Jrnl Entry No. 37 1.13.2001

HIP HOP, I am so frustrated with you right now and direction you have taken for a good cause, but in the process, you have destroyed the essence and rawness of the music that once lived through Big Daddy Kane, Kool G Rap, KRSONE, Rakim. The cause which you have pursued is money, and money is being made, by god, it is being made by the millions. records are selling double platinum, quadruple platinum, but something is definitely lacking for us old Public Enemy lovers. One, the lyrics are sagging with laziness all over each new release of an album battling for a top spot on the charts.

MCs are making shameful quotes such as “I don’t write my rhymes down. I just make up the song in the sound booth to the beat as I go.” Jay Z, I can tell you did that all through 1999 and 2000 because that’s when I started to get a little tired of your shit. I was so tired that I didn’t purchase the 2000 album or the 2001 album. You went from one of my top MCs with the brilliant flows and choice of words on your first album, “Reasonable Doubt”. “You coppin’ me like, white crystal / I gross the most at the end of the fiscal year than these niggaz could wish to.”; to being of the worst MC on my list with “In My Life Time Vol. 4.” The MCs on your label follow the same. When I heard Memphis Bleek  onReasonable Doubt, “Coming of Age” I was an instant fan. When I heard “Memph Bleek Is” I was an instant hater. I didn’t hear that album nor the new one for 2001. Lyrically you all watered down your flow. Beanie Sigel came into the game like that so I was never impressed by him. And what was on your mind when you even thought Amil could hold her own without you on a solo album?

But of course you don’t give a damn about me and my opinion, who was once of the opinion that “this guy rapping with Jaz on “Originators” is wicked.” Jay ripped ”Can I Get Open” on the Original Flava album and a few other songs. Reasonable Doubt was one of my favorite albums that year to come out. But this means nothing because all those projects sold less in total compared to what that garbage album with ”Big Pimpin”  on it. But you got to know and in case you don’t, let me tell you that when you lose a true fan who was there from the beginning starting with Hawaiian Sophie even though you didn’t rhyme on that, you’ve lost everything and it’s gonna hit you hard one day. (I read this 10 years later. Jay Z was one of the tope selling, top grossing PAID MCs. LoL)

Hip Hop right now is about the very thing that MCs used to despise, commercialism. Whereas we all used to be as one, there are now two audiences. The industry shows no love for the underground. The underground is really underground now, with the only way to get a record out is to put it out yourself, and hope by some major miracle that it gets heard. Back in the 90s, at least niggaz could get record deals: Black Moon, Heltah Skeltah, Smif  & Wesson, Artifacts, Bush Babies, Madd Skillz. Even Notorious B.I.G. and Jay Z’s first albums could be considered underground albums that just blew the fuck up because they deserved to. That’s why you stopped rapping Pace, whether you know it or not. Back in the early 90s, that 5 song EP I got of yours would have made a little noise if on a major label like Elecktra. But in the late 90s to 2000, that shit will create a buzz, but it will be heard by very few. So it’s either we become Jay Zs and Puffys or we die. I hate to say it, but contrary to DJ Premier’s words on Gangstarr’s last album “Moment of Truth”, the roaches in the underground are dying, at least in America.

This is what I wrote to my frat brother who is a nice MC by my standards, who also won’t let me do a beat on his upcoming independent release album. Fuck you for that Stehen. I ain’t asking no more to do a beat for you. You know I make beats so if you want some, you’ll ask for some and actually get them recorded. If not, fuck you again! I also sent this message to one of Stephen’s producers named Pace Maker. He is a cool cat who used to rhyme, but I think the pressures of commercialism and knowing that MCs such as himself have little chance for success, stopped him from wanting to be an MC. He begs to differ, and truthfully, only he knows, I’m just guessing.

Pace Maker: Like Premo said underground hip hop will never die. It might not be accepted in the mainstream, but quality music will always be made. I stopped rhyming because I felt my skills were outdated and I felt I had nothing else to say. You got to understand also that you don’t have to be on a major label to sell underground hip hop music. You could sell 30,000 copies of a record put it on your own and make $500,000! You wouldn’t make that much if you went platinum of a major label.

The kind of music we make would be embraced better overseas. That’s why we’re putting together an overseas tour and an EP release for The Phat Rapper. So far he has about 15 new joints recorded. Shits gon’ be that heat! Keep ya ears and eyes open.

This is me and Pace going back and forth on the subject. We have these spats sometimes with no one really being the winner.

Me: Yeah but besides the money, MCs want recognition also. Who wants to rhyme if nobody is hearing you? And all mutha fuckas is hearin’ now days in America is the bullshit rhymes Jay Z is spittin over mostly bullshit tracks. I’m just sayin that the underground had a voice that wasn’t so hard to hear back then; now, if there ain’t a Fatbeats recod store in ya town, you shit out of luck. And you worried about what you sayin, just listen to Ghostface. 85% of the time, he ain’t sayin’ shit and he knows that.

Pace Maker: You got a point about the Fat Beats situation, but if we can do what we love to do for a living and live a comfortable life off of selling 30,000 copies that’s love! Unlike Ghost (wit his dumb ass), I truly consider myself a poet, so I made sure everything I said had meaning and made sense. Just cause he say dumb shit and sell records (yeah he got my money too, but never again) don’t justify it as being ok to do. You right it ain’t all about money. But life is about finding yo niche and doing what you love to do for a living, so you’ll never feel like you’re going to work. Making $500,000 off being heard from 30,000 fans is enough exposure for me. I’m sure Phat (Stephen) feels the same way. Ask him.

Me: You’re right. Maybe I better start rethinkin’ my strategy in this music shit. About Ghost, I think his style is fly. The more I listen, the less is makes sense, so it never gets boring.

But I guess this is just a phase that all music goes through. I’m currently watching this movie about Jazz that is showcasing all the greats: Jelly Roll Morton, Sidney Bechet, Louis Armstrong, Bessie Smith, Duke Ellington, Benny Goodman, Chick Webb etc. It is talking about jazz and how it basically started in New Orleans and spread to Chicago then to New York which became the mecca. It spoke of how jazz was becoming too commercial in the 1930s during the depression years. Benny Goodman was considered the King of Swing in those days because the white people just latched on to him, even though Duke Elliington was doing swing three years earlier before Benny hit the scene.

Benny Goodman’s band went into a challenge with Chick Webb at the Savoy to see who really was the king of swing and Chick Webb and his band ate Benny and them alive and bowing down. It’s like what’s goin’ on in Hip Hop at this very moment in time with Eminem. He is selling more records than any solo artist ever has in Hip Hop history. He is not considered the King of Hip Hop; for there are and were too many great MCs for him to hold that title. But he does get respect as an MC who raps his ass off, I must say so, and in a battle against the best he could hold his own.

Benny did Jam sessions with other less fortunate artist than himself, and he never bragged about his position in Jazz, he just simply played good music and was respected by most his peers as a good musician. Duke Ellington never changed his sound to become commercial. He stuck to what he loved and he still came out of it a legend.

This is an eye opener to me because I love underground Hip Hop but it seems to be dying from the scene. I often say I’m confused about what type of music to make: what’s on the radio or what I love. This Jazz special has brought to light that if you stick to what you love, it will love you back in the long run. This jazz special is Hip Hop before Hip Hop was born. It speaks of the same issues: commercialism, different genres, the best and who the public makes out to be the nest. Hip Hop is a mirror image of Jazz music. And this lets me know that Hip Hop still has a long run ahead. The special is in the 30s, and it hasn’t gotten to the 50s with Charlie “Bird” Parker, Miles Davis, and Dizzy Gillespie yet, who were legends in their time. I just got to New York a year and a half ago. I got time to become a legend in my own right. The Jazz Show has shown me that if nothing else, I just need to work a little harder and do what I love, not what I think everybody else is gonna love.

Jrnl Entry No. 36 1.12.2001

I’m comin’ back on this subject after seeing the movie “Save The Last Dance”. In the movie this smart high school black kid, very conscious of his blackness, even street smart; he had a ghetto friend who was in and out of juvenile homes, and was a drug dealer tuff kid. But he on the other had had aspirations of being a doctor and had applied to Georgetown University for pre-med. He falls in love with a white girl who comes to the school by way of her mom dying and having to stay with her dad. He and the white girl had a battle of witts in class and it started from there.

The white girl becomes friends with his sister unknowingly, and tells her that he is an asshole, etc. because of their class argument. She’s embarrassed when told that he was her brother. So in a friendly argument upon being formally introduced by the sister, the white girl tells him that she could dance circles around him at a club that they would both attend the following weekend.

So they get to the club scene and the sister gets there with the white girl and a few of her other friends and her brother’s old girlfriend is there and they get into an argument. The sister notes that she doesn’t like the girl because of the way she played her brother, but they never went into detail about how she played him. The brother gets there and his old girlfriend comes and tries to be friendly with him and he disses her because obviously he didn’t like the way she played him neither. He finds the white girl and they get into general conversation and he brings up the dance challenge, and she tries to get out of it because she can dance ballet, but not Hip Hop. She gets on the floor and looks stupid. When they leave in a hurry as a result of his thug friend getting into a fight and he helped him out, he, his sister and the white girl are all going in the same direction. He walks the white girl home and they make a pact that he would teach her some dance moves since she was gonna be hangin out with his sister and going to that club.  During the course of these dance lessons, they talk and fall in love.

Now if this isn’t the story of my senior year in high school when I fell in love with a white girl, I don’t know what is. The girl I was with at the movies said he had Jungle Fever, etc. I said it was just a case of two open minded, intelligent kids coming together through social settings and started loving each other. The same situation happened to me. I met my girlfriend in the bad, now granted, I was a victim of wanting to be with a white girl because that was all the media pushed on me and they just looked so cute and lovable when at school. Every since eighth grade, I wanted one. In 12th grade I found one and fell in love and she loved me back.

Now, why this white girl in my senior year in high school? Before 12th grade, I wanted a relationship with Bethlehem Strong, Marilyn Singleton, Alta Berret, Cinclaire Thomas. These were all beautiful black intelligent young females in my age group but none of the relationships ever happened except for Marilyn. She wasn’t trying to have sex with me and she broke up with me for no reason at all really. See, what most people don’t understand is that a black man want a lady, one that is often seen, but seldom heard and one that is smart. Bethelehem fit this bill perfectly. She was a straight “A” student, very beautiful and I never heard her voice unless she was talking to me or someone else near me. I never seen her in a fight or argument. This is the kind of girl a man wants to love. In fact, I hold a friendly love for Bethelehem in my heart to this day for the lady I know her to be, even though we never were in a relationship together, and even though she may not ever think of me in any kind of way.

When I was in 12th grade, all I knew were loud mouth and rowdy girls with kids who were either with the fathers of the children or were not. And the key words in that sentence are LOUD MOUTH AND ROWDY! Not kids; for after I graduated from high school I was with a girl who had three kids while I was in college, and then another one after I graduated college. I can’t think of one black girl in the whole high school who I wanted to be in love with my senior year except for maybe Calesha Breakley. But she was too skinny, and plus she thought of me like a distant cousin because my first cousin Jerome’s dad was her uncle. I originally had planned on asking her to prom, but I got beat to the punch. There were the twins Sally and Salena but they had boyfriends, and they seemed just a little too damn quiet for me anyway. There was still Bethlehem, but she was in love with Fletcher Hightower and she stopped coming to school looking cute altogether. She was busy loving him while he was away at college and when he was at home. But while he was at home, he was loving Lillian Buckhead and got her pregnant. There was Anazette Thatcher, also one whom I love and respect to this day for the lady she is and was, but she wasn’t interested in me. She was in love with my friend Aderale or Gold.

If I had been in a relationship with Bethlehem or Anazette, a white girl couldn’t have entered my world, at least not then. I was in involved with Sarena Salinger when I got involved with the white girl, but I was under the brain washed mentality that she was dark-skinned and ugly. She wasn’t that cute, but she could dress well and she had a sexy walk and nice body. When I seen her in later years I regretted that I didn’t really get with her in high school. She never gave me another chance even though I tried a couple of times. With Serena, my good friend Rally introduced us. He told me that he had hit it and was passing her on to me because he didn’t like her, so that blinded me to the real beauty of her, which I discovered later on in college at YSU. And plus, I was brain washed thinking that I wanted me a white girl.

Now in the movie these two kids just innocently feel in love. I innocently feel in love with a white girl in high school too, but still I had that “I want a white girl” in the back of my mind. In the movie, he simply wasn’t seeing anyone at the time and neither was she, being that she just transferred to a brand new school. He was a gentleman, and she was a lady and they fell in love. Gentleman and lady, but most importantly, LADY! Even a thug wants a lady, but a gentleman whose set for college and has goals set, he definitely wants a lady to stand by his side. In some cases it doesn’t matter if she is black or white. Most white women present themselves as ladies, so in many cases, they get the gentleman, whether black or white.

Jrnl Entry No. 35 1.11.2001

My cousin Sloane always asks me when I’m making reference to a woman that I am involved with, she asks, “is she white?” I guess since I was in love with a white girl in 12th grade and messed with a few after that, she assumes that I’m white girl crazy “Jungle Fever.” I had to write her an e-mail telling her to stop that. My white girl days are behind me, (well not really), but she don’t need to know that because I’m not in a relationship with one, it’s just an affair. I had to tell her that I am not searching for a white woman. I am not in the social environment to be socializing with white women for them to get to know me, for us to get into a relationship. And even if I was in a social environment with them, white women don’t make themselves available or let it be known that they will date a black guy and I ain’t necessarily going around asking. I did tell her that if the right white woman comes along and we happen to hook up, so it will be. Fucking around here in New York City, I haven’t had any relations with a woman at all, so if whoever comes along with the right credentials, is white, I‘m taking her.

She responded with this:

As far as the white girl issue. I feel just like if you (I mean in general) can find a white woman to share your hopes and dreams with, you can find a black woman. There are good black women: independent, childless, AND educated out here. After being in D.C. and attending a lot of Howard University events, I realized how many educated black women there are w/o children…just looking for a strong black man. I think too many black men settle, especially military men. They use that excuse overseas of there not being a lot of sistas around. I don’t care how near or far I travel…I will always have a black man. Mind you, not just any black man but one suited for me. I don’t condemn anyone’s love I just know the love that I want. I know, we all must do whatever makes us happy.

I responded back with this:

Well, like I said, I’m not searching for a white woman. If I bring one home, best believe she’ll be thorough. I’ve been traveling all over the U.S. since my freshman year in college and have seen many beautiful black women, but with no access the them, a brother had to do what he had to do which was be with a white girl providing me with porno sex, money, shoes, clothes, and whatever else I wanted. You women don’t understand that men and women are different: one, y’all can go months to years without sex and be happy with y’all vibrator until you come across the right man or until you get over whatever problem you have. Two, to black women, there aren’t that many white, Korean, Chinese or any other race for that matter, that is sexier than a black man. Now for men, there are sexy women of all races, shades, shapes and colors so it’s easier for us to go astray. All we need is a nice smile, nice cute booty, two breast, maybe some thighs and hips, and we are good to fall in love.

Like here in New York for example, I see all types of beautiful women: French, Austrailian, Italian, Trinidadian, Black, Jamaican, Hispanic, Dominican, etc. Now when I first got here, I only tried to talk to black women. What I’ve found out about the whole city is that you don’t meet people here by just talking to them in a friendly way on sight at a bar or where ever you may be. You have to get hooked up through a friend or through work. I don’t have that many friends at work or otherwise. My one friend hooked me up with this Dominican chick who normally, on a sunny day, I wouldn’t try and talk to her as beautiful as she is. Now if she is down witt me, I’m gonna pursue it and whatever happens, happens. I’ve talked to hundreds of black women here, but received nothing but a cold shoulder. I still love em, but I’m at a point where I’m gonna take whatever looks good that is available. I’m on the look-out for a black woman but every beautiful one that I tap on the shoulder and smile at looks at me like I’m stupid.

She in return responded with this:

I hope and pray you find a nice sista and if you happen to get a white girl I hope she keeps you happy. As far as other men besides black men…I’ve traveled a little and I’ve seen some fine men, there are some find Puerto Ricans, even some fine white men and any other race…maybe not as many men as there are women but a brotha doesn’t get with a white girl cause she is fine and we both know that. I really don’t understand why yall do. Me personally, there is nothing and I mean nothing like a brotha especially a chocolate one. Like they say, to each his own.

I understand men have needs…yes, I do; what I don’t understand is how y’all get with a white girl and take her all around like you have some prize or something…half the shit a white girl does to a brotha he’d kill a sista for tryin. Just like men who get babies with one chick and won’t take care of them but you get with someone who has kids that aren’t yours and you taking care of her and them. Charity starts in your house. Not directed at you, but a lot of brothas; how can you have a child and not want to see them? Charity (my daughter) her father would kill me if I ever tried to keep her from him and look at Arkay, you couldn’t pay him to be the father he needs to be to Yarkell. Yarkell is very loving and smart, didn’t ask to be here. He started playing b-ball this year and he’s pretty decent. I wish Arkay would try to come into his life after he becomes someone…be it b-ball or not. I don’t wanna hear that baby’s mama shit either. Yarkell has lived with me and in Ohio and do you know I haven’t seen Arkay in 5+ years and talked to him in 3+, so I know it ain’t me. I don’t bother him at all.

You know after being around a lot of college females they come off like a brotha has to prove himself to them. It’s almost like prove to me how bad you want me. Some sistas are the reason brothas are with white girls. I think I have a problem with me being too independent. I don’t ever wanna hear a guy say…I did this, I did that blahzay blahzay. I can’t see how a woman is a house wife. I don’t care how much the man makes I need my own income for myself. As long as I work a man will never tell me what I can’t spend. He might say baby put it on lay-a-way, or ask me to wait a minute but never ever tell me no I can’t do that.

If you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you stay with your daughter’s mother? I wish I could’ve stayed with Charity’s dad. The only person I’ve ever loved like that is Pulplin Waterford and I wonder if I’ll ever love like that again. How do you know when you’re in love? I know when I get this feeling I can’t explain it but I know when It’s there, like with Pulplin Waterford. Well, have a nice day.

I came back and broke it down like this:

You black women always say “why do they parade around with a white woman like she is a queen, like you don’t see brothas everyday with black women on their arm too. And white women have a different persona about them. Well the ones I’ve known do, and it makes them easier to get along with. When you get along with your mate, you have a good time with your mate; therefore you go out with your mate, black or white. And they are not push overs like most people believe. You see Montell Williams got a divorce, and Patrick Ewing’s wife divorced him after he got caught fuckin’ around with one of the cheerleaders for the team.

And, I can’t speak for most brothers, but I know right now, if something comes along that’s decent lookin’, intelligent, black or white, I’m takin it if I’m feelin’ it like that. And I don’t care who someone gets with. Sistas can get them a white man. My view is that he got a dick just like I do and a heart with feelings. Whatever the person chooses because I’m gonna get what I want regardless. If a good lookin’ sista is witt a white man or any man for that matter, it ultimately means that I can’t have her so I best get to steppin on and find what I want to be in my life.

The question of how do you know you’re in love. You have the only answer. You just know. You care about that person. You would do anything for that person. You feel your best when you are with that person, at home, in public, in bed, etc. That is your love and nothing except for walking in and catching them in a sexual act with someone else would make you want to leave that person; and even that sometimes won’t stop the love. I haven’t felt a love like that I had for Samantha. We were down for each other in whatever way we could be in high school. Sorry she was and is a white girl. The feelings are all gone for her, but it was a great feelin I had with her. I guess life is too complicated as an adult to have love like that because I don’t ever think I’ll feel it like that again. And no, I’m not searching for a white woman to give me that feeling again. And if you say that was just puppy love, then I guess I’ve never really been in love with anyone.

Janelle’s mother got pregnant in three months of me being with her. As time when on, I noticed differences in attitude and personality; one major thing was that she wasn’t really down with me. I told her I wanted to live in New York. She said she wouldn’t live in New York with ONE kid and no family; basically saying to me that she wasn’t woman enough, and she didn’t think that I was man enough to handle ourselves and raise our one child by ourselves. She said she wouldn’t drive in New York because of traffic jams, and she wouldn’t ride the subway. She always talked about how she wanted a fat house and fat car, and complained that she was broke, but wouldn’t go and get a little part-time job to alleviate her little money problems because she wanted to work in an office . She wasn’t qualified to work nowhere because she didn’t finish school. The one office job she held down for a year or two she quit because she wasn’t qualified to receive a big raise like she thought. She used to live in Columbus in a nice apartment above her means with her dad paying the rent. She wanted to be high class, but I didn’t see her trying to start from the bottom where she was to make it to the top where she wanted to get. I guess she thought she was gonna get there on my back. To this day, at age 29 she is still livin’ with her parents talkin’ about what she gonna do when.

I am fun and out-going, and she has social anxiety if you ask me; don’t want to be seen or heard in the public. And when the baby was born, I tried to make everything work with her, but she wouldn’t have sex with me. I got an attitude because she didn’t explain to me with good enough reason why she would do that when I’m tryin to be her man and stand beside her until she can get on her feet so that we could stand by each other side by side and support each other as mother father and child.

It’s like that attitude you have of if “I ain’t got my own, I can’t trust no BLACK MAN to help me get it because he may try and tell me what to do with it.” And every since the baby was born she has been tryin to treat me like an ass-hole who is not responsible enough to care for my child when it’s in my possession. I had to tell her that I had everything in life as far as being an adult that she wanted and didn’t have, so how she gonna treat me like an irresponsible dick head when it comes to being with my daughter. She’s still giving me visitation problems to this day. What I say, she says the opposite when it comes to seeing my daughter; therefore, we will never be friends because there shouldn’t be any argument for a man tryin’ to be a father to his child and spend time with it .I’ve been to court two times: once for overnight visits, and another for out of state visits. Janelle is supposed to come and stay with me for two weeks every three months starting right now, but her mother is trying to give me problems with that. If she loved me, she never showed it. When I stepped out, she never asked me back and I never went back because I felt that she didn’t trust in me and what I wanted to do in life as far as we were concerned. She had her own agenda, which she couldn’t see fusing together with mine so here we have it. She’s still in Warren tryin to get off the ground by herself, and I’m off the ground trying to flap my wings to fly sky high

She never came back after that, but my point is that to men, women are a beautiful thing. A woman’s body is one of the most beatifullest thing in the world (Keith Murry) and sights to see. It don’t matter what race of woman, most have beautiful bodies in clothing, and more so, in the nude. Now many people stick to their race for various reasons: fear of what others will think, or just plain loyalty to the race. But when the option presents itself, I’m sure almost 95% of men will at least have sex with a woman of a different racial background than themselves.

For black men, I think #1 why they go astray is the advertisement of women of other races especially white women in movies, commercials, magazines, porno movies, etc. For #2, it’s to see what it is about the taste of the forbidden fruit. For #3, we as black people feel like the world shuns us. When we are accepted by other people different than us, who normally would shun us; some of us take that acceptance and run with it. We run so far as to try and be like those that accept us, losing, in some cases all traces of ourselves: our language and way of speaking, our traditional foods we eat, and our general way of behavior when just plain chilling, having a brew and hangin’ out.  Now to a black man who feels this way and is bothered by the issue, the greatest acceptance he can receive is to be accepted into a woman’s body, her temple of affection. This acceptance in most cases causes that particular black man to run and never return to his home from which he was born: The Black Woman. For #4, in most cases what you see being advertised in movies, magazines, etc. is what you get in a white woman. They are advertised as the most beautiful, as being easy to get along with, and freaky in the form of sex and porn.

My personal experiences with white women have been just that: ease of attitude, and great sexual experiences. The beauty part, well many brothers may not have the finest or the beautifullest white woman, but there is an illusion that she is or could be. This illusion comes from seeing white women, regular white women, carrying themselves as queens, looking as if they just stepped off the cover of a magazine. My friends and I have often noticed and mentioned to ourselves that on a regular summer day in the mall, you are guaranteed to see 3 to 5 beautiful white women in your view. If you are lucky, you might see one beautiful black woman dressed sexy, hair done, glowing, etc. And this is a small town experience that I’m referring to. It applies in bigger cities, but the ratio of beautiful white women you see to beautiful black women you see is smaller, depending on where you hang out. In New York, Philly, Atlanta, I’ve seen more beautiful black women in the malls on regular days looking like my wife to be. But in a city such as New York where I currently live, the black women are cold to the sound of a young black man’s voice. This coldness could weaken a brother to go astray and stay astray. I ain’t there yet, but I’m broke down with the attitude I receive from black women at a lounge spot like Justin’s on a Tuesday night or out shopping, etc. Very, very slowly, I’m feeling like I want to get me a nice little white woman, move to Indiana, marry, have kids and live happily ever after.

In the past five years, the images of black women, just black people period have been more positive and beautiful in commercials, movies and magazines. It’s no longer the case, where at 9 P.M. on a Monday night you won’t see any blacks advertised in commercials, or on T.V. in our own sitcoms that portray some aspect of our life. This, while great, still is a short lived experience compared to the actual reality of how, I feel, the majority of us carry ourselves in everyday life, in relationships, in our home life and out in public.

This is my educational view as to why I think black men date out of their race and seem just so in love when with a white woman and treat her life a queen. And the best thing I can say for black women who can’t stand seeing black men with white women is to carry yourself every day or when out in public like you are walking up on a pedestal. Start treatin’ your black brothers with simple jobs making average incomes who can’t afford a Range Rover or BMW with a little more respect. Start being a little more freaky behind closed doors because we are all adults and if you won’t tell, I won’t tell. But what you won’t do, maybe a white woman will. Give a brother a few reasons to treat you like a queen and he will do so if you treat him like a king.

Jrnl Entry No. 34 10.20.2000

The year 2000 has come and is just about gone. I have sat and looked at everyone living their dreams and accomplishing their goal. Suga Shane Moseley, Marion Jones, Maurice Green, David Justice, Lenny Krazleburg, DMX, Rock Wilder, etc. I look at these people, happy for them that they have achieved what they wanted to achieve. I wonder as I look at them, how did they achieve it? Well, there seemed to be some type of forum for most of these people. Take Marion Jones for example. She decided she was going to run track instead of play basketball. She trained hard every day in practice. When national championship or Olympic trials came around, due to her training, she won the necessary races, and boom, she’s a star. In the Olympics, she won gold in the 100 meter sprint. Now endorsements will come her way offering her millions to advertise a product. She’s set for life. David Justice, who knows when he decided to start playing baseball, but he decided some time in his life. He eventually probably played for a minor league team, and then got picked up to the majors. Now he is going to the World Series for like the third or fourth time in his career. He has hit two major home runs in his career to either win his team the World Series or get them into the World Series.

The point I’m trying to make is that for people like Marion Jones and Suga Shane Moseley, there is or was a forum for them to contend in. After so many contentions, if you win most of them, you will be the star. For me, there is really no forum that I can hop into. I want to be a Hip Hop producer. There are many Hip Hop producers out there now like DJ Premier and Pete Rock and Rock Wilder who are stars in the game. As I look at them, I wonder to myself, how did they get there? There is not a place where producer can go and play their beats against other producer’s beats, and whoever is judged to be the best gets to produce a song on an album that is sure to go platinum, and net you, at the least, depending on your deal, $80,000.

I’ve heard that in this forum of Hip Hop artist and producers that you have to know somebody in order to get in. If you know nobody, how do you get to know somebody? Everybody you meet, like I met Dazon of Murder Inc. one night at Club Cheetah; if I’d told him I was a producer, he would have paid no attention to that. How, how, how is my question. I can make the hottest song of this century, but if I know no one to get it into the ears of someone connected in the music industry, my song is useless. It’s not the same as for a basketball player who starts in Jr. High School, then plays in High School, then to college. If he has built his skills to perfection, he has a chance at getting picked to play in the NBA. All while he is in college he is watched by NBA scouts who will either get him picked in the NBA, or if he is no good, he won’t be picked.

Some may think I want this Hip Hop thing to happen overnight for me. I’ve told the story of my Hip Hop yearning which started 13 years ago. I’ve got Demo tapes. I’ve been producing beats in my head for years with no outlet to get them into real sound form. Now I have equipment to make the beats in my head real. Now I’m in New York where everything happens, but where do I go from here? There used to be a lyricist lounge spot in the early 90s where MCs could showcase their talent. A few MCs like Mos Def, Rah Digga, Talib Kweli have come to be where they are today because of this forum. Now there seems to be no forum especially for underground Hip Hop. The industry is killing underground Hip Hop, which is what I have loved from the beginning of my interest in this shit. Now, if you don’t sell a million or 500,000 with your first album, the label drops you. Back in the 80s, MCs like Kool G Rap and the Gangstarr group had 3 albums, none of which sold gold, but they were still in the game with a recording contract.

So the market for my production is getting slimmer and slimmer by the day and year. No one wants to give a new comer a chance. That seems to be the way it is but yet in still, it is not that way. How did MCs like Roc Marciano get into the Flipmode Squad? How did the producer Jay Dee get to be doing songs for and a part of a production team with A Tribe Called Quest? How did the MC Consequence get to be featured on A Tribe Called Quest Beats Rhymes and Life album? That was also the album that featured Jay Dee as a producer, so maybe Tribe just said “we are gonna let others shine on this album.”

To me it seems to be luck of the draw. I don’t know where to go to meet MCs or producers or artist for that matter to showcase my skills. Everybody says go to the Fat Beats store in the village. This place is a record store, not a lounge or a club. I went there one Saturday and I met two producers. I got their numbers and called one of them, but he never returned my call.

I’m thinking of starting a Bonny and Clyde group, or a group of girls because the industry has nothing like that. But even if I start this group, how will we get in with the industry or showcase our skills? How do I find a manager? I guess I could start asking people these questions. And maybe that is the key, a manager. Pay someone 20% of what I make because I know no one and they know everyone or someone who I’ll maybe never have a chance of knowing that could get one of my songs out to be heard by the people. There could be a chance that I could do it by myself, but I think that chance is very slim. You hand people a Demo tape of you, and they never listen to it, or they never get back to you.

Maybe my stuff is no good enough. I don’t know. All I do know is that this situation is depressing me. But I’m stuck because I believe in myself and I don’t want to go anywhere else. I believe it can happen because it has happened for so many people: Teddy Riley, Pete Rock, Premier, GURU, DJ Mark The 45 King, Marley Marl, DJ Clue. Wait a god damn minute; all the people accept for two are life-long New York residence. I’m from Ohio. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe there is no problem at all. I’m searchin’ for answers. I’m searching for direction in this journey; peace of mind with it.

Try god, is what you say huh? I tried him when I was younger. I prayed so long, I became an atheist. I prayed and prayed for a record contract, but still to this day, I have seen no record contract nowhere in sight. Jay Z confessed that he was a criminal before he became a star. But yet in still, he became a star. I’ve been a fairly good boy all my life, and I have not received one big dream. Well, maybe one, which was to get a Honda scooter when I was 13 years old. I got it and that was probably one of the happiest moments of my life before my daughter was born. Janelle being born was a happy moment which has turned grim because I have to go to court to see her like I want.

I guess I have been blessed as people say. I’ve been blessed with a college education, a job, a new car, my dream of living in New York. Well, let’s back up a moment. My dream was never really to live here, my dream was to be here to get into Hip Hop. Hip Hop is my dream, not New York. I wanted to come to New York but if there was no Hip Hop, I don’t think I’d be here, or would have wanted to come here. Hip Hop is what made me take my first trip here, not New York just in itself. I’m searching for Hip Hop but is seems hard to find. The Hip Hop I’m searching for seems to have died, and now a new species is being born, well, is born.

All I want is to have a song on an album and get paid a royalty for it. I don’t want to be the top hit maker, or the highest paid for that matter. I just want to be a part of albums coming out on labels, and get paid a fair amount in the form or a royalty check every quarter. That seems not too much to ask, or that it shouldn’t be that hard to accomplish. But this industry is selfish, and doesn’t seem to want to let anyone in unless it’s a crime partner or brother or close friend. I’ma make my mark somewhere in this shit. SOMEWHERE!

Jrnl Entry No. 32.2 9.8.2000

When Janelle was born it was “the most  beautifullest thing in this world” (Keith Murray). “I was there, cut the chord / seventeen hours never bored / cause I knew you was comin for sure.” That is a line to a verse I wrote after she was born. I was there for the whole nine, the progression of the labor pains to birth. Seeing all of that puts in you in a whole nutha state of mind. Like about two hours before she was born, I went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and started crying. I guess I was crying because I was about to be a father, and also because Victoria was going through so much pain. When it was all over, I was filled with love, especially for my baby girl. I had only a little for Victoria. I went and paid like $75 for a bear and some flowers and gave them to Victoria that night. I tried to spend the night at the hospital that night, but at 1 A.M. a nurse came in and told me I had to go.

I went to where I was the night before, over Lauren’s house. Lauren and I hadn’t talked for like a year at this time and like two or three weeks before, I went and knocked on her door, and as always she let me in. Lauren was still involved with Jamelle at the time too. I visited the hospital all three days that Victoria was in there. When she took the baby home, I was over there every day after work. I couldn’t wait to get there and hold my baby in my arms. Victoria told me that her dad didn’t want me coming over his house every day and that we’d have to limit my visits.

One night while over there, I asked her when could I take the baby to my house, and she looked at me like, “never”. I told her that I knew she was not going to have any couth; a word I had picked up from her when talking about everybody being ghetto, about the situation of me taking my daughter out to see my people once she was a couple of weeks old and had been to her first doctor’s visit. She asked me to step outside, and when we got out there I started telling her that she was not gonna be treating me like an irresponsible fuck when it came to our daughter, that I was a grown man taking care of his life responsibilities. I had everything that she one day hoped to have: a college degree, a job and a car of my own. I got in my car and left. She came over to my house and I screamed at her some more telling her the same thing. She left telling me that her father said for me not to come and see the baby anymore. I said fine and I didn’t see her.

I was going to get me a lawyer and get proper visitation. About a month later, Victoria’s friend and my friend’s sister, Analise called and told me to go see my daughter. Now that I think about it, Victoria probably told her to call me. I don’t think Victoria knows how to drop shit or say sorry and let things begin again to take their natural course. So I called Victoria and told her that I wanted to start seeing Janelle again. She said that she’d have to check with her father like it was his baby or something.

I went over there one night after work and seen Janelle. I can’t recall if I talked with Victoria or not. I do know that in my lifetime, I had planned on the mother of my child being my wife. Victoria fit the bill; she was not fat, she could be freaky when in the right place at the right time, and she wanted something out of life, still does. But she still hasn’t yet to this day accomplished anything visible to my eye. The next day that I went to see Janelle I proposed to Victoria that I wanted to be there for her and Janelle, and for us to not be apart. I had told myself that “yeah, Victoria and I have some differences, but they can be worked on or put aside for the moment.” I offered to take her shopping since all while she was pregnant she complained that she had no clothes to wear. She accepted us getting back together, but was skeptical of my reasons. She told me we weren’t gonna have sex. I told this store before, but to sum it up, I didn’t want sex at the time.

We got back together, she moved into her apartment in the Fairview Gardens. I would go over there every night after work and spend the night. I had plans on doing this for one year, and then proposing to marry Victoria. After a month and a half, probably about two or three weeks after her six week check-up, I started getting horny. She wasn’t hearing me, and never talked to me about the situation kind of like she tells me NO now when I want to spend some extra time with my daughter or take my daughter out of town. After about two weeks of no, I told her it was over. That on top of the other problems I had with her about calling everybody ghetto, she wasn’t gonna move to NY with me, and other personality and attitude differences led me to quit. Now that I think about it, she probably didn’t want to get pregnant again, but whatever the reason, she never gave me a reason, so that was that.

We set up a visitation schedule, and I continued to buy all pampers and formula, etc, whatever I thought the baby needed. She went in for child support, which I had no problem with; my mind was prepared for that while she was pregnant. At the little hearing, I opted for a blood test. In their language, they said “you can deny that this is your child and have a blood test done.” I said, “I am not denying that the child is mine, but I would like to have a blood test.” I told Victoria when she was three months pregnant that I was getting a blood test done one way of the other. Too many fathers found out they weren’t really fathers too late after the fact, and in some states you can’t even back out after you find out; you still have to take care of the child through child support.

I didn’t have any doubt that she was mine, but just in case Victoria was pulling the wool over my eyes; if I was to be paying $300 plus for the next 18 years, best believe I ain’t paying on faith and word of mouth alone, and neither should you. So when court was over she stormed out saying I denied the baby. I told her father that I would still like to see my child because we had a little meeting a couple nights before about visitation because Victoria was complaining that she didn’t want Janelle over my house because my mom smoked up the house pretty bad with cigarette smoke. I assured her that my mom would smoke in her room with the door closed, as opposed to previously when Victoria would visit, the door was cracked open and smoke would seep all through the house. And when I didn’t have company, my mom would smoke in the living room, and to walk through, you would smell like smoke; therefore, every time I visited Victoria, I would smell like smoke. Her father said, it was up to her, and she said, “you denied her, you don’t see her.”

Once we went back to court like three months later, she let me pick my daughter up and bring her to my house but she wouldn’t let her spend the night. After like nine month of that and her fucking me out of visits from time to time; like when they weren’t sending her the child support money, she said I couldn’t see her. When she found out I had a girlfriend who lived in a housing project; she said I couldn’t see her. I got me a lawyer, who fucked me also by not acknowledging that he had received my payment until three months after the fact and a grievance letter. After that he filed the case and I got overnight visitation every other weekend and four hours after work one day a week.

After one year of that and my daughter knowing me very well, I decided to move to New York. Victoria had told me on the phone the night before Janelle was born that she would not let me bring my daughter to stay with me for more than two weeks during the summer. I had other visitation in mind like two weeks every other month until Janelle went to elementary school.

When I moved I paid the same law office, different lawyer though, that fucked me before. I sent $500 to his office with a letter of instruction to file for out of state visitation. He never acknowledged getting the money. Me thinking I’m trying to be a good paying customer to this law office, and them taking my money and never filing my case. About nine months after no response from the law office, and repeated visits by my mom to the office, I was in town on a Friday and went to the office demanding my money back. They told me they had no receipt of it, and that if I would produce a copy of the money order, they would refund my money. They must thought a nigga was stupid and irresponsible to lose or throw away my receipt. But I had my receipt and got a copy, and about two weeks later my mom went down there and got my money. I had also tried to talk with Victoria that weekend about me bringing Janelle to New York with me for two weeks every other month. She said no, that I could continue driving there every other weekend, six hours to see her, or once a month to cut down on my driving. I said fuck it, I won’t see Janelle no more, won’t bring you any more money, and won’t bother you, and you don’t bother me. She said, “fine,” that her daddy will take care of Janelle. She even told her friend Analise that I was not going to be taking care of Janelle anymore.

After about two weeks, I found another lawyer to file the case for me. After five months, we were downtown in the little room again. She filed for back child support of $3,000. The Magistrate kept visitation the same, which means I have to drive there once or twice a month to see Janelle. He appointed a Guardian Ad Litem to investigate me to see if I was fit to have Janelle out of state with me, and that could take 3 to 6 months for him to complete his report or rather, get started. It doesn’t take six months to talk with me and make a determination if I’m fit to take care of my daughter for two weeks while she is with me.

Victoria says she doesn’t want my mother watching Janelle because “she couldn’t take care of her own, so what makes you think she can take care of mine.” When my little brother Peter was born, due to medication that my mom was taking while carrying him, he was born with no collar bone, a huge soft spot on his head, and heart and breathing problems. He was on a heart monitor that beeped often. She wasn’t able to handle him in his condition because she had a nervous condition, which I believe was mis-diagnosed, and she actually has Asperger’s Syndrome. She gave him up for adoption. We got back in contact with him through the will of god I guess, and we have seen him and been his second family all his life. Victoria passed judgement on my mother because she knew my brother was given up for adoption, but I don’t think she knows all the detail behind it. My brother came close to dying a couple of times because of his condition when he was little.

I don’t think Victoria could handle that situation herself. I heard she had a nervous breakdown when she lost a child that she was pregnant with and when wedding plans fell through the floor. Janelle would not have been given up for adoption because her sister and father and other family would have prevented that. My family, as I just found out; the reason for none of my mother’s five sister’s adopting my brother was because the whole family from my grandmother’s mother to my grandmother’s sister, to my aunts had a hand in raising me. They said they wouldn’t do it again. My mom had an accident that prevented her from taking care of me until I was five years old. Maybe that’s why I’m such a beautiful child and successful in most people’s eyes, especially my family’s eyes. They say the more love you get from family and others, the better your life and you as person will be. But in my eyes, I got a long way to go on the successful part. I’ve for some time now had confidence in my beauty.

I’d tell Victoria that sometimes. I kind of adopted the “I’m beautiful” attitude when girls started going crazy over Tupac, Mase and Puff Daddy. These successful rappers were average looking guys in my eyes, but yet women swore they were so cute and fine. So I said to myself, “if Puff Daddy is cute, fuck it, I’m cute too.” Now I can see why women just love some celebrities like Tyson Beckford. Now I’m completely in tune with my sexuality, so I’m not feeling funny or shame about saying this. Tyson is cool. Like Eddie Murphy said to Halle Berry in the movie Boomerang. He said, “Billy Dee Williams in Lady Sings The Blues, I thought he was cool, but I didn’t want to get witt him.” But women say some celebrities are fine when they look no better or worse than me; puts me in the frame of mind to think I must be the bomb and if I was a star they would be crazy over me too. Maybe one day.

I’ve had a few girls crazy for me in my lifetime; maybe Victoria was too, but never really showed it. Some say that is why she gives me all this shit about spending time with my daughter. Whatever the reason, I don’t care. I’ll have nice happy times with my daughter one day. If I never do, no one can say I never tried to spend good quality time with her. Maybe Victoria thinks I am arrogant because of my confidence in myself, and the statement I made to her about her wanting in life what I have now. It’s true, I feel good about myself, but do I think I am better than anybody else? NO! I am the most down to earth brother my friends and she will probably ever know. I don’t speak bad or shun others for not having what I have, or not accomplishing in life what I have so far.

I’ve heard Victoria speak bad about many people because they didn’t act the way she acted or lived and grew up in her nice little semi-mixed neighborhood. To this date, all the white people are moving off her street and the houses are being rented to blacks, but yet her family still remains. She walks around with her head up looking down on others like she has the world in her hands, but she ain’t got shit. I heard she and her sister used to talk about my girlfriend; they even work at the same place now. But I guess Victoria’s sister is better somehow. I can’t understand that.

I grew up in the ghettos of Warren, Ohio. I can from where most people in the town came from, so I can’t talk about their upbringing or the way they act or act like I’m better than them. But if you try to disrespect my character like I felt Victoria was when telling me what was gonna be what with our daughter, I had to let her know that what I’ve done in my lifetime, and the responsibilities I’ve accepted as a man to be a father to his child, deserves more respect that what she was trying to give me. To this day she still has the same attitude, but it will all blow over. She knows I’m right, and I know I’m right. If she wants to continue treating me wrong in this situation, that’s her lif; maybe one reason why she is still trying to accomplish the same thing she was when I met her four years ago; to graduate from a college or school with some kind of degree. It doesn’t pay to do wrong. One day she’ll figure that out. Until then, as I’ve always said to her, “I’ll always be beautiful”

Jrnl Entry No. 32.1 8.4.2000

I don’t know where was the last place I left off about my life. Today is the day before my 27th birthday. I’ve been here in New York for a year. I still haven’t gotten any pussy in this town yet. And I’m not only out for just pussy. I’m actually looking for a long lasting relationship to grow into marriage, but the girls who I like and talk to are either from out of town, have a boyfriend (so they say), or both. I guess I don’t like New York girls because every time someone catches my eye that I actually go and approach and talk to, they are from Jersey or somewhere else, never New York. Most New York women wear weave and make-up, and those are just two things that I can’t have in a woman to be mine.

I’ve made a few steps in advancing my production career. I’ve given my tape to many rappers: Rampage of the Flip Mode Squad; Lord Have Mercy formally of the Flip Mode Squad: Raekwan of the Wu-Tang Clan. I gave a tape to Special K of the productions team “Teddy Ted and Special K”; Black Rob’s brother who is also his manager and an MC down with Black Rob who goes by the name of Poo Cabroxi. I gave a tape to this girl I planned on dating but she worked too much and at bad hours. Her MC name is MINK. She called me and said that she wanted to put out her own CD and wanted to use some of my beats. She came over and got another snippet tape of my newest, latest. I told her I wouldn’t charge her in exchange for her letting me get a track on a majorly distributed album if she gets a deal like that, or just hook me up with industry connects that will help me get production deals. Poo Cabroxi called me and said that he has a meeting with Puff Daddy, and wants to hear some of my beats. I’m going to tell him the same thing as far as charge go. I am not in this to make money off of demos. I want to make major doe, so if an MC doesn’t have a major or even minor distribution deal, I don’t want nothing but the connections of contact for future projects.

I’ve decided it’s time to cut Ohio loose and live here in New York for real. Over the past year I have been home at least once a month to see my daughter, Sausha, Lauren or Rebecca. I’m not at all attracted to Rebecca so she is the first to be gone off of my list of people not to see anymore. I let her come to visit me twice. She looks disgusting in clothing, like she is still pregnant, and that combined with our complicated past just turns me completely off. She is just lazy or works too much. She eats healthy, but she doesn’t exercise often enough to get rid of that stomach. I guess she figures as long as she can suck a good dick, especially mine, and keep her kidz father, Thomas, happy, even though she claims she can’t stand him; she figures she doesn’t need to work out. I made the mistake of coming in her the last time she was here. She has gotten pregnant three times since we have started seeing each other a year ago, but she took some pills called Cytotec, which is for ulcers and cause pregnant women to have miscarriages. She claims she is getting attached to me even though she knows we can never be nothing again, so I hope she doesn’t get pregnant and try to keep it and me in her life. She has two kidz and she says she wants a third, but not right now, and not by Thomas; which he can’t have anymore because he is fixed. I’m gonna wait till she has her period and tell her that I do not want to see her anymore.

Sausha, every time I left from seeing her, she made up her mind not to talk to me anymore, and she told me that when she moved into her new house, she wasn’t giving me the phone number or the address. I decided that I could live without her too so I was going to be done with her.

I then went on a quest to try and get Lauren to move in with me in New York. She wanted to get married. I said that I would marry her, believing that I could be happy with her. I even bought her a little engagement ring. She wanted to have a wedding which I did not in the first place, and plus we couldn’t afford it. At the same time my cousin was having trouble with his wife and she was putting him out of the house. They never lived together before they got married or even had a long relationship. This scared me, and I told Lauren that we should try living together before we get married because it’s a whole different life, especially in New York.

She was so dead set on getting married. We argued back and forth. I gave in, and two weeks later, I changed my mind again because marriage and kidz are not beneficial to a man in marriage when a divorce happens, and I explained to her that I was looking at the overall picture of happiness and sadness. In sad times, especially if a divorce occurs, a man loses. I told her that I was still willing to marry her if she was that dead set on it. After her hearing my discussion and reading a few letters I had written her, she decided to scrap the marriage idea and sign up for the army. And she said there was no changing her mind. She said I had changed my mind enough and this was it. Our discussions got heated, and no compromise was being made on her part. I said forget it too, and asked Sausha to move with me because we had discussed it before.

Sausha said that my asking was a sudden change of heart, and that she had plans on moving into her house, work and go to school. She had forgotten about the idea of moving with me, but she would think about it, and she wanted me to really think about it also. When I first moved I told her to come with me but she didn’t want to. Then, she thought about it and we had a trial week the week of Thanksgiving 1999 with two of her kidz. I didn’t like it, and neither did she. We broke up after that and I didn’t talk to her for two or three months. We eventually ended up back talking, but there was no mention of her moving with me. This was when she made her other plans to try and get rid of me, but she couldn’t.

At the time after I was fed up with Lauren, and I asked Sausha to move in with me, Sausha told me one day on the phone that she wasn’t moving with me. She called me collect on the phone one Saturday night but wasn’t home for me to call her back. I called her house for three days after that and she wasn’t answering her phone and she didn’t call me anymore. It was at this point that I said, “fuck both of them and their three kidz.” I didn’t call anyone. I made up my mind to just chill, and if a woman came along, fine, if not, fine too.

Two weeks had gone past and Lauren wrote me a letter that I received on a Friday saying that she needed me and wanted to see me. I called her and told her to leave her house since she had gotten rid of her kidz thinking that I would get the letter sooner and she would be leaving work that Friday. She said she would come Saturday and take off work Monday, and I said I would take off also.

She came and we had our usual good sex, and we went out and did little shit like go to the bookstore and read. We talked of how would we all fit into the apartment of mine. But she still said that she was going to the military. I told her if she goes to the military that is it for us. First off, it makes no sense for a 29 year old mother of three to go to the military. She said she feels she has to go to accomplish something in her life and the military would help her do that. We stopped talking about it. She went home and wrote me a little letter with a $25 check in it to make up for the $50 I spent on an amusement park trip that I had forgotten about when she called, and I couldn’t go to because she was there in New York with me.

Sausha called me Saturday collect while Lauren was there and I accepted and talked to her for a few minutes. She gave me her number but said she wasn’t sure if it was the right one, which I could understand because she has no reason to call her own house and maybe she just didn’t have it memorized at the time. I told her that I would call her later. I was going to call that Monday after Lauren left. Sausha called again that Saturday night and I didn’t accept the call because I figured I had the number to call her back, but it was the wrong number. She hasn’t called again.

I think Lauren is still going to the military, but she just wanted to smooth things over with me before she left. Because before she wrote that letter and came to see me, I had no plans of ever talking to her again and she knew that. Maybe she wants to keep a little tab on me so maybe we can get together after she is finished with the military. Well I’m not stressing her anymore. She can do whatever she wants. If I am available when she gets out of the military, I probably will be with her. But a fine handsome young man like myself, I doubt if I will be available after a few months or a few years. This bad luck with women in New York has got to stop soon, and if it doesn’t, I’ll be content focusing on my music. I’m not sweating women no more. I’m very relaxed with the issue at this point in time.

Sausha and Lauren. You may say I don’t love neither one of them, I’m just using thing as a crutch until I find someone I really want. Truth is, that may be true to some degree. I love them both, but they have no careers or solid ways to help me take care of their children. And that is the only thing that stops me when thinking of being with them. I’ve been able to get along really well with both of them. Lauren has the better body and better sex, which is why I made the choice to leave Sausha alone and try to be with her.

One thing that they both do that turns me on and every man probably loves this; they both wear thong underwear for me. I think I have a fetish for thong underwear. When I see a girl wearing tight jeans or tight hip hugger leggings; if she doesn’t have on a thong with them, she can forget about me approaching her. Sausha didn’t wear them until I started getting on her about wearing cotton little girl panties. Lauren didn’t wear them neither at first. I had to coach both of them into wearing them. These two women will do what makes me happy, and I like to keep them happy, and that is the main ingredient with both of them, and that is why I love them. And I am at the point now where I don’t want to coach anybody else on what makes me happy because it is really hard work. And that is probably why I will go back to either Sausha or Lauren if they come back to me. Now I talk to women that I know I am attracted to on sight. I am very picky at this point when it comes to talking to a new girl that I have to approach, and maybe that is why I haven’t found anyone. But in any case, like I said, I’m chilling.

I haven’t seen my daughter Janelle in like three or four months. Her mom wouldn’t agree to let me keep her in New York every other month for two weeks instead of me driving to Ohio once or twice a month to spend a weekend with her. That didn’t seem fair to me, so I said I would not be taking care of Janelle no more since she wants to put all these restrictions on me when it comes to spending time with her. She said fine, and even told her friends that I would not be in my daughter’s life anymore. I got me another lawyer and we set a court date for July 6, 2000. Victoria has the date pushed back to Sept 1, 2000. I hear she is also moving down south to Atlanta. We are going to have to work out a serious joint custody program if she moves down south. I have no plans on not seeing my daughter as much as possible before she starts all day school.

Maybe Victoria feels threatened that Janelle will love me more or hold me in a higher light than she. Victoria has been selfish with Janelle every since she was born. I may be selfish and stubborn, but I would never be selfish and stubborn with a child, especially to the other parent if I had custody. It will be alright though. I know I will have a relationship with my daughter one day, sooner or later no matter what her mother does to try and stop it. I’ve tried to be cordial with Victoria and her family, but I’m through with being nice. I am not speaking to any of them again. And if they have the nerve to ask why, I’ll tell them. All I ever asked of Victoria was to let me spend time with my daughter. I’ve never given her any trouble about money for Janelle. I never complained about child support. I never bothered Victoria about who she seen as a boyfriend. I haven’t bothered her about anything except spending time with my daughter. I guess I’m wrong for that. She may be trying to punish me for past thing in our relationship, but that is childish, and hopefully she will realize that, and realize that my daughter needs me in her life, what little I can be in it, and I also need my daughter in my life. The past is the past, there is nothing between us but a child who needs both of us, so let it be.

This year, I’m focusing on my job, my music, and my total life in New York. I’m not running home to see any women, I’m not asking any women from Warren to come and live with me. I’m just chilling. Hopefully things go smooth with my visitation case, and my daughter will be a bigger part in my life. At age 27, this is what I’ve grown to. My last year, 1999, in New York was half a waste for what time I did spend here.

Jrnl Entry No. 25.1 2.29.2000

I returned home to Warren over the last weekend just for the purpose of to get some pussy. I arrived in town about 10 P.M. over to Lauren’s house. When I arrived she didn’t smile or anything. I was figuring I would probably be leaving because she was not gonna act right, have an attitude, and not want to have the good sex we usually have when we are together. I walked in the house but didn’t get comfortable because her face didn’t say get comfortable. I had my coat on still, ready to walk out the door. She said that she was tired and what not.

She started to warm up after a while. We went to the grocery store and to Walmart. When we came back we got heated up and took our clothes off. When my dick got rock hard, I told her to get her daughter’s polaroid and let’s take some pictures. She said, “what you ask for, you shall receive.” I guess she thought I was bullshitting. I like little freakish shit like that. I was naked and I told her to take a picture of me standing by the fire place with my dick pointing straight forward. After that she told me to take a picture of her. I told her to go put on some thong underwear, and she went upstairs and put on a pair. She got down on her knees with her ass facing me. She pulled up her little see-through ankle length dress or whatever it was, you could see right through it. She turned around and looked at the camera and I snapped the picture. Then she suggested that I take one of her sucking my dick. She told me to sit on a pillow on the floor, and she put the head of my dick in her mouth and closed her eyes, and I snapped the picture; it came out nice. My dick was nice and hard and thick looking in her mouth, and her eyes were shut like she was giving me the blow job of my life.

Lauren doesn’t suck my dick often. She was doing it last year, but when I left a note in her mail box and said something about her doing it, she hasn’t done it since. I like the way she sucks my dick. It was like a teasing suck, and it feels so good. The only girl who was able to make me cum sucking my dick was Rebecca. I think that Lauren could accomplish that also if we work on it. I used to eat her pussy all the time when we first started out, but she says she didn’t like it so I stopped. Lauren and I have the best sex ever. My dick gets so hard for her. I love cuming in her pussy doggie style and with her on top. You should hear me, it sounds like I’m dying when I cum in that ass. She makes me just want to holla.

After I took the picture of her sucking my dick, I got behind her and stuck my dick in her pussy with her thong still on. I snapped a picture with the head of my dick in her pussy from the back. That was a nice picture also with her big ass up in the air in a thong, with my dick sliding the thong over a little to penetrate the pussy. I then took off her panties and snapped a picture with my dick going in from behind. After that we made love. I finished on top of her palming her as in my hands and busting a nice wet warm nut in her pussy. After that I got up and the cum rolled out of her pussy. She was lying there with her legs open. You could see the cum between her legs. I snapped a picture of her lying there. Then she got up and stood by the fire place sideways so that I could see the curb of her ass. She put her hands on her hips and I snapped another picture. We were all out of film after that. We started to watch a movie and we fell asleep naked in each other’s arms.

I’ve talked about Lauren before in the past and stated how good her pussy is to me and how we were in love until she found out I was having some kind of relations with Rebecca. She was right for getting rid of me. I was having a relationship with her and Rebecca. That was a great sexual time in my life. I’ve already talked about that also. I tried coming back into Lauren life after that, and she would let me back in partially. We would have great sex and maybe go out a couple of times, and then she would start doggin’ me, and I would leave her alone. We have went on like this for at least three years. I’ve tried to get back with her but she just dogged me. I hurt her trust I guess. This time around it seems like she is over that and she has been acting nice and we have been getting along better than any of the past times when I came back into her life.

Last year around this time, I had premature thoughts of marrying Lauren. I was seriously thinking about being with her and taking her to N.Y. with me and we would live happily ever after. But after one time of us being together after I said that, I didn’t feel the same. I saw that my love had changed for her and through all the doggin’ me when I was seriously trying to get back with her, my love for her was gone and lost. I told that I didn’t feel the same about her as I used to, and that we shouldn’t see each other. And I proceeded to move forward with my relationship with Sausha. But now since Lauren and I have been back together, it’s been good. My heart is still a little hardened toward her, but just like I fell in love with her before because when I first met her, I didn’t like; as we spent more time together, I fell in love with her. She has plans on moving to Virginia this summer. If I let her move there, we will never come together.

Lauren and I have had lots of fun together like the time when we went to Freak-Nik. We went to some club and I was freaking her on the dance floor. After the club was over, we went out to the car and fucked right in the parking lot. The one year when went to Vels on the Circle in Cleveland for New Years, and she had on this black long satin night gown type dress, and I was freaking her that night. I used to like to go places where nobody knew us and just get nasty on the floor. I like doing things like that. I have an exotic type mind. I think most people say they wouldn’t like a stripper to be their girl, but I think I would love it. I would even probably like my girl to be in porn film. I think I would be turned on by it. Like when Rebecca and I used to have threesomes with Mitchell and Tracey, I liked that shit.

I think Lauren has that type of mind also. She likes to fuck in front of a mirror and look as we are doing it. She once mentioned about having sex with two guys, but we never really discussed it. I think that is partly why we would make a good couple. We have fun together in bed, out at clubs, etc. And besides the stretch marks, I think I have mentioned this before, Lauren has the greatest ass I have ever stuck my dick into. I love the shape of her body in the clothes she wears. Bottom line is that Lauren turns me on and that is what I want in a wife. I have not been turned on by anyone like she turns me on. And now I have these pictures at my apartment and I have been looking at them every day, and thinking to myself, “how can I let this ass go, look at it.” She has the type of ass that guys love to fuck. It’s nice and round and plump.

I know I said that I really don’t want to be with a woman with three kidz, and that is not the real problem. The problem with the kidz issue that I have with Sausha is that her kidz are little and need baby sitters and shit. Lauren’s kidz are 14, 9, and 7. They can basically watch themselves. Sausha has no steady job and she wants to go to school. Lauren works as an assistant manager of bookkeeping. She is more stable in her life and can help me better to take care of her kidz than Sausha can.

I have to realize what’s important to me. Financial stability is important, sex is important, and good times are important. With Lauren bringing in some income, I don’t know how much, and with my budgeting skills, we will probably be alright. With our sex life, we should be all right. With our ability to go out and have a good time together, we should be alright. I believe we can be great friends and great lovers. I don’t know how I will be as a step-father though. Her kidz like me so I shouldn’t have a problem with them. They are passed the brat stage unlike Sausha’s youngest son Rykell. I still don’t like him. He will probably turn out to be a good kid too.

Lauren has forgotten about the past she says, and feels that we can get along. I haven’t forgotten how she was doggin’ me all those years, but I will get over it especially with all that ass in my face every night. She won my heart the first time, so I’ll see if she can do it again. If she does, we will get married later like when the kidz are grown and out the house, when she will be truly mine. If I can’t hold her off that long, I guess I’ll give in. I’m looking forward to being with her and us making a life together, and doing it like we used to. I guess it’s meant to be, otherwise, I would have been left her lone. Rhonda is not for me. She has a time and place for everything attitude that I don’t have. I will fuck in the middle of the grocery store aisle if it wasn’t against the law. Sausha has some of what I want, and some things I don’t. She says she is ready to be free now. Lauren has passed her up in the freedom department with the nude photos. Sausha says she would only do that if she was married, and I have a feeling even then that she would be stiff with it. Sausha has a lot to learn, and I don’t have time to teach it to her. I love Sausha but I’m ready for what Lauren has to offer me.