Jrnl Entry No. 5.20.2010

I’m about at my witts end with studying for the CPA Exam. My brain cannot learn anymore. I wanted to take the last part of the exam by May 26, 2010, but because I do not understand the last chapter of the study guide and I got 55% of the homework questions WRONG, and I can’t seem to concentrate and learn the material, there is no way I can learn it and re-review the other four chapters, one of which I still have yet to finish the homework for. I feel this CPA thing caving in on me. All I need is to get a failing grade on the Regulation exam I took in April, and I feel as if I will break down. I’ve studied so diligently and passionately for every part, and to fail is just so heart wrenchingly disappointing. It kills my spirit.

I got selected for jury duty on May 18, 2010. The pool of people I got selected with, we were up for a 2^nd degree murder case. They randomly selected 18 people and had them answer a questionnaire about where they were from, if they were college graduates, whether they were married, if they had been victims of crimes, if they knew cops of lawyers, etc. The prosecutors and defense attorneys selected 7 jurors from the 1^st 18, and 5 jurors from the 2^nd 18. They never even selected me to answer the questionnaire. After they selected 12, I thought they were going to send the rest of us to be selected for another case but they gave us our dismissal papers, and told us we were finished with our jury service for the next 8 years. I decided to claim I got selected for a 3 day murder case. Today, I decided to extend it to four. FUCK MY JOB! Ain’t no sense in going in on a Friday.

I need to get chapter 4 homework done over the weekend. My brain is clouded on studying; just writing about it makes my head hurt. I’ma try to fight through this drag I’m feeling. I HOPE I CAN I HOPE I CAN! I don’t know what to do, life is so fucking boring. I never thought I’d be saying such words living in New York, but I don’t make enough money to have real fun in this city. I don’t make enough money to get the type of woman I want; a smart intelligent, real hair wearing, articulate, sexy, healthy, fashionista (who can afford it), who’s into me, who wants to or can help me make 7 to 10 figures in this lifetime; that’s $1,000,000.00 to $1,000,000,000.00. Someone who dreams big or believes in me. I’m sick of women latching on to me because I seem to be what they want. When do I get what I want? Man, fuck it! I’ve been asking these questions seems my entire life. Is that all my life is meant to be, a big unanswered question? I don’t know what will make me happy. I have this thought that Halle Berry is newly singled; if I get with her, that would solve my love problems. But who knows, I may get bored with her. What is the answer to living a fulfilled life? And please don’t talk that God shit to me. I think it’s having enough money to live how you wanna live; a job doing something you love and a man or woman you truly love who truly loves you back. NONE OF WHICH I HAVE! It’s so sad. FUCK!

Jrnl Entry No. 4.17.2010

I took my 3^rd part of the CPA exam today. I do not feel at all confident that I passed. There was a simulation on there I totally blew because I had never seen the info in the material I studied. There was another little part I didn’t get to finish. Seems 75% of the shit I studied was not on the exam. I’m really going to be disappointed in myself if I do not pass the four parts in total and become a CPA. I’m planning on launching a new career, and with hard work and dedication, I plan on this being my spring board into wealth and a whole new life. And right now, at this moment, I’m feeling like my plan is not working in my favor. I really need this so that I may leave my job and demand a comfortable salary. Really, I just need to leave my current job. The place is really killing my spirit. I am so unhappy there and with the people I work with. I probably should leave even if I can only get the same salary. But with that I’m tired of not being able to live, to shop, to save enough money to buy an apartment.

I’m reading about people starting companies and running them and selling them for millions. I would like to start a company but I can’t save the money needed to give it a little jump start. My plan is to make more money being a CPA, use the extra money I make to start my own company of some sort. So if the CPA thing doesn’t work out, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to leave my job and end up in the same place I’m in now; same money, no opportunity for advancement, my work going unnoticed and/or ignored, or critically scrutinized for the minutest of error. My life is not working out. It never has. I wanted to be a rapper; DIDN’T HAPPEN! I tried to be a producer; DIDN’T HAPPEN. I tried dabbling in music magazine writing; NO LIGHT THERE. Every little thing I’ve done to try and make my life a little brighter since college graduation and finding my 1^st job and subsequently moving to New York; nothing after that has worked out to my satisfaction. I’m sick of thinking, trying and waiting for a better day. But you know, what else can I do? Everyone says, “at least you’re trying, moving forward”. Fuck that, It’s time for the next phase of my life: beautiful wife, beautiful house, beautiful car, beautiful career. IT’S TIME, IT’S TIME, IT’S FUCKING TIME!

I had a job interview with Equinox Gyms. A senior accountant position. Hopefully I can get about 12K to 15K raise out of the deal. I’ve really been mulling over this Accounting and Financial services firm. I know a guy, who says he has his series 7 license. I know another guy who graduated from Penn State Wharton Business school; another guy, my frat brother who graduated with his MBA from some school in Chicago. I’m soon to obtain my CPA. Now with 4 African Americans; 1 with his trading and securities license, 2 with their MBA and 1 with his CPA; if we can’t come together and start a successful, growing and prosperous corporation, NIGGERS ARE TRULY STUPID and meant to be slaves to white men for all eternity. I truly believe that. My plan is to take these guys and monopolize the Black Wealth Market entirely. I’m talking about Black Men Controlling ALL BLACK AMERICAN WEALTH. Individuals with net worth of $1 Million of more, that net worth will be controlled and maintained by us. And have every Black Accountant and trader and lawyer clamoring to work for us. It’s time Black people come together on our own terms and make something happen For Us By Us, NO BULLSHITTING! I’m tired of seeing these rich, just white men running everything, obtaining all the wealth.

Jrnl Entry No. 2.24.2010

I wrecked my car last Thursday night. I was feeling excited about my future and was treating myself to drinks at 230 Fifth Avenue, eponymously named after its actual address. I was at Chrystie and Dulancey. The light to cross Dulancey was turning red and cars started filling up the intersection turning onto Dulancey so I couldn’t go straight across. Me, being impatient, I drove left of center to go around the cars filing up the intersection. At the same time, my light to go across the intersection had turned red, so when I got around the cars, I met, smack dead on with perpendicular on-coming traffic and a car slammed into my passenger side fender. DAMN! So I had just saved up $1,300 and was feeling good about that, now I’d have to spend it on getting both my, and the other guys car fixed. I was expecting a call from the guy who hit me with an estimate of approximately $1,300 to fix his car; meanwhile, the tow and autobody shop my car was at was trying to negotiate me into paying $2,200 to fix my car. The guy never called me with an estimate so I went about the process of having my car removed from the autobody shop which was trying to rip me off. I took my car to the mechanic and autobody shops behind the NY Mets Citifield. I negotiated to have it fixed for $1,300.00, which was still a rip off, but a least cheaper than the 1^st rip off offer. They replaced my right front side fender and front bomper, front right axel and suspension. So I was glad I was able to afford to have it fixed. A month later I had to replace the electrical switch behind the ignition. All this getting my car fixed has left me broke. Plus now I have to put extra on my credit card at Bloomingdales for the $1,100 suit I bought. I had paid $350.00 on it when I just got my recent statement; I got hit with a $12.80 finance charge. I hate financing charges. I would have been paid it off if I hadn’t got into that car accident. Plus I’ve promised a few of my cousins I’d pay registration and transportation cost, including rental SUV to Mississippi for our family reunion. On top of that, my daughter is due to come to New York from July till August. Looks like I’m gonna be cash straped until October.

Wish I could do something to make enough money to not have to worry about how much money I spend. I’m hoping my CPA license will do the trick or at least bring me up two comfort levels from where I am now. I failed the 2^nd part of the exam I took in Jan 2010, Auditing. I hope it doesn’t take me two tries to pass each one of the four parts. I’m two for two on double takes. At $275.00 each time, that could cost me $2,200 in addition to the $3,200 I paid for the Becker prep course. $5,400 in total to be a CPA. I guess that is better than the $60,000 it would cost to go to Fordham University for grad school to receive my MBA. I take my 3^rd part of the exam on Saturday April 17, 2010 8 A.M. Regulation: tax, contracts and bankruptcy. I feel prepared, but I thought I was well prepared for the auditing exam. I failed by four points. DAMN!