Jrnl Entry No. 3.8.2001

I went to a poetry / prose reading last night featuring Nathaniel Mackey in Philosophy Hall at Columbia University. I have never heard of this guy in my life. I was just going to have something to do, to get out from my apartment and perhaps meet some intelligent black people, or better year, intelligent black women. It was to start at 8 P.M. I got there at 7:15 P.M. I left home early in anticipation of traffic. When I got there, the room was empty except for a few people who were setting up a video camera and the speakers, etc. I just chilled and figured I’d wait for a fly honey to come walking up so that I could get my conversation on with her. I waited, and I waited, and I waited, but none arrived. As time reached 7:45 P.M., I sat down behind the girl running the camera and waited for the show to begin.

In walked this tall light skinned man and his son who was just a little shorter than he was. These two white women who were sitting a seat down from me started looking over there at them and started having a conversation. “Oh, look at him, he looks like a young man, not a kid anymore. He looks like his father, look at him.” They were so fascinated with this kid. He came and sat next to me and asked me was I a student at Columbia University. I told him no. Then he asked me was I a student period. I told him I was twenty-seven years old, graduated from college. He said he was 17 deciding what college to attend; Columbia, where his dad is professor or Jazz Studies or something like that, and he could go there for free. He was thinking of Hampton University to get the black experience and party with black kids, as not to be bored to death like I was in college for the most part. He said he wanted to get away from his parents. I told him that New York was the ultimate experience. He’s not gonna experience much that he already hasn’t seen or heard in New York. It would be good to see how different another place is from New York, but for fun and excitement, nothing tops the NY.

I told him my story of moving to New York to become a producer. He said that he raps occasionally but nothing serious. I told him that I once wanted to be a rapper when I was his age. He asked what type of rap I like. I told him that Pharoahe Monch was my favorite MC at the time, and he quickly agreed. He told me that I should go to some Hip Hop thing that takes place on Sundays. He gave me the name and street that it was on. Right before the show started he asked me to kick a rhyme for him so I spit a verse that was a year old. He said it was hot of course. See people who don’t know me or meet me first as an MC, they respect my skill. But if I don’t let people know that I rap, they never suspect it and don’t take me serious when I say I can. Of course of I can, I been doin’ this shit for 14 years now.

The show started with Nathaniel Mackey reading some poetry he wrote in relation to a couple of jazz artist. He read some of his published stories made up of the character “N” who writes talking about his experiences with music and his Jazz band. Mr. Mackey read different stuff for about an hour then they opened the forum up for questioning. I asked was his character “N” inspired by Langston Hughes character “Simple”. He said yes indirectly, and threw some other name at me that it was inspired by. “Simple” is what it reminded me of since I had read some “Simple” stories about six months earlier. When the show was over they had a few refreshments at a table: some cheese and crackers and soda and orange juice.

I was going to talk to the kid some more. His name was Doug. He told me that a lot of people there knew him because his dad was a professor at the school, and I guess a very sociable guy with white people and had his son around them a lot. I couldn’t talk to him though because over came the two white ladies who sat next to me during the reading, and they surrounded him while he was getting refreshments and I was waiting for him to get off line. So I stood over to the side and just ate my food and looked around the room at the people. There were no intelligent black women there who met my taste so I didn’t talk to anyone. I was just waiting to talk to Doug but these ladies didn’t seem to want to leave him alone talking about college and what school was he gonna go to. It was like in the Spike Lee movie “He Got Game” with everybody being so anxious about Jesus Shuttlesworth and what college he was going to play basketball at. At one point I started feeling like these ladies were guarding him from me, the black Hip Hop guy with no education, just a thug off the street who happened to wonder into the room. I was the only one in the room who looked Hip Hop, but that’s the way I roll, and even though a little uncomfortable I repented myself to the fullest. The one lady seemed infatuated with him. She was the one who said he looked like a young man and not a kid anymore. I wouldn’t doubt if she wanted to fuck him or give him head in the near future. That is how much she seemed to be into this kid. So after standing there for 15 minutes I went over and interrupted the ladies and told Doug that I was about to go and I wished him good luck, shook his hand and left.

My daughter Janelle and my mom came and stayed with me for two weeks. It was love having my daughter around. She’s not a bad child at all. I thought I was gonna see another side of her that I couldn’t see during our weekend or day visits in Ohio, but it was just the same. She likes to play and talk and eat. She doesn’t bother shit that she is not supposed to like tapes or CDs. She also likes to watch movies. We watched Toy Story every night before she went to bed. I read her stories before she went to sleep. She wanted to take a bath every night and put her jammies on, as she calls them. At times when I didn’t feel like giving her a bath, she insisted, so I had to oblige.

I took her to Sesame Street at Madison Square Garden and she enjoyed the show. I’d take her out just about every night with me to the grocery store or where ever. We visited my friend Tilly and played drums over his house. She said she was gonna play with his cat, but when we got over there she was scared of it and crying an jumping around on the couch every time the cat got near her. I rode her over the Queen Bridge where she could see all the city lights in the sky line and she liked that a lot. You can see the city from outside my apartment in Queens and she asked me could we go over there the night I was bringing her back from Tilly’s house. I took her over there because she wasn’t sleepy and ready to go home. I rode through the Met Life Insurance building and she liked that a lot also. I took her to the FAO Swartz toy store where I thought she was gonna go crazy asking me to buy her stuff but she didn’t. She asked me to buy her this $60 Angelica sing-a-long doll which I couldn’t afford at the time. I got her a slinky and a saxophone that plays notes and songs of Sesame Street when you push the keys. I took her to walk around in Times Square where I took a few pictures of her. She didn’t complain one time that she wanted to go home, which means that she loves me and my company just as much as her mothers’. That is a good thing that has come out of me fighting in court to see her and spend as much time with her as I can. It was wonderful. I could keep her if I needed to with no problem. I had to do her hair because the braids her mom had put in her hair before she left Ohio started to frizz up like after one week. I did it pretty good too.

I used to do her hair when she’d stay with me for the weekend in Ohio, but I thought it would be different since her hair is longer, but I did pretty well. I was proud of myself. I took off work the two Fridays that she was here to spend the day with her. I took her to the Brooklyn Children’s Museum on the last Friday she was here. She didn’t like it and neither did I. It was pretty boring. She ate good while she was here: oatmeal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and mostly chicken for dinner because that is all I cook these days. I’m looking forward to her coming back to stay another two weeks with me. I may just take a week’s vacation next time I get her and drive to Atlanta or something to see my dad or maybe to Mississippi to see my folks there.

I wish I could have had a family, but I guess I’m just an unfortunate one. I ain’t trying to have no mo kidz. I’m about to try and get my balls clipped, which will mean I won’t have kidz by my wife if I ever get married. I think it is bullshit that you can fall in love and get married for practically nothing if you go to the justice of the peace. But when you want to get out of it, you have to pay $700 – $2000 in lawyer fees. You might have to pay alimony, etc. I don’t want to get caught in all that shit. And I’ve learned dealing with Victoria that a woman’s baby is her baby. A man only has rights through a court room and a judge. When it all goes bad, if you don’t have a court order in regards to your kidz, you ain’t got shit. I ain’t gonna be like stupid bitches who have three kidz by niggaz who don’t want to be bothered, trying to be humanitarians, giving birth to beautiful children. I’ve learned from this one experience and I ain’t gonna experiment again, weather it could come out good or bad. I ain’t takin’ another chance.

Jrnl Entry No. 2.29.2000

I returned home to Warren over the last weekend just for the purpose of to get some pussy. I arrived in town about 10 P.M. over to Lauren’s house. When I arrived she didn’t smile or anything. I was figuring I would probably be leaving because she was not gonna act right, have an attitude, and not want to have the good sex we usually have when we are together. I walked in the house but didn’t get comfortable because her face didn’t say get comfortable. I had my coat on still, ready to walk out the door. She said that she was tired and what not.

She started to warm up after a while. We went to the grocery store and to Walmart. When we came back we got heated up and took our clothes off. When my dick got rock hard, I told her to get her daughter’s polaroid and let’s take some pictures. She said, “what you ask for, you shall receive.” I guess she thought I was bullshitting. I like little freakish shit like that. I was naked and I told her to take a picture of me standing by the fire place with my dick pointing straight forward. After that she told me to take a picture of her. I told her to go put on some thong underwear, and she went upstairs and put on a pair. She got down on her knees with her ass facing me. She pulled up her little see-through ankle length dress or whatever it was, you could see right through it. She turned around and looked at the camera and I snapped the picture. Then she suggested that I take one of her sucking my dick. She told me to sit on a pillow on the floor, and she put the head of my dick in her mouth and closed her eyes, and I snapped the picture; it came out nice. My dick was nice and hard and thick looking in her mouth, and her eyes were shut like she was giving me the blow job of my life.

Lauren doesn’t suck my dick often. She was doing it last year, but when I left a note in her mail box and said something about her doing it, she hasn’t done it since. I like the way she sucks my dick. It was like a teasing suck, and it feels so good. The only girl who was able to make me cum sucking my dick was Rebecca. I think that Lauren could accomplish that also if we work on it. I used to eat her pussy all the time when we first started out, but she says she didn’t like it so I stopped. Lauren and I have the best sex ever. My dick gets so hard for her. I love cuming in her pussy doggie style and with her on top. You should hear me, it sounds like I’m dying when I cum in that ass. She makes me just want to holla.

After I took the picture of her sucking my dick, I got behind her and stuck my dick in her pussy with her thong still on. I snapped a picture with the head of my dick in her pussy from the back. That was a nice picture also with her big ass up in the air in a thong, with my dick sliding the thong over a little to penetrate the pussy. I then took off her panties and snapped a picture with my dick going in from behind. After that we made love. I finished on top of her palming her as in my hands and busting a nice wet warm nut in her pussy. After that I got up and the cum rolled out of her pussy. She was lying there with her legs open. You could see the cum between her legs. I snapped a picture of her lying there. Then she got up and stood by the fire place sideways so that I could see the curb of her ass. She put her hands on her hips and I snapped another picture. We were all out of film after that. We started to watch a movie and we fell asleep naked in each other’s arms.

I’ve talked about Lauren before in the past and stated how good her pussy is to me and how we were in love until she found out I was having some kind of relations with Rebecca. She was right for getting rid of me. I was having a relationship with her and Rebecca. That was a great sexual time in my life. I’ve already talked about that also. I tried coming back into Lauren life after that, and she would let me back in partially. We would have great sex and maybe go out a couple of times, and then she would start doggin’ me, and I would leave her alone. We have went on like this for at least three years. I’ve tried to get back with her but she just dogged me. I hurt her trust I guess. This time around it seems like she is over that and she has been acting nice and we have been getting along better than any of the past times when I came back into her life.

Last year around this time, I had premature thoughts of marrying Lauren. I was seriously thinking about being with her and taking her to N.Y. with me and we would live happily ever after. But after one time of us being together after I said that, I didn’t feel the same. I saw that my love had changed for her and through all the doggin’ me when I was seriously trying to get back with her, my love for her was gone and lost. I told that I didn’t feel the same about her as I used to, and that we shouldn’t see each other. And I proceeded to move forward with my relationship with Sausha. But now since Lauren and I have been back together, it’s been good. My heart is still a little hardened toward her, but just like I fell in love with her before because when I first met her, I didn’t like; as we spent more time together, I fell in love with her. She has plans on moving to Virginia this summer. If I let her move there, we will never come together.

Lauren and I have had lots of fun together like the time when we went to Freak-Nik. We went to some club and I was freaking her on the dance floor. After the club was over, we went out to the car and fucked right in the parking lot. The one year when went to Vels on the Circle in Cleveland for New Years, and she had on this black long satin night gown type dress, and I was freaking her that night. I used to like to go places where nobody knew us and just get nasty on the floor. I like doing things like that. I have an exotic type mind. I think most people say they wouldn’t like a stripper to be their girl, but I think I would love it. I would even probably like my girl to be in porn film. I think I would be turned on by it. Like when Rebecca and I used to have threesomes with Mitchell and Tracey, I liked that shit.

I think Lauren has that type of mind also. She likes to fuck in front of a mirror and look as we are doing it. She once mentioned about having sex with two guys, but we never really discussed it. I think that is partly why we would make a good couple. We have fun together in bed, out at clubs, etc. And besides the stretch marks, I think I have mentioned this before, Lauren has the greatest ass I have ever stuck my dick into. I love the shape of her body in the clothes she wears. Bottom line is that Lauren turns me on and that is what I want in a wife. I have not been turned on by anyone like she turns me on. And now I have these pictures at my apartment and I have been looking at them every day, and thinking to myself, “how can I let this ass go, look at it.” She has the type of ass that guys love to fuck. It’s nice and round and plump.

I know I said that I really don’t want to be with a woman with three kidz, and that is not the real problem. The problem with the kidz issue that I have with Sausha is that her kidz are little and need baby sitters and shit. Lauren’s kidz are 14, 9, and 7. They can basically watch themselves. Sausha has no steady job and she wants to go to school. Lauren works as an assistant manager of bookkeeping. She is more stable in her life and can help me better to take care of her kidz than Sausha can.

I have to realize what’s important to me. Financial stability is important, sex is important, and good times are important. With Lauren bringing in some income, I don’t know how much, and with my budgeting skills, we will probably be alright. With our sex life, we should be all right. With our ability to go out and have a good time together, we should be alright. I believe we can be great friends and great lovers. I don’t know how I will be as a step-father though. Her kidz like me so I shouldn’t have a problem with them. They are passed the brat stage unlike Sausha’s youngest son Rykell. I still don’t like him. He will probably turn out to be a good kid too.

Lauren has forgotten about the past she says, and feels that we can get along. I haven’t forgotten how she was doggin’ me all those years, but I will get over it especially with all that ass in my face every night. She won my heart the first time, so I’ll see if she can do it again. If she does, we will get married later like when the kidz are grown and out the house, when she will be truly mine. If I can’t hold her off that long, I guess I’ll give in. I’m looking forward to being with her and us making a life together, and doing it like we used to. I guess it’s meant to be, otherwise, I would have been left her lone. Rhonda is not for me. She has a time and place for everything attitude that I don’t have. I will fuck in the middle of the grocery store aisle if it wasn’t against the law. Sausha has some of what I want, and some things I don’t. She says she is ready to be free now. Lauren has passed her up in the freedom department with the nude photos. Sausha says she would only do that if she was married, and I have a feeling even then that she would be stiff with it. Sausha has a lot to learn, and I don’t have time to teach it to her. I love Sausha but I’m ready for what Lauren has to offer me.

Jrnl Entry No. 2.10.2000

I do not like a woman who is not ambitious and adventurous. Why do I say this you wonder, just out the blue huh? Well last night I was talking to Rhonda on the phone and she was talking about coming to see me in like April, and she was talking about how I would still be working. She said she wouldn’t go anywhere by herself even if I gave her directions because she is a woman, and I guess women aren’t strong enough to find their way out on their own for the first time in NYC by themselves. That right there told me that she and N.Y. would not get along because she would be afraid to move anywhere. I already got a feeling that she thinks she is too clean to ride the train. So I gues that ends my thoughts of being with her soon.

I have sort of come to the conclusion that I should leave Ohio in Ohio and start a new New York life on a search for a New York wife. I feel that I love Sausha and could live with her, but bringing her three kidz and her to New York will not work out especially how I’m tryin’ to live. I want us to work and not depend on the system for anything. She is used to depending on the system. She works from time to time, and at times she doesn’t work because she knows that she has the system there to back her up. Really she needs the system to back her up with three kidz and no father present. I don’t think she would ever be able to make it here in N.Y. unless she worked two, three jobs and was tired and frustrated all the time. I don’t want my life to be that way. So I think I am going to tell her that I live her, but her moving here would be a big burden on my shoulders that I am not trying to carry right now.

I’ll probably keep talking to Rhonda to see what she wants to do, which will probably be nothing. I know for a fact that once she actually sees this place, she will never be willing to move her and her daughter here. And I think that Rhonda and I have known each other too long and feel that we can say anything to each other, get smart with each other and that is O.K. Like last night I asked her did she have the Genuine CD, and she said, “no, should I?” Now I was saying to myself that smart remark was totally uncalled for. Her and I talk cool when we are not really tryin’ to get together. I guess it’s only meant for us to be friends. I mean I’ve had her clothes off three times in my lifetime and my dick didn’t get hard either time. Yeah, I’ll just take my time with her, and I’m gonna tell Sausha that I want to take my time with her also, and which ever works out works out. If neither works out that will be fine also.

I will keep my eyes open on the New York Streets for something beautiful coming my way. I was going to go to this talent show at this college to try and meet a girl. But I said forget it because like I’ve said before, it’s time to move from the twenty one to twenty three year olds and move toward the twenty six to twenty eight year olds; a sexy young beautiful thang my age; a real woman, doing real things you know.

I’m seriously thinking about just taking Sausha in. I can’t stop thinking about her. At this point in our lives we would probably get along the best. Maybe I should sacrifice being selfish for what I want and really give her the push that she needs to be the woman that she wants to be. I know she is willing to work. She is not gonna leave me hangin’ takin care of her kidz. She tries to satisfy me. I can tell that someone like Rhonda will have attitudes sometimes and be like fuck me. I don’t think she will let me fuck half the time that I want to. Like she said on the phone one day, she ain’t gonna be lettin’ no man abuse her body. And I think that she is already set in her ways and got things she won’t do. See with Sausha she will be getting set in her ways with me, not without me.

Rhonda is set in her ways without me. She will have to learn to satisfy me, and from her attitude just by talkin’ to her, she doesn’t seem too concerned with learning to satisfy a man. She is playing hard like she doesn’t care about a man right now. I mean after I told her that I think about her a lot, and that I would like to try and work on a relationship with her, she really gave me no response. She hasn’t been thinkin’ about me. She’s tryin’ to be all cool like “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” I don’t think Rhonda will ever get to the point of loving me like I want a woman to love me. She has probably been through it all with Parker, and now she is hardcore. This nigga had kidz while she was still with him, and bitches knockin’ at his door while she was there. So now she has a hard heart. I ain’t got time to be tryin’ to soften her heart.

You know really, I don’t know what I want to do. That is what I will tell Sausha is that I don’t know what to do. I just can’t rush into her and the kidz moving here and how we are gonna make it together. She should understand that; after all, they ain’t my kidz.

It’s the next day and I went to the talent show at Adelphi University in Long Island. There are a lot of good looking girls at Adelphi. I met up with Silvia, a girl I met there once before. She called me once but never again because she says she lost my number. I told her she stopped calling because I told her I had a daughter. She seems like she would be a lot of fun. She likes to dance. Every time I looked she was on the dance floor. She is also beautiful, to me that is. You know many people have many versions of what beautiful is. She is thick like I like. There is one problem with thickness; thickness can never have a kid because it is already on the verge of fat, and a baby will just blow that verge to being light weigh obese, and I can’t deal with obesity.

I also met this girl who says she is about to graduate and is going to graduate school because she wants to make six figures. I hope she is getting some job experience to go with all these degrees that she is trying to get. It is a whole different world out here than anyone can imagine. I’m finding that out now that I am living on my own. Maybe with an MBA in hand, she can make six figures. I don’t really like her, but I think it will be nice to talk to someone who has some real traditional plans for success not dreams like I have, and dreams like Latonia has of becoming a famous choreographer.

Today I’m going to get a view of Big Pun’s body in the Bronx. He had madd skills like an MC is supposed to. I liked him. He had a very good first album that sold platinum. His new album will probably be on some bullshit because the whole Hip Hop world is on some bullshit now tryin’ to sell a bunch of records. White people control the world, and they are controlling the Hip Hop world as well. Maybe this is not the case but I know the Hip Hop I’ve been hearing lately is not impressing me.

Swiss Beats is a good producer, but he is staying within a niche, which I hate it when producers do that; the same with DJ Premier. Everybody thinks he is like the Hip Hop producer God. He uses the same formula for everyone’s songs that he do. Sample a noise two, three times and flip the sample back and forth in a musical way over a hardcore beat. I applaud Swiss Beats for being original, be he really is not being original because it sounds like each new song is a sample of the last one.

MCs are watering down their lyrics like DMX, screaming and hollering about the same ole shit. Jay Z just free styles on the mic and he sounds like it. I’ve said it before that his first album was the best lyrically; classic lyrics! He sales two million right out the box so he doesn’t care anymore, and got the nerve to be sayin’ on some song I heard that he is still hungry. Pharoah Monch, now that is a hungry MC. He gets second runner up for best album of the year, The Roots get first both for their album and the live album.

Big Pun’s first album was a great of all time; not because he is dead, or because it went platinum, but simply because it just was. It was a real Hip Hop album mixed with a little bit of mass appeal, but not enough to distort it. For example: Busta Rhymes album “Extinction Level Event”. At the first listen I was sick with all the songs he had on it to try and grab mass appeal. He had all those bounce and party songs on it, and Bone Thugs and Harmony rap alike songs, I didn’t want to hear it again. One bounce song I can do with, but he had two or three too many. And for what? The album only sold as much as the one with “Put Your Handz Where My Eyes Can See” did, which had no bounce songs on it.

I seen Darren Lighty’s name on a song of Will Smith’s album with Kay Gee of Naughty By Nature. My frat brother says he lives next door to him. Darren could be my key to becoming a producer for real. But I bet you Cultcher is just gonna bullshit me. He probably will never talk to Darren and give him that tape I sent him, and that is even if does live next door to him. I’ll see.

Living here for seven months, I’ve discovered that New York is bullshit. You can never make enough money in this bitch. Your car gets all scratched up on the street somehow. I’m accumulating scratches little by little. You can’t drive anywhere during the day because of traffic and cabs and shit. Any outing that you may want to partake in is gonna cost you thirty to forty dollars. The bitches are bullshit: either they got a boyfriend, they scared to get to know you, or they just ignore you when you try and talk to them. They are nice to look at, but they won’t even let you get close enough in trying to get to know them to kiss em let alone fuck. Most black women in the city are busted, wearing weave thinkin’ they are cute when all they really got is a big ass and maybe tidies to go with it. But yet in still, I can’t return back to Warren, OH. If I move to Atlanta that will be too far away from my daughter. I want to maintain a relationship with her. Hell, her mom may move in a couple of years. I’ll wait and see.

I’m too timid to talk to people when I see em about me being a producer. I got to break myself from that and just start kickin’ it to whoever when I get the opportunity. I had the opportunity to talk to Biz, Lord Finesse, Grand Puba, Red Alert, U-God, Kool Keith, Big Kap; and I didn’t take advantage of none of those opportunities.

I really don’t know what I am going to do about a woman, about my money situation, about my music. I’m not confused on these subjects. It’s just that things aren’t going the way, even half the way I planned them. Then again, I didn’t plan anything really. I just moved hoping something would fall into place. Thing haven’t fallen into place, nor are about to fall apart, but the thread is coming out of the seam.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.6.2000

Now Lauren talked to me last night on some ole love shit. Now I like Lauren a lot but I don’t think I really love her. Like her mother said I just really love her ass and how unbelievable it looks when I hit it doggy style, and how it bounces when she rides my dick. I grab it and just bust a big ole nice and warm nut right in her ass with no worries of a baby resulting from it all. No worries about kidz because she has three. Now once again Lauren is a nice girl just like Sausha but with better pussy. But I am trying to make a commitment to myself that I will not take three kidz of other men or a man and make them mine in my household. Doing that shit will be expensive and none of the hoes I know with three kidz have spectacular jobs to help me get what I want out of life. Now I will try and hold steadfast to this commitment of mine but once I get that ass into view with my dick going in and out of it, I may just change my mind, but I doubt it.

Lauren does have the body and pussy that would keep me happy for a long time in life, but I don’t want to live my life like that. I could live my life with Lauren but it’s the kidz that I can’t live with. I don’t like them and the way they look and the way she dresses them. They are just not cute to me. It was just the opposite with Sausha. I liked her kidz all except Rykell whom one day I would have eventually ended up hurting really bad and probably going to jail. Because of that fact and the fact that Sausha’s pussy wasn’t all that great, led me to break that off. Sausha’s pussy was good when I was in it but it didn’t stay on my mind like Lauren’s or Rebecca’s.

So it all breaks down to be fucked up like this. Lauren has good pussy that I love, she is sexy like I like my woman to be, but her kidz are in the way of us connecting in full. Rebecca has good pussy and good dick sucking lips that make me come right in her mouth from time to time, but she is a whore who will fuck you if you just ask. Plus Rebecca has two kidz now and she is fat, and she is white, which I really don’t want to be with a white girl. Well, change that, Rebecca doesn’t have the style and grace of a white girl that I would be with.

Take Caroline here at work for example. I love the way she dresses and carries herself. I could probably get along with her. But fuck her too, and this is why I say fuck white girls and other people of other races. While I’m here talking about how sexy Caroline is and how she dresses, do you think that hoe has ever had a sexual thought about me, or ever commented to herself in her mind about my looks? I don’t think so, but I could be wrong, but I think I’m right; but back to the subject.

Sausha has three kidz, her pussy is not to die for, and she is sexy and stylish less than half the time. The two black girls have the most kidz and no good paying job skills. The white bitch has good paying job skillz as a para-legal. She is one step from becoming a lawyer. And these are the three main bitches I have been dealing with for the last six or seven years.

I am here in New York City and can’t get a date for a million bucks; well, if I had a million bucks, sure I could get a date. It’s fucked up in this city that all these people live here, but people are so full of mis-trust, that no one will take a chance and meet someone, give them their phone number and get to know them. I have spoken to about thirty girls in the last two weeks, and haven’t spoken to one of them again after they left my presence. They won’t call you, and they won’t give you their number so that you can call them. So I’m stuck without a hoe for the first time in a long time.

I’m going home this weekend to stick some dick to Lauren and maybe Sausha. I got to travel four hundred miles to get some pussy. I may as well be paying hookers to fuck me. I have been thinking about getting serious with Rhonda, but she works at some job without a glorious title and she works in retail at Marshalls; neither of these jobz can she transfer to New York. She may be making some money at her other job and probably could find the same job title here in N.Y. I don’t know. But then there is her son. Who is gonna baby sit him when we want to go out somewhere and that type of thing. And another thing about Rhonda is I don’t have a clue what her pussy is like, if she will suck a dick or not, how she works it, etc. Those things are important to me and I need to know these things before she starts coming here and shit like that. But I can’t find that out because she lives with her mamma.

As you notice, all these bitches have kidz and they are stuck back in Ohio. I don’t know about transporting no bitch and her kidz to this city. I think it will only end with them bitches going right back to Ohio because of me or because of themselves. Their kidz are in the way, which goes along with my theory of why you shouldn’t have kidz until you are settled and married and where you want to be and are going to stay.

So my love life is all fucked up. I need a new relationship; brand new with someone I know nothing about; who has no kidz or maybe just one like I have because I seriously don’t want to have another one even in marriage. I need to be searching for a way to get into this production game like I been trying to get at these hoes the last two weeks. That is where all this energy I have wasted talking to these hoes needed to go. Makes me say Hmmm!

Jrnl Entry No.12.27.1999

Back off of the Christmas weekend. I spent the whole weekend in N.Y. Friday I went and did some shopping at this mall in Jersey that I knew how to get to compliments of Melonie. I had a $50 gift certificate at The Gap given to me by my supervisor for Christmas. I wouldn’t have been able to drive in Manhattan and park my car during the day so I figured I’d go to Jersey to a mall and maybe shout at some honeys.

While in the Gap I saw this beautiful little honey walk in. She was short and petite. She had braids in her hair, but they were in a bun. Now you know how I talk about weave and braids, that I don’t like them, but she had that face that just struck me as unique and beautiful. I gave her a second look and decided that I’d talk to her. I got on line to buy my two shirts. After I made the purchase, I went looking for her. She was in line standing by herself. So I starts walking toward her and I’m looking at her. She gave me a glance, and I walked on by being scared you know. But then I circle back and walks up and starts talking to her; getting the usual info: name, age, etc. She was twenty six. I was like thank god because I keep running into 22 yr olds. Some how I asked the kill yourself question of did she have a boyfriend. She said yes. I talked to her about a minute more and then went about my way, biding her a nice day, and a “it was nice meeting you.”

I figure I’d walk around the mall some more and see what I could see. At this one particular time I seen this girl and she struck me because her face looked sexy; make-up well done, not too much, not too little. As I was looking at her she licked her lips and that struck a nerve. I was walking in the opposite direction. I didn’t even think, I just grabbed her. I kind of shocked her. We talked for a minute, and I got the info that she was 22 working for an advertising agency in Manhattan. She graduated from college, and that she already had someone sticking dick to her on a regular. I started walking around some more. I really didn’t see too many girls that I wanted to talk to after that so I started looking for the exit that I entered into, which I couldn’t find for like an hour.

When I left the mall, I stopped over Melonie’s house, but she wasn’t home. I then returned home. I went out to Club Speed. I saw about three or four girls in there that I wanted to talk to. There was this bad, body bangin’, sexy ass woman in there that I approached. She was West Indian I guess. She had a heavy accent. She was bullshitting me. First she told me that she was 28 then 30. She told me she was a cop in N.Y. Then she told me that she lived in Jamaica. I said “Jamaica, Queens?” She said, “no, Jamaica.” So I says you just told me you were a cop in N.Y. She burst out laughing. I asked her why she was trying to bullshit me? She got around to telling me that she was just at the club with her friend and wasn’t trying to meet anyone. She was telling me how the guys in that club had no class. They come and grab and touch on you out of the blue. I asked her how was my class rating? She said it was excellent, but she wasn’t interested in getting to know me better. After her I talked to another girl I had spotted earlier and she turned me down with the “I have a boyfriend line.” I went home.

Oh, I saw Melonie in the club and she was looking sexy. She danced with me and I asked her why had she been avoiding me? She said she wasn’t. She stopped dancing with me to go to the bathroom, and told me to wait there and she’d be back. She grabbed her friend and left. I said to myself, “if she is just goin’ to the bathroom, why did she take her girl with her?” I figured she wasn’t coming back. I waited there like 10 minutes and then walked away. I spotted her on the other side of the club. I didn’t look at her though. I could see her out the corner of my eye. I just stood there and waited to see if she was going to come up to me. She didn’t. So I was like fuck her then. I seen her a little while later by the area where she told me to wait for her. I said, “so you back from the bathroom now?” She said yes, and I just kept on walking.

As I was on my way home, I was thinking about Melonie, how I could probably get into her because I love a sexy woman. I called her when I got home and told her it was nice to see her , and I told her to call me tomorrow. She called and we had a cool little conversation as she was on her way to her mom’s house for dinner. I called her the next day and left a message on her answering machine that I wanted to see her that day. She never called back, so now I’m pretty much like fuck her again. At first it seemed like she was all on my nuts and ready to jump into this relationship. Now, it’s like she’s playing this game. And you know how I don’t tolerate games. So like I told myself, she has until New Years. If I am not fucking by New Years or close to it, she is dropped. I ain’t got time to be chasing after some pussy.

Me, Ricardo and Kenny went and hung out that Sunday. I thought these cats wanted to go to a club and chill. No, they wanted to ride around all night from club to club and catch the hoes going inside.

Excuse my language, I very much respect ladies, but when I’m writing or talking with my niggaz, I ain’t got time to sound politically correct, so fuck you and your thoughts of that is how I view women. I love women, especially those who love me back.

But any way we rode by The Tunnel and seen a couple of hot girls going inside. Around there is really no place to stop your car because the cops swarm the place. They didn’t really want to get out of the car because they were talking about how niggaz try to rob you. We rode around The Tunnel like three times and then headed for CLUB NEW YORK. Now, Club N.Y was off the hook, line outside and plenty of sexy fine asses walking up and down the street, especially after they announced that it would cost $50 – $150 to get in.

I was having like the time of my life out there. I must have hollered at about six girls, and no one really gave me any rhythm. This one girl, I gave her my number after joking with her for a while. I doubt if she will call though. We out there like for two three hours. Now Kenny and Ricardo were hollering at hoes from my car window expecting girls to stand there in the cold and talk to them. I told them no one is going to talk to you that way. So Ron and I started walking toward the line. I talked to a few girls on my way there, while I was in line, while we were walking away, when we got back to the car and honeys were walking toward the club. I was talking to every girl that I liked something about. That’s another thing I love about this city; the women, even though most won’t give you a number and let you call and get to know them, it is just beautiful to see so many of them on a regular basis when a club spot is hoppin’ off. I had big fun last night just talking with various young ladies and getting nothing back. I don’t know if it’s a good thing to be seeing so many nice shaped asses right in front of your face, when you jump at the chance to get to know them, they turn you down.

Well Caroline, the 30 year old woman at work who is dating a 23 year old young man, she got engaged to him on Christmas. She keeps herself tight and I would probably marry her also. She is a fine woman. She came into work telling her story this morning and everyone was listening. I wonder how Sheila feels with her four kidz not being married at age 32. I tell you black people are so backwards. I bet she feels like shit because I think she is with the guy who she just had her last baby by and he probably ain’t thinking about marrying her, ain’t even mentioned it. He’s just enjoying that tube tyed ass for the moment. And maybe he will marry her I don’t know. See Sheila is like Sausha. But she has four kidz. She looks beautiful on occasions. She is a very beautiful woman: natural long pretty black hair, nice big ass with a gut to go with it compliments of her kidz. She comes to work with her hair done about once a month. Her gear for the most part is cheesy and cheap because she can’t afford anything better with four kidz.

Now Caroline who has no kidz, she is like sexy everyday like I like it. I just look at Sheila sometimes and say to myself, “look at this stupid bitch with all these kidz.” I don’t feel sorry for her at all. She made the decision to be a humanitarian and have all them damn kidz, so that is her problem. If she didn’t have so many kidz or just one, maybe she’d be married by now or close to it. I don’t know what women be thinkin’ when they have kidz without a ring on there hand. It baffles me every time I think about it.

Now take Caroline for example. She is fine, and I know someone probably busted some nuts in that ass and got it pregnant, or maybe, just maybe she has been good with her birth control method or methods all these years. Whatever the case, she has kept herself beautiful and kidless, and now she will get married have kidz and probably live happily ever after. And in the end, if she gets a divorce and is left with a kid, I don’t think her husband will abandon his kidz and even if he does at least she can say she tried to make it work the right way in a union with someone.

What can a single bitch say when she has two or three kidz; nothing but “I was stupid.” And single mothers hurt themselves as well as the man who tries to stick around and at least be involved in his childs life. They hurt themselves because they are less mobile now with a child to think about, and probably less attractive to some men. They hurt the father of the child by taking a good portion of his money that he could be buying a home with or saving for retirement, or just enjoying life with. So single parenting hurts everyone involved in some way, even the child. But humanitarians will be what they are, willing to sacrifice a good portion of their life for a life that they are not well prepared to take care of. STUPID!

And speaking on this marriage subject, let us talk about Darry. Now I met Darry here at work. He was cool. He has a girlfriend he had been with for three years. She was pregnant when I met him. He had mentioned that he was going to marry her. But then all of sudden he comes to work talking about he was getting married next month. Now something don’t sound right to me. He’s acting like it was a union that was bound to happen someday anyway. But I think that nigga was forced to marry her a little early by her parents and/or his. He don’t even have a place for them to stay. Now if I’m gonna get married, I damn sure am going to have a place for me and my wife and kid to be born to stay. This nigga was giving me a speech on not talking to anyone I won’t consider marrying. This nigga trys to talk all mature like he had all the answers. His girl mentioned that to me one day how he talks like a father figure. I see what she meant the minute he started talking that shit to me and I am older than he is. I guess it’s a Aries thing to try and be more mature than you really are, and look and talk to everyone else like they are a kid. Lauren used to try that “you ain’t ready for me” shit and Victoria used to always talk and laugh about shit I like to do like it was immature. I had to tell her “yeah, I’m so immature but you trying to get your college degree, a job, an apartment or house and car. I got all this, but I’m immature.”

Yeah, I think that nigga Darry just trying not to have his child be born out of wed-lock. Maybe he did it on his own or was forced. Whatever the case, I don’t think he is really ready to be married. He is convincing himself that he is.

I made a bangin’ track on Christmas night. I have made three songs in the last three weeks. There is something about my production that I don’t like, and then there is something bout it that I do like. I seen RED ALERT last night. I was going to talk to him but he had an entourage of niggaz standing around him. I had made a new tape to hand out last night. I was talking to this white girl named Olga. She was telling me her boyfriend was an engineer in Hip Hop. I ended up giving her my tape. She said her boyfriend doesn’t even listen to tapes. I told her to listen to it and if she likes it to give it to him. It probably won’t result in anything. I was thinking that I shouldn’t have given her my tape in the first place, but oh well.

I’m here at work and no bosses will be here until like Thursday. I have a little work to do but I’ll probably write my thoughts like these all week. Sausha sent me a letter talking about how I didn’t really love her. I am searching for perfection and nothing is perfect. She says that she can’t be as beautiful as I would like her to be right now but one day she will be. And that is exactly my point. I don’t have time to wait on you because your life is fucked up compliments of your three kidz by the same daddy who is in jail. By the time you get your life together, I hope to be completely happy, not just starting to be happy with you after some years of suffering and sacrificing for your kidz. I love her but I can’t do it. I’m broke, she broke, and we can’t help each other. I need to be in unison with someone who can bring more than just sex and a companionship to the table. I’m realizing that now, and that is what I’m going for.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.16.1999

So Melonie is wack. We went to the movies and seen Sleepy Hollow, some shit I would not have viewed in my lifetime if I hadn’t gone with her. We gets back from the movies to her apartment at a quarter to twelve because she didn’t know how to get home from the movies, which kind of pissed me off. When we reach her apartment, she makes me walk her to her door, which I wasn’t gonna do since since she wasn’t inviting me to her apartment. I gets home and calls her and she puts on this sleepy act. My whole drive home I was contemplating if I should call her or not. I decided to call to let her know I’d gotten home like she asked me to.

I didn’t talk to her Saturday because I had something to do. I calls her Sunday and ask would she like some company and she turned me down. So I’m saying to myself that was strike number two she has one more strike and she is outta here. I didn’t call her for two days after that because I was pissed at being turned down to spend time with her. I mean how am I supposed to get the panties down if they ain’t in my view or arms reach. So I calls her on Wednesday morning and leaves a message on her answering machine that I was thinking about her since I hadn’t talked to her, and that I would like to see her, and I suggested that maybe she come to my house. At about 7 P.M. that night I gets a call from her saying that she had just come from work, and that she was on her way to a skin care party so she wouldn’t be coming over my house. She said that I needed to give a couple of days notices to get together with her. I told her that I was not a give notice kind of guy.

And now all this is telling me is that this bitch is too busy to have a man. She has work and class. She doesn’t like to hook up during the week, which as I mentioned before is not a good thing. And I’m also thinking that she needs all this notice because she has to tell her other man she is doing something else. That bitch was probably going to get fucked last night and just made up that shit about the skin care party. Whatever the case, I’m like fuck her.

I gave her three chances to hook up with me, and she blew em. So I ain’t calling her any more so if she wants to hook up, its all gonna be on her to come to my house, to pay for the date or whatever, and then I might just turn her down. I hate bitches who play games, and that is all she has been doing, trying to play all innocent like and lady like: bitch is probably the biggest little hoe I’ve known since Rebecca.

I’ve told Romania at work that I like her and would like to talk to her outside of work. She said that she would think about that. That was two days ago and I haven’t heard anything from her. She can call me because she knows my extension or has access to it.

Bitches are so phony I swear. If they like you and are really attracted to you they show it. If they are not all that attracted to you, they try and make you do all this work and shit. I ain’t doin no work for no hoe. And then even if they are attracted to you, they still play games. The only game a bitch is gonna play with me is solitaire by her damn self.

Sausha has been calling me. She called me Monday and Wednesday talking like we were still together and she was over her problem with me. But I decided when I left her house that Sunday that I was through with her. I’ve said time and again that I love her and that she is a very nice girl, but her and her situation are not for me. And we have differences that in the long run would have killed the relationship anyway.

Lauren wrote me a letter that I received in the mail after I dicked her down real good on Saturday night. She was talking about why do we continue to hook up. Do we really love each other? And if we do, why aren’t we together as a family. SHEEIT! As many times as I tried to go back to her after we broke up and make things right, and all she did was play games because she had Jamelle dickin’ her down. Now I guess that nigga ain’t nowhere in sight and she wants to start talkin’ nice to me again. I don’t even feel love for her anymore. She is just a piece of good ass that I never know when I stick my dick in it. I wasn’t planning on fucking her Saturday night but it happened that way. I’ll fuck I guess until we have our next argument because she definitely can not be my wife like I thought she could have been in the past. I think I was just blinded by the lust of being able to bust a nut in her pussy and her sexy body and the way she works her ass when I fuck her.

I promise myself not to get involved with anyone who has three kidz. I can’t afford it. Them hoes shouldn’t have had all them kidz trying to be humanitarians without the fathers in it for sure. Now they stuck suffering the consequences, and I ain’t gonna be stuck with em.

I seen this girl I would have liked to get to know at The LaBar Bat on Tuesday night. She had a bad ass body, a cute face, and from her sheet of credentials being read because it was a fashion show, it sounded like she had some nice plans. I didn’t talk to her though.

From now on down if I see a bitch that I think I like, I’m just gonna talk to her and say the first words that come to mind. A bitch should know that when you ask her for her name that you are interested in getting to know her. So It’s either she is gonna want to get to know you also or she is not no matter what you say. Fuck all this holding back shit because bitches out here are desperate to meet a nice man anyway. That is what half of them are there for, to have someone talk to them. From now on its no holds bard on these hoes.