Jrnl Entry No. 4.5.2000

So I went to see my cousin Romeo in Florida for the first time since he moved there like three, four years ago. He picked me up that Thursday night in his wife’s 500 SL Benz convertible. She is in love with convertibles every since she had a Pontiac Thunderbird back in the day before Romeo even met her. I was hoping that he would pick me up in the Toyota Land Cruiser that he has. But he is leasing it, and as I saw he is close on his mileage for the year.

We got to his house in Florida from the airport about 1 A.M. The house was beautiful on the outside, with a big yard on all four sides. When I got into the inside, it was not what I was expecting. I find that nothing never is what you expect once you get your eyes on what you’ve been imagining. The house was cool except for the fact that the family room was too small. The bedrooms were of a good size. The main bathroom was very nice. And the patio out back was also nice. It’s a nice home; I’d take it and chill.

Romeo and I sat up until like 3:30 A.M. and talked about mainly the music industry. He was telling me to start bugging some people that I see, or just talk to whomever I see who ever had or has anything to do with the music industry. I guess maybe this summer I’ll see more people like I saw when I first got here in the late summer and early fall. On our way back from the airport, we had a few reminiscent conversations about Jennifer, his old girlfriend from high school when he was a senior. She was like one of the most wanted girls at that time and he had her. She was also an excellent student all throughout her grade school career, like straight A.

Yeah Jennifer seemed to have a promising future ahead of her, a definite success you know. After high school, she went on to Oberlin University for a year I believe. When she returned home for the summer I think it all went bad. There were stories that she was smoking, which no one never thought she would ever do; smoke cigarettes. There were stories that she was messing around with one of the Coldwater boys round town, and that she was pregnant by him. I guess no one ever expected her to be messing with one of these guys who weren’t really doing anything special with they lives at that time. And especially, no one expected Jennifer to be having anyone’s baby.

I wonder if she was dragged down by her friend Amy who wasn’t doing anything special with her life at the time but hanging out and what not. Amy and Jennifer were really good friends in high school which is how Jennifer and Romeo got hooked up in the first place. Amy used to date my other cousin Jeff when he was home from Mississippi during the summers. But anyway, Romeo and I just said that we would like to see Jennifer and talk with her. If all that was rumored is true, I would like to ask her what happened to her life. How could one of the most promising beautiful young ladies in town turn out to be really nothing?

We talked about the class of 90 high school reunion. Now this was the class of all classes to graduate from at Warren Western Reserve. All the girls: Jennifer, Sherry, Alissa, Alice, Monica, Susan, Marilyn, Sally, Cicely, Brianna, “Big Booty” Leslie, Carmen, Tierra, etc. All the guys: Aderale, Long, Sachel, Wicky, Maxumus, Mortimer (R.I.P.), Tyus, Collin, Rutherford, Barney, Jordan, White, etc. I mean this was just your all out cool class of kidz. If these people were at a party along with some other people, the party was considered live.

Friday we chilled in the morning until his wife got back from their accounting and business management business. At 3:00 P.M. they had to go and close the deed of their three and half acres of land to build a new house on. Everything about the closing was good to go except $900 which was to go to the Association for the neighborhood to build tennis courts and swimming pools and shit like that. They were arguing that the $900 was not disclosed to them in the beginning and that they were not gonna pay, and also that the $900, it was to be paid upon first transfer of the deed from developer to buyer. Well the buyer transferred the deed to one of its other entities first, and this would be the second transfer of the deed. They had a $150,000 piece of land, nice size lot, for $117,500. Now was the time to play hardball. The seller didn’t want to budge on the $900, so we all decided that we should leave and say no deal, and let the seller think about it.

So we left and went so they could show me their tax preparation and business management business. It was a little place, not that nice looking, with mainly white people not dressed so well, some looking dirty, running in and out. I was expecting to see some attractive women or something, but all I saw were these fat unkempt white ladies coming in. They prepare taxes, manage household bills, and give clients a monthly cash projection considering projected cash coming in and based on last month’s bills to be paid with a slight uptick for variation sake of certain bills such as phone, light and gas/air bill. While we were there, the seller of the land called back with an offer to pay $500 of the $900, and they agreed. We then went back and they signed the deed and now they have it. See I read over the internet once that you should, even when the deal is surely in your hands, walk out one last time, and you’ll be surprised at what you get. They got to pay $400 for neighborhood association cost instead of $900.

That night we had a bar-b-que at their house with some friends of theirs. They had one single girl come by to entertain my eyes by the name of Rolonda. She was nice looking, tall, body was alright. I thought she had weave in her hair, but it turned out to be hers, which I found out the next night when we went out and came back to her apartment to chill. While at her apartment, we had a nice little conversation for about an hour and a half and then I started making moves on her. At first she wasn’t totally with it, but she gave in and started kissing me. We didn’t do much else because you know how women like to try and act like they don’t fuck on the first date. I say if you’re hot, just do it because chances are, you’re gonna do it a couple of days later anyway.

I got a chance to see Daytona Beach Black College Reunion earlier that day. It was mostly a bunch of ugly girls with their asses hanging out, getting felt on all day as they walked past guys. There were a few out of sight asses I saw though. It was cool, about what I expected it to be. Sunday morning I was back at the airport to fly back to New York.

Looking at my cousin and the way he is living. I think he is happy and unhappy at the same time. I really can’t recite a reason as to why I feel this way, but I just do. I know one thing I noticed is that his wife is not the sexiest thing. I just didn’t find anything in her that was sexy to me to make me think like “he is a lucky man to have this ass walking around this house and sleeping with him.” He is twenty nine, so I know he is thinking on that level also, but he probably just lives with it. And who knows, maybe he likes it that way. Or maybe he thinks that it is not the most important thing. But I don’t see why she doesn’t always look tight. She has two kids, but that is always the excuse of women. What, ya’ll think that once ya’ll have a baby, ya’ll can just let ya’ll self go?

She got two kidz granted, but she doesn’t have to be at work at 8A.M. because she quit her job to go to school for her MBA, which now she is not going because the second baby was born. Now she works at the tax and business management place, which she owns so she can show up anytime she wants to, which should leave her time to get her shit together as far as gear goes; go shopping and get some sexier gear, and sexier doesn’t always mean tight. A woman in a nice pants suit with a nice pair of sculptured shoes is sexy. I know with me, I need to see my woman looking as good as the competition. I want her to stand out in the crowd like those other girls with the big asses and tight shit on getting all the attention from the men. It helps people to know that they got something desirable. Like with a new car, you want a car that you think others would want, that they would stare at, and wish they had one too; it makes you feel good.

I’ve tried to express to Romeo in every possible way that I am happy for him and his life. I want him to know that there is no jealousy on my part what so ever, or hate, or feeling like he owes me something now or in the future. I am glad that I know him, a guy driving a 1998 Toyota Landcruiser, who owns his own place of business, and who just purchased three and half acres of land to build a new home from the ground on. I wish I could live like that, but I don’t wish it was me instead of him. I wish we both could be living fat and just chilling and spending more time with each other really.

See Romeo is like my third cousin, kind of removed, but not really. I started hanging around him in the summer 87. We got close through Jeff, who is also our cousin. He and Jeff have always been close because they grew up in the same neighborhood during the summers when Jeff was in Warren from Mississippi. I don’t know how Romeo’s and my relationship started, but somehow during that summer in 87 we just connected and have been like brothers every since.

During his freshman year in college, during winter break, his dad was shot dead by his mom. I don’t know the story of what happened, but one morning she just shot him. After that summer, he went to DC to live with his sister, my cousin, Sary Kim. And he attended Howard University. I think he came home like once in the three or four years that he attended school in DC. I spoke with him periodically over the phone you know.

For his graduation, a group of his uncles and aunts drove from Warren to DC to attend his graduation, which would also be his marriage day to Eunice. I wasn’t gonna miss that trip, and I didn’t. I went, he graduated, he got married the same day, and there started his life.

He met Eunice in New York when he was interning there as an accountant for the summer. I guess she whipped a little pussy on him and licked his ass or something that summer. He went and attended his last semester of school, and they kept in touch. They visited his sister in New York that Christmas break and what not; she had moved there to work for Def Jam by then.

It was the perfect set up to wait on a man to graduate from college with the same degree you have, and would be making the same paper as you. Eunice is a smart girl wouldn’t you say? During that year of a long distance relationship, they came to the conclusion to get married without living together first or anything like that. They got married from conversations and one summer dating. Now they are living the American dream together: House, cars, 2.5 kids. I think Romeo wishes he had known her a little better before he jumped into this marriage. He told me of arguments and cries of “I want a divorce.” They are working through their problems I guess and have been together for 5 years. I think they might have gotten a divorce if the second baby hadn’t come along because right when he told me she was screaming divorce is when he told me, a couple of months later that she was pregnant.

I don’t know how happy or sad he or she is with the other, but they can’t be that unhappy purchasing land and building houses together, and steady building businesses. Maybe somewhere down the road, they will divorce and just become business partners or maybe not. I just want whatever will make him happiest because right now to me, he doesn’t look happy. I think they got married with the notion in mind, and maybe they even discussed it, about how much money they could save together, and what they could do with it. And that is exactly what they are doing: making and saving a lot of money, and doing a lot of things with it.

Me, my life is shit. The women who I am involved with have three kids and no career. I want a career in music, but that seems far away. I want to have a nice home and drive a nice car like Romeo. I want a wife who is making a good amount of cash to help me accomplish these things. I’m not insecure at all, and could even take a woman making more money than I am, just as long as she has time to show me love and attention, we all good. I’ve been trying to meet me a woman every since I got to New York, but I haven’t had any luck with that. And don’t give me that bullshit about you can’t meet a nice girl at a club or a guy. Hell, I be at the club sometimes and I am a helluva guy. But I’ve tried meeting them everywhere. New York is not a town to meet people in. I’ve talked to girls in the train station, in the music store, at restaurants, etc. No one is willing to exchange numbers, hook up and see if we can get along. I know I ain’t ugly, or maybe I am since I haven’t found a girl here in seven months. I’m not looking so much now, I’m like fuck it. But being alone is drawing me closer to these women who have nothing going in their lives but me. I love them, but I can’t help to think that taking care of three kids will hinder me in living how I really want to live, especially with no real solid help.

I’m broke to the bone now, and can’t even afford to go out. And this leads me to think that I am just wasting a lot of money and time here. I have no place else that I would like to go though except Atlanta which is too far away from my daughter.

DON’T HAVE KIDS, MAN OR WOMAN, WITHOUT A WIFE OF HUSBAND. I ain’t having no more.

So I’m like stuck right now, and may be stuck for what will seem like the rest of my life. How can I drive a Range Rover? Music! How can I build me a house from the ground? Music! In New York, how can I get a pretty bitch with a big ass? Music! Either music or hit the lotto, or maybe meeting me a bitch making some real money, which seems far off in my world right now.

I don’t know, I just don’t know. The way I’m living now, I don’t like it. In everybody’s eyes, it probably seems great for me to be living in N.Y. and for me to be driving a new car, and for me to have nice clothes, etc. But for me, I’m not finding the joy in it. And I ain’t going searching for it through no man in the sky.

Jrnl Entry No.12.27.1999

Back off of the Christmas weekend. I spent the whole weekend in N.Y. Friday I went and did some shopping at this mall in Jersey that I knew how to get to compliments of Melonie. I had a $50 gift certificate at The Gap given to me by my supervisor for Christmas. I wouldn’t have been able to drive in Manhattan and park my car during the day so I figured I’d go to Jersey to a mall and maybe shout at some honeys.

While in the Gap I saw this beautiful little honey walk in. She was short and petite. She had braids in her hair, but they were in a bun. Now you know how I talk about weave and braids, that I don’t like them, but she had that face that just struck me as unique and beautiful. I gave her a second look and decided that I’d talk to her. I got on line to buy my two shirts. After I made the purchase, I went looking for her. She was in line standing by herself. So I starts walking toward her and I’m looking at her. She gave me a glance, and I walked on by being scared you know. But then I circle back and walks up and starts talking to her; getting the usual info: name, age, etc. She was twenty six. I was like thank god because I keep running into 22 yr olds. Some how I asked the kill yourself question of did she have a boyfriend. She said yes. I talked to her about a minute more and then went about my way, biding her a nice day, and a “it was nice meeting you.”

I figure I’d walk around the mall some more and see what I could see. At this one particular time I seen this girl and she struck me because her face looked sexy; make-up well done, not too much, not too little. As I was looking at her she licked her lips and that struck a nerve. I was walking in the opposite direction. I didn’t even think, I just grabbed her. I kind of shocked her. We talked for a minute, and I got the info that she was 22 working for an advertising agency in Manhattan. She graduated from college, and that she already had someone sticking dick to her on a regular. I started walking around some more. I really didn’t see too many girls that I wanted to talk to after that so I started looking for the exit that I entered into, which I couldn’t find for like an hour.

When I left the mall, I stopped over Melonie’s house, but she wasn’t home. I then returned home. I went out to Club Speed. I saw about three or four girls in there that I wanted to talk to. There was this bad, body bangin’, sexy ass woman in there that I approached. She was West Indian I guess. She had a heavy accent. She was bullshitting me. First she told me that she was 28 then 30. She told me she was a cop in N.Y. Then she told me that she lived in Jamaica. I said “Jamaica, Queens?” She said, “no, Jamaica.” So I says you just told me you were a cop in N.Y. She burst out laughing. I asked her why she was trying to bullshit me? She got around to telling me that she was just at the club with her friend and wasn’t trying to meet anyone. She was telling me how the guys in that club had no class. They come and grab and touch on you out of the blue. I asked her how was my class rating? She said it was excellent, but she wasn’t interested in getting to know me better. After her I talked to another girl I had spotted earlier and she turned me down with the “I have a boyfriend line.” I went home.

Oh, I saw Melonie in the club and she was looking sexy. She danced with me and I asked her why had she been avoiding me? She said she wasn’t. She stopped dancing with me to go to the bathroom, and told me to wait there and she’d be back. She grabbed her friend and left. I said to myself, “if she is just goin’ to the bathroom, why did she take her girl with her?” I figured she wasn’t coming back. I waited there like 10 minutes and then walked away. I spotted her on the other side of the club. I didn’t look at her though. I could see her out the corner of my eye. I just stood there and waited to see if she was going to come up to me. She didn’t. So I was like fuck her then. I seen her a little while later by the area where she told me to wait for her. I said, “so you back from the bathroom now?” She said yes, and I just kept on walking.

As I was on my way home, I was thinking about Melonie, how I could probably get into her because I love a sexy woman. I called her when I got home and told her it was nice to see her , and I told her to call me tomorrow. She called and we had a cool little conversation as she was on her way to her mom’s house for dinner. I called her the next day and left a message on her answering machine that I wanted to see her that day. She never called back, so now I’m pretty much like fuck her again. At first it seemed like she was all on my nuts and ready to jump into this relationship. Now, it’s like she’s playing this game. And you know how I don’t tolerate games. So like I told myself, she has until New Years. If I am not fucking by New Years or close to it, she is dropped. I ain’t got time to be chasing after some pussy.

Me, Ricardo and Kenny went and hung out that Sunday. I thought these cats wanted to go to a club and chill. No, they wanted to ride around all night from club to club and catch the hoes going inside.

Excuse my language, I very much respect ladies, but when I’m writing or talking with my niggaz, I ain’t got time to sound politically correct, so fuck you and your thoughts of that is how I view women. I love women, especially those who love me back.

But any way we rode by The Tunnel and seen a couple of hot girls going inside. Around there is really no place to stop your car because the cops swarm the place. They didn’t really want to get out of the car because they were talking about how niggaz try to rob you. We rode around The Tunnel like three times and then headed for CLUB NEW YORK. Now, Club N.Y was off the hook, line outside and plenty of sexy fine asses walking up and down the street, especially after they announced that it would cost $50 – $150 to get in.

I was having like the time of my life out there. I must have hollered at about six girls, and no one really gave me any rhythm. This one girl, I gave her my number after joking with her for a while. I doubt if she will call though. We out there like for two three hours. Now Kenny and Ricardo were hollering at hoes from my car window expecting girls to stand there in the cold and talk to them. I told them no one is going to talk to you that way. So Ron and I started walking toward the line. I talked to a few girls on my way there, while I was in line, while we were walking away, when we got back to the car and honeys were walking toward the club. I was talking to every girl that I liked something about. That’s another thing I love about this city; the women, even though most won’t give you a number and let you call and get to know them, it is just beautiful to see so many of them on a regular basis when a club spot is hoppin’ off. I had big fun last night just talking with various young ladies and getting nothing back. I don’t know if it’s a good thing to be seeing so many nice shaped asses right in front of your face, when you jump at the chance to get to know them, they turn you down.

Well Caroline, the 30 year old woman at work who is dating a 23 year old young man, she got engaged to him on Christmas. She keeps herself tight and I would probably marry her also. She is a fine woman. She came into work telling her story this morning and everyone was listening. I wonder how Sheila feels with her four kidz not being married at age 32. I tell you black people are so backwards. I bet she feels like shit because I think she is with the guy who she just had her last baby by and he probably ain’t thinking about marrying her, ain’t even mentioned it. He’s just enjoying that tube tyed ass for the moment. And maybe he will marry her I don’t know. See Sheila is like Sausha. But she has four kidz. She looks beautiful on occasions. She is a very beautiful woman: natural long pretty black hair, nice big ass with a gut to go with it compliments of her kidz. She comes to work with her hair done about once a month. Her gear for the most part is cheesy and cheap because she can’t afford anything better with four kidz.

Now Caroline who has no kidz, she is like sexy everyday like I like it. I just look at Sheila sometimes and say to myself, “look at this stupid bitch with all these kidz.” I don’t feel sorry for her at all. She made the decision to be a humanitarian and have all them damn kidz, so that is her problem. If she didn’t have so many kidz or just one, maybe she’d be married by now or close to it. I don’t know what women be thinkin’ when they have kidz without a ring on there hand. It baffles me every time I think about it.

Now take Caroline for example. She is fine, and I know someone probably busted some nuts in that ass and got it pregnant, or maybe, just maybe she has been good with her birth control method or methods all these years. Whatever the case, she has kept herself beautiful and kidless, and now she will get married have kidz and probably live happily ever after. And in the end, if she gets a divorce and is left with a kid, I don’t think her husband will abandon his kidz and even if he does at least she can say she tried to make it work the right way in a union with someone.

What can a single bitch say when she has two or three kidz; nothing but “I was stupid.” And single mothers hurt themselves as well as the man who tries to stick around and at least be involved in his childs life. They hurt themselves because they are less mobile now with a child to think about, and probably less attractive to some men. They hurt the father of the child by taking a good portion of his money that he could be buying a home with or saving for retirement, or just enjoying life with. So single parenting hurts everyone involved in some way, even the child. But humanitarians will be what they are, willing to sacrifice a good portion of their life for a life that they are not well prepared to take care of. STUPID!

And speaking on this marriage subject, let us talk about Darry. Now I met Darry here at work. He was cool. He has a girlfriend he had been with for three years. She was pregnant when I met him. He had mentioned that he was going to marry her. But then all of sudden he comes to work talking about he was getting married next month. Now something don’t sound right to me. He’s acting like it was a union that was bound to happen someday anyway. But I think that nigga was forced to marry her a little early by her parents and/or his. He don’t even have a place for them to stay. Now if I’m gonna get married, I damn sure am going to have a place for me and my wife and kid to be born to stay. This nigga was giving me a speech on not talking to anyone I won’t consider marrying. This nigga trys to talk all mature like he had all the answers. His girl mentioned that to me one day how he talks like a father figure. I see what she meant the minute he started talking that shit to me and I am older than he is. I guess it’s a Aries thing to try and be more mature than you really are, and look and talk to everyone else like they are a kid. Lauren used to try that “you ain’t ready for me” shit and Victoria used to always talk and laugh about shit I like to do like it was immature. I had to tell her “yeah, I’m so immature but you trying to get your college degree, a job, an apartment or house and car. I got all this, but I’m immature.”

Yeah, I think that nigga Darry just trying not to have his child be born out of wed-lock. Maybe he did it on his own or was forced. Whatever the case, I don’t think he is really ready to be married. He is convincing himself that he is.

I made a bangin’ track on Christmas night. I have made three songs in the last three weeks. There is something about my production that I don’t like, and then there is something bout it that I do like. I seen RED ALERT last night. I was going to talk to him but he had an entourage of niggaz standing around him. I had made a new tape to hand out last night. I was talking to this white girl named Olga. She was telling me her boyfriend was an engineer in Hip Hop. I ended up giving her my tape. She said her boyfriend doesn’t even listen to tapes. I told her to listen to it and if she likes it to give it to him. It probably won’t result in anything. I was thinking that I shouldn’t have given her my tape in the first place, but oh well.

I’m here at work and no bosses will be here until like Thursday. I have a little work to do but I’ll probably write my thoughts like these all week. Sausha sent me a letter talking about how I didn’t really love her. I am searching for perfection and nothing is perfect. She says that she can’t be as beautiful as I would like her to be right now but one day she will be. And that is exactly my point. I don’t have time to wait on you because your life is fucked up compliments of your three kidz by the same daddy who is in jail. By the time you get your life together, I hope to be completely happy, not just starting to be happy with you after some years of suffering and sacrificing for your kidz. I love her but I can’t do it. I’m broke, she broke, and we can’t help each other. I need to be in unison with someone who can bring more than just sex and a companionship to the table. I’m realizing that now, and that is what I’m going for.