on the internet but the internet is down. I need a job badly right now. My girlfriend Watrina has been nice so far but she won’t be always, especially with my attitude and her attitude clashing against each others. I don’t know what the problem is. We are two beautiful people who should be able to see that we can have a bright future together and we should be trying to preserve that future in advance, but it seems as if we are not. Maybe she doesn’t think that I am beautiful, or maybe she is trying to tear me down or break me down from thinking so highly of myself. Maybe she knows that I have labeled her as my only girl with all the right credentials so she feels she can do what she wants to do and treat me like she wants whether I like it or now. Well she can’t and she will find that out soon enough as Victoria did.

I think Victoria thought that since I had her baby that I was obligated to stay with her, or that I had a new job and was afraid of child support. She tried ignoring me and not giving me sex and you see where she is at. I just don’t respond to that threat of no sex well, and I probably never will. Watrina says I only pay attention to her when I want sex. And so it has been since we moved in together that half the time I have made an advance for it she has turned me down. She turned me down the morning before she was to go on a trip out of town for her job where this guy she thought was gay, whom she eventually ending up liking and going to dinner with him, was gonna be. She got home from her trip and diddn’t have very much to say to me. She got up this morning and didn’t say anything to me. It’s heading toward where we are just gonna be living together and not talking, just sleeping in the same bed or she will sleep with her daughter until I leave. I will try not to leave but I don’t think my ego will allow me to stay with a bitch who seems to be ignoring me. So I’ll see what happens with my relationship.

I’ll see what happens with this album thing. I’m see what happens with life and my future because right now it doesn’t seem to be bright in no aspect. If I didn’t have my daughter, and things were this bad, I’d probably kill myself. But then again, my daughter is a reason why things are this bad so maybe without her they wouldn’t be so bad. And just in case something should happen to her and this is getting read in court: I don’t want my daughter to go away. I love her very much. Sure, things would probably be better if she went away but I wouldn’t have a part in her going away. I don’t wish her away. I’m just looking at the reality of what I think the situation would be if she wasn’t here. I think people would be lying to themselves if they didn’t think about the best and worse case scenarios of their lives with and without their present situations. Like what if you weren’t married to that fat bitch who was so fine and beautiful in her 20s but as soon as the 30s hit and the second kid came along, her ass went south. Now you don’t look at her the way you used to. You are only there because you are used to her, probably too old and fat yourself to get another finer bitch, and you don’t have the power and money to survive child support, alimony and the demands of a hotter sweeter, and maybe younger bitch. And of course, yeah, you love her too. THINK ABOUT IT!

Jrnl Entry No. 3.13.2000

I don’t feel like working today. I feel alright but I just kind of feel like being at home in the bed for the morning. The weekend weather was terrible, cold like it’s supposed to be. The four days before the weekend were like 60 degrees, and then Friday it turned cold all of sudden.

I went home this weekend to see my daughter, I hadn’t seen her in like a month and a half. I thought that I was going to have trouble out of her getting comfortable because she hadn’t see me in what I thought was a long time, but I was wrong. She jumped right in calling me daddy and everything as if we hadn’t skipped a beat. She is getting to the point now where she is telling me that she is hungry, and her stomach hurt. She is potty trained. She didn’t want to go to sleep Friday night, up complaining that her leg hurt, and her back hurt, and that she was hungry. I caught on to the game and told her to lay down and go to sleep and I started ignoring her phony cries. She finally went to sleep after about ten minutes of whining. I told my mom that it’s time to start showing her some tough love, to stop giving in to her cry. Just tell her to get in the bed and go to sleep like I had to do Saturday night when she wanted to stay u when it was like 2 A.M. and I was on the phone. I told her to lay down and go to sleep. She went to sleep after about twenty minutes of lying there with her eyes open. I had a good time with her as always. She is growing up on me.

Well I guess it over between Lauren and I. I told her before she left to go to VA that it seems as if she was probably not trying to come here and move with me. I am not gonna let her just string me along so I told her that I don’t want to talk to her anymore. I called her in VA on Friday and she had an attitude and wouldn’t let me apologize. She said I had wasted my time calling so I just hung up.

I hadn’t planned on seeing Sausha but she called my house and was talking to my mom. She called later that night and told my mom for me to call her. I called and she asked me were we really through cause if so, she was going to the movies with someone else. I didn’t say anything about it. We got off the phone because I was over my cousin’s house and her mom called.

I went and seen “Any Given Sunday” starring Jamie Foxx, Al Pachino, Lawrence Taylor, LL Cool J, Bill Belamy, Lele Rachon, James Woods, etc. It was a pretty good movie, three hours long, but good. I seen it at the $1.50 show. I went by myself since I’m trying to cut my Warren women off.

I went over Sausah’s house Sunday before I left. I got over there about three O’clock. She was acting funny but I didn’t mind. I seen a little letter over there say “Michael, I miss you and I’m horny. Come and see me next time you come home. I need a dose of what only you can give me.” I didn’t go over there with my dick hard expecting to have sex with her. It would have been nice if we could have made love but she was acting funny, and plus she was looking her normal around the house unsexy self. I tried to make a few minor moves but she was resisting. I got up and left at about 5:30 P.M. When I left and said “I’ll see you,” she didn’t say anything. I left and was on my way to my new home in N.Y.

I think I’ll cut Kathy off this week. She is not exactly attracting me, and it doesn’t seem like she is exactly trying to give up the pussy so I don’t need her in my life trying to make me work for three months to get some ass. I got Saudia to try and work on, but she works odd hours so that probably won’t work out. I think I’m gonna try and hook up with her and do a song though. I’ve come to a conclusion that I’m not talking to any more cancers because we are not compatible.

Lauren is trying to pay me back for not being with her when she really loved me with all her heart. Victoria is tryin’ to pay me back for things that I said to her that she thought were disrespectful. She thinks that my family spoils me and lets me do what I want; therefore she is not gonna let me see my child like I want, but only how she wants. Saudia is a cancer and I ain’t dealing with no more of them.

I think I need a Pisces in my life. Caroline is a Pisces and her husband to be is a Leo like I am. She says that he likes her to be sexy like I like my women to be sexy, and she has no problem with it. Melonie was a Pisces and I could tell that she was a sexy little thang. So probably if I meet a Pisces who dressed sexy, with some good pussy, and a good steady job, there I will have it, like my perfect mate. Sausha is an Aquarius, and Kathy is Virgo. Virgos are like shy and freaky and they will let it out at certain times. I need a, let it all hang out kind of freaky, you know what I mean, which I probably will only get from a Cancer, but I don’t like Cancer attitudes and Cancer don’t like Leo attitudes.

I think I’m gonna cut faces out of them pictures that Lauren took for me and mail to my cousin in jail. I don’t need that shit around my house if she is not gonna be with me. I guess now I’ll be on a calm search for a woman I really want. I’ll probably find someone to fuck in the meantime, but if not, fuck it, I’ll just chill.

Jrnl Entry No. 3.6.2000

Well I talked to Lauren over the weekend, and she said that she was giving consideration to moving here with me. I guess I would like to see if it could be like it was when I fell in Love with her. She was so sweet to me; we went places and did things. She’s going Wednesday to VA to go see about her uncle so she says, and to look into an apartment. I have a feeling that she is not going to come here with me. She told me that her kidz say they don’t want to move here. They want to move to VA. I told her like I told Sausha: kids will adjust.

I didn’t do much this weekend. Friday I was with Kathy after work, and went to some free jazz shit at the Modern Museum of Art which was pretty cool. We went back to her apartment after that. One of her roommates was having a party. She didn’t want to attend, but I told her that since we were there, we may as well go out there to have a couple of drinks and chat for a while. She wanted to go back to her room so we did after about twenty minutes of sitting out there listening to talk about Law School at Columbia and NYU.

We went back to her room and watched T.V. I noticed she doesn’t have a pleasant looking ass, and that she doesn’t wear thongs, which was kind of turning me off a little. Her ass would probably look nice if she let it loose from those little girl panties that she wears. I like her lips though. But ultimately, she is wack and I can’t have her. I sat in her room until 2 A.M. We got to kissing before I left. I was going to go after the ass, but she was grabbing my hand when I put it up her shirt talking about she was ticklish. So I stopped and got ready to go home.

Saturday I stayed in the house all day until six when I went to The Garden State Plaza Mall in Jersey to go and get some batteries for my watches. The one Romeo bought me for graduation, I dropped it at a Biggie Smalls concert, and it hasn’t worked since. I never took the time to get a battery for it or go and get it checked out. I thought something else was wrong with it since I had dropped it, but turns out it just needed a battery. I bought another watch after that one broke, a Kenneth Cole Watch. So now I have two watches; a Seiko and a Kenneth Cole. Both are pretty nice watches, but the ultimate watch that I want to get around my wrist is a Mavado. Everyone, especially rappers go crazy over Rolex with diamonds in it. Rolex aren’t anything special but a name and a price, but Mavado has a unique look to it like it should cost what you pay for it.

Sunday I didn’t do anything but go to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I cooked at around 7 P.M., a boneless rib piece, some potatoes, and corn. I ate and started watching Surviving The game with Ice Tee and Charles S. Dutton. I called Lauren for a second time around 12 A.M. I gets lonely in that apartment, and need someone there or someone to talk to. I guess that is why I have been trying to get someone to move in with me.

I haven’t had any luck with New York girls and starting relations with them so I gots to resort back to home. I would love to have Lauren around with her little sexy self. But if she doesn’t move with me them I guess I will just chill and wait to find a girl in N.Y. I’m not gonna get back with Sausha because that is not what I really want. She is lacking in a lot of areas as far as I am concerned. She seems strong and ready to move on with her life, so I’ll let her.

I started a melody to a song on Saturday with the guitar instrument off one of my disk. It’s gonna be like a slow beat, kind of funky. I think I should just follow my heart when it comes to creating songs, and stop being concerned with what is playing on the radio, and what the hottest rappers like DMX and Jay Z are blowing up with. If what’s in my heart doesn’t get me to where I want to be in Hip Hop, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. If I don’t get any production deals or if I don’t find a job that I’m interested in paying me well, I’ll probably move from New York. This place ain’t worth the head ache. I’ll probably move to Atlanta and live a simple life; that is probably when my production career will kick off if it doesn’t kick off in New York. I’ll probably always keep the dream alive of being a producer. I’m gonna go home today and finish that song I started or get most of it done.

I probably won’t call Lauren today since she says I am calling more than I have ever called. I wonder does she know what she was doing when she let me take those pictures. Maybe she did or maybe she didn’t, but whatever the case, I have them in my bathroom mirror, and I look at them and just think how nice it would be to have her by my side the way we used to be. I think I will give that advice out to women. If you want to keep yourself on a man’s mind, let him take some sexy pictures of you in thongs and what not. He will never forget you. Well he could forget you if he has a woman walking around the house on a regular in thongs providing him with good sex like how I had Rebecca; I had forgotten all about Lauren. It wasn’t until I was single again that I thought about Lauren again. But I thought I was over Lauren completely, but as you see I am not, and I guess I never will be, and with the pictures, I will probably never ever forget about her.

My dad is over 50 years old, and told me a story about a woman he used to date that he lost touch with when he moved to Florida from Warren. He says he still has thoughts about that woman. I will probably be like that about Lauren if she doesn’t come to stay with me. Sure I will move on, but in the back of mind will always be Lauren. I hope I don’t have to live like that. Most people do, and as fate will have it, I probably will too.

Jrnl Entry No. 2.10.2000

I do not like a woman who is not ambitious and adventurous. Why do I say this you wonder, just out the blue huh? Well last night I was talking to Rhonda on the phone and she was talking about coming to see me in like April, and she was talking about how I would still be working. She said she wouldn’t go anywhere by herself even if I gave her directions because she is a woman, and I guess women aren’t strong enough to find their way out on their own for the first time in NYC by themselves. That right there told me that she and N.Y. would not get along because she would be afraid to move anywhere. I already got a feeling that she thinks she is too clean to ride the train. So I gues that ends my thoughts of being with her soon.

I have sort of come to the conclusion that I should leave Ohio in Ohio and start a new New York life on a search for a New York wife. I feel that I love Sausha and could live with her, but bringing her three kidz and her to New York will not work out especially how I’m tryin’ to live. I want us to work and not depend on the system for anything. She is used to depending on the system. She works from time to time, and at times she doesn’t work because she knows that she has the system there to back her up. Really she needs the system to back her up with three kidz and no father present. I don’t think she would ever be able to make it here in N.Y. unless she worked two, three jobs and was tired and frustrated all the time. I don’t want my life to be that way. So I think I am going to tell her that I live her, but her moving here would be a big burden on my shoulders that I am not trying to carry right now.

I’ll probably keep talking to Rhonda to see what she wants to do, which will probably be nothing. I know for a fact that once she actually sees this place, she will never be willing to move her and her daughter here. And I think that Rhonda and I have known each other too long and feel that we can say anything to each other, get smart with each other and that is O.K. Like last night I asked her did she have the Genuine CD, and she said, “no, should I?” Now I was saying to myself that smart remark was totally uncalled for. Her and I talk cool when we are not really tryin’ to get together. I guess it’s only meant for us to be friends. I mean I’ve had her clothes off three times in my lifetime and my dick didn’t get hard either time. Yeah, I’ll just take my time with her, and I’m gonna tell Sausha that I want to take my time with her also, and which ever works out works out. If neither works out that will be fine also.

I will keep my eyes open on the New York Streets for something beautiful coming my way. I was going to go to this talent show at this college to try and meet a girl. But I said forget it because like I’ve said before, it’s time to move from the twenty one to twenty three year olds and move toward the twenty six to twenty eight year olds; a sexy young beautiful thang my age; a real woman, doing real things you know.

I’m seriously thinking about just taking Sausha in. I can’t stop thinking about her. At this point in our lives we would probably get along the best. Maybe I should sacrifice being selfish for what I want and really give her the push that she needs to be the woman that she wants to be. I know she is willing to work. She is not gonna leave me hangin’ takin care of her kidz. She tries to satisfy me. I can tell that someone like Rhonda will have attitudes sometimes and be like fuck me. I don’t think she will let me fuck half the time that I want to. Like she said on the phone one day, she ain’t gonna be lettin’ no man abuse her body. And I think that she is already set in her ways and got things she won’t do. See with Sausha she will be getting set in her ways with me, not without me.

Rhonda is set in her ways without me. She will have to learn to satisfy me, and from her attitude just by talkin’ to her, she doesn’t seem too concerned with learning to satisfy a man. She is playing hard like she doesn’t care about a man right now. I mean after I told her that I think about her a lot, and that I would like to try and work on a relationship with her, she really gave me no response. She hasn’t been thinkin’ about me. She’s tryin’ to be all cool like “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” I don’t think Rhonda will ever get to the point of loving me like I want a woman to love me. She has probably been through it all with Parker, and now she is hardcore. This nigga had kidz while she was still with him, and bitches knockin’ at his door while she was there. So now she has a hard heart. I ain’t got time to be tryin’ to soften her heart.

You know really, I don’t know what I want to do. That is what I will tell Sausha is that I don’t know what to do. I just can’t rush into her and the kidz moving here and how we are gonna make it together. She should understand that; after all, they ain’t my kidz.

It’s the next day and I went to the talent show at Adelphi University in Long Island. There are a lot of good looking girls at Adelphi. I met up with Silvia, a girl I met there once before. She called me once but never again because she says she lost my number. I told her she stopped calling because I told her I had a daughter. She seems like she would be a lot of fun. She likes to dance. Every time I looked she was on the dance floor. She is also beautiful, to me that is. You know many people have many versions of what beautiful is. She is thick like I like. There is one problem with thickness; thickness can never have a kid because it is already on the verge of fat, and a baby will just blow that verge to being light weigh obese, and I can’t deal with obesity.

I also met this girl who says she is about to graduate and is going to graduate school because she wants to make six figures. I hope she is getting some job experience to go with all these degrees that she is trying to get. It is a whole different world out here than anyone can imagine. I’m finding that out now that I am living on my own. Maybe with an MBA in hand, she can make six figures. I don’t really like her, but I think it will be nice to talk to someone who has some real traditional plans for success not dreams like I have, and dreams like Latonia has of becoming a famous choreographer.

Today I’m going to get a view of Big Pun’s body in the Bronx. He had madd skills like an MC is supposed to. I liked him. He had a very good first album that sold platinum. His new album will probably be on some bullshit because the whole Hip Hop world is on some bullshit now tryin’ to sell a bunch of records. White people control the world, and they are controlling the Hip Hop world as well. Maybe this is not the case but I know the Hip Hop I’ve been hearing lately is not impressing me.

Swiss Beats is a good producer, but he is staying within a niche, which I hate it when producers do that; the same with DJ Premier. Everybody thinks he is like the Hip Hop producer God. He uses the same formula for everyone’s songs that he do. Sample a noise two, three times and flip the sample back and forth in a musical way over a hardcore beat. I applaud Swiss Beats for being original, be he really is not being original because it sounds like each new song is a sample of the last one.

MCs are watering down their lyrics like DMX, screaming and hollering about the same ole shit. Jay Z just free styles on the mic and he sounds like it. I’ve said it before that his first album was the best lyrically; classic lyrics! He sales two million right out the box so he doesn’t care anymore, and got the nerve to be sayin’ on some song I heard that he is still hungry. Pharoah Monch, now that is a hungry MC. He gets second runner up for best album of the year, The Roots get first both for their album and the live album.

Big Pun’s first album was a great of all time; not because he is dead, or because it went platinum, but simply because it just was. It was a real Hip Hop album mixed with a little bit of mass appeal, but not enough to distort it. For example: Busta Rhymes album “Extinction Level Event”. At the first listen I was sick with all the songs he had on it to try and grab mass appeal. He had all those bounce and party songs on it, and Bone Thugs and Harmony rap alike songs, I didn’t want to hear it again. One bounce song I can do with, but he had two or three too many. And for what? The album only sold as much as the one with “Put Your Handz Where My Eyes Can See” did, which had no bounce songs on it.

I seen Darren Lighty’s name on a song of Will Smith’s album with Kay Gee of Naughty By Nature. My frat brother says he lives next door to him. Darren could be my key to becoming a producer for real. But I bet you Cultcher is just gonna bullshit me. He probably will never talk to Darren and give him that tape I sent him, and that is even if does live next door to him. I’ll see.

Living here for seven months, I’ve discovered that New York is bullshit. You can never make enough money in this bitch. Your car gets all scratched up on the street somehow. I’m accumulating scratches little by little. You can’t drive anywhere during the day because of traffic and cabs and shit. Any outing that you may want to partake in is gonna cost you thirty to forty dollars. The bitches are bullshit: either they got a boyfriend, they scared to get to know you, or they just ignore you when you try and talk to them. They are nice to look at, but they won’t even let you get close enough in trying to get to know them to kiss em let alone fuck. Most black women in the city are busted, wearing weave thinkin’ they are cute when all they really got is a big ass and maybe tidies to go with it. But yet in still, I can’t return back to Warren, OH. If I move to Atlanta that will be too far away from my daughter. I want to maintain a relationship with her. Hell, her mom may move in a couple of years. I’ll wait and see.

I’m too timid to talk to people when I see em about me being a producer. I got to break myself from that and just start kickin’ it to whoever when I get the opportunity. I had the opportunity to talk to Biz, Lord Finesse, Grand Puba, Red Alert, U-God, Kool Keith, Big Kap; and I didn’t take advantage of none of those opportunities.

I really don’t know what I am going to do about a woman, about my money situation, about my music. I’m not confused on these subjects. It’s just that things aren’t going the way, even half the way I planned them. Then again, I didn’t plan anything really. I just moved hoping something would fall into place. Thing haven’t fallen into place, nor are about to fall apart, but the thread is coming out of the seam.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.26.2000

O.K. So I went to warren. I said that I would not bother Sausha because it would lead her on. I couldn’t resist though. I wanted to see her. I do still care for her, but at this point and time in my life, she is like a burden to be in a relationship with. Maybe we’ll just be close friends. I didn’t care if we made love or not, but you know once you get there and you’re alone, why not try.

So I got there Friday and went to her house. We sat on the couch and talked and I could tell she was trying to stay as distant away from me as she possibly could. I stayed away for a little while also. After about two hours I started trying to touch her. She resisted and she kept on resisting, and it seemed like she was getting mad so I stopped at about 4 A.M. and went home.

I’m not confused about what I want. The problem is that what I want is like in four different girls: Sausha has the niceness that I like and good smooth runnin attitude. Lauren has the nice round ass and good pussy that I want. Rhonda has the beauty and style that I want. Rebecca has the freakiness that I want.

I was supposed to go and see Sausha on Saturday but she wasn’t home or wasn’t answering her phone. I called and went over there Sunday. I was at it again tryin’ to make love to her, but she was still resisting me. After about two hours I put my head in between her legs while she still had her jeans on. She was still resisting but not as hard as before. After about 15 mins of her resisting I got her pants down enough to just run my tongue across her clitoris. She was getting into it, but still tried resisting a little. She gave in and let me take her pants off.

I was eating that sweet pussy so nicely. I hadn’t eaten pussy in about three months. I stopped eating and gave her the dick. She was loving it and loving me so much that she started crying and she told me to stop. I stopped. I started kissing on her breast and her body after a couple of minutes, and then I went down for some more dinner. I ate until she burst into a shaking coming frenzy. I gave her the dick again, and she was totally into it by then and we made love. It felt so good to me.

I started realizing how much I miss her and love her. Yes I love her but I can’t take care of her and her three kidz even with her on the help out, especially in New York. I can’t live in Ohio again for no reason except maybe to look after my mom if she gets deadly ill. I don’t know, maybe I’ll keep a distant relationship with her until she gets her life together when she can really help the relationship without all the worry about her life situation; that could take five years.

I’ve been searching for a woman in New York, but haven’t had any luck on finding a real woman to talk to. Latonia seems like a real woman but I don’t know yet. I’m broke, I don’t have a woman, I can’t go anywhere and do nothing. I go home from work, sit there and nod off to sleep or watch T.V. I haven’t been inspired in the last two weeks to do a track. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but spending money. My dreams are far from materializing.

I need some advice about what to do about Sausha. I need some advice about my passion to become a producer. I don’t see anywhere in the near future a big raise in pay to help me out the situation I’m in now. I have a $5,800 credit card bill which will never get paid off. When I pay my car off, I can start paying off the credit card bill, and then I can start saving up for a house. Hopefully by that time I’ll have a real woman who can help me with all this shit because alone I’m fucked. I’m not making it so well out here, I’m just driving myself deeper and deeper into debt.

My music is the only thing that will help me, and that ain’t promised. I guess I’m gonna be fucked for life. I want to get my balls clipped with my income tax money. I need to pay the crew back for studio expense with my income tax money. I need to pay some money on my credit card bill with my income tax money. My income tax money is not gonna stretch and do all of that. Hell, I may have to end up paying taxes. Taxes are a bitch, just take all your money. It’s a god damn shame.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.21.2000

Today in New York was the first snow fall of the winter. I guess I better buy me a shovel soon because the snow plows around here come and just pile snow right up against your car parked on the street and leave your car stuck if you don’t have a shovel to dig yourself out.

I have stopped worrying about my bills so much and money that I don’t have. If need be, I’ll just get one month behind on my rent, which will probably be cool since the landlord already has the last months rent anyway.

I’m starting to get lonely in my apartment all alone with no one to talk to on the phone even to tell myself “I should be fuckin by this date.” I’ve met like about six girls and we exchanged numbers and what not but no one has called. Me and the one girl from the Bronx were talking pretty fine then all of a sudden she stopped talking to me, putting me off when I’d call her. This one girl named Nicole or Francine called me one time and we talked for like two hours, but I haven’t heard from her since. I called the number she gave me and asked for Nicole, someone said that no Nicole lived there. I’ve been calling and asking for Francine and Francine is never there according to whoever picks up the phone. I met this dance instructor, choreographer, etc and she seemed pretty cool. I seen her dance at the Kit Kat Club for the crowd by the DJ both , and I was turned on by it. I have paged her twice and she has not called me back. Maybe she is busy.

I don’t have time to be chasing hoes all over town and trying to spend whatever little time they have to spare to spend with me. If a bitch doesn’t have time to spend quality time with me then fuck her. Like with Melonie, she didn’t want to spend time alone with me and she just stopped calling me so fuck her. I ain’t doin’ nuttin wrong so I don’t know what I’m gonna do about my pussy situation. The only pussy I can get is in Ohio and maybe some in Syracuse, but fuck that shit. That is one of the reasons why I moved up here so I wouldn’t have to travel an hour or two for some pussy.

I guess it’s just meant to be that way for now. I guess bitches will come when they will come. But they better not wait too late to come because if they come when I got something like a Benz or some money in my pocket from music. I will just nut in their mouth and send them walking out of my house to catch the train or cab. I mean if hoes won’t be nice and be with me while I’m just a regular good looking guy, then why should I be nice to them when they talkin’ to me just because I look good in a Benz.

I can’t believe these pussy ass people in New York. A little snow fall which will probably only accumulate about four inches at the most, and they let us go home from work early. I mean all that up on your ass blowin’ the horn and shit in the summer time; let a little snow fall and the people are wimping up like a bunch of little bitches who just got slapped in the mouth. Today is the next day.

Last night I got a call from two young ladies that I gave my number to. I paged Latonia and she called me back. That was like my third time paging her. I wasn’t gonna call her anymore after last night. I found out from our little conversation we had that she is a Knick dancer. That is pretty cool I told her, and I told her that I liked her dancing at the club. She said it would be possible for us to meet again. She was sleepy and was about to take a nap in the dance studio where she was about to have rehearsal. She told me to call her at work today. Now Burton was like play games and don’t call her anymore until she calls me, but I’m not playin’ those games. If a hoe can’t see that I’m comin’ with the real deal holyfield, then fuck em’ they can step. That’s the game I play, “act right or act the part by yourself.” Francine also called me after I had been calling her for like three days. She’s cool and I think I may be able to work with her. I may end up liking her the most. She has that dark skin tone that I like.

Kenneth came over last night to get my key for my apartment. I guess he and his girl are going to chill there for the weekend. Now I met Kenneth and Ricardo outside of the Kit Kat Club one night when some basketball player was throwing a party. I was looking for the party earlier but I heard the wrong address on the radio. After I couldn’t find the party earlier, I went to Time Square because I wasn’t ready to go home. While out on Time Square, I sees a couple of black honeys walking down this particular street. N.Y. is just like about every other town whereas if you see a good looking black female, you better track her down because you may never see her or anyone like her for a while.

So I decides to walk down this street, and what do you know there is a great big party goin’ on at the Kit Kat Club on 43^rd St; the party I was searching for earlier. I walks up and stands by these two cool niggaz with Tims and sweats on. I say something to them after a while and I starts vibin’ with them. I picks out of their brain that the one guy was a rapper and was seriously trying to get on in the industry. I got around to tellin’ them that I was a producer and what not, and I hit them with a tape. Well, we ended up spending the rest of the night together. After we left the Kit Kat Club at about 3:30 A.M. we went and stood out in front of Club Ivy and waited for the crowd to leave. I met this shorty named Elaine that I thought I liked; turned out I didn’t, and that she wasn’t even good enough for me to fuck in my standard book. That spot is where I saw Grand Puba Maxwell hangin out by his 4.6 SE Range Rover. After we left there, I took them home and I went home.

Now I’ve been calling and talking to Ricardo on the phone, and I’ve hooked with these cats a couple of times. They seem like nice well mannered guys living with their moms and pops and just trying to make something out of they life with music or whatever. They seem trust worthy. I am trusting Kenneth with my apartment, with my T.V., my sampler. I know where they both live at. I don’t think it will be worth it for them to rob me and have to live life looking over their shoulder for me. I will kill them niggaz if they take all that I have. Maybe they think they are running a game on an Ohio Nigga who will be afraid to buck em down if shit get nignorant. I don’t think it will come to that. Them niggaz is cool. I hope all their dreams materialize so I can make some loot. I need a come up of any kind. A pay off of my car, 10 grand, or anything; just a break you know.

So since Francine and Latonia called, maybe I’ll be in some pussy within the next two weeks. Once I get some pussy, the rest of my life should just fall into place. I won’t be so bored. I can call one of my honeys over to spend the night or just to hit me off for the night and then they can go home. Then I will be energized to do other things.

I was thinking about Sausha last night. I was listening to the tape of me tearing the ass up and her making those sexy oooooooh! Michael noises, and me spanking the ass. I was thinking about going to give her some of this good dick that she said she loved so much, and to eat a little of that delicious pussy of hers. But I don’t want to lead her on, so I’ll just leave it be unless she calls me. I’ll probably bust a nut in Rebecca’s mouth tonight and then go and bust one in Lauren’s ass tomorrow night.

Yeah, I’m back to doing the same shit I was doing before with these two: fuck Rebecca during the day and fuck Lauren during the night. I wish I could just stay the hell away from both these bitches. Rebecca’s fat ass keeps on getting pregnant. I know she is not gonna have another baby because she having a hard enough time with the two she has. I shouldn’t have never started fucking with her ass again. I shouldn’t have never went and seen her. She just started sucking my dick while I was telling her that we shouldn’t be seeing each other. What can a man do when his dick is in a warm mouth; whether the mouth is a fat skinny or blind cripple and crazy bitch; he gonna submit.

I need some sex therapy or something to help me get away from these bitches. And what it is also is that when I go home, I have nothing to do, so why not go and let Rebecca suck my dick or spend the night with Lauren and bust a couple of nuts in her pussy. I would like to be messing around with Rhonda but she doesn’t have her own place.

I’ll be glad when Lauren moves to Houston. Our little relationship will die down then forever. She probably has in her head to be nice as she can possibly be, and then I will ask her to come and stay with me. Sorry baby, but those days are over. I am not feeling it like that for you anymore. I’ll probably never find me a bitch to satisfy my sexual desires; therefore, I will probably always cheat, and one day that will lead to me getting in big trouble. So I guess I won’t get married unless a woman is sucking my dick right to make me forget that Rebecca’s mouth even existed, and someone who knows how to work their ass to make me forget that Lauren existed. The Lauren part should be pretty easy, hell I forgot about her while I was with Sausha. But coming in Rebecca’s mouth will be kind of hard to forget. I may just fuck Rebecca for life. Her fat ass, she will probably find another man to abuse her. I never cared about her anymore once she started telling me how she fucked around on me. As long as I could bust a nut down her throat, in her ass, and live in her apartment, and get the sneakers and money I wanted, I was happy.

I’m about to start hittin’ up her pockets again. I’m gonna tell her that I am not makin’ it in N.Y. and need $200 to cover my bills for the month. If she gives it to me, I’ll probably try and hit her up for some cash every three months. I’ll buy me a Sean Jean valore sweat suit with that $200 to match these burgundy Tims I just got.

I really need to be spending that shit on my credit card. I’m having a hard time out here, but like I said I’m not worrying about it too much, I’m just gonna live. Whatever happens happens. I need about $400 hundred more dollars a month and I’d be straight. I probably won’t make that until the next five years. My life looks like its going to be a constant struggle to maintain. I need to stop tryin’ to keep up with the jones and stop tryin’ to look good. I mean I look good and the bitches here are still not paying any attention to me.

That is a problem with niggaz; we are always spending money on something tryin’ to get the new shit: car, gold chain, shoes, leathers. And these companies just capitalize on our asses. Like Timberland; do you think they have a white man in mind when they make a pair of yellow boots or burgundy boots and label them “Special Edition?” Them shits should say on the little tag, “Here nigga, fresh new colorful timberlands made especially just for you. Get them while supplies last.” I only bought two pair of Tims because I got like two for one. I should have passed that up, but I didn’t. I could have made do with the Tims that I have already.

This world is a bitch filled with shit that you want and desire to get all of your money. White people save money because they don’t buy into all that shit. They dress fucked up, and drive new cars and live in nice houses. We blacks want it all and we can’t seem to control ourselves from tryin’ to get it all neither. That’s us though, and we ain’t gonna change. I probably ain’t gon’ change neither. Broke as niggaz is what we are and what we will be.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.16.1999

So Melonie is wack. We went to the movies and seen Sleepy Hollow, some shit I would not have viewed in my lifetime if I hadn’t gone with her. We gets back from the movies to her apartment at a quarter to twelve because she didn’t know how to get home from the movies, which kind of pissed me off. When we reach her apartment, she makes me walk her to her door, which I wasn’t gonna do since since she wasn’t inviting me to her apartment. I gets home and calls her and she puts on this sleepy act. My whole drive home I was contemplating if I should call her or not. I decided to call to let her know I’d gotten home like she asked me to.

I didn’t talk to her Saturday because I had something to do. I calls her Sunday and ask would she like some company and she turned me down. So I’m saying to myself that was strike number two she has one more strike and she is outta here. I didn’t call her for two days after that because I was pissed at being turned down to spend time with her. I mean how am I supposed to get the panties down if they ain’t in my view or arms reach. So I calls her on Wednesday morning and leaves a message on her answering machine that I was thinking about her since I hadn’t talked to her, and that I would like to see her, and I suggested that maybe she come to my house. At about 7 P.M. that night I gets a call from her saying that she had just come from work, and that she was on her way to a skin care party so she wouldn’t be coming over my house. She said that I needed to give a couple of days notices to get together with her. I told her that I was not a give notice kind of guy.

And now all this is telling me is that this bitch is too busy to have a man. She has work and class. She doesn’t like to hook up during the week, which as I mentioned before is not a good thing. And I’m also thinking that she needs all this notice because she has to tell her other man she is doing something else. That bitch was probably going to get fucked last night and just made up that shit about the skin care party. Whatever the case, I’m like fuck her.

I gave her three chances to hook up with me, and she blew em. So I ain’t calling her any more so if she wants to hook up, its all gonna be on her to come to my house, to pay for the date or whatever, and then I might just turn her down. I hate bitches who play games, and that is all she has been doing, trying to play all innocent like and lady like: bitch is probably the biggest little hoe I’ve known since Rebecca.

I’ve told Romania at work that I like her and would like to talk to her outside of work. She said that she would think about that. That was two days ago and I haven’t heard anything from her. She can call me because she knows my extension or has access to it.

Bitches are so phony I swear. If they like you and are really attracted to you they show it. If they are not all that attracted to you, they try and make you do all this work and shit. I ain’t doin no work for no hoe. And then even if they are attracted to you, they still play games. The only game a bitch is gonna play with me is solitaire by her damn self.

Sausha has been calling me. She called me Monday and Wednesday talking like we were still together and she was over her problem with me. But I decided when I left her house that Sunday that I was through with her. I’ve said time and again that I love her and that she is a very nice girl, but her and her situation are not for me. And we have differences that in the long run would have killed the relationship anyway.

Lauren wrote me a letter that I received in the mail after I dicked her down real good on Saturday night. She was talking about why do we continue to hook up. Do we really love each other? And if we do, why aren’t we together as a family. SHEEIT! As many times as I tried to go back to her after we broke up and make things right, and all she did was play games because she had Jamelle dickin’ her down. Now I guess that nigga ain’t nowhere in sight and she wants to start talkin’ nice to me again. I don’t even feel love for her anymore. She is just a piece of good ass that I never know when I stick my dick in it. I wasn’t planning on fucking her Saturday night but it happened that way. I’ll fuck I guess until we have our next argument because she definitely can not be my wife like I thought she could have been in the past. I think I was just blinded by the lust of being able to bust a nut in her pussy and her sexy body and the way she works her ass when I fuck her.

I promise myself not to get involved with anyone who has three kidz. I can’t afford it. Them hoes shouldn’t have had all them kidz trying to be humanitarians without the fathers in it for sure. Now they stuck suffering the consequences, and I ain’t gonna be stuck with em.

I seen this girl I would have liked to get to know at The LaBar Bat on Tuesday night. She had a bad ass body, a cute face, and from her sheet of credentials being read because it was a fashion show, it sounded like she had some nice plans. I didn’t talk to her though.

From now on down if I see a bitch that I think I like, I’m just gonna talk to her and say the first words that come to mind. A bitch should know that when you ask her for her name that you are interested in getting to know her. So It’s either she is gonna want to get to know you also or she is not no matter what you say. Fuck all this holding back shit because bitches out here are desperate to meet a nice man anyway. That is what half of them are there for, to have someone talk to them. From now on its no holds bard on these hoes.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.10.1999

Its Friday. I’m sitting here at work and my dick is semi hard. I want some pussy as usual. I got a date tonight with Melonie. She says she feels comfortable around me so maybe she will be comfortable enough to wrap her lips and wet hot pussy around my dick.

Last night I finished my latest song. I started writing lyrics to it the day after I had the bass line and melody down. The song is about Hip Hop, how it shows no love to people who love it the most. And it seems like Hip Hop is leaving the real MC in a trade for Limp Biscuit. People like Jay Z and DMX who don’t take the time to come with innovative rhymes anymore like, “you coppin me like white crystal / I gross the most at the end of the fiscal year than these niggaz could wish to” (Jay Z “Dead Presidents”) He don’t say shit like that anymore. DMX never was a great lyricist, but you was eager to hear him when he was on the guest appearances with The Lox and Mase. Now his shit has played out, but yet his next album will still go platinum. The industry look at this and lives by it. If you don’t have a gimmick or this or that, they ain’t signin you. Like Nas song with Genuwine “You Owe Me” that shit is terrible, but yet I hear that people are feeling it. I guess the teenagers love shit like that. Its just a generation gap type of thing like our parents loved soul r&b music. When rap came along, some of them liked it a little, but for the most part they didn’t understand.

I am kind of anxious to see Melonie tonight. I hope he looks sexy as she did the first two times I saw her. If she invites me into her apartment and I try to get into the panties, she will probably hit me witt some bullshit like she isn’t ready yet or we haven’t went out for long enough. I tell you bitches kill me. It only takes about a week to see how a mutha fucka talkin, and for you to know if you kind of like him. I think Melonie has been giving me all kind of clues that the pussy is mine. She tells me that my voice is sexy and it’s nice to hear it. But of course all that shit really means nothing. She is probably saying that to fuck witt my head to make me think I’m gonna get some pussy, but really has no intention on giving it to me. I think I need to get me someone else to talk to anyway since Melonie claims that she bees so busy on the weekdays. I know that is not gonna get it.

A thought just popped into my head about this girl I met in Columbus at the block party about three years ago. Her name is Dana. She said that she wanted to move to N.Y. to pursue a career dancing on Boradway shows. Now for some reason when I saw her the last time she looked very good to me. I talked to her on the phone about two months after seeing her. Now Dana is the kind of girl I want to love. She has focus, a college degree, and wants to live in NY Like me and accomplish a dream of making it in the arts like me. I hope that some how I can run into her again and talk to her again. She has that womanly look that I am looking for.

Like take Melonie for example. She is very sexy and taking care of her business, but she is younger than I, and she looks young. Hell, I look young myself, so some woman will probably say the same thing about me. If Melonie can freak me like I want to be freaked, she may have a chance because sexiness, job and a little focus, and good pussy all sound like a good match to me. She may have some ole rotten pussy, don’t know how to fuck and shit, won’t suck a dick, don’t know how to ride a dick, and don’t like doggie sytle. If more than two of the above are true, she can forget about it. I need all of those things. But she tries to talk proper and conduct herself like a lady, so she may just be a horny little freak in the bed room. Take for example, Lillian Buckhead. She looks like a proper little young lady in public. I’ve never heard her loud or out of order when hanging with friends or anyone else. She’s a lady in the public eye, but in the bedroom she will suck the skin off your dick with her mouth, and rip your dick off with her pussy. I hope Melonie sucks dick deep throat style and just loves for a nigga to come right down her throat. I’m dying to run into a bitch like that. I’m just a horny little mutha fucka. I want kinki dick suckin’, ass lickin, ass fucking, pussy eatin’ sex until my dick falls off. I want that along with love, friendship and all that other shit that makes a relationship whole. I haven’t eaten no pussy in about three weeks since Sausha broke up with me. I need a taste. Maybe Melonie will be ready. I hope

Jrnl Entry No. 12.8.1999

Well I got fired / quit my job at The Gap. “I used to work at Foot Locker but they fronted / Got fired or I quit it / However do you want it.” (Lauren Hill “Everything is Everything) I got written up on my second incident and they were giving me a final written warning before firing me on my next warning. The first warning was do to some tight, no pussy getting manager of loss prevention. I was sitting down on the escalator because I was tired from running up and down the stairs all day after getting home the previous night at 3 A.M. So he’s right down at the bottom of the escalator and I see him looking at me as I was riding down and knew he was going to say something to me. He comes up to me and says, “hey, don’t sit on the escalator.” I looks at him as says “O.K.” and then I continues to go and do my job. He wanted to lecture me though and asked me my name, and did I think it was professional to sit like that with customers looking right at me. I was tired and wasn’t hearing him. I told him that I understood what he said, and that he didn’t have to be so serious. So he tells me to come here again while I am walking away. I just kept on walking and he follows me. I don’t even know who this guy is all in my face like I’m his son. After he says a few more times for me to come with him, I goes. We meet up with my floor manager as we walking back to his office, and she comes with us. He explains to her that I sat down on the escalator and that he feels I should be sent home for the day. He said I totally blew him off when he told me not to sit on the escalator and that I was showing off in front of people when I told him not to be so serious. I explained to her that I heard what he said, I got the message, and that I would not sit on the escalator anymore. I mean what did he want me to do; start sucking his dick to show him I was paying him full attention. My manager agreed with him and sent me home, which I was quite thankful because I was operating on two and half hours of sleep. I went home and slept the whole day.

My next incident about a month later was on the same scale. It was 11 P.M. quitting time, my third day straight of working two jobs, and I was tired and ready to go home. There was 5/10 minutes of work left to do and I told her that I was going home. The work would get done by the morning crew. She said that walking away was not acceptable. As I was walking away, I said “write it down and I’ll sign the paper.” When I came to work my next scheduled day I went to her and said I was sorry about the other day, that I work every day from 8 AM to 5 PM and by time 11 o’clock comes I am irritable. She takes me down to her office and tells me that my behavior was not acceptable which I understood. I told her that my availability needed to be changed to 3 days during the week and one day during the weekend in order to prevent these type of incidents from happening again. She basically told me that she already adjusted my schedule for four days a week and no weekends and that she couldn’t adjust it again. We were going back and forth with me telling her that four days a week straight of working two jobs leaves me with no life, and she basically was telling me tough tidy, and if I had another incident I would be fired. After I saw that she was not going to compromise with me on my schedule, I just said “I’m going home. Do you need your shirt back?” I took the shirt off and handed her my discount card and left.

The problem on part time jobs is that they don’t seem to understand the concept of part-time. They want to work you as much as possible. Part-time means you work when you want to because you have another full life and responsibilities to attend to. They should try to accommodate you as much as possible, and if they can’t work you as little as you want, they should work you a little less. Part-time jobs are for extra money that you really could do without because nine times out of ten you are not paying any major bills with the money. But part-time companies want to treat you like you need their job and they are doing you such a big favor by letting you work; therefore, you should happily abide by all the rules and work whenever we want you to. If they want to do people a favor, hire them full time and give them benefits, or work around people’s schedule as much as they can.

So it feels good to go home after work again and chill. Yesterday I went searching for some boot leg CDs around 34^th St and Time Square but found none. I went back toward home and went to the grocery store and then home. I called my new shorty, but she wasn’t home. I was about to work on my new song and she called. It was about 10:45 PM and she called me. I didn’t get off the phone with her until 2 A.M. I think she likes me a lot from what she knows. I like her also. It may work out to be long term if she is as sexy as I think she is and as she tells me she likes to be. She has that bad word in her vocabulary though, “Ghetto.” She doesn’t seem to use it as much as Victoria did, but its in her vocabulary. If she thinks she likes me now, wait until I dick her down and get my mouth on that pussy, she going to go crazy. She often makes comments that we should go here or there one day, or that I should go shopping with her one day; hints that we are going to be together in the long-run. I don’t like that. I usually like to take it day by day.

I’m still nervous about this kid situation. I seen on the news where a man was paying $12,000 a month child support. His wife was married to him for 700 days; time enough to make him believe she loved him, to have a kid, and divorce his ass and get paid for 18 years. The news says that the law says that a child has the right to live the lifestyle of its father while it is with the mother. I have no problem with that. I will buy my child whatever it wants. But if we have to pay all that money mandatory, then we should have the right to choose to have custody or joint custody or something. A lot of women are abusing child support. The woman originally wanted $112,000 a month in child support. Melonie says she is not mother material right now, and that she wants to be married before she has a kid, but I bet if I start bustin nuts in her ass, she will come up pregnant and want to have the baby. I’m kind of used to bustin nuts out of the pussy since I have been doing that with Sausha for a year and a half, so I should be able to continue my pattern.

I think that Melonie will probably not work out because she lives in Jersey and I live N.Y. I am not moving over there and she probably has no plans of moving over here. If it wasn’t for those damn bridges that you must pay $4 to go through I would be happy to stay in Jersey. But you never know how shit will go, we probably will be together for a while. I want a bitch right here in N.Y. though. A bitch who has her own shit. When I run across one, I’ll definitely get on. I see mostly bitches with weave in their head, which I don’t like. I was telling Melonie last night that I do not step to a woman who is not wearing her real hair. I just don’t like it, I can’t compliment it, and it is like a turn off like cigarettes.

I’m gonna try and go over Melonie’s house tonight, well no I’m not. I know one thing though is that I will not be on the phone all night bullshittin’. I’m gon cook and hop on my ASR 10 Sampler. I have been thinking about CLUE the past couple of days and how I should have shouted at him. He probably would have been cool. I talked to him at the Jay Z concert in Pittsburgh but he wasn’t paying me any attention. Being in an area where everybody isn’t on his dick, he may just conversate with a brother.

The next mutha fucka I see though I’m hittin him with my speech that I prepared I don’t care who it is. Them mutha fuckas got to know that they need to put people on just like someone put them on. If I was a star, I would probably spend most of my time listening to demos, and if I heard something that impressed me like my frat brothers tape, I would do whatever I could to get him on. I mean CLUE wasn’t always CLUE and Jay Z wasn’t always Jay Z, and Nas damn sure wasn’t always The Rapper Nas. He was some quiet kid who never let anybody know he rapped.

I feel like I’m in prison not being able to do what I really want to do, which is make some money in Hip Hop. I feel trapped. I mean I want to sit at home all day and make songs and get paid for them. I want to be steppin up in the club at 12:30 A.M. on a Sunday night not worrying about getting up for work in the morning. I want it so bad, I can taste it. I’m gonna get it. In my heart, I got so much love for this, I got to get it.

I just completed a verse to my incomplete song about my love for Hip Hop but Hip Hop has no love for me or MCs who give their all on the mic. Hip Hop only shows love to simple gimmick cats like DMX. Even Jay Z is sounding a little repetitive. Like Jay Z says he don’t write rhymes down anymore, he makes them up as he goes along in the studio. your best shit doesn’t come out that way. Like his best shit was on his first two albums. His third one was cool, but far from the potency of his first album. He had clever lines back then, now all his lines are sounding the same and that is what happens when you stop thinking about what you want to say and analyzing it and rewriting it when it sounds corny.

I think writing is one of the reasons KRSONE has stayed fresh for 11 to 12 years. Writing keeps you on your toes with the skill. Biz Markie said he never wrote. He has a song with Will Smith and he is saying the same shit he was saying ten years ago not writing, and that is why he feel off. And niggas like Pharoe Monch who has one of the dopest albums with some of the dopest lyrics, he get no love from Hip Hop, no record sales, no cash, just mad respect from niggaz like me for his true skill and art of spittin rhymes. It never pays to be an abstract artist with real shit and talent until you die, and with Hip Hop, even dieing won’t bring true MCs like Pharoe Monch much recognition.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.3.1999

So I meets Melonie last night in Time Square. We met an hour later than what we planned because she didn’t know where the Virgin Mega Store was. It’s funny about these people here in N.Y. and around surrounding areas, that they don’t venture out and see more of what the city has to offer. People who live in Queens, stay in Queens; people who live in Brooklyn, stay in Brooklyn and etc. I told her lets meet in Times Square so she says “42^nd Street.” I say “yeah, 42^nd Street” because that is like the point where you see all the Times Square lights. I was also under the impression that she knew where the Virgin Megastore was. It was not exactly on 42^nd St, but like a little down from 45^th St. on Broadway. I assumed wrong, and at like 10:30 P.M. I starts walking down toward 42^nd St. to see if she would be walking around down there. When I got in front of ESPN Zone where we were supposed to be going anyway, I sees her. So she is walking by and I am like staring in her face trying to get her attention. Finally as she was about to walk past me I said something to get her attention. She said that she has been driving around since like 9:30 P.M. trying to find the store and a parking space.

She didn’t smile or anything when she saw me. We were right in front of the ESPN Zone so we went in. I offered to buy her dinner since I figured she hadn’t eaten because she said she was going to Spanish class after work, then home to change and then to meet me. So we are walking into the restaurant and she still hasn’t cracked a smile and she is talking in this serious tone of voice. I’m steady trying to get a smile out of her some how. I mean I’m not a comedian or anything so it was hard. I thought that if I smiled at her while I was talking to her that she would smile at me when she was talking but no, not at first. But as we sat down to eat dinner, we talked a little more and I even asked about her seriousness. She said that was just her personality and that I shouldn’t be bothered by it. As we talked a little more she loosened up a little.

Now Melonie has a natural little curly fro that she wears parted and slicked to each side like in the front, and there is just an afro puff at the back. Before her hair grew I guess she had a ceasar. She keeps her fro tight and I like that. I’ve always wanted to get with someone who sported a natural. Melonie is very small and petite with two little round tidys that will fit right into mouth just like I used to do Lauren and she used to love it. She has a cute little round ass as I’ve mentioned before that I saw when I met her. She had on a tight fitted black and white waist length leopard print shirt with a purse to match; some tight black jeans I think, and some cute boots to hook it all together. I didn’t want to stare too hard at her outfit, but I could tell it was very sexy and I liked it. I didn’t get a chance to peep the ass because she had on a knee length coat with the sheep hair around the collar and sleeves. The one chance I had to peep the ass was when she went to the bathroom. The only problem was that I was sitting the opposite way. I couldn’t just turn around and start looking at her ass as she walked away. I started to but caught myself and said forget it. I’d see it another time.

I think Melonie has all the right stuff as far sexiness goes. She says she wears Victoria Secret around the house and not some bullshit. She dresses very sexy to me from the two outfits that I’ve seen her in. She wears thong underwear, which I noticed at the club. She’s cute in my book. She is not beautiful, but cute. I think that is part of my problem with women. No, it’s not a problem, but it goes like this.

I don’t really see too many beautiful black women popping up into my view. When I say beautiful, I’m talking about love at first sight beautiful. See with Melonie it’s like a, she is sexy and I think she would turn me on, type of thing. So when she is not turning me on with her sexiness or if the pussy isn’t just drop dead good, I won’t be thinking about her. That is how I was with Sausha. I liked her tidys and her naturalness, but really nothing else. The pussy wasn’t to die for so when I wasn’t about to get in the ass, I really wasn’t thinking about her too much. Well, I thought about her, but not a “I love her so much” type of thing. Or like with Lauren, it was a “I can’t wait to get back into the ass and bust another nut in it.” I cared about Sausha, I loved her too, but not dreamy kind of love. And I think dreamy kind of love is the love that last. The love I had for Samantha. The love I had for Lynaye that never came to be because she just didn’t let it for some reason. That is probably the problem with most relationships and even marriages; it is not true dreamy love. The relationship is for another reason like sex, money, a companion or friend. Both parties just don’t, to die for, love each other. Most people never find that love. I probably won’t find that love, But anyway.

I cant wait to get into Melonie’s little pussy. I hope she is a freak and introduces me to some ole next shit! She seems like a nice girl, and if all the right things are in place we may last a while. I’m worried about one thing though. She doesn’t have any kidz. She told me that she was on birth control. I think bitches know that once they say that, a nigga can’t wait to bust a big ole wet hot nut in their ass. She doesn’t have a lot of loot. She is working to support herself. She said that she didn’t want kidz right now, and that a woman only gets pregnant if she wants to, but she slipped and said something last night. She told me that she was in a relationship for six years with this guy. They broke up because he started treating her mean. Then she said “thank god no kidz came out of it.”

Me personally I don’t want any more kidz. But see with her it wouldn’t hurt her to have a kid and tell me to marry her or break up with me and get five hundred dollars in child support. So even still and though, when you in some good hot wet pussy, all that logic goes out the door sometimes. I hope I can keep both my headz straight. I forgot to ask Melonie where is her job headed as far as career. Cause like I said I’m tired of messing with hoes who jump from job to job. Melonie seems like she has focus and direction, but with no college degree, what she may be focusing on may be a long shot like my music production career. I’m out.