Tag: Warren Ohio

Jrnl Entry No. 4.6.2001

I remember following in the footsteps of my older cousin Romeo Wrangle. I decided in the 11th grade that I wanted to be a mathematician. He was attending University of Akron at that time majoring in the subject. It sounded like a good subject that would provide me with a nice job and well-being in life. In order to major in math, I was told I had to take physics so I signed up for the class as my first step toward the journey of becoming a mathematician. When I got to physics class, I had taken algebra, geometry, and was at the time taking algebra II.

In physics class we had to do these conversions of like inches to meters, miles to kilometers, etc. I had never seen or heard of such math and I was completely not getting it at all. I had nowhere to turn for help, the teacher who I had before as a science teacher was not a very enthusiastic person. He was dry I guess you could say. I tried asking him for help, but he was no help. I came into class early a couple of times and he explained it to me, but I just couldn’t grasp it. I had decided that I would drop the class. I remember one day crying in my room after struggling with the homework, thinking to myself that I would not be anything in life because I couldn’t pass this course. I didn’t know of anything else to be but what Romeo was gonna be. I guess you can say Romeo was my big brother, idle, etc. He got good grades in school; he had nice looking girlfriends; he had friends in school and was an average cool kid. Personally I could say that if it hadn’t been for his influence, I don’t know where I’d be today. No, I actually can’t say that because I wasn’t on to a bad road before we really started hanging out a lot. I think that he was just that person I needed in my life to look up to. And looking at his image and what he was doing in life helped me stay up and focused as far as my life went.

While I had alright clothing to wear and the latest named brand tennis shoes, one thing we could never afford which I wanted so bad was a brand new car. I also wanted to live in a house and not in the projects. But my mom could never afford any of this.

I had friends, the Lindseys, who lived in a nice home; had a brand new car, nice clothes, and their other friends had the same. Come to think about it, I don’t know how I fit in with them; and I guess I didn’t considering how I used to beg Long to come and pick me up to go to basketball games with him and his brother Aderale and sister Alice. No, I don’t think it was that I didn’t fit it because I wasn’t a total scrub or nothing like that, but it was just they had so many other friends that I was just a pebble in the stone yard.

See Long and them grew up from birth until about age seven or eight or nine, in the Highland Holmes. When their dad, Mr. Frank died, they moved to the northwest side of town. They were the first kids I remember playing with and being friends with. My mom and I moved to California when I was five years old the summer before my birthday. By time I came back to town to stay three years later, they had moved to their new neighborhood. It wasn’t until ninth grade that I got back in contact with them. Long who had flunked a grade was in the tenth grade, 16, and was driving a brand new red black and grey Chevy Blazer with a spoiler kit on it and a booming sound system, and this car/truck shot his and his brother and sister’s popularity through the roof.

These were the people I wanted to be around for one, because they were so popular and for two, because they were my first friends. So I forced my way into the crew. I’d go over their house from time to time and chill. In the summer when I got my Honda Elite 80 scooter back out because I had my license then, everybody was on my nuts wanting to ride it so I guess that gained me some acceptance into the crew. I didn’t let them ride much though. The crew was Adrock, Hardy, Long, Aderale, Sachel Harville, Wicky Dejean; they all probably rode my scooter once each. One crew member, the oldest of the bunch was Leon Bonnard. He was living with the Lindsey’s for some reason or another. He wasn’t so accepting of me coming around. He didn’t know why I came around. I guess he seen me as the little bug-a-boo trying to hang with the most popular black kids on the west side of town, and he even said as much to me a few times. But one thing about me was that if people cracked jokes on me or said insulting things, it never really bothered me much. I guess I was always in tune with myself and people cracking on me or like Leon, who would ask me sometimes when I came over, “why you come over here?” I don’t know if he was playing or not but he didn’t bother me. One thing in my mind I had over him and all the other kids who hung around the Lindsey’s was that I knew Mr. Frank. I’d seen Mr. Frank in the flesh; he and Mrs. Janine together as husband and wife and family, ate dinner with them, went to the Hot Dog Shoppe together with them. And I was a friend of the Lindsey’s before Leon ever knew who the Lindsey’s were and before the Lindsey’s knew who he was. I remember Aderale coming outside with whepps all on his arms because Mr. Frank had whipped his ass the night before. Now none of their other friends could share this story with Aderale and Long and Alice. So Leon, while you were right about me wanting to be down because y’all was the most popular and all the girls liked y’all; you really had no clue why I stayed coming around. And reminiscing back on the times, Leon and I actually became good friends as well and I used to visit him at his dad’s house when he moved back to Ohio from an out of state stint. But on to the subject at hand; Romeo lived in a house, his mom worked at General Motors and his dad and she owned a little soul food restaurant called Rosa and Parks.

Wicky Dejean who I knew through church, when he was sixteen, his father bought him a brand new Buick Riviera. He wore nice clothes and they lived in a nice home. I tried to make friends with him also at one point in time but that didn’t really happen. I just always wanted to be around these type of people. My friends I had grew up with in the projects like Jay Claude, they had went on to sell drugs and were smoking weed, etc. Those weren’t my things. So being around these type of people I guess fueled my drive to have a decent life. I was heavy off into Hip Hop at the time also; BDP, PUBLIC ENEMY, BIG DADDY KANE, ERIC B & RAKIM, BIZ, MARLEY MARL, NWA, STEADY B, MC LYTE, KOOL G. RAP & POLO, SALT & PEPA, QUEEN LATIFAH, SWEET TEE, DOUG E FRESH, JAZ, 3 X DOPE. These were all like my favorite groups at the time and I was dabbling into writing rhymes myself.

By time I got to 12th grade, I made up my mind that I was going to New York to live to get some of the Hip Hop experience and to become a rapper while attending college. As I told before, my guidance-counselor talked me out of that. I went to college on an academic scholarship that he got me. I can thank Romeo for that also because I followed in his footsteps of making the honor roll from like the middle of ninth grade to the end of the eleventh. My senior year, forget about it, my grades dropped but not below a 2.5 average. I went to college and pledged Alpha Phi Alpha following in Romeo’s footsteps once again. He had pledged two years before me at University of Akron.

After my freshman year in college I visited N.Y. and decided from that moment on that I wanted to live in NYC. From my visits there, I discovered that it would be hard to find a woman there (I’d speak to young ladies there and they’d just laugh in my face) so while in college I started searching for my love whom I could take to New York with me when I graduated. I told myself at that time that I wanted a woman who wanted something out of life. My eleventh grade history teacher Mr. Snyder hipped us on to the fact that by the time we grew up, we wouldn’t be able to purchase a house (he was right, at least to date for myself) because they simply would be too damn expensive to afford by time we graduated college. He said we were gonna have to live in apartments or it was gonna take two to live comfortably in a nice house, have a nice car and 2.5 kids.

So in college my search began for my love. All I wanted was O.K. looks and someone willing to work toward a better life which was what I was doing. Here is what I ran into. The only girl I ever really liked in college was Lynette Treason, she was beautiful (still is to this day with husband and children) but she had a boyfriend. I ran into Rebecca, a white girl whom I’d messed with my senior year in high school. She provided me with great sex and finance during my college years. Rebecca, when I think about it, if I loved her, we would have made a great team. She’s a lawyer and I’m an accountant. She’s bringing home 50 to 70K in Ohio, so in New York that would be about 80 to 90K. I’m, of course, an underpaid black man making 36K when I should be making 45 to 50K. But I didn’t love her and I don’t love her so that is that. I ran into Lauren who had three kids, a bangin’ body, and good pussy that I could bust nuts in because she had her tubes tied. These were my two girlfriends for like two or three years.

My mom and grand mom never told me to be prejudice against women with kids, which is why I didn’t run the hell away from Lauren when she told me over the phone that she had three kids when I was – years old and she was –. I had never heard of that before. I grew to like Lauren a lot; it was never really love, it was lust/love. She started attending school while we were going together in an effort to try and better her life, but she couldn’t do it. I was stuck with Lauren thinking how I would be able to move her and her kids to New York with me when I graduated college. I had no answer. We eventually broke up due to other factors, but we ended up messing around off and on until last year. We even discussed marriage, but three kids, a man and a woman in New York City on like 50K wasn’t happening, and other factors also brought the situation to a head.

There was also this other girl I loved at first sight who attended Kent State University named Jackie. I’d see her when I’d be there at Alpha parties. She talked to me shyly and distant every time I seen her. I even got her number and I think talked to her once on the phone, but never nothing else. There was also Mirabelle who I loved at first sight, but she never gave me the time of day because I wasn’t a drug dealer and had no money. I see her from time to time now in Warren. She still looks good to me but she was messing around with my friend Flynn last time I checked.

The summer before my last quarter of college and being broken up with Rebecca and Lauren, I ran into Elizabeth. I liked Elizabeth and spent the whole summer with her. She was depressed from going through a divorce and being a single mom I guess since she had grown up with her mom and dad and brother in a nice home on the outskirts of our little city. We had a pretty boring summer together and our relationship ended in the fall.

I hooked up with Rhonda who was free because her boyfriend was in jail. I really liked Rhonda, but she wasn’t too enthusiastic about us since we both lived with our parents and she couldn’t figure out how we would spend quality time together so I broke it off with her, our little thing. I then got hooked up with Victoria and she was cool in the beginning. She got pregnant after three months of us messing around and during her pregnancy I discovered little personality differences between us so we broke up. I had graduated from college by this time.

Dumb ass me, wait until I graduate from college to get a girl pregnant who was not my wife and who decided on keeping the baby, and I didn’t pressure her about her decision, I just went along with it. We broke up, we got back together, and then we broke up again. If she would have been a little bit more understanding about her social and financial situation, and been willing to move to New York with me, we probably would still be together. She made it clear to me that New York was out of the question, especially with a child. Her social and financial situation was that she didn’t have a college degree, a job or money, but yet she wasn’t trying to make this better by doing a simple thing like taking a little job to make her situation better. Her pride wouldn’t let her take a job other than an office job. And in our town in Ohio, if you were black and knew nobody, even if you had a degree, you wouldn’t obtain an office job. Hell, I couldn’t even get one after I graduated college. But that, in a nut shell sums up us.

After her, I hooked up with Sausha. Sausha was also free because the father of her three children was in jail. She wanted to attend college to make a better life for herself but the obstacles of the kids and not being prepared academically for college kept leaving her short. I liked Sausha because she was easy going. She was in a worse situation than Victoria, but she would take a job from time to time to make her situation a little better, to get her kids some school clothes, etc. I thought about moving Sausha to NYC with me, but the three kids, and her not having any skill to obtain a good paying job, and also her burning desire to get through college held that from happening. We broke up finally last year. She claimed she couldn’t handle the long distance relationship and that she wanted to stay in Warren because it would be easier for her to go to school, etc. I probably would have brought her to NYC if she wouldn’t have decided not to come the last time I asked her.

So really to my luck, I don’t have three of someone else’s kids to worry about feeding, which when I think about it, those were ridiculous ideas, which would have ended in disaster. So through my searches, all I found was women who had kids and women who didn’t want to or couldn’t push to achieve their goals to come along with me to NYC because wasn’t no stopping me getting here. I was comin’ no matter what. So now I’m here, and just like I figured, it is virtually impossible to find a woman here or at least what I am looking for. After those four or five women in my past, I’m looking for a career job woman, with one kid or less, with car, own apartment, good looks, knows how to dress, good sex, and good companionship. I probably won’t find all that, but right now, I ain’t acceptin’ no less. I’ve accepted less all my life as far as the women I’ve been involved with. I got all of the above that I am looking for in a woman and I am lookin’ for someone of equal or better stature.

I’ve met a couple of friends here who I complain to that I ain’t got nobody and they say they can hook me up with some pussy. But see, pussy was my main downfall in the past. I was with Lauren two years steady for pussy. I was with Rebecca three years for some pussy. Don’t get me wrong, while I liked each of these women to some degree other than sex, the bottom line of what they really had to offer me was pussy. I don’t even want to fuck a woman unless she has some of the criteria mentioned up above that I am looking for.

And that is why I’m livin’ like I’m livin’. See cause if I mess with a girl that I really don’t like and we’re fucking and messing around and dating, I’ll start being with her and getting used to her. Like my friend Burton says, you get comfortable with it and stay in the situation blocking yourself from finding what you really want. I’ve done that for seven years of my life. It’s time out for that shit. And I’ve always knew the kind of woman I wanted. I’d see them all the time while I was on frat trips in DC, Atlanta, and even just hanging out in Cleveland. I’d even talk to them. But I’d always use the excuse of a long distance phone bill for not asking for their number. Or they would tell me they weren’t interested or that they had boyfriends. Or even at some points, I’d be so comfortable with Lauren, Rebecca and Sausha that I’d just not talk to them at all, saying to myself, “I’m making my thang work with them so I ain’t gonna bother with this and break they heart.”

My drive to do better and surround myself around those who had more than I had has gotten me everything I wanted: a college education, a new car, nice clothes. It has gotten me everything but a better woman and a house of my own. Well the drive for a better woman is on now. I have a female room-mate who I could probably have sex with and be going out with since she complains that she is so miserable. She is sexy, wears thong underwear, not that cute in the face but that’s o.k. I won’t make an advance or touch her or even think about her like that because she doesn’t have the criteria I’m lookin’ for. This hard bargaining has me womanless and pussyless. But in the end, it’s got to pay off. I’m strivin’ for better. The story of my life. 2019 IT HAS NOT GOTTEN BETTER!

HOW WOULD YOU CHARACTERIZE THE MAIN LIFE EVENTS (PARENTS, MONEY, FRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS, HEROES, IDLES, MENTORS, DREAMS) THAT GOT YOU TO THIS POINT IN YOUR LIFE?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.8.2000

When Janelle was born it was “the most  beautifullest thing in this world” (Keith Murray). “I was there, cut the chord / seventeen hours never bored / cause I knew you was comin for sure.” That is a line to a verse I wrote after she was born. I was there for the whole nine, the progression of the labor pains to birth. Seeing all of that puts in you in a whole nutha state of mind. Like about two hours before she was born, I went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and started crying. I guess I was crying because I was about to be a father, and also because Victoria was going through so much pain. When it was all over, I was filled with love, especially for my baby girl. I had only a little for Victoria. I went and paid like $75 for a bear and some flowers and gave them to Victoria that night. I tried to spend the night at the hospital that night, but at 1 A.M. a nurse came in and told me I had to go.

I went to where I was the night before, over Lauren’s house. Lauren and I hadn’t talked for like a year at this time and like two or three weeks before, I went and knocked on her door, and as always she let me in. Lauren was still involved with Jamelle at the time too. I visited the hospital all three days that Victoria was in there. When she took the baby home, I was over there every day after work. I couldn’t wait to get there and hold my baby in my arms. Victoria told me that her dad didn’t want me coming over his house every day and that we’d have to limit my visits.

One night while over there, I asked her when could I take the baby to my house, and she looked at me like, “never”. I told her that I knew she was not going to have any couth; a word I had picked up from her when talking about everybody being ghetto, about the situation of me taking my daughter out to see my people once she was a couple of weeks old and had been to her first doctor’s visit. She asked me to step outside, and when we got out there I started telling her that she was not gonna be treating me like an irresponsible fuck when it came to our daughter, that I was a grown man taking care of his life responsibilities. I had everything that she one day hoped to have: a college degree, a job and a car of my own. I got in my car and left. She came over to my house and I screamed at her some more telling her the same thing. She left telling me that her father said for me not to come and see the baby anymore. I said fine and I didn’t see her.

I was going to get me a lawyer and get proper visitation. About a month later, Victoria’s friend and my friend’s sister, Analise called and told me to go see my daughter. Now that I think about it, Victoria probably told her to call me. I don’t think Victoria knows how to drop shit or say sorry and let things begin again to take their natural course. So I called Victoria and told her that I wanted to start seeing Janelle again. She said that she’d have to check with her father like it was his baby or something.

I went over there one night after work and seen Janelle. I can’t recall if I talked with Victoria or not. I do know that in my lifetime, I had planned on the mother of my child being my wife. Victoria fit the bill; she was not fat, she could be freaky when in the right place at the right time, and she wanted something out of life, still does. But she still hasn’t yet to this day accomplished anything visible to my eye. The next day that I went to see Janelle I proposed to Victoria that I wanted to be there for her and Janelle, and for us to not be apart. I had told myself that “yeah, Victoria and I have some differences, but they can be worked on or put aside for the moment.” I offered to take her shopping since all while she was pregnant she complained that she had no clothes to wear. She accepted us getting back together, but was skeptical of my reasons. She told me we weren’t gonna have sex. I told this store before, but to sum it up, I didn’t want sex at the time.

We got back together, she moved into her apartment in the Fairview Gardens. I would go over there every night after work and spend the night. I had plans on doing this for one year, and then proposing to marry Victoria. After a month and a half, probably about two or three weeks after her six week check-up, I started getting horny. She wasn’t hearing me, and never talked to me about the situation kind of like she tells me NO now when I want to spend some extra time with my daughter or take my daughter out of town. After about two weeks of no, I told her it was over. That on top of the other problems I had with her about calling everybody ghetto, she wasn’t gonna move to NY with me, and other personality and attitude differences led me to quit. Now that I think about it, she probably didn’t want to get pregnant again, but whatever the reason, she never gave me a reason, so that was that.

We set up a visitation schedule, and I continued to buy all pampers and formula, etc, whatever I thought the baby needed. She went in for child support, which I had no problem with; my mind was prepared for that while she was pregnant. At the little hearing, I opted for a blood test. In their language, they said “you can deny that this is your child and have a blood test done.” I said, “I am not denying that the child is mine, but I would like to have a blood test.” I told Victoria when she was three months pregnant that I was getting a blood test done one way of the other. Too many fathers found out they weren’t really fathers too late after the fact, and in some states you can’t even back out after you find out; you still have to take care of the child through child support.

I didn’t have any doubt that she was mine, but just in case Victoria was pulling the wool over my eyes; if I was to be paying $300 plus for the next 18 years, best believe I ain’t paying on faith and word of mouth alone, and neither should you. So when court was over she stormed out saying I denied the baby. I told her father that I would still like to see my child because we had a little meeting a couple nights before about visitation because Victoria was complaining that she didn’t want Janelle over my house because my mom smoked up the house pretty bad with cigarette smoke. I assured her that my mom would smoke in her room with the door closed, as opposed to previously when Victoria would visit, the door was cracked open and smoke would seep all through the house. And when I didn’t have company, my mom would smoke in the living room, and to walk through, you would smell like smoke; therefore, every time I visited Victoria, I would smell like smoke. Her father said, it was up to her, and she said, “you denied her, you don’t see her.”

Once we went back to court like three months later, she let me pick my daughter up and bring her to my house but she wouldn’t let her spend the night. After like nine month of that and her fucking me out of visits from time to time; like when they weren’t sending her the child support money, she said I couldn’t see her. When she found out I had a girlfriend who lived in a housing project; she said I couldn’t see her. I got me a lawyer, who fucked me also by not acknowledging that he had received my payment until three months after the fact and a grievance letter. After that he filed the case and I got overnight visitation every other weekend and four hours after work one day a week.

After one year of that and my daughter knowing me very well, I decided to move to New York. Victoria had told me on the phone the night before Janelle was born that she would not let me bring my daughter to stay with me for more than two weeks during the summer. I had other visitation in mind like two weeks every other month until Janelle went to elementary school.

When I moved I paid the same law office, different lawyer though, that fucked me before. I sent $500 to his office with a letter of instruction to file for out of state visitation. He never acknowledged getting the money. Me thinking I’m trying to be a good paying customer to this law office, and them taking my money and never filing my case. About nine months after no response from the law office, and repeated visits by my mom to the office, I was in town on a Friday and went to the office demanding my money back. They told me they had no receipt of it, and that if I would produce a copy of the money order, they would refund my money. They must thought a nigga was stupid and irresponsible to lose or throw away my receipt. But I had my receipt and got a copy, and about two weeks later my mom went down there and got my money. I had also tried to talk with Victoria that weekend about me bringing Janelle to New York with me for two weeks every other month. She said no, that I could continue driving there every other weekend, six hours to see her, or once a month to cut down on my driving. I said fuck it, I won’t see Janelle no more, won’t bring you any more money, and won’t bother you, and you don’t bother me. She said, “fine,” that her daddy will take care of Janelle. She even told her friend Analise that I was not going to be taking care of Janelle anymore.

After about two weeks, I found another lawyer to file the case for me. After five months, we were downtown in the little room again. She filed for back child support of $3,000. The Magistrate kept visitation the same, which means I have to drive there once or twice a month to see Janelle. He appointed a Guardian Ad Litem to investigate me to see if I was fit to have Janelle out of state with me, and that could take 3 to 6 months for him to complete his report or rather, get started. It doesn’t take six months to talk with me and make a determination if I’m fit to take care of my daughter for two weeks while she is with me.

Victoria says she doesn’t want my mother watching Janelle because “she couldn’t take care of her own, so what makes you think she can take care of mine.” When my little brother Peter was born, due to medication that my mom was taking while carrying him, he was born with no collar bone, a huge soft spot on his head, and heart and breathing problems. He was on a heart monitor that beeped often. She wasn’t able to handle him in his condition because she had a nervous condition, which I believe was mis-diagnosed, and she actually has Asperger’s Syndrome. She gave him up for adoption. We got back in contact with him through the will of god I guess, and we have seen him and been his second family all his life. Victoria passed judgement on my mother because she knew my brother was given up for adoption, but I don’t think she knows all the detail behind it. My brother came close to dying a couple of times because of his condition when he was little.

I don’t think Victoria could handle that situation herself. I heard she had a nervous breakdown when she lost a child that she was pregnant with and when wedding plans fell through the floor. Janelle would not have been given up for adoption because her sister and father and other family would have prevented that. My family, as I just found out; the reason for none of my mother’s five sister’s adopting my brother was because the whole family from my grandmother’s mother to my grandmother’s sister, to my aunts had a hand in raising me. They said they wouldn’t do it again. My mom had an accident that prevented her from taking care of me until I was five years old. Maybe that’s why I’m such a beautiful child and successful in most people’s eyes, especially my family’s eyes. They say the more love you get from family and others, the better your life and you as person will be. But in my eyes, I got a long way to go on the successful part. I’ve for some time now had confidence in my beauty.

I’d tell Victoria that sometimes. I kind of adopted the “I’m beautiful” attitude when girls started going crazy over Tupac, Mase and Puff Daddy. These successful rappers were average looking guys in my eyes, but yet women swore they were so cute and fine. So I said to myself, “if Puff Daddy is cute, fuck it, I’m cute too.” Now I can see why women just love some celebrities like Tyson Beckford. Now I’m completely in tune with my sexuality, so I’m not feeling funny or shame about saying this. Tyson is cool. Like Eddie Murphy said to Halle Berry in the movie Boomerang. He said, “Billy Dee Williams in Lady Sings The Blues, I thought he was cool, but I didn’t want to get witt him.” But women say some celebrities are fine when they look no better or worse than me; puts me in the frame of mind to think I must be the bomb and if I was a star they would be crazy over me too. Maybe one day.

I’ve had a few girls crazy for me in my lifetime; maybe Victoria was too, but never really showed it. Some say that is why she gives me all this shit about spending time with my daughter. Whatever the reason, I don’t care. I’ll have nice happy times with my daughter one day. If I never do, no one can say I never tried to spend good quality time with her. Maybe Victoria thinks I am arrogant because of my confidence in myself, and the statement I made to her about her wanting in life what I have now. It’s true, I feel good about myself, but do I think I am better than anybody else? NO! I am the most down to earth brother my friends and she will probably ever know. I don’t speak bad or shun others for not having what I have, or not accomplishing in life what I have so far.

I’ve heard Victoria speak bad about many people because they didn’t act the way she acted or lived and grew up in her nice little semi-mixed neighborhood. To this date, all the white people are moving off her street and the houses are being rented to blacks, but yet her family still remains. She walks around with her head up looking down on others like she has the world in her hands, but she ain’t got shit. I heard she and her sister used to talk about my girlfriend; they even work at the same place now. But I guess Victoria’s sister is better somehow. I can’t understand that.

I grew up in the ghettos of Warren, Ohio. I can from where most people in the town came from, so I can’t talk about their upbringing or the way they act or act like I’m better than them. But if you try to disrespect my character like I felt Victoria was when telling me what was gonna be what with our daughter, I had to let her know that what I’ve done in my lifetime, and the responsibilities I’ve accepted as a man to be a father to his child, deserves more respect that what she was trying to give me. To this day she still has the same attitude, but it will all blow over. She knows I’m right, and I know I’m right. If she wants to continue treating me wrong in this situation, that’s her lif; maybe one reason why she is still trying to accomplish the same thing she was when I met her four years ago; to graduate from a college or school with some kind of degree. It doesn’t pay to do wrong. One day she’ll figure that out. Until then, as I’ve always said to her, “I’ll always be beautiful”

Jrnl Entry No. 8.4.2000

I don’t know where was the last place I left off about my life. Today is the day before my –birthday. I’ve been here in New York for a year. I still haven’t gotten any pussy in this town yet. And I’m not only out for just pussy. I’m actually looking for a long lasting relationship to grow into marriage, but the girls who I like and talk to are either from out of town, have a boyfriend (so they say), or both. I guess I don’t like New York girls because every time someone catches my eye that I actually go and approach and talk to, they are from Jersey or somewhere else, never New York. Most New York women wear weave and make-up, and those are just two things that I can’t have in a woman to be mine.

I’ve made a few steps in advancing my production career. I’ve given my tape to many rappers: Rampage of the Flip Mode Squad; Lord Have Mercy formally of the Flip Mode Squad: Raekwan of the Wu-Tang Clan. I gave a tape to Special K of the productions team “Teddy Ted and Special K”; Black Rob’s brother who is also his manager and an MC down with Black Rob who goes by the name of Poo Cabroxi. I gave a tape to this girl I planned on dating but she worked too much and at bad hours. Her MC name is MINK. She called me and said that she wanted to put out her own CD and wanted to use some of my beats. She came over and got another snippet tape of my newest, latest. I told her I wouldn’t charge her in exchange for her letting me get a track on a majorly distributed album if she gets a deal like that, or just hook me up with industry connects that will help me get production deals. Poo Cabroxi called me and said that he has a meeting with Puff Daddy, and wants to hear some of my beats. I’m going to tell him the same thing as far as charge go. I am not in this to make money off of demos. I want to make major doe, so if an MC doesn’t have a major or even minor distribution deal, I don’t want nothing but the connections of contact for future projects.

I’ve decided it’s time to cut Ohio loose and live here in New York for real. Over the past year I have been home at least once a month to see my daughter, Sausha, Lauren or Rebecca. I’m not at all attracted to Rebecca so she is the first to be gone off of my list of people not to see anymore. I let her come to visit me twice. She looks disgusting in clothing, like she is still pregnant, and that combined with our complicated past just turns me completely off. She is just lazy or works too much. She eats healthy, but she doesn’t exercise often enough to get rid of that stomach. I guess she figures as long as she can suck a good dick, especially mine, and keep her kidz father, Thomas, happy, even though she claims she can’t stand him; she figures she doesn’t need to work out. I made the mistake of coming in her the last time she was here. She has gotten pregnant three times since we have started seeing each other a year ago, but she took some pills called Cytotec, which is for ulcers and cause pregnant women to have miscarriages. She claims she is getting attached to me even though she knows we can never be nothing again, so I hope she doesn’t get pregnant and try to keep it and me in her life. She has two kidz and she says she wants a third, but not right now, and not by Thomas; which he can’t have anymore because he is fixed. I’m gonna wait till she has her period and tell her that I do not want to see her anymore.

Sausha, every time I left from seeing her, she made up her mind not to talk to me anymore, and she told me that when she moved into her new house, she wasn’t giving me the phone number or the address. I decided that I could live without her too so I was going to be done with her.

I then went on a quest to try and get Lauren to move in with me in New York. She wanted to get married. I said that I would marry her, believing that I could be happy with her. I even bought her a little engagement ring. She wanted to have a wedding which I did not in the first place, and plus we couldn’t afford it. At the same time my cousin was having trouble with his wife and she was putting him out of the house. They never lived together before they got married or even had a long relationship. This scared me, and I told Lauren that we should try living together before we get married because it’s a whole different life, especially in New York.

She was so dead set on getting married. We argued back and forth. I gave in, and two weeks later, I changed my mind again because marriage and kidz are not beneficial to a man in marriage when a divorce happens, and I explained to her that I was looking at the overall picture of happiness and sadness. In sad times, especially if a divorce occurs, a man loses. I told her that I was still willing to marry her if she was that dead set on it. After her hearing my discussion and reading a few letters I had written her, she decided to scrap the marriage idea and sign up for the army. And she said there was no changing her mind. She said I had changed my mind enough and this was it. Our discussions got heated, and no compromise was being made on her part. I said forget it too, and asked Sausha to move with me because we had discussed it before.

Sausha said that my asking was a sudden change of heart, and that she had plans on moving into her house, work and go to school. She had forgotten about the idea of moving with me, but she would think about it, and she wanted me to really think about it also. When I first moved I told her to come with me but she didn’t want to. Then, she thought about it and we had a trial week the week of Thanksgiving 1999 with two of her kidz. I didn’t like it, and neither did she. We broke up after that and I didn’t talk to her for two or three months. We eventually ended up back talking, but there was no mention of her moving with me. This was when she made her other plans to try and get rid of me, but she couldn’t.

At the time after I was fed up with Lauren, and I asked Sausha to move in with me, Sausha told me one day on the phone that she wasn’t moving with me. She called me collect on the phone one Saturday night but wasn’t home for me to call her back. I called her house for three days after that and she wasn’t answering her phone and she didn’t call me anymore. It was at this point that I said, “fuck both of them and their three kidz.” I didn’t call anyone. I made up my mind to just chill, and if a woman came along, fine, if not, fine too.

Two weeks had gone past and Lauren wrote me a letter that I received on a Friday saying that she needed me and wanted to see me. I called her and told her to leave her house since she had gotten rid of her kidz thinking that I would get the letter sooner and she would be leaving work that Friday. She said she would come Saturday and take off work Monday, and I said I would take off also.

She came and we had our usual good sex, and we went out and did little shit like go to the bookstore and read. We talked of how would we all fit into the apartment of mine. But she still said that she was going to the military. I told her if she goes to the military that is it for us. First off, it makes no sense for a — year old mother of three to go to the military. She said she feels she has to go to accomplish something in her life and the military would help her do that. We stopped talking about it. She went home and wrote me a little letter with a $25 check in it to make up for the $50 I spent on an amusement park trip that I had forgotten about when she called, and I couldn’t go to because she was there in New York with me.

Sausha called me Saturday collect while Lauren was there and I accepted and talked to her for a few minutes. She gave me her number but said she wasn’t sure if it was the right one, which I could understand because she has no reason to call her own house and maybe she just didn’t have it memorized at the time. I told her that I would call her later. I was going to call that Monday after Lauren left. Sausha called again that Saturday night and I didn’t accept the call because I figured I had the number to call her back, but it was the wrong number. She hasn’t called again.

I think Lauren is still going to the military, but she just wanted to smooth things over with me before she left. Because before she wrote that letter and came to see me, I had no plans of ever talking to her again and she knew that. Maybe she wants to keep a little tab on me so maybe we can get together after she is finished with the military. Well I’m not stressing her anymore. She can do whatever she wants. If I am available when she gets out of the military, I probably will be with her. But a fine handsome young man like myself, I doubt if I will be available after a few months or a few years. This bad luck with women in New York has got to stop soon, and if it doesn’t, I’ll be content focusing on my music. I’m not sweating women no more. I’m very relaxed with the issue at this point in time.

Sausha and Lauren. You may say I don’t love neither one of them, I’m just using thing as a crutch until I find someone I really want. Truth is, that may be true to some degree. I love them both, but they have no careers or solid ways to help me take care of their children. And that is the only thing that stops me when thinking of being with them. I’ve been able to get along really well with both of them. Lauren has the better body and better sex, which is why I made the choice to leave Sausha alone and try to be with her.

One thing that they both do that turns me on and every man probably loves this; they both wear thong underwear for me. I think I have a fetish for thong underwear. When I see a girl wearing tight jeans or tight hip hugger leggings; if she doesn’t have on a thong with them, she can forget about me approaching her. Sausha didn’t wear them until I started getting on her about wearing cotton little girl panties. Lauren didn’t wear them neither at first. I had to coach both of them into wearing them. These two women will do what makes me happy, and I like to keep them happy, and that is the main ingredient with both of them, and that is why I love them. And I am at the point now where I don’t want to coach anybody else on what makes me happy because it is really hard work. And that is probably why I will go back to either Sausha or Lauren if they come back to me. Now I talk to women that I know I am attracted to on sight. I am very picky at this point when it comes to talking to a new girl that I have to approach, and maybe that is why I haven’t found anyone. But in any case, like I said, I’m chilling.

I haven’t seen my daughter Janelle in like three or four months. Her mom wouldn’t agree to let me keep her in New York every other month for two weeks instead of me driving to Ohio once or twice a month to spend a weekend with her. That didn’t seem fair to me, so I said I would not be taking care of Janelle no more since she wants to put all these restrictions on me when it comes to spending time with her. She said fine, and even told her friends that I would not be in my daughter’s life anymore. I got me another lawyer and we set a court date for July 6, 2000. Victoria has the date pushed back to Sept 1, 2000. I hear she is also moving down south to Atlanta. We are going to have to work out a serious joint custody program if she moves down south. I have no plans on not seeing my daughter as much as possible before she starts all day school.

Maybe Victoria feels threatened that Janelle will love me more or hold me in a higher light than she. Victoria has been selfish with Janelle every since she was born. I may be selfish and stubborn, but I would never be selfish and stubborn with a child, especially to the other parent if I had custody. It will be alright though. I know I will have a relationship with my daughter one day, sooner or later no matter what her mother does to try and stop it. I’ve tried to be cordial with Victoria and her family, but I’m through with being nice. I am not speaking to any of them again. And if they have the nerve to ask why, I’ll tell them. All I ever asked of Victoria was to let me spend time with my daughter. I’ve never given her any trouble about money for Janelle. I never complained about child support. I never bothered Victoria about who she seen as a boyfriend. I haven’t bothered her about anything except spending time with my daughter. I guess I’m wrong for that. She may be trying to punish me for past thing in our relationship, but that is childish, and hopefully she will realize that, and realize that my daughter needs me in her life, what little I can be in it, and I also need my daughter in my life. The past is the past, there is nothing between us but a child who needs both of us, so let it be.

This year, I’m focusing on my job, my music, and my total life in New York. I’m not running home to see any women, I’m not asking any women from Warren to come and live with me. I’m just chilling. Hopefully things go smooth with my visitation case, and my daughter will be a bigger part in my life. At age –, this is what I’ve grown to. My last year, 1999, in New York was half a waste for what time I did spend here.

Jrnl Entry No. 9.13.2000 “MY HIP HOP STORY” PART I

It all started as a bud when my cousin Samuel met his first cousin on his dad’s side by the name of Clay. Clay had DJ equipment and was for the most part he just messed around in his room. This was like back in 1984/1985. Clay could scratch and transformer scratch, actually the first person I ever saw do it. We’d go over Clay’s house on the weekends and hang with him and his cousin Ricky. Clay had many records and at that time, it seemed like all the records he had were on the Tommy Boy label. Def Jam had a few bullshit records like the one’s by Jazzy Jay whoever the hell he was. I remember this one particular record on Def Jam. It was either Russel Simmons or Jazzy Jay, they may have been the same person who knows. But he was just talking shit on the record over a beat.

We hung together all summer long, Clay, Ricky, Samuel and I. Our main mission was to get some pussy. Clay was a virgin, I was a virgin, and Ricky was a virgin. Samuel was about the only one who had pussy on his dick because he was the oldest. We hung out over by Delaware and Jackson Street which was where Samuel’s father lived at the time. We hung out in the Palmyra Heights, which was where Clay lived. That summer, I met Tina, Sandra, Sydonia, Lavonia, Pam, Reena, Marlette, Wendy and the three girls who had the white Honda Spree Scooters. They were like the only people in the whole entire town with Scooters period.

Occasionally, our little gang would go swimming at Packard Park. It was then that I met Carla and her sister whose name, I forget her name, and I also met Shay who I instantly feel in love with. Shay was the most beautifullest thing. She was mixed, and in 1985, you know most niggaz was brainwashed to think that the lighter the skin and the thinner the hair, the better the person. Don’t get me wrong, even though she is a lot heavier now, Shay is still beautiful. Those days at the local pool were the good old dayz. Many Black people at the pool chillin; teenagers dunkin’ each other and shit like that; feelin’ the girls up under the water.

As summer passed, we were all still virgins. Clay’s Djing interest eventually had all of us interested in Djing and learning how to scratch. Samuel’s mom had bought him two turntables, a mixer, and a microphone, and he started buying 12 inches and albums with his extra money. I dabbled a little with the scratching. I could catch the record on beat and do a little scratch routine and then let it go. I remember my first record experimenting with scratching was Sugar Hill Gang “8th Wonder”. I used to go over Samuel’s house with like really cheap 90 minute tapes, like 3 for $1.99 from Woolworth is where I used to get them. I would record albums, and most albums would fit on one side of a 90 minute tape, so I’d put two albums on one tape. Let’s see, I had albums by UTFO, Boogie Boys, Skinny Boys, Fat Boys, Dougie Fresh and the Get Fresh Crew. I remember Samuel coming over to my house bragging about how dope the first Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince album was. He was telling me about how Ready Rock C could beat box so well, etc. He was right, I taped the album and it was the bomb, especially the beat box song that started like “When we rock the house there is no doubt / that me and Ready C will turn it out.” That was the shit!

I also would record many twelve inch singles at the end of the albums when there was room left on the tape. Shit like “We’re Only Buggin”, “Listen Up”, Dana Dane’s “Nightmares” and “Delancey Street”, Sweet Tee’s many twelve inch singles she had out before she put them all on one album like four years later. This was also when I recognized the name, Produced by Herby “Luv Bug” Azor as the guy making the, always funky, beats for Salt & Pepa, Dana Dane and Sweet Tee. I still have these tapes to this day.

During the course of time, the idea had come about to throw parties in Clay’s basement. Samuel and them came up with a name for themselves and got some sweatshirts made with an airbrush design, and the parties began at $.50 a head, and $.25 for soda. At the end of each party they would count up the money and split it like five ways between Samuel, Clay and Ricky, Samuel’s sister Shaneequa and Clay’s sister Shaniece. The parties got to be well known too. Every weekend they were packed. Samuel, Clay and Ricky were the DJ’s. This was around the time when LL COOL J ‘s “Radio” single dropped, and “Rock The Bell” was the shit. Ready For The World was the group to slow dance to the song “Let Me Love You Down”. I was always like the youngest one at these parties. I remember I would always slow dance with this one girl because we were like the only two left not dancing. I liked Sandra but she was going with this older guy Tim and he always had her on the floor or grinding and kissing on her on the basement wall. The parties were going well until the Beta Boys started fucking it up and fighting. The Beta Boys, well the only one I really remember was William and his brother Lester. It was about five or six of them total. One night they tore up the wall paneling of the basement. From that weekend on, there were no more parties thrown.

We’d (Shaniece, Samuel and Shaneequa, Clay and me and Ricky and Ricky’s sister) all go to concerts together. The first concerts being the ones at The Star Palace in Youngstown, OH. We seen Salt & Pepa, Heavy D & The Boyz, The Fat Boys, and Salt & Pepa, and Heavy D &The Boyz again. I wonder if Heavy D or Salt & Pepa remember The Star Palace.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.26.2000

O.K. So I went to warren. I said that I would not bother Sausha because it would lead her on. I couldn’t resist though. I wanted to see her. I do still care for her, but at this point and time in my life, she is like a burden to be in a relationship with. Maybe we’ll just be close friends. I didn’t care if we made love or not, but you know once you get there and you’re alone, why not try.

So I got there Friday and went to her house. We sat on the couch and talked and I could tell she was trying to stay as distant away from me as she possibly could. I stayed away for a little while also. After about two hours I started trying to touch her. She resisted and she kept on resisting, and it seemed like she was getting mad so I stopped at about 4 A.M. and went home.

I’m not confused about what I want. The problem is that what I want is like in four different girls: Sausha has the niceness that I like and good smooth runnin attitude. Lauren has the nice round ass and good pussy that I want. Rhonda has the beauty and style that I want. Rebecca has the freakiness that I want.

I was supposed to go and see Sausha on Saturday but she wasn’t home or wasn’t answering her phone. I called and went over there Sunday. I was at it again tryin’ to make love to her, but she was still resisting me. After about two hours I put my head in between her legs while she still had her jeans on. She was still resisting but not as hard as before. After about 15 mins of her resisting I got her pants down enough to just run my tongue across her clitoris. She was getting into it, but still tried resisting a little. She gave in and let me take her pants off.

I was eating that sweet pussy so nicely. I hadn’t eaten pussy in about three months. I stopped eating and gave her the dick. She was loving it and loving me so much that she started crying and she told me to stop. I stopped. I started kissing on her breast and her body after a couple of minutes, and then I went down for some more dinner. I ate until she burst into a shaking coming frenzy. I gave her the dick again, and she was totally into it by then and we made love. It felt so good to me.

I started realizing how much I miss her and love her. Yes I love her but I can’t take care of her and her three kidz even with her on the help out, especially in New York. I can’t live in Ohio again for no reason except maybe to look after my mom if she gets deadly ill. I don’t know, maybe I’ll keep a distant relationship with her until she gets her life together when she can really help the relationship without all the worry about her life situation; that could take five years.

I’ve been searching for a woman in New York, but haven’t had any luck on finding a real woman to talk to. Latonia seems like a real woman but I don’t know yet. I’m broke, I don’t have a woman, I can’t go anywhere and do nothing. I go home from work, sit there and nod off to sleep or watch T.V. I haven’t been inspired in the last two weeks to do a track. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but spending money. My dreams are far from materializing.

I need some advice about what to do about Sausha. I need some advice about my passion to become a producer. I don’t see anywhere in the near future a big raise in pay to help me out the situation I’m in now. I have a $5,800 credit card bill which will never get paid off. When I pay my car off, I can start paying off the credit card bill, and then I can start saving up for a house. Hopefully by that time I’ll have a real woman who can help me with all this shit because alone I’m fucked. I’m not making it so well out here, I’m just driving myself deeper and deeper into debt.

My music is the only thing that will help me, and that ain’t promised. I guess I’m gonna be fucked for life. I want to get my balls clipped with my income tax money. I need to pay the crew back for studio expense with my income tax money. I need to pay some money on my credit card bill with my income tax money. My income tax money is not gonna stretch and do all of that. Hell, I may have to end up paying taxes. Taxes are a bitch, just take all your money. It’s a god damn shame.

Jrnl Entry No. 11.5.1999

So I work at The Gap on 34th St. Harold Square right. NYC. Started on Sat Oct 30, 1999. I’m telling you seriously there are mad bitches there. My first day I was dizzy at the end of the day from trying to get a view of every ass that passed me by. And not only are there mad bitches who work there, but there are mad bitches who come through to shop. And there are a variety of bitches: Latino, Rican, West Indian, Jamaican, European, British, Londonish, Bronxish, Queenish, Harlemish, Spanish. They are in all different shapes, shades and sizes, speaking different languages. I tell you, it was crazy.

I said to myself that I wish I knew every language that the people spoke who came through that store. I seen so much ass on the one day switching by me that I had to go home and jack off that night. But after working there for a week, I’ve calmed down now and am back to normal. There are about four bitches there that I would just love to be fucking. Lets see, there is Massiel: she is like Latino or something to that effect with very light skin. She is nice and thick with hips, thighs, and a nice spread out ass in the back, and a nice amount of thick tidys in the front to go with everything else. She is 18 years old, a sweet little thing.

Most of the bitches who work there are like 18, 19, 20. No one knows me and I look young as hell anyway so everyone says, so I tell all the girls that I am 21. I’ve pretty muc h gotten all of the names from the bitches that I would love to fuck the shit out of with my long dick. There is this one Rican chick. She is lovely and so cute, short, with a nice big little ass. When I first saw her I was like “she is beautiful.” I asked her name one day when she and a couple of her friends were going on lunch break the same time I was and we were all headed to the mall across the street. She told me her name, gave me a little fake smile and kept walking not paying me any attention. I went about my way. I look at her every time I pass her and she gives me no eye contact. I haven’t spoken to her again since that day going to the mall and she hasn’t spoken to me, so I’m like fuck the little bitch. I forgot her name anyway, some weird shit that started with a “U”. While I’m like fuck her, she probably wants to suck all the blood out of my dick. That is the way these bitches work around here. They want you to beg them for attention, but I ain’t witt all that bullshit. If you like me you better give me some eye contact and let me know.

There is this other bitch also. Now I haven’t gotten around to asking her name yet, but I started just speaking to her once a day on the walk by, and she speaks back so that is a start. She is tall and slim but her ass is in proportion with her body and it looks nice. She is fly to me. On the first day I saw her she was wearing this Gap Blue-Jean- skirt knee length, with some black boots knee length, and a nice top. When you look at her, you may be tempted to say that she is ugly, I may even be tempted to say right now that she is ugly, but there is just something that I like about her. For one, when she walks, she always keeps her head up and she has this little bounce like she is walking on a runway for models. She doesn’t wear make-up or maybe just not to work. I am a sucker for a natural face and natural hair, which she also has. Her face is skinny, which is probably the reason to say that she is ugly. She dresses kind of simple in jeans and boots and tops, which, I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but “that is all you need to wear.” So her sexy walk combined with the simple fly way that she dresses has got me looking at her every time I pass her. The other day, just as I reached down stairs on the escalator, she put her hand on her ass and like rubbed down the crack, and I was like woah, it was just some sexy shit that bitches do but don’t even know that they are doing it.

Lets see, who else is there. Oh, this white, or I guess she is white, she look white. I got her name two days ago, and I just forgot as I wrote those works there before the comma. But anyway, this short bitch has a nice big ole ass and no stomach to go with it like most who have an ass like hers. We were in the lunch-room together and I sat at her table and she was talking to some other people and I jumped into the conversation. I noticed her ass the first day I started working there. She seemed pretty cool and I had thoughts that maybe there was a chance to get on, and then it came out through a conversation she was having with this guy at the table about cooking . He was telling another girl what he had cooked the night before, and the girl with the big ass was like “you didn’t cook that.” So he says “I can cook, invite me over to your house and I’ll cook you dinner.” She says “yeah, I’ll invite you over, but you’ll have to cook for five.” I’m thinking like “what, she lives with her mom and dad and brother or sister, and he would have to cook for all of them.” So I says “why would he have to cook for five?” She says, “for me, my three kidz and for himself.” So goes my thoughts of fucking all that ass from the back doggie style.

I’m not fucking with another bitch who has three kidz. I told myself this when I Stopped messing with Lauren. Sausha ass came along and fooled my ass. I thought she had two, but then she springs on me that she was pregnant when we met, and she had another little boy. I probably would have still talked to her at the time because I was pussyless when she came along. I have a thing about kidz. If a woman has more than one kid and she is single, she doesn’t need to be bullshitted, fucked and just left alone. I don’t like to do that type of shit to no one, but especially to a woman with kidz. The woman probably just wants a piece of dick anyway too, but some reason, I just don’t believe in casual relationships. Kidz are a big responsibility that I can handle and will handle in the case of Sausha. But on second thought, I’d rather not do it because it’s going to get expensive in the future. But my reasoning is that someone got to take of them in the future or they will be fucked up kidz makin’ the world more fucked up than it already is. We got to take care of our own, even if they are not our own. With Sausha, it was a horny thing, but also, she is the type of girl that I want in my life: natural, fine little body, well-manored, soft spoken, wants to do better, and willing to please, and doesn’t ask for much. I mean she wasn’t just an easy piece of pussy that had no other qualities I liked. But if there is a next time around, no kidz, or one kid no matter how horny I am, and how much they are giving me clues that the pussy is mine.

And I just didn’t expect  that white bitch to have any kidz. Our minds are programmed to think that white bitches don’t have all them babies without a ring on their finger. Maybe she was married, I don’t know. I think all bitches are stupid for that shit. Like Chris Rock said “yeah, you can raise a child on your own, it can be done, but its not a good fuckin idea. I mean you can jump out of a moving car going 50 miles and hour, it can be done, but its not a good fuckin’ idea.” Rather its one kid or three, it shouldn’t be without marriage. If the marriage breaks up cool, at least you can say you tried to do the right thing and it just didn’t work out. And if you were married, it’s all legal. After the divorce, you got child support and alimony coming. And most likely, if a man had a child with you in a loving marriage he is going to want to be bothered with his children; therefore, the child still has its father in its life.

And bitches try to justify it when they have a couple of kidz saying “they all have the same father.” That is a plus in its own right, but if the mutha fucka ain’t there and he ain’t takin care of his kidz neither, you look stupid. And the bitches with one kid think they are just so much better than the ones with two or three or four, like Rhonda for example. This bitch thinks that she has only one kid who is like seven or eight so HORRAY! HORRAY! She keeps herself fly and drives a dependable car, nothing worth mentioning though. She doesn’t have a college degree but works at one place makin’ nine dollars an hour, and works at Marshalls as a second job. And plus she still lives at home with her mom because she can’t afford her own apartment. She thinks she better than Sausha because she doesn’t live in the projects, she has her own car, only one kid and she dresses and looks better. I say no! She is on the same level with Sausha because like Sausha, she doesn’t have a career job; like Sausha, the father of her child doesn’t take care of it because he is not with her. Sausha lives on her own in the projects, but it ain’t no easy task. Rhonda lives with her mom, which allows her the luxury to buy a car and nice clothes to look nice. Move out of your momma’s house and lets see what car you drive and what clothes you wear.

I’m out on my own now, and can’t afford to buy nothing. So in my eyes, they both just as stupid for having a kid by a mutha fucka not knowing if he was going to be there to take care of the child. If you ain’t locked in by legal marriage, you are stupid for having a child plain and simple. You look dumb to me. Its just an opinion of mine though. Like my man Donald said one day, “that’s just your opinion, what about the other thousands.”

And there are a couple other bitches that I would like to fuck but I’ll skip the details. I like having this second job because it’s fun. I get to talk to people and fuck with customers and shit. Its all good and that money comes in hand.

Jrnl Entry No. 9.10.1999

Well another Friday here and another weekend that I’ll be returning home to Warren, Ohio.

I went to the Lincoln Center last night to be around the Mtv Music Awards hype. People were all out on the block hanging out to get hand outs from record companies and whoever else. If you didn’t purchase a ticket to be on the bleachers where you could see the celebrities as they exited their limos, you could not see anything. I guess some people drove by the block and showed their faces through their limo window. If you think about it, its kind of silly. What and the hell do I need to view a star for. It’s childish to me, but people really go and stand out there in hopes of viewing a celebrity.

I went out there to see if I could meet a girl and just to look at the people standing around, just to view the scene and have something to do. One thing you learn about standing out there is about people and how much they want to know. I mean they jump at anything being handed out. It’s almost like they fiend for a handout. People were handing out things that looked like a little credit card carrier, and it turned out to be just a subway map that folds into a card board cover with HBO printed on the outside. I also went out there to see if by chance I would run into or speak to someone about my production career, but I saw no one.

I did do one thing I set out to do and that was talk to someone. Her name was Marlo. She was handing out post cards advertising T-Boz’s book of poems. She was probably late 20s or early 30s. I asked her age, but she said that silly shit older women think is cute I guess “its rude to ask a woman her age.” She was talking back to me but she didn’t really seem interested in talking. I got that she had her own advertising firm; she was from L.A. She has been in NY for a year or has been running her firm for a year, one of the two. She had a nice ass bustin’ out of a mid thigh mini skirt, black in color. I let her go about her way to my regret. I was looking for her to ask if I could get to know her better, but she was gone in the wind. She was my type of woman with natural hair, not much make-up or none at all, and like I said before, a monster ass. So I let the thought of her go.

Before Marlo, before I even reached the spot, two stops in a row on the train came two women I considered beautiful. The first one was shorter than me, and she had natural hair, kind of long, which was twisted up into some style that I liked. She had beautiful natural skin, like a smooth dark caramel. She had on a loose outfit so I couldn’t see the ass or anything like that. She just caught my eye with her face really. I’m sure the rest was there underneath those clothes. Then the next stop walked in another girl I thought was beautiful. She was tall, kind of thick with just the right amount of ass and tidies. She was also wearing her natural hair in a ponytail. She had a smoother, a little lighter caramel skin than the other girl. She was wearing a pair of semi-tight jeans, not too tight, not too loose, and she had on a tight fitting tank like top. So I’m just sitting there with a little smirk on my face and I say to myself “what is this my lucky day?” I don’t think that a crowded train is a great place to be trying to spark a (can I get your number) conversation. I said to myself, “self, if they get off at my stop then I will approach the tall one.” When my stop came I didn’t see either one of them start to move so that was that.

I gets off at Lincoln Center and the first thing I am handed when I come from underground is two calendars: The Hip Hop Calendar of 1999, both men and women versions. Funny because just last week I was reading about the women’s one in a Big Lez article. I ain’t gonna even mention the other people in it because Big Lez who is on December with Christmas Lingerie on takes the whole calendar. Her body looked so smooth. She is so thick. From looking at that picture, I would like to see her in person. From reading her article I found out that she is a little shorter than I thought. But besides her body, Big Lez doesn’t really do anything for me like Elise Neal, Suzanne Douglass, Nia Long; these women in my eyes are love, Lez is just a sexual fantasy, which could turn into love with time maybe or maybe not.

When I got home from work yesterday, there was a letter from Sausha in the mail box talking about our break up because she wants to be going out with her “so called” friend Teau. She called him late on a Sunday night and they went out riding or where ever. Then when I found out about that I got mad, she calls herself mad even after I tried to say forget about it, and she goes out with him again after I called and asked her out and she told me no. So this feels final to me because I have no urge to call her. Her and this guy have been in a little relationship before having sex and what not. But she says it didn’t feel right so they stopped. Yeah, it didn’t feel right after numerous times, going to hotels and shit like that. See, when she first told me this I thought that they had sex once and decided not to do it again because they felt they were too good of friends. But she was telling me one day how they used to go to hotels. I felt a little funny then about their on going friendship while she was supposed to be my girlfriend but I let it slide and said fuck it. But now I’m out of town and she’s going out with this cat, and she has been starting to look sexier and sexier to me so I know how she looks to him. And plus she knows that he wants to have sexual relations or have her as his anyway.

She want me to accept her going out “just a friend” with a guy who is hot for her. DO I LOOK LIKE BIZ MARKIE? I don’t think so. So in my mind, even though, I will not tell her this; in my mind, it’s him or me. Just like when Victoria and her – not have sex with me – decision; it was either no sex or me. She chose no sex. I just express my unhappiness with the situation, and if you are gonna just keep on fighting for your stance, I’m out, especially when I can go and get me someone new and maybe better.

Bottom line is, my woman ain’t gonna be running around town with a guy who has no known girlfriend to my knowledge, who wants my woman to be his. Fuck that. I don’t give a fuck what she says, I ain’t doing it, not from 400 miles away I ain’t. I wanted to be with Sausha but I ain’t dealing with this shit. She can go out with Teau all she wants and won’t have to answer to no one.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHO HAD “JUST A FRIEND” MALE BUT YOU FELT THEY WERE FUCKING BEHIND YOUR BACK, ESPECIALLY IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP BECAME LONG DISTANCE?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.4.1999

At the same time as trying to date Sausha, I ran into Rhonda. Now I’ve liked Rhonda since ninth grade, but she wouldn’t give me no holla because of my crazy girlfriend Sue Jackson. I tried kickin it to Rhonda one time Sue and I broke up, but she wasn’t having it. I ran into Rhonda in the mall, and she gave me her number because her boyfriend was in jail on drug charges. We went out and had a good time and we started talking and had some good conversations. We clicked very well. One problem though, she lived with her mom and I lived with my mom. Well, it wasn’t a problem because I could take my mom over to my aunts or grandmother’s house to spend the night, and Rhonda could spend the night with me. I guess she didn’t see it that way. She was thinking “you live with your mom, I live with my mom, and this ain’t gonna work.”

One night I had the house to myself and invited Rhonda over and she declined. I didn’t tell her that my mom was gone. She would have found that out when I got her in the house, threw her on the bed, and started licking that sweet black pussy. I was pissed that she didn’t want to come and see me. Our conversation started going down, and our little thing started fading away. I stopped calling her. I think she was just waiting for her boyfriend to get out of jail anyway. We did have our spur of the moment night though at my aunts apartment which she left me when she went back to Atlanta. I went over there earlier that day and turned on the space heater in the room since the gas had gotten shut off by then. I guess I planned the night, but I forgot what the plan was. But anyway, I saw Rhonda out that night with her friend and my best friends’ sons mother, Manika. At the end of the night I asked Rhonda to come with me and she did. Well she was driving and I rode with her and Manika. We went to my aunts house. I tried making good love to her to convince her that we could be together, but it didn’t come off because she made me wear a rubber. So I ate the pussy a few times and she came in my mouth. We got dressed and she dropped me off at home.

It was then that I had my friend Padrock hook me up with a friend of his Victoria whom I had known from word of mouth through high school and what not. Victoria was known for her big ass in high school. Padrock said that she liked to dress sexy, which was one quality I liked in a woman, and that she was looking for a real man. So he got her number from her and gave it to me. I called her and we talked. We had fair conversation. At the time, Victoria was just looking for a fuck while she carried out her plan of going to school and leaving Warren in a year or two. But we got to talking and spending time together. Everything was fine. Victoria was getting unemployment checks and we were going out on the weekends. We sort of became a couple.

Three months later Victoria was pregnant, and decided she was going to keep the baby. I figured Victoria was a nice girl also, wanted something out of life, was gonna go to school and work and make life happen until she graduated and could get a better job. As time went on and I started looking deep into Victoria. She started telling of how she would not work this place and that place. She had a job at a corporation in Columbus, but got fired and I guess her relationship with some fella had fallen through. She started telling me how she won’t live in this place and that place, about how she stayed in some nice apartments in Columbus but couldn’t afford the rent so her daddy would send her money. She started telling me that she would not move to NY because she didn’t want to be stuck in traffic driving, she didn’t want to ride a bus or subway, and she didn’t want to move away from her family with a baby.

It was then that I came to the conclusion that we would not make it and I broke up with her when she was eight months pregnant. I almost made it the full nine months, close but no cigar. Victoria expects to live in a nice neighborhood, drive a nice car, and I think have a nice job, or run her own business all at the snap of a princess finger. She didn’t realize that since she quit her job in Columbus because they didn’t give her a big enough raise, and that she didn’t finish college or the many colleges (two or three) that she attended since she had graduated high school. She didn’t realize that she had to start from the bottom and work her way to what she wanted. I guess she thought that her dad could save her from having to start at the bottom. And plus the fact that everything I said she tried to say the opposite. I think she was doing that to say to me that you are not smart, and do not know nothing just because you graduated from college. I detected a little animosity toward me at times so I rubbed it in her face that I was everything that she wanted to be and more.

She had the baby and I got back with her with a love note that many people write but never live up to. I wrote her that I would like to be with her and my child to help raise my child, and put our family together three strong, and always be there for them. She bought it and it was true. I was going to observe our relationship for a year, and if all went well; if she was the woman, the mother of my child, willing to satisfy my needs: sexually, mentally, we would have gotten married a year later. That shit didn’t last two months. Victoria didn’t want to have sex after Janelle was born. You have a whole healthy kid by me, but now you don’t want to have sex with me. I wasn’t understanding and she didn’t give me any better explanation than that she didn’t want to. I guess she was tryin’ to gain her self respect after realizing one day while looking at the calendar, that I hit that ass in like one and half weeks. Well, as told before, I love my sex and I got to have it. I wasn’t havin’ that and I broke out. Things were going well with the visitation of my daughter. I was buying my daughter pampers and clothes on the regular. But no doe hoe.

Now my daughter is going on two years old and Voctoria and I aren’t friends. We never really had shit. She got pregnant while sneaking a little fuck in while her dad was sleep in the other room, or maybe it was when I came home from jail and busted a big ole nut in her ass on her mom’s living room couch. Whatever the case, I was not too happy about her having the baby, but what can a man do when a woman decides that she is going to have the baby, NOTHING. But like I told her while she was pregnant that once the baby was born, there would be no stopping me.

I love my child the most. She knows I love my child the most, but every since the beginning, her sister, mom, dad and her have been treating me like I have no right to really see my child nor does my family, including my mom. My daughter was one before Victoria let her spend the night, and Victoria didn’t let her spend the night, I had to go to court to get proper visitation set up, which I should have did when I got the blood test ordered in child support court. But I figured we could work everything out, but we haven’t been able and never will be able to see eye to eye. Everything I want, I have to ask the judge. I’m cool with that.

So when I left Victoria alone when she was eight months pregnant I started messing with Lauren again. We were getting alone fine, having sex and going out like when we first started. I told her that I was expecting a baby soon, and she didn’t like that too well. I told her when I was trying to work it out with Victoria, and when I left Victoria the second time, I had already been seeing Lauren and telling her that Victoria and I were on the verge of breakdown. On our final break down I told Lauren that I wanted to be with her. She didn’t believe me plus she was still involved with Jamelle. She thought that I would still be fucking Victoria. Victoria and I haven’t fucked since her eighth month of pregnancy. I left Lauren alone after that again.

So there I was sexless again and I was going out in Warren to this one club in this big plaza where Hills department store used to be located. I would see Sausha there when I went. She was dressing a little sexier now. Hell, everybody was. The TLC big jeans fad was fading and the seventies look was coming back. Sausha could always be found wearing some jeans, a tight fitting shirt, and a cute little hair do. But I had lost all wanting to talk to Sausha from that sweetest day incident, though Sausha had been calling me like once a month that past year while Victoria was pregnant and we’d talk about nothing basically. I told her some of my life problems from time to time. I never asked her for her number again.

Also while going out in Warren at this time, I saw Elizabeth. She was looking kind of sexy, had gained some weight, and looked like she was out to have a good time. I danced with her that one night I saw her at the club. We went to breakfast and we started talking again. We still couldn’t have sex on a regular basis because she still lived with her mom, but we would fuck on weekends. We had about four episodes before I got frustrated with being in the presence of a woman I was attracted to and not being able to have sexual relations with her on a regular basis.

We went on a date one night to dinner and I think it was her birthday. We came back to my house that night because my mom was gone. I fucked her on the couch for about fifteen minutes, no big deal. A week later I fucked her over my aunts house while my cousin was sleep and my aunt was gone. It was O.K. that night; I ate the pussy a little bit. I was fucking her doggie style, busted a nut in her ass. We got dressed and went home. The next week we went to a hotel room, and she said she had a surprise for me. I couldn’t wait. She said she was going to freak me. The surprise was that I had to pay for the room and that she was not going to spend the night. Naw, even though it went down like that, she didn’t tell me that.

The surprise was that she had a lingerie piece on. It covered her tidies, which were big as all outside. It covered her stomach and that was it. We go in the room and she took off her stretch pants and it was on. She started jokingly dancing around and stuff, and the ass was just shaking. She took my clothes off and we went to town; licking each others ass hole. She was sucking my dick and I was eating her pussy, fucking her doggie style. And I was working that ass with all them tidies in my face. She told me that she wanted me to come in her mouth. So just as I was about to come, I put my dick in her mouth and she started sucking it while I was like in a one arm push up position over her. I kept my dick in her mouth until I let every hot weeks worth of come squirt directly in her mouth. She didn’t swallow it like Rebecca used to do. She spit it out in the toilet. After that night, the next week we didn’t do anything. I was mad that she didn’t spend the night with me that night in the hotel so that I could fuck more than just one more time after we came from an explicit movie and toy shop. I told her a little later after the next weekend that I couldn’t talk to her anymore because she turns me on sexually, but we can’t have that much sex like I want to.

Elizabeth was a winner besides the fact that she was living with her mom. Her son, she loved him too much. She got his approval before kissing me or she wouldn’t kiss me in front of him; now I thought that was showing him a little too much respect. I also didn’t like the fact that she said she had no money saved. She had been working for like seven years, making good money and living with her mom and dad. She said she just spends all her money and had no idea how to save or budget. At her age, I thought that was ridiculous.

After that brief stint with Elizabeth came Sausha full force this time; her kidz father was in jail, would be there for awhile, and she had plans on fucking me since day one, and she carried out those plans. Sausha is a nice girl who just caught up with the wrong guy who took advantage of her parents not teaching her the right things, and who to let her have a kid with. The other two kidz, I blame her for even though she was still being taken advantage of. Once you have one kid, you know the deal. After me having one, I know the deal, and do not want to have another one unless I am married, and maybe not even then. We’ll get to Sausha next session.

In brief, when I met her, she had two kidz and was pregnant with her third but didn’t know it at the time or maybe she knew and was just using me for someone to make her feel wanted. She had no plans of really getting involved with me when I met her at K-Mart Distribution Center.

WHAT WAS LIFE LIKE FOR YOU, MALE OR FEMALE, LOOKING FOR LOVE? WHAT EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE DECISIONS (I MADE MANY) DID YOU MAKE IN YOUR SEARCH?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.3.1999

I AM REGRETFUL REGARDING THE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS DESCRIBED IN THIS JOURNAL ENTRY! I LEARNED, GREW AND PROGRESSED FROM THEM! NEVER WILL SUCH AN INCIDENT TAKE PLACE AGAIN IN MY LIFETIME!

For two years, I juggled between Lauren and Rebecca. how I did it I don’t know. But that shit has to catch up to you and one of the women has to find out. It is inevitable.

 I was basically going out with both of them. Rebecca and I would go out in Warren, and Lauren and I would go out in Youngstown. Lauren started hearing that I would be out in Warren with some white girl. I seen people from YSU from time to time who knew Lauren, but I didn’t think nothing of it. So someone saw me walking in a grocery store with a girl. We were walking around talking, no crime in that right.

I remember one day Lauren found a long white hair in my head. I told her that white people’s hair blow in the wind and one piece landed on me. Another day she found a strand in my bag where I kept my toothbrush. She didn’t really say anything and I didn’t start explaining anything. A little while after that, she found a receipt with Rebecca’s name on it in my bottle of cologne. It had Rebecca’s name and Discover card number on it. She brought it down and asked what it was. I had no answer. She told me to leave, and I did. I cared but I didn’t care because I had Rebecca supplying my sexual needs. I stayed away about two weeks indulging in lustful activity with Rebecca as always, but without interruptions of me having to go and spend a couple of nights with Lauren.

I went back to Lauren one night that I was bored. We made up after some serious begging, but it was never the same. I used to take her and pick her up from work. One day I picked her up when I wasn’t supposed to. She was walking out talking to this tall cat. Later I found out that she was seeing him. We broke up again, and I stayed away a long time just being with Rebecca.

I liked Rebecca but like I said, she was whore. I was with her because of the good sex and that was all. I didn’t love her. I liked her. I mean, how else could I have stayed with her my last two years of college. I suspect that Rebecca had many other sex partners behind my back in Youngstown and in Warren. One night, I even found a rubber in her pussy while I was fucking her. I stopped and pretended like I was hurt, but I didn’t care about that hoe. I did care about my sex life, and knew that it would never be the same without her. I couldn’t even stop seeing her even though I had Lauren whom I had grown to love and wanted to be with. The sexual experiences with Rebecca were too much for me to give up. Rebecca even told me of times she cheated. I did the same thing; acted like I cared, and that I was mad for an hour or two, then she would start sucking my dick and it was all forgotten about.

So I continued on with Rebecca. She had stopped going to school after one quarter of living in that apartment. She got a job working in Warren. She would work in Warren mid-nights, go to her moms house and go to sleep because by time she would have gotten to the apartment, I would have been leaving for my eight o’clock class. I always kept an eight o’clock class to try and prepare myself for work life in the real world. But you know what, I still stay in bed until the last minute. I’ve even gotten worse since I graduated college.

She would come home by time I got home from school. It was just me and Rebecca now. Movies, dinners, porn watching, fucking, sucking, eating. In fact during this time when I was with just her was when we experimented with the manage-a-trio. I never took her to any clubs or anything like that. I may as well have. Everybody saw us together. I didn’t care though. All of the pretty and sexy girls in Warren were with drug dealers or had legitimate boyfriends. Rebecca and Lauren were all I had.

At the time I was with Rebecca and Lauren, me and friends would go to Cleveland every weekend to Veils on the Circle. I loved that place. I took Lauren a couple of times with me when we were together. I guess I could have fucked some girls in Warren, if I hadn’t been going to Cleveland every weekend. I never went out in Warren until after my relationships with Lauren and Rebecca were over, and when Veils was getting tired. The most I’ve ever went out in Warren was when I first started talking to Sausha. We’d go to the Legion and sit there and drink and we’d go to The Most Wanted after hours spot to drink and dance.

So I thought that Rebecca was going to work, going over her mother’s house, and then coming home to put my dick in her mouth. She probably did stick to that program for awhile, but she strayed away. I don’t know what was Rebecca’s problem. Was she really a whore who just didn’t care, being young and all, or did she have a problem? I thought that maybe she had a problem because her dad used to beat her mom, which may have caused her to hate white men. She said she only jacked off one white dick. There was this one guy who used to call and hang up though, who she said was just her friend. She probably was fucking him. People used to call and hang up all the time or talk shit to me, and she’d claim she didn’t know who they were. But like I said I didn’t care. I had free room and board, free pussy and a mouth and occasionally an asshole to bust a nut in, and free clothes, movies, dinners, tapes, shoes. Rebecca supplied me with it all. I guess you can say I was her little trick bitch or pimp. While everybody else got a piece of the pussy, I got the pussy, money, and everything in between. Maybe her trauma with her mom and dad caused her to hate all men, and led her to believe they were all just for the fucking. She claimed she loved me and I believe she did, but she had a problem with fucking anyone who smiled at her and asked for her phone or pager number.  And she kept her pussy clean too; always douched, and took showers. I never smelt any kind of odor in that pussy.

Rebecca decided after a year and her lease was up that it was time for to move to Warren where her job was. It was in the summer. She moved to Jamestown Village right down the street from her job. She told me of some guy at her job who always stared at her, but never said anything to her and she said nothing to him. After about a month of living there, I did some investigative work and discovered that she had been fucking him. She was pregnant for the second time, and I had accepted the fact that she was going to have my baby. I pressured her into getting an abortion the first time. This time I was cool about it. I was about to graduate from college and this couldn’t hurt my college career. I had one quarter of school left in the fall.

One morning while at her house the phone rings. She answers and starts talking. I go to the other room and pick up the phone, and I hear some guy saying bye. I argued with her about who it was and left it alone. I think he wanted to hook up with her, but at that moment I was there. He had a girlfriend also, so she couldn’t go to his house. So I told her to give me some money so that I could go to the mall in Cleveland. I pretended that I left. But what I actually did was park my car down the street in another parking lot and crept back up to her door and she was talking to him on the phone. She told him that they could hook up I guess, and that she would be there. So I went and hid and watched her leave. When she left I left a note saying that I know she was fucking this guy and that I was getting a blood test when the baby was born.

I waited for her to come back home, and I hid in her closet. She came in, found the note, went to her room and called him. She was telling him what the note said and they started talking. I hear her saying something about “he’s gonna know its not his because he’s getting a blood test regardless.” When I heard that, I went into the room and started whipping her ass. I caught her with one good right hook to the eye and her eye just burst out with blood. She called 911 and started talking to them and I got on the phone and started talking to them. I was upset that she lied to me and got busted. If she would have told me that the baby was his and I wouldn’t have caught her in that lie, I would have just walked away and left her alone or kept fucking her.

Her family found out and everybody tried to get her to press charges against me. She didn’t though, but one day they forced her down town and had her fill out a report, and the police told her that she could call and they would put a warrant out whenever they wanted.

Rebecca and I made up after that and we started fuckin again. She was fucking both me and Thomas whom she was pregnant by. I would see come stains in her panties and on her bed and get mad from time to time and leave her alone, but we would eventually start fucking again. One day I left her house mad and she thought that I had taken her credit card. I went back later that day. She didn’t open the door, and as I was leaving, Calloway the cop comes and arrests me. She called and pressed charges because she thought I stole her credit card. Even after that we were still fucking. I just couldn’t stop fucking her. She couldn’t get pregnant again, and I was just addicted to her sex. I wanted it to be all mine sure, but when It really came down to it, I didn’t care, as long as I was busting nuts in the pussy, it balanced out her fucking Thomas at the same time.

We fucked until I went to court, and the judge sentenced me to twenty days. That day I went over her house and told her that I still wanted to be with her. I didn’t want to lose my sex. She said that she was going to be with Thomas. How would I treat her kid knowing it wasn’t mine and with the situation and all. I think what really drove her away was the fact that I beat her ass so badly and left a trade mark around her eye. It was reminiscent of her father beating her mom and she couldn’t take that, along with Thomas whispering sweet nothings in her ear. And I guess it was time to move on since I was planning after graduation from college to move to NY and live happily ever after, and leave Rebecca in the dust anyway.

I started seeing Elizabeth. We couldn’t have good sex because she lived with her mom. But I liked Elizabeth. She was like a woman I would have liked to have been my wife, but she didn’t have her shit together. I liked the fact that she had grown up with both parents in a nice home. Everybody knew about the Wilsons from her brother Robert who had all the nice cars from age 16 on: Mustang 5.0, Chevy Blazer, Benz. I lost track after the Benz. Plus I heard Elizabeth was sucking dick back when I was in ninth grade and she was in the 11th. I didn’t even know her then. But when I ran into her, she looked good. I don’t even know what gave me the confidence to holla at her that night. It was my frat brother’s college graduation party. She had long hair, well done, which later I found out was a weave. She looked very beautiful and woman like.

As I got to know Elizabeth, she told me that she was going through a divorce. She didn’t seem too hurt by it so I didn’t think nothing of it. Later on in life after hooking up with her again, I found that she was very hurt by it. She never washed her pussy apparently because the few times we did have sex, after we were done, it stanked. I told her about it and we talked about it, but it still stanked the next time. That caused us to get bitter with each other, but she was pregnant, and said that she was getting an abortion. So we broke up and there I was sexless. I didn’t go back to Lauren or Rebecca. Lauren was with the guy from work Jamelle, and Rebecca was with Thomas. But at the same time as I was messing with Elizabeth, I met this sweet little girl at work named Sausha.

Sausha didn’t have anything I wanted. Well, she had some nice tidies that I noticed right off. She didn’t look sexually skilled. She wore baggy clothes and tennis shoes to work, and she wore glasses. I started talking to her on a friendly level and I started giving her rides home, and I started liking her on the low. One day she disappeared from work, had quit I guess. I left a note on her door saying that I had started liking her and left my number on it. She called me and we started talking. I thought she was sweet, quiet and innocent. We’d talk on the phone and I’d give her rides places and stop over her house sometimes and talk to her. It was cool. One night we went over my over my grandmother’s house and watched a movie or two. She sat there quietly and ate all of my grandmother’s candy. This was October right around sweetest day.

On Sweetest day I bought her a card, and I called her to tell her that I was bringing it over. A couple of days before that she was all dry on the phone with me and not returning my phone calls. On this day, she tells me that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Now I had already written out a nice little card for her. I said to myself, “self, you going over to her house and deliver this card because you bought it for her and you’ve already written the passage, especially for her.” So I goes over to her house and knock at the door. She sticks her head out of her bedroom window an says “—, I thought I told you that I didn’t want to talk to you any more.” I said, “Well, I already bought the card, the least you can do is take it.” She comes down and gets the card and says thank you and I start to leave. Just as I am halfway to the car, I hear a voice saying “punk you come back and I’ll kick yo ass.” I turns around and it’s her kidz father Snowman. So I turn back around and just walk to the car. I mean what was I to say, she wasn’t my girl, and I wasn’t expecting him to be there. I gets in the car, and here comes this fool running toward the car. I starts it up to leave and as I am driving away he throws a garbage can at the car in an attempt to bust the window. He missed and I kept on driving. I thought to myself that, “Sausha played me” and left it alone, and I never called her after that or went over to her house.

WAS THERE EVER A TIME YOU WERE PUSSY WHIPPED OR DICK-MA-TIZED; HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS CLEARLY MANIPULATING AND/OR ABUSING YOU? HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN A VICTIM OR PERPETRATOR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Jrnl Entry No. 9.2.1999

No one is here at work today. So back to Lauren. Now this was the best pussy I’ve ever had in my life till this day. Like I said before, I could come in the pussy and no worry about babies. I was in heaven. It wasn’t the best pussy because I come in it, but for many other reasons.

Now after we had our first night of sex over her cousin’s house, I would go up to Youngstown to spend the night with her about two times a week during the week. I don’t know what I was doing on the weekends at the time, but I wasn’t spending them with her.

After about five nights of staying over her cousin’s house, I started to wonder why she never invited me to her house. What I conjured up in my head was that she had a boyfriend living there, so I asked her about that. I forget what answer she gave, but it was something bogus. I started telling her that I didn’t like being at her cousin’s house anymore, and I think I stopped seeing her for about a week. My friend Burton knew of her. I would always tell Burton my business back then.

Well, after being away for a bout a week, I started going through withdrawal and I talked to Burton about it. I told him that I was leaving her alone, but the pussy was so good, I don’t know if that was what I really wanted to do. I told him that she could ride dick, which she could do very well. Any way, I didn’t leave her alone. Boy she was the first girl to ride my dick right since Sue Jackson back in ninth grade, and don’t forget about the doggy style.

So eventually Lauren did invite me to her apartment. I don’t know why she didn’t in the first place. Maybe because she didn’t want to upset her last child’s father, or maybe because it was roach infested, or maybe because she didn’t have a box spring for her bed. Lauren, who I had initially dissed because I thought she had no body, turned out to have the best body that I had seen in my lifetime; she had a wrinkled stomach from having three kidz, but her other features made up for that. Height, bout 5/4. She did have small tidies but what I liked about them most was that I could suck one into my mouth and she loved it when I did that. Her ass was nice and round, and it jiggled when I fucked her from the back. When she rode my dick sometimes she would put her chest down on mine and just have her ass working; the ass would be just be jiggling and jumping up and down in the air. What I liked to do most was put my hands around her waist and just feel the wave from the ass moving up and down. It was so lovely. And I also like coming in the ass while she was riding me and I would be holding the ass tight as I shot every drip drop into her while she was jumping up and down on my dick.

So here I was getting into a relationship with Lauren. I practically moved in with her. I would bring a suit case with a weeks worth of clothes. I would stay at her house one week and go home the next week. We had much fun with our sex. She wanted to be a little wild I guess. She would let me fuck her in this closet doggie style. See she could get on her knees and put her head down on some clothes in the corner, and only her ass would be up in the air. I would just fuck her, spank the ass, and just bust a nut all in it. She also liked to hang from this bar in that closet, and I would stand on that little ledge. My dick and her pussy would just line up, and we would go to town. We also did this position from the shower. Lauren had these one pair of black panties that I loved. They tied on the sides, and when you untied them, they would just fall off. I used to love untying those panties. Lauren and I had many little fights where I would walk away and leave and wouldn’t call her. She would call me and I would go back to that pussy. She said that was the way we made up by having sex.

Now I know I sound like Lauren and I were just fucking, but it developed into more than that. I had to fix her up though, one thing I will never do to another female again. Just like I thought, she was wack: curl, corny gear, shoes; everything was not right, just the sex. Once we changed all that, I started liking her more. We would do the usual Warren and Youngstown thing; the only thing there was to do, go to the movies. I took her on a trip to NY with me. At that time, I would, or my friends and I would take a trip up to NY once a year; winter, spring, summer, fall. It didn’t matter the season or weather, we went. Lauren and I had fun going out and with sex. It was no doubt the greatest sexual relationship I ever had with a black woman. And get this, she never sucked my dick. Well, maybe once or twice, but noting major. I would sometimes pick Lauren up off the bed with her legs on my shoulders and she would hug me around my neck to hold on, and I would just move her up and down on my dick.

I even took Lauren to Atlanta Freak Nic with me. The first night there we had an argument because I felt she was paying a little too much attention to my friend. We made up the next morning though. She was wearing her cat suit that day. We went over to my cousin’s house that morning. We left my two friends at the place where we were staying. We returned to go and get them at about one or two and they were gone. Some how we got to Lennox Square Mall. We saw my friends there, and one of them, Leon, was upset that we had left them at the house for so long. Now, maybe I would have been upset also, at first. But he was in a mall full of sexy bitches, and was arguing with me, ready to fight. Yes, I left them, and maybe a little too long, but he was at the place where we were going to end up anyway, and the place was packed with beautiful women. Now if he had missed the whole event of the mall and everything because of me, I could have sympathized with him, but since he was there where all of the action was, I let him be mad. He said fuck me, I said fuck him, and Lauren and I went about our way. She was looking good to me in that cat suit that made me change my mind about talking to her in the beginning. Guys were hawking her and taking pictures and video taping the ass walking by. I loved it. I don’t get mad about shit like that, in fact, I like when everybody is letting me know that my girl is sexy, it only makes me want the ass more at the end of the night.

So we left the mall and went riding. At night time, we found a little club and went inside. It was packed and they were playing Luke Two Live Crew booty shake music all night long. I didn’t like booty music, but I was in Rome, and I started doing what the Romans do. So I started freaking Lauren on the dance floor. I took my shirt off. I had my hand inside the cat suit feeling her tidies. We knew no one so it didn’t matter what we did. She started getting nervous because some guys were looking at me with my hand in her shirt. They had a strip contest in the club where anyone could basically jump on stage and take their pants off or lift their dress up, and many of the girls were wearing thongs under their clothing. Lauren knew I liked shit like that because I would always pull her panties up into her ass during foreplay. After the strip contest, we went out to the car and fucked right there in the crowded parking lot, but I think we were away from the crowd. I kind of hoped that someone would discover us and look in the car window. I was out of town and didn’t care. That was some great sex that night in the car.

So Lauren and me had a little relationship filled with fun, sex and little arguments. I loved Lauren, and wanted to be with her. But Lauren had three kidz, and at the time, I didn’t see how we could make it together forever so I told her one night that she was the one for me, but we would probably not be together forever because of the responsibility of the kidz; those were my true feelings. I wanted to be truly honest with her. I don’t know what effect that had on the relationship, but we continued on after I said that to her. I think I said that before the NY trip and the Atlanta trip. It was Lauren and me together. It was great.

But somehow at the same time there was Rebecca and me. Now I met Rebecca in High school. I was told that she fucked niggaz. I thought that she was thick and I liked thick back in high school. And I liked Rebecca’s little switch to her walk. So one night at a basketball game that my girl friend, who I loved very much, didn’t attend, I asked Rebecca for her number and we started talking. The next weekend, she had to baby sit, and she invited me over. I went over there and fucked her. Nothing special, just fucked her until her pussy got dry, busted a nut on her stomach, and put on my clothes and called my boy Flynn to come and pick me up since my car was down at the time. While I was waiting on Flynn, her parents showed up. We were both dressed, so they didn’t catch us or anything. They did a little investigating; asked why the bed was messed up and asked me how old I was. I left and that was that. After that night Rebecca and I would hook up on days she told her parents that she had to candy stripe at the hospital, fuck her twice and take her back to the hospital. We did this for about two months.

Somehow, the rumor had gotten back to my girl friend Samantha Conrad whom I loved very much during my senior year in high school. The boy that Rebecca was baby sitting told someone that I was there and he described a negro with a green Celtics Starter jacket. I told Samantha it wasn’t me. But it had to be me because I was the only one at the school with a green Celtics Starter jacket. I had heard that one of my friends whom everybody said looks just like me, Grigg Bathegate, had the same jacket so I told her it could have been him. I guess she believed me because we stayed together.

Now I loved Samantha to death. Every since eighth grade, I had this burning desire to be in a relationship with a nice cute little white girl. One of the so called classy ones who wasn’t fucking all the black boys in the school. I discovered Samantha Conrad. I met her on a bus trip to Virginia with the band. She played the clarinet. We were sitting across from each other on the bus. Being a high school kid, I made fun out of the ride. I started talking with her and her best friend. The one line I’ll never forget and Samantha won’t neither, though we will probably never speak again in life, “you have very kissable lips.” Where did I come up with that shit at? I think I heard it in a movie or something or on a comic special. But anyway, the trip went well and I had fun. After we got to Virginia, I don’t think I talked to Samantha during our stay there. I don’t think I sat across from her on the way home because me and some friends of mine got into trouble for sneaking out of the room at night. They had us locked up in our rooms at 9 P.M. while other schools were out on the beach playing all night.

We snuck out and got busted. We never would have gotten caught, but check this. We snuck out and were walking scared, but brave. While on the stair case, we thought we heard somebody coming so we ran down the steps and out of a door which landed us outside where we wanted to be, but we were at the back of the hotel and didn’t know how we were going to get back in. We found our way to the front and were heading back upstairs to go to our rooms. We decided to take the elevator, why, who knows. You do some of the stupidest shit when you are a teenager thinking you are clever. So when the elevator reaches the bottom floor, the door opens, and none other than the band director and the chaperones are staring us in the face shocked. They had us with them all the next day. I was pissed saying that we shouldn’t have been locked up in the rooms anyway while other bands were on the beach. I just finished reading or was in the middle of reading Malcolm X. I was calling them prejudice, saying that they wouldn’t let us out at night to play because there were too many blacks in the band. We had to report to them every hour at the amusement park, and we had to ride their bus home. Samantha had taken some pictures of me on the bus trip there. She showed them to me at school. And that was pretty much the end of our little whatever you want to call it. I’ll get to Samantha later.

Rebecca and I had been fooling around off and on since my senior year in high school. Rebecca was a thick little white whore. She tried to fuck every black boy in the school and I think she did. She would call me every so often and we would fuck a few times and then she would stop calling; on to the next black dick I guess. But my second year in college, I ran into her at YSU picking her sister up from school. We started talking again, and this was before I met Lauren. This time Rebecca kept fucking me and she never stopped calling. I would sneak over to her moms house when everybody  was sleep and spend half the night with her; get up very early and leave. At first we started down stairs in the basement, and I would hide every time I heard the floor squeak.       

Now Rebecca turned out to be the best sex I ever had. At first we started out, her sucking my dick, missionary and doggie style because we couldn’t make too much noise in her parents home. I would go there and she would have “T-shirt and my panties on” (as a reference to the song from 1998). She would have on these panties that covered only a little of her wide ass, and a T-shirt. My dick would be rock hard as soon as she answered the door. After a while of going into the basement, we moved it to the bedroom. It was there that she sucked my dick one night, and she did for so long and it felt so good, I came in her mouth. I had never done that with anyone else.   

We eventually got caught in her parents house so we chilled with that a little while. We started doing it in the car at the cemetary, and where ever we could find a spot. We’d go with her sister to her boyfriends’ house and spend the night there. And we would go to hotels. We did this for a year. My dick would be so hard for Rebecca. She would always go into my pants and grab my dick while we were kissing, and then she would suck it so nice and sweet, and her pussy would always be wet. I loved grabbing that ass. We would try to fuck as long as possible without me coming, now that was fun. She eventually got on the pill and I could bust nuts all in her pussy too. I was in pussy heaven. A white girl sucking my dick who I could fuck whenever, where ever and however, and a black girl with a nice round ass that she knew how to work who I could fuck whenever, where ever and however, and I could bust nuts in both their asses and no one got pregnant. Rebecca would meet me after work in the summer and during lunch time. We would go to the park and fuck in the car, and when she was on her period, she would suck my dick and I would come in her mouth. I would fuck Rebecca during the day, and go stay with Lauren during the night.

The summer after my third year in college Rebecca got her own apartment in Youngstown down the street from the school. That is when she started buying a bunch of thongs and wearing them all the time around the house and under ever outfit. When she got that apartment, by that time, we had our sexual routine. But in that apartment we did many things like fucking in front of the window hoping someone on the street would see us. We fucked all the time. Any time my dick was hard, I would just put it in her mouth and fuck her on the bed, on the floor, on the couch. My favorite was her bending over the couch looking out the window, and fucking her doggie style. She would reach back at a certain point and play with my balls and I would just bust a nice warm nut all in her ass. It was in that apartment that she let me try to fuck her in the ass. She never really got into it because it hurt. We had tried it once before at her moms house. We did it off and on to spice things up.

We would always watch porno movies, mostly ones with two men and one girl involved. You know, one man fucking in the ass and another in the pussy. Or one man fucking doggie style while the other man stands in front of her and she sucks his dick or jacks it off. We bought about three of those and would watch them from time to time. She said she wanted to see what it felt like to be fucked in the ass the same time as in her pussy. We went out and bought a dill doe and experimented with it, putting in into her ass while I was fucking her.

After watching those movies so many times we decided to try the two man thing. We started to do it once while my cousin Jonah was over, but decided not to. One night my frat brother Mitchell was over for some reason. I think we were having a meeting and Rebecca was in the shower. When she came out, I went into the room and started playing with her ass and we talked about inviting Mitchell in to have sex with us. We decided to call him in the room. He came in and I was playing with her ass, which was busting out of a pair of colorful cotton thongs. He stood on the wall next to the bed and watched me. She went over and started sucking his dick. I followed her and started playing with her tidies. She told him to lie down on the bed. He pulled his pants down and did as he was told. So as she was on the bed sucking his dick on her knees, I pulled her panties to the side and started fucking her doggie style. Mitchell came in her mouth very quickly. He always told me he couldn’t last when a bitch was sucking his dick. His dick was still hard and she kept on sucking it. I came rather quickly also because I was so excited, I couldn’t believe I was doing what they do in the movies. So we stopped after that. We dropped Mitchell off at home and we came back and fucked some more. We talked about how it felt funny, but we enjoyed it. We still didn’t reach our goal or getting a dick in both her ass and pussy. We tried it again about a week later. Mitchell couldn’t get his dick hard enough to fuck her in her ass with a rubber on. So he laid down and she got on top of him, and I got on top of her and put my dick in her ass. She started wiggling around, moaning, and she came. Mitchell got up. I kept my dick in her ass and fucked her until I came.

After that night she said that she enjoyed it but she didn’t like the fact of coming with his dick in her pussy. We also discussed the fact of Mitchell’s dick being too small and that she wanted a bigger one. I thought of my friend Tracey. He had a long dick like mine and she liked it. She would suck his dick and I would fuck her doggie style and then we would switch. He didn’t want to fuck her in the ass though. So she got on top of his dick, and I tried to fuck her in the ass, but I had already came in her mouth and my dick was soft. So she kept on riding his dick. I went into the room and got the dill doe and started sticking it in her ass. She told me to stop, so I started fingering her ass hole. Tracey stopped. We both had come and were dead. She was still ready to go. We all just sat on the couch. They lit up some weed and I had me a 40 oz of beer.  I liked doing that freaky shit. Rebecca and I did it all. She never invited her ugly friend over for me to fuck two women though. We fucked  Mitchell and Tracey twice, and then we stopped that. Well, she fucked them. I was just there fucking her too.

Yeah Rebecca was the greatest sexual experience. It was because of her that I like to eat pussy and make it come. I can’t get enough of eating Sausha’s pussy. I love eating pussy now. Rebecca was the first girl whose pussy I really ate. I tried giving that pleasure to Lauren but she said that she didn’t like it. I used to love to make Rebecca come by playing with her clit while on top of her fucking. I would stick my finger in her ass, which she loved. I would be fucking, playing with the clit with one hand , and playing with the ass hole with the other hand. When she would come, her ass would pulsate like a heart beat. I thought all pussies were supposed to pulsate like that when they came. This led me to believe that Lauren was faking when she claimed she was coming. All she would do was starting screaming “oooh Jesus, OOOH!” I put my finger in her ass and no pulsation. Sausha doesn’t pulsate neither. Now I know that all women come differently, but they do come; or at least I think they do. For all I know, they could be faking.

WHAT WAS THE FREAKIEST PORN MOVIE SEX YOU’VE EVER HAD?