Jrnl Entry No. 3.13.2000

I don’t  feel like working today. I feel alright but I just kind of feel like being at home in the bed for the morning. The weekend weather was terrible, cold like it’s supposed to be. The four days before the weekend were like 60 degrees, and then Friday it turned cold all of sudden.

I went home this weekend to see my daughter, I hadn’t seen her in like a month and a half. I thought that I was going to have trouble out of her getting comfortable because she hadn’t see me in what I thought was a long time, but I was wrong. She jumped right in calling me daddy and everything as if we hadn’t skipped a beat. She is getting to the point now where she is telling me that she is hungry, and her stomach hurt. She is potty trained. She didn’t want to go to sleep Friday night, up complaining that her leg hurt, and her back hurt, and that she was hungry. I caught on to the game and told her to lay down and go to sleep and I started ignoring her phony cries. She finally went to sleep after about ten minutes of whining. I told my mom that it’s time to start showing her some tough love, to stop giving in to her cry. Just tell her to get in the bed and go to sleep like I had to do Saturday night when she wanted to stay u when it was like 2 A.M. and I was on the phone. I told her to lay down and go to sleep. She went to sleep after about twenty minutes of lying there with her eyes open. I had a good time with her as always. She is growing up on me.

Well I guess it over between Lauren and I. I told her before she left to go to VA that it seems as if she was probably not trying to come here and move with me. I am not gonna let her just string me along so I told her that I don’t want to talk to her anymore. I called her in VA on Friday and she had an attitude and wouldn’t let me apologize. She said I had wasted my time calling so I just hung up.

I hadn’t planned on seeing Sausha but she called my house and was talking to my mom. She called later that night and told my mom for me to call her. I called and she asked me were we really through cause if so, she was going to the movies with someone else. I didn’t say anything about it. We got off the phone because I was over my cousin’s house and her mom called.

I went and seen “Any Given Sunday” starring Jamie Foxx, Al Pachino, Lawrence Taylor, LL Cool J, Bill Belamy, Lele Rachon, James Woods, etc. It was a pretty good movie, three hours long, but good. I seen it at the $1.50 show. I went by myself since I’m trying to cut my Warren women off.

I went over Sausah’s house Sunday before I left. I got over there about three O’clock. She was acting funny but I didn’t mind. I seen a little letter over there say “Michael, I miss you and I’m horny. Come and see me next time you come home. I need a dose of what only you can give me.” I didn’t go over there with my dick hard expecting to have sex with her. It would have been nice if we could have made love but she was acting funny, and plus she was looking her normal around the house unsexy self. I tried to make a few minor moves but she was resisting. I got up and left at about 5:30 P.M. When I left and said “I’ll see you,” she didn’t say anything. I left and was on my way to my new home in N.Y.

I think I’ll cut Kathy off this week. She is not exactly attracting me, and it doesn’t seem like she is exactly trying to give up the pussy so I don’t need her in my life trying to make me work for three months to get some ass. I got Saudia to try and work on, but she works odd hours so that probably won’t work out. I think I’m gonna try and hook up with her and do a song though. I’ve come to a conclusion that I’m not talking to any more cancers because we are not compatible.

Lauren is trying to pay me back for not being with her when she really loved me with all her heart. Victoria is tryin’ to pay me back for things that I said to her that she thought were disrespectful. She thinks that my family spoils me and lets me do what I want; therefore she is not gonna let me see my child like I want, but only how she wants. Saudia is a cancer and I ain’t dealing with no more of them.

I think I need a Pisces in my life. Caroline is a Pisces and her husband to be is a Leo like I am. She says that he likes her to be sexy like I like my women to be sexy, and she has no problem with it. Melonie was a Pisces and I could tell that she was a sexy little thang. So probably if I meet a Pisces who dressed sexy, with some good pussy, and a good steady job, there I will have it, like my perfect mate. Sausha is an Aquarius, and Kathy is Virgo. Virgos are like shy and freaky and they will let it out at certain times. I need a, let it all hang out kind of freaky, you know what I mean, which I probably will only get from a Cancer, but I don’t like Cancer attitudes and Cancer don’t like Leo attitudes.

I think I’m gonna cut faces out of them pictures that Lauren took for me and mail to my cousin in jail. I don’t need that shit around my house if she is not gonna be with me. I guess now I’ll be on a calm search for a woman I really want. I’ll probably find someone to fuck in the meantime, but if not, fuck it, I’ll just chill.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.8.1999

Well I got fired / quit my job at The Gap. “I used to work at Foot Locker but they fronted / Got fired or I quit it / However do you want it.” (Lauren Hill “Everything is Everything) I got written up on my second incident and they were giving me a final written warning before firing me on my next warning. The first warning was do to some tight, no pussy getting manager of loss prevention. I was sitting down on the escalator because I was tired from running up and down the stairs all day after getting home the previous night at 3 A.M. So he’s right down at the bottom of the escalator and I see him looking at me as I was riding down and knew he was going to say something to me. He comes up to me and says, “hey, don’t sit on the escalator.” I looks at him as says “O.K.” and then I continues to go and do my job. He wanted to lecture me though and asked me my name, and did I think it was professional to sit like that with customers looking right at me. I was tired and wasn’t hearing him. I told him that I understood what he said, and that he didn’t have to be so serious. So he tells me to come here again while I am walking away. I just kept on walking and he follows me. I don’t even know who this guy is all in my face like I’m his son. After he says a few more times for me to come with him, I goes. We meet up with my floor manager as we walking back to his office, and she comes with us. He explains to her that I sat down on the escalator and that he feels I should be sent home for the day. He said I totally blew him off when he told me not to sit on the escalator and that I was showing off in front of people when I told him not to be so serious. I explained to her that I heard what he said, I got the message, and that I would not sit on the escalator anymore. I mean what did he want me to do; start sucking his dick to show him I was paying him full attention. My manager agreed with him and sent me home, which I was quite thankful because I was operating on two and half hours of sleep. I went home and slept the whole day.

My next incident about a month later was on the same scale. It was 11 P.M. quitting time, my third day straight of working two jobs, and I was tired and ready to go home. There was 5/10 minutes of work left to do and I told her that I was going home. The work would get done by the morning crew. She said that walking away was not acceptable. As I was walking away, I said “write it down and I’ll sign the paper.” When I came to work my next scheduled day I went to her and said I was sorry about the other day, that I work every day from 8 AM to 5 PM and by time 11 o’clock comes I am irritable. She takes me down to her office and tells me that my behavior was not acceptable which I understood. I told her that my availability needed to be changed to 3 days during the week and one day during the weekend in order to prevent these type of incidents from happening again. She basically told me that she already adjusted my schedule for four days a week and no weekends and that she couldn’t adjust it again. We were going back and forth with me telling her that four days a week straight of working two jobs leaves me with no life, and she basically was telling me tough tidy, and if I had another incident I would be fired. After I saw that she was not going to compromise with me on my schedule, I just said “I’m going home. Do you need your shirt back?” I took the shirt off and handed her my discount card and left.

The problem on part time jobs is that they don’t seem to understand the concept of part-time. They want to work you as much as possible. Part-time means you work when you want to because you have another full life and responsibilities to attend to. They should try to accommodate you as much as possible, and if they can’t work you as little as you want, they should work you a little less. Part-time jobs are for extra money that you really could do without because nine times out of ten you are not paying any major bills with the money. But part-time companies want to treat you like you need their job and they are doing you such a big favor by letting you work; therefore, you should happily abide by all the rules and work whenever we want you to. If they want to do people a favor, hire them full time and give them benefits, or work around people’s schedule as much as they can.

So it feels good to go home after work again and chill. Yesterday I went searching for some boot leg CDs around 34th St and Time Square but found none. I went back toward  home and went to the grocery store and then home. I called my new shorty, but she wasn’t home. I was about to work on my new song and she called. It was about 10:45 PM and she called me. I didn’t get off the phone with her until 2 A.M. I think she likes me a lot from what she knows. I like her also. It may work out to be long term if she is as sexy as I think she is and as she tells me she likes to be. She has that bad word in her vocabulary though, “Ghetto.” She doesn’t seem to use it as much as Victoria did, but its in her vocabulary. If she thinks she likes me now, wait until I dick her down and get my mouth on that pussy, she going to go crazy. She often makes comments that we should go here or there one day, or that I should go shopping with her one day; hints that we are going to be together in the long-run. I don’t like that. I usually like to take it day by day.

I’m still nervous about this kid situation. I seen on the news where a man was paying $12,000 a month child support. His wife was married to him for 700 days; time enough to make him believe she loved him, to have a kid, and divorce his ass and get paid for 18 years. The news says that the law says that a child has the right to live the lifestyle of its father while it is with the mother. I have no problem with that. I will buy my child whatever it wants. But if we have to pay all that money mandatory, then we should have the right to choose to have custody or joint custody or something. A lot of women are abusing child support. The woman originally wanted $112,000 a month in child support. Melonie says she is not mother material right now, and that she wants to be married before she has a kid, but I bet if I start bustin nuts in her ass, she will come up pregnant and want to have the baby. I’m kind of used to bustin nuts out of the pussy since I have been doing that with Sausha for a year and a half, so I should be able to continue my pattern.

I think that Melonie will probably not work out because she lives in Jersey and I live N.Y. I am not moving over there and she probably has no plans of moving over here. If it wasn’t for those damn bridges that you must pay $4 to go through I would be happy to stay in Jersey. But you never know how shit will go, we probably will be together for a while. I want a bitch right here in N.Y. though. A bitch who has her own shit. When I run across one, I’ll definitely get on. I see mostly bitches with weave in their head, which I don’t like. I was telling Melonie last night that I do not step to a woman who is not wearing her real hair. I just don’t like it, I can’t compliment it, and it is like a turn off like cigarettes.

I’m gonna try and go over Melonie’s house tonight, well no I’m not. I know one thing though is that I will not be on the phone all night bullshittin’. I’m gon cook and hop on my ASR 10 Sampler. I have been thinking about CLUE the past couple of days and how I should have shouted at him. He probably would have been cool. I talked to him at the Jay Z concert in Pittsburgh but he wasn’t paying me any attention. Being in an area where everybody isn’t on his dick, he may just conversate with a brother.

The next mutha fucka I see though I’m hittin him with my speech that I prepared I don’t care who it is. Them mutha fuckas got to know that they need to put people on just like someone put them on. If I was a star, I would probably spend most of my time listening to demos, and if I heard something that impressed me like my frat brothers tape, I would do whatever I could to get him on. I mean CLUE wasn’t always CLUE and Jay Z wasn’t always Jay Z, and Nas damn sure wasn’t  always The Rapper Nas. He was some quiet kid who never let anybody know he rapped.

I feel like I’m in prison not being able to do what I really want to do, which is make some money in Hip Hop. I feel trapped. I mean I want to sit at home all day and make songs and get paid for them. I want to be steppin up in the club at 12:30 A.M. on a Sunday night not worrying about getting up for work in the morning. I want it so bad, I can taste it. I’m gonna get it. In my heart, I got so much love for this, I got to get it.

I just completed a verse to my incomplete song about my love for Hip Hop but Hip Hop has no love for me or MCs who give their all on the mic. Hip Hop only shows love to simple gimmick cats like DMX. Even Jay Z is sounding a little repetitive. Like Jay Z says he don’t write rhymes down anymore, he makes them up as he goes along in the studio. your best shit doesn’t come out that way. Like his best shit was on his first two albums. His third one was cool, but far from the potency of his first album. He had clever lines back then, now all his lines are sounding the same and that is what happens when you stop thinking about what you want to say and analyzing it and rewriting it when it sounds corny.

I think writing is one of the reasons KRSONE has stayed fresh for 11 to 12 years. Writing keeps you on your toes with the skill. Biz Markie said he never wrote. He has a song with Will Smith and he is saying the same shit he was saying ten years ago not writing, and that is why he feel off. And niggas like Pharoe Monch who has one of the dopest albums with some of the dopest lyrics, he get no love from Hip Hop, no record sales, no cash, just mad respect from niggaz like me for his true skill and art of spittin rhymes. It never pays to be an abstract artist with real shit and talent until you die, and with Hip Hop, even dieing won’t bring true MCs like Pharoe Monch much recognition.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.6.1999

I gets home from Warren last night about 12:20 A.M. I figured I’d ride through the city to try and find me two boot leg CDs. I was gonna get Rakim and Raekwon. Yeah, that’s right boot leg. I told myself, especially since I got bills now and no money, that I am not spending another dollar on Hip Hop CDs until I make some cash in the rap game as a producer or rapper. I have been rapping and shit since I was 14; that is twelve years. Its time for Hip Hop to support me a little. At the least pay off my car or credit card or something.

So I’m riding down around Times Square but I don’t see anybody with any CDs on the streets. I passes by 43rd St. and I see a crowd of people and cars lined up. I decides to ride down the street and I sees mad bitches and niggas lined up to get into this club. I tell you that is the shit I love about New York. You just ride down the street on a particular night and you can run into a fat ass party going down till 4 A.M. in the morning. The spot was called Club New York. I guess it was hot for the night.

I went and parked my car on 39th Street and walked back up to 43rd Street. I walks by and stands outside the party. I’m seeing Yukon Danali’s, Navigators, Acks, Benz V12 600s. Just as I was about to leave because I didn’t have the $20 or $30 that I know it cost to get in, I seen CLUE and a bunch of niggaz following him walking up. Now DJ CLUE is like a house hold name in Hip Hop. I’m just looking at the Nigga like an ass hole. I don’t know what was going through my mind. I leave the spot and goes back to my car because I gots to go to work in the morning. As I’m walking back, I’m thinking to myself “damn, I should have said something to that Nigga about me being a producer trying to get on.”

Its like when I see these people, I’m at a lose for words. I prepared me a little speech last night though. Its goes a little something like this. “ A Yo CLUE whats up? How You? I’m a producer trying to get on in this industry. Why don’t you do me a favor and take my tape. If you like it and think you can help me give me a call. If you don’t like it, don’t call and I’ll see you again. I know you don’t know me but can you do that for me?”

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to approach niggaz every since I got here. I’ve seen Funk Master Flex, Lord Finesse, Grand Master Dee of Whodini.  I talked to DJ Premier, but I didn’t ask him to help me out. I just ask him how do I go about getting on as a producer. He told me to go to the clubs. I’ve been to a couple of clubs and seen nobody. When I did see the couple of people I mentioned above, I didn’t know what to say to them. I talked to DJ Big Kap but he brushed me off real quick because I really didn’t know what to say to him. I tried introducing myself to him, told him my name and shit and asked can I talk to him.

You got to get at these niggaz at least as an introduction. You got to get straight to the point, and that might not even get you nowhere. Just get at em every time you see somebody. When you see em again, holla at them again. After a year or two, people will notice you and see that you are determined and will maybe help out. THAT’S WHAT I GOT TO DO! TIME IS MONEY!

Jrnl Entry No. 11.29.1999

It’s Monday after Thanksgiving day weekend. All last week Sausha was at my house in NY. I can tell by her attitude that she does not really feel N.Y. Maybe she would feel it much better if she didn’t have her kidz so we could go out and do more things together. Yeah, she brought Rykell and Heaven with her to my house.

You know what I’m discovering is that I don’t like kidz that are not my own, especially two year olds like Rykell. I can remember when Marielle was two years old. I hated her with a passion just like I hate Rykell. Two year olds just get on your nerves with their temper tantrums when they can’t get there way. They don’t do nothing you tell them to do without crying. I remember when I first started dating Sausha, Rykell had the loudest mouth I had ever heard from a child. That was when my hate for him developed. He was just like a big-headed cartoon character when he would cry. Heaven, she is cute but she does little shit that gets on my nerves also. When you tell her what to do she will do it, but right after she does it, she will reverse her action and do what you told her not to do. Shameek with his little punk ass, he didn’t want to come. I think he doesn’t like the fact that I am dating his mom and getting some of his attention so most of the time he wants to be over his aunts house. I like Shameek, but he is a little punk with the way he cries every time he can’t get his way. And he is scared to go anywhere in the house by himself. Any other time he is acting grown, but ask him to go and get some tissue, and he will be like “come on Heaven.” And if she doesn’t come he will start saying to his mom, “Heavin ain’t comin’.”

And I guess it all boils down to the fact that no one is going to love what is not there own. Sure I would look out for them and take good care of them if Sausha and I were to stay together, but when they wine and have tempers, I hate it the most and just feel like stomping them right in their chest. Shameek listens for the most part, Heaven listens three fourth the time, and Rykell listens but crys all the time. LL COOL J said that his step father used to abuse him, and he probably did it for the same reasons that I feel like abusing Sausha kidz sometimes. It is because in the presence of their mom, they don’t listen to me. Like when Rykell gets out of the bed at night and I direct him to go back to bed, he’ll go around me and go to his mom and she will tell him the same thing, and he’ll run in his room and start crying. Its like the kidz don’t pay you any attention. And they sometimes get their way unnecessarily. And I’m mostly talking about Rykell and Shameek. Like I think she should break Shameek from that scared shit and make him go upstairs by himself. He is grown when it comes to everthing else, let him grow out of that. But what can I say, nothing. I think she needs to let Rykell grow out of not wanting to share anything or everytime some one picks up a toy, he starts crying for it, and Sausha tells whoever to give him the toy. So he thinks all he has to do is cry and he will get his way. But what can I say, nothing. Now she treats Heaven like shit, and that’s why I always pay her the most attention and answer her stupid little questions whenever she asks them. It’s like the only way you get some control is when their mom is not around, and when you get that control, because you’ve been ignored for so long, you want to abuse that control.

But I probably won’t have to deal with this situation because Sausha told me yesterday that our relationship is not working, and I agree with her. Its not working for me because of her kidz, and because she is not sexy enough for me, and because she has no idea how she is going to make her life better. Well she has an idea but for that idea to become a reality, its going to be a long shot. And I was thinking of moving her and the kidz with me and ask my mom to come and be our baby sitter, but I don’t want all those people living with me. I don’t think I want Sausha living with me. She does little shit that I don’t like and there is nothing about her to make up for her mis-haps. She leaves food on her dishes in the sink instead of rinsing them out. She frys stuff sloppily getting grease all over the stove. Just little shit that bugs me, and on top of that, the kidz bug me too. That is too much bugging for me to be happy so be it. I don’t even want an explanation from her, I’m just going about my way. She’ll probably call me next weekend and want to talk, but I will have nothing to say. I am not getting back together with her. Its over.

I got this honeys number this weekend at the 89 Harding and Reserve Class Reunion. And it’s a good thing that Sausha did break up with me yesterday because she was sure to find out some way that I got this girls number. The girl whose name is Kaylah is cousins with Sheryl who has a baby by Thyrck who likes Sausha when he has no one else to like. Sheryl heard my name and she started asking me was I the one who used to go with Sausha. And she was telling me how Thyrck used to talk about me. So I know she will tell Thyrck who is in jail that I got her cousin’s number, and he somehow is going to call Sausha and tell her. But since we are broke up it doesn’t matter.

Now Kaylah is 21, a little younger than what I’m looking for, but I like her. I talked to her on the phone last night when I got back to N.Y. from Warren. She is going to Syracuse University in New York. She is funny and she is kind of fine from what I could see at the class reunion party. Of course she has her natural hair and a natural face like I like it you know. She tells me that Syracuse is only 3 hours away from Queen NYC so I’m going to go and check her out one Saturday. She says she will be graduating in June. She has her own car, a Honda Accord so she can come and check me out sometimes also. I’ll see where this goes.

I met this chick named Melonie about two weeks ago at Club Ivy. She had a cute little ass. I haven’t called her in two weeks because Sausha came home with me last week. But I’ll call her this week and tell her that I went on vacation and left her number here in N.Y. She lives by herself in N.J. and works as a quality assurance operator who listens to when people call the phone company. She talks kind of proper and sounds adult like. I’m gonna get that ass though.

She says she used to be wild but now she has settled down a bit. Yeah, we’ll see how soon I can get my dick in her mouth. She told me she was on birth control. That could be a trick to get pregnant and get child support money. I’ll probably bust a couple nuts in her ass. I don’t know. Which reminds me again. When I get some free days, I need to consult a doctor about getting my balls cut so as to not have anymore kidz. Fuck having kidz because that shit kills you in the end if things don’t work out.

I’ll work with these two girls for a while if I can. I’ll probably start calling Rhonda again and try to get a couple of good fucks out of her. I think Rhonda just wants a man with a good job so she can just work at Marshalls the rest of her life making a little money while her husband makes the majority of the doe. She is kind of lazy, and then she is not lazy. She can look beautiful when she wants to and that is why I always think about her because she looks beautiful, she really looks good to me like the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. But on some days she looks fat, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a fat bitch.

No more two or three kidz in my relationships from now on out; I’m done with that shit. Lauren had three kidz, Sausha had three kidz. I’ve learned that I don’t like it. Them bitches was stupid enough to have three kidz without a sure-fire way of taking care of them then that’s their fault. Before I used to think that kidz don’t matter but yes they do. With three kidz life is gonna be hard whether they are mine of not. Why should I suffer for someone else mistakes.

And speaking of three kidz, I wonder how Ronika feels now. After her and her sister used to talk all that shit about me dating Sausha with three kidz and Sausha living in the ghetto. Now Ronika is going around telling people that her kidz father won’t marry her, and she lives in Trumbull Holmes and he lives on Oak street, and she has his three daughters. Now she is just like Sausha. She has three kidz by one man who she is not married to. And chances are that she will not get married to him. See that is exactly why I don’t talk about or make fun of any ones bad situation because it could happen to me.

I probably would have stayed with Lauren because of that good pussy that I could just bust nuts in because her tubes were tied. I still haven’t ran into no pussy like that or someone with an ass as nice as hers. Yeah I did love Lauren’s body. If it wasn’t for the stretch marks and the little sagging tidys, she would have one of the banginest bodies ever.

My boss talked to me again about being late to work because I got here at 8:15 AM because of a traffic jam right where I was supposed to get off and come to work. I would have been on time if it hadn’t been for the little traffic jam. I see his plan though to verbally warn me about every thing he has the chance to. He’s trying to make me feel inferior so I won’t ask for that much money when its time for my review. That is exactly why I’m getting the hell out of here when I get some time off. I am not happy on this job. I need to find the company that I am interested in so that I can really start being productive. I need to find me an apartment for cheaper too so I can have some money in my pocket and maybe save a little. My shit is together but it needs to be a little more tighter. I’m gon’ make it happen though

Jrnl Entry No.10.21.1999

I need some pussy. I wonder if women get horny like this and start telling themselves that they need some dick. Yeah, they do and probably just as frequently as we do even though studies or surveys show that men think about sex like 40 times an hour and women think about it like 4 times an hour or something like that; its some ole ridiculous ratio.

My dick has been hard all week. I’ve been thinking about eating Sausha’s cute little pussy. I love when I have her legs pinned up and knees damn near touching the bed and I just hold them there and fuck the pussy so nicely. I usually come that way. I pull my dick out and just nut all over her chest . The last two weeks, I had so much nut backed up that it almost squirted into her face. She said she saw it shoot like a waterfall. There was a line of sperm from her belly button to her neck.

Sausha’s skin is so soft. I love her soft little body, her tidies, the way she keeps her pussy shaved is just so attractive. When I make love to Sausha I try and lick every spot on her body: the crack of her ass, her toes, her elbows, her ears, just every little part I can think of. By time I get done with giving her foreplay and enjoying the site of her body, my dick is so hard and dripping with pre-cum. When I finally get into the pussy, it feels extraordinary. Her pussy is soft and wet and ready also and we just make love and gradually move into this fast motion until I just explode.

Sometimes I call for her to get on top or to flip over so I can get it from the back. I’m usually so worked up and just so happy to be in the pussy I don’t even want to take my dick out or stop the motions to change positions. We usually save the positions for the second or third round. I usually don’t give her a chance to give me any foreplay and she usually doesn’t take charge to do so. Every once in a while I turn over on my back and let her do a little work. She kisses my nipples and my neck. She works her way down to my dick and grabs it with her mouth. I love that, to have my dick sucked with no hands when she first puts it into her mouth. She not a pro at sucking dick, but just to have it in her mouth feels so good when she does do it. She kisses her way back up my chest. I grab her and get into a french kiss lock, flip her over and maybe I’ll eat the pussy for a little bit them I’ll take the head of my dick and move it around her clitoris. She loves when I do that. Sometimes she grabs my dick and start working it herself, and she’ll move it around until she comes or she’ll tell me to just fuck her. I love when she talks dirty to me and tells me to fuck her harder. She hasn’t said anything like that in a while. I can’t wait to get my dick in her soft little ass.

Sometimes I think that I should get me a little fuck bitch around here to fuck once or twice a week, but I just say knawl. I kind of like going home to Sausha with two weeks of come backed up in my dick because the pussy feels so good, and when I do come it feels unexplainable.

I kind of cheated this week though because I jacked off two nights in a row before I went to bed  Sun and Mon. You know I used to think that I couldn’t jack off. But one day I did it. I was over Rebecca’s house when she had the apartment in Youngstown, and she was at work. I popped in a porno movie called “Stick It In My Ass” and I went to town. I started thinking about all the freaky shit Rebecca and I used to do and the shit they were doing in the movie, and I started jacking off harder and faster. I could feel the come building up, and then I just came. Even though I had Rebecca, when she was gone I would pull out a movie and jack off. When I jack off to this day I can only think of Rebecca; how she used to always wear thongs; just around the house she’d be in t-shirt and a thong. I loved to see her big thick ass, and I would just crab the ass and fuck it anytime. Rebecca and I would always be on some sex shit. She would play with my dick at the movies, riding in the car; just sitting at home, she’d grab my dick and start sucking it.

I did everything with Rebecca. I just think of all the shit and her thick ass busting out of a thong and just bust a nut in my hand. I think I’ve mentioned before that Rebecca made me a freak. She’s the one who started me to eating pussy. After her, I needed to eat the pussy during foreplay to turn me on. Now, I’ve been with four girls since Rebecca, and with Lauren during being with Rebecca, so I haven’t ate that much pussy. I know Sausha is thankful. The way and as often as I eat her pussy is all due to Rebecca.

I think one of the reasons I sort of get so horny is because of this woman at work named Caroline. She is so fine to me, like everything I want my woman to be on the outside. She dresses tight everyday for work. She looks just tight; wears everything I love for a woman to wear: pants suits, skirt suits, hot pants, jeans (those fly little jean and boot outfits that I love with the nice fitting sweaters), dresses, shoes. I like everything she wears. And she has a tight little body also. Her ass is spread just wide enough. Her tidies are like Sausha’s, just big enough, I would love to make a fantasy night with her of going out talking, maybe dinner, a movie, and then home to have sex. It would be love to see her naked and to enjoy a sexual experience with her. Sometimes I look at her and just say to myself “I would love to just fuck her so nicely.” She is 30 with a 25 year old boyfriend whom she says is mature. I can believe that. I saw him at the company picnic and he looks thirty. When he shook my hand, he shook it all hard, which says to me that he is a little insecure about his man hood, trying to prove he’s strong. I know he tears Caroline’s ass out thoroughly.

Back to the firm hand shake business: I remember at Circle K when I was introduced to this lady at work. She was about late 30s early 40s, tall and kind of sexy for her age. She wore mid thigh mini skirts often and she had long legs. I would have loved to fuck her also. Anyway, when I met her she shook my hand all firmly, like snatched my arm up. She was telling me through her hand shake that our meeting was all business, no soft stuff, don’t think about it.

WHEN YOU’RE HORNY OR MASTERBATING, WHO OR WHAT PRESENT/PAST PERSON/SEXUAL INCIDENT(S)DO YOU THINK ABOUT?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.10.1999

Well another Friday here and another weekend that I’ll be returning home to Warren, Ohio.

I went to the Lincoln Center last night to be around the Mtv Music Awards hype. People were all out on the block hanging out to get hand outs from record companies and whoever else. If you didn’t purchase a ticket to be on the bleachers where you could see the celebrities as they exited their limos, you could not see anything. I guess some people drove by the block and showed their faces through their limo window. If you think about it, its kind of silly. What and the hell do I need to view a star for. It’s childish to me, but people really go and stand out there in hopes of viewing a celebrity.

I went out there to see if I could meet a girl and just to look at the people standing around, just to view the scene and have something to do. One thing you learn about standing out there is about people and how much they want to know. I mean they jump at anything being handed out. It’s almost like they fiend for a handout. People were handing out things that looked like a little credit card carrier, and it turned out to be just a subway map that folds into a card board cover with HBO printed on the outside. I also went out there to see if by chance I would run into or speak to someone about my production career, but I saw no one.

I did do one thing I set out to do and that was talk to someone. Her name was Marlo. She was handing out post cards advertising T-Boz’s book of poems. She was probably late 20s or early 30s. I asked her age, but she said that silly shit older women think is cute I guess “its rude to ask a woman her age.” She was talking back to me but she didn’t really seem interested in talking. I got that she had her own advertising firm; she was from L.A. She has been in NY for a year or has been running her firm for a year, one of the two. She had a nice ass bustin’ out of a mid thigh mini skirt, black in color. I let her go about her way to my regret. I was looking for her to ask if I could get to know her better, but she was gone in the wind. She was my type of woman with natural hair, not much make-up or none at all, and like I said before, a monster ass. So I let the thought of her go.

Before Marlo, before I even reached the spot, two stops in a row on the train came two women I considered beautiful. The first one was shorter than me, and she had natural hair, kind of long, which was twisted up into some style that I liked. She had beautiful natural skin, like a smooth dark caramel. She had on a loose outfit so I couldn’t see the ass or anything like that. She just caught my eye with her face really. I’m sure the rest was there underneath those clothes. Then the next stop walked in another girl I thought was beautiful. She was tall, kind of thick with just the right amount of ass and tidies. She was also wearing her natural hair in a ponytail. She had a smoother, a little lighter caramel skin than the other girl. She was wearing a pair of semi-tight jeans, not too tight, not too loose, and she had on a tight fitting tank like top. So I’m just sitting there with a little smirk on my face and I say to myself “what is this my lucky day?” I don’t think that a crowded train is a great place to be trying to spark a (can I get your number) conversation. I said to myself, “self, if they get off at my stop then I will approach the tall one.” When my stop came I didn’t see either one of them start to move so that was that.

I gets off at Lincoln Center and the first thing I am handed when I come from underground is two calendars: The Hip Hop Calendar of 1999, both men and women versions. Funny because just last week I was reading about the women’s one in a Big Lez article. I ain’t gonna even mention the other people in it because Big Lez who is on December with Christmas Lingerie on takes the whole calendar. Her body looked so smooth. She is so thick. From looking at that picture, I would like to see her in person. From reading her article I found out that she is a little shorter than I thought. But besides her body, Big Lez doesn’t really do anything for me like Elise Neal, Suzanne Douglass, Nia Long; these women in my eyes are love, Lez is just a sexual fantasy, which could turn into love with time maybe or maybe not.

When I got home from work yesterday, there was a letter from Sausha in the mail box talking about our break up because she wants to be going out with her “so called” friend Teau. She called him late on a Sunday night and they went out riding or where ever. Then when I found out about that I got mad, she calls herself mad even after I tried to say forget about it, and she goes out with him again after I called and asked her out and she told me no. So this feels final to me because I have no urge to call her. Her and this guy have been in a little relationship before having sex and what not. But she says it didn’t feel right so they stopped. Yeah, it didn’t feel right after numerous times, going to hotels and shit like that. See, when she first told me this I thought that they had sex once and decided not to do it again because they felt they were too good of friends. But she was telling me one day how they used to go to hotels. I felt a little funny then about their on going friendship while she was supposed to be my girlfriend but I let it slide and said fuck it. But now I’m out of town and she’s going out with this cat, and she has been starting to look sexier and sexier to me so I know how she looks to him. And plus she knows that he wants to have sexual relations or have her as his anyway.

She want me to accept her going out “just a friend” with a guy who is hot for her. DO I LOOK LIKE BIZ MARKIE? I don’t think so. So in my mind, even though, I will not tell her this; in my mind, it’s him or me. Just like when Victoria and her – not have sex with me – decision; it was either no sex or me. She chose no sex. I just express my unhappiness with the situation, and if you are gonna just keep on fighting for your stance, I’m out, especially when I can go and get me someone new and maybe better.

Bottom line is, my woman ain’t gonna be running around town with a guy who has no known girlfriend to my knowledge, who wants my woman to be his. Fuck that. I don’t give a fuck what she says, I ain’t doing it, not from 400 miles away I ain’t. I wanted to be with Sausha but I ain’t dealing with this shit. She can go out with Teau all she wants and won’t have to answer to no one.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHO HAD “JUST A FRIEND” MALE BUT YOU FELT THEY WERE FUCKING BEHIND YOUR BACK, ESPECIALLY IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP BECAME LONG DISTANCE?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.3.1999

I AM REGRETFUL REGARDING THE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS DESCRIBED IN THIS JOURNAL ENTRY! I LEARNED, GREW AND PROGRESSED FROM THEM! NEVER WILL SUCH AN INCIDENT TAKE PLACE AGAIN IN MY LIFETIME!

For two years, I juggled between Lauren and Rebecca. how I did it I don’t know. But that shit has to catch up to you and one of the women has to find out. It is inevitable.

 I was basically going out with both of them. Rebecca and I would go out in Warren, and Lauren and I would go out in Youngstown. Lauren started hearing that I would be out in Warren with some white girl. I seen people from YSU from time to time who knew Lauren, but I didn’t think nothing of it. So someone saw me walking in a grocery store with a girl. We were walking around talking, no crime in that right.

I remember one day Lauren found a long white hair in my head. I told her that white people’s hair blow in the wind and one piece landed on me. Another day she found a strand in my bag where I kept my toothbrush. She didn’t really say anything and I didn’t start explaining anything. A little while after that, she found a receipt with Rebecca’s name on it in my bottle of cologne. It had Rebecca’s name and Discover card number on it. She brought it down and asked what it was. I had no answer. She told me to leave, and I did. I cared but I didn’t care because I had Rebecca supplying my sexual needs. I stayed away about two weeks indulging in lustful activity with Rebecca as always, but without interruptions of me having to go and spend a couple of nights with Lauren.

I went back to Lauren one night that I was bored. We made up after some serious begging, but it was never the same. I used to take her and pick her up from work. One day I picked her up when I wasn’t supposed to. She was walking out talking to this tall cat. Later I found out that she was seeing him. We broke up again, and I stayed away a long time just being with Rebecca.

I liked Rebecca but like I said, she was whore. I was with her because of the good sex and that was all. I didn’t love her. I liked her. I mean, how else could I have stayed with her my last two years of college. I suspect that Rebecca had many other sex partners behind my back in Youngstown and in Warren. One night, I even found a rubber in her pussy while I was fucking her. I stopped and pretended like I was hurt, but I didn’t care about that hoe. I did care about my sex life, and knew that it would never be the same without her. I couldn’t even stop seeing her even though I had Lauren whom I had grown to love and wanted to be with. The sexual experiences with Rebecca were too much for me to give up. Rebecca even told me of times she cheated. I did the same thing; acted like I cared, and that I was mad for an hour or two, then she would start sucking my dick and it was all forgotten about.

So I continued on with Rebecca. She had stopped going to school after one quarter of living in that apartment. She got a job working in Warren. She would work in Warren mid-nights, go to her moms house and go to sleep because by time she would have gotten to the apartment, I would have been leaving for my eight o’clock class. I always kept an eight o’clock class to try and prepare myself for work life in the real world. But you know what, I still stay in bed until the last minute. I’ve even gotten worse since I graduated college.

She would come home by time I got home from school. It was just me and Rebecca now. Movies, dinners, porn watching, fucking, sucking, eating. In fact during this time when I was with just her was when we experimented with the manage-a-trio. I never took her to any clubs or anything like that. I may as well have. Everybody saw us together. I didn’t care though. All of the pretty and sexy girls in Warren were with drug dealers or had legitimate boyfriends. Rebecca and Lauren were all I had.

At the time I was with Rebecca and Lauren, me and friends would go to Cleveland every weekend to Veils on the Circle. I loved that place. I took Lauren a couple of times with me when we were together. I guess I could have fucked some girls in Warren, if I hadn’t been going to Cleveland every weekend. I never went out in Warren until after my relationships with Lauren and Rebecca were over, and when Veils was getting tired. The most I’ve ever went out in Warren was when I first started talking to Sausha. We’d go to the Legion and sit there and drink and we’d go to The Most Wanted after hours spot to drink and dance.

So I thought that Rebecca was going to work, going over her mother’s house, and then coming home to put my dick in her mouth. She probably did stick to that program for awhile, but she strayed away. I don’t know what was Rebecca’s problem. Was she really a whore who just didn’t care, being young and all, or did she have a problem? I thought that maybe she had a problem because her dad used to beat her mom, which may have caused her to hate white men. She said she only jacked off one white dick. There was this one guy who used to call and hang up though, who she said was just her friend. She probably was fucking him. People used to call and hang up all the time or talk shit to me, and she’d claim she didn’t know who they were. But like I said I didn’t care. I had free room and board, free pussy and a mouth and occasionally an asshole to bust a nut in, and free clothes, movies, dinners, tapes, shoes. Rebecca supplied me with it all. I guess you can say I was her little trick bitch or pimp. While everybody else got a piece of the pussy, I got the pussy, money, and everything in between. Maybe her trauma with her mom and dad caused her to hate all men, and led her to believe they were all just for the fucking. She claimed she loved me and I believe she did, but she had a problem with fucking anyone who smiled at her and asked for her phone or pager number.  And she kept her pussy clean too; always douched, and took showers. I never smelt any kind of odor in that pussy.

Rebecca decided after a year and her lease was up that it was time for to move to Warren where her job was. It was in the summer. She moved to Jamestown Village right down the street from her job. She told me of some guy at her job who always stared at her, but never said anything to her and she said nothing to him. After about a month of living there, I did some investigative work and discovered that she had been fucking him. She was pregnant for the second time, and I had accepted the fact that she was going to have my baby. I pressured her into getting an abortion the first time. This time I was cool about it. I was about to graduate from college and this couldn’t hurt my college career. I had one quarter of school left in the fall.

One morning while at her house the phone rings. She answers and starts talking. I go to the other room and pick up the phone, and I hear some guy saying bye. I argued with her about who it was and left it alone. I think he wanted to hook up with her, but at that moment I was there. He had a girlfriend also, so she couldn’t go to his house. So I told her to give me some money so that I could go to the mall in Cleveland. I pretended that I left. But what I actually did was park my car down the street in another parking lot and crept back up to her door and she was talking to him on the phone. She told him that they could hook up I guess, and that she would be there. So I went and hid and watched her leave. When she left I left a note saying that I know she was fucking this guy and that I was getting a blood test when the baby was born.

I waited for her to come back home, and I hid in her closet. She came in, found the note, went to her room and called him. She was telling him what the note said and they started talking. I hear her saying something about “he’s gonna know its not his because he’s getting a blood test regardless.” When I heard that, I went into the room and started whipping her ass. I caught her with one good right hook to the eye and her eye just burst out with blood. She called 911 and started talking to them and I got on the phone and started talking to them. I was upset that she lied to me and got busted. If she would have told me that the baby was his and I wouldn’t have caught her in that lie, I would have just walked away and left her alone or kept fucking her.

Her family found out and everybody tried to get her to press charges against me. She didn’t though, but one day they forced her down town and had her fill out a report, and the police told her that she could call and they would put a warrant out whenever they wanted.

Rebecca and I made up after that and we started fuckin again. She was fucking both me and Thomas whom she was pregnant by. I would see come stains in her panties and on her bed and get mad from time to time and leave her alone, but we would eventually start fucking again. One day I left her house mad and she thought that I had taken her credit card. I went back later that day. She didn’t open the door, and as I was leaving, Calloway the cop comes and arrests me. She called and pressed charges because she thought I stole her credit card. Even after that we were still fucking. I just couldn’t stop fucking her. She couldn’t get pregnant again, and I was just addicted to her sex. I wanted it to be all mine sure, but when It really came down to it, I didn’t care, as long as I was busting nuts in the pussy, it balanced out her fucking Thomas at the same time.

We fucked until I went to court, and the judge sentenced me to twenty days. That day I went over her house and told her that I still wanted to be with her. I didn’t want to lose my sex. She said that she was going to be with Thomas. How would I treat her kid knowing it wasn’t mine and with the situation and all. I think what really drove her away was the fact that I beat her ass so badly and left a trade mark around her eye. It was reminiscent of her father beating her mom and she couldn’t take that, along with Thomas whispering sweet nothings in her ear. And I guess it was time to move on since I was planning after graduation from college to move to NY and live happily ever after, and leave Rebecca in the dust anyway.

I started seeing Elizabeth. We couldn’t have good sex because she lived with her mom. But I liked Elizabeth. She was like a woman I would have liked to have been my wife, but she didn’t have her shit together. I liked the fact that she had grown up with both parents in a nice home. Everybody knew about the Wilsons from her brother Robert who had all the nice cars from age 16 on: Mustang 5.0, Chevy Blazer, Benz. I lost track after the Benz. Plus I heard Elizabeth was sucking dick back when I was in ninth grade and she was in the 11th. I didn’t even know her then. But when I ran into her, she looked good. I don’t even know what gave me the confidence to holla at her that night. It was my frat brother’s college graduation party. She had long hair, well done, which later I found out was a weave. She looked very beautiful and woman like.

As I got to know Elizabeth, she told me that she was going through a divorce. She didn’t seem too hurt by it so I didn’t think nothing of it. Later on in life after hooking up with her again, I found that she was very hurt by it. She never washed her pussy apparently because the few times we did have sex, after we were done, it stanked. I told her about it and we talked about it, but it still stanked the next time. That caused us to get bitter with each other, but she was pregnant, and said that she was getting an abortion. So we broke up and there I was sexless. I didn’t go back to Lauren or Rebecca. Lauren was with the guy from work Jamelle, and Rebecca was with Thomas. But at the same time as I was messing with Elizabeth, I met this sweet little girl at work named Sausha.

Sausha didn’t have anything I wanted. Well, she had some nice tidies that I noticed right off. She didn’t look sexually skilled. She wore baggy clothes and tennis shoes to work, and she wore glasses. I started talking to her on a friendly level and I started giving her rides home, and I started liking her on the low. One day she disappeared from work, had quit I guess. I left a note on her door saying that I had started liking her and left my number on it. She called me and we started talking. I thought she was sweet, quiet and innocent. We’d talk on the phone and I’d give her rides places and stop over her house sometimes and talk to her. It was cool. One night we went over my over my grandmother’s house and watched a movie or two. She sat there quietly and ate all of my grandmother’s candy. This was October right around sweetest day.

On Sweetest day I bought her a card, and I called her to tell her that I was bringing it over. A couple of days before that she was all dry on the phone with me and not returning my phone calls. On this day, she tells me that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Now I had already written out a nice little card for her. I said to myself, “self, you going over to her house and deliver this card because you bought it for her and you’ve already written the passage, especially for her.” So I goes over to her house and knock at the door. She sticks her head out of her bedroom window an says “—, I thought I told you that I didn’t want to talk to you any more.” I said, “Well, I already bought the card, the least you can do is take it.” She comes down and gets the card and says thank you and I start to leave. Just as I am halfway to the car, I hear a voice saying “punk you come back and I’ll kick yo ass.” I turns around and it’s her kidz father Snowman. So I turn back around and just walk to the car. I mean what was I to say, she wasn’t my girl, and I wasn’t expecting him to be there. I gets in the car, and here comes this fool running toward the car. I starts it up to leave and as I am driving away he throws a garbage can at the car in an attempt to bust the window. He missed and I kept on driving. I thought to myself that, “Sausha played me” and left it alone, and I never called her after that or went over to her house.

WAS THERE EVER A TIME YOU WERE PUSSY WHIPPED OR DICK-MA-TIZED; HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS CLEARLY MANIPULATING AND/OR ABUSING YOU? HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN A VICTIM OR PERPETRATOR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?