Jrnl Entry No. 5.20.2010

I’m about at my witts end with studying for the CPA Exam. My brain cannot learn anymore. I wanted to take the last part of the exam by May 26, 2010, but because I do not understand the last chapter of the study guide and I got 55% of the homework questions WRONG, and I can’t seem to concentrate and learn the material, there is no way I can learn it and re-review the other four chapters, one of which I still have yet to finish the homework for. I feel this CPA thing caving in on me. All I need is to get a failing grade on the Regulation exam I took in April, and I feel as if I will break down. I’ve studied so diligently and passionately for every part, and to fail is just so heart wrenchingly disappointing. It kills my spirit.

I got selected for jury duty on May 18, 2010. The pool of people I got selected with, we were up for a 2nd degree murder case. They randomly selected 18 people and had them answer a questionnaire about where they were from, if they were college graduates, whether they were married, if they had been victims of crimes, if they knew cops of lawyers, etc. The prosecutors and defense attorneys selected 7 jurors from the 1st 18, and 5 jurors from the 2nd 18. They never even selected me to answer the questionnaire. After they selected 12, I thought they were going to send the rest of us to be selected for another case but they gave us our dismissal papers, and told us we were finished with our jury service for the next 8 years. I decided to claim I got selected for a 3 day murder case. Today, I decided to extend it to four. FUCK MY JOB! Ain’t no sense in going in on a Friday.

I need to get chapter 4 homework done over the weekend. My brain is clouded on studying; just writing about it makes my head hurt. I’ma try to fight through this drag I’m feeling. I HOPE I CAN I HOPE I CAN! I don’t know what to do, life is so fucking boring. I never thought I’d be saying such words living in New York, but I don’t make enough money to have real fun in this city. I don’t make enough money to get the type of woman I want; a smart intelligent, real hair wearing, articulate, sexy, healthy, fashionista (who can afford it), who’s into me, who wants to or can help me make 7 to 10 figures in this lifetime; that’s $1,000,000.00 to $1,000,000,000.00. Someone who dreams big or believes in me. I’m sick of women latching on to me because I seem to be what they want. When do I get what I want? Man, fuck it! I’ve been asking these questions seems my entire life. Is that all my life is meant to be, a big unanswered question? I don’t know what will make me happy. I have this thought that Halle Berry is newly singled; if I get with her, that would solve my love problems. But who knows, I may get bored with her. What is the answer to living a fulfilled life? And please don’t talk that God shit to me. I think it’s having enough money to live how you wanna live; a job doing something you love and a man or woman you truly love who truly loves you back. NONE OF WHICH I HAVE! It’s so sad. FUCK!

Jrnl Entry No. 4.17.2010

I took my 3rd part of the CPA exam today. I do not feel at all confident that I passed. There was a simulation on there I totally blew because I had never seen the info in the material I studied. There was another little part I didn’t get to finish. Seems 75% of the shit I studied was not on the exam. I’m really going to be disappointed in myself if I do not pass the four parts in total and become a CPA. I’m planning on launching a new career, and with hard work and dedication, I plan on this being my spring board into wealth and a whole new life. And right now, at this moment, I’m feeling like my plan is not working in my favor. I really need this so that I may leave my job and demand a comfortable salary. Really, I just need to leave my current job. The place is really killing my spirit. I am so unhappy there and with the people I work with. I probably should leave even if I can only get the same salary. But with that I’m tired of not being able to live, to shop, to save enough money to buy an apartment.

I’m reading about people starting companies and running them and selling them for millions. I would like to start a company but I can’t save the money needed to give it a little jump start. My plan is to make more money being a CPA, use the extra money I make to start my own company of some sort. So if the CPA thing doesn’t work out, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to leave my job and end up in the same place I’m in now; same money, no opportunity for advancement, my work going unnoticed and/or ignored, or critically scrutinized for the minutest of error. My life is not working out. It never has. I wanted to be a rapper; DIDN’T HAPPEN! I tried to be a producer; DIDN’T HAPPEN. I tried dabbling in music magazine writing; NO LIGHT THERE. Every little thing I’ve done to try and make my life a little brighter since college graduation and finding my 1st job and subsequently moving to New York; nothing after that has worked out to my satisfaction. I’m sick of thinking, trying and waiting for a better day. But you know, what else can I do? Everyone says, “at least you’re trying, moving forward”. Fuck that, It’s time for the next phase of my life: beautiful wife, beautiful house, beautiful car, beautiful career. IT’S TIME, IT’S TIME, IT’S FUCKING TIME!

I had a job interview with Equinox Gyms. A senior accountant position. Hopefully I can get about 12K to 15K raise out of the deal. I’ve really been mulling over this Accounting and Financial services firm. I know a guy, who says he has his series 7 license. I know another guy who graduated from Penn State Wharton Business school; another guy, my frat brother who graduated with his MBA from some school in Chicago. I’m soon to obtain my CPA. Now with 4 African Americans; 1 with his trading and securities license, 2 with their MBA and 1 with his CPA; if we can’t come together and start a successful, growing and prosperous corporation, NIGGERS ARE TRULY STUPID and meant to be slaves to white men for all eternity. I truly believe that. My plan is to take these guys and monopolize the Black Wealth Market entirely. I’m talking about Black Men Controlling ALL BLACK AMERICAN WEALTH. Individuals with net worth of $1 Million of more, that net worth will be controlled and maintained by us. And have every Black Accountant and trader and lawyer clamoring to work for us. It’s time Black people come together on our own terms and make something happen For Us By Us, NO BULLSHITTING! I’m tired of seeing these rich, just white men running everything, obtaining all the wealth.

Jrnl Entry No. 2.24.2010

I wrecked my car last Thursday night. I was feeling excited about my future and was treating myself to drinks at 230 Fifth Avenue, eponymously named after its actual address. I was at Chrystie and Dulancey. The light to cross Dulancey was turning red and cars started filling up the intersection turning onto Dulancey so I couldn’t go straight across. Me, being impatient, I drove left of center to go around the cars filing up the intersection. At the same time, my light to go across the intersection had turned red, so when I got around the cars, I met, smack dead on with perpendicular on-coming traffic and a car slammed into my passenger side fender. DAMN! So I had just saved up $1,300 and was feeling good about that, now I’d have to spend it on getting both my, and the other guys car fixed. I was expecting a call from the guy who hit me with an estimate of approximately $1,300 to fix his car; meanwhile, the tow and autobody shop my car was at was trying to negotiate me into paying $2,200 to fix my car. The guy never called me with an estimate so I went about the process of having my car removed from the autobody shop which was trying to rip me off. I took my car to the mechanic and autobody shops behind the NY Mets Citifield. I negotiated to have it fixed for $1,300.00, which was still a rip off, but a least cheaper than the 1st rip off offer. They replaced my right front side fender and front bomper, front right axel and suspension. So I was glad I was able to afford to have it fixed. A month later I had to replace the electrical switch behind the ignition. All this getting my car fixed has left me broke. Plus now I have to put extra on my credit card at Bloomingdales for the $1,100 suit I bought. I had paid $350.00 on it when I just got my recent statement; I got hit with a $12.80 finance charge. I hate financing charges. I would have been paid it off if I hadn’t got into that car accident. Plus I’ve promised a few of my cousins I’d pay registration and transportation cost, including rental SUV to Mississippi for our family reunion. On top of that, my daughter is due to come to New York from July till August. Looks like I’m gonna be cash straped until October.

Wish I could do something to make enough money to not have to worry about how much money I spend. I’m hoping my CPA license will do the trick or at least bring me up two comfort levels from where I am now. I failed the 2nd part of the exam I took in Jan 2010, Auditing. I hope it doesn’t take me two tries to pass each one of the four parts. I’m two for two on double takes. At $275.00 each time, that could cost me $2,200 in addition to the $3,200 I paid for the Becker prep course. $5,400 in total to be a CPA. I guess that is better than the $60,000 it would cost to go to Fordham University for grad school to receive my MBA. I take my 3rd part of the exam on Saturday April 17, 2010 8 A.M. Regulation: tax, contracts and bankruptcy. I feel prepared, but I thought I was well prepared for the auditing exam. I failed by four points. DAMN!

Jrnl Entry No. 1.17.2010

I am scheduled to take the Auditing & Attestation part of the CPA Exam Jan 19, 2010 5 P.M. I got my results back for the Financial & Reporting part of the exam which I took on Oct 31, 2009. I received the results via the internet, on Dec 28, 2009. I got a score of 79, which a score of 75 is needed to pass. I studied since August 2008 for that part; vigorously at 1st, with plans to take the exam in Jan 2009. That plan got thwarted with the death of my cousin Jeff, by motorcycle accident on Sat, Nov 1, 2008, 3 days before his birthday and also his birthday was Nov 4th, the day the First African American Man was elected President of the United States of America. You know it’s funny, life’s coincidences. The most important day in World History of the past four or five generations, also my cousin’s birthday, HE DID NOT LIVE TO SEE. Also, 364 days after the day of my cousin’s death, I sat for and passed the most critical, detailed and arduous part of the CPA Exam.

When I started this journey, which I knew would take hard work and dedication, a tapering of social activities, etc; more hard work than I’ve ever had to put in to do anything, or rather in such a short period of time. I’d planned on taking all four parts of the exam in one year. I’d planned on coming home after work every day and studying form 7 P.M. to 11 P.M.  or 12 A.M. and all day Saturdays and Sundays. Well, I stuck to that time constraint, but I wasn’t digesting the info fast enough so I had to revise my plan. When my cousin died I slowed down my studying, and also started dating and flying back and forth to Columbus, OH to see my cousin’s 21 year old niece-in-law who I met at his funeral. My cousin’s death slowed down my urgency, so I had to revise my plan for the CPA Exam. I ended up taking the FAR part of the Exam June 2009. I didn’t finish the exam, and plus the parts I did finish, I didn’t do well on, so I knew when I left I didn’t do well. When I received my score, I had a 59. I took the summer off, decided to take a prep course which cost me $3,100.00 to begin in Sept 2009. The class really wasn’t that much help. The instructors flew through the material, really no questions asked. If I hadn’t been studying the material in detail, 10 months prior, I would have been confused as hell; the way the instructors breezed through the material. But it was easy for me to catch on and re-review, and hone in on the areas I was weak in understanding. But anyway, I finished the exam the second time around. I still didn’t feel confident I had passed. So my plan was to study for both the auditing and FAR parts for 3 weeks in January 2010, then take both exams during the 4th week of the month. When I found out I passed the FAR part and wouldn’t have to put myself through so much drudgery, boy was I elated. I’ve taken the audit part. I feel confident I passed than both times leaving from the FAR Exam, but still I am unsure. It feels good to be halfway finished with this process.

I’m excited about becoming a CPA. I’m hoping I can begin to work independently and make a wealthy or affluent living wage. I would like to manage entertainers’, sports’ figures and rappers’ money: pay their taxes, invest their money for them, pay their bills; shit, I can even become their personal stylist. As a gift to myself, and also because I needed it, bought myself a 100% wool two piece suit today from Bloomingdales. I was walking past, and just like a fine beautiful woman, the suit on the mannequin caught my eye. The price of the pants, $275.00 I could handle, but the jacket at $675.00 I definitely had to think about. Here were my thoughts. 1. I need a suit. 2. The color grey & black wool tweed is classic and I could wear it for years to come. 3. The suit is representative of the style, class and quality – not only of what I like for my life to portray – but what I would like my life to be. 4. As a CPA trying to gain the confidence and trust of clients, the chic professionalism of the suit would help with that, so It’s actually an investment in my future. And, I have a few grand saved up, so though it went on my store credit card, I could actually pay for it flat out, which I will within a month anyway. Billy Reid was the brand of the suit. Now I must buy a shirt to go with it and this also forces me to purchase a pair of black dress shoes. I got my heart set on a pair of cap-toe classic black Ferrogamos $460.00. I may check on a pair of Barker Blacks $700.00 or Berluti $1,100.00. I don’t know why, but I have a proclivity for luxury. I need wool, wood and genuine leather in my life and I’m gonna try and work hard to get it and make it affordable. I do not want to live life on credit, at least not for shoes and clothes.

So my reason for studying and taking the CPA Exam is because at age – yrs old, people do not seem to take me seriously. I’m unsure why but I think it’s because as people say, I DO NOT LOOK MY AGE. The other reason I think is because I’m Black! It seems, on the surface, no one, not even Black women, take Black men seriously. My frat brother told me 9 yrs ago, I needed to change my dress code from the Hip Hop baggy jeans and Timberlands to more chic and dress clothes. While at age –, I started to work on that, it definitely helped with the quality of ladies who look my way; at work, switching from baggy khakis and boxy ugly button up shirts, to nicely fitting slacks and shirts seemed to make people jealous and competitive; look at me like “who does he think he is!?”  

At work, it seems like they deny me responsibility, give me little credit for any hard work I do complete expeditiously, and for damn sure SPOT LIGHT any MISTAKES I make without any mentoring on what to do better. It feels like they do not want me to advance; one reason I am not telling them I am taking the CPA Exam. They might not take me serious, or they may try and thwart my studying and completion of the exam by piling on responsibility. What I might do is go to them when I complete my CPA and demand more responsibility and $20,000 extra in salary. Hell, this one girl came in making $80,000 and according to a document I saw, they just gave he a $13,000 raise. They made a big fuss about giving me $6,000 raise. At the same time I tell them that, I’ll be looking to get the hell out of there. FUCK THEM!

But I really don’t want to work for anyone else, I have all these ideas about businesses. 1. Non-Profit Organization. 2. Ethnic Greeting Card company. 3. Out-of-Home Advertising Company. 4. Accounting & Financial Planning firm. 5. Trivia Pursuit game idea. I would like to pursue them all; working all day on most days from 8AM-12AM 80 Hrs a week.

Jrnl Entry No. 10.3.2003

So I’ve decided to put my own album out. This industry is a trip. No one is willing to help you out to let you in and that is the bottom line. I would say that getting into this shit is like hitting the lottery for a small jackpot, and once you spend that up you are ass out cause most niggaz just get a little money and then go broke in the game. I got good product, so I think, so I’m gonna get a few MCs that I know and get them to record my songs. I’ve been listening to this shit for 17 years, dreaming about getting into it for 15 years, and actually trying to make my dreams come true for five years.

For the five years that I’ve been trying to make my dreams come true, I have seen none to very little results. I got a call back from Black Rob about a beat tape I gave him like when I first got to New York, right around the same time he was coming down off of his “WHOA”, one hit wonder, high. He called me and left a message. I called him back left a message. I called him back and left another message. I approached him on the street about our calls to each other, and I haven’t heard from him since or called him. I’m not calling nobody else who claims to be in the music industry. I’ma put out my own shit and try to promote steady and hard, THE ONLY CHILD! I’ma see if I can get some niggaz to call me. I feel like I know what it takes to make a good album, or I should know from listening to all the albums I have at home, so I’m gonna give my knowledge a go. If my knowledge doesn’t show me any results, then maybe I’ll quit.

I’ve tried everything: handing out beat tapes to rappers with deals (Talib Kweli, Raekwon, Black Rob, Lord Have Mercy, Rampage, Rah Digga, Graig Mack, DJ Clue, Skane, The Hood Fellaz.) I’ve tried to go out and meet people to talk to them to see who and what they know and if they could connect me to anyone. I’ve tried not handing out my beat CDs unless we have a face to face second meeting. I’ve given my stuff to people who work for Bad Boy (Damon Eden, Hen-Roc). I’ve given my stuff to people who work at Violator (Andre Neal). I’ve tried hanging out with so-called rappers who know a lot of people and who get into any club or big party in New York for free (Metaphor, Combination). I’ve tried making a connection with a guy from the town I went to college in, Youngstown, guy by the name of Rufus who had an album out under Chad Elliot and Al West; album called, “Credentials” He works at Ark Angel studio with a guy by the name of Prince Charles Alexander who is a mixer/engineer in the industry and has mixed for Mary J Blige, Faith Evans, Angie Stone, etc. Rufus writes R&B songs. He wrote”Jumpin Jumpin” for Destiny’s Child. He wrote a song for Angie Stone on her second album. He never put me on to anyone in the business. SoI’m through with all that shit.

I am __ years old and I have been dreaming about getting into the music industry since I was __ years of age and that many years is a long time to be dreaming. I’m gonna try to give it one last hard go and if that doesn’t work, I’m quittin’! I will hang up the towel and just face the fact that I wasn’t meant to be the next Dr. Dre or Pharrell of the Neptunes, or Pete Rock, or DJ Premier, or Timbaland, or just any no name album filler producer. I will let the dream die with the thought that, “I gave it a serious try.” Trying is worth something after all, right? I think it is because if you never try you will never know if you could have made it or not. It seems as if I can’t make it, so hey.

It also seems I can’t make it with relationships also. My two relationships with women who had three kids were great it seemed, as if they could last forever. My relationship with a 24 year old with one kid, a good job, sexy, stylish, etc., it is falling apart also. We recently moved in together and I notice that she doesn’t pay attention to me and that she rarely wants to have sex. She often ignores little words or things I say to her. I can say “BOO!”. Instead of her saying, “was that suppose to scare me?” she’ll say nothing, look at me like I’m stupid and go on about her way. I can’t be in a relationship like that. I’m not too worried about it because I still look good, bitches still give me eyes. But what if I didn’t look good, we __ or older and I still find myself not being able to get along with a bitch? I would have to deal with it, but that really wouldn’t be a good situation to be in. I don’t know where my life is headed right now and where I’ll land because it seems that at the rate this relationship is goin, it’s not gonna have a happy ending. But I guess in the end, all will work out how it was meant to be. Right now I’m meant to be in New York, broke, no job, not many friends, no where to go exciting, not too interested in fucking with all these sexy bitches in this city for fear of catching aids because condoms ain’t my thang.

Maybe it’s meant for me to put this album out and the shit blows up. The way I want to do is promote like a big label album with big posters and flyers. I want to promote in Chicago, LA, Detroit, Cleveland, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Buffulo New York, and possibly Canada. Maybe that is my fate. I can remember when I was little around the house in Warren in the Highland Terrace Projects with my two aunts buying and listening to 45s. I think the music got into me from way back then. I guess looking at my life just in general, you never know what is affecting you and how it is affecting you until years down the road and look back on it.

Like now at age __, I’m starting to think that fucking at the age of 13 and having a girlfriend at 14 – 16 and having lots and lots of sex, having a girlfriend at age 17-18 and having lots and lots of sex, having two girlfriends at age 20 – 24 and having double lots and lots of sex, having a girlfriend from age 24 – 26 and having lots and lots of sex. All that sex at such an early age has left my sex drive at this point kinda low I think. My dick doesn’t get as hard as it used to. I’m not excited about it as I used to be. I see all kind of bitches in New York City that I could try to and probably make it fucking around with them, but I don’t have the desire. For the first time in my life being single or having a girlfriend, I turned down some pussy from an 18 year old at that. I didn’t turn down Carmel when she met me at a gas station on Wednesday and I was over her house on Friday night fucking her. She was white and fat. She wasn’t thick. She was fat. I didn’t turn her down though. And it turned out that on her back she would fuck you to death, wiggle that ass around so much, you’d think she was having a seizure. She wouldn’t let me fuck her any other way but missionary. But that was some good missionary pussy. I turned down an 18 year old who I was two days away from fucking if I had hung in there. Many guys don’t start fucking until age 16, 17 and even then they still don’t have as much sex as I did from age 14 to 16 until either they move out of their parents home, in with a girlfriend, or until they are married. Now, I’m feeling the effect of that. But thank god they have created Viagra, a get your dick hard and stay hard pill. I’m not ready for Viagra yet though. Hopefully, if I keep exercising, and keep my blood circulation up, I won’t ever need it. At age __, I started a little exercise program. I started with just running just one lap around a ¼ mile track and stopping for breath and rest. At age __, I’m up to a whole mile straight and I guess the ¼ mile and whole miles will just keep growing and growing.

I have a job interview on Monday with this company of god knows when I sent them my resume. I came to the library to look them up on the internet but the internet is down. I need a job badly right now. My girlfriend Watrina has been nice so far but she won’t be always, especially with my attitude and her attitude clashing against each others. I don’t know what the problem is. We are two beautiful people who should be able to see that we can have a bright future together and we should be trying to preserve that future in advance, but it seems as if we are not. Maybe she doesn’t think that I am beautiful, or maybe she is trying to tear me down or break me down from thinking so highly of myself. Maybe she knows that I have labeled her as my only girl with all the right credentials so she feels she can do what she wants to do and treat me like she wants whether I like it or now. Well she can’t and she will find that out soon enough as Victoria did.

I think Victoria thought that since I had her baby that I was obligated to stay with her, or that I had a new job and was afraid of child support. She tried ignoring me and not giving me sex and you see where she is at. I just don’t respond to that threat of no sex well, and I probably never will. Watrina says I only pay attention to her when I want sex. And so it has been since we moved in together that half the time I have made an advance for it she has turned me down. She turned me down the morning before she was to go on a trip out of town for her job where this guy she thought was gay, whom she eventually ending up liking and going to dinner with him, was gonna be. She got home from her trip and diddn’t have very much to say to me. She got up this morning and didn’t say anything to me. It’s heading toward where we are just gonna be living together and not talking, just sleeping in the same bed or she will sleep with her daughter until I leave. I will try not to leave but I don’t think my ego will allow me to stay with a bitch who seems to be ignoring me. So I’ll see what happens with my relationship.

I’ll see what happens with this album thing. I’m see what happens with life and my future because right now it doesn’t seem to be bright in no aspect. If I didn’t have my daughter, and things were this bad, I’d probably kill myself. But then again, my daughter is a reason why things are this bad so maybe without her they wouldn’t be so bad. And just in case something should happen to her and this is getting read in court: I don’t want my daughter to go away. I love her very much. Sure, things would probably be better if she went away but I wouldn’t have a part in her going away. I don’t wish her away. I’m just looking at the reality of what I think the situation would be if she wasn’t here. I think people would be lying to themselves if they didn’t think about the best and worse case scenarios of their lives with and without their present situations. Like what if you weren’t married to that fat bitch who was so fine and beautiful in her 20s but as soon as the 30s hit and the second kid came along, her ass went south. Now you don’t look at her the way you used to. You are only there because you are used to her, probably too old and fat yourself to get another finer bitch, and you don’t have the power and money to survive child support, alimony and the demands of a hotter sweeter, and maybe younger bitch. And of course, yeah, you love her too. THINK ABOUT IT!

Jrnl Entry No. 6.29.2003

Well, my daughter left New York this morning. We, (her mom andI) were to have a six week summer visitation plan, just as the standard, long distance, visitation agreement says. Janelle, says she doesn’t want to stay that long because when she gets bored, expecially at night, she starts missing her mother. For the most part, she’s fine when she’s here, no problems. But since Victoria wants to be a good mother who listens to her child and plus, she probably has a hard time being away from Janelle we agreed upon 3 wks in June, 3 Wks in August. So it is that, and since, if we would follow the way we’ve been doing things, that would require me to make 4 trips back and forth from New York to Ohio to pick Janelle and my mother up and drop them off; now, when my car was new and I was excited about taking trips in it and driving back and forth from New York to Ohio, thinking I was doing something, mobile, not stuck in Ohio with no life or half a life at best; back, three years ago, taking all those trips was fine. But, New York is my home now. I been here four years, and I hate taking trips to Ohio, and plus my car has 120,000 miles on it.

The plan was Janelle stay three weeks, Victoria come and pick her and my mom up in New York and take them back to Ohio. Just so happens Victoria fucked me out of a week and I only got to spend to two weeks with Janelle. On her pick up mission, Victoria wanted me to meet her an hour outside of New York in Pennsylvania.For one, she picked up Janelle in New York before in Jamaica Queens, so why this time, she ask me to drive an hour out of my way? For two, the hour drive was not a part of the original deal. For three, she’s been dicking me on visitation from the beginning; the first year of Janelle’s life until I went to court; when I first moved to New York until I went to court again; and in 2002, I only seen Janelle a total spreadout, one month the whole year. So fuck her; she has to follow my direction, which she was scared shitless to do, and meet me in New York City to pick up Janelle. Since she was mad, she didn’t take my mom back to Ohio.

I had my FINALl fight with Watrina. We’ve been dating for two years now and every since the beginning, because initially she wasn’t serious and had friends calling her cell phone all the time; over the past two years, she has called her self being serious and has gotten rid of a few friends. But one guy in particular, Thurston, calls her often and tells her about his life and she tells about hers I suppose. This same guy, in our first six months of dating, invited her to Vegas to initiate his killer advance attack to fuck her. She went; she claims she didn’t fuck him; he tried rubbing on her, but she made him sleep on the floor. That could be true, but it could also be true that she fucked him. I rule out neither possiboility. She claims they’ve been friends since she met him on a trip to visit her sister in Kansas City when she was twenty. But this guy, even though she says she told him she don’t feel him that way, he’s just persistent in his effort to maintain a friendship in hopes of fucking her one day; she knows it and I know it, but she still allows this friendship to exist even though, I, the guy she says she’s made a commitment to be with in life, doesn’t agree with the friendship and wants it to end. Thurston called her yesterday while we were at her cousin’s baby 1st birthday party together. He calls most of the time when we are together like when we were at disney world he called. So I ask her, ‘what do I gotta do to get Thurston out of my life?” She says, “stop answering my phone and listening to my messages.” She was making it clear that she is gonna talk to this guy no matter what I think, want and feel about it. I started to ask her what I got to do to get Thurston out of her life, but I rest my case and stood silent for the rest of the day to contemplate can I be with this young lady who is suppose to be serious and trying to build a future with me, but who blatently is disrespecting my feelings on this other male friend issue.

She asked me did I want to see her later that night and I said, “no”. She asked was I gonna see her ever again and I said, “I don’t know.” We rode silent for a moment again and then she ask, “can I make a phone call.” I didn’t say anything. She picks up her cell phone and calls Thurston to talk about his day. I tried to keep my cool. About three minutes into the conversation, I grab her cell phone and throw it out my car window. After her pointing hard on the side of my head and asking why I did that and saying I was gonna buy her a new phone, we were five minutes away from her house and she tries to get her daughter and get out the car. Now, I wasn’t gonna let her do that so she’s fighting to get out the door, and I’m fighting to keep her in. I almost got into one accident. It’s surprising how close you can be to a car and actually swerve and miss it. So we fighting the whole five minutes home. Finally, when we get in front of her door, and I think its over, she grabs my keys. My car was in neutral and I hadn’t put the break on yet. I hopped out the car on the passenger side to go after her and get my keys and the car went rolling down the hill and scrapped the side of a jeep grand cherokee. I have to not pay rent and pay $1,200 to fix that car. I’m already $3,000 behind on my rent. I might be on my way to eviction.

So now I got no girl, no job, no money, soon to probably not have an apartment. Is this what I get for not believing in god? But I’m calm through all of this. I guess  I’ll see how this turns out. I plan on not talking to Watrina anymore. I plan on taking Victoria to court to get our visitation finalized. I had a good interview with the YMCA and they’ll pay $50,000 which is $10,000 more than I was making. I still got my good looks, my good dick and tongue game which keeps any woman coming back like “The Magic Stick”.

My music is not going anywhere, and now is one of those times when I’m losing faith in it, but my music strength and faith will get back up in time. My life to me is better than some, but yet still fucked up to my in my eyes.

THE BLACK MAN IS FINISHED circa: 2005

The Black Man in America is finished. Star & Buckwild on Power 105.1 NYC said it first.

I am under the impression that he is right. One reason for me lending credence to his statement is: 1. I just started working as a temp in the finance department of a large insurance company. In the office here I see a large Asian population as the minority group of choice for employment; both men and women. There are about four black women and three black men in the entire building. Also what I have been seeing on the streets of New York City is beautiful African American women, both mixed race black, light-skinned and dark walking hand in hand with white men; quality black women who look gainfully employed, fashionable and sexy, they are with white men.

So the situation is this. Black men have a 50% unemployment rate in New York City. I have a bachelor’s degree and I can’t seem to find or keep a job so what does that say about those without a degree? They are working shit jobs with minimal pay and no benefits, and sistahs are not trying to hear it. Add to that, a few kids, criminal record and bad credit or no credit at all; it all adds up to the fact that black men’s approval rating for employment in a white or other ethic-group owned business establishment is falling to ZERO also. No one wants to deal with us.

I happen to think that I am honest and hardworking with integrity, but yet, after countless phone screening calls for interviews because my name is a very American name – which some of the calls get diverted because of my deep African American voice – and also countless interviews where I’ve interviewed well, spoken well, written thank you letters expressing my interest in the position as well as follow up letters to show my interest even further, I have yet to come up with a full-time job paying me a competitive salary where I can live comfortably in the New York City area.

Add to the aforementioned, the brothers who think they are gonna hustle for life, act like, dress like, talk like and dream to have a recording contract to become the next Jay Z; you have a population that is quickly becoming irrelevant and obsolete to society as a whole. With President Bush in office, the government is not looking after us {neither did President Obama}. We damn sure ain’t looking after ourselves. There is no hope for black men, especially when black women who are classy and sassy and independent don’t want anything to do with us. We won’t die, but we will be just as good as dead in America with everyone ignoring us, with us competing against ourselves and not supporting one another, WE ARE DOOMED!

Now if you take this theory into consideration seriously, it could give validity to the statement of one politician; we need to start aborting the black ghetto babies. Because look at the stats: for the millions being born, especially black males, only 10 % of them will make it to be something in life if we continue living by the system of, “be a good boy so a white man will give you a good job.” The white man is only employing 1%-5%, rarely 10% minorities into his corporation; half of the 10% will be of other ethnic groups, non-African American, and the 1%-5% of African Americans he employs, half of those will be women; that leave ½% – 2.5% African American males employed within American corporations, gainfully employed to take care of their family in whole or in part.

In America, our situation has gotten better since civil rights, but taking a look in large cities such as Atlanta, New York, Chicago things are really remaining the same; while it is illegal to discriminate, it’s all being done blatantly anyway in legal fashion. Take for example, every time an African American waves a gun in the presence of police in New York or even appear to reach for a gun or have an object that is presumed to be a gun, HE IS INSTANTLY GUNNED DOWN TO DEATH, 30 to 40 ROUNDS TO THE CHEST, ARMS AND LEGS! But just a week ago, a 24 year old white male was waving a gun in the presence of cops; yes they shot him, but only three times with one bullet puncturing his stomach and HE LIVED! Also turns out that he was a cop himself off duty who had just been beaten by a gang of guys in the store that he was shot in front of. When you are young and white, you get shot 3 times and you live; when you are young and black, you get shot 40 times AND YOU DIE INSTANTLY, and it is all justified by the mayor and police commissioner.

Even though it’s 2005 / And the shit is not allowed to the eye / In my mind it’s alive and well. Everybody, even the black man himself is against the Black man. You got black students at Harvard refusing to identify with being black. You got black people who don’t want to identify with black movies and television shows. It seems as if everyone wants to mix with the white man and just forget themselves and soak up all of the white man culture. We have taken the notion of mixing and learning and being open minded a little too far whereas we want to forget “Big Mamma and Nem’”, Uncle Ernest and Aunt Bertha.

It seems as if all men who make it at least to corporate middle class status want something light on their arm, whether that is light or white. How did it come to this? My frat brother came to New York and we were walking around down in SoHo. Every woman he commented on was light or white. He noticed this one particular white lady and granted, what he said about her, “she is classy” was true, but also I noticed that when fine beautiful dark women walked past, he did not utter one comment about them. I had to say something to him about it. Of course he gave the, “I love all women” speech. His wife is light skinned, and granted she is beautiful – when I first met her I personally wished she was mine, or that I’d one day have a woman just as beautiful. But, if I’m being honest with myself, I want a brown to dark sista with full lips and round nose and dimples, ass and thighs and hips and nice breast.

Eunice 3.1.2006 MARRIAGE DRAMA!

Mrs. Eunice,

What is going on? Let me give it a few guesses. Romeo is not showing you enough affection. He works, gives a little, or more than a little, or hell, no help at all with the kids. (I don’t know, I’m not there.) He tries to maintain his health, exercises, etc. He’s trying to do well at his job, to be somebody in the company with status and a larger paycheck. He’s helping you out with the stores and you both are working on strategy to open more stores, or sell them; stack that money for retirement, kids’ college education, or invest it in a new line of business.

Now for some reason or another, you two do not communicate well. You two had or have trust issues. Have you ever found some blood and cum sucking, home wrecking tricks’ number in his phone? If he doesn’t talk to you, I know part of the reason why. Eunice, when I first met you, you did not leave me with the greatest impression. It was in Billings, Montana; you were wining and complaining about not having anything to wear out, and how Romeo had talked about this pair of jeans he suggested you wear. They were fitting and they looked nice on you; Levis, I think they were. The next complaint was at the function we went to and three other couples were at the table. I think it was a Tyler Perry Play, or something similar. You were complaining because he was trying to split his attention between you and I; that he wasn’t hugging you and holding your hand.

Let me tell you something about men. All of that complaining and lamenting about things small as a grain of salt causes nothing but a shut down in us. If you wanted his and your hand to connect, why didn’t you grab his hand? And even when you are doing something and it seems like your man isn’t responding the way you want him to, he may be responding in a different unknown way. Like say for example at the table if you had grabbed his hand, and he may not have acknowledged the fact, but kept on talking with me; would he be ignoring you? On the surface and to a certain type of woman, it would seem so. But in reality; internally, and to another type of woman, he thought to himself, “I love my wife; I love the fact that she wants my hand in connection with hers, and she took the silent initiative to make the connection. I Love Her! I’ll have to return a similar gesture to her, or even a greater gesture in the near future.” That certain type of woman I’m talking about is beautiful and she knows it. She’s confident in herself, in her situation.

At that point in time, you were younger then, had no kids; both you and Romeo had good jobs, making good paper. You were saving to purchase your first home, and to accomplish what you have right now. You two probably have more to accomplish, but you are about to fuck it all up; throwing static in the plans. That’s right, YOU!

Let me break this down for you as to why I am saying YOU! You new age independent bitches have gotten the patriarchal hierarchy of the family structure twisted. You are forgetting that you are the right hand that washes the left of your man and keeps him clean. You are the back-bone that keeps your man standing; for without you and your support, he is and shall be crippled and paralyzed. You are supposed to walk behind your man to watch his back. But now you want to walk side by side. And guess what, we men are cool with that. We don’t want you to be peons and ponds in the game. We want you to be that queen by our side on the throne. But you women these days are trying to be the damn king and/or beat him at the game running the kingdom. You are not trusting the king, his judgement, criticizing his decisions, and puncturing his spirit. You mock the king, and in essence, the kingdom which was under his rule, begins to, and eventually will crumble. You are destroying your king and kingdom which YOU helped him build and maintain. You are not trusting your king because you are listening to peasants whose kingdoms are half the size or even smaller in size than yours, tell you stories of what other kings do and have done; therefore, your king MIGHT be doing them also. But before you buy into what the peasants are selling you, stop and think that they may be trying to see your kingdom fall so theirs can look better.

There is something else; I know you have a competitive spirit, and you and Romeo both speak in terms of, “I wish I was you, you got it good in this relationship or in this life.” What the hell is that? You have been married for 7,8,9, 10 years. You both should be moving in one direction: He gets a raise, you should be happy and joking, more money and shopping for you. You get your MBA, “let’s celebrate, my baby is intelligent, beautiful and no slouch in the bedroom neither.” You need help with the kids, he got you in that department You need help with the stores, he got that for you. He has to work late, you got home ready for him when he gets home. In a marriage, you shouldn’t be that competitive and causing tension by always trying to compare and exploit the flaws of one another. Yeah, so you will always find flaws in someone, but if it really bothers you, ask your partner to correct the flaw. But maybe you two are past the point of logical communication.

I know in this past relationship with Watrina, I talked and tried to work shit out with her more than with any other girl. I was in love for the first time since twelfth grade, but because of her youth, talking to other guys, seemingly ignoring our attempt at serious communication to fix problems; things going back to the same cycle a month after our talk; doing the, “get out” act twice before this last time, and doing stupid shit trying to spark ire and jealously in me that I ignored; last year, I loved her less and was at the point of not caring to communicate with her. By the time she threw me out this last time, due to her insecurity and accusation of me cheating, and trying or rather disrespecting issues we had talked about previously, I was completely out of love with no need to talk. I’m gone, do not miss her and have no thought of going back. So due to her drama and bullshit, sort of like what you have been giving Romeo, I went from – “she’s smart and intelligent; she has a good job making good money; we could build a nice future together and make some business power moves; her daughter is smart (may be a famous entertainer some day); her daughter and my daughter get along well; she is caring, giving and kind hearted; she is beautiful and our sex is electric and very pleasurable;” – all of those feelings and thoughts to FUCK HER! I have no feeling or longing for her; no love left for her, all because of the same drama, distrust and grief you give Romeo.

What, this is like the third time I know of that he has left his house to spend a week or two elsewhere. Soon enough he’s gonna take the hurt and he is gonna stay gone; work out visitation, money, give you the house and wait for the divorce to go through, take the alimony and child support hit and that will be that. You are working your way to that point.

I talked to him and this time around there was exasperation that I never heard before when talking about this situation. And maybe you’re a little weary also of him and his actions and/or non-reactions to your problems. If you find him and/or he finds you to be that cantankerous of an individual, then you both need to be adults and come to the decision mutually; you are not ultimately compatible, and this shit is not good for your kids especially Conotry.

I thought I was on my way to marrying Watrina just as you think you are gonna stay together and work it out through all of the continuous drama because you are compatible on so many levels, but if you are not ultimately compatible, as Watrina and I were not, one of these drama episodes of so-called separation is gonna be THE END!

Eunice, you are beautiful; you have a beautiful husband’ you have a beautiful home; you have two beautiful children and two beautiful cars. Now what’s fuckin’ with that? YOU ARE !

Take it from me, if Romeo is not responding to the drama, it’s not another woman, it’s best for a man to ignore that shit rather than scream and holla and stress.

Jrnl Entry No. 1.4.2004

Life has landed me in Morrow Georgia about 20 minutes south of Atlanta. I left N.Y. in a hurry, maybe too much of a hurry. I found an ATM card of this guy who has either fucked my ex-girlfriend or he is just persistent in his efforts to be her friend until he gets her in the right place and time to fuck her when she has her guard down. He paid for her a Hawaii trip two years ago, and she claims he slept on the floor, which I highly doubt. I found one ATM card of  his a month ago and I left her for three days. With this second card, I think I’m gone for good.

I kind of think she wants me gone. We’ve argued about this guy Thurston since the Hawaii trip. I seriously expressed my dislike and comfortlessness (not a word) and she seriously has discarded my feelings on the subject. So maybe this was her nice way of or round about in-direct way of getting me out of her life. Well, when a bitch wants you gone, you can force yourself through the bullshit and stay or you can just leave. I chose the ladder; no crying, asking why, no tearing up shit, just pack ya shit and leave.I’m having small thoughts of going back, but I can’t trust her to leave this guy alone, and I’m not dealing with that.

So I’m in Georgia now, I’m thinking to find me a beautiful, thick, big booty, dark to brown skinned girl, who wears her own hair, to love. I’m thinking of starting a long distance relationship with Shakira, she’s my cousin Carla’s 1st cousin on her father’s side. Shakira is 22, a senior in college, and beautiful, and has some big tidys. But do I really wanna try to be with someone 8 yrs my junior. I already tried that with someone 6 yrs my junior and look where I’m at; searching for a new love.

People say I’m hurt, but I really ain’t. You hurt when you at home crying to ya momma like, “why don’t she love me.” I’m in Georgia kicking it. I don’ even busted two nuts with another bitch’ now how is that for hurt? I love myself too much to be sittin’ around sulkin over some bitch who didn’t appreciate me and all of my qualities.

I’m missing New York, but I know all it will take is one bite of a sweet, round ass, Georgia peach to make me forget all about it and Watrina. I wanted the New York life, the glory of making it in the hardest city in the world to make it in. I wanted the music industry. I’m goin through some serious withdrawal symptoms over these past three days, and that is what this letter is about; to ease my symptoms of withdrawal. Funny though, my urges to call Watrina and hear what she has to say, and maybe go back to what I called home, are not that strong.

I have this feeling that this move could turn out for the best, especially once I get the hell outta my aunts smoky ass house. She and her son are depressing me. All she does is sit on the couch all day and puff on cigarettes. All he does is sleep until it’s time for him to work his 4 PM – 12 AM security guard shift. He don’t go nowhere else, wears a busted fro, ain’t got no style, and no bitches. I think at age 21, he is still al virgin. It probably ain’t safe around here. Those are the type that kill everybody in they sleep and then kill themselves, or call the cops and plead insanity.

I’m in a toss up right now, but really I’m not because I ain’t goin back to Watrina after this. I’M THROUGH!

I don’t know what my future holds but its gotta hold something better than the bitch I’m thinking of spending my life with having many male friends who don’t seem like friends at all, and one nigga giving her his ATM card.

Queen and Slim

“This is directed to whoever in listening range / A yo the whole state of thangs in this world bout to change” (Black Thought of The Roots “The Next Movement” Things Fall Apart album, 1999). I say that to say Lena Waithe (screenplay writer of Queen and Slim) has an uncanny ability of bringing across significant, real, Black cultural expression unmatched by nearly all who have come before her. 
Enter: QUEEN AND SLIM
When I go to a movie, I do not like to research what it will be about. When I saw posters pop up in and around Los Angeles for the film Queen and Slim, my first thought was that it was about a drug dealer in the 80s and his girl. As you may have heard my vociferous harangues on “NO MORE JIM CROW: movies, plays, books, television series”; the ad poster alone is the antipode of Jim Crow, so I was all aboard and ready to go see 10:30 PM Thanksgiving night.
You have a beautiful young lawyer with anxiety issues played by Jodie Turner-Smith. You have a beautiful, caring young black male played by Daniel Kaluuya, who loves his family; particularly his father (in a world where Black men aren’t normally depicted as having a proclivity toward family, NOR HAVING FATHERS!).
Queen and Slim are out on a Tinder date because she was bored and liked his lonely lorn looking photo and “I felt sorry for you”, she tells him at dinner. 
After the dinner on the ride home to drop her off is where things get FASTIDIOUS! A bond starts to form, well, for no other reason than, it has to! And from the forming of this bond on this in-fortuitous journey, is where the beauty of the film starts to unfold. 
What began to unfold was, literally a modern age story of Harriet Tubman and The Underground Railroad in the opposite direction, South.  
In the unfolding of this journey, I found myself being shot in the heart with moments of love and artistic expression.
When Queen and Slim arrive at her uncle Earl’s (Bokeem Woodbine) house in New Orleans, a weird (maybe not so weird within the Black Community) back-end family love support connection happens. 
As Queen and Slim are forced to leave her Uncle’s house, just before they hop into their new set of wheels begrudgingly bequeathed to them by her uncle, two modern art paintings (if I was an artist I’d paint them) unfold. 1. The young lady dressed in a tight mini-skirt and rubber rain boots, bending down as Queen’s uncle bids his niece an “I love you” and goodbye outside the car window; the picture of the car, him at the window and the young lady in the mini-skirt bent down, was an aesthetic I found endearing. 2. As the car pulls off, the young lady in the mini skirt rises from her knelt position; she and Queen’s uncle, with their backs turned to the camera, watch it ride off into the sunshine; on cue, Roy Ayers “Sunshine” starts to play as scene music. 
Queen and Slim continuing on their journey, the audience starts to learn, are becoming immortalized and heroic and supported by the Black community on their road to freedom. 
On a stop at a live music bar, a second date of sorts to the first Tinder date; as Slim goes to order a drink, an older female bar tender flirts with him a little. When he goes to pay for the drinks, a beautiful, almost tear jerking, exchange of community love and support happens. 
At the end of the film, the last shot of Bokeem Woodbine, we’ve all (especially men) had that expression on our face at that very moment.
Three problems I had with the film: 1. The dereliction of duty by a Black police officer in the film could have astounding real life effects on the hiring of Black police officers throughout the nation. 2. The actions of the young man from the auto repair shop could continue to fuel police shootings and killings of young Black males in America. 3. THE ENDING; though realistic and highly likely, and emotionally charged, I would have liked to see a different less protracted ending to Queen and Slim’s Journey.
Even with those three complaints; ALL STARS, ALL-GREEN TOMATOES, ALL BLACK EVERYTHING, ACCOLADES FOR THIS FILM: QUEEN AND SLIM!