Jrnl Entry No. 4.16.2000

I was stressing my cousin Romeo all last week about marriage and what should be the most important thing I should be looking for in a wife. I also e-mailed two of my frat brothers with the same question: Tyrone Johnson and Charles Roberts.

Now why was asking them these questions? Well Lauren is 28 and we have rekindled our flame once again for what will probably be the last time since we started being together six years ago. I always end up going over her house once a year and we have good sex, and maybe a couple times after that, and then we quit because either she has a boyfriend or I have some situation on my hands. Well this time when I went over there, I had been broken up from Sausha for three months already, and I was just fucking Rebecca on my visits back to town to see my daughter.

Lauren didn’t have a guy that she really liked at the time so we did our usual thing. I’ve always in the past hoped that we could get back together like we were before, but this time I really didn’t care; getting back together was not even a thought in my mind. From the way she was talking though, it was of some interest to her for us to be together, but I brushed those interest off. She came to N.Y. and visited me and was being nice to me, but I wasn’t responding to her.

Well anyway, in my loneliness at my apartment in Queens I kind of made up my mind that I should try and be with her, and maybe we could get our relationship back on track. I started asking her to come and live with me. She said no and gave me all kind of excuses. Eventually she started thinking about it. She came to me with us getting married first, and then we could be together. I said marriage was not in the plans at least until we live together for a year to see if we could make it here in N.Y. together and if we even liked each other that much, or was it just lust for each other.

She claims that she loves and/or has loved me more than I love/loved her. The way she was treating me over the last two or three years, I couldn’t tell. But I started thinking about all the good points about Lauren. She can be sexy like I want her to be. She has a nice little jello-ton ass that she works very well in bed. She would probably try anything sexually that I wanted (there has been minute talk about trois with another man and with another woman), and we’ve even had anal sex once. She treats me good when she is not madd. She has a job to support herself and her kids.

The things I don’t like about her are for one she still dresses corny from time to time in these little funky shirts that could be fly if she knew how and what to rock them with. And most of the time I see her, she is not wearing pants that express the beauty and roundness of her ass, which turns me on. She has started wearing hair pieces now, which I do not like a woman who doesn’t wear her natural hair. She doesn’t exactly dress her kids like I would like them to be dressed probably because she can’t afford it. Her job as an assistant manager at a bank probably wouldn’t bring in enough income for all five of us to survive in N.Y. And I just found out that her two boys aren’t doing well in school, which means if they move here, they are probably gonna be dummies and have to be living with us for the rest of their lives.

After I spent a weekend with Lauren, I was really thinking about marriage and asking all these questions. I think that I am not in love with her. I love many things about her, but I am not in love with her anymore. The love could grow which is why I want to live together for a year before just jumping into marriage. I feel in love with her before, but it went away.

I was talking to my one frat brothers about the meeting of his wife and what not. He said that his marriage was more than just love. Marriage is a job, and a business decision. When he said that, something snapped in my head. He is right, it is a business decision. And me marrying Lauren or Sausha would not be a good business decision at this time in my life because they can’t really help my bottom line on the business end of things. I also thought that I only really think of them when I am horny from not having sex in a week or two. After I have sex with them, I’m alright for another week. I think that l love Sausha more than Lauren, but Sausha doesn’t have that good pussy that Lauran has.

I’m steady trying to find me a real woman here who has a real job and a real life who wants a real man, but I haven’t had any luck. I don’t know, but last night I was thinking about Sausha real heavy because I haven’t seen her in like a month. I believe it is my loneliness that drives me to think heavily about them. I think that my loneliness will eventually drive me to being with one of them. I’m trying to put up a good fight, but I’m losing the battle. I don’t want to struggle with someone else’s kids, but these are the only women I have in my life.

That bullshit about a man can have any woman he wants is turning out to be just that, BULLSHIT. A man can’t have a woman if she doesn’t want him or if she already has a man. Or in the case of N.Y., if she is too scared to take a chance and meet someone who talks to her while she is out shopping. It’s the women who have all the control. Sometimes they give up that control to a man who has money, power, status, but for the average guy like me, they have all the control. I don’t seem to have anything these women in N.Y. want. For one, I look too young. I know that is the main problem. Lauren wanted me and she got me. I wanted Lynaye, Veronique, Lynette, and I still am messing with Lauren who wanted me. I have never had a woman I really wanted besides Samantha in 12^th grade. I wanted us to happen, and we did, and we were in love. Our love got interrupted by race.

Jrnl Entry No. 3.6.2000

Well I talked to Lauren over the weekend, and she said that she was giving consideration to moving here with me. I guess I would like to see if it could be like it was when I fell in Love with her. She was so sweet to me; we went places and did things. She’s going Wednesday to VA to go see about her uncle so she says, and to look into an apartment. I have a feeling that she is not going to come here with me. She told me that her kidz say they don’t want to move here. They want to move to VA. I told her like I told Sausha: kids will adjust.

I didn’t do much this weekend. Friday I was with Kathy after work, and went to some free jazz shit at the Modern Museum of Art which was pretty cool. We went back to her apartment after that. One of her roommates was having a party. She didn’t want to attend, but I told her that since we were there, we may as well go out there to have a couple of drinks and chat for a while. She wanted to go back to her room so we did after about twenty minutes of sitting out there listening to talk about Law School at Columbia and NYU.

We went back to her room and watched T.V. I noticed she doesn’t have a pleasant looking ass, and that she doesn’t wear thongs, which was kind of turning me off a little. Her ass would probably look nice if she let it loose from those little girl panties that she wears. I like her lips though. But ultimately, she is wack and I can’t have her. I sat in her room until 2 A.M. We got to kissing before I left. I was going to go after the ass, but she was grabbing my hand when I put it up her shirt talking about she was ticklish. So I stopped and got ready to go home.

Saturday I stayed in the house all day until six when I went to The Garden State Plaza Mall in Jersey to go and get some batteries for my watches. The one Romeo bought me for graduation, I dropped it at a Biggie Smalls concert, and it hasn’t worked since. I never took the time to get a battery for it or go and get it checked out. I thought something else was wrong with it since I had dropped it, but turns out it just needed a battery. I bought another watch after that one broke, a Kenneth Cole Watch. So now I have two watches; a Seiko and a Kenneth Cole. Both are pretty nice watches, but the ultimate watch that I want to get around my wrist is a Mavado. Everyone, especially rappers go crazy over Rolex with diamonds in it. Rolex aren’t anything special but a name and a price, but Mavado has a unique look to it like it should cost what you pay for it.

Sunday I didn’t do anything but go to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I cooked at around 7 P.M., a boneless rib piece, some potatoes, and corn. I ate and started watching Surviving The game with Ice Tee and Charles S. Dutton. I called Lauren for a second time around 12 A.M. I gets lonely in that apartment, and need someone there or someone to talk to. I guess that is why I have been trying to get someone to move in with me.

I haven’t had any luck with New York girls and starting relations with them so I gots to resort back to home. I would love to have Lauren around with her little sexy self. But if she doesn’t move with me them I guess I will just chill and wait to find a girl in N.Y. I’m not gonna get back with Sausha because that is not what I really want. She is lacking in a lot of areas as far as I am concerned. She seems strong and ready to move on with her life, so I’ll let her.

I started a melody to a song on Saturday with the guitar instrument off one of my disk. It’s gonna be like a slow beat, kind of funky. I think I should just follow my heart when it comes to creating songs, and stop being concerned with what is playing on the radio, and what the hottest rappers like DMX and Jay Z are blowing up with. If what’s in my heart doesn’t get me to where I want to be in Hip Hop, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. If I don’t get any production deals or if I don’t find a job that I’m interested in paying me well, I’ll probably move from New York. This place ain’t worth the head ache. I’ll probably move to Atlanta and live a simple life; that is probably when my production career will kick off if it doesn’t kick off in New York. I’ll probably always keep the dream alive of being a producer. I’m gonna go home today and finish that song I started or get most of it done.

I probably won’t call Lauren today since she says I am calling more than I have ever called. I wonder does she know what she was doing when she let me take those pictures. Maybe she did or maybe she didn’t, but whatever the case, I have them in my bathroom mirror, and I look at them and just think how nice it would be to have her by my side the way we used to be. I think I will give that advice out to women. If you want to keep yourself on a man’s mind, let him take some sexy pictures of you in thongs and what not. He will never forget you. Well he could forget you if he has a woman walking around the house on a regular in thongs providing him with good sex like how I had Rebecca; I had forgotten all about Lauren. It wasn’t until I was single again that I thought about Lauren again. But I thought I was over Lauren completely, but as you see I am not, and I guess I never will be, and with the pictures, I will probably never ever forget about her.

My dad is over 50 years old, and told me a story about a woman he used to date that he lost touch with when he moved to Florida from Warren. He says he still has thoughts about that woman. I will probably be like that about Lauren if she doesn’t come to stay with me. Sure I will move on, but in the back of mind will always be Lauren. I hope I don’t have to live like that. Most people do, and as fate will have it, I probably will too.

Jrnl Entry No. 3.3.2000

Well I spoke with Lauren last night about us getting together. She said that everything was fine just the way it is. She wanted to be with me but I am in N.Y. and she is moving to Virginia. She basically said that she doesn’t want to move here. I am not moving to Richmond, Virginia. Shit for all that I may as well have not left Warren, Ohio. So I guess that is the end of that thought. I won’t ask her again; I may not even talk to her anymore; just stay away from he and get her out of my system.

Sausha wrote me a letter talking about stay away from her until I’m sure about her coming to live with me and us being together. So I’ll stay away from her too. I really don’t want to be with her. She has a lot of growing to do, and I can’t wait on her to grow. I’m grown and know what I want.

So here I am once again hoeless. I’m not going to fuck Rebecca’s fat ass anymore neither. When I go home, my time will be completely dedicated to my daughter. I called her mom last night and she said that she was going out of town this week, which is probably a lie, but fuck her, I ain’t stressin’ her no more about seeing my daughter. She wants to keep me away from my daughter so be it. So I guess it will be just me and Kathy until I find someone else who better suits my taste.

Fuck the thought of getting with Rhonda. I just have to realize that I moved and I left that town behind. I can’t expect to build a relationship from 400 miles away. I also need to realize that besides good pussy and good looks that Lauren, Rhonda, nor Sausha have anything to offer me. They don’t have degrees or careers. Well Lauren does have a history with bookkeeping now, and that could turn into a nice salary later on, which is why she is the number one prospect of the bunch. But Lauren doesn’t want to be with me, which is no big deal. LAUREN! You think you are punishing me; secretly getting revenge or whatever, No you are not! What you are actually doing is giving me the opportunity to find someone better than you because you are in no way the top cream of the crop. I am just used to you and like you a lot because I know you. But when it really comes down to it you are the one, and you are not the one; there is a balance. You are giving me the chance to really find the one totally; career, good looks, good sex, and less or no kidz to take care of. I would like to be with you, but if not, HEY! You know me, I’ll maintain and stay up.

Kathy is cool, a law student, kind of intelligent, but her Hip Hop knowledge is limited which I don’t like. She didn’t know who Redman and Keith Murry was when they showed their faces in the movie “Ride.” She is also very skinny too. She probably doesn’t wear thong underwear. I ain’t got time to be telling another woman about wearing thongs or complaining about her underwear. If she is not a freak, it is not gonna get far. She is the most promising girl I’ve ever talked to. A lawyer salary won’t be bad together with mine in the future. We could have some things. She seems to like me. I guess that is how it goes; the people who like you, you don’t like; the people you like, don’t like you.

I think the reason why I was thinking about Lauren so tough anyway was because of those pictures. I put them in my bathroom mirror. I would love to have that ass walking around in my house permanently but it looks like that is not gonna take place. I think I will keep them there though to remind me of the type of ass that I want. I find myself talking to women like Kathy that I don’t necessarily like. I just be horny and talk to the first woman I can who doesn’t look bad and who is not fat.

I need to get this under control. From this point on I’m not gonna talk to any woman unless I really like most things about her at first sight. I’ve been going crazy here in N.Y. trying to talk to women. I am not gonna stress it anymore. I’ve been going out to bars and to malls trying to meet women. I met a few but they never called me. I called them and they were never home. So fuck trying to meet women here. If I meet one I do; if I don’t I don’t.

Lauren just called me at work and told me that she told her manager she wanted to transfer to VA. I asked her one more time would she come here, and she said her kidz are too little. See bitches always got an excuse for when a nigga is really serious with they asses. She has been stressing me for years to be with her. She actually talked about moving to N.Y. when we were together in our happy days. Now when it is possible, and everything could come together, she has an excuse. That is why women can’t be president because when they think they are so independent, they are still actually not able to go completely on their own with no support system and live for themselves, by themselves. Lauren just said that when she gets married she doesn’t want to be near her family. She has family in VA. Here in N.Y. we would be by ourselves with no family for 6 hours and 400 miles away. Yet, she has an excuse of why she doesn’t want to come here. Look at me, I guess I really think I want her in my life. Maybe I do at this point. She would probably make me happiest, but fuck it.

I’m gonna chill with Kathy this weekend, or maybe go out with the girl I met outside Justin’s on Tuesday night. She called me last night because I paged her and said that she would call me today at work or leave a message at my home. I ain’t going out to no clubs. I ‘ll have to figure out another way to meet women. I guess you can’t meet girls at a club, or at least I haven’t been so successful with it. I guess my car isn’t big enough.

HAVE YOU IN YOUR LIFE HAD TROUBLE MEETING MEN/WOMEN, TALKING AND GOING ON DATES?