Jrnl Entry No. 6.17.2004

So, I’m still stuck here not knowing what to fuck to do with myself. I had an interview the other day but I don’t think anything is gonna become of it. I actually interviewed with the company last year and they didn’t hire me. The guy went through the interview with me rather quickly. I got there late because there was a problem with the trains. I got to the train station at 8:20 A.M. and the train didn’t arrive until 8:55 A.M. and the interview was at 9 A.M. I called and let him know there was trouble with the train but that is a common excuse around New York City and employers probably think it is bullshit unless they actually call and check the train line themselves. I wrote him in my thank you letter that since this is the second time he has called me in to interview within a year, I’d be willing to work for him on a trial basis for a reasonable rate; however, I don’t think he is trying to hear it. They probably don’t have any blacks on the accounting team.

I have this little business plan that I wrote for a record label to put out my own albums but I don’t have a team to help me with the shit. I don’t know if I can get anybody to come on board to help me, being that I don’t think I am the illest rapper alive, and I don’t know how somebody else will feel about my skill. If they don’t believe in the product, they are not gonna work hard to promote it. I’ve applied for a few assistant manager jobs online and haven’t heard anything. I put out applications a few months ago and haven’t heard anything. I’m not having any luck. My daughter is here in New York with me. I can’t buy her shit or take her anywhere. I feel like my car is about to break down any day now because the alternator belt is squeaking. 

Watrina has bought her a new 2001 Ford Explorer to put more of a dent into her income. I’m trying to get to the studio to start recording my album but I have no money for that. I’m just stuck right now and everybody is looking at me like “what you gon’ do” Even Watrina, though she is trying to be so cool about it, is looking at me to do something. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I’m applying for accounting jobs and getting nothing; I’m applying for part time jobs and also getting nothing; I’m doing what I know how to do and nothing is coming my way. I’m hoping that I hit the mega 
millions lottery. Watrina, who never plays the lottery has even started buying Mega Millions Lotto tickets so I know something is wrong.

All this week, I’ve done nothing but come home from running and sleep all day. I think I’m missing a nutrient that I need for energy being that I cut rice, pasta and potatoes out of my diet. I’m trying to maintain my weight and young looks. I guess it’s working because last week at the Costco grocery store, this gay guy saw my bran on my arm and asked me when I was going to graduate from college and that I looked 19. I told him I’m goin on — and he didn’t believe me. I’m gonna try to use that to my advantage in the next ten years with this music shit being a rapper on my label. The only problem I have with that is I have out grown the baggy pants and big shirts dress code. I don’t want to dress like that anymore. I guess maybe I could try to set a new trend amongst the young. But even Jay Z said “Crisp pair of jeans, nigga button up” and the younger kids still wear baggy jeans and ridiculously over-sized T-Shirts. Even still, I think the young kids like him.

All I got left after this accounting shit, that seems to be coming to an end, is this rapper/label dream. I thought about going back to school, but I’m only doing that if I get another accounting job. I’m not about to put myself in major debt and I ain’t even working in my field. How can I increase my status as an accountant and increase my salary when I don’t have a job to begin with. Watrina wants me to look for a sample room for her but she doesn’t understand that I am not interested in it. She needs to get a college student to do that shit. All I can help with is marketing and promotion ideas and accounting, and maybe fashion shows in some way; anything else, she is gonna have to probably find someone else to do it.

I’m bored as shit. I’m also tired of wishing I had a different life of parties and events to attend and many friends, genuine or fake. Right now, no one calls me. I have nowhere to go on the weekends unless I just go somewhere and find a few people that I do hang out with. Other than that, no one thinks two shits about me. I don’t have a cell phone readily accessible and maybe that is why no one contacts me. I’m a social nobody, which is why sometimes I go a few weeks without going out because when I do go out no one knows me or cares to know me. I thought about trying to change that by just talking to people but I tried that once before and it really didn’t lead to any significant change in my social life, just a few people to say hello to when I see them out, but not really anyone inviting me to any hype parties or anyone helping me get on as a music producer.

I haven’t been really trying to network about my music since the winter time. I’m just not the one to be playing myself calling mutha fuckaz who seem like they ain’t interested in my calls. Everybody say that everybody else is busy so you have to keep calling, but it just ain’t me. I try to change my attitude about it but I always revert back to my pride and don’t call. In some ways I think that attitude is holding me back in accomplishing my dreams. I’m not out there enough, meeting enough people and calling and networking with enough people. So I don’t know. I feel that little by little, this dream of mine is diminishing. After it is gone, there will be nothing to live for especially if I don’t have a nice job in accounting. I can’t live up under Watrina forever. It’s been cool for the last year but to be like this forever is not the move. She says I just need a job to help pay the electric bill. Hell, I need more income than that in my life. I’m trying to stay sane. I guess it is not hard staying sane because I don’t have a lot of friends encouraging me to do anything stupid like sell drugs, rob a bank, or smoke drugs. I smoked some weed when I was in Ohio with Tracey because, “Why not,” I ain’t working, no one wants to drug test me and no one probably will want to drug test me because no one is gonna want to hire me. I guess sleeping during the day is my drug. I’m just lazing around wasting time. I wish I could be out making business moves but I don’t know how. I don’t know the first move to make. I got my rendition of a business plan, now what? 

Like I was watching the Wayans on Oprah, and I was wondering about how they got started, what was the first move they made. They developed movie and comedy ideas, but what did they do after they had the initial ideas, where did they take them to. That is my cross road. I have the product, now what, 
where do I take it to. I tried networking in the clubs with my beats but that brought me nothing. I don’t know where to go, who to call. No matter how hard I think, I come up with ZERO! This is my life, I guess that is living if you can think about what move to make, you have something on your mind driving your brain power, that is living I guess. I wish I could live differently, but if nothing different comes along soon, I guess I will keep on living. Fuck it.

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