Jrnl Entry No. 9.29.1999

Well what can I do? My bills are like $100 more than my monthly income. I’ve put in for a few part time jobs and nothing. The places where I wanted to work said that they are all booked up on the weekends and they are not open late enough for me to work after six o’clock. I can’t go out to the clubs and meet anybody in the music industry because I don’t have the money to go. I have a little Hip Hop connection with Jay through Darry. I could probably make a bigger connection with Dessert Storm DJ CLUE Crew if I got in touch with Windexter, but he is never home. I can’t go to any labels because they are closed on Saturdays and that is the only day I have time. I work out of the way of all that shit. That is why I wanted to work somewhere around Broadway so that I could reach a couple of labels on my lunch break by train.

So I’m stuck unable to execute my plans because of money and work location. All I do is go home after work, cook, maybe sit and watch tv or start with my sampler. I can’t even afford to take the train into the city or to drive and waste all my gas. I have to save every dollar I can, how I can. It is kind of depressing. I thought that I would be alright here with bills and things and have a few extra dollars to party, but it just ain’t so.

At lunch time on my job, I just stare at the big buildings across the river, dreaming about how I can get a production deal or a deal for my Warren Posse crew. We’ve been in the studio and have come up with three very nice songs. But now I feel that the bullshit is about to start coming on. The songs Billy is talking about recording are very, very wack to me. I think they are going to throw everything off. I hope he records these shits and they sound just as wack to him as they do to me. But I ain’t gonna say nothing because everybody thinks that they know so much about this Hip Hop shit. Like they tried to tell me that the “Warren Posse Strikes Back” song wasn’t going to work out because of this and that. When it was done, they liked it, not loved it, so they say, but liked it; when before they didn’t even want to record it. I like the song but I think Nelson could have calmed down on the yelling in the break and during his lyrical flow. And even with that, it still sounds kind of cool. I hope “We Crew” and the other song they plan on recording has the same effect on me.

When the project is done I will probably try to shop it around here for a deal and see what we can come up with. I need to be shopping The Phat Rapper’s shit to someone. My problem is I don’t know the first step to take. I’m going to see if I can go to labels on Saturday and talk to someone. If I can’t, when I get a personal day, I’ll take one to go and visit some labels and see what I can make out of the day. It’s all I know, and maybe it will lead to something else. I got to get discovered somehow because that is what I came up here for, to make some grands in the music industry one way or another, that is going to be my future; this accounting shit is not working. Maybe I ought to try and visit some labels after work and see if I can get my foot in a door. I got to try something.

That is my problem, I’m not trying hard enough to really talk to anyone. I’m sitting around on my ass complaining when I ought to be out there trying to make moves. Yeah, I’m going to start bringing me a change of clothing for after work and head over into the city instead of just going home and sitting there. I just might run into something. Go hang out by some recording studios or something. I gots to make this work for me. I think I’m sitting around waiting for it to work for itself. I got to get up. I know once I’m over there politican in the city, I will feel charged and there won’t be no stopping me. The city just makes you want to do something, it gives you confidence. Of course, that is if you can move around because being stuck in traffic can kill your spirit like death I tell you. You just feel like you are in the car dying, moving five miles an hour; super slow motion.

I’m about to do this. Fuck this shit. Tomorrow, I’m going to the city after work and do something to advance my career.

HAVE YOU EVER FELT STUCK IN A SITUATION; KNEW YOU HAD TO MAKE A MOVE TO GET OUT, BUT YOU EITHER DIDN’T MAKE THE MOVE OR THE MOVE YOU MADE DIDN’T WORK OUT THE WAY YOU HAD HOPED?

One thought on “Jrnl Entry No. 9.29.1999

  1. Caveat: I notice I use the word “Bitch” a lot. I liken it to a song by “The Geto Boys” called “Gansta of Love” (so misogynistic that it’s caricaturally funny.)

    Disclaimer: I do not call women bitches in life or treat them inferior in alpha male dominant low-self-esteem fashion.

    As these journals were personal (never to be read until my death or by close family only), I’d read them kin to Holden Caufield, past tense (20 years past) first person singular.

    Like

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