Jrnl Entry No. 12.8.1999

Well I got fired / quit my job at The Gap. “I used to work at Foot Locker but they fronted / Got fired or I quit it / However do you want it.” (Lauren Hill “Everything is Everything) I got written up on my second incident and they were giving me a final written warning before firing me on my next warning. The first warning was do to some tight, no pussy getting manager of loss prevention. I was sitting down on the escalator because I was tired from running up and down the stairs all day after getting home the previous night at 3 A.M. So he’s right down at the bottom of the escalator and I see him looking at me as I was riding down and knew he was going to say something to me. He comes up to me and says, “hey, don’t sit on the escalator.” I looks at him as says “O.K.” and then I continues to go and do my job. He wanted to lecture me though and asked me my name, and did I think it was professional to sit like that with customers looking right at me. I was tired and wasn’t hearing him. I told him that I understood what he said, and that he didn’t have to be so serious. So he tells me to come here again while I am walking away. I just kept on walking and he follows me. I don’t even know who this guy is all in my face like I’m his son. After he says a few more times for me to come with him, I goes. We meet up with my floor manager as we walking back to his office, and she comes with us. He explains to her that I sat down on the escalator and that he feels I should be sent home for the day. He said I totally blew him off when he told me not to sit on the escalator and that I was showing off in front of people when I told him not to be so serious. I explained to her that I heard what he said, I got the message, and that I would not sit on the escalator anymore. I mean what did he want me to do; start sucking his dick to show him I was paying him full attention. My manager agreed with him and sent me home, which I was quite thankful because I was operating on two and half hours of sleep. I went home and slept the whole day.

My next incident about a month later was on the same scale. It was 11 P.M. quitting time, my third day straight of working two jobs, and I was tired and ready to go home. There was 5/10 minutes of work left to do and I told her that I was going home. The work would get done by the morning crew. She said that walking away was not acceptable. As I was walking away, I said “write it down and I’ll sign the paper.” When I came to work my next scheduled day I went to her and said I was sorry about the other day, that I work every day from 8 AM to 5 PM and by time 11 o’clock comes I am irritable. She takes me down to her office and tells me that my behavior was not acceptable which I understood. I told her that my availability needed to be changed to 3 days during the week and one day during the weekend in order to prevent these type of incidents from happening again. She basically told me that she already adjusted my schedule for four days a week and no weekends and that she couldn’t adjust it again. We were going back and forth with me telling her that four days a week straight of working two jobs leaves me with no life, and she basically was telling me tough tidy, and if I had another incident I would be fired. After I saw that she was not going to compromise with me on my schedule, I just said “I’m going home. Do you need your shirt back?” I took the shirt off and handed her my discount card and left.

The problem on part time jobs is that they don’t seem to understand the concept of part-time. They want to work you as much as possible. Part-time means you work when you want to because you have another full life and responsibilities to attend to. They should try to accommodate you as much as possible, and if they can’t work you as little as you want, they should work you a little less. Part-time jobs are for extra money that you really could do without because nine times out of ten you are not paying any major bills with the money. But part-time companies want to treat you like you need their job and they are doing you such a big favor by letting you work; therefore, you should happily abide by all the rules and work whenever we want you to. If they want to do people a favor, hire them full time and give them benefits, or work around people’s schedule as much as they can.

So it feels good to go home after work again and chill. Yesterday I went searching for some boot leg CDs around 34^th St and Time Square but found none. I went back toward home and went to the grocery store and then home. I called my new shorty, but she wasn’t home. I was about to work on my new song and she called. It was about 10:45 PM and she called me. I didn’t get off the phone with her until 2 A.M. I think she likes me a lot from what she knows. I like her also. It may work out to be long term if she is as sexy as I think she is and as she tells me she likes to be. She has that bad word in her vocabulary though, “Ghetto.” She doesn’t seem to use it as much as Victoria did, but its in her vocabulary. If she thinks she likes me now, wait until I dick her down and get my mouth on that pussy, she going to go crazy. She often makes comments that we should go here or there one day, or that I should go shopping with her one day; hints that we are going to be together in the long-run. I don’t like that. I usually like to take it day by day.

I’m still nervous about this kid situation. I seen on the news where a man was paying $12,000 a month child support. His wife was married to him for 700 days; time enough to make him believe she loved him, to have a kid, and divorce his ass and get paid for 18 years. The news says that the law says that a child has the right to live the lifestyle of its father while it is with the mother. I have no problem with that. I will buy my child whatever it wants. But if we have to pay all that money mandatory, then we should have the right to choose to have custody or joint custody or something. A lot of women are abusing child support. The woman originally wanted $112,000 a month in child support. Melonie says she is not mother material right now, and that she wants to be married before she has a kid, but I bet if I start bustin nuts in her ass, she will come up pregnant and want to have the baby. I’m kind of used to bustin nuts out of the pussy since I have been doing that with Sausha for a year and a half, so I should be able to continue my pattern.

I think that Melonie will probably not work out because she lives in Jersey and I live N.Y. I am not moving over there and she probably has no plans of moving over here. If it wasn’t for those damn bridges that you must pay $4 to go through I would be happy to stay in Jersey. But you never know how shit will go, we probably will be together for a while. I want a bitch right here in N.Y. though. A bitch who has her own shit. When I run across one, I’ll definitely get on. I see mostly bitches with weave in their head, which I don’t like. I was telling Melonie last night that I do not step to a woman who is not wearing her real hair. I just don’t like it, I can’t compliment it, and it is like a turn off like cigarettes.

I’m gonna try and go over Melonie’s house tonight, well no I’m not. I know one thing though is that I will not be on the phone all night bullshittin’. I’m gon cook and hop on my ASR 10 Sampler. I have been thinking about CLUE the past couple of days and how I should have shouted at him. He probably would have been cool. I talked to him at the Jay Z concert in Pittsburgh but he wasn’t paying me any attention. Being in an area where everybody isn’t on his dick, he may just conversate with a brother.

The next mutha fucka I see though I’m hittin him with my speech that I prepared I don’t care who it is. Them mutha fuckas got to know that they need to put people on just like someone put them on. If I was a star, I would probably spend most of my time listening to demos, and if I heard something that impressed me like my frat brothers tape, I would do whatever I could to get him on. I mean CLUE wasn’t always CLUE and Jay Z wasn’t always Jay Z, and Nas damn sure wasn’t always The Rapper Nas. He was some quiet kid who never let anybody know he rapped.

I feel like I’m in prison not being able to do what I really want to do, which is make some money in Hip Hop. I feel trapped. I mean I want to sit at home all day and make songs and get paid for them. I want to be steppin up in the club at 12:30 A.M. on a Sunday night not worrying about getting up for work in the morning. I want it so bad, I can taste it. I’m gonna get it. In my heart, I got so much love for this, I got to get it.

I just completed a verse to my incomplete song about my love for Hip Hop but Hip Hop has no love for me or MCs who give their all on the mic. Hip Hop only shows love to simple gimmick cats like DMX. Even Jay Z is sounding a little repetitive. Like Jay Z says he don’t write rhymes down anymore, he makes them up as he goes along in the studio. your best shit doesn’t come out that way. Like his best shit was on his first two albums. His third one was cool, but far from the potency of his first album. He had clever lines back then, now all his lines are sounding the same and that is what happens when you stop thinking about what you want to say and analyzing it and rewriting it when it sounds corny.

I think writing is one of the reasons KRSONE has stayed fresh for 11 to 12 years. Writing keeps you on your toes with the skill. Biz Markie said he never wrote. He has a song with Will Smith and he is saying the same shit he was saying ten years ago not writing, and that is why he feel off. And niggas like Pharoe Monch who has one of the dopest albums with some of the dopest lyrics, he get no love from Hip Hop, no record sales, no cash, just mad respect from niggaz like me for his true skill and art of spittin rhymes. It never pays to be an abstract artist with real shit and talent until you die, and with Hip Hop, even dieing won’t bring true MCs like Pharoe Monch much recognition.

Jrnl Entry No. 11.5.1999

So I work at The Gap on 34^th St. Harold Square right. NYC. Started on Sat Oct 30, 1999. I’m telling you seriously there are mad bitches there. My first day I was dizzy at the end of the day from trying to get a view of every ass that passed me by. And not only are there mad bitches who work there, but there are mad bitches who come through to shop. And there are a variety of bitches: Latino, Rican, West Indian, Jamaican, European, British, Londonish, Bronxish, Queenish, Harlemish, Spanish. They are in all different shapes, shades and sizes, speaking different languages. I tell you, it was crazy.

I said to myself that I wish I knew every language that the people spoke who came through that store. I seen so much ass on the one day switching by me that I had to go home and jack off that night. But after working there for a week, I’ve calmed down now and am back to normal. There are about four bitches there that I would just love to be fucking. Lets see, there is Massiel: she is like Latino or something to that effect with very light skin. She is nice and thick with hips, thighs, and a nice spread out ass in the back, and a nice amount of thick tidys in the front to go with everything else. She is 18 years old, a sweet little thing.

Most of the bitches who work there are like 18, 19, 20. No one knows me and I look young as hell anyway so everyone says, so I tell all the girls that I am 21. I’ve pretty muc h gotten all of the names from the bitches that I would love to fuck the shit out of with my long dick. There is this one Rican chick. She is lovely and so cute, short, with a nice big little ass. When I first saw her I was like “she is beautiful.” I asked her name one day when she and a couple of her friends were going on lunch break the same time I was and we were all headed to the mall across the street. She told me her name, gave me a little fake smile and kept walking not paying me any attention. I went about my way. I look at her every time I pass her and she gives me no eye contact. I haven’t spoken to her again since that day going to the mall and she hasn’t spoken to me, so I’m like fuck the little bitch. I forgot her name anyway, some weird shit that started with a “U”. While I’m like fuck her, she probably wants to suck all the blood out of my dick. That is the way these bitches work around here. They want you to beg them for attention, but I ain’t witt all that bullshit. If you like me you better give me some eye contact and let me know.

There is this other bitch also. Now I haven’t gotten around to asking her name yet, but I started just speaking to her once a day on the walk by, and she speaks back so that is a start. She is tall and slim but her ass is in proportion with her body and it looks nice. She is fly to me. On the first day I saw her she was wearing this Gap Blue-Jean- skirt knee length, with some black boots knee length, and a nice top. When you look at her, you may be tempted to say that she is ugly, I may even be tempted to say right now that she is ugly, but there is just something that I like about her. For one, when she walks, she always keeps her head up and she has this little bounce like she is walking on a runway for models. She doesn’t wear make-up or maybe just not to work. I am a sucker for a natural face and natural hair, which she also has. Her face is skinny, which is probably the reason to say that she is ugly. She dresses kind of simple in jeans and boots and tops, which, I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but “that is all you need to wear.” So her sexy walk combined with the simple fly way that she dresses has got me looking at her every time I pass her. The other day, just as I reached down stairs on the escalator, she put her hand on her ass and like rubbed down the crack, and I was like woah, it was just some sexy shit that bitches do but don’t even know that they are doing it.

Lets see, who else is there. Oh, this white, or I guess she is white, she look white. I got her name two days ago, and I just forgot as I wrote those works there before the comma. But anyway, this short bitch has a nice big ole ass and no stomach to go with it like most who have an ass like hers. We were in the lunch-room together and I sat at her table and she was talking to some other people and I jumped into the conversation. I noticed her ass the first day I started working there. She seemed pretty cool and I had thoughts that maybe there was a chance to get on, and then it came out through a conversation she was having with this guy at the table about cooking . He was telling another girl what he had cooked the night before, and the girl with the big ass was like “you didn’t cook that.” So he says “I can cook, invite me over to your house and I’ll cook you dinner.” She says “yeah, I’ll invite you over, but you’ll have to cook for five.” I’m thinking like “what, she lives with her mom and dad and brother or sister, and he would have to cook for all of them.” So I says “why would he have to cook for five?” She says, “for me, my three kidz and for himself.” So goes my thoughts of fucking all that ass from the back doggie style.

I’m not fucking with another bitch who has three kidz. I told myself this when I Stopped messing with Lauren. Sausha ass came along and fooled my ass. I thought she had two, but then she springs on me that she was pregnant when we met, and she had another little boy. I probably would have still talked to her at the time because I was pussyless when she came along. I have a thing about kidz. If a woman has more than one kid and she is single, she doesn’t need to be bullshitted, fucked and just left alone. I don’t like to do that type of shit to no one, but especially to a woman with kidz. The woman probably just wants a piece of dick anyway too, but some reason, I just don’t believe in casual relationships. Kidz are a big responsibility that I can handle and will handle in the case of Sausha. But on second thought, I’d rather not do it because it’s going to get expensive in the future. But my reasoning is that someone got to take of them in the future or they will be fucked up kidz makin’ the world more fucked up than it already is. We got to take care of our own, even if they are not our own. With Sausha, it was a horny thing, but also, she is the type of girl that I want in my life: natural, fine little body, well-manored, soft spoken, wants to do better, and willing to please, and doesn’t ask for much. I mean she wasn’t just an easy piece of pussy that had no other qualities I liked. But if there is a next time around, no kidz, or one kid no matter how horny I am, and how much they are giving me clues that the pussy is mine.

And I just didn’t expect that white bitch to have any kidz. Our minds are programmed to think that white bitches don’t have all them babies without a ring on their finger. Maybe she was married, I don’t know. I think all bitches are stupid for that shit. Like Chris Rock said “yeah, you can raise a child on your own, it can be done, but its not a good fuckin idea. I mean you can jump out of a moving car going 50 miles and hour, it can be done, but its not a good fuckin’ idea.” Rather its one kid or three, it shouldn’t be without marriage. If the marriage breaks up cool, at least you can say you tried to do the right thing and it just didn’t work out. And if you were married, it’s all legal. After the divorce, you got child support and alimony coming. And most likely, if a man had a child with you in a loving marriage he is going to want to be bothered with his children; therefore, the child still has its father in its life.

And bitches try to justify it when they have a couple of kidz saying “they all have the same father.” That is a plus in its own right, but if the mutha fucka ain’t there and he ain’t takin care of his kidz neither, you look stupid. And the bitches with one kid think they are just so much better than the ones with two or three or four, like Rhonda for example. This bitch thinks that she has only one kid who is like seven or eight so HORRAY! HORRAY! She keeps herself fly and drives a dependable car, nothing worth mentioning though. She doesn’t have a college degree but works at one place makin’ nine dollars an hour, and works at Marshalls as a second job. And plus she still lives at home with her mom because she can’t afford her own apartment. She thinks she better than Sausha because she doesn’t live in the projects, she has her own car, only one kid and she dresses and looks better. I say no! She is on the same level with Sausha because like Sausha, she doesn’t have a career job; like Sausha, the father of her child doesn’t take care of it because he is not with her. Sausha lives on her own in the projects, but it ain’t no easy task. Rhonda lives with her mom, which allows her the luxury to buy a car and nice clothes to look nice. Move out of your momma’s house and lets see what car you drive and what clothes you wear.

I’m out on my own now, and can’t afford to buy nothing. So in my eyes, they both just as stupid for having a kid by a mutha fucka not knowing if he was going to be there to take care of the child. If you ain’t locked in by legal marriage, you are stupid for having a child plain and simple. You look dumb to me. Its just an opinion of mine though. Like my man Donald said one day, “that’s just your opinion, what about the other thousands.”

And there are a couple other bitches that I would like to fuck but I’ll skip the details. I like having this second job because it’s fun. I get to talk to people and fuck with customers and shit. Its all good and that money comes in hand.