Tag: The Year 2000

Jrnl Entry No. 1.12.2001

I’m comin’ back on this subject after seeing the movie “Save The Last Dance”. In the movie this smart high school black kid, very conscious of his blackness, even street smart; he had a ghetto friend who was in and out of juvenile homes, and was a drug dealer tuff kid. But he on the other had had aspirations of being a doctor and had applied to Georgetown University for pre-med. He falls in love with a white girl who comes to the school by way of her mom dying and having to stay with her dad. He and the white girl had a battle of witts in class and it started from there.

The white girl becomes friends with his sister unknowingly, and tells her that he is an asshole, etc. because of their class argument. She’s embarrassed when told that he was her brother. So in a friendly argument upon being formally introduced by the sister, the white girl tells him that she could dance circles around him at a club that they would both attend the following weekend.

So they get to the club scene and the sister gets there with the white girl and a few of her other friends and her brother’s old girlfriend is there and they get into an argument. The sister notes that she doesn’t like the girl because of the way she played her brother, but they never went into detail about how she played him. The brother gets there and his old girlfriend comes and tries to be friendly with him and he disses her because obviously he didn’t like the way she played him neither. He finds the white girl and they get into general conversation and he brings up the dance challenge, and she tries to get out of it because she can dance ballet, but not Hip Hop. She gets on the floor and looks stupid. When they leave in a hurry as a result of his thug friend getting into a fight and he helped him out, he, his sister and the white girl are all going in the same direction. He walks the white girl home and they make a pact that he would teach her some dance moves since she was gonna be hangin out with his sister and going to that club.  During the course of these dance lessons, they talk and fall in love.

Now if this isn’t the story of my senior year in high school when I fell in love with a white girl, I don’t know what is. The girl I was with at the movies said he had Jungle Fever, etc. I said it was just a case of two open minded, intelligent kids coming together through social settings and started loving each other. The same situation happened to me. I met my girlfriend in the bad, now granted, I was a victim of wanting to be with a white girl because that was all the media pushed on me and they just looked so cute and lovable when at school. Every since eighth grade, I wanted one. In 12th grade I found one and fell in love and she loved me back.

Now, why this white girl in my senior year in high school? Before 12th grade, I wanted a relationship with Bethlehem Strong, Marilyn Singleton, Alta Berret, Cinclaire Thomas. These were all beautiful black intelligent young females in my age group but none of the relationships ever happened except for Marilyn. She wasn’t trying to have sex with me and she broke up with me for no reason at all really. See, what most people don’t understand is that a black man want a lady, one that is often seen, but seldom heard and one that is smart. Bethelehem fit this bill perfectly. She was a straight “A” student, very beautiful and I never heard her voice unless she was talking to me or someone else near me. I never seen her in a fight or argument. This is the kind of girl a man wants to love. In fact, I hold a friendly love for Bethelehem in my heart to this day for the lady I know her to be, even though we never were in a relationship together, and even though she may not ever think of me in any kind of way.

When I was in 12th grade, all I knew were loud mouth and rowdy girls with kids who were either with the fathers of the children or were not. And the key words in that sentence are LOUD MOUTH AND ROWDY! Not kids; for after I graduated from high school I was with a girl who had three kids while I was in college, and then another one after I graduated college. I can’t think of one black girl in the whole high school who I wanted to be in love with my senior year except for maybe Calesha Breakley. But she was too skinny, and plus she thought of me like a distant cousin because my first cousin Jerome’s dad was her uncle. I originally had planned on asking her to prom, but I got beat to the punch. There were the twins Sally and Salena but they had boyfriends, and they seemed just a little too damn quiet for me anyway. There was still Bethlehem, but she was in love with Fletcher Hightower and she stopped coming to school looking cute altogether. She was busy loving him while he was away at college and when he was at home. But while he was at home, he was loving Lillian Buckhead and got her pregnant. There was Anazette Thatcher, also one whom I love and respect to this day for the lady she is and was, but she wasn’t interested in me. She was in love with my friend Aderale or Gold.

If I had been in a relationship with Bethlehem or Anazette, a white girl couldn’t have entered my world, at least not then. I was in involved with Sarena Salinger when I got involved with the white girl, but I was under the brain washed mentality that she was dark-skinned and ugly. She wasn’t that cute, but she could dress well and she had a sexy walk and nice body. When I seen her in later years I regretted that I didn’t really get with her in high school. She never gave me another chance even though I tried a couple of times. With Serena, my good friend Rally introduced us. He told me that he had hit it and was passing her on to me because he didn’t like her, so that blinded me to the real beauty of her, which I discovered later on in college at YSU. And plus, I was brain washed thinking that I wanted me a white girl.

Now in the movie these two kids just innocently feel in love. I innocently feel in love with a white girl in high school too, but still I had that “I want a white girl” in the back of my mind. In the movie, he simply wasn’t seeing anyone at the time and neither was she, being that she just transferred to a brand new school. He was a gentleman, and she was a lady and they fell in love. Gentleman and lady, but most importantly, LADY! Even a thug wants a lady, but a gentleman whose set for college and has goals set, he definitely wants a lady to stand by his side. In some cases it doesn’t matter if she is black or white. Most white women present themselves as ladies, so in many cases, they get the gentleman, whether black or white.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.11.2001

My cousin Sloane always asks me when I’m making reference to a woman that I am involved with, she asks, “is she white?” I guess since I was in love with a white girl in 12th grade and messed with a few after that, she assumes that I’m white girl crazy “Jungle Fever.” I had to write her an e-mail telling her to stop that. My white girl days are behind me, (well not really), but she don’t need to know that because I’m not in a relationship with one, it’s just an affair. I had to tell her that I am not searching for a white woman. I am not in the social environment to be socializing with white women for them to get to know me, for us to get into a relationship. And even if I was in a social environment with them, white women don’t make themselves available or let it be known that they will date a black guy and I ain’t necessarily going around asking. I did tell her that if the right white woman comes along and we happen to hook up, so it will be. Fucking around here in New York City, I haven’t had any relations with a woman at all, so if whoever comes along with the right credentials, is white, I‘m taking her.

She responded with this:

As far as the white girl issue. I feel just like if you (I mean in general) can find a white woman to share your hopes and dreams with, you can find a black woman. There are good black women: independent, childless, AND educated out here. After being in D.C. and attending a lot of Howard University events, I realized how many educated black women there are w/o children…just looking for a strong black man. I think too many black men settle, especially military men. They use that excuse overseas of there not being a lot of sistas around. I don’t care how near or far I travel…I will always have a black man. Mind you, not just any black man but one suited for me. I don’t condemn anyone’s love I just know the love that I want. I know, we all must do whatever makes us happy.

I responded back with this:

Well, like I said, I’m not searching for a white woman. If I bring one home, best believe she’ll be thorough. I’ve been traveling all over the U.S. since my freshman year in college and have seen many beautiful black women, but with no access the them, a brother had to do what he had to do which was be with a white girl providing me with porno sex, money, shoes, clothes, and whatever else I wanted. You women don’t understand that men and women are different: one, y’all can go months to years without sex and be happy with y’all vibrator until you come across the right man or until you get over whatever problem you have. Two, to black women, there aren’t that many white, Korean, Chinese or any other race for that matter, that is sexier than a black man. Now for men, there are sexy women of all races, shades, shapes and colors so it’s easier for us to go astray. All we need is a nice smile, nice cute booty, two breast, maybe some thighs and hips, and we are good to fall in love.

Like here in New York for example, I see all types of beautiful women: French, Austrailian, Italian, Trinidadian, Black, Jamaican, Hispanic, Dominican, etc. Now when I first got here, I only tried to talk to black women. What I’ve found out about the whole city is that you don’t meet people here by just talking to them in a friendly way on sight at a bar or where ever you may be. You have to get hooked up through a friend or through work. I don’t have that many friends at work or otherwise. My one friend hooked me up with this Dominican chick who normally, on a sunny day, I wouldn’t try and talk to her as beautiful as she is. Now if she is down witt me, I’m gonna pursue it and whatever happens, happens. I’ve talked to hundreds of black women here, but received nothing but a cold shoulder. I still love em, but I’m at a point where I’m gonna take whatever looks good that is available. I’m on the look-out for a black woman but every beautiful one that I tap on the shoulder and smile at looks at me like I’m stupid.

She in return responded with this:

I hope and pray you find a nice sista and if you happen to get a white girl I hope she keeps you happy. As far as other men besides black men…I’ve traveled a little and I’ve seen some fine men, there are some find Puerto Ricans, even some fine white men and any other race…maybe not as many men as there are women but a brotha doesn’t get with a white girl cause she is fine and we both know that. I really don’t understand why yall do. Me personally, there is nothing and I mean nothing like a brotha especially a chocolate one. Like they say, to each his own.

I understand men have needs…yes, I do; what I don’t understand is how y’all get with a white girl and take her all around like you have some prize or something…half the shit a white girl does to a brotha he’d kill a sista for tryin. Just like men who get babies with one chick and won’t take care of them but you get with someone who has kids that aren’t yours and you taking care of her and them. Charity starts in your house. Not directed at you, but a lot of brothas; how can you have a child and not want to see them? Charity (my daughter) her father would kill me if I ever tried to keep her from him and look at Arkay, you couldn’t pay him to be the father he needs to be to Yarkell. Yarkell is very loving and smart, didn’t ask to be here. He started playing b-ball this year and he’s pretty decent. I wish Arkay would try to come into his life after he becomes someone…be it b-ball or not. I don’t wanna hear that baby’s mama shit either. Yarkell has lived with me and in Ohio and do you know I haven’t seen Arkay in 5+ years and talked to him in 3+, so I know it ain’t me. I don’t bother him at all.

You know after being around a lot of college females they come off like a brotha has to prove himself to them. It’s almost like prove to me how bad you want me. Some sistas are the reason brothas are with white girls. I think I have a problem with me being too independent. I don’t ever wanna hear a guy say…I did this, I did that blahzay blahzay. I can’t see how a woman is a house wife. I don’t care how much the man makes I need my own income for myself. As long as I work a man will never tell me what I can’t spend. He might say baby put it on lay-a-way, or ask me to wait a minute but never ever tell me no I can’t do that.

If you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you stay with your daughter’s mother? I wish I could’ve stayed with Charity’s dad. The only person I’ve ever loved like that is Pulplin Waterford and I wonder if I’ll ever love like that again. How do you know when you’re in love? I know when I get this feeling I can’t explain it but I know when It’s there, like with Pulplin Waterford. Well, have a nice day.

I came back and broke it down like this:

You black women always say “why do they parade around with a white woman like she is a queen, like you don’t see brothas everyday with black women on their arm too. And white women have a different persona about them. Well the ones I’ve known do, and it makes them easier to get along with. When you get along with your mate, you have a good time with your mate; therefore you go out with your mate, black or white. And they are not push overs like most people believe. You see Montell Williams got a divorce, and Patrick Ewing’s wife divorced him after he got caught fuckin’ around with one of the cheerleaders for the team.

And, I can’t speak for most brothers, but I know right now, if something comes along that’s decent lookin’, intelligent, black or white, I’m takin it if I’m feelin’ it like that. And I don’t care who someone gets with. Sistas can get them a white man. My view is that he got a dick just like I do and a heart with feelings. Whatever the person chooses because I’m gonna get what I want regardless. If a good lookin’ sista is witt a white man or any man for that matter, it ultimately means that I can’t have her so I best get to steppin on and find what I want to be in my life.

The question of how do you know you’re in love. You have the only answer. You just know. You care about that person. You would do anything for that person. You feel your best when you are with that person, at home, in public, in bed, etc. That is your love and nothing except for walking in and catching them in a sexual act with someone else would make you want to leave that person; and even that sometimes won’t stop the love. I haven’t felt a love like that I had for Samantha. We were down for each other in whatever way we could be in high school. Sorry she was and is a white girl. The feelings are all gone for her, but it was a great feelin I had with her. I guess life is too complicated as an adult to have love like that because I don’t ever think I’ll feel it like that again. And no, I’m not searching for a white woman to give me that feeling again. And if you say that was just puppy love, then I guess I’ve never really been in love with anyone.

Janelle’s mother got pregnant in three months of me being with her. As time when on, I noticed differences in attitude and personality; one major thing was that she wasn’t really down with me. I told her I wanted to live in New York. She said she wouldn’t live in New York with ONE kid and no family; basically saying to me that she wasn’t woman enough, and she didn’t think that I was man enough to handle ourselves and raise our one child by ourselves. She said she wouldn’t drive in New York because of traffic jams, and she wouldn’t ride the subway. She always talked about how she wanted a fat house and fat car, and complained that she was broke, but wouldn’t go and get a little part-time job to alleviate her little money problems because she wanted to work in an office . She wasn’t qualified to work nowhere because she didn’t finish school. The one office job she held down for a year or two she quit because she wasn’t qualified to receive a big raise like she thought. She used to live in Columbus in a nice apartment above her means with her dad paying the rent. She wanted to be high class, but I didn’t see her trying to start from the bottom where she was to make it to the top where she wanted to get. I guess she thought she was gonna get there on my back. To this day, at age 29 she is still livin’ with her parents talkin’ about what she gonna do when.

I am fun and out-going, and she has social anxiety if you ask me; don’t want to be seen or heard in the public. And when the baby was born, I tried to make everything work with her, but she wouldn’t have sex with me. I got an attitude because she didn’t explain to me with good enough reason why she would do that when I’m tryin to be her man and stand beside her until she can get on her feet so that we could stand by each other side by side and support each other as mother father and child.

It’s like that attitude you have of if “I ain’t got my own, I can’t trust no BLACK MAN to help me get it because he may try and tell me what to do with it.” And every since the baby was born she has been tryin to treat me like an ass-hole who is not responsible enough to care for my child when it’s in my possession. I had to tell her that I had everything in life as far as being an adult that she wanted and didn’t have, so how she gonna treat me like an irresponsible dick head when it comes to being with my daughter. She’s still giving me visitation problems to this day. What I say, she says the opposite when it comes to seeing my daughter; therefore, we will never be friends because there shouldn’t be any argument for a man tryin’ to be a father to his child and spend time with it .I’ve been to court two times: once for overnight visits, and another for out of state visits. Janelle is supposed to come and stay with me for two weeks every three months starting right now, but her mother is trying to give me problems with that. If she loved me, she never showed it. When I stepped out, she never asked me back and I never went back because I felt that she didn’t trust in me and what I wanted to do in life as far as we were concerned. She had her own agenda, which she couldn’t see fusing together with mine so here we have it. She’s still in Warren tryin to get off the ground by herself, and I’m off the ground trying to flap my wings to fly sky high

She never came back after that, but my point is that to men, women are a beautiful thing. A woman’s body is one of the most beatifullest thing in the world (Keith Murry) and sights to see. It don’t matter what race of woman, most have beautiful bodies in clothing, and more so, in the nude. Now many people stick to their race for various reasons: fear of what others will think, or just plain loyalty to the race. But when the option presents itself, I’m sure almost 95% of men will at least have sex with a woman of a different racial background than themselves.

For black men, I think #1 why they go astray is the advertisement of women of other races especially white women in movies, commercials, magazines, porno movies, etc. For #2, it’s to see what it is about the taste of the forbidden fruit. For #3, we as black people feel like the world shuns us. When we are accepted by other people different than us, who normally would shun us; some of us take that acceptance and run with it. We run so far as to try and be like those that accept us, losing, in some cases all traces of ourselves: our language and way of speaking, our traditional foods we eat, and our general way of behavior when just plain chilling, having a brew and hangin’ out.  Now to a black man who feels this way and is bothered by the issue, the greatest acceptance he can receive is to be accepted into a woman’s body, her temple of affection. This acceptance in most cases causes that particular black man to run and never return to his home from which he was born: The Black Woman. For #4, in most cases what you see being advertised in movies, magazines, etc. is what you get in a white woman. They are advertised as the most beautiful, as being easy to get along with, and freaky in the form of sex and porn.

My personal experiences with white women have been just that: ease of attitude, and great sexual experiences. The beauty part, well many brothers may not have the finest or the beautifullest white woman, but there is an illusion that she is or could be. This illusion comes from seeing white women, regular white women, carrying themselves as queens, looking as if they just stepped off the cover of a magazine. My friends and I have often noticed and mentioned to ourselves that on a regular summer day in the mall, you are guaranteed to see 3 to 5 beautiful white women in your view. If you are lucky, you might see one beautiful black woman dressed sexy, hair done, glowing, etc. And this is a small town experience that I’m referring to. It applies in bigger cities, but the ratio of beautiful white women you see to beautiful black women you see is smaller, depending on where you hang out. In New York, Philly, Atlanta, I’ve seen more beautiful black women in the malls on regular days looking like my wife to be. But in a city such as New York where I currently live, the black women are cold to the sound of a young black man’s voice. This coldness could weaken a brother to go astray and stay astray. I ain’t there yet, but I’m broke down with the attitude I receive from black women at a lounge spot like Justin’s on a Tuesday night or out shopping, etc. Very, very slowly, I’m feeling like I want to get me a nice little white woman, move to Indiana, marry, have kids and live happily ever after.

In the past five years, the images of black women, just black people period have been more positive and beautiful in commercials, movies and magazines. It’s no longer the case, where at 9 P.M. on a Monday night you won’t see any blacks advertised in commercials, or on T.V. in our own sitcoms that portray some aspect of our life. This, while great, still is a short lived experience compared to the actual reality of how, I feel, the majority of us carry ourselves in everyday life, in relationships, in our home life and out in public.

This is my educational view as to why I think black men date out of their race and seem just so in love when with a white woman and treat her life a queen. And the best thing I can say for black women who can’t stand seeing black men with white women is to carry yourself every day or when out in public like you are walking up on a pedestal. Start treatin’ your black brothers with simple jobs making average incomes who can’t afford a Range Rover or BMW with a little more respect. Start being a little more freaky behind closed doors because we are all adults and if you won’t tell, I won’t tell. But what you won’t do, maybe a white woman will. Give a brother a few reasons to treat you like a queen and he will do so if you treat him like a king.

Jrnl Entry No. 10.20.2000

The year 2000 has come and is just about gone. I have sat and looked at everyone living their dreams and accomplishing their goal. Suga Shane Moseley, Marion Jones, Maurice Green, David Justice, Lenny Krazleburg, DMX, Rock Wilder, etc. I look at these people, happy for them that they have achieved what they wanted to achieve. I wonder as I look at them, how did they achieve it? Well, there seemed to be some type of forum for most of these people. Take Marion Jones for example. She decided she was going to run track instead of play basketball. She trained hard every day in practice. When national championship or Olympic trials came around, due to her training, she won the necessary races, and boom, she’s a star. In the Olympics, she won gold in the 100 meter sprint. Now endorsements will come her way offering her millions to advertise a product. She’s set for life. David Justice, who knows when he decided to start playing baseball, but he decided some time in his life. He eventually probably played for a minor league team, and then got picked up to the majors. Now he is going to the World Series for like the third or fourth time in his career. He has hit two major home runs in his career to either win his team the World Series or get them into the World Series.

The point I’m trying to make is that for people like Marion Jones and Suga Shane Moseley, there is or was a forum for them to contend in. After so many contentions, if you win most of them, you will be the star. For me, there is really no forum that I can hop into. I want to be a Hip Hop producer. There are many Hip Hop producers out there now like DJ Premier and Pete Rock and Rock Wilder who are stars in the game. As I look at them, I wonder to myself, how did they get there? There is not a place where producer can go and play their beats against other producer’s beats, and whoever is judged to be the best gets to produce a song on an album that is sure to go platinum, and net you, at the least, depending on your deal, $80,000.

I’ve heard that in this forum of Hip Hop artist and producers that you have to know somebody in order to get in. If you know nobody, how do you get to know somebody? Everybody you meet, like I met Dazon of Murder Inc. one night at Club Cheetah; if I’d told him I was a producer, he would have paid no attention to that. How, how, how is my question. I can make the hottest song of this century, but if I know no one to get it into the ears of someone connected in the music industry, my song is useless. It’s not the same as for a basketball player who starts in Jr. High School, then plays in High School, then to college. If he has built his skills to perfection, he has a chance at getting picked to play in the NBA. All while he is in college he is watched by NBA scouts who will either get him picked in the NBA, or if he is no good, he won’t be picked.

Some may think I want this Hip Hop thing to happen overnight for me. I’ve told the story of my Hip Hop yearning which started 13 years ago. I’ve got Demo tapes. I’ve been producing beats in my head for years with no outlet to get them into real sound form. Now I have equipment to make the beats in my head real. Now I’m in New York where everything happens, but where do I go from here? There used to be a lyricist lounge spot in the early 90s where MCs could showcase their talent. A few MCs like Mos Def, Rah Digga, Talib Kweli have come to be where they are today because of this forum. Now there seems to be no forum especially for underground Hip Hop. The industry is killing underground Hip Hop, which is what I have loved from the beginning of my interest in this shit. Now, if you don’t sell a million or 500,000 with your first album, the label drops you. Back in the 80s, MCs like Kool G Rap and the Gangstarr group had 3 albums, none of which sold gold, but they were still in the game with a recording contract.

So the market for my production is getting slimmer and slimmer by the day and year. No one wants to give a new comer a chance. That seems to be the way it is but yet in still, it is not that way. How did MCs like Roc Marciano get into the Flipmode Squad? How did the producer Jay Dee get to be doing songs for and a part of a production team with A Tribe Called Quest? How did the MC Consequence get to be featured on A Tribe Called Quest Beats Rhymes and Life album? That was also the album that featured Jay Dee as a producer, so maybe Tribe just said “we are gonna let others shine on this album.”

To me it seems to be luck of the draw. I don’t know where to go to meet MCs or producers or artist for that matter to showcase my skills. Everybody says go to the Fat Beats store in the village. This place is a record store, not a lounge or a club. I went there one Saturday and I met two producers. I got their numbers and called one of them, but he never returned my call.

I’m thinking of starting a Bonny and Clyde group, or a group of girls because the industry has nothing like that. But even if I start this group, how will we get in with the industry or showcase our skills? How do I find a manager? I guess I could start asking people these questions. And maybe that is the key, a manager. Pay someone 20% of what I make because I know no one and they know everyone or someone who I’ll maybe never have a chance of knowing that could get one of my songs out to be heard by the people. There could be a chance that I could do it by myself, but I think that chance is very slim. You hand people a Demo tape of you, and they never listen to it, or they never get back to you.

Maybe my stuff is no good enough. I don’t know. All I do know is that this situation is depressing me. But I’m stuck because I believe in myself and I don’t want to go anywhere else. I believe it can happen because it has happened for so many people: Teddy Riley, Pete Rock, Premier, GURU, DJ Mark The 45 King, Marley Marl, DJ Clue. Wait a god damn minute; all the people accept for two are life-long New York residence. I’m from Ohio. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe there is no problem at all. I’m searchin’ for answers. I’m searching for direction in this journey; peace of mind with it.

Try god, is what you say huh? I tried him when I was younger. I prayed so long, I became an atheist. I prayed and prayed for a record contract, but still to this day, I have seen no record contract nowhere in sight. Jay Z confessed that he was a criminal before he became a star. But yet in still, he became a star. I’ve been a fairly good boy all my life, and I have not received one big dream. Well, maybe one, which was to get a Honda scooter when I was 13 years old. I got it and that was probably one of the happiest moments of my life before my daughter was born. Janelle being born was a happy moment which has turned grim because I have to go to court to see her like I want.

I guess I have been blessed as people say. I’ve been blessed with a college education, a job, a new car, my dream of living in New York. Well, let’s back up a moment. My dream was never really to live here, my dream was to be here to get into Hip Hop. Hip Hop is my dream, not New York. I wanted to come to New York but if there was no Hip Hop, I don’t think I’d be here, or would have wanted to come here. Hip Hop is what made me take my first trip here, not New York just in itself. I’m searching for Hip Hop but is seems hard to find. The Hip Hop I’m searching for seems to have died, and now a new species is being born, well, is born.

All I want is to have a song on an album and get paid a royalty for it. I don’t want to be the top hit maker, or the highest paid for that matter. I just want to be a part of albums coming out on labels, and get paid a fair amount in the form or a royalty check every quarter. That seems not too much to ask, or that it shouldn’t be that hard to accomplish. But this industry is selfish, and doesn’t seem to want to let anyone in unless it’s a crime partner or brother or close friend. I’ma make my mark somewhere in this shit. SOMEWHERE!

Jrnl Entry No. 9.8.2000

When Janelle was born it was “the most  beautifullest thing in this world” (Keith Murray). “I was there, cut the chord / seventeen hours never bored / cause I knew you was comin for sure.” That is a line to a verse I wrote after she was born. I was there for the whole nine, the progression of the labor pains to birth. Seeing all of that puts in you in a whole nutha state of mind. Like about two hours before she was born, I went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and started crying. I guess I was crying because I was about to be a father, and also because Victoria was going through so much pain. When it was all over, I was filled with love, especially for my baby girl. I had only a little for Victoria. I went and paid like $75 for a bear and some flowers and gave them to Victoria that night. I tried to spend the night at the hospital that night, but at 1 A.M. a nurse came in and told me I had to go.

I went to where I was the night before, over Lauren’s house. Lauren and I hadn’t talked for like a year at this time and like two or three weeks before, I went and knocked on her door, and as always she let me in. Lauren was still involved with Jamelle at the time too. I visited the hospital all three days that Victoria was in there. When she took the baby home, I was over there every day after work. I couldn’t wait to get there and hold my baby in my arms. Victoria told me that her dad didn’t want me coming over his house every day and that we’d have to limit my visits.

One night while over there, I asked her when could I take the baby to my house, and she looked at me like, “never”. I told her that I knew she was not going to have any couth; a word I had picked up from her when talking about everybody being ghetto, about the situation of me taking my daughter out to see my people once she was a couple of weeks old and had been to her first doctor’s visit. She asked me to step outside, and when we got out there I started telling her that she was not gonna be treating me like an irresponsible fuck when it came to our daughter, that I was a grown man taking care of his life responsibilities. I had everything that she one day hoped to have: a college degree, a job and a car of my own. I got in my car and left. She came over to my house and I screamed at her some more telling her the same thing. She left telling me that her father said for me not to come and see the baby anymore. I said fine and I didn’t see her.

I was going to get me a lawyer and get proper visitation. About a month later, Victoria’s friend and my friend’s sister, Analise called and told me to go see my daughter. Now that I think about it, Victoria probably told her to call me. I don’t think Victoria knows how to drop shit or say sorry and let things begin again to take their natural course. So I called Victoria and told her that I wanted to start seeing Janelle again. She said that she’d have to check with her father like it was his baby or something.

I went over there one night after work and seen Janelle. I can’t recall if I talked with Victoria or not. I do know that in my lifetime, I had planned on the mother of my child being my wife. Victoria fit the bill; she was not fat, she could be freaky when in the right place at the right time, and she wanted something out of life, still does. But she still hasn’t yet to this day accomplished anything visible to my eye. The next day that I went to see Janelle I proposed to Victoria that I wanted to be there for her and Janelle, and for us to not be apart. I had told myself that “yeah, Victoria and I have some differences, but they can be worked on or put aside for the moment.” I offered to take her shopping since all while she was pregnant she complained that she had no clothes to wear. She accepted us getting back together, but was skeptical of my reasons. She told me we weren’t gonna have sex. I told this store before, but to sum it up, I didn’t want sex at the time.

We got back together, she moved into her apartment in the Fairview Gardens. I would go over there every night after work and spend the night. I had plans on doing this for one year, and then proposing to marry Victoria. After a month and a half, probably about two or three weeks after her six week check-up, I started getting horny. She wasn’t hearing me, and never talked to me about the situation kind of like she tells me NO now when I want to spend some extra time with my daughter or take my daughter out of town. After about two weeks of no, I told her it was over. That on top of the other problems I had with her about calling everybody ghetto, she wasn’t gonna move to NY with me, and other personality and attitude differences led me to quit. Now that I think about it, she probably didn’t want to get pregnant again, but whatever the reason, she never gave me a reason, so that was that.

We set up a visitation schedule, and I continued to buy all pampers and formula, etc, whatever I thought the baby needed. She went in for child support, which I had no problem with; my mind was prepared for that while she was pregnant. At the little hearing, I opted for a blood test. In their language, they said “you can deny that this is your child and have a blood test done.” I said, “I am not denying that the child is mine, but I would like to have a blood test.” I told Victoria when she was three months pregnant that I was getting a blood test done one way of the other. Too many fathers found out they weren’t really fathers too late after the fact, and in some states you can’t even back out after you find out; you still have to take care of the child through child support.

I didn’t have any doubt that she was mine, but just in case Victoria was pulling the wool over my eyes; if I was to be paying $300 plus for the next 18 years, best believe I ain’t paying on faith and word of mouth alone, and neither should you. So when court was over she stormed out saying I denied the baby. I told her father that I would still like to see my child because we had a little meeting a couple nights before about visitation because Victoria was complaining that she didn’t want Janelle over my house because my mom smoked up the house pretty bad with cigarette smoke. I assured her that my mom would smoke in her room with the door closed, as opposed to previously when Victoria would visit, the door was cracked open and smoke would seep all through the house. And when I didn’t have company, my mom would smoke in the living room, and to walk through, you would smell like smoke; therefore, every time I visited Victoria, I would smell like smoke. Her father said, it was up to her, and she said, “you denied her, you don’t see her.”

Once we went back to court like three months later, she let me pick my daughter up and bring her to my house but she wouldn’t let her spend the night. After like nine month of that and her fucking me out of visits from time to time; like when they weren’t sending her the child support money, she said I couldn’t see her. When she found out I had a girlfriend who lived in a housing project; she said I couldn’t see her. I got me a lawyer, who fucked me also by not acknowledging that he had received my payment until three months after the fact and a grievance letter. After that he filed the case and I got overnight visitation every other weekend and four hours after work one day a week.

After one year of that and my daughter knowing me very well, I decided to move to New York. Victoria had told me on the phone the night before Janelle was born that she would not let me bring my daughter to stay with me for more than two weeks during the summer. I had other visitation in mind like two weeks every other month until Janelle went to elementary school.

When I moved I paid the same law office, different lawyer though, that fucked me before. I sent $500 to his office with a letter of instruction to file for out of state visitation. He never acknowledged getting the money. Me thinking I’m trying to be a good paying customer to this law office, and them taking my money and never filing my case. About nine months after no response from the law office, and repeated visits by my mom to the office, I was in town on a Friday and went to the office demanding my money back. They told me they had no receipt of it, and that if I would produce a copy of the money order, they would refund my money. They must thought a nigga was stupid and irresponsible to lose or throw away my receipt. But I had my receipt and got a copy, and about two weeks later my mom went down there and got my money. I had also tried to talk with Victoria that weekend about me bringing Janelle to New York with me for two weeks every other month. She said no, that I could continue driving there every other weekend, six hours to see her, or once a month to cut down on my driving. I said fuck it, I won’t see Janelle no more, won’t bring you any more money, and won’t bother you, and you don’t bother me. She said, “fine,” that her daddy will take care of Janelle. She even told her friend Analise that I was not going to be taking care of Janelle anymore.

After about two weeks, I found another lawyer to file the case for me. After five months, we were downtown in the little room again. She filed for back child support of $3,000. The Magistrate kept visitation the same, which means I have to drive there once or twice a month to see Janelle. He appointed a Guardian Ad Litem to investigate me to see if I was fit to have Janelle out of state with me, and that could take 3 to 6 months for him to complete his report or rather, get started. It doesn’t take six months to talk with me and make a determination if I’m fit to take care of my daughter for two weeks while she is with me.

Victoria says she doesn’t want my mother watching Janelle because “she couldn’t take care of her own, so what makes you think she can take care of mine.” When my little brother Peter was born, due to medication that my mom was taking while carrying him, he was born with no collar bone, a huge soft spot on his head, and heart and breathing problems. He was on a heart monitor that beeped often. She wasn’t able to handle him in his condition because she had a nervous condition, which I believe was mis-diagnosed, and she actually has Asperger’s Syndrome. She gave him up for adoption. We got back in contact with him through the will of god I guess, and we have seen him and been his second family all his life. Victoria passed judgement on my mother because she knew my brother was given up for adoption, but I don’t think she knows all the detail behind it. My brother came close to dying a couple of times because of his condition when he was little.

I don’t think Victoria could handle that situation herself. I heard she had a nervous breakdown when she lost a child that she was pregnant with and when wedding plans fell through the floor. Janelle would not have been given up for adoption because her sister and father and other family would have prevented that. My family, as I just found out; the reason for none of my mother’s five sister’s adopting my brother was because the whole family from my grandmother’s mother to my grandmother’s sister, to my aunts had a hand in raising me. They said they wouldn’t do it again. My mom had an accident that prevented her from taking care of me until I was five years old. Maybe that’s why I’m such a beautiful child and successful in most people’s eyes, especially my family’s eyes. They say the more love you get from family and others, the better your life and you as person will be. But in my eyes, I got a long way to go on the successful part. I’ve for some time now had confidence in my beauty.

I’d tell Victoria that sometimes. I kind of adopted the “I’m beautiful” attitude when girls started going crazy over Tupac, Mase and Puff Daddy. These successful rappers were average looking guys in my eyes, but yet women swore they were so cute and fine. So I said to myself, “if Puff Daddy is cute, fuck it, I’m cute too.” Now I can see why women just love some celebrities like Tyson Beckford. Now I’m completely in tune with my sexuality, so I’m not feeling funny or shame about saying this. Tyson is cool. Like Eddie Murphy said to Halle Berry in the movie Boomerang. He said, “Billy Dee Williams in Lady Sings The Blues, I thought he was cool, but I didn’t want to get witt him.” But women say some celebrities are fine when they look no better or worse than me; puts me in the frame of mind to think I must be the bomb and if I was a star they would be crazy over me too. Maybe one day.

I’ve had a few girls crazy for me in my lifetime; maybe Victoria was too, but never really showed it. Some say that is why she gives me all this shit about spending time with my daughter. Whatever the reason, I don’t care. I’ll have nice happy times with my daughter one day. If I never do, no one can say I never tried to spend good quality time with her. Maybe Victoria thinks I am arrogant because of my confidence in myself, and the statement I made to her about her wanting in life what I have now. It’s true, I feel good about myself, but do I think I am better than anybody else? NO! I am the most down to earth brother my friends and she will probably ever know. I don’t speak bad or shun others for not having what I have, or not accomplishing in life what I have so far.

I’ve heard Victoria speak bad about many people because they didn’t act the way she acted or lived and grew up in her nice little semi-mixed neighborhood. To this date, all the white people are moving off her street and the houses are being rented to blacks, but yet her family still remains. She walks around with her head up looking down on others like she has the world in her hands, but she ain’t got shit. I heard she and her sister used to talk about my girlfriend; they even work at the same place now. But I guess Victoria’s sister is better somehow. I can’t understand that.

I grew up in the ghettos of Warren, Ohio. I can from where most people in the town came from, so I can’t talk about their upbringing or the way they act or act like I’m better than them. But if you try to disrespect my character like I felt Victoria was when telling me what was gonna be what with our daughter, I had to let her know that what I’ve done in my lifetime, and the responsibilities I’ve accepted as a man to be a father to his child, deserves more respect that what she was trying to give me. To this day she still has the same attitude, but it will all blow over. She knows I’m right, and I know I’m right. If she wants to continue treating me wrong in this situation, that’s her lif; maybe one reason why she is still trying to accomplish the same thing she was when I met her four years ago; to graduate from a college or school with some kind of degree. It doesn’t pay to do wrong. One day she’ll figure that out. Until then, as I’ve always said to her, “I’ll always be beautiful”

Jrnl Entry No. 8.4.2000

I don’t know where was the last place I left off about my life. Today is the day before my –birthday. I’ve been here in New York for a year. I still haven’t gotten any pussy in this town yet. And I’m not only out for just pussy. I’m actually looking for a long lasting relationship to grow into marriage, but the girls who I like and talk to are either from out of town, have a boyfriend (so they say), or both. I guess I don’t like New York girls because every time someone catches my eye that I actually go and approach and talk to, they are from Jersey or somewhere else, never New York. Most New York women wear weave and make-up, and those are just two things that I can’t have in a woman to be mine.

I’ve made a few steps in advancing my production career. I’ve given my tape to many rappers: Rampage of the Flip Mode Squad; Lord Have Mercy formally of the Flip Mode Squad: Raekwan of the Wu-Tang Clan. I gave a tape to Special K of the productions team “Teddy Ted and Special K”; Black Rob’s brother who is also his manager and an MC down with Black Rob who goes by the name of Poo Cabroxi. I gave a tape to this girl I planned on dating but she worked too much and at bad hours. Her MC name is MINK. She called me and said that she wanted to put out her own CD and wanted to use some of my beats. She came over and got another snippet tape of my newest, latest. I told her I wouldn’t charge her in exchange for her letting me get a track on a majorly distributed album if she gets a deal like that, or just hook me up with industry connects that will help me get production deals. Poo Cabroxi called me and said that he has a meeting with Puff Daddy, and wants to hear some of my beats. I’m going to tell him the same thing as far as charge go. I am not in this to make money off of demos. I want to make major doe, so if an MC doesn’t have a major or even minor distribution deal, I don’t want nothing but the connections of contact for future projects.

I’ve decided it’s time to cut Ohio loose and live here in New York for real. Over the past year I have been home at least once a month to see my daughter, Sausha, Lauren or Rebecca. I’m not at all attracted to Rebecca so she is the first to be gone off of my list of people not to see anymore. I let her come to visit me twice. She looks disgusting in clothing, like she is still pregnant, and that combined with our complicated past just turns me completely off. She is just lazy or works too much. She eats healthy, but she doesn’t exercise often enough to get rid of that stomach. I guess she figures as long as she can suck a good dick, especially mine, and keep her kidz father, Thomas, happy, even though she claims she can’t stand him; she figures she doesn’t need to work out. I made the mistake of coming in her the last time she was here. She has gotten pregnant three times since we have started seeing each other a year ago, but she took some pills called Cytotec, which is for ulcers and cause pregnant women to have miscarriages. She claims she is getting attached to me even though she knows we can never be nothing again, so I hope she doesn’t get pregnant and try to keep it and me in her life. She has two kidz and she says she wants a third, but not right now, and not by Thomas; which he can’t have anymore because he is fixed. I’m gonna wait till she has her period and tell her that I do not want to see her anymore.

Sausha, every time I left from seeing her, she made up her mind not to talk to me anymore, and she told me that when she moved into her new house, she wasn’t giving me the phone number or the address. I decided that I could live without her too so I was going to be done with her.

I then went on a quest to try and get Lauren to move in with me in New York. She wanted to get married. I said that I would marry her, believing that I could be happy with her. I even bought her a little engagement ring. She wanted to have a wedding which I did not in the first place, and plus we couldn’t afford it. At the same time my cousin was having trouble with his wife and she was putting him out of the house. They never lived together before they got married or even had a long relationship. This scared me, and I told Lauren that we should try living together before we get married because it’s a whole different life, especially in New York.

She was so dead set on getting married. We argued back and forth. I gave in, and two weeks later, I changed my mind again because marriage and kidz are not beneficial to a man in marriage when a divorce happens, and I explained to her that I was looking at the overall picture of happiness and sadness. In sad times, especially if a divorce occurs, a man loses. I told her that I was still willing to marry her if she was that dead set on it. After her hearing my discussion and reading a few letters I had written her, she decided to scrap the marriage idea and sign up for the army. And she said there was no changing her mind. She said I had changed my mind enough and this was it. Our discussions got heated, and no compromise was being made on her part. I said forget it too, and asked Sausha to move with me because we had discussed it before.

Sausha said that my asking was a sudden change of heart, and that she had plans on moving into her house, work and go to school. She had forgotten about the idea of moving with me, but she would think about it, and she wanted me to really think about it also. When I first moved I told her to come with me but she didn’t want to. Then, she thought about it and we had a trial week the week of Thanksgiving 1999 with two of her kidz. I didn’t like it, and neither did she. We broke up after that and I didn’t talk to her for two or three months. We eventually ended up back talking, but there was no mention of her moving with me. This was when she made her other plans to try and get rid of me, but she couldn’t.

At the time after I was fed up with Lauren, and I asked Sausha to move in with me, Sausha told me one day on the phone that she wasn’t moving with me. She called me collect on the phone one Saturday night but wasn’t home for me to call her back. I called her house for three days after that and she wasn’t answering her phone and she didn’t call me anymore. It was at this point that I said, “fuck both of them and their three kidz.” I didn’t call anyone. I made up my mind to just chill, and if a woman came along, fine, if not, fine too.

Two weeks had gone past and Lauren wrote me a letter that I received on a Friday saying that she needed me and wanted to see me. I called her and told her to leave her house since she had gotten rid of her kidz thinking that I would get the letter sooner and she would be leaving work that Friday. She said she would come Saturday and take off work Monday, and I said I would take off also.

She came and we had our usual good sex, and we went out and did little shit like go to the bookstore and read. We talked of how would we all fit into the apartment of mine. But she still said that she was going to the military. I told her if she goes to the military that is it for us. First off, it makes no sense for a — year old mother of three to go to the military. She said she feels she has to go to accomplish something in her life and the military would help her do that. We stopped talking about it. She went home and wrote me a little letter with a $25 check in it to make up for the $50 I spent on an amusement park trip that I had forgotten about when she called, and I couldn’t go to because she was there in New York with me.

Sausha called me Saturday collect while Lauren was there and I accepted and talked to her for a few minutes. She gave me her number but said she wasn’t sure if it was the right one, which I could understand because she has no reason to call her own house and maybe she just didn’t have it memorized at the time. I told her that I would call her later. I was going to call that Monday after Lauren left. Sausha called again that Saturday night and I didn’t accept the call because I figured I had the number to call her back, but it was the wrong number. She hasn’t called again.

I think Lauren is still going to the military, but she just wanted to smooth things over with me before she left. Because before she wrote that letter and came to see me, I had no plans of ever talking to her again and she knew that. Maybe she wants to keep a little tab on me so maybe we can get together after she is finished with the military. Well I’m not stressing her anymore. She can do whatever she wants. If I am available when she gets out of the military, I probably will be with her. But a fine handsome young man like myself, I doubt if I will be available after a few months or a few years. This bad luck with women in New York has got to stop soon, and if it doesn’t, I’ll be content focusing on my music. I’m not sweating women no more. I’m very relaxed with the issue at this point in time.

Sausha and Lauren. You may say I don’t love neither one of them, I’m just using thing as a crutch until I find someone I really want. Truth is, that may be true to some degree. I love them both, but they have no careers or solid ways to help me take care of their children. And that is the only thing that stops me when thinking of being with them. I’ve been able to get along really well with both of them. Lauren has the better body and better sex, which is why I made the choice to leave Sausha alone and try to be with her.

One thing that they both do that turns me on and every man probably loves this; they both wear thong underwear for me. I think I have a fetish for thong underwear. When I see a girl wearing tight jeans or tight hip hugger leggings; if she doesn’t have on a thong with them, she can forget about me approaching her. Sausha didn’t wear them until I started getting on her about wearing cotton little girl panties. Lauren didn’t wear them neither at first. I had to coach both of them into wearing them. These two women will do what makes me happy, and I like to keep them happy, and that is the main ingredient with both of them, and that is why I love them. And I am at the point now where I don’t want to coach anybody else on what makes me happy because it is really hard work. And that is probably why I will go back to either Sausha or Lauren if they come back to me. Now I talk to women that I know I am attracted to on sight. I am very picky at this point when it comes to talking to a new girl that I have to approach, and maybe that is why I haven’t found anyone. But in any case, like I said, I’m chilling.

I haven’t seen my daughter Janelle in like three or four months. Her mom wouldn’t agree to let me keep her in New York every other month for two weeks instead of me driving to Ohio once or twice a month to spend a weekend with her. That didn’t seem fair to me, so I said I would not be taking care of Janelle no more since she wants to put all these restrictions on me when it comes to spending time with her. She said fine, and even told her friends that I would not be in my daughter’s life anymore. I got me another lawyer and we set a court date for July 6, 2000. Victoria has the date pushed back to Sept 1, 2000. I hear she is also moving down south to Atlanta. We are going to have to work out a serious joint custody program if she moves down south. I have no plans on not seeing my daughter as much as possible before she starts all day school.

Maybe Victoria feels threatened that Janelle will love me more or hold me in a higher light than she. Victoria has been selfish with Janelle every since she was born. I may be selfish and stubborn, but I would never be selfish and stubborn with a child, especially to the other parent if I had custody. It will be alright though. I know I will have a relationship with my daughter one day, sooner or later no matter what her mother does to try and stop it. I’ve tried to be cordial with Victoria and her family, but I’m through with being nice. I am not speaking to any of them again. And if they have the nerve to ask why, I’ll tell them. All I ever asked of Victoria was to let me spend time with my daughter. I’ve never given her any trouble about money for Janelle. I never complained about child support. I never bothered Victoria about who she seen as a boyfriend. I haven’t bothered her about anything except spending time with my daughter. I guess I’m wrong for that. She may be trying to punish me for past thing in our relationship, but that is childish, and hopefully she will realize that, and realize that my daughter needs me in her life, what little I can be in it, and I also need my daughter in my life. The past is the past, there is nothing between us but a child who needs both of us, so let it be.

This year, I’m focusing on my job, my music, and my total life in New York. I’m not running home to see any women, I’m not asking any women from Warren to come and live with me. I’m just chilling. Hopefully things go smooth with my visitation case, and my daughter will be a bigger part in my life. At age –, this is what I’ve grown to. My last year, 1999, in New York was half a waste for what time I did spend here.

Jrnl Entry No. 2.29.2000

I returned home to Warren over the last weekend just for the purpose of to get some pussy. I arrived in town about 10 P.M. over to Lauren’s house. When I arrived she didn’t smile or anything. I was figuring I would probably be leaving because she was not gonna act right, have an attitude, and not want to have the good sex we usually have when we are together. I walked in the house but didn’t get comfortable because her face didn’t say get comfortable. I had my coat on still, ready to walk out the door. She said that she was tired and what not.

She started to warm up after a while. We went to the grocery store and to Walmart. When we came back we got heated up and took our clothes off. When my dick got rock hard, I told her to get her daughter’s polaroid and let’s take some pictures. She said, “what you ask for, you shall receive.” I guess she thought I was bullshitting. I like little freakish shit like that. I was naked and I told her to take a picture of me standing by the fire place with my dick pointing straight forward. After that she told me to take a picture of her. I told her to go put on some thong underwear, and she went upstairs and put on a pair. She got down on her knees with her ass facing me. She pulled up her little see-through ankle length dress or whatever it was, you could see right through it. She turned around and looked at the camera and I snapped the picture. Then she suggested that I take one of her sucking my dick. She told me to sit on a pillow on the floor, and she put the head of my dick in her mouth and closed her eyes, and I snapped the picture; it came out nice. My dick was nice and hard and thick looking in her mouth, and her eyes were shut like she was giving me the blow job of my life.

Lauren doesn’t suck my dick often. She was doing it last year, but when I left a note in her mail box and said something about her doing it, she hasn’t done it since. I like the way she sucks my dick. It was like a teasing suck, and it feels so good. The only girl who was able to make me cum sucking my dick was Rebecca. I think that Lauren could accomplish that also if we work on it. I used to eat her pussy all the time when we first started out, but she says she didn’t like it so I stopped. Lauren and I have the best sex ever. My dick gets so hard for her. I love cuming in her pussy doggie style and with her on top. You should hear me, it sounds like I’m dying when I cum in that ass. She makes me just want to holla.

After I took the picture of her sucking my dick, I got behind her and stuck my dick in her pussy with her thong still on. I snapped a picture with the head of my dick in her pussy from the back. That was a nice picture also with her big ass up in the air in a thong, with my dick sliding the thong over a little to penetrate the pussy. I then took off her panties and snapped a picture with my dick going in from behind. After that we made love. I finished on top of her palming her as in my hands and busting a nice wet warm nut in her pussy. After that I got up and the cum rolled out of her pussy. She was lying there with her legs open. You could see the cum between her legs. I snapped a picture of her lying there. Then she got up and stood by the fire place sideways so that I could see the curb of her ass. She put her hands on her hips and I snapped another picture. We were all out of film after that. We started to watch a movie and we fell asleep naked in each other’s arms.

I’ve talked about Lauren before in the past and stated how good her pussy is to me and how we were in love until she found out I was having some kind of relations with Rebecca. She was right for getting rid of me. I was having a relationship with her and Rebecca. That was a great sexual time in my life. I’ve already talked about that also. I tried coming back into Lauren life after that, and she would let me back in partially. We would have great sex and maybe go out a couple of times, and then she would start doggin’ me, and I would leave her alone. We have went on like this for at least three years. I’ve tried to get back with her but she just dogged me. I hurt her trust I guess. This time around it seems like she is over that and she has been acting nice and we have been getting along better than any of the past times when I came back into her life.

Last year around this time, I had premature thoughts of marrying Lauren. I was seriously thinking about being with her and taking her to N.Y. with me and we would live happily ever after. But after one time of us being together after I said that, I didn’t feel the same. I saw that my love had changed for her and through all the doggin’ me when I was seriously trying to get back with her, my love for her was gone and lost. I told that I didn’t feel the same about her as I used to, and that we shouldn’t see each other. And I proceeded to move forward with my relationship with Sausha. But now since Lauren and I have been back together, it’s been good. My heart is still a little hardened toward her, but just like I fell in love with her before because when I first met her, I didn’t like; as we spent more time together, I fell in love with her. She has plans on moving to Virginia this summer. If I let her move there, we will never come together.

Lauren and I have had lots of fun together like the time when we went to Freak-Nik. We went to some club and I was freaking her on the dance floor. After the club was over, we went out to the car and fucked right in the parking lot. The one year when went to Vels on the Circle in Cleveland for New Years, and she had on this black long satin night gown type dress, and I was freaking her that night. I used to like to go places where nobody knew us and just get nasty on the floor. I like doing things like that. I have an exotic type mind. I think most people say they wouldn’t like a stripper to be their girl, but I think I would love it. I would even probably like my girl to be in porn film. I think I would be turned on by it. Like when Rebecca and I used to have threesomes with Mitchell and Tracey, I liked that shit.

I think Lauren has that type of mind also. She likes to fuck in front of a mirror and look as we are doing it. She once mentioned about having sex with two guys, but we never really discussed it. I think that is partly why we would make a good couple. We have fun together in bed, out at clubs, etc. And besides the stretch marks, I think I have mentioned this before, Lauren has the greatest ass I have ever stuck my dick into. I love the shape of her body in the clothes she wears. Bottom line is that Lauren turns me on and that is what I want in a wife. I have not been turned on by anyone like she turns me on. And now I have these pictures at my apartment and I have been looking at them every day, and thinking to myself, “how can I let this ass go, look at it.” She has the type of ass that guys love to fuck. It’s nice and round and plump.

I know I said that I really don’t want to be with a woman with three kidz, and that is not the real problem. The problem with the kidz issue that I have with Sausha is that her kidz are little and need baby sitters and shit. Lauren’s kidz are 14, 9, and 7. They can basically watch themselves. Sausha has no steady job and she wants to go to school. Lauren works as an assistant manager of bookkeeping. She is more stable in her life and can help me better to take care of her kidz than Sausha can.

I have to realize what’s important to me. Financial stability is important, sex is important, and good times are important. With Lauren bringing in some income, I don’t know how much, and with my budgeting skills, we will probably be alright. With our sex life, we should be all right. With our ability to go out and have a good time together, we should be alright. I believe we can be great friends and great lovers. I don’t know how I will be as a step-father though. Her kidz like me so I shouldn’t have a problem with them. They are passed the brat stage unlike Sausha’s youngest son Rykell. I still don’t like him. He will probably turn out to be a good kid too.

Lauren has forgotten about the past she says, and feels that we can get along. I haven’t forgotten how she was doggin’ me all those years, but I will get over it especially with all that ass in my face every night. She won my heart the first time, so I’ll see if she can do it again. If she does, we will get married later like when the kidz are grown and out the house, when she will be truly mine. If I can’t hold her off that long, I guess I’ll give in. I’m looking forward to being with her and us making a life together, and doing it like we used to. I guess it’s meant to be, otherwise, I would have been left her lone. Rhonda is not for me. She has a time and place for everything attitude that I don’t have. I will fuck in the middle of the grocery store aisle if it wasn’t against the law. Sausha has some of what I want, and some things I don’t. She says she is ready to be free now. Lauren has passed her up in the freedom department with the nude photos. Sausha says she would only do that if she was married, and I have a feeling even then that she would be stiff with it. Sausha has a lot to learn, and I don’t have time to teach it to her. I love Sausha but I’m ready for what Lauren has to offer me.

Jrnl Entry 9.13.2000 “MY HIP HIP STORY” PART VIII

Yeah, I live in New York now and have been here for a year. That feeling I used to have when I’d visit of walking around blending in as a New Yorker with Timberlands on and baggy jeans caused me to move here. I am finally here now, and it’s not feeling good at all. My plan was to move here, find me a couple of women to chill with, and make moves in the music industry. What actually happened when I got here was that I wasn’t able to meet any women, none! I thought I could maybe meet people out shopping or something, in a nice lounge bar, but it’s not like that here. Come to think about it, I don’t think it’s like that anywhere. When I was going out in Cleveland, I never picked up any women. I guess women don’t talk to you if they don’t know you or know of you, or someone that they know knows you. “I know I look good so it couldn’t be my looks.” (Ed O.G.) When Ed O.G. made that song “Gotta Have Money To Make It Witt The Ladies In The 90’s” He was telling the truth for the 90’s and beyond because it’s year 2000 and the same applies. If you don’t have a fly ride or are not a celebrity in New York and don’t know nobody, you are doomed.

I’m here trying to accomplish my dream of getting into Hip Hop, but with no women and no friends, it’s getting hard. I’ve talked to at least 100 girls in the last year, more than I’ve probably ever talked to in life, and didn’t strike anything with any of them. I talked to about 5 over the phone and nothing became of them. It’s ridiculous that there are millions of people walking around in this city and you can’t talk to anyone, at least not on a meeting and get to know on a relationship level. New York has some of the finest women of all races walking around, but you go and speak to them and it’s like “why are you saying something to me?” Even if you are polite, you still get dissed. Right now as I am writing this, I am depressed and don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t even like being outside in the city. I feel like it’s just me here and the rest of the outside world I’m seeing through a sound proof glass.

I went out last weekend with Burton who came to New York from Ohio. I talked to a really nice young lady by the name of Michelle at the Club Two Eyes We exchanged numbers and she gave me the wrong number. I talked to about four other girls that night and gave them my number and no one has called. Women here don’t give out their phone number like I can get to em’ and kill em’ through the phone. I told Michelle, if after calling a couple times and I see that you are not interested, I will not call anymore because I don’t have time for that. I told her I was a mature young man looking for a mature young lady, out of college or stable in her life. She told me she was in graduate school. I asked if we could get to know each other? She said yeah and we exchanged numbers. I called her Sunday night, and she gave me the wrong number. It just gets me down that I can introduce myself to a woman that I like, talk to her for a moment, and then she gives me the wrong number. I’m at the point now where I’m telling myself that I will not introduce myself to anymore women in this city.

I haven’t made any connections in the Hip Hop world neither. I ‘m kind of confused as to what type of Hip Hop I should be making. Underground artist such as Mos Def and Slum Village, who both have dope albums, they don’t sell. I want this music to be my living, and a good living. How am I supposed to live producing songs on albums that don’t sell to provide me with that living? The tracks being produced out on the mainstream, I don’t like half of them. I just try and make funky music. It must not be funky enough because out of like 25 tapes that I’ve submitted in person to rappers such as Raekwon of the Wu-Tang Clan, Talib Kweli of Black Starr and Reflection Eternal, and Rampage of the Flip Mode Squad, I have gotten no calls. I gave a tape to Black Rob’s brother and he gave me no call. I gave a tape to this kid named Poo Cabroxi, he called me and wanted two tracks on the tape. After I gave him the two tracks on a separate tape, he never called me again. He was telling me that I was gonna be recordin’ the songs in Daddy’s House Studios because his boy who wanted the songs was signed to Bad Boy Entertainment.

I sent a tape to my cousin who used to work for Motown. She is in Atlanta now. She didn’t respond. I cursed her out for not responding to me to tell me anything. She talked to me like she was some big A&R, not my cousin. She said since I cursed her out, she cannot help me. And she was working in the same office building as the Organized Noise producers who produced Outkast. She never introduced me to no one, so I said fuck her. I also know a guy who is down with DJ Clue. He is one of my good friend’s cousin by the name of Windexter. He was on the inside cover of Clue’s first mix tape on a major label. He grew up with Clue’s manager Richie. Every time I call this guy, he is never home. Or when I do talk to him, he never seems to have time to hang out, not even as a friend, which was my initial plan anyway because I thought he was a cool cat. I asked him to introduce me to Richie one time. He told me to call him one Saturday so he could listen to my tape, but he wasn’t home when I called. I even told him that if I get paid, I’d pay him, but he still hasn’t responded to me.

So I’m just here and I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do with my life. I’m not gonna quit yet. I’m just feeling really down. So what started out as a bud in 84/85 lead me here to New York City feeling kind of depressed in the year 2000. I expected the rejection in the music industry, but the rejection from these women, I didn’t expect, and I am not handling it so well. But hopefully with time things will get better. I feel I want this music Hip Hop dream so bad, that I’m willing to go through all this because anywhere else I’ll have nothing to chase but a corporate ladder, which I don’t feel like chasing right now. I have a feeling that chasing that ladder will probably take me further in life than this Hip Hop dream, but what can I say. I want Hip Hop to be my life, not accounting in a corporation and definitely not in an accounting firm. It’s providing me with a means to live, but it’s not in my heart, HIP HOP IS!

Jrnl Entry No. 5.8.2000

It’s  Monday morning. The weekend was summery and hot. I cooled out in the Village Saturday on the strip of 8th S b/w 5th and 6th ave. It was mad bitches out there I tell you. Women, women, women were out looking sexy, and guys were out there harassing them.

After about an hour and a half of looking, I decided to try and holla at a couple of young ladies whom I felt were attractive. The first girl I said something to, she was a school girl, I could tell from the way she was reacting when I said something to her. I talking in my usual polite tone, and she and her friend were liking running away from me like I was a wild animal. I was walking with them for a little, and then her friend said “we are just tryin’ to get home.” From that statement right there, I knew they were like 19 to 21 years of age, not what I’m tryin’ to be bothered with.

The next girl was a browned skinned honey, short, with a nice ass, low haircut. I said something to her and she had a stern face on. I tried to loosen her up a little. I asked her was she in the market to meet any new friends. She said that she was involved with someone, the old cop out line to get a guy out of your face. I said to her “that’s what you all say” and I turned around to go back and chill on the wall.

I had been out there about two hours at this point, and decided that it was time to go home. On my way to my car, I stopped at Barnes and Noble bookstore on the corner of 6th Ave and 8th St, and there was this honey there that I had seen earlier that caught my eye. When I came back out of the bookstore, she was still there with her friends. I stood there for a minute to contemplate whether or not I should talk to her. I decided not to.

As I was standing there, a man passed by. We were about the same height, and our eyes met, so I said hello, and he did the same. He strolled down the street. He looked like a nice gentleman in his early fifties. I caught up to him and asked him was he from New York. He said yes that he had been living there all his life. I asked him had he seen Coming To America. He said that he had. So then I says, “I’m going to ask you the same question Eddie Murphy asked the barber.” “What do you have to do to find a nice woman in the town?” So he starts kicking some science, and I was listening to him. He said that he was cooling out for the day walking up and down the block. His name was Mustaffa. We turned around and headed back down to 8th St, and he was telling me that you have to let off a positive energy, and get that eye contact. Once you get the eye contact, you roll with it from there. We stopped down by the bookstore, and stood on that corner and talked and watched the ladies go by. Since I was standing there, and I spoke to her when we passed by, I decided that I should talk to the girl whom I decided not to talk to 15 minutes earlier.

I called her over to me because she was in between her two friends. She had somewhat of an attitude but not too heavy. She said she was 21, lived in Jersey, just had a son, was going back to school, and wasn’t looking for a man because most men out are about bullshit, so she keeps friends. She had been waiting on the corner there for a friend, she said. I gave her the run down to let her know that I was not bullshit. “I’m 26; I graduated college; I have a job; I have my own apartment; I have my own car.” We talked for a moment, and I told her it was nice meeting, and she went and stood back between her friends. I probably could have gotten her number, but I didn’t bother asking for it. Funny how every time I run into a Jersey chick in New York, we click a little, and I can get the number. For one, calling Jersey is long distance; for two, I’m not tryin’ to talk to no 21 year old still in college. I was telling Mustaffa that I’m out of college and I ain’t trying to go back to school. I am past that. He agreed with me on that one. Mustaffa and I stood there for about 45 min talking about different women who passed by, and he was giving me pointers on how to get with, and the mentality of most women in New York. He told me of an after work spot for Friday nights that he hangs out at. I got his cell phone number, and he went about his way.

I decided to take another stroll down 8th Street. After about 30 mins I spotted this young lady I liked. I stood and checked her out as she was talking with her friends. She started to proceed down the block, and I followed her, waiting to make my move to talk to her. I passed her and her friends up a little. A guy said something to her as he was walking by. She laughed and kept goin; there was my opportunity to get at her and I did. I turned around as the guy was saying something to her. I said “how are you doing?” She said “didn’t I see you back there on the corner?” She noticed me, which was a good sign I guess. She was 23, lives in the Bronx. She seemed nice and intelligent, but you never know. I was telling her that I was from out of town, and asking her what do you have to do to talk to a girl around this town. She said she didn’t know. New York girls just talk like they have an attitude, and don’t trust to give out their home number, and so on and so forth; that’s just the way it is here. She gave me her pager number, and I gave her my home number. I’ll probably call her tonight. I walked in the other directions back towards 6th Ave.

As I was walking I noticed Busta Rhymes sitting down talking on a cell phone. I reached out my arm to give him a pound, but he ignored it. His friend or bodyguard said “he’s on the phone right now man.” You know, as if I couldn’t see that. I just kept on walking. I had a tape of my beats in my pocket, so I turned around and asked this dude could I speak with him after he gets off the phone. He brushes me off with some bullshit like “if it’s for business, business hours are… it’s the weekend.” I said oh well, and kept it movin’ down the street. I stood in this one spot for about 20 mins, and then I made my way home across the Queens Bridge. I just chilled at home all night. Ricardo called and said that he and Kenneth were goin’ to go out tonight, and bullshit like they usually do. I wasn’t in the mood to be riding them around all night talkin’ to hoes who don’t want to talk. They called about three times asking me was I coming out, and I told them no each time.

I had talked to Lauren earlier that day, and we discussed her coming to New York, and she said she wasn’t coming, and our talks about marriage were over because I ignored her on the phone last weekend when Rolonda was at my house from Florida. I met Rolonda while in Florida with my cousin Romeo for the Black College Reunion Spring Break. She was in town for the weekend, and we had been talking for about a month because I knew she was coming to town. She was there at my house, and we were having safe sex, which I couldn’t feel, so it was a so so weekend of putting on multiple condoms, stopping because I couldn’t feel shit to come. I finally busted a nut with the condom on Sunday afternoon on our last try before I had to drop her off over her aunt’s house in St Albans Queens.

I couldn’t talk to Lauren while Rolonda was right in my kitchen cooking me dinner. And besides I had talked to Lauren earlier that day while Rolonda was gone visiting her friends. Lauren said I hurt her feelings by not talking to her. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. It was all bullshit though. She never planned on marrying me and moving to New York. She was just getting revenge from when I told her I wanted to marry her last year, and changed my mind because she was dogging me for her new/old boyfriend Jamelle. She never planned on getting back with me seriously since she had suspicion of me fucking Rebecca while I was with her. And plus the fact that I told her when we first started talking that we would probably never be able to be together because she had three kidz.

I am only in lust with Lauren anyway, and I probably would have married her out of that lust. I wonder how long it would have lasted; probably a long time with the advent of Viagra. I decided to mail her some journal I wrote telling her the real story of my relationship with her, my cheating, my lust, etc for her. It was never real love. I’ve always known that. She probably has too, which is the reason why we could never really get along. I think of her often though, she makes my dick the hardest, but love is not there like that. So I’ll let her go once and for all. I’m too old to be playing games with her. I’ll see what’s on Coubie’s mind, the 23 year old I met in the village. She has the look of a nice girl I could grow to love. But finding love is a long shot I know.

A relationship with my daughter doesn’t seem possible with the forces of her mom working against me. I’ve decided to tell her that she can have her daughter, without my love and support. I shouldn’t have to fight to love and care for my own child. I’ll go to jail before I support a child whom I can’t see like I wish. And that just may be where I end up because Victoria is not gonna work with me. I hear she is pregnant again, making her way up to that “3 kidz status” like her two sisters and Sausha, whom she talked about so bad when she heard I was dating her. If she is pregnant, that is two baby daddies. At least Sausha only has one. Victoria your ignorance, and evil, and hatred are getting you nowhere in life. And you used to talk about me not believing in god. I’m doin a hell of lot better not believing in him, than you are believing in him.

Jrnl Entry No. 4.16.2000

I was stressing my cousin Romeo all last week about marriage and what should be the most important thing I should be looking for in a wife. I also e-mailed two of my frat brothers with the same question: Tyrone Johnson and Charles Roberts.

Now why was asking them these questions? Well Lauren is 28 and we have rekindled our flame once again for what will probably be the last time since we started being together six years ago. I always end up going over her house once a year and we have good sex, and maybe a couple times after that, and then we quit because either she has a boyfriend or I have some situation on my hands. Well this time when I went over there, I had been broken up from Sausha for three months already, and I was just fucking Rebecca on my visits back to town to see my daughter.

Lauren didn’t have a guy that she really liked at the time so we did our usual thing. I’ve always in the past hoped that we could get back together like we were before, but this time I really didn’t care; getting back together was not even a thought in my mind. From the way she was talking though, it was of some interest to her for us to be together, but I brushed those interest off. She came to N.Y. and visited me and was being nice to me, but I wasn’t responding to her.

Well anyway, in my loneliness at my apartment in Queens I kind of made up my mind that I should try and be with her, and maybe we could get our relationship back on track. I started asking her to come and live with me. She said no and gave me all kind of excuses. Eventually she started thinking about it. She came to me with us getting married first, and then we could be together. I said marriage was not in the plans at least until we live together for a year to see if we could make it here in N.Y. together and if we even liked each other that much, or was it just lust for each other.

She claims that she loves and/or has loved me more than I love/loved her. The way she was treating me over the last two or three years, I couldn’t tell. But I started thinking about all the good points about Lauren. She can be sexy like I want her to be. She has a nice little jello-ton ass that she works very well in bed. She would probably try anything sexually that I wanted (there has been minute talk about trois with another man and with another woman), and we’ve even had anal sex once. She treats me good when she is not madd. She has a job to support herself and her kids.

The things I don’t like about her are for one she still dresses corny from time to time in these little funky shirts that could be fly if she knew how and what to rock them with. And most of the time I see her, she is not wearing pants that express the beauty and roundness of her ass, which turns me on. She has started wearing hair pieces now, which I do not like a woman who doesn’t wear her natural hair. She doesn’t exactly dress her kids like I would like them to be dressed probably because she can’t afford it. Her job as an assistant manager at a bank probably wouldn’t bring in enough income for all five of us to survive in N.Y. And I just found out that her two boys aren’t doing well in school, which means if they move here, they are probably gonna be dummies and have to be living with us for the rest of their lives.

After I spent a weekend with Lauren, I was really thinking about marriage and asking all these questions. I think that I am not in love with her. I love many things about her, but I am not in love with her anymore. The love could grow which is why I want to live together for a year before just jumping into marriage. I feel in love with her before, but it went away.

I was talking to my one frat brothers about the meeting of his wife and what not. He said that his marriage was more than just love. Marriage is a job, and a business decision. When he said that, something snapped in my head. He is right, it is a business decision. And me marrying Lauren or Sausha would not be a good business decision at this time in my life because they can’t really help my bottom line on the business end of things. I also thought that I only really think of them when I am horny from not having sex in a week or two. After I have sex with them, I’m alright for another week. I think that l love Sausha more than Lauren, but Sausha doesn’t have that good pussy that Lauran has.

I’m steady trying to find me a real woman here who has a real job and a real life who wants a real man, but I haven’t had any luck. I don’t know, but last night I was thinking about Sausha real heavy because I haven’t seen her in like a month. I believe it is my loneliness that drives me to think heavily about them. I think that my loneliness will eventually drive me to being with one of them. I’m trying to put up a good fight, but I’m losing the battle. I don’t want to struggle with someone else’s kids, but these are the only women I have in my life.

That bullshit about a man can have any woman he wants is turning out to be just that, BULLSHIT. A man can’t have a woman if she doesn’t want him or if she already has a man. Or in the case of N.Y., if she is too scared to take a chance and meet someone who talks to her while she is out shopping. It’s the women who have all the control. Sometimes they give up that control to a man who has money, power, status, but for the average guy like me, they have all the control. I don’t seem to have anything these women in N.Y. want. For one, I look too young. I know that is the main problem. Lauren wanted me and she got me. I wanted Lynaye, Veronique, Lynette, and I still am messing with Lauren who wanted me. I have never had a woman I really wanted besides Samantha in 12th grade. I wanted us to happen, and we did, and we were in love. Our love got interrupted by race.

Jrnl Entry No. 3.20.2000

You know, fuck talking about these bitches. I’ve realized that most of my stories have been about these stupid and smart bitches here in N.Y., and bitches of my past. I’ve been writing my cousin and telling him about these hoes around here who will not talk to me, will not come to my apartment. My take is this. If these hoes around here can’t recognize a nigga tryin’ to live a good life and handle his responsibilities, a real man like they are always complaining about that there are none, then fuck em.

N.Y. I’ve concluded is a bunch of small towns within a big city. Everybody here is scared of the next guy if they don’t know him, and for an outsider like me who no one knows, no one is tryin’ to talk to me. I’m gonna weather the storm of this bullshit city for a while though. If nothing happens, fuck this place; a bullshit big city filled with people who have bullshit dreams, and most who have no talent that will help them accomplish their dreams.

I went to N.Y. Comedy Club on Saturday to the 12 A.M. show. They showcased about six or seven comics, and only one was truly talented and funny. His name was Dean Morrison I think. If I was looking for someone to sponsor and make hot, he would have been it that night. The rest of the comics had their moments but none of them had that glow like this kid did. I wish him the best of luck and hopes he get his big breaks because talent like his deserves big dollars and recognition.

Sunday I stayed in bed all day and watched a little bit of a couple tournament college games. I was there lonely, thinking what and the fuck am I doing here in this city. It seems like I’m wasting my life away; not making enough money, no woman, no crew to run with, no nothing. But I’m just figuring with time it will all get better. I may as well keep moving in a forward direction.

I completed two new songs within the last like two weeks. I should probably just sit down at my sampler more often because every time I sit down, I produce something that sounds good to me. I bought a bootleg copy of Irv Gotti Presents The Murderers CD on Saturday and I listened to it. The shit was pretty bogus to me. These albums that these niggaz is puttin’ out deez dayz are just wack. They tryin’ to be on some different shit but the shit just does not work for me. The tracks are not what I want to hear. I want to hear tracks like that Screwball H.O.S.T.Y.L.E track, and that 50 Cent  track “Murder, I Don’t Believe You” Those were two of the slaminest tracks I’ve heard this year come out of New York. And that shit is really disappointin’ me man. This shit that is getting put out is not exactly the shit that I’m tryin’ to roll witt. I have run into two MCs so far in this N.Y. land and they both on some ole shit that I really don’t like. I’m gonna produce shit for whoever wants it whether I like their flow or not because believe it or not, the wackest shit gets put on top.

I called my daughter and she was watching a Blues Clues tape and didn’t want to talk. She didn’t even want to come to the phone. Victoria told her “come and see who on the phone.” She didn’t say nothing like your daddy’s on the phone. I thought about calling her back and telling her about that shit, but I let it go and said fuck Victoria. She’s the stupid bitch for not wanting to promote a good relationship between her child and the father. Let her be simple. Her simpleness is why she’s still livin’ with her mom and dad at age 28, been left alone by two good  niggaz in the last two years, and nothing seems to be working for her so far in life. Jealousy, envy, hatred, and evilness will get you nowhere. Youthink she would have figured this out by now. She used to worry about me not believing in god. I’m jesus compared to her ass, and all the evil shit she has on her back for me.

One day I came to realize that you pray for something and you are supposed to keep praying for it, and be patient, and eventually god will give it to you. What kind of bullshit is that? I prayed for a record contract for years and nothing ever happened. Then they always have an excuse; well, that is not what the good lord intended for you to be. The lord has a plan for everybody. So the lord doesn’t want me to be what I want to be and what I will enjoy being. I damn sure ain’t enjoying this working at these corporations shit too much.

My grandmother has been praying for what seems like all her life, and she ain’t got nothing good from it. She had a husband who cheated and beated on her, and she cheated on him. Only two of her seven kidz have real jobz and their own homes. All except for two, the youngest two, have been married or are married still. None of the married ones have had happy marriages. My Uncle Michael’s wife has been cheating on him every since the beginning of their relationship, and I guess she has stopped at this point around age 45. They’ve been together since like age 20/21. I guess they call themselves happy now. They both have good paying jobs, and just bought a brand new home in the suburbs of our bullshit city Warren. He went away to the Marines about eight / nine years ago. When he came home from basic training his back was out for some reason. Word was that his wife and her mother and brother had beat him up, or that basic training was a little much for him to handle. About two years ago I got word that what really happened was that when he got home from basic training, his wife was fucking another man in their apartment. When my uncle walked in the apartment and went upstairs in the room, the guy jumped up and beat his ass because he knew karate or something.

My Uncle Billy cheats on my Aunt Lena because she has no flair (Jazz Pazazz) about herself. My Aunt Micha and her husband have their problems so she says. My oldest aunt married one time and was divorced at a fairly young age, and she has always been sexy to me, but she never remarried or has had a real boyfriend that she brought around the family. The youngest two who have never gotten married: Janet and Kelly. Janet was a sexy thang back in her day; has been sexy up until I’d say about six or seven years ago. She was thick and always wore tight jeans with a body suit. She had a big ole ass and some big ole tidies to go witt it, but she wore too much makeup, which looked good on her back in the seventies and eighties. She and the rest of my aunts always boated that they’ve never been known to be hoes. Janet always carried herself in a lady like manner as far as I saw. She never had a real job though, and maybe that is why no one came along and swooped her up. And maybe she had some bad pussy, didn’t know how to fuck with all that ass she had. I know from experience that if the pussy ain’t good, you will not be kept, and once you are gone, you will not be remembered. Remember that shit ladies! Kelly, she never had a real job neither, and her thickness wore out to be fat way before Janet’s did. I’ve heard her talkin’ some freakiness though, so maybe she had some good pussy but nothing else to go with it to make a man want to marry her. My mom was married to my father who used to beat on her and abuse her. They got a divorce. She was still young and sexy at the time. We moved to California when I was five, and she met her second husband when I was like seven. He was nice to her and me: no drugs, didn’t fight her. They were quite happy I suspect. She even said he had some good dick. Well they got robbed one day in California. Now she is 47, fat, no life, no hope. Just smokes, eats, and sleeps and watch my little cousins when asked.

So my grandmother’s family is not at all a bright, blessed family. She is even living from SSI check to SSI check. If her car breaks down, I don’t know what she is going to do about another one. Well she probably has some money in the bank. I don’t know. I’m her only descendant to date that has graduated from college and tryin to do something big with my life. My one cousin works at a good factory in Warren, Ohio and is doin’ well; bought her a house and is raising her son nicely. His father is in his life a little I guess. She was fucking around with two light skinned niggaz when she got pregnant, and told the wrong one that the baby was his. I think her and her mother have a thing for light skinned and fair skinned men. Her mother called herself in love with this mixed looking nigga named Prince at one point in her life. He was a pretty small time hustler in town or maybe he was big time at one point. I don’t know what happened to him and her though, but that was her man. My cousin Jerome, his mother Micha has convinced him that we are not family any more. He is making a career out of the service in the Navy. He married a white / German woman who cheated on him so they divorced. My cousin Carla had a baby at age 15 by a guy who is in jail for a gang fight where they nearly beat some white kids to death. She just recently had another baby by some guy in jail for statutory rape of a 14 year old girl. She works for this company Wetzel Corp. My Uncle Michael’s kidz, three: one of which is not his, one which is rumored to not be his, and the youngest who is supposed to be his. The two oldest, one has two kidz and the other has one kid, and the youngest has one kid. The youngest, her baby is by the pastor (married) of her old church that my Grandmother used to attend. She has a pretty good job and is taking care of herself and her son. The middle one, his first kid came when he was 17 / 18 by some white girl and her family took the girl and shipped her to California and we’ve never seen the baby. After losing his girl and baby and not being able to do anything about it, he got his balls clipped as to never have another baby ever again. He has gone on to make a career out the service: Air Force. The oldest, I don’t know what she does. She was in the Army. She had a son by some guy in San Francisco. He loves his son, and has joint custody of him. Somehow they had another child, and she has him full time I guess. They were supposed to be fighting when she came up pregnant again. My cousin Samuel has been in and out of jail the last ten years tryin’ to be a drug dealer. He never made it in the drug game though. He tried to introduce me to it, but I was scared of going to jail because of the stories my family told me about getting pumped in the booty. Later on in life, I found out that those stories were not all true; getting pumped in the booty happened in jail, but not to everybody every time, just mostly prisons where niggaz is locked up for life for murder and rape and shit like that. I wished I would have joined my cousin, with my help, we could have came up in the game because while most niggaz was beating people up and fighting all the time, I would have been killing niggaz for tryin’ to take mine. I probably would have still went to college, and have close to a mill or five hundred thousand stacked up by now. He has a mixed little girl, and a black little girl whom his mom helps him with seeing and taking care of. The mixed little girl is out of town with her mom and she comes to Warren I guess every other summer.

Me, if it wasn’t for abortion, I would have 1,2,3,4,5,6 kidz by now. Christina; the fat white girl Carmel; Rebecca; Elizabeth; Sausha; and Victoria who had my baby girl Janelle. Victoria got pregnant after three months of us fucking around. I thought we would make it. I thought I liked her, but as time went on, I discovered that I didn’t like her. And once I left her once and for all the second time around, she has hated me every since and has given me trouble with building a relationship with my daughter. We have a relationship, but Victoria would throw a wrinkle in every now and again, and her hate still remains for me. I love my daughter and try to take care of her, and see her as much as her mom will let me. I have no concern for Victoria, good or bad. And like I said, she has a bad attitude, and her pussy wasn’t that great, so she wasn’t kept, and now that she is gone, she is not remembered.

I just finished my 2nd 90 minute tape of my songs. As I did on my first tape I left a message telling my daughter that I love her. I also left a message for her mother played backwards. If you can figure out how to get it played forward Victoria, you can hear it. Listening to my songs, there is something about them that I do not like. They are not hard enough to me and they don’t sound… Hold up, I know what the problem is; the problem is that I have been exposed to all this bullshit being played over the airwaves, and I haven’t bought many albums lately to listen to because I can’t afford it. I think my shit has a place on the underground circuit. I have a few songs that can hold their own weight above ground also. I think I’ll be fine with my tracks.

I was going to try and go to Florida next weekend to the Black College Spring Break and stay with my cousin Romeo, but I don’t think I will be able to make it. He offered to give me some money to help pay for the ticket, but I don’t want him paying for my trip like he did the last time I went and seen him in Kansas. I’m a grown man now, and I should be able to pay for my own trip. Back when I went to Kansas, I was still in college and didn’t have a real job. Now, I’m working full time. I can’t really afford to go but fuck it. He’s been living there for five years now and I haven’t seen his home that he and his wife had built, and she is talking about building another one. I hope my wife and I can make moves like them and have a nice home and drive nice vehicles like they do.

I am bringing Janelle to New York with me this weekend anyway, so I’ll spend the time with her. Her mom doesn’t want to let me bring her, but fuck her. I am a man taking care of his responsibility. I have a right to have my daughter come and stay with me a couple weeks every couple of months. She is just being a bitch saying I can’t bring her home with me. But I ain’t standing for her bullshit no mo. I’m gonna tell her like this, “she is my daughter too. If you want to fight me and press kidnapping charges on me, go ahead. But while you calling me complaining about money and insurance, if I’m in Jail, you can’t get shit from me; so going against me, you going against yourself and your daughter.” I’m gonna see what she what she gonna do though. Victoria you better recognize that all this negative energy that you are throwing out is holding you back from the life that you want to live. You gonna fuck around and be living with Jethro and Darlene forever, and just wrinkle up in that house.