Jrnl Entry No. 4.16.2000

I was stressing my cousin Romeo all last week about marriage and what should be the most important thing I should be looking for in a wife. I also e-mailed two of my frat brothers with the same question: Tyrone Johnson and Charles Roberts.

Now why was asking them these questions? Well Lauren is 28 and we have rekindled our flame once again for what will probably be the last time since we started being together six years ago. I always end up going over her house once a year and we have good sex, and maybe a couple times after that, and then we quit because either she has a boyfriend or I have some situation on my hands. Well this time when I went over there, I had been broken up from Sausha for three months already, and I was just fucking Rebecca on my visits back to town to see my daughter.

Lauren didn’t have a guy that she really liked at the time so we did our usual thing. I’ve always in the past hoped that we could get back together like we were before, but this time I really didn’t care; getting back together was not even a thought in my mind. From the way she was talking though, it was of some interest to her for us to be together, but I brushed those interest off. She came to N.Y. and visited me and was being nice to me, but I wasn’t responding to her.

Well anyway, in my loneliness at my apartment in Queens I kind of made up my mind that I should try and be with her, and maybe we could get our relationship back on track. I started asking her to come and live with me. She said no and gave me all kind of excuses. Eventually she started thinking about it. She came to me with us getting married first, and then we could be together. I said marriage was not in the plans at least until we live together for a year to see if we could make it here in N.Y. together and if we even liked each other that much, or was it just lust for each other.

She claims that she loves and/or has loved me more than I love/loved her. The way she was treating me over the last two or three years, I couldn’t tell. But I started thinking about all the good points about Lauren. She can be sexy like I want her to be. She has a nice little jello-ton ass that she works very well in bed. She would probably try anything sexually that I wanted (there has been minute talk about trois with another man and with another woman), and we’ve even had anal sex once. She treats me good when she is not madd. She has a job to support herself and her kids.

The things I don’t like about her are for one she still dresses corny from time to time in these little funky shirts that could be fly if she knew how and what to rock them with. And most of the time I see her, she is not wearing pants that express the beauty and roundness of her ass, which turns me on. She has started wearing hair pieces now, which I do not like a woman who doesn’t wear her natural hair. She doesn’t exactly dress her kids like I would like them to be dressed probably because she can’t afford it. Her job as an assistant manager at a bank probably wouldn’t bring in enough income for all five of us to survive in N.Y. And I just found out that her two boys aren’t doing well in school, which means if they move here, they are probably gonna be dummies and have to be living with us for the rest of their lives.

After I spent a weekend with Lauren, I was really thinking about marriage and asking all these questions. I think that I am not in love with her. I love many things about her, but I am not in love with her anymore. The love could grow which is why I want to live together for a year before just jumping into marriage. I feel in love with her before, but it went away.

I was talking to my one frat brothers about the meeting of his wife and what not. He said that his marriage was more than just love. Marriage is a job, and a business decision. When he said that, something snapped in my head. He is right, it is a business decision. And me marrying Lauren or Sausha would not be a good business decision at this time in my life because they can’t really help my bottom line on the business end of things. I also thought that I only really think of them when I am horny from not having sex in a week or two. After I have sex with them, I’m alright for another week. I think that l love Sausha more than Lauren, but Sausha doesn’t have that good pussy that Lauran has.

I’m steady trying to find me a real woman here who has a real job and a real life who wants a real man, but I haven’t had any luck. I don’t know, but last night I was thinking about Sausha real heavy because I haven’t seen her in like a month. I believe it is my loneliness that drives me to think heavily about them. I think that my loneliness will eventually drive me to being with one of them. I’m trying to put up a good fight, but I’m losing the battle. I don’t want to struggle with someone else’s kids, but these are the only women I have in my life.

That bullshit about a man can have any woman he wants is turning out to be just that, BULLSHIT. A man can’t have a woman if she doesn’t want him or if she already has a man. Or in the case of N.Y., if she is too scared to take a chance and meet someone who talks to her while she is out shopping. It’s the women who have all the control. Sometimes they give up that control to a man who has money, power, status, but for the average guy like me, they have all the control. I don’t seem to have anything these women in N.Y. want. For one, I look too young. I know that is the main problem. Lauren wanted me and she got me. I wanted Lynaye, Veronique, Lynette, and I still am messing with Lauren who wanted me. I have never had a woman I really wanted besides Samantha in 12th grade. I wanted us to happen, and we did, and we were in love. Our love got interrupted by race.

Jrnl Entry No. 11.5.1999

So I work at The Gap on 34th St. Harold Square right. NYC. Started on Sat Oct 30, 1999. I’m telling you seriously there are mad bitches there. My first day I was dizzy at the end of the day from trying to get a view of every ass that passed me by. And not only are there mad bitches who work there, but there are mad bitches who come through to shop. And there are a variety of bitches: Latino, Rican, West Indian, Jamaican, European, British, Londonish, Bronxish, Queenish, Harlemish, Spanish. They are in all different shapes, shades and sizes, speaking different languages. I tell you, it was crazy.

I said to myself that I wish I knew every language that the people spoke who came through that store. I seen so much ass on the one day switching by me that I had to go home and jack off that night. But after working there for a week, I’ve calmed down now and am back to normal. There are about four bitches there that I would just love to be fucking. Lets see, there is Massiel: she is like Latino or something to that effect with very light skin. She is nice and thick with hips, thighs, and a nice spread out ass in the back, and a nice amount of thick tidys in the front to go with everything else. She is 18 years old, a sweet little thing.

Most of the bitches who work there are like 18, 19, 20. No one knows me and I look young as hell anyway so everyone says, so I tell all the girls that I am 21. I’ve pretty muc h gotten all of the names from the bitches that I would love to fuck the shit out of with my long dick. There is this one Rican chick. She is lovely and so cute, short, with a nice big little ass. When I first saw her I was like “she is beautiful.” I asked her name one day when she and a couple of her friends were going on lunch break the same time I was and we were all headed to the mall across the street. She told me her name, gave me a little fake smile and kept walking not paying me any attention. I went about my way. I look at her every time I pass her and she gives me no eye contact. I haven’t spoken to her again since that day going to the mall and she hasn’t spoken to me, so I’m like fuck the little bitch. I forgot her name anyway, some weird shit that started with a “U”. While I’m like fuck her, she probably wants to suck all the blood out of my dick. That is the way these bitches work around here. They want you to beg them for attention, but I ain’t witt all that bullshit. If you like me you better give me some eye contact and let me know.

There is this other bitch also. Now I haven’t gotten around to asking her name yet, but I started just speaking to her once a day on the walk by, and she speaks back so that is a start. She is tall and slim but her ass is in proportion with her body and it looks nice. She is fly to me. On the first day I saw her she was wearing this Gap Blue-Jean- skirt knee length, with some black boots knee length, and a nice top. When you look at her, you may be tempted to say that she is ugly, I may even be tempted to say right now that she is ugly, but there is just something that I like about her. For one, when she walks, she always keeps her head up and she has this little bounce like she is walking on a runway for models. She doesn’t wear make-up or maybe just not to work. I am a sucker for a natural face and natural hair, which she also has. Her face is skinny, which is probably the reason to say that she is ugly. She dresses kind of simple in jeans and boots and tops, which, I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but “that is all you need to wear.” So her sexy walk combined with the simple fly way that she dresses has got me looking at her every time I pass her. The other day, just as I reached down stairs on the escalator, she put her hand on her ass and like rubbed down the crack, and I was like woah, it was just some sexy shit that bitches do but don’t even know that they are doing it.

Lets see, who else is there. Oh, this white, or I guess she is white, she look white. I got her name two days ago, and I just forgot as I wrote those works there before the comma. But anyway, this short bitch has a nice big ole ass and no stomach to go with it like most who have an ass like hers. We were in the lunch-room together and I sat at her table and she was talking to some other people and I jumped into the conversation. I noticed her ass the first day I started working there. She seemed pretty cool and I had thoughts that maybe there was a chance to get on, and then it came out through a conversation she was having with this guy at the table about cooking . He was telling another girl what he had cooked the night before, and the girl with the big ass was like “you didn’t cook that.” So he says “I can cook, invite me over to your house and I’ll cook you dinner.” She says “yeah, I’ll invite you over, but you’ll have to cook for five.” I’m thinking like “what, she lives with her mom and dad and brother or sister, and he would have to cook for all of them.” So I says “why would he have to cook for five?” She says, “for me, my three kidz and for himself.” So goes my thoughts of fucking all that ass from the back doggie style.

I’m not fucking with another bitch who has three kidz. I told myself this when I Stopped messing with Lauren. Sausha ass came along and fooled my ass. I thought she had two, but then she springs on me that she was pregnant when we met, and she had another little boy. I probably would have still talked to her at the time because I was pussyless when she came along. I have a thing about kidz. If a woman has more than one kid and she is single, she doesn’t need to be bullshitted, fucked and just left alone. I don’t like to do that type of shit to no one, but especially to a woman with kidz. The woman probably just wants a piece of dick anyway too, but some reason, I just don’t believe in casual relationships. Kidz are a big responsibility that I can handle and will handle in the case of Sausha. But on second thought, I’d rather not do it because it’s going to get expensive in the future. But my reasoning is that someone got to take of them in the future or they will be fucked up kidz makin’ the world more fucked up than it already is. We got to take care of our own, even if they are not our own. With Sausha, it was a horny thing, but also, she is the type of girl that I want in my life: natural, fine little body, well-manored, soft spoken, wants to do better, and willing to please, and doesn’t ask for much. I mean she wasn’t just an easy piece of pussy that had no other qualities I liked. But if there is a next time around, no kidz, or one kid no matter how horny I am, and how much they are giving me clues that the pussy is mine.

And I just didn’t expect  that white bitch to have any kidz. Our minds are programmed to think that white bitches don’t have all them babies without a ring on their finger. Maybe she was married, I don’t know. I think all bitches are stupid for that shit. Like Chris Rock said “yeah, you can raise a child on your own, it can be done, but its not a good fuckin idea. I mean you can jump out of a moving car going 50 miles and hour, it can be done, but its not a good fuckin’ idea.” Rather its one kid or three, it shouldn’t be without marriage. If the marriage breaks up cool, at least you can say you tried to do the right thing and it just didn’t work out. And if you were married, it’s all legal. After the divorce, you got child support and alimony coming. And most likely, if a man had a child with you in a loving marriage he is going to want to be bothered with his children; therefore, the child still has its father in its life.

And bitches try to justify it when they have a couple of kidz saying “they all have the same father.” That is a plus in its own right, but if the mutha fucka ain’t there and he ain’t takin care of his kidz neither, you look stupid. And the bitches with one kid think they are just so much better than the ones with two or three or four, like Rhonda for example. This bitch thinks that she has only one kid who is like seven or eight so HORRAY! HORRAY! She keeps herself fly and drives a dependable car, nothing worth mentioning though. She doesn’t have a college degree but works at one place makin’ nine dollars an hour, and works at Marshalls as a second job. And plus she still lives at home with her mom because she can’t afford her own apartment. She thinks she better than Sausha because she doesn’t live in the projects, she has her own car, only one kid and she dresses and looks better. I say no! She is on the same level with Sausha because like Sausha, she doesn’t have a career job; like Sausha, the father of her child doesn’t take care of it because he is not with her. Sausha lives on her own in the projects, but it ain’t no easy task. Rhonda lives with her mom, which allows her the luxury to buy a car and nice clothes to look nice. Move out of your momma’s house and lets see what car you drive and what clothes you wear.

I’m out on my own now, and can’t afford to buy nothing. So in my eyes, they both just as stupid for having a kid by a mutha fucka not knowing if he was going to be there to take care of the child. If you ain’t locked in by legal marriage, you are stupid for having a child plain and simple. You look dumb to me. Its just an opinion of mine though. Like my man Donald said one day, “that’s just your opinion, what about the other thousands.”

And there are a couple other bitches that I would like to fuck but I’ll skip the details. I like having this second job because it’s fun. I get to talk to people and fuck with customers and shit. Its all good and that money comes in hand.