Category: dating

Jrnl Entry No. 5.20.2010

I’m about at my witts end with studying for the CPA Exam. My brain cannot learn anymore. I wanted to take the last part of the exam by May 26, 2010, but because I do not understand the last chapter of the study guide and I got 55% of the homework questions WRONG, and I can’t seem to concentrate and learn the material, there is no way I can learn it and re-review the other four chapters, one of which I still have yet to finish the homework for. I feel this CPA thing caving in on me. All I need is to get a failing grade on the Regulation exam I took in April, and I feel as if I will break down. I’ve studied so diligently and passionately for every part, and to fail is just so heart wrenchingly disappointing. It kills my spirit.

I got selected for jury duty on May 18, 2010. The pool of people I got selected with, we were up for a 2nd degree murder case. They randomly selected 18 people and had them answer a questionnaire about where they were from, if they were college graduates, whether they were married, if they had been victims of crimes, if they knew cops of lawyers, etc. The prosecutors and defense attorneys selected 7 jurors from the 1st 18, and 5 jurors from the 2nd 18. They never even selected me to answer the questionnaire. After they selected 12, I thought they were going to send the rest of us to be selected for another case but they gave us our dismissal papers, and told us we were finished with our jury service for the next 8 years. I decided to claim I got selected for a 3 day murder case. Today, I decided to extend it to four. FUCK MY JOB! Ain’t no sense in going in on a Friday.

I need to get chapter 4 homework done over the weekend. My brain is clouded on studying; just writing about it makes my head hurt. I’ma try to fight through this drag I’m feeling. I HOPE I CAN I HOPE I CAN! I don’t know what to do, life is so fucking boring. I never thought I’d be saying such words living in New York, but I don’t make enough money to have real fun in this city. I don’t make enough money to get the type of woman I want; a smart intelligent, real hair wearing, articulate, sexy, healthy, fashionista (who can afford it), who’s into me, who wants to or can help me make 7 to 10 figures in this lifetime; that’s $1,000,000.00 to $1,000,000,000.00. Someone who dreams big or believes in me. I’m sick of women latching on to me because I seem to be what they want. When do I get what I want? Man, fuck it! I’ve been asking these questions seems my entire life. Is that all my life is meant to be, a big unanswered question? I don’t know what will make me happy. I have this thought that Halle Berry is newly singled; if I get with her, that would solve my love problems. But who knows, I may get bored with her. What is the answer to living a fulfilled life? And please don’t talk that God shit to me. I think it’s having enough money to live how you wanna live; a job doing something you love and a man or woman you truly love who truly loves you back. NONE OF WHICH I HAVE! It’s so sad. FUCK!

Jrnl Entry No. 9.15.2003

So I’ve been living with Watrina for about two weeks now. My observation is that; while we like/love each other, we don’t need each other; we don’t appreciate each other. She wants a helpless, needy nigga like her father; whereas, if she’s not home to cook, her mother is not home to cook, her aunt is not home to cook, HE WON’T EAT! Me, I make dinner for myself if she’s not here and for her and Queen to eat when they get home. She wants a man like her father who won’t or can’t: wash dishes, wash his laundry, iron his clothes, make a bed just as she would. I guess she wants a lazy video game playin nigga who may work a job, but his job and helping with the bills is all she wants him to do, and I’d put a “maybe” on the help with the bills part.

She’s probably only letting me stay here right now because I don’t have a job. And if that is the type of nigga she want, I definitely am not him. Maybe that is why she keeps Slauson, her friend’s brother, in the wing. Maybe he’s that type of helpless nigga who’d love to be served hand and foot. I mean I appreciate that she works, cooks and cleans; a few of the reasons I’ve deemed her high quality material. I’d like someone to appreciate that I can do the same on the help out.

I guess she wants to raise her daughter in that good ole Jamaican tradition that your man, husband, or whomever is not supposed to lift a finger unless it’s to fix things with a wrench or screw driver. Well, she got the wrong nigga for that lesson to be practiced on.

Besides that issue, she pays more attention to the dishes and wooden floors around here than she does me. By time she gets finished with putting her daughter to bed and wiping the dishes and wooden floors, she’s too tired to give me any attention. I’m tired of begging for sex and always the one to make the first move. At – years old, that shit is for the birds. Like tonight, after I’d made dinner, Queen was in her room, and Watrina was washing dishes. I was watching t.v. and figured I’d go and pay her a little attention. I go to make small talk and she really doesn’t have too much to say. So I just stood there watching her.

She figured I was going to say something about the preposterous way in which she washed dishes. But one thing you learn when dealing with someone else is that they are gonna do things different. She soaps up the dish towel and washes every dish separately, wetting the dish towel after washing each dish to stir up the soapy reaction; meanwhile, also diluting the soap on the towel and therefore having to add more dish washing liquid to the towel. This method of washing dishes often leaves the odor on the dishes as I discovered from her using it on my dishes at my apartment. And also since the dish being washed is not submerged under soapy warm water, in addition to the odor, food and grease spots get missed a little.

Another example of doing things different is on a sunny Saturday morning while enough sunlight shines through the windows for clear vision, she turns on the artificial white electric (which we have to pay for) light to cook, eat and clean. All you can do is try to impress upon and explain your way to the other person, if they don’t understand it or won’t understand it and insist on their way, so it will go, and no big deal.

I didn’t say nothing about her and the dishes. I just hugged her from the back, rubbed her breast and kissed her neck thinking about making love to her later. She says, “get off me”, which kind of spoiled my love making thoughts for the night but not entirely. I went and sat down and began watching a DVD I had gotten from the Queens “Ravenwood” library because it had Makhi Phifer and Lieutenant Dan’s (from the Forrest Gump movie) face on the cover. Watrina then came and asked me a question about placing garbage out back since we don’t have a trash can out front. She asked me, “so, is the garbage out back getting wet since it rained?” I was a little irritated from her telling me to get off of her in the kitchen, and also by the question because you already know the garbage is outside; you already know that it is raining, so yes, you know the garbage is getting wet. You are just asking that question to fuck with me.

So she puts on her clothes and takes the garbage down the street somewhere. When she came home from work at 9 P.M. she didn’t use the key to get in the house, instead she rang the doorbell. This time she also went outside without her key and rang the doorbell. I let her ring it a few minutes before I opened the door. What the fuck am I, her personal doorman? We both have a key, use it. Don’t kick me out of my comfort zone because you don’t feel like reaching in your bag for your keys or you have trouble opening the locks. After that incident, she went into her room, closed the doors, and I knew I could forget about sex.

My guess is that we are not adjusting well to this, move in together, thing. I think it’s all just a matter of getting to know and dealing with each other’s ways. Do you think the other person is worth it to deal with their way of living. I think she’s worth it. But you gotta wonder if me, with no job, no money in the bank, bad credit, and a pipe dream of becoming a Hip Hop Producer; at her age of –, am I worth it to her? At – I had Elizabeth, probably considered one of the tightest girls in town. She was – living with her mom, a good job, no money in the bank, and no potential to move to New York as far as I saw, so I had to get rid of her.

Watrina is talking about quitting her job, maybe moving to Paris in a few years. There probably is no maybe, she’s probably as serious with her plans as I was about moving from a little small town in Ohio to small (but packed with millions of people) New York City. Maybe she’s just passing time with me like I was passing time with women in Warren. I would mention them coming to New York, knowing full well they wouldn’t leave their employment, family and comfort zones. Just like Watrina mentions Paris and me coming, knowing that more than likely I will not. It’s Karma! Well, as long as I know it’s Karma coming behind to bite me in the ass, I guess the pain won’t be as great as if I was ignorant to the situation. Know in your mind about the worst so the worst won’t kill you if it comes to pass. LIVE BY THIS!

Jrnl Entry No. 3.31.2003

Over the weekend, I was supposed to spend it with my girlfriend but what has been happening in the last month or so is that our weekend plans have been getting botched up into arguments and us not spending the time together. See about a month before that I went on an escapade. I wasn’t feeling Watrina at the time because it always seems as if I’m the one giving her all of the attention. I love her very much and would spend most if not all my time with her if I could. I’m always trying to be around her following her like a puppy dog, and she doesn’t mind so I guess you could say that is a good thing. She could tell me to buzz off so she could do her own thing with her friends, male or female, sexual, non-sexual, whatever. But she never complains about me being there. But on the other hand she never invites me there neither. I invite myself: go to her job and meet her and then maybe we’ll go out to eat; to spend the Saturday with her and her daughter if she is not gone with her father; to spend time or the night at my house, I always ask her for these things. She never does it on her own which makes me feel like she is not that concerned at all with spending quality time with me; she can take it or leave it, it doesn’t matter. So I said, “Fuck Watrina”! I’m not asking her shit: to spend time with her, to see her, to call her.

I was kicking it with my new buddy Metaphor “Simile” “MS” Kipperton, this rapper I met on the New York Music scene who I gave some beats to and because this girl from Youngstown Ohio where I went to college at, managed him before, paid for some of his studio time; through her, he connected with me. He is well known on the scene so he gets in all of the spots for free and most of the time, would get me in for free also, so it was all cool.   We were goin’ out on Saturday night to ”CREAM”, Sunday nights to “CLUB NV” or “TIKI ROOM”, Monday nights to “LOTUS”, Tuesday nights to SESSA”. I was actually having fun, living, which ever since I got here to New York, I haven’t been living because I’ve been too broke, paying bills, or not knowing where to go in the first place.

At this point, I had stopped paying my car note, I didn’t pay half my rent for one month because my electricity was out and my landlord didn’t seem as if he was making a strong effort to get the lights back on through electrical work that he had to have done. I also stopped paying my credit card bill which was draining me of $200 a month. So I had a little money to spend. I bought me a Mitchell and Ness throw-back basketball jersey for $325.00 to have the look of the male music industry scene in at least one outfit.

I wasn’t paying Watrina too much attention. And she didn’t seem to be making a big fuss out of it until like three weeks in, after I didn’t go to her nieces birthday party that she thought I planned on attending to meet most of her whole family and plus she had a magic show by a guy that I hooked up with and my other friend Zero was there. I didn’t go. After that weekend, she started really trying to see me but I was still like no, because every time we see each other, I have to wait around for her to do something else. I wasn’t waiting anymore. If she wanted to see me, no waiting till 10 P.M. or 12 A.M. is what I was on.

After that tirade, we got back on schedule a little, except for that the two weekends after that, we planned on spending Saturday night together, but we never did. One night she claimed she went to the Bronx to party with her friends in a hole in a wall bar and didn’t have cab fare back to Queens. The next weekend, which was actually the Friday and Saturday before this day that I’m writing this; Friday she claimed she wanted to see her daughter before she would send her off the next day to her father for a day and half. So at 10 P.M. she went home and told me to call her in an hour. I went home and shaped my hair up because I had this party in mind we could go to of another music industry friend who was promoting the party and the tickets were $20.00. I called her at 11 P.M. and she was not ready, saying that her daughter wasn’t home when she got there so she didn’t want to leave yet. And she knows that at these parties and clubs in New York, that if you don’t get on line by 12 A.M., chances are you won’t get in till 2 A.M. or later and the parties are over at 4 A.M.

So this was another case where she would have me waiting around on her when she told me she would be ready. I told her to forget it I was going by myself because I knew she was not ready. She said she thought the night was about me and her not the party? Well it was until she mentioned that we could go out, and I got all excited about going out with her looking sexy and being there for this dude because he knows a few people in the music industry and he likes some of my beats and he may manage me as a producer. I never told her that is why I really wanted to go to the party. What I was gonna do was go and get the tickets and come back and pick her up but after I bitched at her about not being ready when she told me she would, which seems like a ritual with her, she said she was out of the mood. So I went alone.

I got there at 12:30 A.M. The guy didn’t arrive with the ticket until 1:30 A.M. and then he was trying to get rid of 8 tickets outside so we didn’t go into the party until 2:30 A.M., and it was cold out there and I didn’t have on a jacket so I was kind of glad she didn’t come. The party was crowded, especially in V.I.P. where we were standing. I really wasn’t feeling it. I just went to see who in the music industry I could meet, which I met no one. It’s kind of hard to meet people in the V.I.P. section flossing with bottles of champagne; at least that is what I think, so I didn’t talk to anyone.  

The most I said to someone was to this lady goin’ in and out of the bathroom with this guy. I said to her, “you better stay outta the bathroom with that gentleman.” She laughed at me and told me, “nothing happened in there; I know him.” As if I cared if she knew him or not, like I was gonna spread rumors around the neighborhood the next day.

I stayed till the party ended. I didn’t try to talk to any women because I wasn’t there for that. Talking to women is a job, and when I got my baby Watrina at home who seems, at times, to really care about me, and other times not, I don’t need to work to talk to other bitches, especially if they ain’t that cute and classy to begin with; which there wasn’t one woman who really caught my eye for me to say anything to.

I got home at 5 A.M. I wakes up at 8 A.M. to wash my clothes and my car, and take a shower to take Watrina’s daughter Queen to dance class at Alvin Alley. I was gonna wait for dance class to be over, and Queen’s father was getting her from there, and I was gonna spend the whole day and night with Watrina. When I went to pick her up, she claims she was ready but she took 10 minutes to get down stairs, which also seems like a ritual when it comes to me and she knows I hate that. I called her 8:30 A.M. and she said she would be ready at 9:45 A.M. But when the time came I was still washing my clothes and my car so I told her I’d be there at 10 A.M. I left my house at like 10:07 A.M. get to her house at 10:11 A.M. and she didn’t get downstairs till like 10:20 A.M. I thought she left and got a cab, which would have made me more heated because at times, she isn’t ready for her daughter’s 10:30 A.M. dance class and we don’t leave until 10:40 A.M., but she couldn’t wait on me? But she did wait on me and when she finally came to the door, I says in a comical way, “I was just getting ready to be like forget you, and leave.” She didn’t smile or nothing, just looked at me like I was stupid and got in the car. She continued to have this stupid look on her face as if she had an attitude with me but wasn’t gonna discuss it with me. So I say to her, “I don’t like your attitude.” I didn’t drive off either, so she says, “what, you want me to get out and take a cab?” I didn’t say nothing but again, “I don’t like your attitude.” She got out the car and took her daughter to take a cab, and I left.

I was ready for a joyous day with her and she gets into my car with a gas face. I just drove off and went home and went to sleep. Around 1 P.M. I woke up and got dressed, went and got my coat out the cleaners, and put my suit, which Watrina made for me, into the cleaners. I drove back home and was gonna go upstairs but I just sat in the car because I really didn’t want to do that. After 5 minutes or so of sitting there thinking where I could go, it hit me to go to Barnes and Nobles on 66th street in Manhattan and read Russel Simmon’s book “LIFE and DEF”. So I drove to the train station, put on my jacket and took the train there. I got the book and sat down and started reading it. I sat there for like two hours steady reading. It was an interesting read because I am a Hip Hop Head who loves Russel Simmons.

After about two hours, I purchased the book and went over to Tower Records to buy Norah Jones’ “Come Away With Me” and 50 Cent’s “Get Rich or Die tryin’” albums. I already heard the 50 album because it was Hip Hop. But Norah Jones won like 10 Grammys for this album and she and 50 had been battling for the number one Billboard top 200 chart spot ever since the Grammys were televised. I knew of Norah Jones’ hit single and I liked it, hoped the whole album would sound like that. I saw the price was $12.77 and 50 was $13.99 so I bought both of them. I really didn’t want to buy 50 since I already had a good bootleg CD copy at home. But I figured, if I’m gonna buy Norah and support her and I don’t even know what this album is, what type of music it is or nothing; I better get 50, the hottest Hip Hop album out of a New York MC since Biggie Smalls “Ready To Die.”

After I left the record store, I went to Houston’s maybe hoping to see Watrina there since she said she wanted to go there; maybe catch her with a date or something because the last like 5 weekends had not been spent with me, and the night before she was acting very suspicious about her phone and me using it and maybe checking her voicemail messages. I got to Houston’s and didn’t see Watrina. I ordered dinner, during with the appetizer I started reading Russel’s book some more, and then after dinner, waiting on them to take my plate and bring my check, I read some more. I left the restaurant and went home and put the Norah Jones album in and started to read some more.

It was like 10 P.M. The Norah Jones album was light blues, and the whole album was like that single, “Don’t Know Why.” The music was light and her light voice over the light melodies and drums was a very relaxing listen. I didn’t hear the words, just the music and her voice. I’ve listened to the album like 8 times and I still don’t know half of what she is saying on none of the songs. But I could see why America is going crazy over that album. First, it’s the music and her voice. Second, if you listen closely to the lyrics, it’s blues-like and I heard a few of the lyrics and I understand why people are crazy for it. I know music of all genres, trust me, and she deserves every one of those Grammys she got.

So at this point around 10:45 P.M., I called Watrina for the third time of the day to smooth things over to see if she would come to my house for the night. She didn’t answer her cell phone. I figured because she was mad at me and also she was going out by herself, with girlfriends or a male. She didn’t call me back neither.

After realizing that I’d read over half of Russel’s book, I put it down, shut my ringer off my phone and went to bed because I was tired from only getting like 4 hours of sleep that whole night and day before. The Russel book told the story I already knew about starting Def Jam, RUN DMC, PHAT FARM, DEF COMEDY JAM, ending the distribution deal with Sony, signing with Polygram, Lyor Cohen, Russel’s model dating. What I didn’t know was that he took drugs like he did. He gave a few business pointers, life pointers, race pointers, etc.

I got up the next day and put the Norah Jones album on again and cleaned up my apartment. I still had my phone ringer off because I was mad that Watrina hadn’t spent the night with me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Eventually around 1 P.M. I turned my ringer on and went about my daily business. I went back to sleep, I got up and got dressed, did some push-ups and sit-ups. I started to cook some steak and potatoes and green beans for myself. I also started to read the Russel book some more.

Now this whole day I was contemplating just breaking up with Watrina because it’s been three years and we have been going through this shit the whole time. It’s really getting tired and old, and I just want to stop the relationship because it seems like all we do, every other weekend is be mad about something. Finally after finishing the book, finishing eating, I decided to call Watrina to talk to her and smooth over this rough edge of a weekend we had. All day I had been thinking about not calling her at all but I broke down.

See what I mean, I’m always the one, making all the effort to call, to spend time together, etc. I called her and asked her, “what are you thinking about me right now?” She had nothing to say. I was looking for her to say, that either she loved and missed me or she wants to break up. She said nothing. So we started going into the weekend issue and she had a little sass and chutzpah in her voice and speech. Let me tell you, “if a bitch is being hard with you and edgy, and unsympathetic, it says that she is tired of the situation or that she is tired of the situation and on top of that, she is fucking someone else.”  

Watrina hasn’t spent really good quality time with me in a month and the last two weekends, she has disappeared on me. At the end of the conversation, because she didn’t say that she wanted to break up, I said, “forget it, drop it. I want to see you.” She said she had to braid her daughter’s hair and she would call me back and didn’t know if she would see me or not. An hour and a half later, after she was in the bed half sleep, she called me. She tells me that she is not coming over because she should have been over last night; like that was all my fault. I called her three times during the day and she never answered her phone and didn’t call me later that night. So I bid her a good night and hung up the phone on her ear slightly. I tried to call her back 10 minutes later to tell her I was trying to smooth things over and she was playing games of you-did, who-did. I called her like 7 times and she didn’t pick up the phone, playing games, but of course she is gonna tell me that she was sound asleep in 10 minutes after getting off the phone with me knowing that I was angry at her for not wanting to come over. So I left her a message that, “this relationship is over! What is wrong with trying to smooth things over by spending some time together and forgetting about Friday and Saturday, and you fucked that up on Sunday. Fuck You! I’m going out to find me another bitch to fuck since you don’t want to come over.”

I went to the TIKI ROOM and chilled; met Metphor and Zero there. I was pollyin’ about music, not concerned about bitches. I met this guy who I’d been looking at for a month now who looks like he is in the music industry. Turns out he is down with DJ CLUE and Dessert Storm and works in the Sony building down the block from where I work. I met this female “Combination” whom I’d seen around at Justin’s Restaurant on Tuesday Industry Nights, and other places like two years prior, and Metaphor said she was a rapper. I met this other guy whose face I always recognize. He managed Uncle Sam, a fallen-off R&B Singer, and a few other groups or singers who have all fallen off. I left around 2:45 A.M. drunk off Hennessy and Grand Marnier.

My mind was still made up that I’d broken up with Watrina. I called her when I woke up at 7:30 A.M. to tell her that I’m bringing her leather she bought to make me a leather suit, and her mother’s plate. She tells me to bring it later. I told her I was bringing it now. She asked, “is it that serious?” I said “Yeah, it’s that serious!” She obviously hadn’t gotten my message. When I got to her house I asked had she gotten it. She said yes, not to argue in front of her father. I told her to her face, “this relationship is over, it’s no good.” She nodded her head, handed me the stuff she’d bought for my daughter from the GAP and I left. It was over in my mind. When I got to work, she called at 10 A.M. telling me that she is coming over my house tonight, so I’m just gonna have to let her in because she is gonna be there. I told her, “don’t come and I’m not saying it’s alright because I’m not gonna do like you, always say something and then don’t do it or be late doing it.” She hung up because she was entering the train station. She called me later saying, “we shouldn’t break up. We have a nice family, and we get along together.” All of which is true, even the part about us not breaking up. I love what we have, truly, but it seems that she doesn’t love it as much as I do, or maybe I don’t love as much as I say I do because we keep having these bullshit arguments, I’m tired of them and I want out! She wants to take some time apart but still be together. I don’t believe in that shit because if you need time apart, stay apart, which we can’t seem to make it together, so maybe we should be apart.

Jrnl Entry No. 12.30.2002

So the year is over. My relationship with Watrina is about to be over. We lasted a year and eight months. I guess that is good for her being a – year old who said she didn’t want to be in a relationship anyway. I really dove in with her though. She was my girl. I took her to meet my whole family. I took her on a trip to Florida to meet my cousin/brother Romeo and his wife and kids. Nothing all that bad happened in our relationship except that she talked to a lot of guys claiming that they were friends. I don’t really think that she was fucking any of them, but I’m a realist who will never eliminate the possibility. I’ve been fucking with Carol Ann ever since I met Watrina so whatever she has done to betray me, I’ve done much worse. I was fucking Coffee for about six months of the time. I fucked Sausha a few times in Warren and she even came and stayed a week with me while Watrina was in Jamaica. I fucked three little neighborhood girls on sort of a steady basis for like three months. I fucked Haitie whom I met taking deposits to the bank for my job.

So trust, if Watrina did fuck Thurston who she went on a trip to Vegas with; if she fucked Lamont who used to call her every day; if she did fuck Catcher whom I’d catch looking at her ass on our meetings together because she was his fashion label consultant; if she’s went out with the last guy she gave her number to on the street (the 908 guy); if she fucked the guy she met at her job and told me that she thought he was gay, and the next thing I know he was on her cell phone leaving her a message; if so, I’ve did all the same, so oh well. I haven’t spoken to her in two days. She hasn’t called me and I haven’t called her. If she doesn’t call me by 12 A.M. tomorrow night, I’m calling her the next day and I will say, “this relationship is officially over.” I met this — year old teacher at the Supper Club on Saturday night. So now I have a woman who is older than I am and I will see the difference in the relationship.

I threw all of myself at Watrina and she didn’t do the same. She’s just now starting to show me that she loves me, but this not calling me is not cool. We’ve had two arguments in the last two weeks that have resulted in us not speaking. This last one I thought was cool because I left a message on her phone that it was O.K. I’d make an adjustment in my attitude and we’d move on, but she never responded. Watrina has a bright future ahead of her from what I can tell. She gonna make lots of money and be well off. With a good responsible man by her side, won’t be no stopping her. I thought that man could be me but it’s not looking like that will be the case. My prediction is that she will be pregnant within a year of us breaking up, and trying to make a relationship work with that guy. Good luck to her.

I’m a little scared by our break up but not broken down. I’m not old enough to be trying to save a bitch as if my life depended on it. I still got years left in me before I get to that point. I’ve taken Watrina back at my angriest points and settled and called her on many occasions and apologized to her for the simplest of things and taken her back when she was on my last nerve. BUT THIS IS IT! She has never apologized for nothing that she has done or made me upset about. I’M DONE!

I was out last night with my man Aderale who popped into town for the New Year I guess. He showed up here Saturday night unannounced, which is not bad. I ain’t on that shit really, but maybe he should have called because he traveled here five or six hours. What if I already had visitors or I was out of town. I guess he was just bored and wanted to do something and didn’t care if I was here or not, he just would have went somewhere else I guess. We went to the TIKI ROOM on 22nd St in Manhattan last night. I was politickin’ in there about my music pretty well I thought. I met this producer YOGI who produced one of my favorite Hip Hop albums, “CRU, Da Dirty 30”. Yogi gave me his number so I’ma try to get in the studio with him and check what he is doing and learn the business from him if he lets me. I got a few other numbers of rappers to send my beat CD to for a listen. I saw Pocahanas from Makin The Band. I didn’t know her but Aderale did. I never saw the show. I got her manager contact to get some beats to her. She raps and sings.

I’m not getting down on myself about this music shit. I have a whole new attitude about it. I wasn’t even excited about getting Yogi’s number or whoever else’s I got last night. If it happens it will happen if it is meant to be. That is how Watrina viewed our relationship and now it is about to be over. She never took it too serious I guess all that much so I’m gone. 2003, single to find a new bitch. I met this girl Julia last night from London. I like the look of her. I gave her my number because she said that she didn’t have a phone yet because she and friends moved here. I hope she calls me.

I’m going in debt by going out like I’ve been. As of now, I’m $100 in the hole. I’ll take it out of my rent money since my landlord hasn’t fixed my electrical outlets or hasn’t had them looked at by an electrician. I’m trying to get in contact with this guy who does photo shoots of nude guys for gay magazines. He says he’ll pay $250 per session that he uses you for. Maybe I can make a lot of extra money that way. I seem to have a nice body. I have heard too many times that I have a long big dick so that must be true; so maybe this, taking nude pictures for a gay magazines, will pay off if a big way. If not, I’ll probably just end up disgracing myself. But I need more money and I can’t think of any other way to make a quick $250. It is the only option I have so I’m taking it. I got to do what I have to do to survive and live how I want to live.

I haven’t talked to my daughter in two weeks. Her mom took her down south or somewhere for Christmas and didn’t bother to call and tell me. Maybe she is mad because I keep half the child support sometimes when I need it. I do that because she gets my tax return money. I mean hell, I need some relief from somewhere. Who’s gonna pay me back for when she was being unreasonable and not letting me see my daughter? She’ll eventually get all the money paid back to her somehow.

My finances are getting so fucked up. I had to pay $802.00 to get this lady’s hood fixed after Watrina tried to throw her daughter’s bike at me and missed and the bike landed on the hood of my neighbor’s car, and then she took the bike and broke out my rear car window. In all I paid out $1,300 which came from not paying my car note which is already on my credit report as being late because I don’t pay the extra $55 a month for an insurance fee after I dropped my full coverage insurance because I couldn’t afford it two years ago.

FUCK IT, is what they say, because you only live once right? That is why I fuck the way I do because it is or was my only source of entertainment. With hardly no money to go out and Watrina not being there half the time for me, it left a lot of time to fuck other bitches who wanted some.  I mean “I ain’t married right?” Isn’t that the statement to shove off the guilt of cheating on someone? SO FUCK IT! I just hope this behavior doesn’t carry over into when I do get married because that will be trouble.

I hope this music shit or something comes through for me with a nice size check in the next year or two because I sure need it. If not, I guess I’ll live like most, with fucked up credit and no money, moving from job  to job for a higher salary of thousands, of which I’ll only receive a few hundred because of taxes.

I tell you, life is bullshit. They say even with all the money problems solved, you still have problems, so when does it ever end; when you are dead? Makes you almost want to kill yourself to think about it. Fuck that, I got to have a win situation in life somewhere in the future. Everybody lives for a better future. I live for a better financial future, a better relationship future, to accomplish my music dreams in the future.

What am I living for today when I think about it? I guess I’m living to get home and relax. I’m living to get home and cook me a chicken dinner. I’m livin to get to Justin’s tonight to maybe meet more music people or meet a nice young lady. I’m living for Watrina to call me and ask what is wrong and how can she fix it. I’m living for the next time, which may be tonight, to talk to my daughter on the telephone. That is about all I can think of. But living for those things, am I happy?

I guess they all will make me happy, but I don’t feel they will make me as happy as being in the studio with Yogi recording a Black Rob song for Bad Boy Entertainment, or being a mid to big name producer in the studio with my second greatest rapper of all time as of now, NAS. KRSONE holds the crown for his 15 years of rockin’ his genre and generation. Tupac and BIGGIE haven’t gotten that time in so they don’t get a crown. I’ve already discussed that issue so it’s dead just like they are.

I have an open mind about the future at times, but most of the time I am pessimistic about it. I’m pessimistic about life: my wife will cheat on me and me probably on her; a divorce is possible if I get married; I may not make it in music; I may not get anywhere in this accounting career of mine neither; I don’t see a prosperous future with minor or major riches. I don’t know man I don’t know, but I’ma KIM (Keep It Movin) That I all any man can do. KEEP IT MOVIN!

Jrnl Entry No. 9.28.2002

My girlfriend Watrina told me that I gave her a little STD. I don’t understand how because I have had no symptoms of an STD. I guess it is possible since I’m fuckin Carol Ann, Coffee and Haitie from the bank all raw. I hate condoms. I’ve been fuckin Carol Ann for a year and half now so it didn’t come from her unless the last time she visited her fiancé in LA, he gave it to her. It could have come from Coffee most likely. She is a homeless chick from what I know, always moving around a lot. I shouldn’t be fuckin’ her. I don’t call her, but every time she calls me I go and get her. I just can’t turn down pussy if there is nothing else to do. I guess I’m a sex addict. I could have gotten it from Haitie. She was adamant about me using a condom which means she either does it with condoms all the time, or she knew she had a little bug and didn’t want me to catch it. I’d slip the condom off on her and she wouldn’t even know it. We fucked about two three times. She wouldn’t let me get wild in the ass because she wasn’t comfortable yet and her pussy wasn’t used to me. We stopped talking because she sensed that I had a girlfriend and I broke off a couple of dates with her. She wants a nigga to be there at her every beck and call and I wasn’t because I had a girlfriend.

So I took the prescription that my girlfriend gave me and then what did I do? I went and slept right back with Carol Ann and Coffee in the same night, raw. So now I got to continue to use condoms with my girlfriend, which she wants to until she goes back to the doctor. Then I have to go to the doctor to see if I have anything and then if I do, I have to tell Carol Ann and Cofffee to go to the doctor. It shouldn’t be a problem with either of them. Carol Ann doesn’t know if her fiancé is not sleeping with anyone so she shouldn’t have any questions. Coffee is fucking other people and keeps trying to tell me that she is pregnant. She wants either me or a child support check; neither of which she will get from me. Not because I won’t pay or I’ll disappear, but for reasons that only I know and will never tell if I haven’t told already.

I told Watrina to move in with me but she refuses. If she was there, I wouldn’t be able to fuck these other women. Like Coffee called me at 1 A.M. the other night to come over and I went and got her. I tried to use a condom with her but she wouldn’t let me. Carol Ann got her own place again so I could sneak over her house after work or something if I wished, but I probably wouldn’t if I lived with Watrina.

I really love Watrina. She is a beautiful, sexy, ambitious young lady and all that is a good combination. She treats me very well, better than anybody with the exception of Rebecca. I hope I don’t get busted in all this outside fuckin’ that I’m doin and that we stay together. She is it. And if there is an after her, I’m chillin’ the next time around, just fuckin’, no love unless a bitch is beautiful and has a bright future ahead of her and she wants love.

I got a CD burner now so I don’t have to depend on Medeline to make my beat CDs. I plan on putting like 10 songs on a CD at a time and selling them mix tape style for $10 a pop like DJ Clue. Nobody does that so I hope it comes off and maybe some of my beats will get picked up like that to be on professional albums. I’m now in the process of putting snippets of every song I’ve ever done on a CD. With my next tape, I’ll put the full length songs on a CD.

What is life bringing me, I don’t know? I’m tired of the unknown, but still I’m goin’ slowly and with less fire than before, but I haven’t quit. I’m gonna go until I reach age – and if nothing by then, I’ll go back to school if I’m still working as an accountant, to go and get my MBA. And that is my life plan. I don’t know what else to do. Watrina says I need to be an A&R but you can’t just pop up and be that. A&Rs start as interns; or they get hooked up through friends which I have none in the music industry. She says I should go to some modeling agencies during lunch because I look good. But I don’t have any pictures. She has a $500 camera but hasn’t taken any pictures of me. She took some last year but won’t give them to me to take to agencies because she says they aren’t good pictures.

I don’t know man. I’m trying to talk Watrina into buying this house that my cousin is selling in Ohio. It’s only like $15,000 at most and it already has tenants and all we’d have to do is be landlords and collect $300 a month rent, which will turn into income when the house is paid off. Real Estate is a little plan of mine if I ever get my hands on some money. I’m trying to save a little money now, $25 a paycheck for emergencies or whatever if an emergency never comes up. I’ve been paying my car note like every other month since I’m already classified as late because I won’t pay the $53 a month insurance fee they tacked on when I dropped my insurance about two years ago. That is how I’m livin’. I’m kind of on edge but fuck it, what can I do? Watrina is optimistic about the future, which is another reason why I love her. If I didn’t have her I probably wouldn’t be in New York right now. I don’t even think she knows how much I love and need her right now.

Jrnl Entry No. 9.26.2002

It is now Sept 26, 2002 and Janelle’s birthday was yesterday. I sent her a Barbie Volkswagon Bug Car in the mail last week. She tells me that she is gonna have a party and that she and her mom wrote out invitations to it, but I didn’t get one. I guess Victoria doesn’t think a father should be invited to his daughter’s birthday parties, especially if he lives out of town. I probably wouldn’t have went, but that ain’t the point. There is a 50/50 chance of me goin’ and not goin’ if I would have found out about it sooner than last week when I asked Victoria on the phone was she throwing her a party. Victoria really doesn’t know how to handle this baby daddy shit. I hope it has taught her ass a good lesson like it has taught me, to never have kids by any bitch again, or at the least until you have been married to the bitch for two or three years.

Watrina wants another kid, but she is gonna have a hard time getting another kid out of this dick. We’ve been together now for a year and a half and I love her too much. I always want to be around her. I want her to move in with her daughter. I get mad when she is out and don’t call me by 8 P.M. to let me know where is like last night. If she doesn’t ask to see me I get mad because I always want to see her and seems like I am always initiating the, spending of time together between us two. It almost seems like I have to force her over to my house to spend some decent quality time. That is why I keeps my other bitches around. I got Carol Ann, Coffee and Haitie.

Haitie is the finest out the bunch. If she had a better job and a better way of living, I’d probably drop Watrina for her because Watrina is not fulfilling all of my needs. She will, in time, but I don’t like the wait. But sometimes I think the wait will be worth it. You see Watrina likes to spend money a lot on little big things; like she spent $500 on a Coach carrying travel bag; $300 on a pair of sandles which were worth it because I have yet to see any like them or as hot as them; $269 on a pair of Adriano Goldsmied jeans; before I met her, she spent $500 on a camera which she doesn’t know how to work and she doesn’t use it anymore because she claims that it needs a new lens which is gonna cost another $500. She spent $350 on a car for her daughter when she turned two, which was entirely too young for her to have that, and plus she doesn’t ride it because it’s stored over her cousin’s house; for it can’t fit in her mom and dad’s apartment, and plus it’s broken. She spent a lot of money on her daughter’s birthday party, which that is not a bad thing, but she plans on spending this money every year and that is ridiculous.

Watrina plans on starting some type of business so she can live large; she is gonna have to chill with the spending habits. Right now her mind is focused on starting a little clothing line for children, some expensive shit like tuxes and gowns for like $500 to start. So I figure her spending habits and ambitions will get her somewhere in the future, maybe to millionaire status that she wants. If it doesn’t, we can make it together on our salaries for work. Together as I speak, our salary combined is $95,000: $40,000 mines, $55,000 hers. Mine breaks down like this: $950 Rent, $220 Crdt Card, $342 Car Payment, $370 Child Support, $60 Train, $90 Gas, Light and Phone Bill, $50 Grocery, and about $50 to spend or save, which ever one I choose.

Watrina lives at home so I don’t know what the fuck she does with her money but pay for her brother’s and mother/father wedding, save a little I guess she does, but she also blows a lot right in front of my eyes. Like one night she took me and her cousins from Jamaica out to Club Nells. She spent $200 that night. I can’t see myself spending that money unless I’m straight like that with bills, house, etc. But she blows money like that and she ain’t got shit. She lives in the projects with her parents in a room for her and her daughter, on a broken down bunk bed that she claims the springs are poppin’ up and stickin’ her in the back. Maybe she is doin’ this because she is young and feels she has time to blow money and make more to replace it.

The fact that we could make a good living if we got together and budgeted our money, plus the pussy is good, she is young and sexy, and besides me being all in love and wanting to spend all my time with her like a little bitch, and she not obliging me on that end, we get along just fine and will get along.

So I got my other bitches to fulfill my void when Watrina doesn’t want to be there. And I guess until we get engaged and move in together, I’ll always have someone else. Am I a dog for that? Maybe! But “fuck that shit cause I got to live” (Ice Cube). And what if the time that I complain about her not spending with me, she is fucking some other nigga. She has many friends and won’t let them go for some reason or another. Sometimes I feel like she is wasting her time and mine, and that is why I cheat. If she would love me like Rebecca loved me – even though Rebecca fucked every nigga that ever smiled at her and asked her for her number while she was in a so-called relationship with me – I could have had all or most of her time if I wanted it. I guess I’m only getting what I gave out to Rebecca and Lauren being with them both at the same time. I was with one on Friday, the other on Saturday, and I feel that is how Watrina is playing me sometimes. She never spends too many consecutive days with me, and she doesn’t tell me where she spends her time at when she doesn’t spend it with me. So if I’m getting it back, at the same time, I’m still dishing it out, and one day life will come together and I won’t have to do this shit. I can be happy with one bitch and she will be happy with me.

HAVE YOU EVER FELT NEGLECTED (WRONGLY OR RIGHTLY) BY A PARTNER OR SPOUSE SO YOU JUST SAID FUCK IT, I’LL GO OUT AND GET ME ANOTHER WOMAN OR MAN?

Jrnl Entry No. 5.21.2002

Reflecting on this bullshit we call life this morning. I got a trip planned with my cousin Jeff and his wife Joanie to go to Florida to see my cousin Romeo and his wife Eunice. My girlfriend Watrina is coming along with me. I’ve been seeing her for a year now, and besides her having friends for all I know, that she could be fucking at any time, everything with us is kind of alright. If we can get passed the friend thing then we will be fine; I am more calm about her friend situation that I was six months ago.

Like this past Sunday her friend Thurston, some older man who is her nieces godfather, called her on her phone all night leaving messages about how he misses her and how he wish he could lay next to her and this other bullshit. She maintains that they are just friends; that he slept on the floor when she went to Vegas with him, and that he is just a lonely man. He called her five times during the night. Some other guy also called who she says is her friend and he works at a restaurant and she ate lunch there for free and he served her and her friends especially. He called asking her why doesn’t she respond to his calls, and said he wants to put a smile on her face like he did at lunch that day. She claims he is a married man.

She has an excuse for every nigga that call her talking some shit except for that maybe she fucked them or has plans for fucking them. She says if I think this about her that I shouldn’t be fuckin’ with her then. My take is that people do things and you can’t stop them. The real of life is that no nigga or no bitch is above giving their pussy or dick away to someone else while in a relationship; hell, even marriage. So if shit is constantly popping up, you might as well think the worse. That is just my way. Fuck being optimistic about the shit. Cheating, while bad, is really a small thing, once it’s done, it’s done and can’t be reversed, but it can be lived with for one or so incidences. But if the shit happens repeatedly, then fuck that bitch or that nigga because they are disrespecting you as a person, and as the person whom they say they want to be in a relationship with.

Watrina also tells me that she will fuck Colbert if we are not talking for a few months or so. She says they used to fuck and I guess she likes him; says he is a ladies man. I don’t know why they stopped fucking around in the first place. She also got her boyfriend Mique over my head who is prison serving 25 years to life. Who says if that nigga pop out of jail, she won’t fuck him. All this just increases the possibility that I will fuck around when the time comes. She also maintains that she will cheat in a relationship other than marriage. I can tell from being with her that she’s only part serious about this relationship. This Chinese horoscope thing says that I shouldn’t fuck with her because she is not gonna be nothing but trouble. I see that, but I also see happiness so I’ll chance it. I’m only getting married once like I’m only having one kid. So if my marriage fails, and my dream to become a Hip Hop producer fails, I told Watrina I’ll just live the life of a recluse, alone and stop all contact with my family except my mother and daughter.

I’m getting better at my job, but I still suck at it. I’ll see this month if I can work this cash reconciliation out without the help of my supervisor. I’m having trouble billing clients in the system, but I’ve semi-figured that out. I have to have my boss check it out and if it is a go, then I’m fine with that.

I’m kind of lost with this music shit also. I don’t know where to turn with this. I got tracks, but what to do with them I don’t know. No one seems to want to even lead me in any type of direction with this shit. All anyone can say is that your tracks ain’t hot enough, which I don’t believe that shit. I’ve been listening to and making this shit in my head for 15 years and I know how to make it. The mutha fuckas who tell me that my tracks ain’t up to par are just those trying to discourage me, to weed out the weak; the shit is light weight working, but I’m crawling slowly not at a complete stop.

I hate the future because the shit is so uncertain. I could get fired again or laid off and I am not prepared for that. I like this job and want to excel at it, but who says that this job is not gonna lose some of its clients down the road and not gain new ones? Everything is a toss-up and that is fucked up. From job security to love relationship; my bills are all fucked up. I had to sacrifice a few bills to pay for this trip to Florida. Watrina is probably gonna try and pay for the whole trip for me and her and her daughter, but I’m gonna take $300 with me and I’ll probably spend it all. I’m planning on getting drunk from the time I hit Florida to the day when it’s time to drive back. I’m gonna enjoy myself on this trip. Enjoy having Watrina there with me.

I know everybody there is gonna be dressed all corny. Watrina and I are gonna be like out of place looking like city slickers and shit. Jeff and Joanie will probably be wearing matching outfits and shit. Eunice is a toss-up; she may not be looking that corny especially since she saw how Watrina does it. I know Romeo and Eunice’s friends are gonna be super corny. Like the last time I was there, Eunice’s friend Leafette was on a casual day, had on some Polo jeans and that shit is so played out. I can’t even say that she was trying to be that fashionable, it was a baby birthday party. It is really ridiculous how New York style is so different from any other place in America. You have to be here for a year or two and then go to another city to really feel the effect of this. I used to visit here for a day or two and go back home and everything seemed cool, not country as everybody calls where I’m from. But after staying in New York for two and half years, I see what New Yorkers mean when they call our accent country and our style of dress outdated. See living in Ohio, we call Mississippi and Atlanta country by way of their accent. But since I’ve been staying in New York, I’ve noticed that in Ohio we do have an accent and it does sound a little country.

Jrnl Entry No. 7.13.2001

Yo, I can’t do whatever it is you are doing with me anymore. You’ve said it to me that we should just be friends. Well I’m sayin it for real. I mean it. And that’s not like, “hey, let’s go here and do this” friends. That’s see you when I see you, say hi, say bye.

See you say we just friends, but yet you want to come over my house and lay with me and claim you don’t want to leave because it feels so good. You want to wash my dishes, fold my clothes, cook for me and bring me food. You want to spend Saturday afternoons with me. You want to talk to me each day. You even want me to have a cell phone so that you can know where I’m at when I’m not with you.

Now pardon me if I’m takin’ all this out of context, but that sounds like shit that I’d be doin with my girl, not just someone I’m fuckin’. And since you make it clear to me that we just fuckin’ all this shit that we doin’ together has to stop. And since I have more respect for you and deem you worthy of more than just a fuck, we got to stop doin’ that also. And since I have more respect for myself and know I’m worthy of more than just a fuck, we got to stop.

Yeah, You like, you may even care, hell, may even love me, but you ain’t willing to show it like I want it to be shown. Maybe you like me a lot but there is something that you want that I don’t have. And since you told me when we first started talkin’ that you was still in love, and you always talkin’ about what ya’ll used to do, maybe you waitin’ on Queen’s dad to get his shit together so you can have a happy family. Or maybe you just young and havin’ fun doin’ you. Well, do you!

I’ll chill and do me. It ain’t me to want a young lady and she not want me back in the same fashion; she leaving me feeling like I got to convince her that I’m the nigga. If she can’t see that I’m the nigga, either I ain’t the nigga, or she blind and can’t see and it will be her loss.

Jrnl Entry No. 7.5.2001

DAMN! You wasn’t supposed to break up whatever we got goin. I’m letting you know how I feel about the phone. Last night was the last straw witt you and this phone. Now if you think I’m so wrong and you are so right, then I guess we gots to chill out and you don’t have to worry about me and how I feel about your phone. My phone doesn’t ring period when you are over my house partly because no one has the number, and secondly I wouldn’t let it ring while you are over there because that is our time, not my boys, not my moms, not another woman or women. And you be holdin’ mini-conversations before you say, “you’ll have to call me back.” That tells me that you give a fuck about whoever, not to tell them that you are with company and can’t talk right now. The one time the phone did ring when you were at my house ,I told the chick I had company because I didn’t and don’t give a fuck about her and what she thinks of me having company.

You say niggaz ain’t shhit. They ain’t shit only because bitches let them not be shit by not tellin’ them about themselves and how they feel about it. If I never say anything seriously about you and that phone, you’ll keep on just like you been and are doing. I’m letting you know your phone and you conversating on I when you are with me is bullshit and I ain’t havin’ it, and obviously you ain’t havin that. It’s whatever too.

As long as you say we are just friends, no, I don’t know what you are doing and I don’t want to know, but don’t expect me to think that you are doing nothing. I’d be a sucka. If you ain’t totally mine that means that part of you is somebody else’s. While I do care about you also, I ain’t oblivious to the possibility of what you could be doin’, and I’ll say it out loud because you ain’t my lady as you make so vividly clear a point every time I see you. Well, you ain’t my lady vividly. I’ll tell you vividly that you make could be doin whatever when you ain’t witt me even though 95% of me thinks that you are not.

You are takin’ the car thing a little too seriously. I let you use my car last weekend. I don’t blame you for it breaking down. That is all jokes. The ridin’ niggaz around in it was said in response to anger about you talkin’ on the phone in my kitchen. And you say you did that because I act like I don’t care or it’s whatever. You say that like you want me to sweat you about who you talk to and who you witt when you ain’t witt me. I’ve been there, done that. I don’t care who you talk to, but you ain’t gonna be talkin’ to them on the phone while you witt me. Even if you was my lady, it would still be the same because bottom line, if you want to fuck someone, you gonna do it and ain’t shit I can do about it. Now if it’s obvious that you are givin all your attention to someone else, then yes I’ll say something. I don’t think that you are giving too much of your attention to someone else, but I also don’t think you are giving me all of your attention. And as long as you keep me feelin that way, I’m gonna say things out loud that you could be doin.

I ain’t got a big problem with nothing except the phone calls. The other stuff like you maybe riding your friend around; yeah, it’s a slim thought, but if it was a big thought and I actually thought you would really do something like that, I wouldn’t even be fuckin’ witt you. And maybe I would because part of me doesn’t care. I ain’t got time to be sweatin’ no young lady about what she’s doing when she ain’t doing it witt me.  

And as far as the car goes, it goes a little deeper than me not just trustin’ you. It’s not just a car. I’m payin $18,000 $342 a month for that brand new car. My, let me repeat that, MY brand new car, not my moms, dad’s, uncles etc. I want to keep my car. Even though you probably wouldn’t, there is a chance that if you fucked it up, you could say fuck me and leave me stuck witt the bill. I used to be mad at my uncles and aunts when they wouldn’t let me drive their cars to Atlanta for Freak-Nik, or to DC for Howards Homecoming, but now that I got my own I understand. Yeah, it’s just a car and I’d live without it, but I’d rather not. Your brother asked me could he drive my car to his house one time and I said no. You’ll understand when you get a car, especially while you are paying for it, and especially if it has 0-80 miles on the odometer when you drive it from the dealer to your house.

Now I think you know that I would love for you to be my lady, but you don’t want to be. You somehow think that would be some big task that you can’t handle right now. I ain’t sweatin’ you to be my lady, I’m just letting you know. You care about me. I Love You Too! So whenever you decide that you want to stop bein’a punk witt a heart, I’ll be here for you to give it to me. If you never give it to me, oh well. I guess in time our little relationship will fade. But lady or no lady you ain’t gonna be talkin’ on that phone to other guys who want to fuck you while you are chillin witt me.

Jrnl Entry No. 5.8.2000

It’s  Monday morning. The weekend was summery and hot. I cooled out in the Village Saturday on the strip of 8th S b/w 5th and 6th ave. It was mad bitches out there I tell you. Women, women, women were out looking sexy, and guys were out there harassing them.

After about an hour and a half of looking, I decided to try and holla at a couple of young ladies whom I felt were attractive. The first girl I said something to, she was a school girl, I could tell from the way she was reacting when I said something to her. I talking in my usual polite tone, and she and her friend were liking running away from me like I was a wild animal. I was walking with them for a little, and then her friend said “we are just tryin’ to get home.” From that statement right there, I knew they were like 19 to 21 years of age, not what I’m tryin’ to be bothered with.

The next girl was a browned skinned honey, short, with a nice ass, low haircut. I said something to her and she had a stern face on. I tried to loosen her up a little. I asked her was she in the market to meet any new friends. She said that she was involved with someone, the old cop out line to get a guy out of your face. I said to her “that’s what you all say” and I turned around to go back and chill on the wall.

I had been out there about two hours at this point, and decided that it was time to go home. On my way to my car, I stopped at Barnes and Noble bookstore on the corner of 6th Ave and 8th St, and there was this honey there that I had seen earlier that caught my eye. When I came back out of the bookstore, she was still there with her friends. I stood there for a minute to contemplate whether or not I should talk to her. I decided not to.

As I was standing there, a man passed by. We were about the same height, and our eyes met, so I said hello, and he did the same. He strolled down the street. He looked like a nice gentleman in his early fifties. I caught up to him and asked him was he from New York. He said yes that he had been living there all his life. I asked him had he seen Coming To America. He said that he had. So then I says, “I’m going to ask you the same question Eddie Murphy asked the barber.” “What do you have to do to find a nice woman in the town?” So he starts kicking some science, and I was listening to him. He said that he was cooling out for the day walking up and down the block. His name was Mustaffa. We turned around and headed back down to 8th St, and he was telling me that you have to let off a positive energy, and get that eye contact. Once you get the eye contact, you roll with it from there. We stopped down by the bookstore, and stood on that corner and talked and watched the ladies go by. Since I was standing there, and I spoke to her when we passed by, I decided that I should talk to the girl whom I decided not to talk to 15 minutes earlier.

I called her over to me because she was in between her two friends. She had somewhat of an attitude but not too heavy. She said she was 21, lived in Jersey, just had a son, was going back to school, and wasn’t looking for a man because most men out are about bullshit, so she keeps friends. She had been waiting on the corner there for a friend, she said. I gave her the run down to let her know that I was not bullshit. “I’m 26; I graduated college; I have a job; I have my own apartment; I have my own car.” We talked for a moment, and I told her it was nice meeting, and she went and stood back between her friends. I probably could have gotten her number, but I didn’t bother asking for it. Funny how every time I run into a Jersey chick in New York, we click a little, and I can get the number. For one, calling Jersey is long distance; for two, I’m not tryin’ to talk to no 21 year old still in college. I was telling Mustaffa that I’m out of college and I ain’t trying to go back to school. I am past that. He agreed with me on that one. Mustaffa and I stood there for about 45 min talking about different women who passed by, and he was giving me pointers on how to get with, and the mentality of most women in New York. He told me of an after work spot for Friday nights that he hangs out at. I got his cell phone number, and he went about his way.

I decided to take another stroll down 8th Street. After about 30 mins I spotted this young lady I liked. I stood and checked her out as she was talking with her friends. She started to proceed down the block, and I followed her, waiting to make my move to talk to her. I passed her and her friends up a little. A guy said something to her as he was walking by. She laughed and kept goin; there was my opportunity to get at her and I did. I turned around as the guy was saying something to her. I said “how are you doing?” She said “didn’t I see you back there on the corner?” She noticed me, which was a good sign I guess. She was 23, lives in the Bronx. She seemed nice and intelligent, but you never know. I was telling her that I was from out of town, and asking her what do you have to do to talk to a girl around this town. She said she didn’t know. New York girls just talk like they have an attitude, and don’t trust to give out their home number, and so on and so forth; that’s just the way it is here. She gave me her pager number, and I gave her my home number. I’ll probably call her tonight. I walked in the other directions back towards 6th Ave.

As I was walking I noticed Busta Rhymes sitting down talking on a cell phone. I reached out my arm to give him a pound, but he ignored it. His friend or bodyguard said “he’s on the phone right now man.” You know, as if I couldn’t see that. I just kept on walking. I had a tape of my beats in my pocket, so I turned around and asked this dude could I speak with him after he gets off the phone. He brushes me off with some bullshit like “if it’s for business, business hours are… it’s the weekend.” I said oh well, and kept it movin’ down the street. I stood in this one spot for about 20 mins, and then I made my way home across the Queens Bridge. I just chilled at home all night. Ricardo called and said that he and Kenneth were goin’ to go out tonight, and bullshit like they usually do. I wasn’t in the mood to be riding them around all night talkin’ to hoes who don’t want to talk. They called about three times asking me was I coming out, and I told them no each time.

I had talked to Lauren earlier that day, and we discussed her coming to New York, and she said she wasn’t coming, and our talks about marriage were over because I ignored her on the phone last weekend when Rolonda was at my house from Florida. I met Rolonda while in Florida with my cousin Romeo for the Black College Reunion Spring Break. She was in town for the weekend, and we had been talking for about a month because I knew she was coming to town. She was there at my house, and we were having safe sex, which I couldn’t feel, so it was a so so weekend of putting on multiple condoms, stopping because I couldn’t feel shit to come. I finally busted a nut with the condom on Sunday afternoon on our last try before I had to drop her off over her aunt’s house in St Albans Queens.

I couldn’t talk to Lauren while Rolonda was right in my kitchen cooking me dinner. And besides I had talked to Lauren earlier that day while Rolonda was gone visiting her friends. Lauren said I hurt her feelings by not talking to her. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. It was all bullshit though. She never planned on marrying me and moving to New York. She was just getting revenge from when I told her I wanted to marry her last year, and changed my mind because she was dogging me for her new/old boyfriend Jamelle. She never planned on getting back with me seriously since she had suspicion of me fucking Rebecca while I was with her. And plus the fact that I told her when we first started talking that we would probably never be able to be together because she had three kidz.

I am only in lust with Lauren anyway, and I probably would have married her out of that lust. I wonder how long it would have lasted; probably a long time with the advent of Viagra. I decided to mail her some journal I wrote telling her the real story of my relationship with her, my cheating, my lust, etc for her. It was never real love. I’ve always known that. She probably has too, which is the reason why we could never really get along. I think of her often though, she makes my dick the hardest, but love is not there like that. So I’ll let her go once and for all. I’m too old to be playing games with her. I’ll see what’s on Coubie’s mind, the 23 year old I met in the village. She has the look of a nice girl I could grow to love. But finding love is a long shot I know.

A relationship with my daughter doesn’t seem possible with the forces of her mom working against me. I’ve decided to tell her that she can have her daughter, without my love and support. I shouldn’t have to fight to love and care for my own child. I’ll go to jail before I support a child whom I can’t see like I wish. And that just may be where I end up because Victoria is not gonna work with me. I hear she is pregnant again, making her way up to that “3 kidz status” like her two sisters and Sausha, whom she talked about so bad when she heard I was dating her. If she is pregnant, that is two baby daddies. At least Sausha only has one. Victoria your ignorance, and evil, and hatred are getting you nowhere in life. And you used to talk about me not believing in god. I’m doin a hell of lot better not believing in him, than you are believing in him.